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AAdrianna carries on with her world tour of haggery. She invites all her "non-famous" friends for a thank-you lunch but can't be bothered to catch up with them because she's too busy Tweeting quips about herself. When she starts texting during a heart-to-heart about Navid's broken family, he loses it and tells her he's sickened by her unbelievable self-absorption. AAdrianna proves his point by being flabbergasted and enlisting Silver, of all people, to convince Navid to give her another chance. Silver dutifully attempts to do as much until Navid admits he is developing feelings for her. The words are still hanging in the air when AAdrianna sweeps Navid away for a surprise, romantic dinner date. She showers him with seductive kisses and promises to be a more attentive girlfriend, so Navid caves and sleeps with her. Though I'm guessing it's the last time.
Ivy continues to give her MILF the cold shoulder after the Ausscar debacle. MILF tracks down the Down Under Douche and tells him to make it right, so he explains how MILF ruined his life and apologizes earnestly to Ivy for ruining hers. He ends the night with Naomi, as they commiserate about how they're both horrible, traumatized people. She came to this conclusion after deciding to date again. After piggybacking onto Ivy's friend circle and lying to a hot surfer about being the new millennial Gidget, she succeeds in getting him to go out with her, then nearly fails at life -- literally -- when she's taken out by the first wave she comes across.
Debbie, with some urging from the kids, also decides to play the field. She posts a highly popular online profile and invites one of her cyber suitors on a date. He turns out to be a bore. She returns to the arms of Matthews, even though they both agreed that starting something up would be awkward on lots of levels. I, for one, can't wait to see Matthews lead the Wilson kids in a round of Christmas carols come Christmas morning.
In also-rans, Teddy realizes he has developed feelings for Ian after Silver -- feeling dejected about Navid -- throws herself at him. And Loony Laura explains to Liam that she started selling drugs to impress her street thug ex-boyfriend (whose name, of course, is Dax). They run into Dax, and Liam tries to make her feel better by posing as her boyfriend. Since no good deed goes unpunished, Dax and a friend jump Liam.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Lots of secret sex between Ausscar, Ivy and Ivy's MILF; Teddy and Ian; Debbie and Matthews, and hopefully between Silver and Navid by the midseason cliffhanger.
Navid wakes up on Silver's couch. He apologizes for barging in to her place and complaining all night about his personal dramas. She says it's okay but teases him that he passed out mid-sentence. They're both glad that he came over. A split-second after Silver puts a tentative hand on Navid's leg, his phone rings. It's AAdrianna, yammering about her adventures at Voyeur the night before. She says she has the morning free and offers to meet him at his house. He quickly covers that he's out running errands and offers to come to her house. After he hangs up, he and Silver agree that it's easier and much less complicated to ignore the fact that he spent the night at her place. Most of all for them. He slurps down the coffee she made for him and departs, leaving her scratching her head with a pained look on her face -- and not just because her perplexingly butch coiffure has resurfaced.
West Bev. Teddy finds Ian in the quad to thank him for the late night rescue mission at the gay bar. Teddy tells Ian he's confused, adding by means of compensation that he's been with a lot of girls -- A LOT! Ian shrugs an okay. Teddy asks him not to tell anyone what happened between them. It seems kind of a moot point given how many opportunities Ian has already had, but whatever keeps that closet nice and cozy for you, ace.
Out in the parking lot, Matthews crosses paths with Debbie, who's dropping off Dixon's college applications. They bond over the terrifying, Walken-like guidance counselor, and Matthews offers to drop off Dixon's paperwork for Debbie. She starts to walk off, but he stops her. They agree that the other night was surprising, crazy and fun. They establish the many strains of awkwardness running through a potential relationship between them. Namely that Matthews is a teacher to the kids and a friend to Harry. Debbie suggests they should consider their dalliance a one-off, and Matthews reluctantly agrees.
Inside, Silver helps Ian hang posters for a luau that weekend. As they walk down the hall, they awkwardly run into Teddy. Silver gets angry all over again for what a bigoted bastard Teddy was during the bachelor auction and apologizes on his behalf. Ian assures her that Teddy's not actually a bad guy. Without giving too much away, he tells her they spoke, Teddy apologized, and they're cool. "I know that's not who he really is," he says longingly.
Beach. Naomi, Silver and AAdrianna lay out while Ivy practices for a surf competition that weekend and trudges on in her foolish attempt to make girlfriends. She does herself no favors by looking down on the girls for coming to the beach even though they don't swim or look at the ocean. The ladies can't be bothered to take offense because they're scoping out surfers. Naomi, in particular, thinks it's time to move on from her Cannon drama. A guy named Zach (a.k.a. Carter from Make It Or Break It, squee!) approaches and talks shop with Ivy. Naomi forcefully inserts herself in the conversation, pretending she knows all about the breakers in Cabo and Bali. She invites him to catch some waves, and they set a date for after the competition. After he leaves, Naomi asks Ivy if she can teach her to surf in a couple of days. "Oh yeah," snarks Ivy, "and water-ski and wind surf, too." The sass is totally lost on Naomi, who is watching the Zach Attack's ass in the distance.
La Casa Nueva. Annie and Dixon gravely tell Debbie they need to talk to her and ask her to take a seat. She looks at them seriously, as they tell her it's time for her to start dating again now that Harry's happily shacked up with another woman. Debbie agrees, so they launch into a tutorial on the dating profile they set up for her. They debate over pictures -- Dixon wants a sultry one in bed, and Debbie definitely nixes one in which she's eating a banana. She admits she's wary, and they promise to screen for sex predators. She agrees to humor them, as long as she can take it slow.
Beach Club. Sleazy Victor finds AAdrianna to tell her that her single is doing so well, the record company has tripled her advance. He tells her it's only the beginning. Credits.
That night, Liam escorts Loony Laura home from a drug run. She wants to hang out at some hotel that wraps foie gras with cotton candy. Liam says with disgust -- and not just because that nastiness belongs on This Is Why You're Fat -- that he'd rather hang out with his friends. She offers to invite his friends, then proposes they go to a movie. He tells her gruffly that he'll never be into her. Laura starts whimpering, so he apologizes for being harsh. She explains that she's still hung up on her ex-boyfriend, Dax. She describes him as beautiful and tortured, saying he grew up in foster homes and spent six months in juvie. "He's got Robert Downey Jr.'s soul and Zac Efron's body," she swoons. She tells Liam she started dealing drugs to prove to Dax that she's not your run-of-the-mill Bev Niner goody two-shoes. She starts blubbering again about what a loser she is, so Liam offers to get the gross cotton candy thing, but she's too far gone into the self-esteem abyss of teenage girlhood.
MILF Manor. Ivy comes in for the night. Laurel extends an olive branch, suggesting they pick back up an old tradition and go to their favorite seafood restaurant after her competition. Ivy will have none of it. Laurel pleads to Ivy that she's her best friend, but Ivy shuts her down cold.
The day, AAdrianna mingles her new friends and her old, "non-famous" friends for a patronizing lunch in which she thanks them for standing by her through her journey and promises never to forget them. All the "normal" people stifle snickers while the new hangers-on blow smoke up AAdrianna's ass to the tune of "Rihanna and Gaga, watch your backs, bitches." Which of course they have to immediately Tweet. Because it doesn't exist if it's not on Twitter. AAdrianna asks Liam and Dixon what's been going on with them recently, but less than a minute after they start to tell her, her phone rings with a message from Victor, and it's back to The AAdrianna Show.
On the sidelines, Silver gives Teddy a near heart attack when she tells him she heard "what happened" between him and Ian. Then she clarifies that she knows Teddy apologized, and he resumes breathing. She compliments him for stepping up. Teddy says that's not who he is and that Ian is a good guy. She invites him to the luau the day.
Their conversation is interrupted by a piercing shriek when one of the hangers-on (a.k.a. Lisa Luder from Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, in case you were wondering) learns that Ashton Kutcher is following AAdrianna on Twitter. AAdrianna decides to DM him, at which point the "normal" folk can take it no more and decide to leave. As they head out, the hangers-on spot paparazzi outside, and AAdrianna wholeheartedly embraces herself as a cliché, moaning, "Ugh, they're such vultures! I can't believe they tracked me down." She hands Navid her purse to and walks out into the flashing lights. Navid groans that one of the waiters must have tipped them off, at which point Lisa Luder laughs at his ignorance and informs him that AAdrianna called the paps herself.
Beach club. Ausscar and MILF happen upon the bar at the same time. She tells him that Ivy is a wreck and asks how he can be so cruel. He reminds MILF that she was a driving factor in his mother's death. MILF admits she made a terrible mistake but qualifies that she didn't hurt anyone intentionally, unlike him. She tells him Ivy didn't deserve anything he threw at her and says that she was all that Ivy had. Now Ivy has no one. This seems to penetrate Ausscar's icy heart.
Casa Nueva. Debbie calls Harry's new place and is unhappily greeted by his new girlfriend. She does everything she can to get off the phone as quickly as possible, then bolts to the other room to ask the kids about her online dating profile. They log in and find she got 65 responses in the last day. Annie warns her that there will be some frogs in the mix, and they start to read the suitors' profiles. The first is an attorney with the heart of a poet... or, as it were, a greeting card writer, since he claims to enjoy "long walks on the beach." Nix! Dixon notes that the possible is a doctor, but Debbie says a podiatrist isn't exactly what she had in mind. They settle on a foxy, bespectacled 45-year-old named David. Annie thinks Debbie should take the step and ask him out for coffee. Debbie remains hesitant, but Annie has already sent the e-mail.
Over at MILF Manor, Naomi has arrived for her surfing lesson and is hoping Ivy has a wetsuit that shows a lot of cleavage. Ivy tries to teach Naomi the basics of surfing, but Naomi explains she was just using the surfing ruse as an ice breaker. She plans to paddle out with him and talk him to death out on the open water. Or, as she puts it, "win him over with [her] trademark charm." Ivy worries how Naomi will respond to an actual wave and thinks she might be better served to relocate their dinner to a nice restaurant. As Naomi dismisses that notion, the doorbell rings. Naomi says it's AAdrianna, whom she called in for a "surf style consultation." But it's not AAdrianna at the door. It's Ausscar, brooding and pouting in his deep V-neck T-shirt. Before Ivy can slam the door in his face, he begins a tirade about how MILF destroyed his life and how he thought revenge would make him feel better. He admits that it didn't and that Ivy didn't deserve the hurt he put her through. He says he would take it all back if he could. She reminds him that he can't and tells him to leave her alone. Inside, Naomi concedes that Ausscar's actions were deeply messed-up but vouches that he seemed sincere in his apology. Ivy says it's too late.
Over at AAdrianna's house, Navid sits by patiently as she fiddles around on her phone some more. She finally clicks out and asks if he wants to watch a movie. He says he needs to get home to his family, so she asks how things are going. He gets about 10 words out before her phone chimes again. She starts clicking away, all, "I'm listening!" He tells her angrily that he doesn't really want to go home but was making an excuse because he can barely stand being around her anymore. He calls her out for acting like a diva starlet and tells her it's making him sick.
Surfing competition. AAdrianna is still on her phone as Naomi, Annie, and Silver ogle the surfers. AAdrianna tells the girls about her fight with Navid and that he called her selfish. Silver gives a half-assed, "Really?" AAdrianna admits Navid was right. She says she wouldn't know what to do with herself if she lost him and decides she must take action. Silver lets out another lackluster, "I hope it all works out." AAdrianna confirms she's oblivious as ever and asks Silver to help her figure out a way to get Navid back. Silver reluctantly agrees. Just then, Ivy rides a killer wave (or whatever surfers say), and Zach comes up to the girls. Naomi smirks, "She's just lucky I'm not out there," so Zach invites her to come paddle out with him.
Elsewhere, MILF forlornly watches Ivy receive her awards.
Over in the beach club, Debbie's date drones on about how he's in relentless, excruciating pain because what better to talk about on a first date? Though not entirely untrue of online dating, from what I hear. Debbie spots Matthews enter the club just as the guy is making an innuendo-laden offer to "check out [her] spinal column." Debbie politely says, "Maybe later," which he lasciviously takes as a hopeful sign.
Out on the ocean, Naomi is struggling to paddle out like she saw the girls in Blue Crush do. She tries to distract him from the waves with small talk, but he has his eyes on a sweet set coming in. He turns around and start paddling to catch the first wave, leaving her to get clocked in the face with her board. Back on the beach, he puts a bandage on her nose as she bitches about the ankle straps surfers wear. He explains with some frustration that those straps are to keep your board with you and also keep it from hurting other surfers. He finally notices (took long enough) that she's not really a surfer. She tries to spin it so that he's proud of being a big, strong hero, but he's irritated that she put them both in danger. She says, "Come on, it's not that bad. I don't even have to call my plastic surgeon." And that, my friends, is what we call the nail in the coffin.
Inside, Debbie tries to wrap up her date before dessert, but dimwitted David orders the chocolate soufflé. Debbie spots Matthews and excuses herself to the ladies room. She makes a point to bump into him and casually drop that her Internet date is going nowhere fast. Matthews confesses that he's not sorry to hear as much. They collapse into each and take their make-out session into the nearest room.
Back on the beach, Teddy, Dixon and Liam grouse about the luau food. Dixon, for some reason, is shocked to find pork on the menu. Because roasting a pig isn't a major luau tradition or anything. Liam says he has to pick up Laura, so Dixon gives him a hard time that he's totally whipped and not even getting laid. Liam shoots back, "I know. It's like I'm dating Ivy... Too soon?" Heh. He and Teddy high-five, then he tries to hug it out, but Dixon isn't having it. The conversation hits a lull, so Teddy spots Ian across the beach and looks at him yearningly, as he is wont to do. Silver breaks up his line of vision with whatever mohawk mullet situation she has decided to plunk on top of her head tonight. As she invites him to limbo with her, Navid calls Dixon. He hands the phone over to Silver, and they have a flirty video chat.
A ruffled Debbie exits the "bathroom" and returns to her date at the bar. She lies that there was a long line and practically has a spillover orgasm over a cup of coffee.
Beach. Liam has returned with Loony Laura, who catches sight of Dax and demands to leave immediately. Liam wraps his arm around her so she won't feel unwanted, or at least look that way to the ex. Dax and his friend look over at the two of them jealously, as Liam explains that he owes Laura one for getting him a job. He seals the deal with a kiss on the lips and a smirk back to Dax.
Down the beach, Silver drags Navid away from the buffet and to a more private spot. She asks if everything's okay, and he fills her in on the fight with AAdrianna. Silver tells him not to be so hard on AAdrianna and that she's dealing with a lot of changes in her life. As they talk, the surf comes up, and they grab onto each other. Navid takes their closeness as an excuse to tell him that his disenchantment with AAdrianna is not only because of her behavior, it's also because he has developed feelings for Silver. They look at each other for several moments, unsure what to say. She averts her eyes for a second, only to see that AAdrianna has found them and is ready to steal Navid away for a private dinner. She grabs his hand, so he walks away with her, taking a second glance at Silver as he goes.
AAdrianna takes Navid to a cabana festooned with candles, flowers and all the adornments of romance. She tells him that her success means nothing without him and apologizes for not showing her love enough. She promises to change into a better, more attentive, more appreciative girlfriend. She kisses him all over as the pain and guilt shows in his face. Her lips finally land on his, and he stop resisting.
Back on the beach, Silver revels that she won the limbo contest. Her face drops when she gets a thank-you text from AAdrianna. She admits she doesn't feel "hot" at that moment. Teddy begs to differ, saying she won the limbo contest because the guy in charge wanted to get more glimpses of her cleavage. She laughs and tells him she's glad they're friends again. They both acknowledge they missed one another. In a moment of desperation, Silver goes in for a kiss, but it's immediately clear that Teddy's not into it. She asks if he's into someone else now, and he admits for the first time out loud (and perhaps to himself) that he is.
Meanwhile, Ivy has oysters by herself and makes a long-time-coming call to her dad.
Beach club bar. Ausscar bellies up to the bar to Naomi and apologizes for interrupting her time with Ivy the day before. He confesses that what he did to Ivy was the worst thing he's ever done. He asks how she's feeling, and she says "not great." He acknowledges he doesn't know all the details but knows that Cannon did something truly horrible. She says she just wants to rip off the bandage and have everything to be better, normal again. He says unfortunately there's no quick fix sometimes and that the metaphorical bandage will fall off in due time. Besides, he says tapping the actual bandage on her nose, she looks pretty cute a little banged up. She snarks that it's hard to be so pretty and unhappy. He quips back, "Who wants to be ugly and happy anyway?" Which I think is pretty much the thesis statement of the whole show, slash much of America these days. Witness Bridalplasty. She says she's feeling peckish, so he orders some guacamole and offers his company for the evening.
Back outside, Teddy offers to help Ian clear up the decorations. They take some Tiki torches into a shed, and Teddy springs on him like a rabid hyena. Ian kisses him back a bit before they step back and look at each other with wondering eyes.
Elsewhere, Dax and his friend find Liam as he walks to his car. Dax tells Liam to stay away from "his girl." Liam acts all tough-guy and tells Dax Loony Laura's not his girl anymore. He turns around, giving Dax the chance to sucker-punch him in the kidney. Liam pops up and gets several good punches in at both guys. Eventually he falls. They punch and kick the toughness right out of him and walk away laughing.
week: AAdrianna throws a holiday party because, clearly, she is the greatest gift of all! Well, her and little people dressed as elves!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the CW shows we'd like to see cross over. And then watch vloggers Val and Beth compare the show to the original, below!
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.