Previously: Sydney's voice-over tells us that she works for SD-6, a covert branch of what she was told was the CIA. She was trained as a spy, and "I thought I was working for the good guys," until she told her fianc about SD-6, and they had him killed. There's a montage. Several scenes are from last week's episode, but there are tons of clips from the upcoming show and other episodes that we haven't seen yet. Right now I am prayin' to St. Clare that they are not going to show this long-ass, boring "previously" before every show, because I don't think I can take it. Oh yeah, and by the way? SD-6 is part of the enemy that Sydney thought she was fighting! And the only other double-agent at SD-6 is her dad! And now...she's a double-agent working with the real CIA to bring them down! (Cue "Oriental" gong noise.) Also, Jennifer Garner's voice sounds flatter than Nicky Hilton's chest.
The Heartbeat Of A Secret Agent, brought to you by Generic Techno Music. Sydney runs down a hall wearing all black and a long black wig. Okay -- I know that television is all about pretty, pretty people doing pretty, pretty things, but wouldn't someone who does as much rough-and-tumble stuff as Sydney does have to have shorter hair? I mean, considering all the wigs she wears, not to mention the running, the jumping, and the bad-guy grappling, it would seem ridiculous to have to hassle with long hair. Anyway, the scene starts in slo-mo and then speeds up. Two guys are chasing her in a hotel. They shout in what sounds like an Eastern European language, but apparently she's in Paris.
They chase Sydney into an elevator and start shooting. The doors close and it starts rising; Sydney climbs out the top as the bad guys race up the stairs. How do the bad guys know where it's going to stop? Sydney loads a gun. This scene looks fake. You can almost see the green screen behind Jennifer Garner. More hallway-running, chasing, chance encounter, fighting. Sydney runs out into the street, and a limo pulls up beside her. The Eiffel Tower is in the background. She gets in and tosses a white plastic box to a sleazy older-looking gentleman sitting opposite her.
The Disjointed Narrative Of Pointlessness. We're back in the CIA, and Sydney is telling Vaughn the story we just saw. She tells him, in her flat, bizarre, dead-sounding voice, that that was three years ago, and the man in the car was Leonard Dreyfuss, who bankrolls SD-6 operations. She says he's "hands-on," not just in his business, but that he's also a slime otherwise. She tells him that Sloane relies on him and he has crews everywhere, including Memphis, Egypt.
Cut to Memphis, Egypt. Sydney's VO (I'm just stealing Sars's technique and calling it SVO from now on) tells us that she knows she's been with the CIA only a short time, but the key to taking SD-6 out is to eliminate their source of arms, and that Hassan is the dude to watch. We get some fast-motion footage of Egypt and a hallway filled with Egyptians.
“ Jennifer Garner puts on a look of concentration that's as phony as a three-dollar bill. It looks like a Baywatch look of concentration -- you know, look like you're thinking, but don't deflate your Botox injection. ”
Sydney and Dixon sit at a table with Hassan and his Expendable Henchman. He starts showing them guns, then introduces the latest model, a sleek little handgun, named after Hassan's son. Aw, how sweet! In a freaky, horrible way. Unfortunately, every time he loads a clip, it falls out. Bwah! He and the Expendable Henchman start fighting about the shoddy gun quality and Hassan shoots him. Sydney says something in Arabic or an Egyptian dialect that serves absolutely zero purpose, except to prove that she has a frequent-buyer card at her local Berlitz, since everyone ignores her. Hassan turns and apologizes to Sydney and Dixon for the incident. He has a little smear of blood on his cheek, which somehow makes this scene super-creepy.
Home Of The Jarring, Pointless Cuts. Sydney tells Vaughn that that was six months ago, and that "I have friends from the Middle East. Hassan's not one of them." Excuse me as I regress and say no shit, Sherlock. Whuh? Why would she specify that Hassan's not her friend? God. If only I hadn't just insured it, I would bang my head against the computer. Vaughn tries to stop her and tell her that her work at SD-6 has to be business as usual, but Sydney's all fired up and starts telling him about other branches of SD-6. Sydney gets frustrated and says, "I'm giving you the plan." Vaughn tells her, "It's not your job to give me the plan. I'm giving you the plan." He starts telling her the details of how they'll contact one another, and Jennifer Garner puts on a look of concentration that's as phony as a three-dollar bill. It looks like a Baywatch look of concentration -- you know, look like you're thinking, but don't deflate your Botox injection.
The contact plan involves phone messages, trashcans, and dropping off paper bags with her reports written on them. Vaughn asks her if there are any questions. Sydney puts on her sassy pants and tells him, "Yeah, could you show me what a bag looks like again?" Then she tells him that she knows what his job is, which is to establish procedure, but she's not here to learn Langley procedure; she's in this mission for two months only, and if the CIA wants to bring down SD-6, they have to listen to her, because she knows what the plan is, and then she's out of this spy-game crap. Out of it, do you hear her? DO YOU HEAR HER? As God is her witness, she'll never go spying again!
Anyway, more let's-violate-the-first-rule-of-screenwriting-or-any-narrative-writing-period dialogue. Sydney tells Vaughn that if he listens to her, she will hand him the people who, in record time, will bring SD-6 down. Vaughn hands her a pad of paper and tells her to draw him a map of SD-6, their allies, and how far it reaches. Sydney reaches really far into her bag of Snip and yells at him, "Do I look like I'm in junior high?" Vaughn yells at her to do it while Sydney yammers on and on and ON AND ON about how she's doesn't have braces and headgear. Sure wish she had a muzzle, though.
“ I think the whole point of this scene is to make Sydney out to be a take-no-prisoners tough mamacita, but considering what an incompetent boob she came across as in the first episode, it's not working. ”
Sydney does it. Vaughn looks like he needs a drink, or possibly a Lithium. Sydney's map fits on a sheet of 8 1/2 by 11 paper. Then she accuses Vaughn of having a problem with her because she's a woman, or of not liking her attitude. No way! Not liking her attitude! The hell you say!
Okay, that's it. It's only been four minutes into this episode and I'm having so many issues with this show, it's turning into a subscription (tm Will from Big Brother 2). And I'm a feminist (albeit the kind of feminist who thinks both women and men should shave their armpits. I know, it's weird, but I think the war with body hair is one that both genders need to engage in; really, it would bring us closer together), but if there's one thing that bugs me, it's random accusations of sexism when there's no real evidence of it, which I think completely, you know, set back The Cause, and it ESPECIALLY bugs me when it's used as a pointless throwaway in this show since we've seen zero evidence of Vaughn being a sexist pig, and in fact he's actually been fairly decent to her thus far. If anything, Vaughn seems very SNAG-y (Sensitive New-Age Guy) to me.
Sydney then brings the Snip even further and tells him that there's only one way they're going to immobilize SD-6, and that's her way, and to forgive her for being forthright or, you know, female, but that's how it's going to be. Vaughn, to his credit, does not point and do a Nelson laugh at her, but he does, gently, lay down the pimp hand and brings out an enormous roll of butcher paper that's the real scope of SD-6; needless to say, it's big. Really, really big. The camera pans over it lovingly. He tells her that since he's been in the CIA, he's only seen that map grow, and that they could've raided the Los Angeles cell years ago, but they want to bring down the whole beast. He tells her that it's complicated, political, and long-term. He tells her to memorize the code. Sydney snips, "I did."
So, thus far, we've seen that Sydney's kind of an incompetent doof of an agent; assumes way too much when she doesn't have the knowledge to back it up; and ignores the freakin' evidence in front of her eyes, i.e. if her dad's been a double-agent for his (we can assume) ENTIRE life, how the hell does she think she can bring down SD-6 in two months? Are we supposed to like her? I think the whole point of this scene is to make Sydney out to be a take-no-prisoners tough mamacita, but considering what an incompetent boob she came across as in the first episode, it's not working.
She gets ready to leave. Vaughn tells her to wait, then puts a happy-face smiley sticker on her arm. Is this some kind of weird CIA incentive program? Surely the government can afford better!
Oh. It's a Blood Drive wagon. You can tell this was filmed months ago, because if that were today, there might actually be people trying to get in the door to donate blood. Also, I'm going to PSA: hospitals need blood all the time, so please, even if you already donated (thank you) please remember that they will need donations again very soon. ["You can donate every sixty days." -- Sars]
“ Spy Daddy tells her, 'You're going to Cairo. Devlin told me.' For some reason, the way he says that makes me believe that Spy Daddy is going to turn out to be Devlin. Just a totally unfounded hunch, but if I'm right, well...I guess I get the joy of being right. Which really does keep you warm at night, I don't care what anyone says. ”
Then -- oh God, where's my Maalox? -- Sydney runs over to the shed, kicks down the door, and the shots we see are of Sydney getting near the coffin.. Apparently Sydney, with an enormous shovel, bare-handed, dug up several pounds of dirt. Now. As someone with a hearty peasant background who has done her share of yard work, can I say that there's NO WAY you could dig up that much dirt and not scrape your hands raw on a shovel? And that it would take a good long time to dig up a grave? Oh yeah, and that it's broad frickin' daylight when she's doing all this? Hi, Plot -- I'd like you to meet Plausibility. Oh, that's right, you two are in the middle of a bitter divorce.
Sydney finds the coffin and opens it. And...GUESS WHAT? There's a nuke inside, and she's just activated it. Umm. Why would the nuke activate just on opening? Why, why, why, why, WHY, WHY, WHY?? I'm finding the concept of anti-cellulite cream more believable than this episode.
Christ. Anyways, two minutes until detonation. Sydney calls Marshall and screams out all the types of wires she's seeing. She does a good job here, too, or maybe that's just in contrast to how DUMB this whole situation is. Marshall says, "Try the blue wire." Sydney yells, "'TRY IT'??" Marshall stutters, "No, cut it. Cut it." Haw! She does. Guess what? She's saved! With eleven seconds to go. Is anyone surprised? No. Didn't think so.
Vaughn. Yellage. He tells her it's unacceptable that she called SD-6. Um. Hi. I'd like to introduce Plausi...oh never mind. Okay. First, the girl is on a cell phone. Those calls are NOT SECURE, so even if she'd called the CIA, doesn't SD-6 completely not trust her? Wouldn't she have to act impeccably just on the off-chance that SD-6 is tracing her calls? Also, since SD-6 sent her on the goddamned mission, and since Vaughn told her in the beginning of the episode that she'd have to go back to work as if nothing had happened, didn't she do exactly the right thing by not calling the CIA? GAH! Sydney defends herself, asking, "What would you have done?" There's more duologue as they talk over each other.
Sydney admits that SD-6 has the nuke, and it's her fault, but she can steal it back. Vaughn points out that they sold it to Anin Hassan. He mutters something about how it goes on their records. Okay, yeah, and the whole situation sucks, but why exactly is he yelling at Sydney? What was her other option? Wouldn't her cover have been completely blown?
The Construction Site Of Covert Revelations. Sydney's driving a brown Pathfinder. Spy Daddy pulls up. He tells her, "You're going to Cairo. Devlin told me." For some reason, the way he says that makes me believe that Spy Daddy is going to turn out to be Devlin. Just a totally unfounded hunch, but if I'm right, well...I guess I get the joy of being right. Which really does keep you warm at night, I don't care what anyone says. Sydney says she needs Spy Daddy to cover for her at SD-6 while she's gone. He says he'll take care of it. Sydney then asks Spy Daddy if he was the one who bought Danny the ticket from LAX to Singapore. Spy Daddy confesses -- he says that since she was in Taipei, she and Doomed Danny could've gone anywhere, and that by the time he got to Danny's apartment, it was too late. Sydney cries a little and says, "Thank you." I just do not buy any of Jennifer Garner's facial expressions when she cries. Also, what's the deal with commissioning Spy Daddy as her liaison? They've had a contentious relationship their entire lives, and now, just because they're Spy Family, he gets to write her excuse notes? And SD-6 is supposed to buy this? And why am I asking so many rhetorical questions?