First and foremost, kudos and huzzahs to Manimal for her outstanding work as the original and fantabulous recapper for this show. As an admitted Alias addict (yes, all of my friends think I've lost the better portion of my brain cells due to this predilection for disco beats, kick-ass fight scenes, and silly plot points), I slavered over Manimal's recaps and giggled my Gaelic heinie off while reading them. She rocks. Unfortunately, as I believe you all know, Manimal has been called by a higher power, so it's up to me to fill her combat boots.
Let's hope I do her justice, people.
Previously on Alias: Actually, it was a repeat, but that's not important right now. to last week's replay, Sydney rescued Spy Daddy, then Spy Daddy rescued Sydney, then Vaughn told Sydney that the codes she discovered in her mother's books were actually KGB Cyrillic for "Kill a bunch of CIA agents, including Vaughn's very own Spy Daddy." There was also some subterranean plot involving Hassan and a chamber filled with gas, but the most important storyline was the whole "I thought my daddy was a KGB agent, but really it was my mommy" thread.
As if ol' Spy Barbie (tm pseudostudent) didn't already have enough problems.
We pick up where the SpyMomsky revelation left off. Namely, with Sydney stalking off in an effort to put her mother, her father, Vaughn, the CIA, and SD-6 behind her. Spy Daddy runs after her and tells her that she can't lose control over the reception of this information. Sydney, breathing heavily, states that this is NOT the best time to start lecturing her. Spy Daddy, with lip fungus and cheek bandage intact, says that he knows how "this" feels. We can only assume he's talking about finding out that a loved one is not the person you thought they were. "Not exactly," says Syd, her lungs reaching full capacity. "You've had a lot longer to make sense of this than I have." "There was a time," says Spy Daddy, "when this was news to me too." Sydney sort of looks like she's trapped in a gilded cage and just wishes to be free, free, FREE! Spy Daddy steps a bit closer and says, "Your mother was sent to the United States to steal secrets from a ranking officer of the CIA. How she and I…'happened' to meet…how she 'supposedly'…fell in love…I thought it was all true."
(Okay, the emphasis on "happened" and "supposedly" from the dialogue recap is a result of Victor Garber's excellent delivery of the line. Dudes. If he had just said "happened" in a regular manner, I wouldn't even be bothering to recap this dialogue, but even though the camera wasn't on him during the delivery of this line, Mr. Garber managed to let us know that he was totally rolling his eyes while saying the words "happened" and "supposedly" that clued us all in to the fact that his entire marriage to Sydney's mother was a complete and utter sham.)
"It was just a set-up," continues Spy Daddy. "Even her wanting to have a family?" questions Syd. "Was that just part of the plan too?" Spy Daddy says nothing, obviously not wanting to let Syd know that he, indeed, is not her biological father. Yes, I'm projecting. So what? There is NO WAY that Spy Daddy is actually Syd's father. Come ON. Okay, who here thinks that Spy Daddy is Syd's biological father? Lemme see a show of hands. Really? That many? Okay…I'll keep my other wack suppositions in the vault, then.
On with the show…
Sydney sadly walks away from her "father" to the tune of Enya's "How Can I Keep From Singing." Yes, I have the album. No, I'm not forty-five. Syd returns home to The Hatbox Of Painful Memories and shuffles through her family archives. She pauses briefly over the newspaper clipping detailing the accident that involved her mother, her father, and the postal worker-cum-FBI undercover agent, Calder. She tosses that aside and picks up some Photoshopped Bristow family portraits, touching her mother's face gingerly. "There's something that happens when you discover the truth about someone," says Sydney in a VO. "I know a little about this." Then she angrily tosses her mother's photo into the conveniently located, yet entirely unnecessary since she lives in California, fire. "The truth changes everything," her VO concludes as Sydney watches SpyMomsky burn.
Hidden Location Of Clandestine Double-Agent Meetings. The SpyMomsky Exposition Dance continues as Sydney waxes nostalgic about the memory of her mother to Vaughn. She gives this sort of long, flowery speech about how everything she thought about her mother, every item of clothing, every book she left behind, every single memory Sydney has, well, none of it's real. "She wasn't that woman at all," says Sydney. "She was a horrible person…who killed your father." She starts to cry and tells Agent Apathy how sorry she is that her mother was responsible for Daddy Apathy's death. She looks so heartbroken that finally, FINALLY, Captain Wrinkle makes actual physical contact with her and comforts her with a hug as the endless strains of Irish New Age float over them.
Center For International Spy Hijinks. A van pulls up to the security entrance to the Credit Dauphine garage. A scuzzy-looking guy with a cigarette permanently affixed to his lower lip whips out some device and hacks into the security card machine, allowing the van entrance. Clearly, he is up to no good, as the trademark Alias Disco Drums Of Doom on the soundtrack so blatantly illustrate.
After entering the garage, The Van Of Potentially Fun-Lovin' Criminals pulls up to some security cameras. A Fun-Lovin' Criminal jumps out with a pair of wire cutters and cuts the camera wires, causing the screens to go blank in the security office. The SD-6 video security team, which consists of a measly two guys, goes on alert. Soon-To-Be-Dead Security Guard #1 goes to check it out as Soon-To-Be-Dead Security Guard #2 orders him to bring him a coffee with two sugars while he's at it. Way to be proactive about your job, Dead Man Sitting.
Back in the garage, The Fun-Lovin' Criminals are attempting to blowtorch their way into an airshaft. Our Famous Guest Of The Week, Quentin Tarantino, makes his first appearance. He's chilling out in the van, wearing a truly hideous pair of sunglasses and watching the progress of the illegal entry. You know he's a bad dude because, like, he's WEARING SUNGLASSES INDOORS. Tell me why Hollywood continues to illustrate "badness" with "sunglasses indoors"? I mean, I can't see past the ends of my fingers when I'm wearing my sunglasses as I simply walk up the stairs to my apartment, so I seriously can't imagine wearing them in a dark garage while sitting in a van. But that's probably why I'm not a Fun-Lovin' Criminal. While Q sits there, trying to look all cool, the other FLCs load up their various weapons of destruction.
Soon-To-Be-Dead Security Guard #1 enters the garage and sees the van parked up against the airshaft and some blue sparks spilling out from behind it. He speaks into his wrist and asks the other guard if he knows anything about any AC repairs. That's a negative, Dead Man Walking. STBDSG #1 readies his gun and approaches the van. He doesn't get too far, however; one of the FLCs comes up behind him and cracks him across the skull with the wire cutters. Buh-bye, STBDSG #1.
Back at Unrequited Spy Love Central, Syd informs Agent Apathy that she doesn't want the double-agent job anymore. Vaughn tells her that this isn't the Starbucks on the corner of Damen and Wilson; she can't just up and quit because she doesn't enjoy slinging cranberry scones at irritating yuppies. Actually, he just tells her that "this" (which I'm assuming means "KGB-sanctioned murder") is why she's doing the job in the first place. "You're helping bring an end to SD-6," he says, giving us a forehead-wrinkle count of three with the added novelty of a between-the-eyebrows furrow. "Not anymore," states Sydney firmly. "I need someone in my life to be real." "This, right here, what we do -- is real," says Vaughn. Sydney calmly smiles. "Look where we are," she says. "This isn't real. This isn't what we should be doing." No, you should be buck-nekkid between Egyptian cotton sheets, doing the horizontal mambo…but that's probably not what you meant, is it? Bad Regina! Bad girl! No biscuit!
Sydney states again that she wants out. Vaughn seems to realize that she's serious about this, and wants to know if she wants to enter the witness protection program. Sydney says she doesn't, primarily because she's a retard with a death wish, but also because she doesn't want to go into hiding. "If you don't, Sloane will kill you," says Captain Non-Courageous. "I don't think he will," says Sydney. "Because he's my daddy and he lurves me!" Yeah, I know, she doesn't say that. Shut up. A girl can dream, can't she? Anyway, Syd gets up and, jumping over a huge gap in continuity, asks Vaughn if he likes hockey. He's all, yeah, how'd you know? She's all, dude, that Kings commemorative puck you wear around your neck makes it pretty damn obvious. Sydney asks him if he wants to attend the Kings vs. Islanders showdown week. Vaughn's all, WOO! I'm gonna get me some post-hockey double-agent ASS. Or, you know, he tells her that she can't stop being an SD-6 mole. Sydney doesn't respond. Shocker.
Newspaper Of No Importance Whatsoever. Our favorite moronic newspaperman with no purpose is hanging out, doing little or no work, as usual. And here's where I unveil the new official nickname of Will The Doofus: Will-age Idiot. Yes, the decision was difficult to make. I spent hours and hours poring over the excellent suggestions from the posters. Yeah, okay, so it was more like twenty minutes or something. So, anyway, it actually came down to "Won't" and "Will-age Idiot," and since "Won't" was my suggestion and I'd made a big deal about writing a whole paragraph about the winning contributor, I didn't really feel that it was appropriate to get all self-congratulatory and write a whole paragraph about me because, you know, who the hell cares about me? And "Will-age Idiot" had Sars and me giggling like errant schoolgirls, so I decided to award Souris with the honor of two seconds of fame. She deserves it. Seriously, "Will-age Idiot" makes me snicker even now. Congratulations to Souris for her brilliant nicknaming work. And thanks to y'all for playing. Keep an eye out for other suggested nicknames in recaps to come. (Note: I still really like "Won't," though, so I may just switch between the two. No, it's not cheating. I'm the recapper. My word is God.)
Right. Back to the recap currently in progress.
Will-age Idiot is kickin' it old-school -- but, you know, not. He's wearing his lame-ass headphones and has his lame-ass feet up on the desk. What a tool. Sit up and actually do some work, you bad-hair-having dipshit. His partner in statutory rape, Jennie, comes up and tosses a file containing the appeal filed by McNeil's lawyer last year (remember him? The Ken Olin character?) and then tells Will-age Idiot that she found out that "SD-6" is an ingredient in artificial sweeteners. Will-age then asks her if his voice is annoying. "YES!" she screams. Turns out that Will-age was actually listening to the Eloise Kurtz interview on those lame-ass headphones of his, and he started thinking about his interview with McNeil and his lawyer, and he thinks that they all had the same look in their eyes -- namely, that they just wanted to get away from Will-age. I know how they feel. Jennie assures him that he's a journalist, and is therefore required to be annoying. Hee.
So Will-age is all, you're saying I'm annoying? Jennie's all, not to Danny or Eloise Kurtz. Will-age is all, oh, so I'm not annoying to dead people? No, Will, you're annoying TO EVERYONE. Even dead people. Jennie's all, you're their champion. Oh, whatever. This scene may be even more annoying than Will. Get back to The Fun-Lovin' Criminals, dammit! Nutshell? Will-age Idiot decides that he can't do the SD-6 story, because he doesn't want to put any more lives in jeopardy. Yawn.
Yay! Fun-Lovin' Criminals! The FLCs burst forth from the airshaft with guns and 'tudes a-blazin'. Wicked Cool Asian Chick FLC takes a look at her handy little heartbeat detector Palm Pilot as Soon-To-Be-Dead Security Guard #3 makes an appearance at the end of the hall. He flicks off the laser security grid (why? Who knows? Who cares?), and the FLCs take him out. The whole group starts running pell-mell down the hallway with an outrageously fat Quentin Tarantino in the lead, as that kick-ass Rob Zombie song from The Matrix plays in the background. Man, I love that movie. One of the FLCs lags behind and has to slide beneath the returning laser barrier. He makes it, and Puff Daddy Q rips off his industrial jumpsuit, revealing a standard-issue SD-6 agent suit. "How do I look?" Q asks the Wicked Cool Asian Chick FLC. You look like someone hit you in the face with the concave side of a shovel (tm JessKay), dude. But that's not important right now.
Meanwhile, Sydney arrives at the garage door, enters her security card, and pulls into the garage. Up in the SD-6 offices, Shovelhead walks casually through the maze of desks with a cup of coffee. He passes by Sloane's office as Arvin (that name KILLS me) is trying to get his wife's doctor on the phone. While he's waiting, his computer screen shows Shovelhead and announces that there's an unauthorized person in the office. The computer starts running an ID program.
At the same time, Syd's pulling into her parking space. She exits her car and passes by the FLC van, where Cigarette-Smoking Russian FLC leans out and says, "Hey zere, beautiful! Why don't choo turn zat frown upside down?" Sydney shoots him in the head with her Walther 9mm, eliciting screams of joy from verbally-harassed women everywhere. Okay, not really. But CSR FLC doesn't particularly enjoy the fact that Sydney just ignores him instead of jumping into his lap and slipping him the tongue, so he pulls out his gun and aims it directly at the back of her head.
And we're at the first commercial break of the evening. No, I can't believe it either. How in the HELL did Manimal do this week after week? Six bloody pages in and we're not even into the meat of the episode. I need a drink.
Mmmm…Amstel Light.
Back from the break, Syd's still walking through the garage, and CSR FLC is still pointing his gun at her. Luckily, he's distracted by the wheel-screeching arrival of Spy Daddy, who jumps out of his car and tells Sydney that what she's doing is pure suicide. Dear Continuity Department: Where's the bandage? Not minutes ago, Spy Daddy was sporting a gargantuan bandage on his right cheekbone, but it's miraculously disappeared. Dudes? They're called "dailies." Look into it. Sydney disagrees with her father. Shocker. "What exactly is your exit strategy here?" says Spy Daddy. "Politely asking Sloane to let you out of SD-6?" Heh. Sydney claims that, based on Sloane's prior protective behavior toward her, getting out of SD-6 may not be all that difficult. Spy Daddy begs to differ. "Sloane answers to people," he says. "People who neither know or care about you. If he lets you go, they'll eliminate him and you." Sydney just glares at him as they enter the elevator.
Sloane's still on the phone, watching the ID progress on his screen. The computer comes up with a match: McKenas Cole. "Cole," says Arvin, subtly suggesting panic. Therefore, he hits the SD-6 panic button and activates the fail-safe lockdown.
Spy Daddy's still trying to convince Sydney that going to Sloane ain't such a good idea. "Those people Sloane works for, the Alliance," says Spy Daddy, "if they believe you've abandoned them, they will kill anyone they think you've talked to. Your roommate, Francie, that reporter friend of yours, anyone." Sydney looks pained. Or she looks bored. I can't really tell.
In the video security office, Soon-To-Be-Dead Security Guard #2 hears the door open behind him and says, "Lemme guess. You forgot the two sugars?" He turns, and Shovelhead shoots him twice in the chest. I'm sure we'd all like to assume that Dead Guy Sitting would most likely have seen Shovelhead walking down the hall, seeing as he has all those monitors in front of him for, you know, a REASON, but I've reconciled myself to the fact that suspension of disbelief is just a way of life when it comes to this show so, like, I'll allow it.
Sloane makes a call, and the phone rings in the very video security office where Shovelhead is standing at this very moment. "We have a physical breach," says Sloane. "Initiate immediate lockdown procedures." "Whatever you say, Arvin," sneers Shovelhead. Hee. "Arvin." Hee hee.
Elevator Of Father-Daughter Relations. Sydney claims that she felt like leaving SD-6 even before she found out about SpyMomsky. Before Spy Daddy can retort, the elevator loses power and the lights go out. Up in the offices, clouds of gas pour out through the AC. Everyone, including Arvin, Dixon, and Marshall, goes down for the count. Back in the elevator, Spy Daddy picks up the emergency phone and discovers that it's dead. Spy Daddy surmises that this couldn't be a blackout, because a blackout wouldn't shut down security.
After an establishing shot of the city at night, we're greeted with Will-age Idiot AT A URINAL. Ew. Did we really need to see that? Couldn't he just have been washing his hands or something? I mean, bodily functions are a fact of life and all, but just seeing him flushing the toilet conjures up images of Will-age Idiot with his pants down and, really, I don't need that kind of mental garbage running around in my skull. Bleah. Will-age is washing his hands (see? That's all they needed to do, people! We would have gotten the picture!) when his cell phone rings. He picks up and is instructed by Deep Throat to go to his desk. Will informs him that he's off the story. "Leave the bathroom and go to your desk," says The Voice Of Coming Storylines. Will-age does as the voice instructs, totally creeped out that Deep Throat knows exactly where he is. Ew. Does that mean Deep Throat watched him pee, too? Gross.
Will-age approaches his desk and sees a plain manila envelope on his chair. Jennie picks up Will's phone and tells him that there's a guy on the phone with a totally nasal voice. She also gives him some random article assignment. Like we care. Will-age picks up the phone, and Deep Throat informs him that there's something in the envelope that will make Ken Olin -- oops, I mean "David McNeil" -- talk. Will-age doesn't want to make Ken Olin talk. Deep Throat taunts Will-age by saying, "You said you didn't scare easily." "Well, if you're so brave," squeaks Won't, "how 'bout losing the voice box and telling me your name." Deep Throat doesn't respond, and Won't directs him not to call again and hangs up the phone. He picks up the envelope and tosses it into the garbage.
Realm Of Shovelhead-Powered Terrorist Action. Shovelhead and the black clad Fun-Lovin' Criminals charge through the offices with breathing apparatuses shoved in their mouths. Yes, they should have their noses covered too. No, it doesn't make sense. Yes, I'm moving on now…Shovelhead looks even more ridiculous with that machine sticking out of his face. And what is UP with his haircut? Seriously. I've seen better hairlines on a fracture. Is this the show of Enormous Foreheads, or what? First Sydney, then Vaughn, now Shovelhead? Is that how they cast this thing? "So, you've trained with Stella Adler, you speak three languages, you're a black-belt in karate, and…yes! You have a forehead that can be used as an advertising billboard! You're hired!"
After removing the breathing apparatus, Shovelhead checks his watch and informs the FLCs that they're five minutes ahead of schedule. "Get 'em locked up, baby!" he shouts as several FLCs proceed to tie up the unconscious SD-6 employees. He instructs one of the FLCs to secure the elevator and walks over to the Wicked Cool Asian Chick FLC, who's typing away at a laptop. "You jammin'?" he asks. "I'm jammin'," she says. Shovelhead loudly kisses her on the top of her head. WCAC FLC makes a mental note to delouse her hair just as soon as this mission's over.
Vaughn's Office Of Internal Turmoil. Vaughn's brooding at his desk. Agent Sean enters and asks him if he wants to go get a pizza. Vaughn declines. Agent Sean walks over to his desk and just leans on it, waiting for Vaughn to talk. "Sydney wants to quit SD-6," says Commander Stupid (tm flipflop). "Which, she knows, she just can't do." Vaughn turns and launches into his whole "my daddy's dead and all I got was this wrinkly forehead" speech. Agent Sean resignedly parks it and wonders why in the HELL he even bothered to enter Vaughn's office in the first place. "You really want some space?" Agent Sean asks when there's a break in Vaughn's narrative. "Or are you and I gonna go get drunk?" Hee! More Agent Sean! More Agent Sean!
Before Vaughn can give Agent Sean an answer, Joey Slotnick enters and acts like he's been on this show since the pilot. He's all, hey, what a day, huh? And you can immediately tell that he's a total backstabbing weasel. How does Joey Slotnick do that? He just enters the room and you already know he's slime. Both Vaughn and Agent Sean get these snarly looks on their faces. "Come on," says The Weasel. "Bristow's mom, your dad? It's not like a secret around here. Vaughn, that really sucks." "Well put," says Agent Sean, suggesting that it's anything but. The Weasel goes on to suggest that Barnett, the CIA psychologist, is going to be good for Vaughn. "I'm not seeing Barnett," says First Officer Forehead. "Oh, yeah ya are," says The Weasel. "She wants to see ya. I mean, come on! You're Bristow's handler, you find out her mom killed your dad? She's a shrink! She lives for crisis management. I think she'll be good for ya." First Officer Forehead just stares at him. "I like thick crust," concludes The Weasel, "in case you wanted me to come." "Oh, hey, we don't!" snarks Agent Sean. More Agent Sean! More Agent Sean!
Back in The Elevator Of Stalled Plot Lines, Sydney's moderately distressed that she still can't get a cell phone signal. Dude, that's not because there's some sort of disaster; you're in an elevator! I don't think there's a single cell phone anywhere that can get a signal in an elevator. Even super-secret-special spy cell phones can't get a signal in an elevator. ["Mine does. It plays the Knight Rider theme, too. Neener neener." -- Sars] As Spy Daddy wonders if someone's jamming the frequencies, the elevator starts moving again. Spy Daddy states that the elevator is resuming service because of the emergency lockdown procedures and will be returning to the SD-6 offices, where the doors will automatically open. Sydney opens her mouth slightly, indicating fear, panic, or an immediate need for more oxygen. Outside the elevator, a Spiky-Haired FLC approaches with his weapon cocked. (Hee. "Cocked.") The "ding" sounds for the elevator as the SH FLC stands, ready to kill whatever unfortunate occupants may be inside.
Oooh, I wonder if they'll make it out alive? The suspense is SO not killing me right now. Time for another Amstel Light and a reality check.
Ding. The doors open, and Spiky-Haired FLC takes aim and shoots Spy Daddy and Spy Barbie dead! End scene! Yeah, right. They're both safely on top of the elevator. SH FLC declares that the elevator is secure. Spy Daddy and Syd travel through the elevator shaft and make it back down to the area where Dead Security Guard #3 lies. They quickly move past him into Laser Show Hallway. Spy Daddy turns off the grid by pressing his thumb to a pad. "The advantages of high-level clearance," he says. Dude. You didn't need to say that. I think we all could have surmised that you have high-level clearance after the whole thumb thingy. Way to wrongly assume that your audience is a bunch of idiots, Alias writers.
Syd and her dad enter what looks like a used computer wasteland. It could be the video security area, but I don't see Dead Security Guard #2, so I doubt it. Spy Daddy gets to work on a jumble of cords as Sydney wonders how K-Directorate managed to overpower fifty trained agents. Spy Daddy basically says that it couldn't be K-Directorate, because if K-Directorate attacked SD-6, they'd know that SD-6 would return the favor. His guess is that it's some sort of rogue group that's incredibly unpredictable and dangerous. No duh. Spy Daddy manages to hack into the video surveillance feed and brings up a view of several SD-6 agents, their hands bound behind their backs, with a couple of menacing FLCs circling around them. The hardware, Spy Daddy and Sydney surmise, is standard-issue military. They come up with an FLC headcount of four. Sydney sees Shovelhead on the screen and declares the grand total to be five.
Up in the actual offices, Shovelhead slowly walks around and says that he wants to have a little chat with Arvin. Shovelhead tries to look menacing, but his head is so misshapen and his face is so wonky that he just winds up looking like an incredibly warped cartoon version of "Agent Smith" from The Matrix. Yes, it all comes back to The Matrix, people. Shovelhead makes this totally useless speech about catching up on old times and SD-6 and how Sloane looks older. Get. To. The. Point. Oh. Here it is. "You know what the worst part is?" says Shovelhead. "Being left for dead in Grozny. Arvin? Well, you're going to learn the worst part. But another part that sucks is seeing guys you worked with, guys you thought were tougher than deer jerky, tortured to death. That's no good. The most ironical part for me is we did the damn job. We blew that pipeline to hell the first night we landed." Okay, Quentin Tarantino TOTALLY wrote his own dialogue for this thing. "Deer jerky"? Heh.
Down in the computer wasteland, Syd asks if Spy Daddy knows Shovelhead. He doesn't, but he's familiar with the operation. Blah blah blah Sloane sent a team to Chechnya to destroy a pipeline, bling bling blam there were complications, flim fling flooey the team was captured by the Russians. Shovelhead continues doing the exposition shuffle and says that if some chopper had been where Sloane knew it should have been, his whole life would have taken a different turn. We get it. Shovelhead thinks Sloane screwed him, and now he's here for payback. .
Arvin wants to know what Shovelhead wants. Shovelhead informs him that he's got this kick-ass new job working for "The Man." Heh. "What 'The Man' wants is a certain little sumpin' sumpin' you got in the SD-6 vault," says Shovelhead, proving once again that Mr. Tarantino was indeed responsible for his own dialogue. Sloane tells him that when the lockdown was initiated, not only was the vault secured, but the vault access room was secured as well. Shovelhead tells him not to worry about the access room, because his FLCs are taking care of that. What he needs, however, is the combination to the vault itself. Sloane just laughs at him and says, "Not a chance." Dixon, sitting on the floor a few feet away, looks a tad worried. Shovelhead kicks his chair away and mentions "The Conversation Room," a.k.a. "The Torture Room." Shovelhead invites Sloane to join him on a little visit to The Conversation Room.
After another establishing shot of the city at night, we're back in The Land Of The Will-age Idiot. Will-age is all excited because he's going to go interview some corrupt developer. "So," says Jennie, "No more McNeil?" "Nope," says Will-age. "Hm," says Jennie. "Interesting." She walks off, leaving Will-age Idiot to wonder if her sarcastic tone means he won't be engaging in any future inappropriate non-business-related skin sessions with her. My guess is NO. Will-age glances at the crumpled manila envelope in his garbage can and goes off to his interview.
Office Of Agent Psychological Well-Being. Hey, it's Nancy from thirtysomething! Or should I say, hey, it's Ken Olin's wife! Would you like another Amstel Light with that nepotism, Ms. Rouge? Why, I don't mind if I do! Actually, I dig Patricia Wettig. I hated her long-suffering character, Nancy, but she's a damn fine actress. Too bad she's in this episode for all of five minutes. Commander Stupid greets the good Dr. Nancy, and she takes a seat in a chair opposite the sofa. Oh, goody. She's not going to pull that "I'm going to sit behind my desk and act all superior while you grovel opposite me in a chair that's three sizes too small for you" act. I hate that. Commander Stupid informs her that, while he has nothing against shrinks (like we care), he thinks that this impromptu session may be a waste of time. And once again, for those of us in the audience who've been too busy constructing scale models of Hearst Castle out of toothpicks to PAY ATTENTION TO THE LAST ELEVEN EPISODES, Vaughn repeats the entire history of his father's death and SpyMomsky's involvement. Vaughn wraps it up by saying he doesn't need crisis management. After Dr. Nancy jerks herself awake, she tells Vaughn that she'll keep their discussion confidential. What she really wants to talk to him about is his relationship with Sydney. "How often do you meet with Sydney?" she asks. "Couple times a week," he says. "Three or four sometimes." Dude. That's more than I see the guy I'm casually sleeping with. And you're not even getting any mighty fine lovin' outta this. Face it. You want to kiss her, you want to lurve her, you want to marry her…
Sorry. Just went to Miss Congeniality in my mind there for a second.
"Only about operations?" asks Dr. Nancy, cutting to the chase. "Uh, we have met on occasion," Vaughn hems and haws, "when Sydney wanted to talk to me about what was happening within SD-6…or regarding her father, when she believed he was a KGB, and not her mother…oh, and the time we met to discuss Elizabethan poetry…yeah, and that time she asked me over to fix her radiator and then I got there and, like, she had central heating, which, you know, I thought was kinda weird and all, but, like, I thought maybe she was just confused because, um…" Dude. Quit with the high school floundering here. You dig her the most. Own up to it. Dr. Nancy says as much when she asks Vaughn if he and Sydney have a friendship. Vaughn flails and says that Sydney needs someone to talk to, and that he's the only one in whom she can confide. "So, you feel that your relationship with Ms. Bristow is fully appropriate?" says Dr. Nancy. "That it falls within the guidelines of 'agent' and 'handler'?" "What're you asking me?" says Vaughn. Dr. Nancy's all, I've received some reports about your behavior. Vaughn's all, reports from whom? Dr. Nancy's all, remember the incident in Tuscany where you sent in an extraction team to protect Sydney? Vaughn's all argumentative and making up excuses. "Did you purchase a Christmas present for Agent Bristow?" D'oh! Vaughn looks around the room for some answer that won't make him look like a Sydney-stalking fool. Unfortunately, all he can come up with is some scattered statement about being unaware of the regulations preventing officers from observing, with their co-workers, such a widely recognized holiday such as Christmas. Nice try, Double-O-Nothing (tm flipflop). Dr. Nancy wants to know what the gift was. It was actually a pretty lame picture frame, if you must know. Vaughn wants to know who's been reporting him. Dr. Nancy can't tell him that. "Then I'm just gonna have to guess," spits Vaughn. He's about as threatening as the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
And now we return to the storyline we actually give a shit about.
One of the FLCs is attempting to drill his way through a wall. Spy Daddy searches the various cameras for the remaining two FLCs. He finds them -- wait for it -- attempting to drill their way through a wall. "We should be in the vault room in ten minutes," Driller FLC informs Shovelhead in a French accent. "Ten minutes?" says Syd. "What're they going for in the vault?" "Could be anything," says Spy Daddy. "Sloane was planning on sending you to Taiwan, do you know about that?" And, while there was no mention of this Taiwan trip in any episode, Sydney says, "FTL acquired some Scud launchers and he wants me to scramble their launch codes." Um. What in the hell is "FTL"? One of the posters asked this question, and I have to say, I don't have an answer. I've never even HEARD of this "FTL." Am I missing something? I haven't missed an episode or a recap since the beginning of this show, and I don't remember hearing anything about any "FTL." Whatever. I had to rewind the tape four times just to catch the damn name.
Spy Daddy recalls that Marshall was working on a code-scrambling device, and wants to know if Syd remembers what it looks like. "Why?" Sydney asks. "Sloane must have activated the emergency fail-safe," says Spy Daddy. "There are five hundred pounds of C-4 strategically placed within the substructure of this building. Opening the vault will trigger that C-4. All underground levels will collapse, burying any evidence that the Los Angeles level of SD-6 ever existed." "You want to scramble the vault codes?" says Syd, finally getting a clue. Spy Daddy locates the camera in Marshall's office and asks Sydney if she can identify the scrambler. She sees it: it's a cosmetic compact on his desk. Spy Daddy declares that, even though the desk is near an air vent, it's too dangerous to physically enter Marshall's office. Sydney conveniently spies a novelty magnet in the shape of a shark and declares that they "fish for it." See what she did there? It's a shark magnet? Fishing for it? See?
Shovelhead's Chamber Of Overly-Dramatic Torture. The WCAC FLC is strapping Sloane to a chair. Shovelhead slathers Chapstick on his lips while filling Sloane in on his own torture at the hands of the Russians. Blah blah blah he was tortured for thirty-eight straight days. Thirty-eight days too few, if you ask me. Do you really want me to recap Q-Master's entire speech? Didn't think so. Basically, the Russians asked him questions about Islamic rebels and Russian POWs. Shovelhead tells Sloane that he informed the Russians that he was just a little ol' kid from Redondo Beach running black ops for Uncle Sam. Unfortunately, when the Russians checked with both front-end and back-end CIA info systems, the CIA claimed they'd never heard of him. "They denied all knowledge of any operative by the name of McKenas Cole," concludes Shovelhead. Sloane just smirks.
At this point, I'm wondering if Shovelhead thought he actually was working for the CIA at the time of this unfortunate interlude. I suppose he did, right? Because otherwise, he wouldn't have had the Russians contact the CIA, right? Oh, I don't know. What the hell. Let's continue. "So," says Shovelhead, "when that Russian got off the phone, he was so pissed. He was so insane with rage. That was when he showed me this. Baby?" The WCAC FLC hands Shovelhead a rather medieval-looking leather-bound box. Oh! The box! Hence the title of this week's episode.
Fathers And Daughters Working Together. Spy Daddy opens up the entrance to the airshaft and starts spitting out exit instructions to Sydney. "Dad, you're not doing this," she says. "Of course I am," he says. "What're you talking about?" "No, you're not!" asserts Syd. "You're gonna have to crawl through a maze of airshafts, get to Marshall's office, get the scrambler, get to the vault room, and scramble the code, all in under ten minutes. I mean, no offense, but, Dad -- I am doing this." Awww. Spy Daddy continues to attempt to give her helpful instructions and Sydney's all, "Dad, I know how to do this!" Sydney can't believe that they're actually trying to save SD-6. She enters the airshaft. As she crawls along above him, Spy Daddy puts his hand up and sort of lovingly touches the airshaft itself. Awww part deux. Victor Garber? You rule. If I hadn't spent my last remaining tears during the mawkish ending of Pay It Forward, I'd be spilling a few over this scene, lemme tell you.
Back in Shovelhead's Secret Room Of Drawn-Out Verbal Torture, Shovelhead asks Sloane if he wants to see what's inside The Box. Sloane wisely ignores him. "You're gonna give me the combination to the SD-6 vault," menaces Shovelhead. "And if you don't, I'm going open this box. And Arvin? Trust me when I tell you. You do not want me. To. Open. This. Box."
Thank God. Another commercial. Lord, this is exhausting. If this were The Agency, I'd be done by now. I'd probably also be drunker than an intern at a company Christmas party, if you want to know the truth. That's the only way I actually survived those damn recaps. Ahhh, the good old days of inebriated recapping…I miss them so.
Establishing shot of some random brewing company/restaurant. Will-age Idiot's sitting at a table, going over what are, most likely, incredibly stupid notes about this crooked developer. On his table? Four nice white china place settings, some water glasses, and what looks like a box of wheatgrass. Playing over the stereo system? Classical. Waiters? Dressed like waiters. Um, didn't the establishing shot inform us that this was a "brewing company"? Shouldn't Will-age be sitting at a corner booth with a basket of home fries and a tasty microbrew? Shouldn't the music be Dave Matthews or something? Shouldn't the waiters look like college students? All I'm sayin' is, MATCH YOUR EXTERIORS AND INTERIORS, PLEASE. That is all. Anyway, Will-age Idiot's scribbling something in his notebook. It's probably naked pictures of Sydney. A youngish-looking girl approaches and asks him if he's Will Tippin. He says that he is, and she takes a seat opposite him. Will-age Idiot's confused. "Are you with Carla D'Angelo's office?" She has no idea what he's talking about. "On my voicemail, you said you were working on a story about my dad," she says. "Your dad?" asks Will. "Yeah," she says. "David McNeil?" Will-age looks ill. Actually, Bradley Cooper does a really good job here of looking like someone who's just eaten something rather tasty and then been informed that what he's just swallowed is actually seal brains. He looks frightened and paranoid and nauseous all at once. "I never called you," says Will. "Now, I don't know what you know --" Daughter McNeil informs him that she knows everything. Will-age tells her that they never talked and that this never happened. He gets up and leaves as Daughter McNeil watches him go.
Offices of The Agency and Sundry Other CIA-Based Programs. The Weasel is slithering down a hallway. Vaughn chases after him. "What the hell is your problem, lackey?" Vaughn spews. "Reporting me to [Dr. Nancy]?" "I don't have a problem, I told you," says The Weasel. "You have the problem." "Well, you know what? This might shock you, but my business is not your business." "I'm looking out for the good of the agency." "Yeah? Then you should quit!" Hee. Double-O-Nothing is much more attractive when he's going all commando on someone's ass. The Weasel tells Vaughn that he's too emotionally attached to Sydney. "Like you would know anything about being emotionally attached to a woman!" snarks Vaughn. Double hee. "I think your judgment's impaired!" snaps The Weasel. "I think I'm gonna kick your ass!" Snort. Dude. A second-grade Girl Scout could kick The Weasel's ass. But we appreciate your effort. And you look mighty fine when you're handing the smackdown to a man who's approximately half your size. Heh. "You're outta line!" shouts The Weasel. "No, YOU'RE outta line!" shouts Vaughn, slamming The Weasel up against the wall as agents come a-runnin'. "You stay the HELL outta my operations, you understand me?" Agent Sean pulls Vaughn off of The Weasel. "Did you see that? Did everyone see that?" says The Weasel, his voice cracking. "That's what I'm talkin' about!" And then he sort of scampers off to his cave of snitchery.
And once again, we're back at SD-6. An FLC with a head full of silly-looking braids is standing watch over the captured agents. Dixon looks mildly concerned. Spy Barbie's up in the airshafts, crawling around in search of Marshall's office. She locates it and puts "Operation Refrigerator Magnet" into play. Spy Daddy's down in the computer wasteland, watching her progress. Sydney nabs the compact, then loses it, grabbing what looks like an earring instead. She lowers the magnet again. Down in the vault area, Driller FLC announces that the explosives are in place and he's activating the detonator. Sydney nabs the compact, only to lose it when the vault explosives go off. You know what this means, don't you? "Operation Refrigerator Magnet" is a bust. Sydney's going in.
Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum Of Torture Devices And Humongous Foreheads. Driller FLC enters and tells Shovelhead, "We're in." "Ehhhxcellent," responds Shovelhead, channeling Mr. Burns. He turns to Sloane and offers him two choices: Don't give up the codes and they'll get in anyway because they have the technology to do so, or give up the codes and The Box remains closed. Okay, so, if they can get in anyway, then why do they need the damn codes? Is it just a chance for Shovelhead to torture Sloane for his own twisted reasons? Fine. Then start torturing him and GET ON WITH IT.
"I can't be the first person to have difficulty taking you seriously, can I?" says Sloane. Hee. I lurve him. "While that was a moderately clever retort," says Shovelhead, sitting in front of Sloane, "I'm the man holding THE BOX." He then opens The Box and removes a ratty-looking package. "Have you ever…regretted being born?" he asks Sloane. Shovelhead unfurls the package, revealing some needle-like devices that mean absolutely nothing to me. "That's a pretty heavy thing to experience," continues Shovelhead. "Regret at having emerged from your mother's womb." He blah blahs some more about the whole "being born" thing and then pulls out one of the needles and introduces Sloane to "The Needles of Fire." Ooooh…scary.
Back in Marshall's office, Sydney's opening the airshaft as Spy Daddy watches on the monitor. She makes some indecipherable hand gestures that apparently suggest to Spy Daddy that he should attempt to signal Marshall and Dixon with Morse code using a video camera monitor light and get them to create a distraction. Yeah, I don't know how Spy Daddy got all that from a few little hand gestures, but whatever. While Spy Daddy's trying to reach Marshall and Dixon, Sydney stupidly lets the airshaft door slam against the airshaft itself. This, of course, makes Braidy FLC's aural alert system go off. He goes to check out the noise.
Luckily, Marshall finally notices the camera light and clues Dixon in on it. Meanwhile, Sydney flips herself out of the airshaft, making even more noise, and Braidy FLC is all over it. He doesn't see anything through Marshall's apparently opaque blinds, and Dixon takes this opportunity to fake an epileptic fit. Braidy runs back over to see whassup. Sydney drops down, picks up the compact, and pulls herself back up into the airshaft as Braidy kicks Dixon in the gut. So much for first aid training.
Braidy, who by now is totally reminding me of Little Steven Van Zandt what with his whole kerchief-on-the-head thing, returns to Marshall's office to check out the noise he heard. Marshall, in an effort to delay Braidy's exit, stands up and says, in his endearingly geeky manner, that he's developing a sort of Stockholm Syndrome thing for his captors. Hee. Braidy's having none of it and just smacks him a good one on the noggin with the butt of his gun. Aw, poor Marshall. Wounds heal, my friend, but Stockholm Syndrome is forever.
Little Room Of Irritating Quentin Tarantino Scenery-Chewing. Shovelhead goes on and on about some restaurant in Louisiana where the hot sauce makes people cry. Sloane is so bored that he breaks free of his straps and actually inserts the needles into his eyeballs just to KILL THE PAIN. Seriously, dudes. This dialogue is pure Tarantino -- not terribly amusing, goes on too long, and does nothing but WASTE MY TIME. Apparently, "The Needles of Fire" contain some sort of concentrated peppers or something. But worse. Right. Got it. "The Needles of Fire" are mighty painful. .
It's after the commercial break, and we're back in the hell that is known as Quentin Tarantino's scene-stealing. He's ripping off duct tape, he's taping Sloane's hand backward, he's reaching for the needle, he's poking Sloane's hand. Can we move on now? I see that we can. Sloane tells Shovelhead to get a pen. Looks like Sloane's giving up the codes.
Yet another establishing shot of the city at night. Will-age Idiot's back at his desk. Daughter McNeil enters and says she knows that he doesn't want to talk to her. He wants to, boy does he WANT to, whocka whocka -- he just doesn't think that they should. Daughter McNeil informs him that she doesn't exactly know everything about her father; she doesn't know what SD-6 is, and she doesn't know why they destroyed her life. What she does know is that they killed her mother and framed her father and she and Will-age Idiot have an obligation to stop them. Will's all, but I don't want you to get hurt. Daughter McNeil's all, my godfather has a place I can hide, so quit yer bitchin' and help my dad already! Will-age finally sucks it up and pulls the manila envelope out of the garbage. What's inside? Why, some sort of key, of course. And thus ends this week's tedious episode of Will Is A Monkey Wrench.
Meanwhile, Sloane's giving up the codes. When he's done, Shovelhead goes ahead and pierces Sloane's hand with the needle, telling him that it takes a few minutes for the hot stuff to kick in. "So, Arvin? Why don't you give us the real code?" Sloane, it would seem, does so, because a second later, Shovelhead and a couple of FLCs are thundering down the hall toward the vault room as The Disco Drums Of Doom play on.
Sydney enters the vault room as Spy Daddy watches Shovelhead storming the halls. She pulls out the compact and scrambles the code. Shovelhead gets closer. Sydney grabs the compact and enters an airshaft down near the ground, replacing the grate just as Shovelhead enters. He tries the code. D'oh! Too late, Shovelhead! Access denied! Sydney once again manages to make a serious amount of noise up in the airshaft. Um, Syd? Here's a question for ya: Why didn't you just STAY STILL? Shovelhead was just gonna enter the code, be denied access, and then probably go back to Sloane for more torturous dialogue -- you didn't need to move for that, girlfriend! Yes, I'd be a much better spy than Sydney Bristow. Yes, I've had three Amstel Lights. Yes, I agree, let's wrap this hummer up.
Shovelhead grabs a gun from one of the FLCs. The FLC uses his heart monitor Palm Pilot to locate Sydney in the airshaft. Shovelhead riddles the airshaft with bullets. Sydney scrambles away and winds up beneath a rotating fan with no escape. End scene!
week: Actually, week is some Stephen King extravaganza. The week after? The Super Bowl. We won't get a new chapter in the lives of Sydney and Spy Daddy until February 10th. Dammit.