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Tonight most of the kids attend The Undies, West Bev's celebration of underachievement, so what better place to start than with Matthews? The shaggy teach carries on with his quest to take back the night for Naomi. In doing so, he manages to get Cannon suspended -- and also himself. Cocksure Cannon threatens to sue Naomi for her entire trust fund when her case falls apart. Considering she's hinging said case on the testimony of a drunken ragamuffin with a love child and a history of leaving blazing West Bev signs in his wake... it really does look for a while like Naomi might be wise to immediately make several large deposits to untraceable accounts in Cayman and Swiss bank accounts.
But the story pricks up (pun intended) when Ausscar, who has suddenly become super-English, weasels his way into the fracas by becoming a bizarre, yet integral plot connector. He at once takes a liking to the bitchy antics of Naomi and isolates hints of Cockney in Cannon's accent, specifically linking him to the rough-and-tumble neighborhood of Dagenham. Ausscar offhandedly mentions the Dagenham connection to Naomi, and they discover via the Internet that Cannon is actually a repeat sex offender named Douglas Atherton. They take the matter to the police, and it's confirmed that Cannon is a serial rapist, which strengthens Naomi's significantly. Naturally, Ausscar takes this coup as another chance to hit on Naomi -- because nothing gets a girl in the mood for love like Googling her rapist. When Naomi follows the cops to Cannon's house for his arrest, she learns the naughty professor has fled the country and taken her hopes of justice and peace with him.
Speaking of sexual deviants and those whose live they destroy, Ivy may just be scarred for life by her run-in with Ausscar -- and I'm not just talking about her hymen, oh! She hesitantly gets back together with Dixon, who is so desperate to repent for his lies and HIV scares that he doesn't realize how weird things have suddenly become between her and the flop-mopped Lothario. It's only a matter of time until Ivy informs Dixon that Sex Wax means more to her these days than something one slathers on your board. Gnarly!
On another steadily breaking relationship front, AAdrianna's sleaze-tainted career continues to get in the way of her relationship with Navid. He isn't happy about her shifting priorities but has his own in the form of befriending a girl who has moved into the locker to his and who mysteriously hates him, not to mention beating Harper the Harpy at West Bev's actual Achievement Awards (the much less popular source material for The Undies). Navid ends up taking himself out of the running for the coveted Leadership Award once he learns Harper's father is an emotionally abusive bastard who might disown her if she doesn't win. But who needs scholarships and accolades when you're a Persian Jew with a porn director father? Speaking of which, Navid suddenly recognizes the girl whose locker is to his once performed in one of his father's movies. The catch? She's a high school student.
And then there were two: Liam and Teddy strangely bond over their own emasculation when Loony Laura uses Liam as walking display case for her burgeoning handbag empire, and Teddy fights rumors that balls are the only thing to get his tennis racket swinging. While Liam trudges around with a sourpuss on all night, per usual, Teddy finds comfort in non-medical Mary Jane furnished by some extra who may or may not be Matthews in a knit cap. Liam's story arc also veers toward the narcotic when it turns out Laura's purses were only a ploy for her ascent to becoming the cocaine queenpin of the Bev Niner.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Dixon lied. Ivy cheated. AAdrianna stole. Teddy was trapped in the closet. Liam was stuck in a window display. Naomi found an unlikely savior in her rape case against Cannon: Matthews.
We open with Liam, who wakes up to find Looney Laura leering over him in a leopard print beret. He hops out of bed and puts his pants on, telling her to get to the point. She informs him that she's the Bev Niner's premiere handbag designer -- this show's answer to ShePratt, if you will. But maybe even dumber. Is that possible? She needs him to accompany her while she gets supplies. He offers to fetch the supplies for that, but our little Laura is way too crafty for that. She insists they go together and tells him that, for him, a shirt is optional.
West Bev. Navid skims a book at his locker when a pretty young thing approaches to claim the locker to his. He flirts with her that she's crushed his dreams of installing a mini fridge in her locker. She plays along as he says she looks familiar, then introduces himself by name. Her face turns hard, and she slams her locker and walks away.
Down the hall, Teddy notices girls whispering and giggling as he walks by. When Dixon approaches, he asks what's going on, and Dixon uncomfortably admits that Parker, for whom Teddy couldn't get it up, is spreading the word that Teddy is "shooting pool with a rope." Teddy insists he would never screw around because he wants to be with Silver, and things were good with her. That statement has about 43 elements of misinformation, inaccuracy, and delusion in it, but let's not start parsing this early in the show.
Out in the quad, Ausscar woos a blonde ditz with his fancy British words and a hands-on explanation of where he lives relative to London using her chest as a map. Ivy breaks up the sickly seduction, which gives Gillian Zinser the chance to remind us what a truly awful actress she is. Seriously, it's like KStew levels of "anger = constipated stuttering" acting technique. Ivy tries to convince Ausscar to go home, but he insists on finishing out his gap year in America. He insists that MILF deserved what she got and that Ivy is just collateral damage. Ivy calls him a repulsive human being and storms off.
Elsewhere, Navid shoots pool (not with a rope) with Dixon, Teddy, and Liam, all the while puzzling over why locker girl hates him so. Dixon snarks that maybe she's freaked out by the flat iron he keeps in his locker. Retorts Navid, "You know what? You guys just don't understand the curse of a Persian curl." Liam suggests maybe it's Navid's dumb jokes (example: "How do you get a Kleenex to dance? You put a little boogie in it!") Harper the Harpy interrupts to rub it in Navid's face that she's his top competition for this year's Leadership Award. They have a pissing contest about their various achievements over the past few years, and I actually think I just went back to my own high school. Glad to know Key Club is still the benchmark for self-worth for the rich overachievers. Liam breaks up the slap fight, and Dixon suggests they ditch the Achievement Awards and head to "The Undies," West Bev's annual celebration of underachievement. Dixon can't resist plugging that he's DJing. Helium-voiced Harper can't believe anyone would ever celebrate aiming low and bids Navid a frosty farewell with an actual psych-out handshake. Okay, now we just left my high school and went to the high school from Encino Man.
Over at the police station, Matthews promises to do anything Naomi needs to help her rape case against Cannon. The lady police officer has to break it to them that Matthews' drunken testimony isn't exactly the silver bullet this case needs. It's still a case of "he said, she said." Naomi sulks at her dismal prospects, but Matthews promises to stick by her side and points out to the hall -- where Annie, Silver, and AAdrianna are standing -- to remind her that she has many people in her corner. Naomi decides to press charges. Credits.
We rejoin the action at West Bev, where Naomi is engaged in a Mexican stand-off with a nonplussed secretary over whether Naomi's recent absences can be deemed "excused" or not. Naomi pulls out her full arsenal of threats and condescension -- including pulling out a pen that she claims is "worth more than" the secretary's car -- to avoid explaining her absences. All the while, Ausscar is watching with piqued interest from a distance. Eventually, Matthews breezes in and informs the secretary that Naomi's absences are indeed excused. The Perma Donna huffs out, stopping only to hiss at Ausscar, "What the Hell are you staring at?" "A vision," he lilts back. She rolls her eyes and leaves, and the secretary can't resist deadpanning, "What. A bitch." Ausscar agrees dreamily, fully bewitched, bothered, and bewildered by Naomi's haggery.
Out in the hall, Navid approaches the girl at the locker to ask why she suddenly turned cold toward him. She gives him the most specifically vague answer ever, insisting that they both know why they can't and won't befriend one another. She stamps off, leaving Navid as perplexed as ever.
Outside, Teddy finds Silver, who I am sad-glad to report has returned to her "drag king auditioning for a boy band" coiffure (shout out to Travis for that astute characterization!). Teddy apologizes, declares his love, and begs Silver for a chance to make things right. He wants to accompany her to the Achievement Awards. She spits, "Why? Is Parker busy?" then thinks better of it. Parker isn't really the problem, Teddy is. She tells Teddy to move on because they won't be getting back together.
Inside, Navid has a hilariously awkward conversation with some Goth girl who insists that her piece on "Secret Piercings" should run, despite its graphic content. All the while, he's holding a piece of paper over a monitor to imply just how graphic this piece is. The Goth girl doesn't seem to get it, so Navid finally has to break down and say they can't show genitals, and just saying the word makes him adorably uncomfortable. The girl eventually gives up and leaves in frustration, chanting that Navid should "Fight the system!" Navid's phone rings -- it's AAdrianna, and he thanks her for interrupting a back-and-forth that could have gone on forever. He promises to tell her all about it that night, but she has called to bail on him since some studio time came free. He's okay with it, as long as she's free of Victor's grip. She breaks the news that she's still working with Victor, claiming that Victor is good for her career. Navid tries to tell her that she can achieve success on the right terms, even if her song-thieving ways come to light. She admits she's too scared and too close to breaking into the big time, so it's not a risk she's willing to take. Navid can't take her fame whoring anymore and makes an excuse about a Blaze deadline so he can hang up.
Elsewhere, Naomi enters Matthews' office to tell him the good news that Cannon has been suspended during the police investigation. Then she notices that Matthews is packing up, as well. He informs her that he's been suspended, too, but he's willing to take that hit to make sure Naomi gets justice. He quotes that famous line of A Tale of Two Cities, telling her she can thank him by reading the book. Naomi walks glumly out of the office and runs smack into Cannon. He wrathfully tells her that she has no case and that he will sue her for everything she's worth when he's acquitted. She keeps up a brave face just long enough to remove herself from the situation.
Cannon continues out to the parking lot, where he drops a Chelsea Football Club water bottle from his box. Ausscar picks it up, and they strike up a conversation about English football. Ausscar picks up on a hint of Cannon's accent and asks from which part of Dagenham Cannon hails. Apparently it's a lower class suburb of London that Ausscar knows about because he had cousins who attended the Chester School in nearby Essex. It's a rather innocuous line of questioning, only made worse when Ausscar playfully tells Cannon, "Your secret's safe with me." He touches a nerve and receives a truly virulent response from the naughty professor, who tells him threateningly to drop it.
Across the parking lot, Ivy watches as Ausscar walks off his run-in with Cannon and approaches a crowd of girls. Suddenly a bouquet of surf board wax pops up in front of Ivy's face. It's Dixon's clever way of apologizing for lying about his ex and pushing Ivy away. She agrees that this gesture is a "definitely less lame" than a clichéd bunch of roses. Dixon tells Ivy he loves her and asks if things can go back to the way they were before. She admits that she still loves him, and he says that's all that matters. He urges her to pretend last week never happened, and she reluctantly agrees to press rewind on their relationship.
That night, Silver joins Navid and his parents at the Achievement Awards. They're the only two students among their friends who chose this event over The Undies. They discuss Navid's chances for winning the Leadership Award. He insists he won't win, but Silver thinks the acceptance speech in his shirt pocket tells a different story. Harper walks by, ribbing Navid that his back-of-room table placement must mean he's not in serious awards contention. Before anyone gets a word in, she smugly says has to go to check in with a teacher about the rewrite of her Yale recommendation letter. With that obnoxious display, Silver tells Navid he must take Harper down.
As the Achievement Awards get started, Teddy finds Dixon putting the finishing touches on his DJ booth at The Undies. Dixon wonders why Teddy's not at the Achievement Awards with Silver, but Ian interrupts to ask Dixon to check on his mic, joking that the reverb makes him sound like Kaaaaaatherine Hepbuuuuuuurn. Dixon laughs and heads off, leaving Ian a chance to try once again to overcompensate for Teddy's own closet-based insecurities. It goes slightly better than the last million times Ian has made such an overture considering this time he doesn't get punched in the face.
Across the room, Ivy questions Dixon's choice to open The Undies with a song by Scientologist, ageless Beck. Dixon insists, "If I don't open The Undies with 'Loser,' I'm a fool!" He calls Ausscar over to provide a second opinion. Things are predictably stiff between Ivy and Ausscar, and it comes out that Ausscar has moved out of MILF Manor. Dixon assumes Ausscar wanted to be able to bring girls home. Ausscar laughs with relief as he excuses himself to find a girl he's had his eye on, leaving Dixon to carry on with his tech prep.
The girl in question is Naomi, whose more-expensive-than-a-car pen Ausscar is returning. He tries to work his magic on her, but she is totally underwhelmed, even when he brings up his charming accent. She says she finds it revolting because it reminds her of Cannon. He takes offense that she would liken his blue collar Dagenham accent with his hoity toity wherever-the-eff-he's-from lilt. Naomi zeroes in on the fact that Cannon lied about being from Chelsea and wonders aloud what Cannon might be hiding.
The Undies kick off, and Ian takes the stage as Master of Ceremonies. Annie makes her only appearance in tonight's episode as Ian's co-host. It's probably the closest this show will ever get to brilliance -- nothing says underachiever like drunkenly plowing down a hobo on prom night! Annie pulls out the first award (a.k.a. a Sharpied pair of briefs) for "Most Likely To Succeed by Marrying Rich." It goes to some girl who is obviously studying really hard to become a Deal or No Deal briefcase girl and/or a car show model.
As she gives her speech, we cut over to the Achievement Awards, where some guy is giving an appropriately dorky acceptance speech, complete with an Archimedes quote, for the math award. Out in the corridor, English award winner Silver preps Navid for his Leadership Award acceptance speech. They stop chattering when they hear Harper the Harpy getting seriously harped on by her awful father, who think she isn't living up to her brothers' legacy. She promises to win the Leadership Award, claiming it's the only one that matters because it comes with scholarship money. Are we to believe that anyone at West Bev needs scholarships? Is Harper hiding the secret shame of Zuckerman? Harper's horrible father tells her, "You better get it. Otherwise you'll be slingin' shoes at the Beverly Center after graduation!" Does anyone else wonder if the writers conceived of and scripted this entire episode around that single quote?
Back at The Undies, Ian and Annie hand out the award for Worst Attendance. As anyone with as hackneyed a sense of humor as these writers might have hoped, the recipient is... not in attendance. Hardy har. Back over in Moper's Corners, Teddy watches as Liam trails behind Loony Laura with two armfuls of handbags. He doesn't believe people will buy them at a party, but she's already sold several. She grabs one bag of purses and tells Liam to keep a watchful eye on several others. Teddy teases him about his role as purse handler, and he sulks with all the range you might expect from someone who scored the role of an Edward Cullen knock-off in Vampires Suck. Annie breaks up their conversation when she announces Liam has won the "Least School Spirit" award. He oafs up to the stage with his purses to petulantly snatch up his Undie.
Back at the Achievement Awards, they finally announce the coveted Leadership Award, and it goes to... Harper the Harpy! Navid's parents tell him he should be honored just to have gotten this far, and his gracious loss shows that he wasn't raised by someone like Mr. Horrible Harpy. Harper's predictably self-satisfied acceptance speech only reinforces this point.
Meanwhile, Naomi and Ausscar are looking up every variation on the words "Cannon," "Dagenham," "Essex," "Chester School," and whatever else they can think of. Ausscar suggests she be a little more specific so he can narrow down the search. She reluctantly tells him to search for "teacher, sex offender, Dagenham." With that, they instantly find a story about a teacher suspended on rape allegations. Naomi clicks on the link to find a picture of Cannon, only the name under the picture is Douglas Atherton.
Achievement Awards. Navid walks by as Harper harps on about making the perfect college from a hybrid of Harvard, Yale, and Stanford. Naturally it would be called Harper College. Silver and Navid decide they're ready to head over to The Undies. As they walk out, the principal approaches Navid to ask why he pulled himself out of the running for the Leadership Award. He does the gentlemanly thing, saying Harper deserved it more. He bids goodbye to the principal, and Silver asks for his true feelings. He sticks to his story, saying Harper has done a lot for the school, but Silver knows he mainly felt bad about the pressure from Harper's father. Navid says he has a lot going for him and doesn't need more. Silver tells him he's a good guy, and he shrugs it off. She pushes the point, saying he's "seriously good." Navid playfully teases her for winning the English award and using improper English. Methinks there may be sparks flying between these two in the coming months.
Undies. Ian wraps up the ceremony with some cracks about how the underachievers are hotter than the kids at the Achievement Awards. He glances over at Teddy, who's been watching the whole time, and they share a sweet smile before Teddy reverts to "No homo!" He walks out and finds a couple of burnouts passing a joint around. They joke that he's going to narc on them. Instead, he joins in.
Meanwhile, Silver and Navid arrive and take in all the dancing and underwear swinging. Silver admits this party is way better than the Achievement Awards, and Navid jokes that they'd be the only ones who could save the day if terrorists demanding to know the decimals of Pi to the tenth digit stormed the place. What was that Liam was saying earlier about Navid's lame humor? Navid points out the girl from the locker door to Silver. He still doesn't know why she hates him and takes a minute to try to figure out why she looks familiar to him. Seeing her writhing dancing, a spark of recognition comes across his face.
Elsewhere, Liam is still at his post, pouting and protecting purses. Dixon says he doesn't think anyone is going to steal them, and Liam agrees. He gets a text from Loony Laura, who has called him to diffuse a "purse emergency."
Police station. Ausscar waits with Naomi as the coppers check out Cannon, nee Douglas Atherton's record. All Ausscar hopes for in return for his internet searching services is dinner with Naomi. She rejects him again but gives him the swanky pen in exchange. He tells her he's going to use it to sign their marriage license someday. Wow, folks, chivalry isn't dead! Nothing says "gentleman" like trying to pick her up while she's at the police station on rape-related business. Finally, the lady office returns to report that Cannon/Atherton is indeed wanted in the UK. They're going to start the extradition process and arrest Cannon post-haste.
Cut to a clip of locker girl asking a police officer if she can "dance" her way out a speeding ticket. The camera zooms out to show that it's a pre-money shot clip of one of Navid's father's films. Navid, who's playing it on his smart phone, has finally put two and two together to realize that his locker mate is a porn star. It's a problem for obvious reasons since this girl is a junior in high school and, thus, underage.
In a seedier part of town, Liam finds Loony Laura in the midst of hostile handbag negotiations with some guys who look like they're from Tijuana by way of South Central. They don't want to pay Laura the full, agreed upon price for her merch, and she wants Liam to sort it out. He tells the guys to calm down because it's just a purse. Instead, the ring leader pulls out a knife and cuts up one of the purses to reveal Laura's real product is not so much handbags as dime bags, i.e. cocaine. The guy agrees that Laura's "purses" are worth the money, and the issue is solved.
Down by the water, Dixon tells Ivy she was robbed of the "Least School Spirit" award. He pulls her in for a romantic smooch under the moonlight, but stops before things get too heated. He wants to take things at Ivy's pace and build up trust again before he takes her supposed virginity. She can't lie to him anymore and spills about cashing in her V-card to Ausscar. Dixon walks away in betrayed silence.
Some time later, Teddy makes Dixon and Navid nervous as swerves all over the road. They ask if he's been drinking. He admits to smoking up but insists he's straightened up. The guys insists he pull over, which is fair enough, but they're so adamant about it that you kind of wonder who the show's creative team thinks lives in Beverly Hills. This is a scene out of an after school movie set in Iowa, or a reaction more like Millie Kentner would have than a porn producer's son and a guy who just a week ago thought he had HIV. Cut this self-righteous judgmental indignation, switch seats, and call it a night, kids. At any rate, Teddy staggers out into the street and walks off without getting plowed down by a car, so the scene's pretty much a wash anyway.
Across town, Annie and Naomi wait in Naomi's car with Silver, who is Citizen Journalist-ing the shit out of the moment of Cannon/Atherton's takedown. They wonder what's taking so long, and Naomi rubs her hands together thinking about the degradation her rapist will endure. Finally a the police lady exits empty-handed and breaks the bad news to Naomi that the naughty professor must have caught wind of what was coming because he has vanished without a trace. The girls try to assure Naomi that her ordeal is over, but I can't help but think this could turn into a multi-episode hostage scenario. That's how they would have done it in the old days before the plot-killer named Matthews came on the scene. Here's hoping for a return to the good old days!
week: AAdrianna trudges yet further down the path toward becoming an actual fame whore when she ditches Navid in favor of Joe Jonas at a red carpet event. And just looked how well that kind of behavior turned out for Demi Lovato!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the CW shows we'd like to see cross over. And then watch vloggers Val and Beth compare the show to the original, below!
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