Previously: Sydney kisses Will. Francie thinks Charlie is cheating on her. Sydney meets an old enemy, Ana Espinosa. They're both in pursuit of some code written by some fifteenth-century genius.
Berlin. Football stadium. Lockbox. Ana and Sydney stare in horror as some sort of acid is triggered and starts eating away a piece of paper with various 1s and 0s written on it. It looks like someone from Mrs. Peterson's second-grade class wrote it on cheap Mead construction paper. Did the art department get no money? Couldn't this have been on some kind of parchment and written in an Italianate hand? The women stare at each other and then rush to memorize the code. This is just so thrilling, watching people mutter to themselves as they try to memorize something. I could get the same excitement from visiting a GRE study group and watching as they riffle through flashcards.
Acid. Paper dissolves. Sydney and Ana stare at each other. "Didja get it?" Sydney says. "Did you?" Ana says. Wow, it IS just like a GRE study group. They turn and run in opposite directions. Okay, I changed my mind: Sydney does run funny. In fact, as a dedicated non-runner myself, I can safely say that she runs like someone who hates running. She shouts the code to Vaughn back in LA as she runs. How can she be sure no one from SD-6 isn't nearby? She tells Vaughn she's giving SD-6 the wrong number. Vaughn tells her it's critical she give them the right code, and "that's an order." Sydney tells him they're having a talk when she gets back. Cut back and forth between K-Directorate and SD-6 vans as both spies spout off the code.
Los Angeles. Shores of Lake Overlap. Sydney and Vaughn warble a few bars of that old-time favorite, "You're Not The Boss Of Me." Vaughn points out that if she'd given SD-6 the wrong code, they'd know something was up. Like, duh. And didn't Sydney make this same point in the second episode when she called Marshall to help her disarm the nuke and Vaughn got all pissy about it? Did the continuity guys get fired or something? Sean/Weiss looks incredibly uncomfortable, like he's watching his friend's parents fight.
Welcome to Nonsensical Segues, Population: 1. Sydney mutters that she realized in Berlin that Ana hates SD-6 as much as she does. Vaughn points out the only thing worse than SD-6 having critical information is K-Directorate getting it first, and that Ana is still her enemy.
Credit Dauphine. Sloane fills in some portly dude, who is usually stereotyped as a Hispanic Mafia boss, on Rambaldi. ["Aw, Miguel Sandoval. I love him; he pops up in primetime a lot these days." -- Sars] Rambaldi apparently has grown from being just Da Vinci into Da Vinci + Miss Cleo: his sketches contain schematics and ID numbers for parts of machines just now being developed. Sloane says that the Mueller Project, based on these sketches, could be a transportation mechanism, a weapon, or a fuel source, but that it's beyond anything anyone's seen. Sounds like Ginger. Remember all the hoo-hah about that? Yeah, me neither. Uh oh. Yet another nonsensical segue as Sloane asks, "How's your wife?" Ron Rifkin is so menacing that I expected his line to be, "I guess you'll never know since I had her killed," but the Portly Dude says she's good and asks how Sloane's wife is. Apparently she's under the weather. Probably because Sloane had her killed.
Conference Room. Sloane introduces the portly dude, "Anthony Russet," to Sydney. Turns out they misinterpreted the code and sent a team to Athens by mistake, where they found nothing. Instead, Sydney has to go to Malaga, Spain, to look for "el sol d'oro," the golden sun.
Spain. Church. Steeple. Where are the people? Conveniently, not at the church. Sydney enters, wearing an ungodly amount of eye make-up and a year's supply of straightening hair balm. How come she wears make-up to go spying, even when she's not at a party? She spots a golden sun in a stained glass window and detaches the small disk. This is just like the third installment of the Indiana Jones series, where Indy has to go to Venice and find clues in an old church. Man. How hot was Harrison Ford? Now he looks all wrinkly, like a human raisin, although nowhere near as wrinkly as Robert Redford, who my best friend calls Foreskin Face.
Uh oh. Here's Ana, who's got a chokehold on Sydney. They fight. Many blows are exchanged, and some gunshots, too. Ana circles Sydney with the gun and picks up the disk. They fight some more, destroying a few church artifacts in the process. They fight over an altar full of lit candles. Sydney gets the piece back. How many times have we seen this "fighting in/desecration of a holy place" scene? Oh, right -- maybe in EVERY JOHN WOO movie ever made. Sydney handcuffs Ana to the altar and walks away with the disk.
Los Angeles. Sydney's Apartment Of Awkward Confessions. Francie's staying at her place. She hasn't talked to Charlie yet. Sydney urges her to ask him what's going on. Francie says, "Have you ever spied on anyone?" Sydney looks up, afraid of what Francie might say , but Francie interprets her expression as one of shock. She says she knows it's beneath her, but she's asked him what's wrong, and he always says everything is fine. Francie has this Valley Girl inflection to all her lines that makes me want to hire her a speech coach. Francie says that Charlie has a law review meeting tonight, and she wants to follow him. Sydney points out that spying on your boyfriend generally sets a bad relationship precedent. Good point, that. Francie says, "What if he's cheating on you?"
Sydney and Francie sitting in her Pathfinder, spying on Charlie. Wasn't this also a Felicity plotline back in season two or so? When Elena's bug-eyed alien boyfriend was cheating on her? Except back then, I think I cared. Francie is eating candy like they're at the movies. Sydney confesses that she kissed Will. Francie tells her to leave "that" alone. Just then, they see Charlie. Francie tells her to start the car. Sydney tells her that you always wait until they're at least a block away. Francie thinks it's weird Sydney knows that. Sydney says everyone knows that. Francie says she didn't know that. I agree with Francie -- I don't think everyone would know that. Charlie pulls a duffel bag out of his car trunk and goes to hug/kiss a blonde woman getting out of another car. Francie looks heartbroken. She and Sydney both look sick.
Newsroom. Will and his assistant Jennie. Since when do news reporters even get assistants? Last I heard, reporters had to pretty much bring in their own pens. Will is researching Danny's murder, still. Sydney calls. They discuss the residual weirdness of the kiss. She asks Will to check in on Francie, who's staying at her place due to the whole Charlie mess, since Sydney has to take a trip that week. Call ends. Jennie points out that Will sounds different when he talks to Sydney. He says, "Don't analyze me." He sends her off on some other errand. She tells him to say, "Please." He does, but then points out that "please" is implicit. I dunno about that.
SD-6. Spy Daddy walks by, looking incredibly morose. Sydney runs after him. Turns out he's going in for a routine psych evaluation. Sydney tells him his plan in Berlin was a smart one. All this is just some blah dee blah so that Sydney can ask her dad if he wants to have dinner with her on Thursday. Spy Daddy is nonplussed, and obviously too flustered to think of a way to weasel out of it.
Conference Room. Sloane tells them that the disk Sydney retrieved is made of synthetic polymers, although it was made at least 500 years before there were synthetic polymers. What. EVER. I feel like the screenwriters flip randomly through old issues of Choose Your Own Adventure when looking for new plotlines. Plus, I suspect that they all have ADD.
They move on to Sydney's new mission, which makes zero sense to me except to rack up some more frequent-flier miles for Sydney and Dixon. Actually, they're traveling under fake names all the time, so they don't even GET those miles, which doubly sucks. There's a WTO -- oops, I mean a "United Commerce Organization" meeting in Sao Paolo, and some baddies, including some guy named Jacqueneau (that's what it sounds like) are meeting in Morocco to disrupt the meetings. The gist of it is that Sydney (as "Kate Jones") and Dixon (whose fake name I'm not recording, since he hardly ever gets to do anything except stay behind the scenes) are to go in and try to ID Jacqueneau's client, and thus prevent them from disrupting the meeting. Sydney's excited because she gets to meet up with her friend Machtar, an Egyptian commando, again.
Sloane turns it over to Marshall, who's bouncing in his seat from suppressed excitement. He's designed a special purse with a parabolic microphone, although unfortunately the purse is decorated with some hideous pukka shells. Marshall demonstrates how the microphone can filter out all kinds of wind, and starts to mimic the types of wind it can withstand. I love how Marshall is geekily, unrestrainedly passionate about his work. Sydney tries not to laugh. Russet looks all, "Who the hell is this guy, and why haven't you filled his Ritalin prescription yet?"
Spy Daddy. Psych evaluation. He's got those biomonitor pads stuck all over his face. He's going down an escalator. It's in black-and-white, so you know it's, like, his mind's eye. He visualizes his wife holding a baby Sydney in her arms, only to have it turn into Sydney holding a baby. Two words: Creep. Y. Dream Sydney tells him that it's only a matter of time before she finds out the truth. Spy Daddy starts. He pulls the pads off and mutters that he needs a minute. He's distraught, which means he looks nauseous.
At The Car Wash. There's a viewing window where Sydney is standing, watching the cars get washed. This seems weird, but I don't know. I haven't owned a car in years, but last time I had a car to get washed, I sent the car in and stood outside and smoked two cigarettes. Ahhh…cigarettes. Vaughn walks up. He looks rumpled. Turns out the CIA have been following Jacqueneau as well, but they don't know why SD-6 is so interested in the UCO. Sydney asks Vaughn if he's okay. He says yes. She asks if he had a fight with his wife. He's all, why the hell do you think I'm married? She all, I saw the photo of you and some woman in your office. He's all, we're are SO not married. She's all, whatever. He's all, this whole time you thought I was married? He admits that he and the girlfriend had a huge fight. Many significant glances are exchanged. Oh, for Christ's sake -- just do it already.
Morocco. Machtar greets Sydney and Dixon. Machtar is very smiley and nice, so we know he's doomed. He tells them that they still don't know the client, and that they'll set up at the local marketplace to spy on them.
Inside the kasbah. Sydney talks to Francie as she puts on her disguise. The disguise consists of a reddish wig with pigtails, tinted glasses, a crocheted green sweater, and a matching green do-rag. She looks like a non-sexy leprechaun. Wouldn't it make more sense for her to be dressed as a nondescript college student/tourist, in which case she'd be wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and a baseball hat? Or even a nice burnoose-y type thing, like she wore in Egypt, so no one could see her face? Also, what's with the call to Francie? Once again, did she call Francie, or did Francie call her -- and how is that possible? Would the CIA even allow her to make personal calls on her phone? Also, we've seen her answer that phone while she's at SD-6. Look -- I'm a huge fan of non-reality entertainment. Escapism? Love it. But why set up this whole "she's a secret agent and can tell no one!" scenario and then drop her in all these situations where you can't figure out how she would even manage to hide her secret life and it's totally jarring to the story, not to mention the eye-rolling has caused me to lodge a contact lens in my cerebellum. When a show can't even bother to try to create any kind of coherent structure or a set of narrative rules for itself, I get angry. And when I get angry, potato chips get eaten, dammit.
Dixon and the gang tell her the baddies have walked in. Sydney sing-songs, "I'm goin' shoppin!" Dixon tells her to bring them back something. Turning from girly to bad-ass in the blink of an eye, she mutters, "That's the plan."
The Techno Of International Tension plays. Sydney browses some stalls. Some guy tries to sell her something, and wonder of wonders, she asks him questions in English. I guess she figures her kelly-green crocheted ensemble makes her stand out enough, never mind command of an Arabic-French patois. Sydney spies on the baddies as they talk about "phase three" and "Patel" being the deliveryman. Just then, a bodyguard spots Sydney. She realizes she knows him "from Corsica, two years ago. He broke my arm." Dixon eyes him with a camera, and starts as he realizes that the bodyguard's spotted them. Dixon and the gang start to break camp. The bodyguard mutters something into a wrist transmitter and starts to follow Sydney.
Sydney beats it down the kasbah. She asks Dixon what's happening. He tells her to run. The bodyguard catches up with Sydney. He's learned English via Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, because his delivery is exactly the same as Ah-nuld's, but with a different accent. He tells Sydney he knows her. Sydney tries to play it off. He says she remembers him, too, and tosses her inside some carpet dealer's store. Apparently, the owner of the store is gone. Sydney's still trying to pretend she doesn't know him. Ah-nuld 2 says he's going to do more than break her arm. They fight. She kicks his ass. He passes out. A tourist couple enters and sees him spread-eagled on the floor with Sydney standing over him. Sydney: "He wanted to charge me fifty dollars. Too much." The couple backs out of the store.
Dixon and the gang are cleaning up when he hears two shots in the distance. Sydney races up a flight of stairs, shouting for Dixon, and finds Machtar, dead. She turns a corner and finds Dixon and the gang beset by a pack o' baddies. Baddies are dispatched right quick. Sydney grabs some bags, and returns to Machtar's body and touches his head gently. Her hand is bloody after she removes it. Dixon walks up and reminds her, "We have to go."
Los Angeles. Sydney's Apartment Of Unspoken Secrets. Her apartment is beautiful. I realize that the older I get, the more real estate becomes my new pornography. Where? How much? Will someone catch me staring at it? Francie asks Sydney how her trip was. Sydney says it was awful, then changes the topic to Charlie. Francie says she's meeting him for coffee, and that if he doesn't have an explanation, it's over. Will appears and says that Francie is on a rampage, and that he had to force her to call him. Francie and Sydney hug for a long time before Francie leaves. It's clear that Francie thinks Sydney is prolonging the hug to give Francie emotional support, while it's clear from Sydney's face that Sydney is on the verge of a breakdown and wants to hold onto something solid. Francie says, "Love you," and Sydney mouths it back at her. No one loves Will.
Truer words never were spoke. Will carries Sydney's bag into the living room and starts talking about the kiss. He says he's figured out why it was so weird, since you hardly ever kiss someone who's that close to you. Sydney looks over and realizes that he's nervously flipping her luggage tag in his hands, which reads, "Kate Jones." She walks over and, on the pretext of sitting to him, takes the case out of his hands. Will says he's figured out a way for it not to be so awkward, and lays his lips on her. They kiss. It falls flat. Will feels like a schmuck. Oh, poor Will. Poor Sydney. We've all been there. Sydney announces she has to go have dinner with her father.
Sydney. Restaurant. Spy Daddy hasn't shown.
Francie. Charlie. Coffee. Francie tells Charlie she saw him with "Rachel." Charlie tries to get all indignant about her spying on him. Francie sticks to her guns and says that she doesn't have anything to answer for, that he does. Charlie tries to play the "I trust YOU" card and Francie snaps back, "I give you reason to!" Charlie says he's not playing around, that they're just hanging out. Francie says fine, he can go "hang out" with Rachel then. Yeah -- that explanation pretty much blew.
Sydney. Restaurant. Spy Daddy is not going to show. The wailing of a scarf-wearing ovary (tm Sars) signals that this is A Poignant Moment. I think it's Sarah McLachlan or some other ovulation-inducing, Lilith-Fair-attending singer. Annoying Nokia ring. It's Spy Daddy making his excuses -- "work." Camera pans out to Spy Daddy sitting in his car just outside the restaurant.
Pier. Sydney, crying, saying that she's sorry, but she didn't know who else to call. Ohmigod -- it's Vaughn! Whoa, I really wasn't expecting that. Although it does make sense, because who else can she call? At this point, she must be sick of telling everyone half-truths, and he's the one person who knows everything. She cries about how Spy Daddy stood her up, and she knows he just lied because he didn't want to have dinner with her, and Machtar's death makes her feel like she's losing her mind, and she can't stand that a good man died thinking he was working for the good guys. Jennifer Garner sounds like she's really crying here, not that pretty-pretty-fakey crying some actors do. It's snotty-sounding, it's slobbery, and it's messy. Her beeper goes off, and she tosses it in the ocean. Vaughn points that out. She half-laughs, half-sobs. Vaughn wrinkles his pretty, pretty forehead and tosses her some pretty, pretty words of comfort. To wit: He's got his eye on her. Don't let the anger taint her. And she can count on him. Wow, what a great speech. If by "great speech" you mean "disjointed and nonsensical speech." She grabs his hand. They stand that way, holding hands from about four feet apart.
SD-6. Sloane tells Spies Like Us about the info Sydney and Dixon gathered in Morocco: Jacqueneau was meeting with demolition expert Malik Suari. Doesn't that sound suspiciously close to Mena Suvari? It turns out that Patel, "the winner of the Edgar Peace Prize" and former president of the Southern Hemisphere Human Rights Organization, is inadvertently working with Jacqueneau. Jacqueneau is using Patel to send a message to the UCO that the UCO needs to be abolished, since Jacqueneau is apparently a huge fan of irony. Sydney expositions that Jacqueneau is going to plant an explosive on Patel. Sloane says that indeedy he is, and that their job is to disarm the explosive and safeguard the UCO and Patel.
Sao Paolo. Men in dark eveningwear and women in very bright eveningwear stroll by. Sydney, hair teased, sporting a year's supply of bronzer and an outfit ripped off from Charo, works the room. She's wearing a hideous beaded gold tank top and gold leather pants, people. Gold. Leather. Pants. Well, when Sydney retires from secret agent-ing, at least she'll have the Miami Beach wardrobe all ready.
Los Angeles. Will, researching Daniel's death. He's on the phone. He says, "Daniel wasn't traveling alone?"
Camera swish-pans back to Sydney in Sao Paolo. Patel drinks something and passes out. Dixon tells Sydney to get the glass. She does, and passes it off to Dixon. Mena Suvari watches them from the shadows. In the hall, Dixon adds some powder to the remainder of Patel's drink and tells Sydney that they've drugged him with some designer sedative. Dixon stays behind to follow Mena Suvari while Sydney follows Patel, who's being loaded into a van.
Los Angeles. Newsroom. Will tries to get the name of the woman who was traveling with Daniel. His contact refuses. Will offers up a date with Jennie as incentive. Jennie just keeps saying, "No, no, no!" instead of walking away and filing a sexual harassment suit. He hands the phone to Jennie. Jennie says she'd love to go out with him. Her face falls flatter than a failed souffle as she hands it back to Will. The contact tells Will that Daniel was booked to fly out with "Kate Jones." That Will! What a character! His complete disregard for the feelings of his assistant, and his willingness to treat women like cattle in his pursuit of a good story, just endear him to me even further! What dedication! He's the Woodward AND Bernstein!
Sao Paolo. Where the streets have no name. Sydney, avec motorcycle, follows Patel in his VW van. She watches as the baddies take him to some warehouse-y type location. She follows. Those pants are doing her no favors. Yech. Cut between a makeshift operating room and Sydney scaling and climbing various things to get to a good vantage point. There are many, many graphic and ooky close-ups of the doctor's cutting into Patel's chest. They are not, however, as grody as Sydney's gold leather pants.
Sydney whips out a gold swizzle stick that turns out to be a telescope. She watches as Mena Suvari and Jacqueneau supervise the planting of a chip that apparently contains "the equivalent of 300 pounds of TNT" into Patel's body. week: More Choose Your Own Adventures.