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So let's start with the schadenfreude: AAdrianna buys a house that is at once tremendously tacky and way beyond her budget. To address the budget issue, she cuts Victor's commission in half. At the same time, she throws the most outlandish, outrageous Christmas party you've ever seen, complete with elves and reindeer to escort her around the outdoor ice skating rink as she sings "Santa Baby." The part where she makes everyone sit around and watch her open her gifts while being a two-faced hag about it is especially delightful. Oh yeah, and did I mention the part where she delivers a Christmas toast in which she compares herself to the Maccabees and Jesus Christ himself? What. An. Asshole. Long story short, Victor takes back the dwarf-elf reins, as well as Javier's notebook o' songs, and sells the story of her thievery, trickery, and general assery to anyone who will listen, leaving AAdrianna with no songs for her new album and no way to fund that big, ugly house. On the upside, she'll probably have some good material for country music.
But that's not the end of the misfortune for the pop tart whose self-described worst nightmare is wearing the same dress as Miley Cyrus. Oh no. Navid tries to clear the air with Silver after confessing his feelings for her last week. She pushes him away over and over again, even when AAdrianna throws a slumber party -- big shock! -- everyone bails on except Silver and Navid. You have to give the boy credit for trusting his gut and being persistent, though, because by episode's end, Silver finally sees what an insufferable prick AAdrianna has become and says, "What the Hell" as she and Navid share a long-time-coming lip lock.
And she's not the only one tasting of the forbidden fruit. Teddy and Ian are both happy about their little luau liaison from last week, but Ian initially tells Teddy that leaping back into the closet is a non-starter. After Teddy pours his heart out, tells Ian he cares for him, and finally admits, out loud, that he's gay, Ian agrees to give him time to plan his coming-out strategy. Though that may be a non-issue if Dixon, who saw the two of them kissing, spills the beans to anyone else. Speaking of Dixon, he and Annie allow Liam into La Casa Nueva after Liam's brutal beating at the hands of Dax. Liam is still estranged from his brother-slash-Annie's boyfriend, a.k.a. Coffee Cutie, so Annie promises CC she'll look after Liam. She skips AAdrianna's party to do so, which gives Liam the perfect opportunity to confess his undying love for her. With that Florence Nightingale Jr. finally redresses the embarrassing sin of cashing in her V-Card to psycho Jasper. I, for one, hope these two have lots of hot sex in the new year. Maybe afterglow will make Annie less irritating.
Ivy's isolation only grows as the holiday approaches, so she calls on her long-lost father, who wastes no time in shit-talking MILF. Ivy enjoys this new feeling of solidarity, especially when Naomi considers giving Ausscar a second chance despite Ivy's wishes. Unfortunately, Ivy's dad ultimately reveals the agenda he's been working toward by spending all this time with his daughter. He wants her to help him convince MILF to pick up Ivy's college tuition, since has other kids that he cares about enough to send to college. Ivy goes home to MILF devastated, and they have a tearful reconciliation. The reunion is largely thanks to the behind-the-scenes work of Naomi, who also decides she can't disrespect Ivy by dating Ausscar. And how does the Perma Donna get repaid for her good deeds? By coming home to her apartment, completely unaware that Cannon is lurking in the darkness ready to terrorize her.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: AAdrianna lying and stealing nearly drove Navid to cheat. MILF's illicit affair with Ausscar drove a wedge between her and Ivy. Teddy stopped fighting his feelings for Ian. And Liam fought a losing battle with Loony Laura's thug ex.
Morning in the Bev Niner. AAdrianna has outdone herself in the a-hole department by picking up a yappy Chihuahua and some obnoxious "Don't look at me! Please look at me!" starlet sunglasses. A real estate agent is driving her up to a home that she claims is "so Sunset Boulevard." AAdrianna ditzes that she thought they were off Mulholland. The agent explains that Gloria Swanson used to live in the house, and AAdrianna realizes she's talking about the movie, which she can suddenly quote, even though she didn't recognize the iconic title just seconds before. Booooo, writers.
They drive up to the house, which is like Hercules picked up Notre Dame and dropped it right in the middle of Beverly Hills. Not sure why, but AAdrianna thinks this faux Gothic monstrosity it totally her and immediately says she wants it without even stepping inside. The ornate train wreck mélange continues inside, where a potted palm tree sits to what appears to a baptismal font. The agent claims Rudolph Valentino once swung from the chandelier naked. Art Deco chairs surround the pool outside because, really, why attempt consistency at this point? As AAdrianna plans to throw a huge party in her new house, the agent blows one more plume of smoke up her ass before telling AAdrianna that the house is $20,000 a month and requires a six-month commitment. AAdrianna doesn't bat an eyelash, so Victor pipes up that AAdrianna should be a little more fiscally conservative since she only has one single out and doesn't know where the future will lead. She takes this as a sign of his doubt, calls him a wet blanket, and lashes out by cutting his commission in half so she can "afford" the house. So now he's making 2.5%. Yeah, that's really going to keep him loyal and totally not going to backfire, you dumb hussy. Good job. Now go buy some damn gargoyles for your ugly house.
West Bev. Navid runs into Silver and her latest tragic haircut. He playfully-slash-self-consciously asks her if his luau confession was awkward. She says it was. He admits he's really confused about whether he should be with AAdrianna, especially since his feelings are changing. She cuts him off, saying that she won't betray her friend and suggesting they take some space.
Down the hall, Naomi continues to convince Ivy of the virtues of the various accoutrements of the girly world, but Ivy is a hopeless case who is impenetrably baffled by fake eyelashes. As you can imagine, when Naomi extols her latest find -- a Brazilian bikini waxing salon that serves blueberry margaritas (shouldn't that be caipirinhas?) -- Ivy respectfully declines. Plus she has plans to see her long-lost dad now that she's on the outs with MILF. Ivy was worried her dad had moved on with his new family, but was relieved that he is excited to see her after all these years.
A bit later, Teddy steps out of class and runs into Ian. Ian says their encounter at the luau was fun, and Teddy agrees but gets spooked the minute he spots another person out of the corner of his eye. Ian notices his weirdness, so Teddy admits he's not ready to go public with their relationship. Ian tells Teddy that he came out of the closet in ninth grade and doesn't want to go back in, then walks away.
Over in the cafeteria, Annie and Naomi attempt to enjoy their lunches over the din of other girls' conversations about shit-talking and yeast infections. Appetizing! Annie's phone rings. It's Coffee Cutie, who just called to say he misses her. She tells him she can't hang out that night because she's sleeping over at AAdrianna's but invites him to the Gothic Garage the for AAdrianna's party. As they speak, Dixon runs in to tell Annie that Liam's in the hospital after his fight with Loony Laura's ex Dax. Annie promises to update CC once she learns Liam's fate. Credits.
That afternoon, Ausscar finds Naomi to tell her he enjoyed eating guacamole with her the other night. She tells him that sounds dirty. Uh... not really. He laughs off her attempt at disdain and says it looks like her nose has healed since the surfing incident. He asks if she'd like to go out some time. She says maybe, and he walks off hopefully. Naomi spots Ivy, who has seen the whole exchange. She tries to convince Ivy that Ausscar might not be that bad after all, but Ivy's not buying it. Naomi thinks Ausscar may have learned his lesson, so Ivy throws up her arms and basically tells Naomi that she can do whatever she wants, but it will be at the expense of their friendship.
Annie and Dixon bring Liam into La Casa Nueva, where he will be staying until he recovers from his ass-kicking. Annie personally threatens to beat him up if he doesn't stay, so he relents.
That night, Ivy's dad is excited about the prime rib at the Beach Club. Ivy says she doesn't eat much meat because MILF is a vegetarian but humors him. She admits she's nervous and excited to see him. He says he's been trying to get in touch for a while, but MILF told him to keep his distance. Ivy tells him she's not speaking with MILF, and they bond over mutual loathing. They look forward to the chance to start over, starting with caroling at his house this Christmas. Ivy looks forward to celebrating the commercial renaissance of our Lord and Savior, as opposed to the dinky Winter Solstice fiesta MILF has planned.
Over at the Gothic Garage, Silver jumps around giddily at the size of AAdrianna's new place. She is halted mid-hop from awkwardness when she claps eyes on Navid. Since Naomi had one too many blueberry cocktails, and Annie and Dixon bailed to nurse Liam, Silver and he are the only two who showed up to the sleepover. Well, that is unless count Beyoncé. Did I mention that's the name of AAdrianna's Chihuahua? Ugh. This night won't be awkward at all! They take it out to the hot tub, where AAdrianna obliviously tells her jittery friends to relax, then leaves immediately to get her holiday present from Victor. Silver and Navid can't get out of the water fast enough.
Inside, AAdrianna gives Victor a chilly reception as he hands her his Christmas/housewarming/apology gift -- a cashmere blanket and a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne. It's meant to be a joke since she called him a wet blanket earlier. Silver and Navid watch uncomfortably in the background as she acts like a royal bitch, telling him to return the blanket himself. Victor leaves, and Navid tells AAdrianna she was pretty harsh. She correctly notes that Navid has hated Victor from the start since he treated AAdrianna so horribly, but it doesn't justify what a self-righteous, pompous monster AAdrianna has become.
MILF enters Ivy's room as Ivy practices guitar for her dad's caroling extravaganza. MILF excitedly tells Ivy she bought them both tickets to Rome, where they can celebrate the solstice together. Ivy coldly tells her that she's made other plans with her dad. She calls MILF out for telling her dad to stay away from Ivy. MILF says her ex is untrustworthy, which Ivy finds ironic considering how many of MILF's lies and indiscretions have recently come to light. She tells MILF to go to Italy without her.
Gothic Garage. Navid wakes up to Beyoncé's whimpers. He takes the pooch down for a walk and finds Silver getting a late-night glass of water. Navid tells her he can't stop thinking about her and asks if these feelings are all in his head. She unconvincingly says yes, so he steps closer and asks again. As she struggles to speak, AAdrianna startles them by calling out from above. She tells them she had "the most horrible nightmare" -- that she and Miley Cyrus were wearing the same outfit to the Grammys. "I'm literally shaking," she moans. Jackass.
The day, Naomi and Silver skate around an outdoor ice rink. Naomi says it's cheesy, but Silver thinks she's just jealous that AAdrianna's party has Justin Bieber (by the latke table), Jeremy Piven, Rachel Zoe, and... elves! Seriously. Little people dolled up as elves, tethered together along with studs dressed like reindeer, pulling AAdrianna around the rink as she sings "Santa Baby." Did anyone else just vomit?
Annie attends to Liam's wounds over at La Casa Nueva. They share an almost-kiss, but CC knocks on the door. Liam angrily tells him to get out. Annie runs after CC and promises to keep him in the loop. They plan to see each other and kiss each other goodbye, but Annie looks torn between the brothers.
Back at the party, AAdrianna pulls out a damn note card like she's just won an award, then gives everyone an obnoxiously overblown history lesson in which she sort of compares herself to Jesus and claims she's "living a miracle." Everyone who's not a sycophant looks distinctly uncomfortable. She finally wraps up, and the group disperses. Dixon talks to Teddy about what a difference a year has made. He runs down the highlights: AAdrianna's burgeoning career, Naomi's personal crisis, and the end of his relationship with Ivy. He says Teddy's also gone through a pretty big change himself. Teddy nervously asks what he means. Dixon mentions that Teddy can't play tennis anymore, and Teddy's all, "Oh yeah... that."
Beach club. Ivy just showed her dad her surfing skills, and he's very impressed. She admits she'd love to be a pro surfer, maybe as soon as she gets out of high school. She thinks he probably wants her to go to college, though. He plays coy but eventually spills the beans that MILF set up their divorce settlement so he would pay for Ivy's college. Since he has more children now, he would like Ivy to help him convince MILF that it's her responsibility to foot the bill for Ivy's education. Then he drops back into casual chat mode, reminding her to come to his house for Christmas, like what he's said was just something that popped into his head no big deal. Ivy's heart sinks as she realizes that her dad has been angling for this all along.
Back at the party, AAdrianna sits in front of a tree that belongs in a mall, opening presents that she squeals wildly about loving, then cattily stage-whispers to Navid to throw in the return pile. He quickly tires of her two-faced bullshit and heads outside. On the way, he runs into a waiter who's giving the hard sell for the figgy pudding. The waiter continues on to Ivy, who is as full of pep as ever and tells him -- despite his not caring one bit -- that she's leaving. As she walks out, she crosses paths with Naomi and gives her the basic idea that her dad was just hanging out with her for selfish motivations.
Back inside, AAdrianna gets a replacement gift from Victor with a card that reads, "May this holiday season bring you everything you deserve." She opens the box to find a picture of Victor holding the songbook AAdrianna stole from Javier. The crowd puzzles over what the gift could mean, but AAdrianna gets the drift immediately and runs off.
Ivy returns home, where MILF has skipped her flight. She says Naomi called her and filled her in on Ivy's disastrous meet-up with her dad. Ivy tearfully tells MILF that her dad didn't miss her at all and that he's more concerned about his "real" kids than he is about her. She concedes MILF was right about her dad and collapses into MILF's arms. MILF joins in on the crying and apologizes that they don't have a normal family, or celebrate normal holidays. She apologizes for everything that happened with Ausscar and her various other failings as a mother. Ivy sobs that she need MILF to love her. They hug and cry it out.
Gothic Garage. AAdrianna tears through her things searching for the songbook, finally calling Victor, who is celebrating with champagne at a bar. He tells her he's getting his payback by selling her story to various Internet "journalists" and People magazine. He hangs up and puts the moves on the nearest bimbo by offering her a cashmere blanket. Well, it is a little more original -- and seasonal! -- than "What's your sign?"
Downstairs, Ausscar arrives at the party and gets an eyeful of Naomi as she dances with some of the elves. She takes a call from Ivy, who thanks her for calling her mother. Naomi admits she can be self-centered and boy crazy but says she does care about her friends, and Ivy is one of her friends. Ivy tells Naomi that she won't stand in the way if Naomi wants to date Ausscar. They agree to disagree on this topic, much like the blueberry Brazilians. They hang up, and Ivy pounds at their solstice piñata and yells out all the things she would have hated about spending the holidays with her father. The piñata finally bursts, and they dissolve into giggles as they pick up the candy.
La Casa Nueva. Annie wakes up a sleeping Liam. He thanks her and apologizes for making her miss AAdrianna's party. She tells him it felt like her heart stopped when she found out he was in the hospital. She says she wouldn't be okay if he wasn't okay. He apologizes for lashing out at CC. He acknowledges that some of his anger stems from the fact that it's hard to see Annie with CC. Liam tells Annie he's in love with her and has been for a long time. She finally gives in to her feelings, and leans into him.
Party. The figgy pudding guy follows Navid out to the pool, but Navid says no. I suspect he's more of a monkey bread kind of a guy. Silver joins Navid outside. He says he's sorry for making things awkward between them. He gets down on himself for wrecking his family and their relationship, which was the only thing left making him happy. Silver listens sadly to his outpouring of emotions until she can't take it anymore. She finally admits that his feelings weren't one-sided. She has developed feelings for him, too. Navid leans in, and they kiss with months of pent-up emotion.
Upstairs, AAdrianna finds the first report of her grave robbing has hit the Internet. She looks up, horrified at what is to come. Or maybe she finally realized what a hideous house she signed a six-month contract on.
Downstairs, Ian finishes a Broadway-Kid-turned-piano-bar-singer rendition of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" and makes a beeline for the figgy pudding. Of course. Teddy asks him if they can speak privately. They head into a quiet stairwell, where Teddy tells Ian he's the only person he feels comfortable talking to. Ian suggests he finds a good therapist. Teddy says that Ian has had years to become comfortable with being gay, but Teddy's only had a few months. He says the one thing he's sure about is that he wants to be with Ian and asks if Ian can give him sometime while he figures out all the rest. Ian pulls Teddy in closer, saying he knows where Teddy is coming from and will be okay to keep their relationship quiet for a little while. As they kiss, Dixon wanders to the stairwell looking for someone and discovers Teddy's secret.
Over at La Casa Nueva, Annie is in bed looking all kinds of naked when she gets a text message from CC asking about Liam. She texts back that he's asleep. She rolls over and, sure enough, he's asleep right to her, also nekkid. She crawls into the nook of his shoulder and considers what a horrible person she is... but also that Liam's sexiness is totally worth it.
Meanwhile, Naomi leaves Ausscar a giddy little message as she returns to her apartment. She tells him he's hot but that she's going to be a good friend to Ivy. As she tells Ausscar she's happy to be alone right now, the camera pans over to reveal that she is very much not alone. Cannon in da house. Dun dun dunnnnn!
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