The Prophecy

Previously on Alias: Spy Barbie broke into Uncle Arvin's personal home safe in order to retrieve the oh-so-secret blank page, which wound up sporting an ancient sketch of Sydney's face; Willage Idiot got kidnapped by Spy Daddy but, unfortunately for us, wasn't killed; Francie moped about the death of her relationship.

Okay, I think y'all know how much I dig this show, right? I dig it the most, baby. But I'm attempting to crank through this hummer on Sunday morning because I just got a freelance job that keeps me at the office until all hours, and I'm afraid this particular recap may suffer from the fact that I HAVE NO TIME TO WRITE IT. Oh, and, like, I'm going to Paris on Tuesday and I have to do laundry, clean the house, pack my shit, recover my domain name which was RUDELY stolen by some lame-ass marketing group, and, like, I'm LOSIN' it over here. I'm telling y'all this so you don't go all, "Why's the recap only one page long?" on my ass.

And now, on with the very first single-page Alias recap.

Vaughn loves Sydney. Sydney loves Vaughn. Spy Daddy loves Sydney. Uncle Arvin loves Sydney. Sydney is the destructor of the world.

See y'all week!

Yes, of course I'm kidding. Just relax. And put down those guns!

We open up at a meeting of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere, but I neither have the time nor the inclination to find it. Some dude is looking through some documents. He finally says that he wants to know just who Sydney Bristow is and why the committee's time should be spent discussing her. Lindsay Crouse, who's obviously gone downhill since David Mamet dumped her, says that Syd's a double agent working undercover at SD-6. Yawn.

Then Syd's running pell-mell through a lovely patch of woods. No, I don't know what she's running from. She's just running. Then Lindsay's yammering on about how she came into possession of the "Sydney" sketch. Back to Sydney running. And we're running and we're running. Lindsay points the senator dude to the partially coded text that surrounds the drawing and explains that the coded message has to do with the woman in the drawing. Bleah. And we're running and we're running. Now dogs are running. Now Syd's leaping off a mountain and popping her parachute and -- oh Lord, she's sailing away past that huge statue of Jesus that looks down over Rio de Janeiro. Whatever. Back to the senator dude. Lindsay's all, please let us proceed with this! Senator Dude's all, right on, we'll give you whatever you need.

Back in Hell-Lay, Syd's writing Vaughn a lurrrrrve note. She got surveillance photos of someone they think might be "The Man." God, I can't wait to stop typing that insipid name. They couldn't call him "Roland" or "Goldfinger" or "Dr. No" or something? That name is just too stupid for words. Anyway, Syd drops the note in a wastebasket and walks away, awaiting further instruction from Agent Amorous.

Unfortunately, Agent Amorous is a tad busy at the moment, due to the fact that Lindsay and a bunch of her trolls are rifling through his office files. Lindsay's from the Department of Special Research, a division of the National Security Agency, and the NSA has given her the authority to scramble through Vaughn's shit. Vaughn visits Devlin and wants to know why the NSA is investigating Sydney. Blah blah blah, there's nothing Devlin can do about it, bling blam blooey, Vaughn's pissed because he's Sydney's handler and should know everything that's going on in relation to her. Oh, that, and he LOVES her. Devlin tells Vaughn to shut the door cuz he's obviously gonna tell him something that Vaughn really shouldn't know.

Warehouse Of Doomed Love Affairs. Syd enters and says something about the surveillance photos. Vaughn's all, forget the damn photos. "You're being investigated by the DSR," says Vaughn. "DSR?" questions Syd, although, as a member of the damn CIA, she should probably, I don't know, KNOW WHO THE DSR IS. Vaughn blah-blahs about the DSR and how they've been empowered to investigate "fringe" shit. Like UFOs or something. Syd wants to know what they want with her. "They want to know why your picture's in the Rambaldi book," says Vaughn. Syd's all, not THAT again. Vaughn tells her that she's going to be called in for questioning and he just wanted to give her a heads-up. What. Ever.

Syd's all, it's just a damn picture. What's the big deal? Well, Sydney, the big deal is that the DSR decoded some of the text on the page. And? Well, Sydney, there is no "and" because Vaughn wasn't informed of just what the decoded text says. He was, however, informed that the text mentions future dates that indicate that this woman is still alive. The DSR is now referring to this page as "The Prophecy." Dun dun DUN! Except, you know, NOT.

thing we know, Syd's being interrogated by Lindsay and her partner-in-crime, a man we'll call "Cigarette Smoking Man Deux." I'm serious. The guy's all creepy and holding a cigarette. What, did J.J. call up Chris Carter and ask him if it was okay if he not only appropriated several X-Files storylines, but also some of its more interesting characters? If this shit keeps up, I'm gonna have to start referring to Vaughn as "Mulder" and Sydney as "Scully." Don't think I won't do it, either.

Anyway, CSM Deux starts the interrogation by bringing up something on the laptop in front of Sydney. He asks her to place the picture in the series or something. Seriously, I don't know what in the hell this entire sequence is all about. It plays like an elaborate IQ test or something, and it's too whack and involved to even describe. Suffice it to say that Syd just answers the questions and CSM Deux smokes and Lindsay looks all smug and some other guy just takes notes. .

Vaughn watches the proceedings from behind a mirrored wall. The Weasel enters and explains that Sydney's not just taking tests; she's also being monitored by some high-tech lie detector equipment. Vaughn's all pissy and wants to know what the Weasel's doing there. The Weasel says something about acting on behalf of interagency cooperation. Whatever. He's there because he's a slimy suck-up.

CSM Deux tells Sydney that she's walking through a forest and she comes across a river. "Do you cross it, Agent Bristow?" Syd's all, that depends, you pale imitation of the nicotine-addled original CSM. This is so lame. The questions that CSM Deux is asking are starting to sound like dumb-ass psych questions. Like, "You enter a room. There is one window. A baby is crying. Where do you hang the red painting?" Shit like that. Like, it doesn't mean anything to you, but wherever you decide to hang the red painting is supposedly an indicator of how much you want to have sex with your father or something. Bo-ring.

Syd agrees with me, because as the questions continue and CSM Deux smokes, she's looking increasingly irritated and bored. Vaughn watches, his forehead crinkles running into the triple digits. CSM Deux asks Syd what's going on in a picture of a mother and a daughter. "The mother is teaching the girl how to bake," responds Syd wearily. CSM Deux wants to know what feelings the picture invokes in Sydney. "The girl doesn't like it," says Syd. "She wants to go out and play." Lindsay excitedly makes some notes. I can't decide if Syd's answering the questions honestly or if she's smart enough to know just what's going on and is therefore royally fucking with them.

In the observation room, Vaughn whips off his jacket. And, yes, Michael Vartan wears a blue oxford like nobody's business. Before I can start panting heavily, however, The Weasel enters and demands that the questioning end immediately. "What is it?" asks Vaughn. "Sorry," says The Weasel, "it's on a need-to-know only." What a pisher. The Weasel hands some document to one of his henchmen, and the henchman enters the interrogation room and hands the document to the guy who's writing notes. The DSR morons all look at the document, and Lindsay suddenly asks Syd to come with them somewhere.

Devlin tries to tell The Weasel to shut the hell up, but The Weasel is on a roll now. He's talking about how the tests Syd's taking will prove or disprove that she's connected with Rambaldi because of some sort of physical anomalies she may have that Rambaldi wrote about. And perhaps they'll even find an implant at the base of her skull that proves or disproves that she was abducted by aliens and is now carrying the immaculately conceived Vaughn-Bristow alien-baby messiah in her womb. Shut up, already.

Then Syd's meeting up with Spy Daddy. He wants to know if she's okay. She gibbers on about the prophecy, and wants to know if Spy Daddy knows what it actually says. He doesn't. Syd wants to know if the DSR has the correct key with which to decipher the code. I guess she's thinking that, if they have the wrong key, maybe the message they've decoded is all wrong and she'll be off the hook. Spy Daddy says something about the code key being something that the DSR reverse-engineered. No, I don't know what he's talking about either.

Syd's worried that if the DSR is misreading the Rambaldi text, they're going to take her into custody and blow her cover with SD-6, as well as Spy Daddy's. She wants Rambaldi's original code key, if it even exists. Spy Daddy says that the original code key exists, all right. Unfortunately, it exists somewhere in the Vatican. Dude. This is so not a problem. Just attend one of those Pope prayer services, walk up, introduce yourself, tell the Pope that he looks wonderful for his age, then tell him you're the Virgin Mary and you want to take a look around. The man's so fucking senile by now that he'll probably give you a tour himself and even offer you a piece of the cross or something. Go for it.

Later, Spy Daddy's yelling at Devlin that they have to come to Sydney's aid. Devlin won't authorize the Vatican trip. Back and forth and back and forth, if Sydney weren't Spy Daddy's kid, he probably wouldn't be fighting for this, but she is, so he is. He needs Devlin's help. Devlin just stares at him as The Drums Of Doom and Violins Of Vengeance start playing.

Sloane's in bed with Emily's arm slung over his side. He's not sleeping, though. The damn Drums Of Doom and Violins Of Vengeance are playing too loudly to allow for a restful night. Sloane gets up and places a call to Double-Oh-Geritol. Sloane tells him that he's going to take care of Jean himself.

Warehouse Of Doomed Love Affairs. Syd's just informed Agent Amorous that she needs to break into the Vatican. "The last thing I'm gonna do while DSR is waiting on test results to prove I'm guilty of something I don't even understand is sit on my ass!" states Sydney. "But the Vatican!" sputters Agent Apathy. Syd says that they have to get into the hidden Vatican archives. All she has is an inventory number. She called Vaughn because she needs a partner, and he's the only one she can trust. It's really just an excuse to get Vaughn and Sydney out of The Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires but, you know, whatever.

Captain Non-Courageous is all, I'm flattered that you trust me but, like, I could lose my job over this. "You in?" says Sydney. Three hundred more forehead wrinkles break out on Vaughn's forehead as he smiles ruefully and says, "Yeah. I'll break into the Vatican with you." Hee. Vaughn and Sydney, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes double-agent-spy-baby in a baby carriage!

Apartment Of Thwarted Love And Dead Fiancs. Francie's all twittery about going to see Kobe Bryant. Syd's all twittery about how to pack for a trip that involves breaking into the holy seat of Catholicism. Once again, Willage is just hanging around. He asks Syd about her stupid prophecy dream. She just sort of brushes it off and then announces that she's off to Boston.

Rome. No, I have nothing funny to say about it. It's just Rome, okay? Action Agent Vaughn and Sydney pull up to some house dressed in blue worker jumpsuits. We see the Vatican in the distance. The Dastardly Duo enters the house with a bunch of tool bags and the matron of the house asks, in Italian, just what in the hell they're doing there. Syd and Vaughn both answer in Italian. No, we don't know what they say, but Michael Vartan sounds so bloody HOT when he speaks in a foreign language that he could be reading my Ameritech phone bill and I'd swoon.

As Action Vaughn and Spy Barbie make their way down some stairs, Action Vaughn says something about how, while they're in Rome, they should really visit this great little restaurant that he knows of. Syd's all, um, dude? We're on a mission here. Stay focused. They break into the sewer system, I think, and Syd's asking him about this restaurant and why it's his favorite. They engage in some non-mission-related ice-breaking patter as they trudge through the sewer system. They stop and set up some explosive thingy while Vaughn ASKS SYDNEY OUT ON A DATE. No, I'm not kidding. Syd's all, don't you think it'll be a tad stupid of us to go out in public together? Like, SD-6 may spot us? Vaughn's all, the food's so good it's almost worth the risk. That, and I want you bad. Syd's all, Vatican first, nookie later, okay?

They blow the door and make their way into the Vatican while some awesome grungy tune plays. Syd and Vaughn work together to disarm a security system that was apparently designed by some twelve-year-old named Ricky, because it takes them all of two seconds to bust it. They charge through the Vatican collections in search of the code key. They find the inventory item they're looking for and quickly break into it. It's a painting of some old Pope for whom Rambaldi worked as an architect. Sydney states that the code's in the painting. Vaughn says that they don't have time to figure it out. He flips open a switchblade and says they're going to have to take the painting with them. Syd tells him to just hold off on the destruction plan, and starts closely examining the painting with a flashlight.

Looks like Rambaldi placed the code in the frame of the painting. Vaughn takes pictures of the code while Syd holds the flashlight. When they're done, Vaughn inexplicably wanders off and gets a rude surprise when he's greeted by a Vatican security guard with a gun. Syd shows up and takes the security guard out with a few choice kicks, and then she and Vaughn make a run for it.

Do they make it? Duh.

Back in Hell-Lay, Spy Daddy enters Sloane's office and asks if Double-Oh-Geritol is backing the whole "Kill Kazanow" plan. Sloane's all, where the hell is Sydney? Spy Daddy's all, she's breaking into the Vatican, why? Sloane's all, I just got a message from Munich, dude. There's a counterfeit page in the Rambaldi book. Spy Daddy's all, whuh? Sloane's all, something's rotten in the state of Denmark, my friend, and Sydney's holding the cheese. Sloane thinks that Syd's education is getting in the way of her job. Spy Daddy thinks Sloane should mind his own fucking business. Sloane then tells Spy Daddy to inform Sydney that when Sloane returns from London, he and Sydney need to have a little talk.

Uh-oh.

Montreal. Sloane's hanging out in a park at night, and he's getting his gun ready. He walks up to a fountain, where that Jean guy is waiting for him. They kiss on both cheeks like old friends and then converse for a moment in French. Now, I've been brushing up on my French as of late, but the only words I understood were "friend" and "grandfather." Whatever. Sloane and Jean take a seat on a bench and chat about "the business." Jean's more interested in discussing his new grandson, and pulls out pictures to share with Sloane. Sloane is clearly bugging. Jean sweetly asks if something's wrong. Sloane stands up and shoots Jean a couple of times. Ah, old friends. They mean so much.

London. Sloane is the last one to enter the meeting of The Alliance of Twelve. He takes his place standing behind the table and not-so-subtly glances at Double-Oh-Geritol. The Alliance observes a moment of silence in honor of the now-dead Jean. The speaker says that they've come together to make a decision on Kazanow. Sloane, who's just sacrificed his best bud, seems to think the decision's in the bag. Not so fast. Everyone votes, and the outcome is six votes to five in favor of a diplomatic stand-off, not a war against Kazanow. Sloane glares at Double-Oh-Geritol, who just smiles sneakily at him.

After the meeting, Double-Oh-Geritol exits; Sloane storms up to him. "It wasn't [Jean] getting paid off by Kazanow, was it?" he spits. "It was you." Double-Oh-Geritol feigns innocence. Sloane declares that Double-Oh-Geritol used him to get Jean out of the way. Sloane steps closer to Double-Oh-Geritol and threatens that he'll manage to repay the favor somehow. Double-Oh-Geritol just tells Sloane to give his regards to Emily, and walks off.

Double-Oh-Geritol enters his car, and who should be waiting there for him but Kazanow himself. The crater-faced Kazanow just puffs on a gargantuan cigar and attempts to look fiercely evil. Talk about being in bed with the Devil. Lord.

Warehouse Of Doomed Love Affairs. Vaughn pulls up and walks over to Sydney. He tells her that his people are working on the codes, and in a couple of hours, they'll know exactly what Rambaldi wrote. He says that Sydney should just go home and relax until all this is over. "time we're in Rome," says Agent Amorous, "Trattorio Di Notti." "I'd like that," says Syd, the light of love shining in her eyes. Vaughn returns to his car and drives off.

Bungalow Of Best Friends And Painful Memories. Syd walks in and spots a note taped to the fridge. It's from Francie and Willage, and they demand that she meet them at the Zebu Lounge for drinks and dancing. Okay, the thought of Willage dancing is making me sick to my stomach. It's even worse than the cereal-eating debacle that occurred earlier.

Syd shows up at the disco-fueled Zebu Lounge and spies Francie and Willage across the room. They're doing their best to dance like a couple of epileptic freaks. I'm serious. Willage? Francie? Do. Not. Dance. EVER. They all hug and dance and it is NOT pretty. Just then, Sydney notices some guy in a suit looking at her. And not in a good way. She also sees Note-Taking Guy and The Henchman staring at her as well. Sydney makes some excuse to Francie and Willage about making some Hong Kong phone call and bolts.

She's immediately surrounded by the DSR guys. They escort her out of the club and into a waiting armored vehicle. Vaughn's there, along with Lindsay. One of the DSR guys starts shackling Sydney as Lindsay informs her that she's being taken into custody. Syd's all, DUDE! What in the HELL is going on? Vaughn's all, Syd, I promise, we'll figure this out. Syd's all, what about the code key? Vaughn's all, the code was correct, honey. Those medical tests you took? They were given to you in order to prove three specific physical anomalies that Rambaldi mentioned. They are: 1) DNA sequencing, 2) platelet levels, and 3) the size of your heart. "You match all three," finishes Vaughn. "So, what does the prophecy say?" asks Syd.

Cue The Music Of Mysteries And The Unexplainable. Lindsay clears her throat and recites the prophecy: "'This woman here depicted will possess unseen marks; the signs that she will be the one to bring forth my works. Bind them with fury. A burning anger, unless prevented, at vulgar costs, this woman will render the greatest power, unto utter desolation.'"

Whoops.

week on Alias: It's some sort of "blast from the past, blast forward to the future" episode. Unfortunately, I won't be around to recap it for ya. Shack's filling in for me while I jet off to Gay Paree! Have fun, kids! I'll bring y'all some tacky trinkets from the airport, 'kay?