Previously: Sydney takes a lie-detector test, and Carl Dryer, the test's administrator, fingers her as the mole. The Rambaldi clock turns out to map a location in Argentina that leads to Rambaldi's journals. Sydney and Dixon track it down, only to have Ana Espinosa beat them to the punch, shoot Dixon, and kick Sydney down a big hole.
Close-up of Sydney's face. She's unconscious. The camera revolves, and she's hanging upside-down -- apparently on her fall down, her leg hooked into one of the ladder's rungs and she passed out that way, maybe a few feet from the floor. I can't even begin to start on the sheer improbability of this. It doesn't make. Any. Sense. It makes less sense than the Antonio Banderas-Melanie Griffith marriage, for goodness sake. In fact, it smells of Eau de Big Cheat, or perhaps Parfum de We Couldn't Think Of A Real Way Out Of This One, but whatever.
Sydney comes to. She climbs all the way up again. She makes it out into the unforgiving sun of Argentina. She calls for Dixon on the walkie-talkie. I think we're assuming it's the same day. No answer from Dixon. Sydney grabs her pack and runs. She spies Dixon's walkie-talkie and some blood. She follows the blood to a small clearing, where Dixon's lying; he's been shot in the chest. Sydney says, "You weren't wearing your vest! Why weren't you wearing your vest?" after she rips open his shirt. Well, my guess is that it was too damned hot for him to be wearing a vest, or that he realized that the bullet-proof vest was a spurious, inconsistent device thought up by the writers to get Sydney out of yet another narratively inconsistent hole. Just a guess on my part, though.
Dixon's lips move, but his teeth are chattering. Sydney tells him he'll be okay. She whips out the biggest walkie-talkie I've ever seen. Alias mega-mix starts up.
Flashback. Vaughn hands Sydney said enormous walkie-talkie. It's a sat-com phone that lets her contact the CIA from anywhere. Sydney asks what happens when SD-6 finds out she's been using it. Vaughn tells her not to let that happen, but to take it, because she might need it. I'm going to give Vaughn the benefit of the doubt and assume he's doing something kinda non-regulation because he cares for her, but it seems a) stupid and b) (yes, this word again) completely inconsistent, because why would he just "happen" to give her this phone for this mission? And of course there's no explanation as to why she might need it on this particular trip, beyond the general danger she encounters on every trip.
Back to Argentina. Sydney uses the sat-com phone to call base ops. I've never had to recap a show that had so much technical and militaristic jargon. It's taxing, I tell ya. She's very upset. Dixon's conscious, and can hear her make the call. Sydney says "just hang in there" about six million times, and it's terribly unconvincing. If I were Dixon, I'd head for the light. Maybe he'll find better acting over there.
Back to L.A. It's post-Argentina. Sydney starts telling Vaughn the story in VO as it cuts back and forth from past to present. She tells us that the CIA came and air-lifted them out, but all she could think about was what Sloane would think, until she thought of a way out of it. She made a pre-emptive call to Sloane instead, and told him she dragged Dixon back to the humvee and drove him to the hospital. Yipes. Wouldn't Sloane be able to check the hospitals, and therefore her story? Whatever. Anyway, the CIA flew them back to Los Angeles, and they went to Angel of Mercy Hospital, which, unfortunately, is an SD-6 hospital.
Cut to the hospital. A doctor tells Sydney that Dixon's wife is waiting to talk to her, and Sloane wanted to check that she knows her cover story. She says she does, and then asks if Dixon's going to make it. The doctor says curtly that he doesn't know, and runs off.
Sydney tells Mrs. Dixon some story about a hold-up: that she and Dixon were standing outside when some men pulled up and demanded the computer codes in her briefcase. Dixon pushed her aside and took the bullet(s) instead. She concludes by saying, "You should've seen him. I didn't even know he'd been hit." Mrs. Dixon is teary-eyed. Sydney tells Mrs. D that he's going to make it.
Back to Vaughn. He says the same thing. They discuss how Dixon was conscious as Sydney was making the call on the sat-com, and how he repeated her code name ("freelancer") twice. Sydney suggests that Vaughn send some operatives to watch Dixon when he regains consciousness. Vaughn points out that it's an SD-6 hospital. Sydney has nothing to say. Vaughn has two and a half forehead wrinkles. He repeats that Dixon will make it.
Kettle Drums Of Doom. Sloane and Carl Dryer sit across from one another. Sloane does The Exposition Shuffle: Dryer's under pressure to expose the mole, but Sydney's test results are perfect. Dryer says the results are too perfect. He asks why Sloane is defending her. Sloane denies it, pointing out the results again. Dryer says that this is his specialty, and that Sydney's recent past record is filled with mistakes, and that Sloane needs to follow protocol for taking care of a mole, or Dryer will go to the Alliance. Sloane tells him "not to do a damn thing" -- he'll take care of Bristow.
Outdoor table, some café or restaurant. Francie, Will, and Sydney are chatting. Will asks if Dixon's going to be okay. Sydney says they don't know. Will tries to go over the story again. Francie snaps at him to leave Sydney alone. Will says he's asking because he cares. Francie snaps again, "Leave her alone, or I will kick your ass, I'm not kidding." Will has the sensitivity of a callus.
Some bank, being robbed. Masked men enter. Sloane's VO tells us that it looks like a normal bank robbery. Cut to The Spy Conference Room Of Non-Champions. Sloane tells us that two of the robbers hacked into the bank's mainframe and redirected funds while the others did the robbery, and that they work for Anini Hassan, all the way back from the second episode. Goddammit, Alias writers! Is this some kind of vendetta, making me scroll through all my past recaps looking for this dude? Argh. Sydney asks why Hassan would do that. Sloane tells us that the U.S. government froze Hassan's assets, and that he wanted to access his money. Also, that Hassan's been AWOL for the last two weeks, and they put up with him because they used to get good intell from him, but now he's a loose cannon. Except they don't say the words "loose cannon," but I wish they had; it would've made the scene about two minutes shorter. Jack enters. Sydney gives him a wary look. He says that Hassan needs to be brought to justice. Sloane says that Hassan can partner with a hostile country and provide them with all the arms they could want. For some reason, "Anthony Russet" (played by Miguel Sandoval) from Episode Four is in this episode, too.
Jack explains about some guy called "Logan Jurassey," and I have no idea how to spell it. Also, what a terrible name. It's straight out of a soap opera or a Harlequin Romance. Apparently he's Hassan's accountant, and throws big parties. Sydney's to go over there and crash a party somewhere in Italy, grab Hassan's offshore account number, and drop it off in Donati Park.
Will. Some other gadget inspector. He's filling the dude in on the entire history of Danny's murder/Eloise Kurtz's murder. Gadget Inspector 2 asks who killed her as he dismantles Eloise Kurtz's ugly brooch. This just gives Will an excuse to go on and on even more and fill us in on the last few episodes. GI2 stops and breathes, "Damn! This momma's gorgeous!" "This momma" is a transmitter, and it's on, so all of Will's babbling has been heard by some mysterious force. Da da da dum. Will asks who it is. GI2 obviously has no idea. Will…is retarded.
Sydney's Apartment. Francie tells Sydney that she should complain about her boss sending her off on another trip. Then she non-sequiturs and asks Sydney her opinion on a wedding dress. Sydney says they should go shopping for one. In the middle of their plans, the phone rings. It's Joey's Pizza.
Outdoor café. Vaughn. He tells her that SD-6 wants revenge on Hassan for something Sydney did. Remember Episode Three? Well, he wants revenge for that, since afterward he sold SD-6 some Stinger aircraft missiles, but just took the money and ran instead of delivering. The CIA wants to bring Hassan to justice, but SD-6 wants his cash to send a "don't fuck with daddy" message to everyone else they work with. But apparently they want SD-6 to have the money so they can track its progress. Vaughn notices the huge, plough-carved furrows in Sydney's forehead and asks what's wrong. Which cues another pointless flashback.
Sydney's getting briefed by Marshall. I'm in a horrible mood, because Marshall's little mannerisms and whatnot are just grating on my nerves. He hands her some device that "sucks" the information out of whatever computer it's placed on. Marshall offers her candy, since he's trying to make his place more homey. Then Marshall's face falls. Sydney turns. Sloane is behind her and asks to see her in his office. Her hair looks great in these scenes, by the way.
Sloane's office. He's reviewing Sydney's test results with her. What follows is a creepy monologue by Sloane about how he views her as a daughter, and how he doesn't blame her for hating him after what happened to Danny. There's also a bizarre close-up of Sloane pouring a glass of water. It's extremely creepy, and in the course of it we discover that Sloane and Sydney's dad have known each other since Langley -- since 1971, in fact -- and that he was at her parents' wedding. God. If this show rips off Star Wars, that's it. Sloane better not be related to her or have been "in love" with her mother, or the suck factor of this show is going to get so dangerously high that it may rip a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum itself and take us all with it. Anyway, Sloane says he wanted her to know all this before she went away.
Back to Vaughn and Sydney. Sydney murmurs that it was almost like he was saying goodbye. Vaughn tells her they'll be okay, and to contact him as soon as she gets back. She says she will. Vaughn says to contact him just to let him know she's all right, even without the account numbers.
Sloane's office. Big scary square-jawed agent. He's good-looking in the way that those scary Ken-doll type underwear models in a JC Penney's catalogue are good-looking. Which is to say, hardly. Sloane tells him to send a message to Spinelli's attention, and that they're sending it out via server five, and that they're ordering the assassination of Sydney Bristow when she makes her drop in Donati Park.
Tuscany -- wild Italian landscape of pointlessly convoluted and contrived entrances. Sydney, wearing a black jumpsuit and a cheap Cleopatra wig, parachutes in. Hard-driving guitar riffs play. It's Smashmouth or Crapbox or some other au courant alterna-band. She rips off the suit -- which actually turns out to be two pieces -- to reveal the skankiest outfit this side of a hooker convention. Basically, it's a sheer black lace slip, which is both backless and features a mock turtleneck, and over-the-knee black boots. It's so whorish that even Donatella Versace might blanch. Needless to say, the boots have four-inch stiletto heels. Also, all of Sydney's underwear is on display.
Sydney enters the party, which features a swanky pool and swanky staircases, and in general, this party drips swank. And skank. She eyes a guy chatting up two women.
Flashback. Marshall hands her a fake Nokia phone that hides a mechanism for scanning fingerprints off of surfaces and making a liquid latex version of said fingerprints -- but there's only enough latex for one.
Back to the party. The skanky dude leads both women upstairs (presumably to a bedroom) after depositing his brandy snifter on the table. Sydney walks over and scans it. She goes upstairs. At the end of the staircase, she sees a painting of a bride and whispers, "Dammit."
Cut to Francie, wearing a big white dress and veil, sitting in a boutique all alone. Around her are girlish giggles of glee as all the other brides-to-be -- and their friends -- whisper over possible choices.
Newsroom Of Dunderheads. Actually, Washroom Of Dunderheads. It's Will, crouched in a bathroom stall, whispering to the transmitter. He tells the transmitter EVERYTHING, and then tells the transmitter that he needs to talk to whoever it is, whether they killed Danny and Eloise or not. As Woody Allen would say, "Oh, for a large sock with horse manure in it." He whispers his cell phone number. Then he says, "Call me. Please. I need to talk to you."
The phone rings. Will starts. But it's just Francie, asking Will if he knows where Sydney is. He doesn't.
Back to Sydney, strutting down some palazzo hallway. She stops at a door and opens the back of the Nokia phone to don the latex fingerprint. After she gets past the electronic ID, she enters the office of Loden Jorgenmeister or whoever and places Marshall's scanning device, along with the piggyback CIA device, on his computer.
Los Angeles CIA office. Sean/Weiss enters and tells Vaughn that Sydney's been made, and that they're taking a hit out on her that night. There's some faux Curtis Mayfield playing in the background. Vaughn gets on the phone and tells someone that they need an extraction team in Italy pronto.
Tuscany. Sydney grabs the scanning device and takes off. She looks pleased with herself, but she turns a corner to run into a seedy-looking bodyguard. He yells at her. She says she doesn't speak Italian. She tells him she loves everything about the house, "except the spinning. Can you do something about the spinning?" She fakes being drunk to the point of puking and asks for the bathroom. The guard looks icked out and points the way. Jennifer Garner kind of has man hands.
CIA. Vaughn. His phone rings. It's Jack. Vaughn tells Jack what's going on, and that they're getting Sydney out of there. Jack tells him he could be making a mistake, and to do nothing until he hears from him.
SD-6. Jack bursts into Marshall's office. Marshall's grooving, headphones on, standing up at his computer. Jack says curtly that he sent a message to SD-4, but they never received it. Marshall asks timidly if he wants some candy. Jack says no. Marshall shows Jack a list of every outgoing message in the last 72 hours, except for server five. Jack asks to look at server five, and spots Sloane's message to Spinelli.
CIA control room. Vaughn, Greg/Weiss, and other flunkies are watching Donati Park from several angles. Jack enters the CIA offices. A bearded guy looks shocked. Jack demands to be taken to the field officer.
Jack bursts into the room and says, "Call them off." Vaughn sputters. Jack tells him that Sloane's setting him up; the message was sent specifically so Vaughn would read it, and if they pull her out, it'll prove that Sydney's a double agent. The conversation actually goes on for much longer than that, and there's much crashing of minor chords. Vaughn tries to get authoritative about how they're playing with Sydney's life. Shut up, Vaughn. He's such a whiny little bitch. Jack yells that he's bluffing.
The rhythmic minor chords of "suspense." The CIA watches as Sydney walks through Donati Park. There are lots of fast camera pans and various agents looking alert throughout the park, and I wish that I were at all on edge or tenterhooks or some other metaphorically sharp object, but I'm not. We know she's going to live -- the show is based on her, for chrissakes, and it's not done well enough to put me on the edge of my seat. There's confusion and shouting in the CIA control room, and Greg/Weiss shouts, "What are we doing here?" They watch the screens -- as does Sloane, in his office -- as Sydney passes by a possible assassin. Except of course he's not.
Sydney makes her drop. Everything's cool. Jack blinks, then looks at Vaughn. In his lonely office, Sloane looks twinkly and relieved. Greg/Weiss says, "I just lost thirty pounds. And I'm not kidding."
Sydney's Apartment Of Freeloaders. So, what's the deal with Francie and Charlie? Did she just never move back into their apartment, even now that they're engaged? I think that's weird. She and Will are watching His Girl Friday. Will says it's the best movie ever. Francie points out that his choice excludes moves like The Godfather, On the Waterfront, Raging Bull, and Citizen Kane. All great movies, true, but even Will is allowed to have a movie that he thinks is the best that's not necessarily the best from some empirical point of view. Besides, His Girl Friday rocks. Cary Grant, Rosalind Russell, and a Ben Hecht screenplay -- you really can't go wrong. Will laughs and says that His Girl Friday made him want to be a reporter, that all the repartee made it look fun, but in reality, being a reporter is a pain in the ass. Will's gotten his hair trimmed. And thank God.
Francie asks what's up. Will scratches his chin pubes and sits by Francie. He then whips out the transmitter/brooch -- which is still live, by the way, and would someone please kill Will now? He so deserves it. He starts shouting drunkenly at the bug that they can go to hell, after telling Francie that he can't figure out all the loose threads of the story he's working on. Francie picks up the bug and drunkenly asks it if she'll find a good wedding dress. Will points out that it's not a Magic 8-Ball. Will tells Francie to tell it to stop torturing him. She starts yelling into the transmitter. My God. This scene is so annoying. The only thing more annoying would be babysitting my thirteen-year-old cousin and her friends as they watch an *NSync concert.
Will's phone rings. A computer-altered voice tells Will to stop talking about the bug, and to tell the person he's with that the call was a wrong number. Okay: Will is a moron and should be put down like a lame horse. What kind of legitimate reporter would take out a LIVE BUG and show it to his friend, thereby endangering his friend and exposing whoever it was on the other line to more about his life? Will, I'm firmly convinced, is some kind of horrible test-tube baby experiment gone wrong. I mean, just look at his hair. Also, he needs to step back on the monorail and get the fuck out of Fantasyland pronto if he really thinks these tactics are gonna work.
Francie asks who it was. Will says numbly that it was a wrong number, after removing the brooch from her hands.
SD-6. Dryer whispers at Sloane that Sloane was playing games, sending the message out on server five. Dryer points out that if Sydney had been a mole, she'd have been saved by her own people, and Sloane, in effect, would have let her go. He asks what Sloane is protecting. Sloane suggests strongly that Dryer find the actual mole and stop questioning him.
Sydney's Apartment Of Constant Cleanliness. The Bubble Bath Of Sorrow. There's a knock at the door. Francie enters, wearing her catering uniform. Sydney starts apologizing for missing their wedding-dress-shopping appointment. Francie apologizes for making Sydney shop for a wedding dress that she could've/should've/would've had herself. Except it goes on much longer than that, but that's the gist. Sydney hops out of the bathtub and tells Francie that missing the appointment was only because of work, and not because of residual Danny issues, and that she wants to go week. Francie agrees, and asks about Dixon.
Newsroom Of Morons. Will's desk. It's the computer-altered voice of the bogeyman. It tells him to go to the corner of Seventh and Spring.
SD-6. Sloane tells Sydney that Hassan's bank account info wasn't actually in the hard drive, and that they're in a safety deposit box in a bank in Switzerland, and that she leaves tonight. He pauses by Sydney, places a hand on her shoulder, and says quietly, "You did a great job in Tuscany." Cree-py! Anthony Russet looks at her, narrow-eyed. Sydney is spooked.
Warehouse. Vaughn. He fills her in on the last two scenes: how Sydney was in danger, blah blah blah espionage-cakes. Christ -- why do they recap the scenes we just saw? Are you trying to put me out of a job, people? Sydney asks Vaughn how they knew not to step in. Vaughn admits that it was her dad. Sydney mutters that it's going to take forever to take them down. Duh. We've been hearing that from the beginning. Vaughn says that they have a doodad that might help. He hands her a transmitter that will enable them to hear every move she makes in Switzerland. And they'll track every move SD-6 makes with the money. He says he knows it's not much. She says that every little bit helps.
Seventh and Spring. Will stands near a payphone. It rings. The bogeyman asks how far he's willing to go to find out about Kate Jones, and is he ready. The voice says it needs to hear the words "I'm ready." What is this, a KISS concert? Will asks if his life will be in danger. Well, gee -- they've already killed two people, but I'm sure they have amnesty for retarded reporters with terrible hair. He says he's ready. The bogeyman hangs up. So does Will.
Geneva. Big, Swiss bank. It's very clean. Sydney enters, looking very forties with a chignon and Dior rip-off suit. She asks a clerk for Mr. Franco. Sydney, posing as Christiana Stevens, asks for a tour of the facility for her clients, who are thinking of storing diamonds. Man, this bank is swanky as all get out. They walk through the vaults, and Mr. Franco drones on. Sydney asks a question and takes out an atomizer. She sprays Mr. Franco, who passes out. The Alias mega-mix starts, and Anthony Russet on the other end of her two-way wrist transmitter gets the instructions for which box to raid.
Back at the front desk, the clerk Sydney talked to asks a guard to fetch Mr. Franco. Or I assume she does, because she speaks in extremely rapid French of which I barely have an understanding, but the guard she telephones gets up and starts walking toward the vault.
Sydney starts reading the bank account numbers. Vaughn and the CIA transcribe them, along with Miguel Sandoval. Vaughn hands the numbers to Greg/Weiss. Sydney tries to jam the security deposit box back in its slot, but it sticks with a few inches hanging out. MS asks if she's got everything under control. She says not just yet as the guard rounds the corner. She finds Mr. Franco collapsed and Sydney bending over him. Sydney says helplessly that he fainted, and she'll go get an ambulance. She calmly exits.
Los Angeles. Will. Dark street. He's walking as he's reading. Hey, I do that! He walks over to his car to find the words "glove box" written in the dust on his window. He gets inside, and finds an envelope with a mini-tape inside. He listens to it. There's some muffled, scratchy words, and on my VCR, it recorded it as being played at high speed, so I can't understand a thing it says, but then there are gunshots, so I'm assuming it's Eloise Kurtz or Danny-related.
SD-6. Marshall looks worried as he hands over a document to Dryer and tells him that while Sydney was in the bank vault, there was an additional transmission that was a signal for intelligence. He mumbles that Dryer told him to alert him on anything unusual. Marshall's face falls as he says, "I didn't just get someone in trouble, did I?" Marshall as the narc -- who'd have guessed?
Carl Dryer walks in snaky slo-mo like a blight and hands more docs to Sloane. Sloane looks sad, but resigned. He nods slowly.
Sydney's apartment. Her phone rings. Sydney wakes up. Strings play. It's Dixon's wife -- Dixon's awake. Cut to the hospital. Sydney walks down the hall with Mrs. Dixon. They pass Sloane, whose eyes flicker but who otherwise doesn't acknowledge Sydney in any way. Sydney turns to look at him, but she has to keep up with Mrs. D.
Sydney enters Dixon's hospital room. He smiles wanly. She says hello. They exchange affectionate words. Sydney starts to cry, but turns it into a smile. Sydney asks if he remembers what happened. Dixon says the last thing he remembers is trying to link to the satellite, and her smile. Sydney laughs.
Cut to Sydney exiting the hospital into the parking garage. She heads for her car, only to get cut off by a large, shiny American motorcar. She sees various men in various suits surrounding her. She runs for it, but then gets hit by a shiny blue car coming from another direction. All eighteen thousand of the men run over and hold her down as they shoot her with a tranquilizer gun and then load her into a car. Everyone piles into their shiny American motorcars, and they zoom off.
SD-6. Sloane's office. His phone rings. He picks up. A voice says, "We got her," and hangs up. Sloane looks sick and tired. Sloane and I have something in common.
week: Will utters the words "SD-6," Sydney goes blonde and wears a bikini, and apparently if we think we know what's going to happen , we should think again.