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Naomi returns home and into Cannon's trap. He duct tapes her to a chair and sends a text message to lure over Silver, who leaves her love embrace with Navid under the impression that he will break up with AAdrianna. Silver arrives, gets a matching duct tape outfit, and joins Naomi in filming a command performance denial of all claims against Cannon. Cannon loses the upper hand when he gets greedy and demands Naomi take him to the bank to clean out her account. Under the pretense of prettying herself up, she blinds him with a can of hairspray. The girls bind the naughty professor up, and Naomi unleashes months of pent-up rage as she goes Extremities on his ass. Once she puts a knife to his neck, Silver's all, "Party's over!" They call the police, and Cannon is carted off to prison, where he'll probably wish that Naomi had finished the job.
And speaking of people getting their asses handed to them! In the wake of tabloids reports -- spread by her sleaze ball former manager Victor -- that AAdrianna stole Javier's songs, her publicity team scrambles to devise an exit strategy. They contrive to claim she developed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder when she saw him die in the car wreck. She takes this flimsy story onto a local morning show and, among other embarrassments, jankily refers to her go-to excuse as "PSTD." The anchor doesn't believe her line of bull for a second and proceeds to slaughter her. Victor joins the on-air gang bang, forcing AAdrianna to flee the interview and run into Navid's arms for consolation. Sorry, Silver, looks like that break-up speech is postponed indefinitely.
Despite AAdrianna's lies, we do get a good ol' case of PTSD for dear Ivy, who nearly drowns in a surfing accident. Dixon comes to her rescue, despite his lingering anger. They reach a temporary detente because he's too busy spending his psychic energy stressing over friendly pats on the back from Teddy that he misinterprets as come-ons after seeing Teddy kissing Ian at AAdrianna's Christmas party. Teddy finally confronts him on all the "no-homo" vibes, and Dixon promises to stand by the closet door and keep watch until otherwise instructed.
In D-plots, Annie and Liam agree they still have feelings for each other. She promises to break up with her Coffee Cutie, a.k.a. Charlie, a.k.a. Liam's half-brother, but is sidetracked when her annoying cousin Emily arrives in town. Before Annie can do the deed, CC catches up with him and makes amends for their lame back story involving an abusive step-father and a stolen credit card that somehow ruined Liam's youth. Frankly, I think I should get the apology for even have to commit this weak subplot to the eternity of the Internets. Regardless, CC's apology is enough to stir up Liam's conscience, so he asks Annie not to drop the hammer just yet because it would ruin his newly tight bromance. While Annie's head spins from that completely unwarranted turnaround, cousin Emily prepares her audition for Single White Female redux The Roommate by parading around La Casa Nueva in Annie's clothes and starting a stalkerphile for Liam on her mobile phone. Finally, a stalker plot. The writers have been listening to my prayers!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: AAdrianna's head blew up as big as her single, so her sleazy agent Victor exacted some Hollywood justice on her. Teddy finally succumbed to his longings for Ian, and Dixon saw them kissing. Navid and Silver got their kiss on, too. As did Annie and Liam. And Naomi returned to a dark home, just seconds from realizing she's not alone...
We rejoin Naomi as she gets into her jammies for the night, complete with gratuitous bra-and-panties shot. She heads over to her makeup table and looks up with a start as she realizes that her rapist, former teacher Mr. Cannon is there, too. He turns on loud music to muffle her screams. She tries to run to the door, but he corners her and sticks a knife to her throat, claiming he "just wants to talk..."
Back at AAdrianna's party, Dixon backs away uncertainly from his eyeful of man-on-man kissing. The floor creaks under him, and Teddy goes into paranoia mode. Dixon sneaks out just in time, so Teddy strategizes a SWAT-style exit for himself and Ian so that no one will know they're leaving together. Ian gets a little irritated with all this artifice, but Teddy asks him to be patient with him for now.
Outside, Navid and Silver break from their face-smash. They're blissful and agree that they want to be together. Silver feels guilty for causing her best friend's break-up. Navid insists he has reasons to dump AAdrianna beyond his feelings for Silver. They decide to lay low for a while after the split and give AAdrianna time to move on.
Over at La Casa Nueva, Liam wakes up as Annie tries shame-walk out of his room. They purr at each other about feeling fantastic, though Annie admits she is confused. She feels bad about sleeping with her boyfriend's brother in her brother's bed. Say that five times fast! She asks him for space to figure out how she feels and what she wants to do .
Cannon tapes Naomi to a chair as she tries to bargain with him. She promises she won't tell anyone what he's done if he just leaves her alone, but of course he doesn't believe her. He rages against her about her lies, her oozing sexuality, etc. He tells her she's going to make things right, but he needs Silver to come over first. Naomi refuses to call her, so he sends a text from Naomi's phone. Silver replies that she'll be there ASAP, and Cannon looks up at Naomi with evil in his eyes. Credits.
Silver leaves AAdrianna's house with a Baby-and-Johnny-style hand holding, dreamy eyes moment with Navid. I like these two! I give it two weeks before the show makes me hate them. Navid walks upstairs and into a shit storm. AAdrianna's publicist is in serious damage control mode while AAdrianna weeps Courtney Love circa 1994 tears down her pretty little face. She blubbers that Victor leaked the facts about her song-stealing ways. The PR drone tells AAdrianna (Addie? can we pick a less glamorous pop starlet nickname?) that she booked her on Hello LA the day. It's up to AAdrianna to convince the public she took Javier's notebook in the midst of a PTSD-induced haze. She briefs AAdrianna on the nightmares, flashbacks, and psychological trauma she is supposed to have had that informed her poor decisions in the wake of Javier's sudden, traumatic death. AAdrianna says, with no hint of irony or self-awareness, "I can't believe this is happening to me," and collapses into Navid's arms. He's all, "So now's a bad time to break up then?"
Meanwhile, Silver makes it into Naomi's apartment and immediately sees her tied up. She runs over to unbind her. Of course she takes off Naomi's gag last (I might, too, frankly), which means it's too late for Naomi to warn Silver to run away. Cannon puts a knife to her throat.
Elsewhere, Liam picks up Annie's phone and sees that his brother/her boyfriend Charlie is calling. He takes it to her in her room and eavesdrops awkwardly while she talks to him. Annie brushes off plans with Charlie, saying her cousin Emily is visiting from Kansas while her mom goes to rehab. Charlie reluctantly agrees to take a break, and Annie half-heartedly promises to call.
Back at the party, Navid leaves Silver a message updating her on AAdrianna's meltdown. He promises to break up with her when the time is right and tells her he misses her. As he hangs up, Dixon approaches and asks him some really uncomfortable hypotheticals about guys kissing guys. Navid brings in a requisite cultural quip about Persian men who are related being all for the male-on-male action, so Dixon has to spell it out. He doesn't get to the names and places, though, because Teddy stumbles into the conversation. Navid innocently jokes that Dixon is coming onto him, and Dixon gets super-cagey, which makes things about 100 times more awkward. Dixon tries to talk his way out of it, and Teddy excuses himself, but Navid can't let the encounter drop without one more quip about Dixon hitting on Teddy. Ahhh, classic Navid.
Clarkette Condo. Cannon films her and Silver, who are obviously tied to their chairs, saying that they were lying about the rape allegations and are sorry for destroying Cannon's life. He creepily thanks them for finally telling the truth, then says he needs money to set up his new life. Naomi offers him a few hundred dollars she has in a safe in her apartment. He says he'll need her entire trust fund. She informs him that the administrator put a $5,000 limit on any transactions outside of the bank to forestall any impulse purchases. She'll have to go to the bank in person to get more money than that. He angrily accepts the terms, which unfortunately buys them another night of horror.
The morning, Ivy finds Dixon on the beach to apologize for hurting him. He gives her the cold shoulder and runs into the water to surf. She follows close behind. Cue gratuitous surf shot filler. Eventually, Ivy wipes out by a rock formation and suffers a blow to the head. Dixon runs into the water to save her. He carries her back to the shore and performs mouth-to-mouth. She comes to, and lifeguards take over as Dixon walks away shaken.
He heads back home and tells Annie what happened. He wonders why she's making up an air mattress, and she reminds him that cousin Emily is arriving today for the five months. Says Dixon, "Maybe she's less annoying than she used to be?" Seconds later, in comes their cuz a-squeakin' and a-squealin'. Guess not.
Downtown, AAdrianna runs lines for her TV interview, debating which sounds better (a.k.a. worse) "horrible" or "horrifying." The publicist snappily corrects AAdrianna when she calls her concocted disorder PSTD, and advises her not to cry on camera. The hostess pops in and gives AAdrianna's publicist a huge hug. She greets AAdrianna warmly and tells her to relax. AAdrianna lets her guard down a little. Bad idea, sister. She gives Navid a quick peck before she walks out. He waits a couple beats, then calls Silver and leaves a message that he should be able to go through with the break-up as soon as AAdrianna is out of the woods.
Back at the Wilson homestead, Cousin Emily is squeeing all over a star map as she notices that Katy Perry and Ben Affleck, are, like, totally neighbors! Annie tries to sneak out, but gets caught in Emily's sights. She asks, "Did you know that you live less than half a mile away from Julia Roberts' brother Eric Roberts, father of Emma Roberts?!" Annie feigns enthusiasm and tries to escape to "return a shirt." No such luck because Debbie -- who is no doubt as annoyed with Emily as everyone else -- motions for Annie to let Emily tag along to see if, indeed, the salespeople on Rodeo Drive are as bitchy as they were in Pretty Woman.
Meanwhile, Cannon wakes Naomi and Silver up with a knife in the face. Naomi makes an excuse that she needs to fix her makeup. Cannon assumes it's because she's such a raging slut, but she claims it's so no one will notice that her face is stained with tears and mascara. He allows it, and she goes to her makeup table. He leans in and breathes down her neck as makes snide jabs about "the tools of feminine deception" before she grabs a can of hairspray and gets him right in the eye. As he backs up blindly, Silver grabs a candlestick to wallop him over the head. And he's down for the count!
Beach club. Annie brings in Emily with a handful of bags that unfortunately still don't obscure her matching pink sweatshirt and visor ensemble. The only thing she's missing is a fanny pack and a camera around her neck. Annie tells Emily for the millionth time that it was not Lauren Conrad they saw on Rodeo Drive when Emily is distracted by a hunky guy that she insists must be a celebrity. Before Annie can tell her it's just Liam, Emily has already whipped out the camera phone and taken a candid. Liam walks up, so Annie introduces them. Awkward silence.
He asks if Annie has figured things out yet, and she tells him she's still thinking. He excuses himself to check out the surfing meet. As he leaves, Emily says he's the cutest boy she's ever seen, and says she totally gets why Annie is "H over H" for him. Annie's all, "What in the what now?" Emily says she saw sparks between them. Annie tells her that chemistry is not everything and that her relationship with Liam is complicated, namely by his brother. Emily thinks it's just like when Brad & Jen suddenly became Brangelina. She thinks Annie and Liam belong together, which Annie is pretty eager to hear.
Meanwhile, AAdrianna lays her PTSD story on thick in front of the cameras. She gets tripped up when the hostess takes her to task for recording an entire album of stolen songs, walking the red carpet with Joe Jonas, and all the other things she did in the months following her supposed onset of "PSTD." When the hostess won't relent and basically calls AAdrianna a grimy, spotlight hogging hag, AAdrianna makes her publicist's worst nightmare come true and dissolves into tears on television.
Surf meet. Ivy joins Dixon and Teddy in line as they wait to compete. She tries to thank him for saving her life, but he's pretty cold toward her. The coach calls them in for a pep talk, then sends them to the water. Teddy gives Dixon a friendly pat on the chest, which he naturally misinterprets as he heads out. Ivy approaches the waves more slowly, showing signs of a little PTSD herself. She starts to run in, then stumbles conveniently. She calls to the coach that she did something to her hamstring. He tells her to sit out. She puts up a weak protest, but it's obvious she's not too upset about it.
Cannon comes to as Silver and Naomi tape him to a chair. He shouts insults at him, so Naomi responds in turn by pimp-slapping the shit out of him. She calls him "a shriveled excuse for a man... pitiful and disgusting." Silver moves to call the police, but Naomi asks if she can see the phone. She takes it and hurls it across the room, then kicks Cannon onto his back. Then she pulls out his knife, saying, "I'll handle the justice myself."
Casa Nueva. Emily fawns over Annie's clothes as Annie puts together an outfit for her night with Liam. She thinks Annie and Liam "have more chemistry than Demi and Ashton," and is super-excited (perhaps a little too excited, frankly) about her cousin's night out. Annie takes the compliments and says Emily can borrow her clothes anytime.
Over on the beach, Ivy and Liam watch the surf meet. Charlie approaches and tells Liam they need to talk about Annie. They step aside, where Charlie asks what happened the night before. He thinks Annie is acting weird and wonders what Liam told her. They rehash all the old drama between them, about how Charlie set up Liam so he wouldn't stay with Charlie's family. Charlie admits that Liam is right. He did set him up -- but not because he was jealous. He set him up so Liam wouldn't have to endure the beatings that Charlie's father put him through every day. With that, Liam's heart starts to turn.
Clarkette Condo. Naomi holds the knife to Cannon's neck as he whimpers for his life and admits that he did everything. Silver cries out for Naomi to stop, and Cannon follows suit. Naomi says Cannon deserves to die. Silver agrees, but tells Naomi that killing Cannon will end her life. She whimpers that it's not worth it. Naomi slowly removes the knife and crumples into Silver's arms wailing.
Back on Hello LA, the hostess hands AAdrianna a tissue as she welcomes sleazy Victor to the stage. Victor spins a pretty (and completely bullshit) yarn about the circumstances of meeting AAdrianna, claiming her believed in AAdrianna from the start and didn't know about the notebook until recently. AAdrianna calls him out on his lies, but it only serves to incriminate her more. He pulls out the fan card, saying Javier's followers deserve better. AAdrianna finally crumbles under the pressure and runs offstage. Navid sees all this go down live on a monitor in the dressing room and quickly realizes he's S.O.L. AAdrianna runs in like a hot mess and gives him the "Woe is me" rundown. But there's one bright spot in her life: Navid. Sucker.
Over at the casa, Debbie enters Annie's room to ask her a question. When "Annie" turns around, Debbie realizes it's actually Emily playing dress-up in Annie's closet. Debbie says she's glad they're getting along and heads back downstairs. Emily takes off Annie's hat and pulls out her phone to gaze lovingly at the picture she took of Liam. She looks up devilishly. More to come on that, I'm sure...
Beach. West Bev's surf coach wanly congratulates them on their third place finish. Teddy tries to compliment Dixon's performance and is met with strained silence. He heads over to ask Dixon if he's going to stick around and surf more, but gets more of the same. He wonders why Dixon is acting weird. Dixon eventually spills that he saw Teddy kissing Ian. Teddy denies it several times before he realizes the jig is up. He begs Dixon to keep quiet until he's figured things out. Dixon reluctantly agrees, then runs off. Up the beach a little, Ivy limps over to a trash can, tosses the ice pack for her hamstring, then lithely runs into her car without a twinge of pain.
Annie meets Liam in the beach club and apologizes for making him wait for her. She tells him she's going to break up with Charlie because she wants to be with him. Unfortunately, he's changed his mind in light of their heart-to-heart earlier that day. He tells Annie not to break up with Charlie. He thinks causing the break-up, then getting with Annie would ruin their newly restored family bond.
Over at Naomi's, the police remove Cannon as Naomi and Silver hug and close the chapter on this particular torment.
week: The ladies attend a yoga retreat. Shenanigans ensue!