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An earthquake hits Beverly Hills, underscoring the crumbling infrastructure inside each of the characters' lives. Naomi claims she was canoodling with Robert Pattinson on the Riviera all summer, but really she was hiding out in a flea bag motel (named the Riviera -- points for writing what you know!), struggling with her unstable financial situation and the aftermath of Canon raping her. When she returns to school and finds that her rapist has not transferred to London as promised, she momentarily considers pressing charges before realizing she doesn't have a leg to stand on, legally. Instead of consulting a therapist, she decides turning into a drunken slut is just the ticket.
Naomi's sexual compensation reaches so far as to entangle Teddy, who is reeling after an injury from the earthquake shatters his hopes of becoming a competitive tennis player any time soon. Instead of appreciating Silver's optimism and consolation, he gets wasted and tells her she's a talentless wench, then very nearly falls for Naomi's advances. Silver predictably walks in at exactly the wrong moment. Her vulnerability will certainly come in handy for Canon, who has been assigned her senior project advisor.
Annie -- who is fresh out of the ankle bracelet from her hit-and-run-induced summer of house arrest -- has a different advisor entirely in that sad sack we've all come to know and hate, Ryan Matthews. He encourages Annie to apply for a fall internship at a local theater company, assuring her that her murderous records are sealed and she can turn over a new leaf. Of course she does exactly the opposite and wigs out at the interview, belching out every last detail of her pathetic life from the manslaughter to her parents' divorce. It's exactly what the unscrupulous hiring boss ordered, though, and Annie gets the internship because she seemed desperate enough to do whatever nefarious plans Trina Theatermeister has in mind. Ironically, the one new leaf Annie does turn over is some bunk new policy of all honestly, all the time. Within the course of the episode she manages to win back the affection of Liam, whom she totally abandoned during her summer of infamy, only to spurn his romantic overtures and effectively end their friendship. So, let's recap: Alone, desperate, self-obsessed and utterly useless as life. That's our Annie!
Dixon is faring only slightly better. After leaving Australia early to tend to his broken-hearted mama in the midst of her divorce proceedings, he sees Ivy for the first time in three months. Only she's not alone. Attached at her hip is a rakish Australian named Oscar, a family friend who smugly tells Dixon that he once saw Ivy "in her knickers." Dixon burns with jealousy, which we discover is a spot-on instinct thanks to a vomit-inducing afternoon sex dream featuring Ivy and Oscar. Ivy tries to shrug it off and quickly (read: guiltily) reciprocates when Dixon apologizes and says he loves her. Of course it's all going to go down in flames, because Oscar arrogantly calls Ivy out for wanting her and tells her the feeling's mutual (nay, palpable!)... mind you, that's just before he heads down the hall and fucks her mother. Classy.
And then there's AAdrianna... She returns from her summer tour with Navid Lite, who quickly informs her that he's dropping her from his show and that she will never be a successful because she is not as gifted as he. Before you can say, "He had it coming," NL is plowed down by oncoming traffic. He leaves behind a book full of songs that AAdrianna immediately pilfers. She sets a date to preview her new songs to Ivy's MILF ASAP. But it stings the worst when she performs a solo show for Navid, who admits he was "only lukewarm" on her old material but says this new stuff is the best she's ever written. Sadly for all of us, it's still only as good as the writers of this show can muster.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Last season: Annie and Liam shared their deepest, darkest, most criminally devious secrets with one another. When Jasper spied their blooming relationship, he blew some shit up. Dixon and Ivy planned a trip down Australia way. Silver and Teddy were on again, despite her ability to distract him from his future in tennis. Matthews knocked Jen up, then she knocked him down by telling him he'd have no part in the little demon spawn's life. AAdrianna ditched Navid to tour for the summer with his pop-singing knock-off. Harry and Debbie are dunzo. And Naomi very well may have been raped.
West Bev. Debbie drops off Annie and an overly jubilant Dixon -- who keeps screaming "Senior year, baby!" -- for their first day of school. She beats empty nest syndrome to the punch by welling up before they even have the chance to get into college. Never fear, though, because she shelves those emotions as only Martha Stewart could do by planning their annual back-to-school dinner. Apparently nothing says "Enjoy your last nine months of coddling" like bouillabaisse. She wishes them good luck and shouts out a "Senior year, babies!" for good measure.
Is that an echo I hear? Nope, just Navid. He's just as into this obnoxious "Senior year, baby!" crap as you'd expect. He congratulates Annie on finishing her house arrest sentence and getting through the psychological trauma of her hit-and-run. Don't you just love how Annie killed a man, and all anyone wants to know is whether she's recovered emotionally? Adding to that, she begrudgingly reminds them that she's still on probation for the foreseeable future. Yeah, because being on a tight leash with Debbie is totally just as bad as actual prison. She is the worst.
As they walk, she assures Navid that everything is back to normal, and normal is all she wants for her senior year. They run into Teddy and Silver. The guys slap high-fives and start planning their freshman torture techniques. For her part, Silver's consumed with perfecting her senior project so she can get into a kick-ass film school. What's that, Silver? You don't think your sophomore year amateur porno with hints of low-rent Bergman isn't going to seal deal at USC's admissions department? Teddy thinks his life on the cusp of the professional tennis circuit would make a great documentary. Dixon asks whether Teddy's really going to make the jump, and Teddy says this year will make or break his chances. Annie says that must be a lot of pressure. Navid jokes that "Pressure is a Persian father at college application time."
Silver reads a Tweet from Naomi, who's back from her summer on the Riviera and has just bribed a persnickety customs guy with a Birkin bag. Annie sighs that Naomi is lucky to have had such an amazing break. Cut to a roach motel named The Riviera, which is where Naomi has actually been staying all these months. She is startled when the super bangs on the door to ask for the last three months' rent. She assures him her trust fund will kick in week and asks how his wife likes the Birkin bag. He presses her, saying the bag is worthless without shoes to match. Gulp.
Back at school, Dixon calls Ivy to moan that they haven't seen each other for 92 days and change. He had to leave Australia, but he had to be home during Debbie and Harry's divorce proceedings. She appears behind him, but his smile turns into a frown when an Aussie named Oscar scoops her up in his arms. Oscar is an old family friend who decided just last night to stay with Ivy and her MILF for the year to polish up his dismal school marks by working at the record label. Dixon is less-than-enthusiastic.
Similar mobile phone drama pops up down the hall as Navid talks to AAdrianna, who's riding in her limo with pop singing sensation Navid Lite (whose name I can't be bothered to remember). Navid wants AAdrianna to return to school so he'll get a boost in street cred from dating a soon-to-be-international pop star. Navid Lite has other plans and tells AAdrianna to hang up the phone. AAdrianna glosses over that and tells Navid she misses him and will see him soon. As they hang up, Navid blows a totally masculine kiss into the phone. A passerby gives him the stank eye. So much for street cred! Back in the limo, Navid Lite clearly hasn't squelched his flame for AAdrianna. He gets borderline handsy, taking any excuse he can to touch her leg or her face. She puts him in his place, insisting things have to change. He throws the ultimatum in her face, saying things will change when he drops her from his tour. He smugs that she'll have plenty of time to go back to school and join the glee club. Ass.
Over at West Bev, Annie approaches Liam at his locker. He greets her with a charming, "Screw you," and stomps off. She has no time to dwell on it, though, because Naomi swoops in with a whole slew of lies about a summer fling with Robert Pattinson. I bet she's still washing the stink out as they speak. Naomi asks who Annie has for homeroom. Annie says she has Mr. Canon -- Naomi's rapist if you recall. Naomi recoils and says Canon was supposed to transfer back to London. Annie immediately notes the strain in Naomi's voice and skips class to have a long talk with her good friend. Oh wait, no she doesn't. She's as self-absorbed as ever and swishes off to class without a thought of the alarm in Naomi's voice.
Naomi stands frozen as Canon makes his way down the hall toward her. Before they exchange words, the entire school starts shaking. Earthquake! He grabs her and pushes her into a corridor. No one notices her shrieking amidst the din. Elsewhere, Teddy and Silver hide under a table in a classroom. His long legs are exposed, and a shelf falls on top of the right one. Liam takes refuge under a table in another room, and who should be his table mate but Annie? Back to Naomi, who is screaming at the top of her lungs as she flashes back to the last time Canon laid his hands on her. She finally snaps back into reality, and he lets her go. She casts her glance down, completely ashamed and horrified, unable to look him in the eyes. He growls sensually that she looks good. She starts to scream out what he did to her. He shushes her, saying, "Careful. Don't go spreading lies again." Like the school, her life is crumbling all around her. She's trapped. He quickly changes his demeanor and says charmingly, "I look forward to seeing you around school. He walks away to escort other students to safety. She picks up her phone and calls to report her rape. Credits.
Back inside the school, Matthews, with as greasy a mop as we've ever seen, leads students through the school. Down the hall, Ivy groans that they're missing some amazing post-quake waves because they have to stay in school. Oscar encourages her to skip school, but Dixon reminds him not everyone wants to have to take a year off after high school like he does. Elsewhere, Liam tries in vain to break open the door so he can escape Annie. I'm with you there, brother. Annie acknowledges that Liam is angry because she bailed on him all summer. She says she was overwhelmed by lawyers and probation stuff. He feels gypped, so she tries to excuse herself by saying she left him a message asking how things went when he came clean to his stepdad about stealing his valuable coins. He updates her that he's been kicked out of his home and has nowhere to go since Jasper set fire to his boat. She apologizes for not returning his calls and admits she should have been there for him. Finally Canon finds them and lets them out.
Outside, a limping Teddy makes an appointment to check out his leg injury, then assures Silver everything will be okay. They're interrupted when a fireman dismisses school so the school can be examined for structural damage. Students cheer and bolt out of there ASAP. Matthews, on the other hand, realizes he has no actual friends and begs kids to stay behind with him. Down the stairs, Dixon suggests he and Ivy have an impromptu date. Oscar butts in to remind Ivy it's prime surfing time. They playfully punch at each other and leave sad ol' Dixon in their wake. He barely has a chance to hop into Ivy's truck so he can be a third wheel on their supposedly platonic date.
After they drive off, Matthews finds Annie to remind her he'll be her senior advisor. He asks if she got an e-mail he sent her about an internship at a local theater. She says she's not going to apply because she has no chance. He insists he'll provide an excellent recommendation, but she thinks her history of hobo-killin' will be a hindrance. He reminds her that the records are sealed. She's paid her dues and can move forward without telling anyone what she did. He hands her the pre-written recommendation and tells her to head over to her interview. She heads off, and Matthews takes the chance to call Jen. Straight to voicemail, which I suspect he gets a lot. He leaves a message checking that she's okay after the earthquake and letting her know he'll contact a lawyer if she doesn't return his calls. Meanwhile, Annie just misses Navid and begs Liam for a ride since her license has been suspended. He reluctantly clears the passenger seat.
Over at the beach, the waves aren't as tubular as Ivy and Oscar thought. Oscar suggests they "borrow" some jet skis sitting unlocked nearby. Dixon is nonplussed about the idea of grand theft Ski-doo, but Oscar coolly says they'll go for a quick spin them return them with gas money. Ivy happily goes along with this lame-brained plan.
Elsewhere, AAdrianna and NL are stuck in post-quake traffic. He uses the occasion to tell AAdrianna about her replacement, a taller, thinner, sexier singer named Dominique. AAdrianna insists she'll be successful on her own. He laughs in her face, noting that the duet she wrote for him was his only song not to crack the Top 20. Like a prima donna, he tells the chauffeur to drive past the traffic. As they inch forward, he carries going on like a prick that she needs him because she doesn't have the gifts he does. Karma, in the form of a speeding SUV, sideswipes that bitch real good.
Beach. Jet ski shenanigans aplenty! The happy couple and Dixon return to the beach. Dixon asks Ivy if they can ditch Oscar already, but she says she has to buy him a burger because she lost a race. Then she wonders why Dixon's so glum. He says he doesn't like how Oscar looks at Ivy ("like he's seen you in your knickers!"), and they get into it about his jealousy and lack of trust. Oscar drops in as Ivy has had it. He commiserates about his own girlfriend troubles and offers to give them some space. Naturally, Ivy uses the burger excuse and hops into the car, leaving Dixon behind.
Meanwhile, Silver and Navid cheer on Teddy playing tennis after he was cleared by the doctor. Navid wonders what's holding up AAdrianna. Silver insists she's just delayed by the traffic, but Navid's worried that she isn't answering her phone. On the court, it's match point for Teddy. After a few rallies, he lunges forward to secure the winning point. Unfortunately, in doing so, he falls on the same leg he injured that morning.
At the police station, Naomi explains her summer of solitude to a female officer. Of course Naomi she doesn't have a leg to stand on because she didn't get a rape kit or tell anyone at the time. Nonetheless, the officer comforts her and says she didn't deserve to be raped. Naomi explains the extenuating circumstances of her false sexual harassment charges the spring. The officer encourages her to press charges but warns that she should brace herself for a messy trial in which her name and reputation will likely be dragged through the mud. Naomi worries that it will be for nothing if he isn't convicted. She'll be back to where she is now -- terrified, lonely, hopeless. The officer offers to refer her to a counselor, but Naomi doesn't want to talk about it and rushes out of the room.
Back at the tennis court, Silver holds Teddy's hand while the medic checks his leg out. Navid keeps calling AAdrianna. We hear the phone ring on the other end of the line as a two-way radio reports that one of the passengers was dead on arrival. Pan across the scene to a shocked AAdrianna. An officer hands her a bag of her belongings and suggests she call a friend to pick her up. Or maybe just answer her damn phone. She goes into the bag so she can call Navid and discovers that NL's book of hit-ready lyrics is inside. She begins to tell the officer they're not hers but thinks better of it. OMG, I swear if this turns into some jank intellectual property legal battle, I will track these writers down and pull an Annie Wilson on their asses. Now, whether that means a hit-and-run or talking about myself incessantly until they drop dead from exhaustion, I haven't decided.
Beach club. Naomi thanks Kim and Khloe Kardashian (seriously?!) for bringing her dresses to get her back in the swing of things. Sample line -- Khloe: "Well, nothing says you're back like backless!" Kim: "Plus, it'll make your ass look like a ripe little melon." Ugh. I think I'm going to suffer for committing this dreck to the Internet for all eternity. Naomi says she'll take the dress. Khloe tells her it's $400, and Naomi sheepishly asks if she can put the dress on layaway. The answer is a firm no, so Naomi calls Kim bitch, then a ho. Things nearly get deliciously cat fight-tastic, but the Kardashians skip out just before weave-pulling can commence. Missed opportunity, guys! Maybe the moral of the story is that Naomi doesn't need a backless dress to return to form. Rape Victim Naomi and Old School Naomi seem pretty much the same level of bitchy to me.
Meanwhile, Annie tells the interviewer that she's super-enthusiastic and her only weakness is perfectionism. Wow, that interview's really going to stick out! The interviewer asks what she did all summer. Because she has the foresight to know her Summer of Ankle Bracelets would be an issue but isn't smart enough to come up with a cover story, Annie vagues something about lying low. Thankfully her rambling is cut short by an aftershock. Annie realizes the world hasn't revolved around her for, like, five seconds and immediately goes to the emo place, musing in cryptic metaphors about how big events always have aftershocks. The interviewer asks her to clarify, so Annie idiotically comes clean. Oh, but she doesn't stop at hit-and-run, she blurts out everything about her hobo-murderin' ways, her legal bills, her parents' separation, and also that one time that she stole a packet of Pop Rocks in fifth grade. OMG, STFU Wilson. There is a time and a place (ideally electro-shock therapy), and honesty is not always the best policy -- even if you are trying to fashion yourself into some sort of saintly changed person. In short, stuff it. The interviewer doesn't get in a word edgewise before Annie realizes she's made a world-class ass of herself and runs out of the room. And, said the recapper hopefully, right into traffic.
Ivy's house. She and Oscar head into her bedroom. He waxes philosophical that her iPod implies she's more sentimental than she lets on. He claims he, too, is sentimental and will always remember sharing his first earthquake with her. As the chunks rise in my throat, he takes things to the level of uber-sketch, cupping her head in his hands and seductively saying that earthquakes are a metaphor for orgasm. The only positive about this situation is that the sound of their heavy petting is somewhat overpowered by my dry heaving. Before things get really gross, we learn that Ivy is only dreaming. Oscar wakes her up, and she hops off the bed, flustered.
Downtown, Annie tells Liam how her interview went horribly south but is regardless proud of herself for making the commitment to being a better person. Apparently Liam is extremely quick at forgiveness. He takes her in his arms and kisses her after making a promise, perhaps for both of them: "No lying, no hiding." Uh-huh. Wait until you come up for air and think of Naomi before letting your mouth write a check your ass can't cash, bud. Commercials.
We return to the scene of the Grimes. Annie lets Liam kiss her for a good while before pushing him away and invoking the Perma Donna. Liam insists Naomi won't care, but Annie notes the unwritten rule that friends don't date their friends' exes. Liam jokes that it's a good thing he's not attracted to Jasper, then. Annie holds her ground, so Liam immediately back tracks and says Naomi doesn't have to know. Annie reminds him, "No lying, no hiding." She thinks they can be friends, but Liam's not into it. She tells him they'll be nothing to each other and walks away.
Over at AAdrianna's house, Navid is cuddling and comforting her as the phone rings. It's Ivy's MILF, asking how she's doing. AAdrianna sends Navid off under the pretense she wants some soup. In fact, she just wants to set a date ASAP to hit the studio and record the music she pried from NL's cold, dead hands. MILF delivers the bad news that producers and execs are no longer interested, since her single didn't chart well. AAdrianna desperately grabs NL's book, claiming she's written a lot of new material. MILF promises to take a listen.
Across the Bev Niner, Naomi and Silver have arrived at a classmate's house for an impromptu party. Silver frets about Teddy's tennis prospects while Naomi pops a bottle of champagne. They spot Teddy across the patio as he walks in on crutches, saying he's looking forward to a break from his strict exercise and diet regimen. Teddy and Naomi clink their respective 'pagne bottle and flask. She runs off to kick out a freshman, leaving Silver to ask Teddy if he drove over drunk. He claims he's just a little buzzed, but she still thinks he should slow down. Methinks she should have told the hair stylist that when he was hacking all her hair off... Silver tries to look on the bright side, but Teddy confides that his doctor had already told him to lay off his knee before this latest injury. He takes a bitter swig for putting himself in this dire position. Silver keeps up her Pollyanna act until Teddy shuts her down by saying she'll never understand because she's "never been great at anything." That was way harsh, T.
Elsewhere in the cabana, Dixon finds Ivy to apologize for being jealous and promise that he trusts her. She compensates for her guilt by kissing him and saying she'll go on any date he wants. He says he has something to tell her but wants to wait until later. She presses him, so he tells her he loves her. She reciprocates and kisses him.
Inside, Naomi chugs from the champagne bottle when a random classmate approaches her to drunkenly confess how hot he thinks she is. She thanks him, looking like a deer in the headlights, then staggers off. He calls out that he thought she liked being complimented. She lies that she hears it so often, it gets old. He looks at her quizzically then says there's something different about her -- like Katie Holmes after she married Tom Cruise. She covers in the only way she knows how, laying a big wet kiss on him and inviting him and his friends to come upstairs with her. Oh, honey, this is how STDs are contracted. And rape cases are shot to Hell.
Dixon makes it home to Nueva Casa Wilson just in time for the big bouillabaisse buffet. Only Debbie's running around frantically and the power is still off. The kids suggest they go out to dinner, but Debbie insists they have to honor tradition. You know where this is heading: Debbie-sized meltdown. We'll have to wait for the inevitable fireworks, though, because those damn kids are mature enough to tell her she's allowed to cry, and she's strong enough to shed only a few tears before shifting back into mom mode. They improvise a dinner from the foods that are prone to spoil like cold cuts and ice cream. As Annie sneaks some potato chips, the lady from the theater company calls the offer Annie the internship. She says she admired Annie's honesty and passion. Annie stutters out a thank you. Ugh. Annie shares the good news with her family while on the other end the lady at the theater company calls someone and says that Annie may just be "desperate enough to do it." Yay for nefarious plans! Countdown to Annie's own salute to Coco from Fame, bitches.
Back at the party, it's time for the week's show-ending emo song montage! Teddy gimps into a room upstairs and finds Naomi down to her skivvies in the midst of a strip tease for several guys. He bellows at them to get out. They both snap at the other, "What's wrong with you?" Oh children, that question is way too open-ended. We could be here for days.
Over at Ivy's, she walks into her bedroom, where Oscar is lying self-assuredly on her bed. He thinks their sexual tension is palpable. She tries to pretend she doesn't know what he means and asks about his girlfriend. He says they have an open relationship. She tells him Dixon and her do not. He easily leaves, pretty certain that she's not as innocent in this as she insists, and reminds her that he's just down the hall. After he's gone, she looks forlornly at the doorway. Just down the hall, MILF is changing out of her clothes when Oscar creeps up on her and startles her with a kiss. She wanly insists they have to end their fling now that Ivy's back, but that doesn't stop her from letting him in one last time.
Back at the party, Naomi tells Teddy to relax and spins a pretty yarn about how sex is just a random, physical act. She waves the mostly empty champagne bottle in his face as he anxiously averts his eyes. She wonders why he's so uncomfortable, deducing that he wants to have sex with her. She says they should just do it and goes in for the kill just as Silver enters the room to see their incriminating embrace. Naomi backs away guiltily, but it's too late.
Back to AAdrianna's where we discover she's the one singing the NL-penned montage theme. Navid looks at her proudly as she belts out the last few bars. He says this song was the best she's ever written and assures her MILF will love it.
The song goes instrumental as we rejoin Silver at her house. She answers the phone, saying she's excited to have the person on the other end as her advisor. Cut to Canon on the other end of the line, throatily telling Silver they're "going to have a great time." Cut to half-naked Naomi crumbling into her own degradation and remorse.
week: Annie quite literally runs into a new love interest. Oscar runs around wagging his willy at Ivy. Silver runs back to Teddy's arm. And Adrian Grenier must have run out of Entourage royalty checks because why else would he be on this shit show?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the question that will Never Be Answered. And see what vloggers Val and Beth think of the show below!
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