The Coup

J.J. Abrams: No, I don't. And, actually, it's one of the reasons your sorry video-store ass is NOT coming back on this show.
Quentin Tarantino: Now yer just playin', nig--
J.J. Abrams: DON'T.
Quentin Tarantino: What?
J.J. Abrams: Don't EVEN start with that word, Tarantino.
Quentin Tarantino: Oh, man, come on! You know, the more you say a word, the less power you give it --
J.J. Abrams: God. You're such a jackass. Look. I'm only going to tell you this once, so pay attention, okay?
Quentin Tarantino: I'm on it, my man.
J.J. Abrams: You are NEVER coming back on this show again. I don't like you, the writers don't like you, even the craft services people think you're a dink. So just retreat back to your Malibu Barbie beach house and LEAVE US ALONE.
Quentin Tarantino: Jayz!
J.J. Abrams: What did I say?
Quentin Tarantino: Sorry.
J.J. Abrams: I'm serious, man. And if you don't stop sending those McKenas Cole dolls over here, I'm gonna get a restraining order, I swear to GOD.
Quentin Tarantino: But dude! I thought we had a bond! We're like brothers, man! Come on! Just one more ep! I got one more ep in me!
J.J. Abrams: Like I care. Knock it off, Quentin, or I'll sic Samuel L. Jackson all over your ass. And believe me, I'm now in a position to do so.
Quentin Tarantino: But Sammy loves me!
J.J. Abrams: Uh, not since Jackie Brown, my friend. Deal.
Quentin Tarantino: But...Jayz -- erm, I mean, J.J. -- please? Pretty please? I'm losing it over here. I don't have anything to do!
J.J. Abrams: That is SO not my problem.
Quentin Tarantino: [starting to cry] No one will hire me, dude! I need you! Your show was the first work I've had in forever! Please? I'm begging you, dude! BEGGING.
J.J. Abrams: I'm hanging up now.
Quentin Tarantino: Jayz? JAYZ? Oh, nooooo... [sobbing] MOMMMMMEEEEE!

Last week on Alias: We finally got rid of Quentin Tarantino, Spy Barbie and Agent Apathy managed to save the whole of SD-6 from destruction, Arvin lost a finger, and we were all treated to an extended amount of music from the Global Ovaries.

Let us begin.

Hong Kong. After some establishing shots of the city, which were most likely shot somewhere in downtown Los Angeles, we come upon an office building where gunshots are heard. A man in a suit scrambles out of the building, clutching a chest wound, as everyone outside the building starts running around in panic. The man with the wound sort of knocks into this guy with a cellphone, as a remarkably attractive young blond man with an enormous gun exits the building. The wounded man stops and turns, obviously ready to face his doom at the hands of this hot guy with the gun. Seriously. He looks kind of like Ewan McGregor. Yum. Ewan McGregor. Yummy yum.

The wounded man drops to his knees, awaiting the final shot. Ewan Deux takes a moment, reloads, then empties his gun into the wounded man. He falls down dead, and Ewan Deux sort of just cocks his head curiously, as if he can't quite believe he's just erased some guy from this earthly plane.

Bad Spies-R-Us. Sloane's explaining to his gathered troops that they're watching surveillance camera footage from outside the Tai-Do Chem Engineering building. Yeah, it could be "Tai-Bo Ken" or "Tie-Hoe Wen" or any other such combination of words that mean nothing, but that's not important right now. What's important is that this company is just a front and this building is actually the headquarters for FTL. The man who was assassinated was Kwan Lee, the head of FTL. No, I still don't know what "FTL" stands for. Yes, I'm sure it's kind of important. No, I still don't care.

The point is, some random guy (some random HOT guy) led an ambush inside the FTL headquarters at precisely the same time as SD-6 was attacked. The shooter can't be identified, because he doesn't show up in any database. Dixon remarks that he didn't seem to mind being photographed. Well, if you were as HOT as this guy, you probably wouldn't mind either. Yes, this theme will most likely run through the entirety of this recap, primarily because, well, I have a thing for Ewan McGregor and, secondarily because, well, I'm feeling a bit randy at the moment, okay? Deal.

So, um, anyway, Ewan Deux here led his group into FTL with the intention of stealing a Rambaldi artifact. There he is again, that Rambaldi dude. The entire FTL network crumbled within hours, according to Spy Daddy. "What you're saying," comments Dixon, "is FTL no longer exists." No one responds. Oh, except for Marshall. "Um, sorry," he stammers, raising his hand like he expects Sloane to call on him. "Stupid question butsince FTL is, um, sorry, was, an enemy for, like, ever, um, shouldn't we be drinking champagne?" Hee. Marshall. The Voice of the People. The Voice of the Stupid People, but a voice nonetheless.

"Someone had the means to launch a unilateral attack on us and FTL and we haven't got a clue who's responsible," barks Spy Daddy. "In addition," says Sloane, "they now have what seems to be the most significant collection of Rambaldi artifacts in the world." You know, I can't wait until this season's over and we finally figure out just what in the HELL is up with this Rambaldi guy. I mean, he's all over the place and all we keep getting are red herrings and clues that mean absolutely zilch. Gadgets, drawings, vials of fluid -- come on already! Explain yourselves!

This rogue group may actually have amassed enough of the Rambaldi artifacts to figure out just what Rambaldi was ultimately working on before SD-6 does. "Oh," stutters Marshall, "yeah, that does suck." Hee. You know, it would be so awesome if what Rambaldi was ultimately working on was, like, a phone company that doesn't charge you for local calls over fifteen miles or a light beer that has fewer than ten calories and doesn't taste like snake pee. Seriously. I'm all about the Amstel Light but, you know, I'd much rather have a Sierra Nevada, when everything's said and done. Speaking of beer...

Right. So, anyway, Spy Daddy announces that the group claiming responsibility for the attacks on FTL and SD-6 has contacted the heads of K-Directorate and proposed a meeting to discuss the sharing of Rambaldi technology. Sloane brings up a picture of a guy named Brandon Dahlgren. Dahlgren lives year-round in a penthouse at the Regal Casino in Vegas, and he just happens to be a go-between for K-Directorate. He also just happens to be expecting a phone call detailing the time and location of the K-Directorate/Rogue Squadron meeting. "This is information that we need," finishes Sloane. No, really? Damn, this was a long set-up sequence. Lots of information and gobbledy-gook. My head already hurts. Get to the-ass kicking already, okay?

Dixon's on point and Syd's on comps. No idea what they're talking about, but it sounds kinda cool, don't it? Dixon's going in as some Jamaican dude named Buchanan who's expected in Vegas week. Whatever. All this means is that Dixon gets to wear a funny Rasta wig and will be flagged as a VIP, which will allow him to gamble in the private casino with Dahlgren. Dixon's prime objective is to exchange a ring that Dahlgren wears for an exact duplicate with an implanted bug. Yawn. Are we done yet? Can I start getting wickedly drunk now?

Dammit. No. Sloane calls the meeting over and asks Syd to stay behind. "Is everything okay?" Syd asks. "That's funny," says Sloane. "I was just about to ask you the same question." Again, Ron Rifkin manages to be both creepy/scary and cool/sexy. I really don't know how he does that. Sloane mentions that he had a conversation with Spy Daddy about Syd's mother. "He told you that she was KGB," he says. "I'm sorry." Syd manages to assure him that it's okay. Sloane goes on to say how much he appreciates everything Syd did during the incident. "Every person here owes you their life," he says. Syd looks at Sloane with an expression that just barely suggests that she wishes he didn't owe her his life, and then asks how his finger is faring. He tells her it'll heal nicely, and then escorts her out of the conference room. The entire SD-6 staff is waiting just outside, and they applaud Syd for her acts of bravery. Sloane just smiles kindly at her. Again, creepy/scary and cool/sexy. Yes, I have issues.

"I felt sick," says Syd in a VO. "All those people standing there, patriots, believing they work for the U.S. government, none of them realizing the information they gather is being used by heartless men like Arvin Sloane." Yeah, we get it, Syd. They're all good, kind people who are being duped by that bastard Sloane. Been there. Done that. Moving on.

Cross-town Train Of Unrequited Do-Gooder Lust. Syd's telling her sob stories to Agent Apathy as the scenery rumbles past. "I just wanted to rip his finger right off again," she says as Vaughn sort of laughs. "Does that make me a bad person?" No, Syd, it makes you Vaughn's girrrrrlfriend. Hee. He lurves her the most. Vaughn tells her that it doesn't make her a bad person, but it might have blown her cover. "Ya think?" smiles Syd. Vaughn goes on to say that she just has to tag Dahlgren in Vegas and, when SD-6 gets more info on the K-Directorate meeting, they'll move on from there. Syd wants to know if The Weasel ever reported Vaughn. Blah blah blah, yes he did, bleah bleah bleah, Vaughn only got a slap on the wrist, flim flam flooey, hey, why's Syd rubbing her cheek?

"You okay?" asks Vaughn. "It's nothing," says Syd. "I'm just a little bruised." "You can't really tell," says Vaughn. "Oh, it's because I'm wearing, like, a POUND of cover-up," says Syd. Shout-out. TOTAL shout-out. We've been saying on the boards for WEEKS that Syd gets herself into all sorts of serious combat situations and yet never shows a single cut or bruise. Methinks Big Brother is listening. Hey, Mr. Abrams? While we have your attention, could you also do something about Willage Idiot's hair? It's been a problem for me since day one. Oh, and stop making Willage so lame and irritating, okay? Thanks. Oh, and any time you need a pinch-hitter, just let me know. I'm still unemployed, you know. And I wouldn't mind relocating to L.A., either. Not at all.

Back at the Spy Cave, Spy Daddy informs Syd that she and Dixon should be ready to leave for Vegas by the end of the day. Syd says that's cool, she just has to swing by school. And here's where the ridiculous subplot that is Sydney's ongoing grad school education rears its ugly head. Spy Daddy tries his hand at acting fatherly by asking her how the school thing is going. Syd says it's going well but she's actually thinking of dropping the whole thing. I wish. Dumbest. Subplot. Ever. Basically, now that Syd knows her mother wasn't actually a literature professor, her dream of following in her mother's footsteps isn't so enticing anymore. What. Ever. Phase this storyline out already. God. I mean, the scene's sort of sweet, and both Garber and Garner do a great job of sort of trying to reconnect as father and daughter but -- please. Leave grad school. Like we care. We don't watch this show to find out whether or not Syd gets an A on her thesis or anything. We watch it for the butt-kicking and good acting and crazy outfits. GET ON WITH IT.

Back from the break, Syd's filling in Lois Lame on the cheating Charlie conversation. Syd's all sad, because Francie's probably not gonna want to be her friend after this. Sob. Not. Then Syd lightens the moment by asking Willage if he has any more hickeys. EW. I must say, though, that I kind of like this whole "Syd and Will as friends" thing much more than the "Syd and Will as potential lovers" thing. This makes much more sense and their conversations aren't nearly as annoying. This, of course, means that Willage isn't nearly as annoying, which means that I don't get to make as much fun of him as I usually do, but c'est la vie, ya know?

Syd's cellphone rings and it's Spy Daddy, informing her that Vegas was a success -- in spite of Syd's ball-dropping antics, of course. Spy Daddy goes on to tell her that SD-6 intercepted the Dahlgren call and that linguistics is in the process of translating it. He then asks Syd to meet him somewhere.

"Somewhere" turns out to be a carousel out in the middle of some park. Syd wants to know why they're at this particular location, and Spy Daddy tells her that she always loved this spot. Spy Momsky and Spy Daddy used to bring Spy Barbie here when she was little. Awwww, a little Spy Family outing! How cute. And sad, actually. Spy Daddy looks tenderly at his daughter and tells her the sweet story of how they used to watch Spy Baby ride around on the carousel as he and Spy Momsky talked about the future. "And," he says, "foolishly, my work at the CIA." Oops. Spy Daddy goes on to talk to Sydney about the school situation, and apologizes for being out of practice when it comes to personal issues. Basically, he tells her that, even though her mother was a duplicitous bitch, it doesn't mean that Syd shouldn't continue with her education. "If you stick with it," he says, "you could become the kind of teacher your students will always remember." "Thank you," says Sydney, rather emotionally. The corner of Spy Daddy's mouth sort of twitches into a half-smile. Victor Garber rules. The scene ends with the two of them wistfully watching the merry-go-round as the tinny carousel music floats over them. Yes, this scene rocked. No argument here.

Conference Room Of Double Agents And The Men They're Trying To Take Down. Sloane informs his agents that linguistics decoded Dahlgren's phone call, but they still don't know who the mystery agency is or just who's behind it. Learning this information and getting a visual ID of "The Man" is their top priority. "I'm tired of referring to him as 'The Man,'" finishes Sloane. So are we all, Arvin. Spy Daddy tells Syd and Dix that the K-Directorate meeting is to take place in twenty hours in an office building in Moscow. Dix and Syd are to survey the meeting in the hopes of obtaining info that will lead SD-6 to "The Man."

Later that same day (although, if Syd's getting her ass to Moscow, this better not be MUCH later that same day), Agent Apathy and Syd are meeting to discuss her counter-mission. Vaughn hands over a flash memory card that's compatible with the surveillance camera that Syd will be using in Moscow. He tells her to just leave it in the seat pocket of 15-C on her flight home and one of the CIA agents will pick it up. Vaughn then broaches the subject of Syd's announcement last week that she wanted to quit SD-6. "I was being naive," says Syd. "No, but, um," stammers Vaughn, "what you said about wanting to go to a hockey game...I don't mean to be part of your life, I, uh, I think I wasn't clear about something." Vaughn then takes a huge breath and screams, "I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!" Or, you know, he just says, "It would be nice to be in public with you, to actually get to look at you. Grab a pizza or go to a hockey game...I...I wasn't clear that I would really like that, too." Awwww...Agent Apathy's all in lurve with Spy Barbie! He's all Agent Amorous now! Kiss her! KISS HER! Dammit. I can't wait til Syd's no longer a spy and she can plant a big wet one on Agent Amorous's pursed little lips!

The Bungalow Of Burgundy And Boyfriend-less Baths. Syd's enjoying a goblet of the finest vintage as she looks at her course paperwork. Francie enters and tells Syd that Charlie told her everything. "You were right," says Francie, crumpling in tears. Syd tries to comfort her as Rickie Lee Jones wails across the soundtrack. Francie notices the course paperwork and asks if Syd's dropping a class. Syd crumples it up and tosses it into the fire.

And then we're in Moscow. At least, I assume it's Moscow, because there's a night view of the Kremlin and Syd's sporting a big fur hat that would look perfectly at home on Nikita Khrushchev's head. She's hanging off the edge of some building, about eighteen floors from the ground. She's also dressed head-to-toe in black leather, and her hair and make-up are FABULOUS. This girl really knows how to dress for covert surveillance, doesn't she?

She scoots herself along a suspended wire and makes her way across to a building. Dixon informs her that their quarry is heading toward the building. She pulls up to a window, pulls something out of her bag, and tells Dixon that the fiber-optic camera is hot. She's got a clear shot of the room. Then she hooks up the audio and WHEELS HERSELF DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW. Like, we can CLEARLY see her face from inside the room. I'm all for suspension of disbelief here but -- I don't know, couldn't they have put her in a ski mask or something? Like, Jennifer Garner's pretty and everything, and I realize that this show is hardly the pinnacle of reality but, come on! How about some camouflage face paint here? Some black smudges or something? I mean, more black smudges than the ones LINING HER EYES.

Whatever. The guys from K-Directorate enter the room and Ewan Deux greets them, saying that his name is Mr. Salk and he's Director of Operations. He can direct my operations any old time. The head K-D guy wants to know just who Ewan Deux works for. "Surely," he says, "you don't expect us to keep referring to him as 'The Man'." No, we don't, but that's not important right now. And don't call me Shirley. Ewan Deux isn't giving up the goods however, and says that he's authorized to act on "The Man's" behalf. He goes on to say that The Rogue Agency will transfer a hundred million dollars into one of K-D's accounts in exchange for the Rambaldi manuscript that K-D recently acquired in Argentina. Remember that manuscript? The one that left Syd hanging backwards off a rope ladder? Yeah, that one.

Dixon gets on the horn to Sydney and tells her that the guy Ewan Deux is talking to isn't just a "representative" of K-Directorate; it's the HEAD of K-Directorate himself. Sydney, who's basically IN the meeting at this point, tries to get even closer. Why? I don't know. Care? Not me. Head K-D thinks that one hundred mil is a mighty fine initial offer. Ewan Deux informs him that this offer ain't the beginning, it's the end. Head K-D tells Ewan Deux that the Rambaldi manuscript is priceless and therefore not up for sale. Ewan Deux counters that this final offer will expire in exactly sixty seconds. Head K-D smirks and asks if this is a joke. Ewan Deux starts counting down the seconds. Head K-D gets up and tells Ewan Deux to inform his employer that his time simply can't, and won't, be wasted like this. Ewan Deux just looks over at his henchman, who pulls a gun and shoots Head K-D dead.

"Congratulations, Comrade Kessna," Ewan Deux says to one of the two remaining K-D guys. "You have just inherited control of the indestructible K-Directorate. You have also inherited what I hope is, by now, a very simple decision. The offer still stands. Unfortunately, you only have twenty seconds to decide." Kessna takes a seat and declares that they have an agreement. Ewan Deux smiles and says his employer will be very pleased to hear this. Sydney -- who by now is actually sitting on Kessna's LAP, she's so damn close -- tries to get EVEN CLOSER. Of course, in doing so, she flakes off a portion of the crumbling building and basically announces her presence with authority to the guard standing below. He starts shooting at her and she starts spiraling around and Ewan Deux's henchman starts shooting at her and, you know, all Hades breaks loose.

Will she make it out alive?

week on Alias: Sydney makes it out alive. Oh, and Lois Lame may bite the dust. Wheee...