Been Around The World (tm Lisa Stansfield)

S01E02

Sydney's Bedroom/Bathroom Suite Of Perpetual Sorrow And Strife. SSSWill follows her in and starts harassing her about not telling him anything about what happened when she took his sister's passport and credit card. She tells him to lay off, that she took all that stuff because she was imagining things. SSSWill tells her that maybe she's not, and he can help investigate it. Personally, I think he's hoping to discover that Danny was part of a drug ring or was running child hookers out of Thailand so as to ruin forever the image of the man she loved, but maybe that's just me. Sydney tells him to back off, she's trying to get over what happened. Man! Could SSSWill be any more annoying?

SD-6. The Red Flash Bulb Of Identification. Once again, Sydney is wearing a dowdy little black microfiber number. Apparently, the costume department is seeing the softer side of Sears. She enters the office, and everyone stares at her and barely makes a pretense of looking away. Marshall walks up and says, "Miss Bristow? Normally I don't get overly personal -- I don't like to cross that line, you probably don't know this about me, but I'm not really not much of a social person -- I mean, I like myself, it's just, I enjoy myself, it's just, I don't enjoy that kind of pressure when I'm by -- do you ever feel that?" So, Marshall's dialogue is a complete bitch to transcribe because so much of it depends on Kevin Weisman's stumbling, charming delivery, so if you have any complaints about the accuracy -- well, I'm not a stenographer, people!

Sydney half-smiles through his bumbling speech and says, "You can say anything you want to me." Something really is going on with her hair, because she looks so much more attractive in this episode than last. Maybe they used volumizer? Or mousse. By the way, did anyone know that mousse has made a comeback? I just recently tried some, despite my child-of-the-'80s trepidations, and I have to say, this is not your Older Sister's Mousse. It was like falling in love all over again! Anyway, Marshall says, "Okay, I just want to tell you that I'm really sorry about your fiancé, and it's nice to have you back." Sydney is touched. Marshall looks relieved. Marshall is sweet. I love him.

The Spy Staff Meeting Of Please, Please, Just Let Marshall Show Some Gadgets. Sloane tells us that files have been stolen from Foreign Intelligence, and that someone with the last name of Nabor, whom they've encountered before, is going to meet members of the Russian Mafia to possibly buy the documents that pertain to the Soviet-American nuclear arsenal during the Cold War. Sloane tells them they're leaving for Russia to stop the transaction and retrieve the documents. You know, unlike in the pilot, we haven't seen ONE SCENE of Sydney's so-called grad-student life other than her exiting the Blood Drive mobile. And once again let me refer to the posters in the forums who pointed out that being a grad student is pretty damned time consuming. When exactly is she supposed to be researching, studying, teaching, or grading papers? And, I mean, wouldn't it be hard enough for Sydney to have any sort of normal, fulfilling life? Making her a grad student seems completely pointless.

Cut to Memphis, Egypt. Sydney's VO (I'm just stealing Sars's technique and calling it SVO from now on) tells us that she knows she's been with the CIA only a short time, but the key to taking SD-6 out is to eliminate their source of arms, and that Hassan is the dude to watch. We get some fast-motion footage of Egypt and a hallway filled with Egyptians.

Sydney and Dixon sit at a table with Hassan and his Expendable Henchman. He starts showing them guns, then introduces the latest model, a sleek little handgun, named after Hassan's son. Aw, how sweet! In a freaky, horrible way. Unfortunately, every time he loads a clip, it falls out. Bwah! He and the Expendable Henchman start fighting about the shoddy gun quality and Hassan shoots him. Sydney says something in Arabic or an Egyptian dialect that serves absolutely zero purpose, except to prove that she has a frequent-buyer card at her local Berlitz, since everyone ignores her. Hassan turns and apologizes to Sydney and Dixon for the incident. He has a little smear of blood on his cheek, which somehow makes this scene super-creepy.

Home Of The Jarring, Pointless Cuts. Sydney tells Vaughn that that was six months ago, and that "I have friends from the Middle East. Hassan's not one of them." Excuse me as I regress and say no shit, Sherlock. Whuh? Why would she specify that Hassan's not her friend? God. If only I hadn't just insured it, I would bang my head against the computer. Vaughn tries to stop her and tell her that her work at SD-6 has to be business as usual, but Sydney's all fired up and starts telling him about other branches of SD-6. Sydney gets frustrated and says, "I'm giving you the plan." Vaughn tells her, "It's not your job to give me the plan. I'm giving you the plan." He starts telling her the details of how they'll contact one another, and Jennifer Garner puts on a look of concentration that's as phony as a three-dollar bill. It looks like a Baywatch look of concentration -- you know, look like you're thinking, but don't deflate your Botox injection.

The contact plan involves phone messages, trashcans, and dropping off paper bags with her reports written on them. Vaughn asks her if there are any questions. Sydney puts on her sassy pants and tells him, "Yeah, could you show me what a bag looks like again?" Then she tells him that she knows what his job is, which is to establish procedure, but she's not here to learn Langley procedure; she's in this mission for two months only, and if the CIA wants to bring down SD-6, they have to listen to her, because she knows what the plan is, and then she's out of this spy-game crap. Out of it, do you hear her? DO YOU HEAR HER? As God is her witness, she'll never go spying again!

Anyway, more let's-violate-the-first-rule-of-screenwriting-or-any-narrative-writing-period dialogue. Sydney tells Vaughn that if he listens to her, she will hand him the people who, in record time, will bring SD-6 down. Vaughn hands her a pad of paper and tells her to draw him a map of SD-6, their allies, and how far it reaches. Sydney reaches really far into her bag of Snip and yells at him, "Do I look like I'm in junior high?" Vaughn yells at her to do it while Sydney yammers on and on and ON AND ON about how she's doesn't have braces and headgear. Sure wish she had a muzzle, though.

Sydney does it. Vaughn looks like he needs a drink, or possibly a Lithium. Sydney's map fits on a sheet of 8 1/2 by 11 paper. Then she accuses Vaughn of having a problem with her because she's a woman, or of not liking her attitude. No way! Not liking her attitude! The hell you say!

Okay, that's it. It's only been four minutes into this episode and I'm having so many issues with this show, it's turning into a subscription (tm Will from Big Brother 2). And I'm a feminist (albeit the kind of feminist who thinks both women and men should shave their armpits. I know, it's weird, but I think the war with body hair is one that both genders need to engage in; really, it would bring us closer together), but if there's one thing that bugs me, it's random accusations of sexism when there's no real evidence of it, which I think completely, you know, set back The Cause, and it ESPECIALLY bugs me when it's used as a pointless throwaway in this show since we've seen zero evidence of Vaughn being a sexist pig, and in fact he's actually been fairly decent to her thus far. If anything, Vaughn seems very SNAG-y (Sensitive New-Age Guy) to me.

Sydney then brings the Snip even further and tells him that there's only one way they're going to immobilize SD-6, and that's her way, and to forgive her for being forthright or, you know, female, but that's how it's going to be. Vaughn, to his credit, does not point and do a Nelson laugh at her, but he does, gently, lay down the pimp hand and brings out an enormous roll of butcher paper that's the real scope of SD-6; needless to say, it's big. Really, really big. The camera pans over it lovingly. He tells her that since he's been in the CIA, he's only seen that map grow, and that they could've raided the Los Angeles cell years ago, but they want to bring down the whole beast. He tells her that it's complicated, political, and long-term. He tells her to memorize the code. Sydney snips, "I did."

So, thus far, we've seen that Sydney's kind of an incompetent doof of an agent; assumes way too much when she doesn't have the knowledge to back it up; and ignores the freakin' evidence in front of her eyes, i.e. if her dad's been a double-agent for his (we can assume) ENTIRE life, how the hell does she think she can bring down SD-6 in two months? Are we supposed to like her? I think the whole point of this scene is to make Sydney out to be a take-no-prisoners tough mamacita, but considering what an incompetent boob she came across as in the first episode, it's not working.

She gets ready to leave. Vaughn tells her to wait, then puts a happy-face smiley sticker on her arm. Is this some kind of weird CIA incentive program? Surely the government can afford better!

Oh. It's a Blood Drive wagon. You can tell this was filmed months ago, because if that were today, there might actually be people trying to get in the door to donate blood. Also, I'm going to PSA: hospitals need blood all the time, so please, even if you already donated (thank you) please remember that they will need donations again very soon. ["You can donate every sixty days." -- Sars]

Outside, Sydney looks pensive. And her hair looks much better than it did last episode.

God. We're barely at the OPENING CREDITS? Plop, plop, blip, blip, opening credits with the annoying highlighted letter "S."

Sydney's New Apartment. Complaint rock. Sydney, Best Friend, and Best Friend's Boyfriend help her unpack. Sad Sack Sidekick Will shows up late. He had to rewrite a story about a woman who's eating newspaper, and that it's a medical condition. There's some pointless dialogue to show us how cute and sassy this group of friends is. I hate Sad Sack Sidekick, and I hate his chin pubes, and I hate his mismatched bleached hair. Beards are especially weird when they're a totally different color from the hair on your head. Cuffs and collar need to match.

Sydney tells SSSWill that Charlie (Best Friend's Boyfriend) got an offer from a law firm. Best Friend tells him that they're having dinner on Thursday, and his presence is required. Why? Is the point of the dinner to have a miserable time?

Yay! Sloane clears the floor to let Marshall talk. Thank God. More Marshall, please. Marshall, in a note-perfect imitation of a school counselor and/or pediatrician, says, "Who here has trouble falling asleep at night, hmm?" He raises his hand. Sydney and Dixon mentally eye-roll, and Sydney gives a little fakey smile. Marshall: "Well, myself on occasion I find it difficult to nod off, mind racing, ideas, et cetera, so..." Marshall puts on a scary pair of leather-daddy gloves. He picks up a little blue drop thing between pincers and tells them all you need to do is touch it and "...it's like freebasing Thorazine -- boom!" Dude, Marshall is my new best friend! That would be so great to have at a party. An annoying guest -- boom! Out like a light.

Sydney hides a grin. Marshall tells them it only works twice, so don't rely on it for a third time. Dixon, looking impatient, asks if they need to wear the gloves. Marshall says no, that you could put the droplet or whatever in a ring, or a cuff, or perhaps an attractive cufflink, but he's wearing the gloves because he handled one of the knockout pills by mistake and passed out for twenty minutes. Hee! He says he's trying to be Pavlovian about wearing the gloves when he's handling these puppies, "No pun intended." Okay, I love Marshall.

Dixon and Sydney walk back to their desks. Dixon breaks out his flask of expository dialogue and takes the tiniest of swigs, telling Sydney that he's sick of working when the bad guys just keep coming back. Sydney looks pensive. Sloane walks up and asks if he could see Sydney for a moment. He wants to know that she's all right. He wants to show her something. He leads her to a room and opens the door, saying, "I'll leave you two alone."

Well, hello, Spy Daddy! He says, "It's all right, the room's clean. No one's listening." And...how would he know that, exactly? And isn't the whole point of the show thus far that you can't really know/trust anyone? KEE-rikey! Sydney asks why he's doing this. He says he's here to tell her what she already knows, since it makes their cover more believable. Um, how would that be, exactly? By alerting all of SD-6 that something weird is afoot? I mean, he spent his whole life hiding this from her, so wouldn't SD-6 think it's weird that he's revealing it NOW? I mean, when they kill someone's fiancé, I wouldn't feel too secure about them respecting the father-daughter bond, here. This script must look like a big piece of Swiss cheese when you hold it up to the light.

Jennifer Garner does the worst acting job I've seen from her thus far, and that includes on Time of Your Life and Dude, Where's My Car? which I ONLY saw because Ashton Kutcher is, like, nuclear-reactor hot. I'm not made of stone, people! She says, "When Danny was killed..." and then she squeaks. She actually makes a little fake squeaky noise. It's almost like a Carol Burnett parody of a bad actress trying to play a dramatic role. Maybe we're not in on the joke? Anyways, she says, "Dad, did you know? Did you know that's what they were going to do?" He admits it. She slaps him. Then she wrinkles up her face and says, "Don't you ever speak to me, again!" Oy, vey. Jennifer Garner is one sad platypus (tm Keckler)! Also, how the hell does she plan on working with him to bring down SD-6 if she just told him to never speak to her again, hmm? Once again: script + holes = doily or origami, not a believable plot. She stalks out. Spy Daddy looks sad.

Sydney sits in a mall, and I think it's the Beverly Center, but I'm not sure, and scrawls down ALL THE INFORMATION WE JUST HEARD in the spy meeting on a brown paper bag. Document retrieval, Dixon will imitate Nabor, Sydney will steal money to buy documents instead. Umm, so, couldn't we have skipped most of that meeting (except for the Marshall parts, of course) and just seen this and chopped about two minutes off this show? Arrgh. She makes the phone call and does the drop.

Sydney's Apartment Of Constant Reminders Of Her Lost Love. She puts up a picture of herself and Danny. Just then "Joey's Pizza," Vaughn's dummy name, calls. She says, "Wrong number."

Cut to a local corner store. Sydney is wearing a cute brown cardigan. Me likey! She walks over to the drinks, where Vaughn is looking at boxes. Oooh, Clearly Canadian! She picks up a bottle of V-8 Splash, otherwise known as Bottled Barf, instead.

Sydney complains how tough it is working with friends who have no idea who they're REALLY working for. Vaughn tells her that Nabor is attempting to purchase nukes, and that her counter-assignment is to carry out her SD-6 assignment, and when she returns, to make sure she's holding the files. They'll...oh, God, what's the POINT, since we're about to see what she's supposed to do in about ten minutes anyway? Anyways, Vaughn tells her some more spy crap and offers her a slushie and she refuses. What does Sydney have against delicious beverages? I'd take a slushie in a New York minute from anyone, let alone a cute boy. She snips at him, "No thanks. I said I was cold." Jennifer Garner looks like she might be falling victim to Angelina Jolie/Jessica Alba disease, where she mistakes lip-pursing for acting. Someone inoculate her, stat! Vaughn wishes her good luck. They part ways.

Sad Sack Sidekick Will at his newspaper office. I'm betting the LA Times wouldn't let them use their name. HA! Anyways, an extremely pretty girl, who looks vaguely Latina, comes up and asks straight out why SSSWill won't go out with her. He explains that it's because she's nineteen (apparently she just turned twenty) and he's ancient, and to look at his eyes, they're bright red. She leans forward, gazes into them, and murmurs that they don't look so bad. Okay, she's about a thousand times too attractive for SSSWill. He is annoying. And before I get any hate mail from SSSWill's fourth cousin twice removed about how he's a really good person, let me say that I have zero complaints with the actor playing SSSWill; I just hate the character. Hate him. He's annoying. Cute Girl, get away from him! Also, no way in hell Cute Girl is twenty. She's at least a few years older. She's too self-possessed. He asks her to pull Daniel Hecht's file. As she walks away, she says, "You don't take me seriously, do you?" SSSWill says, "No, I don't."

Also, snaps for actually casting people of color in the show, but you know what? Last time I checked, LA was filled with thousands of other races, not just African-American and Caucasian. Can we see some, please? Thank you.

The Magical Font Of Travel appears and says, "Moscow," with the highlighted "S" we saw in the beginning of the show. Jesus, where were these titles last week? Sydney, wearing a long blonde wig and a black headband that makes her look like a refugee from a Swiss Miss chocolate box, asks Dixon if he copies. Dixon mutters, "Wow, that was loud." Is Dixon's headset trouble going to be a running joke? Wow, because that's SO FUNNY! Sydney mentally eye-rolls and tells him he asked Marshall to make it louder. She looks pretty cute as a blonde.

The Taut Tensity Of Techno plays as Sydney reveals a maid's uniform and knocks on a door. She answers the occupant's query in Russian. I'm sorry, but Sydney, while looking very pretty in her blonde wig, looks about as Russian as I would wearing that wig, and I'm Korean. Sydney fluffs, folds, and hospital-corners. The bodyguard wanders out of the room. Shower noises go on in the background. She switches her ring to the inside and pops the top, revealing the knockout drop. She goes out to tell the bodyguard she's done, and shakes his hand. Umm, excuse me -- I've never, ever had a maid shake my hand when she's done cleaning the room. Why would they? They usually come by when you're gone, don't they? So, the bodyguard is knocked out right away.

Below, at The Indoor Swimming Pool Party Of Swankiness, Dixon, dressed as Nabor, meets with Russian Baddies. They wonder at him not having a bodyguard in a menacing way. Meanwhile, upstairs, Sydney whips off her glasses to reveal that they are lock-picks and struggles with the suitcase. More menacing of Dixon by Russian Baddies below. They ask him if he has the money, but Dixon says the money is close.

Sydney gets the suitcase open just as another bodyguard enters. They fight. This fight scene is actually okay, since the cameras aren't crammed up the actors' noses for part of it. She knocks the bodyguard out. The real Nabor enters the room, and Sydney apologizes in Russian, touching him on the shoulder with her ring. He passes out. She turns and looks at the suitcase full o' dough, which is a dummy suitcase -- only the top level was money, the rest was paper. Wow, just like Shallow Grave! And, I'm sure, countless other movies.

Sydney telegraphs to Dixon what just happened. Dixon mutters, "Fabulous." The Russian Baddies look at him. Dixon grins, "Uhh...vodka!" Man, that was weak. The Russian Baddies think so, too. How the hell was Dixon able to concentrate while all that ass-whupping and talking was going on in his ear? Does he have an off switch? How does he know when to turn it on? Inquiring minds want to know!

Sydney whips off her maid's uniform to reveal her inner hootchie. She's wearing a light-blue latex tank dress. It makes her look like a very tall transvestite hooker, which is probably the point. She looks better when the blonde hair is up. She tells Dixon not to panic, that she'll be there in two minutes.

CIA. Vaughn. Extreme close-up of him turning a gigantic Kennedy half-dollar over in his fingers. Sean from Felicity makes another guest appearance. For some reason, seeing Sean makes me extremely happy, like when you're stuck at an awful party and you see someone halfway normal that you usually have nothing to say to, but in that context he looks like a goddamned lifeline. Sean asks if he's heard from Sydney yet. Vaughn looks worried and says he doesn't expect to hear from her until she's back. Beat. Sean: "Your girlfriend's name is Alice, right?" Vaughn: "Will you shut up?" Sean: "I'm just checking." Vaughn: "Get out of my office!" Oh, ALL RIGHT -- haw! That was funny. Why don't those two get a show?

Sydney. Indoor pool party. God, that dress is horrible, horrible, horrible. She tells Dixon she's in the bar. She and Dixon do some signaling-across-the-room stuff that my friends and I used to do back when we cheated on Civics tests in the seventh grade. Sydney tells him to get ready to make a switch.

Sydney picks up some playing cards, then walks over to a drunk guy and charms him with her latex-covered bod as she steals his drink. She strides over to Dixon's table and fake-trips, spilling her drink all over them as she drops the cards into the brown envelope Dixon is holding. They yell at her. She walks away, holding a diskette.

Russian Baddie #2 tells Dixon, "Enough nonsense." Dixon says he'll go get the cash. Russian Baddie #2, whose accent is worse than Boris Badenov's, pulls a gun. Sydney sees him and runs back, and the shit starts flying. Kick kick kick, fight fight fight, blah blah. How the hell is she able to fight in a latex dress? Lord. Ginger Rogers was right.

The Shaky Font Of Returning Travel. The Taut Tones Of Totally Trite Techno continue to play. Title reads, "Los Angeles." Plane lands. Sydney and Dixon disembark. Vaughn, dressed as part of the cleaning crew, crosses her path. Sydney drops the disk on him. It's amazing -- the clothes really do make the man. I didn't look at the cleaning-crew guy twice until Sydney passed the disk off, and then I realized it was Michael Vartan. Vaughn enters a door, and it's all CIA'd to the max. They start copying the info. Sydney and Dixon walk to the curb outside for their car.

More tension in the CIA room as they struggle to get the disk copied. Sydney looks very worried. Just as Dixon loads her last bag, Vaughn passes by and drops the disk back in her purse. Very nice!

Schizophrenic music change. In a completely lovely, subtle touch, the song is all about how hard a woman's work is. My God. Does J.J. Abrams think we all got off the short bus or what? Sydney runs into her Apartment Of Reminders Of Lost Love just so she can put her engagement ring on and stare at it. She is muy, muy sad. She is Saddy McSad from Sadville.

Sydney's Bedroom/Bathroom Suite Of Perpetual Sorrow And Strife. Sydney's left her bedroom and is now in the bathtub, still staring at the ring. The ovary (tm Sars) continues to wail. And wail. And wail. God, I may start ovulating soon. Fade to a big close-up of the ring, which looks pretty nice. Jennifer Garner looks quite sad, actually.

Thursday night celebratory dinner. SSSWill, Best Friend, Best Friend's Boyfriend, and some girl with a pixie haircut sit around. Best Friend tells a story about how some "rich, entitled son-of-a-bitch" bitched her out for not getting him butter, when really he'd asked the other black waitress for butter. Oh, man, I so sympathize. When I was a waitress, people used to call me "China." As if I didn't have a name, but only an ethnicity, like one of those dolls in the It's A Small World ride in Disneyland. Pixie Haircut says that she thinks some people just go out to eat to abuse waiters (word booty on that). Then she says, "There's some bad people in this world." Now, wouldn't you say "messed-up," or "weird," or "mean," rather than "bad people"? Doesn't that seem like it's overstating the case a bit? Whatever.

Just then, Sydney walks up. Wow, that subtlety was completely underwhelming. She brings a nice bottle of wine as a celebratory gift. Looks like SSSWill has had a glass or two of whine (haw! cue knee slap) himself as he interrupts the dinner by asking Sydney if he can talk to her in private. Everyone stares at them. I hate Will.

Will confirms that they're, like, rilly, rilly, rilly good friends, and he'd never do anything to hurt her, but he's a curious guy. Sydney starts freaking out and asks what did he do. Will reveals that the night Danny was killed, he'd booked a flight from LAX to Singapore. Will has a total John Belushi-esque eyebrow waggle of triumph on his face. Sydney says kindly that she already knew that, that Danny had had a medical conference in Singapore, and they were going to fly out afterward and meet in Bali. She starts to cry and tell Will that every day she has to forget finding Danny the way she did, and that she needs to move on. Will finally seems to Get It (although I'm betting in future episodes he won't). He feels like a total asshole. Jennifer Garner does a good job here, because you can tell that she didn't really know about Danny's flight and is lying on her feet.

SD-6. Sloane tells Sydney about "Doomsday Six," an operation where six nuclear warheads were smuggled into and buried in the US. All of those were found. Wow, it's like a big scavenger hunt, but with plutonium! The information that Sydney and Dixon recovered revealed that there was a seventh, unknown nuke that's still missing. Sloane tells Sydney that someone named Ivanov is babysitting the nuke in Virginia, and she needs to go do some serious recon.

CIA. Sydney calls and tells Vaughn she's going to see Ivanov, and hangs up. Cut to Vaughn talking to Porcine Boss. They argue. Porcine Boss says that they're moving on the information they have on those disks, even at the risk of blowing Sydney's cover and sacrificing her. Vaughn tries to lay the smackdown and tells him to read her files, and PB will realize she's an asset. PB says he already has read the file. Ouch! Vaughn begs for at least five hours. Porcine Boss agrees and almost plows down Sean, who was standing in the outer office. Sean says, "Whoo. Impressive. Balls. Of. Steel. No, that's what I'm going to call you from now on." He stops a random agent. "Hey, have you met Balls of Steel?" The other agent grins. I do, too.

Title: "Virginia." Sydney pulls up to the address she was given, but -- d'oh! --it's a cemetery. She walks through it and finds a giant tombstone with Ivanov's name. Strings Screech Sorrowfully.

Then -- oh God, where's my Maalox? -- Sydney runs over to the shed, kicks down the door, and the shots we see are of Sydney getting near the coffin.. Apparently Sydney, with an enormous shovel, bare-handed, dug up several pounds of dirt. Now. As someone with a hearty peasant background who has done her share of yard work, can I say that there's NO WAY you could dig up that much dirt and not scrape your hands raw on a shovel? And that it would take a good long time to dig up a grave? Oh yeah, and that it's broad frickin' daylight when she's doing all this? Hi, Plot -- I'd like you to meet Plausibility. Oh, that's right, you two are in the middle of a bitter divorce.

Sydney finds the coffin and opens it. And...GUESS WHAT? There's a nuke inside, and she's just activated it. Umm. Why would the nuke activate just on opening? Why, why, why, why, WHY, WHY, WHY?? I'm finding the concept of anti-cellulite cream more believable than this episode.

Christ. Anyways, two minutes until detonation. Sydney calls Marshall and screams out all the types of wires she's seeing. She does a good job here, too, or maybe that's just in contrast to how DUMB this whole situation is. Marshall says, "Try the blue wire." Sydney yells, "'TRY IT'??" Marshall stutters, "No, cut it. Cut it." Haw! She does. Guess what? She's saved! With eleven seconds to go. Is anyone surprised? No. Didn't think so.

Vaughn. Yellage. He tells her it's unacceptable that she called SD-6. Um. Hi. I'd like to introduce Plausi...oh never mind. Okay. First, the girl is on a cell phone. Those calls are NOT SECURE, so even if she'd called the CIA, doesn't SD-6 completely not trust her? Wouldn't she have to act impeccably just on the off-chance that SD-6 is tracing her calls? Also, since SD-6 sent her on the goddamned mission, and since Vaughn told her in the beginning of the episode that she'd have to go back to work as if nothing had happened, didn't she do exactly the right thing by not calling the CIA? GAH! Sydney defends herself, asking, "What would you have done?" There's more duologue as they talk over each other.

Sydney admits that SD-6 has the nuke, and it's her fault, but she can steal it back. Vaughn points out that they sold it to Anin Hassan. He mutters something about how it goes on their records. Okay, yeah, and the whole situation sucks, but why exactly is he yelling at Sydney? What was her other option? Wouldn't her cover have been completely blown?

The Construction Site Of Covert Revelations. Sydney's driving a brown Pathfinder. Spy Daddy pulls up. He tells her, "You're going to Cairo. Devlin told me." For some reason, the way he says that makes me believe that Spy Daddy is going to turn out to be Devlin. Just a totally unfounded hunch, but if I'm right, well...I guess I get the joy of being right. Which really does keep you warm at night, I don't care what anyone says. Sydney says she needs Spy Daddy to cover for her at SD-6 while she's gone. He says he'll take care of it. Sydney then asks Spy Daddy if he was the one who bought Danny the ticket from LAX to Singapore. Spy Daddy confesses -- he says that since she was in Taipei, she and Doomed Danny could've gone anywhere, and that by the time he got to Danny's apartment, it was too late. Sydney cries a little and says, "Thank you." I just do not buy any of Jennifer Garner's facial expressions when she cries. Also, what's the deal with commissioning Spy Daddy as her liaison? They've had a contentious relationship their entire lives, and now, just because they're Spy Family, he gets to write her excuse notes? And SD-6 is supposed to buy this? And why am I asking so many rhetorical questions?

She leaves. Spy Daddy looks slightly vindicated.

Vaughn is rattling off directions to his assistant, and includes an "if Alice calls..." when Porcine Boss walks in and tells him that although he's not in trouble, he's off the Bristow case, since Devlin has decided she's important and that the case needs a more senior officer. See? If Spy Daddy isn't Devlin I'll eat my...well, I'll probably just eat as I normally do, but I'd be very surprised. Porcine Boss tells Vaughn that he's to oversee some office presentation yadda yadda yadda.

Sloane's office. Spy Daddy enters and tells him that Sydney's been upset, so she took a few days off and headed up north, because she just needed to get away. Oh, yeah, that's totally believable. Sloane asks Spy Daddy if he's all right. Spy Daddy says of course. Sloane says, "You seem a little..." and as his voice trails off he shoots this gimlet-eyed stare at Spy Daddy, and it's the only believable minute of suspense in the entire damned show.

Egypt. The Techno Of Triteness plays. Sydney, looking very Mortal Kombat in a black burnoose, beats up some guards. She finds the nuke. The back-up guy responds to her instructions in a monotone. Sydney asks if he could not talk like such a robotron (I think). He deadpans, "Radio silence requested." She opens the nuke, guts it, and is holding its core in her hand when Hassan enters, pointing a gun at her head. DA DA DUM!

As Janet Jackson would say, "That's the end?"

week: A bunch of scenes with zero narrative continuity. Oh yeah, and that actress who played Sarge on Cleopatra 2525 shows up to play a rogue agent.