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People's choices are the undercurrent driving this week's episode along, so let's start from the bottom up, shall we? Jen thinks she can curry favor with the other mothers by dressing her baby in leather pants (and no diaper, mind you) and groaning about the horror of motherhood. No dice. When that doesn't work, she nearly abducts one of the other children because she couldn't be bothered to look inside her stroller and make sure she had the right child. To her credit, Jen quickly catches on to the fact that she is a God-awful mother and feels pretty terrible about it -- especially after she drops little Jacques on his head. Oopsy babies! Long story, she decides to call it a do-over and flies the coop, leaving a note that Jacques will be better off without her. Good thinking, Jen. Being abandoned by his mother won't screw up that kid at all!
Also in the business of bad choices (literally) is Navid's father. When Navid confronts him about underage girls performing in his pornos, Mr. Shirazi plays it off as if he didn't know better. He promptly fires the girl in question, who comes griping back to Navid and informs that she wasn't the only pretty young thing at the Shirazi Shop. So Navid does the natural thing and enlists Silver to throw on a hooker dress and try her luck getting cast in a skin flick. Thankfully, before she actually hits the couch, she meets a lovely lass named Holly Woodlove, who confirms Navid's suspicions. In his emotional turmoil, Navid blurts to his guidance counselor that his father is a child pornographer and nearly kisses Silver.
Navid's move toward Silver is also a direct result of AAdrianna's decision to ditch him and walk the red carpet with Joe Jonas at the launch party for her magazine cover. She does so because Victor insists that she needs someone higher-profile to boost her image. The middle Jonas shows up and gives AAdrianna an even greater boost -- in self-confidence. She realizes that she's Victor's meal ticket and that he'll never expose her because of his own greed and cowardice. She turns the tables and cuts the sleazeball’s commission down to five percent.
Speaking of sleazeballs, Ausscar gets a well-deserved punch in the face at the top of the hour, courtesy of Dixon. Unfazed, he invites himself to the magazine party as Naomi's date. Ivy sees the unctuous charms at work and warns Naomi that Ausscar is a snake. They devise a plan to get him naked and humiliate him in front of a crowd of people, bonding ever so slightly along the way.
But back to mothers: Dixon accidentally opens a piece of mail for Debbie, which turns out to be divorce papers from Harry. Seeing that Debbie is still wearing her wedding ring, the Wilson kids hold out foolish hope that maybe Harry hasn't moved on either. They pop by his house unannounced and discover that he very much has in the form of a new girlfriend, whom they immediately go squeal to Debbie about. She pretends to have known and kept it from them, but she reveals to Matthews that she was blindsided by the news. At the end of the day, her brave face -- even if it's a put-on -- inspires Annie, who writes a college admissions essay about how Debbie is her hero. And not just because she's doesn't make a habit of hobo hit-and-runs.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Ausscar the man-hour set about ruining the bond between Ivy and her MILF -- through sex. AAdrianna's sleazy agent's gamble paid off when she proved enough of a fame whore to do a little soft-core for a magazine cover shoot. And Navid's dad, he of the actual whores and actual porn, took a gamble on hiring underage performers. That bet might not work out so well...
We open with an Annie voice-over: "History is largely told as a chronicle of great people doing great things, but for most of us life is not made up of big moments, it's made up of small moments. And with every small choice, with every small decision, we are defining ourselves. Are we proud of ourselves, or are we disappointed by who we've become? Life rarely turns out the way that we planned. The unexpected happens, and it surprises us with new and exciting possibilities." Under her monologue, we see a montage of what will presumably be the final scenes of this evening's show: Dixon receives a mysterious package in the mail ("small moments"), Silver and Navid allow a hug and a gaze into each other's eyes to last longer than friends should ("we're defining ourselves"), Jen weeps desperately while handing over her baby to Matthews ("are we disappointed by who we've become?"), AAdrianna looks starry-eyed and self-satisfied as she walks down the red carpet with Joe Jonas ("Life rarely turns out the way we planned"), and Naomi looks seductively into Ausscar's eyes before leading him out of a party at the beach club ("new and exciting possibilities"). I'm not sure what's making me groan more -- Annie getting the first word or Joe Jonas existing. At all.
As we cut to one day earlier, Annie VOs, "But sooner or later, reality hits you in the face." Cue Dixon ambushing Ausscar with a beat down. To his credit, Ausscar recovers like his face his made of stone and nods, accepting that he brought that sucker punch on himself.
Elsewhere, AAdrianna consults her ladies about outfits for the launch party of her magazine cover. While she tries on her clothes, Naomi coaches her own red carpet-appropriate posing. AAdrianna walks out in a white one-shouldered number, securing all the girls approval. "I'd do ya," says Naomi, then orders AAdrianna to work on her smolder for the cameras. AAdrianna's phone rings, and it's sleazy Victor, who informs her she's taking Joe Jonas to the party, not Navid as she had previously planned. Victor tells her she has to attend this "major media event" with someone who will boost her profile and won't take no for an answer.
Over at La Casa Nueva, Annie's Coffee Cutie pays her a visit for some... peer writing tutoring? He critiques her college admissions essay about, of all things, Margaret Thatcher's rise amid the Falklands War. Really writers? This is your version of new relationship flirting. Okay, Annie wins the groan contest.
Meanwhile, Matthews visits the Clarkette Compound and finds Jen readying their son for a baby fashion trunk show at the beach club the day. How is she doing this, you might ask? By dressing him like an extra from Newsies. She's going more Francophile -- if you believe Matthews' crack about Robespierre -- but I still have a feeling little Jacques' first words will be, "Get ya papes!" Jacques registers his objection to the outfit -- and probably to being named Jacques -- by going number two underneath his teeny weenie three-piece suit. Jen deems this rather mundane act "a total debacle" because she'll never get the little dandy's outfit cleaned in time. Apparently Mother of the Year over here has never heard of diapers and/or -day dry cleaning. And who buys dry-clean-only for an infant anyway? The kind of mother who wants to get mothering tips from other mothers at a high-end baby fashion trunk show, I guess. Word of advice, Momzilla, talk to the nannies. Oh wait, Jen has heard of diapers, she just opts not to put them on her dozen-poops-a-day baby because they "ruin the line of his clothing." Wonders never cease.
Casa Nueva. Annie tosses a pile of envelopes in Dixon's lap. He wonders what they are, and she tells him that college application season is starting. He opens up an envelope and says, "Oh my God" when he sees the divorce papers inside and realizes he accidentally opened an envelope addressed to Debbie. Neither kid can believe things are becoming this official. They take Debbie's habit of wearing her wedding ring as a sign that she still has hope for her relationship with Harry. They decide Harry needs to know this little piece of information, oblivious to the obvious fact that these papers didn't just appear from nowhere. Harry sent them, kids. The jig is up.
Beach club. Mr. Shirazi notices Navid's sullen behavior and asks him what's wrong. Navid skirts the issue by saying he saw some of his father's movies. Mr. Shirazi cuts him off to tell him masturbation is a perfectly natural thing. An embarrassed Navid breaks the news that one of his underage classmates was in one of Mr. Shirazi's film. Mr. Shirazi thanks him for telling him and promises to straighten things out.
A bit later, Navid brings the Lambo down to the beach to meet up with Dixon and Liam. They shoot the breeze about Navid's fear of sharks (inspired by Open Water), how Liam has distanced himself from Loony Laura's drug dealing, and somehow LeBron James. Eventually the conversation meanders to Dixon punching Ausscar. Just as Dixon tells the guys what happened between Ausscar and Ivy, the two-timing tomboy herself rolls up. The guys leave Ivy and Dixon alone so she can apologize and tell Dixon she still loves him. He gives her the cold shoulder.
AAdrianna shows up a few breaks later to break the news to Navid about her date with Joe Jonas. She tries to gloss over the fact that she's ditching Navid, claiming he can still come to the party -- just not as her date. Navid sees through her Hollywood line of bull. He tells her he's sick of Victor pulling her strings, then drives off. Credits.
Beach club. Jen strolls up with little Jacques -- whom she's probably plied with sedatives and corked in the ass -- to the other mothers at the trunk show. She tries to wow them with her banter about what hateful creatures babies are, but for some reason they're unimpressed. Guess I was wrong on the sedatives because Jacques starts crying (baby translation: "Rescue me!"). Jen picks him up to reveal that she has put that damn baby in leather pants and a zebra print beanie. The other mothers worry that he might be overheated, but Jen assures that all of us must suffer for fashion. Especially infants, those un-chic bastards. Another mother takes Jacques off Jen's hands, and he's immediately calmed by her natural maternal instincts, not to mention her lack of resentment and disdain for him. Jen sees this reaction and feels like less of a mother, if that's even possible.
Over at West Bev, Naomi finds Ausscar in the quad and thanks him for helping her find out Cannon's past. He assumes she'll be thanking him by way of a date, then invites himself along to AAdrianna's magazine party before she can get a word in.
Cafeteria. Navid and Liam are fiercely debating the merits of various superpowers when Ivy interrupts to invite them to hang out after school. They clam up, explaining that they don't know where they stand with her given the circumstances with Dixon. She pretends she's fine with it and makes a quick departure.
Beach club. Jen heads her stroller to the car and starts loading up when her maternal nemesis from before runs up screaming. Jen asks snippily if she forgot to pay for something, but the mother says that Jen took the wrong baby. As she frantically hugs her baby, Jen tries to pawn it off to the fact that they have identical strollers, but I'm pretty sure that excuse only works if you're a man.
Back at West Bev, Naomi finds Ivy crying in the bathroom. Ivy claims she's fine, but Naomi hands her some cover-up to conceal the blotches anyway. Instead of saying thank you, Ivy makes it some feminist statement about how she can't be friends with girls. Naomi shrugs it off because Ivy wasn't really even worth the amount of time Naomi gave her already.
Out in the hall, Navid's girl locker tells him off for getting her fired. He tells her to get a job at the Beverly Center like any other high schooler. She tells him that he and all the other rich kids have no idea what real life is like. He responds that she could have gotten his dad in serious trouble. She finds that rich, insisting that Mr. Shirazi not only knew she was underage but also has plenty more minors on his payroll.
Navid takes that information and heads straight to the Blaze room, where Silver is finishing up a segment with the principal. He tells her that he's freaking out about his dad hiring underage actors. She says she wishes she could help, and a he gets a steely look in his eyes.
Elsewhere, Dixon and Annie knock on Harry's door only to find that he's shacking up a new woman named Katie. She invites them in since Harry is going to be home soon, but they say they have to get going. They awkwardly ask her to tell Harry they came by, and she responds by even more awkwardly hugging them both.
Over at Clarkette Compound, Matthews asks about the trunk show. Jen spits on the memory those other mothers, who "were boring and gauche and dressed their babies off the rack." Jacques begins to cry, and Matthews offers to help out. Jen jumps up defensively, saying, "I can change a diaper, Ryan. I'm not an idiot!" What she is, however, is someone with a subpar attention span. She sets Jacques on the changing table, then wanders off to get something (shouldn't it all be on the table). While her back is turned, Jacques rolls over, falls a good four feet, and lands with a thud. Jen immediately dissolves into tears, handing over Jacques to Matthews. She says she's a terrible mother and recounts her various humiliations throughout the day. Matthews comforts her, promising her that she is the most important person in his life and will be the one who makes Jacques the man he is meant to become. At least I hope it's comforting to Jen because that shit is terrifying to a third-party observer.
Back at West Bev, Ivy spies Ausscar from a distance as he flirts with Naomi about their "rendezvous" that night. Ausscar departs, and Ivy approaches Naomi to ask what's going on between the two of them. She tries to warn Naomi about Ausscar's malicious ways, but she cocks it up by prefacing the warning by calling Naomi shallow and manipulative. Naomi starts to walk away, though she does look intrigued when Ivy calls Ausscar evil.
Over in a lower-rent part of town, Silver has donned a too-tight cheetah print hooker dress and a hot pink bra for an undercover sting operation at Shirazi Cinema. She meets a trampy Reese Witherspoon knock-off called Holly Woodlove, who compliments her porn-ready name and assures her that "they need girls with small breasts, too." Silver says she's nervous because she's not 18 yet, but Holly -- who did movies when she was 17 -- directs her to a place where she can get a fake ID and says that the casting directors will take anything, even if it doesn't look like her. When the casting director calls Silver, she makes an excuse about leaving some papers in her car and bolts out of there. She meets Navid outside and tells him the awful truth.
La Casa Nueva. The kids walk in, and Debbie points to the divorce papers that they opened earlier. They tell her about the ill-conceived visit to Harry's place and tell her about Katie. Debbie says she knew already but didn't want to upset them. She asks them to be happy for Harry and offers herself as a sounding board if they need to talk.
Clarkette Compound. Naomi stops by for a visit at Jen's request. Jen hands over a pair of gold stilettos that Naomi can wear to the magazine party and gives Naomi keys to the house as well as full access to her closet. Naomi doesn't know what to make of this new friendly demeanor, nor of the fact that Jen is opting to stay in with Jacques that night instead of attending the party, but she shrugs it off. Post-partum, party of one!
Downtown, Joe Jonas finds AAdrianna as she primps for the party. She thanks him for helping her boost her image, and he quips that he's hoping being seen with her will squash the rumors he's dating Lady Gaga. He breaks down the publicity date process for her, then consults which tie he should wear. Victor storms in and tears down AAdrianna's confidence with a single sentence, telling her she looks bad in white. Joe encourages her not to change, but she insists it's no big deal.
Back at Shirazi Entertainment, Navid confronts his dad about his questionable hiring practices. Mr. Shirazi refuses to answer the question and tells Navid he expects a life full of fast cars and fancy beach club memberships but doesn't consider that those things were given to him thanks to his dad's work. He harshly tells Navid to leave the worrying to the grown-ups. When Navid stands there, chin on the ground, Mr. Shirazi spits, "Get the Hell out of my office."
Navid heads back to West Bev immediately to tell the guidance counselor he'll be rewriting his Stanford admission essay because his father is no longer the person he admires the most in the world. She asks if something's wrong, and he spills that his father is a child pornographer. With that not entirely accurate bombshell dropped, exploded, and ricocheting all over the counselor's office, he leaves.
That night, Ausscar compliments Naomi as they walk into the party. She tells him that Ivy warned her to stay away but pawns it off to Ivy's jealousy of her. She lowers her tone seductively and invites Ausscar to go somewhere more private.
In another room, Matthews finds Debbie fretting over Jen's schedule. She's clearly falling apart, so he forces her to say what's wrong. She admits that she didn't really know that Harry had moved on and now feels like the last 18 years of her life were for nothing. He pulls her in for a hug.
Outside, Naomi coyly challenges Ausscar to a race to see who can strip down faster and go skinny-dipping. As she giggles and makes a big show of taking off her shows, he quickly gets buck-naked and hops in the water. As he tells her the water's cold and invites her in to warm him up, Ivy strides up. He recognizes the charade quickly and asks for his clothes back. As they go back and forth, a crowd grows. Ivy tells Ausscar she'll only give him his clothes back if he grovels in front of everyone. He angrily issues a profusion of apologies, but Ivy doesn't buy them. She walks off with his clothes, and Naomi turns on the lights in the pool so everyone can get a look at Ausscar's "cocktail frank."
Inside, Navid joins Silver and tells her about the blow-out with his father. She assures him he's not a spoiled rich kid and brings him in for a hug. She tells him he doesn't deserve to be treated like his dad treated him. As they pull out, they look into each other's eyes deeply. Just as they are about to lean in, Dixon and Liam bust in, telling them the red carpet is starting. They snap out of it, almost.
On the red carpet, Joe Jonas talks AAdrianna through her influx of emotions, telling her she's beautiful, a star and totally deserving of all the attention she's getting. Her friends watch from the background as Victor tries to orchestrate her appearance. She and Joe walk up to an interviewer from E! who asks her how long she and Joe have been dating. Victor signals what she should say, but she ignores him completely. She insists she and Joe are just friends, then pulls Navid up to the carpet and introduces him as her boyfriend and "the most amazing person I know." The interview wraps up, and Silver looks distinctly uncomfortable.
Over at West Bev, the guidance counselor stops by the principal's office to tell her the "very disturbing" news about Navid's father.
Back at the party, Ivy thanks Naomi for her help with Ausscar. Naomi mocks Ivy's rough-around-the-edge style by calling her "rude and abrasive and in desperate need of a makeover," then tells her she still didn't deserve what Ausscar did to her. Naomi asks Ivy if she now thinks girls have more to offer than cover-up. As they agree they should make a "Hos Before Bros" T-shirt, Naomi gets a text message and says she has to leave. She tries to get in a girl power high five from Ivy, which is pushing it a bit too far really, but Ivy finally relents, snarking, "Whatever it takes to shut you up." Yeah, that's really going to be the start of a beautiful friendship. Ugh.
Across the room, AAdrianna apologizes for putting Navid through the ringer and gives him a kiss to smooth things over. Victor interrupts to have a word with AAdrianna. He asks her what she was thinking. She says she was thinking, "I'm famous." He tells her she won't be if the truth comes out. She tells him she has a feeling his money-hungry nature will outweigh his thirst for vengeance. She gives him the choice to out her and lose his cash cow or to submit to her terms so they can both keep making money. She whittles him down to five percent, mainly because he's an a-hole.
La Casa Nueva. Annie reads her rewritten essay to Debbie. It's the same voice-over we heard earlier in the evening, and now it's set over a different series of shots: Naomi finds Matthews holding a note Jen left behind, along with Jacques; Silver catches Navid's eye as he chats with AAdrianna across the party; Ivy tosses Ausscar's clothes over a bridge. Annie picks up where she finished last time: "But sooner or later reality hits you in the face." She goes on to talk about Debbie's strength, grace, and resilience since the divorce. Debbie cries from joy that Annie considers her a hero. She hugs her and says, "You have no idea how much I needed to hear that."
week: Sexy times at La Nueva Casa -- for Debbie and Matthews, at least. Annie also tries to get some one-on-one time with Coffee Cutie, but the handful of other people in the room get an eyeful instead.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the CW shows we'd like to see cross over. And then watch vloggers Val and Beth compare the show to the original, below!
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