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AAdrianna and Navid Lite bond over being narcissistic twits for a bit, and NL inadvertently takes credit for Actual Navid's cutesy charm bracelet. Actual Navid sees the bracelet on AAdrianna, flips out, barges into a taping of Blaze Live, and screams his true feelings in front of literally everyone at West Bev (via TV). On the upside, AAdrianna admits she likes him too, so it could have gone much, much worse. On the downside, NL is not a man who will take "no" for an answer. He reiterates his offer to take AAdrianna on tour over the summer -- all the better for him to steal her away from Navid again.
Annie and Liam bond over their mutual criminal pasts, prompting him to call it quits with lying, self-centered Naomi. Before admitting his misdeeds to Stepdaddy Dearest, he invites Annie to take the born-again-virgin voyage on his handcrafted boat. Lulled by the gentle slapping of the waves against wood and wrapped cozily in a Baja blanket, she confesses to being a certifiable hobo killer. Liam takes her in his arms to console her, getting Jasper (who's watching from a distance like the stalker he is) blazing mad -- enough so to firebomb the S.S. Coin Swiper. Unfortunately, Annie isn't on the boat at the time because she's gone home to tell her parents about her murderin' ways. Fortunately, Liam's not. He intercepts crutch-crippled Jasper rowing back to shore and beats the ever-loving piss out of the spikey-haired bandit.
Naomi, meanwhile, reacts about as badly and bitchily to getting dumped as you might expect, then makes a knee-jerk turnabout and launches into an out-of-tune rendition of "Single Ladies," thankfully without the dance. Eat your heart out, Minnelli! After a big school event leaves her feeling more alone than ever, she finds herself back at West Bev, with car trouble. She seeks help in the only person around -- the man she falsely accused of sexually harassing her. Except this time he decides to take advantage of her destroyed credibility to get all rape-y. Boom goes the Cannon!
Matthews is actually merits a solid, non pier-stumbling plot line this week! You think that's amazing? Chew on this: He's a daddy! He knows this thanks to Naomi riffling through Jen's purse because she doesn't have enough money to pay for parking. Yep, it's that dire. She forgets all about the Benjamins when she finds a paternity test naming Matthews as the bastard's father. She thoughtfully sends him a bouquet of "CONGRATS DAD!" balloons. He does the most naive (and may I add pathetic) thing possible and offers to do the honorable thing, to which Jen coldly responds, "My baby doesn't need a public school teacher as a father." He gives up on the foolish notion of responsibility and manhood, instead getting wasted at a school function, hijacking a Christmas light-bedecked shuttle, running over West Bev's sign, and driving off in a trail of flames. All while catching a glimpse of a leering Cannon closing the blinds on his little late-night tutorial with Naomi.
Silver finally explains her blindside break-up to Teddy, spilling that Spence tried to pay her off. She acknowledges her fear of destroying Teddy's tennis career, but he insists he can do both tennis and her (hubba hubba!). Silver sticks to her guns... for about 10 minutes until Naomi reminds her that Teddy should be making this decision, since it's his life and all. Who knew heartbreak would produce a wisdom-boosting effect on Naomi? Let's see what sexual assault adds to the mix, shall we? (Poor Naomi.)
Dixon comes clean to Ivy about kissing Silver during the split-second that he and Ivy broke up. Naturally she rescinds his invitation to Downunder, but he wins her back with a Photoshopped astronomy presentation in which Ivy and her stringy ladydreads are the center of the universe. It's almost grosser than her red-shorted jumpsuit.
And from Dixon's joy springs his parents' chagrin. You see, ol' Dickface Driscoll has decided to blackmail Harry about the footage he buried of Dixon assisting the thwarted break-in to steal the SATs. Harry opts to fall on the sword, so to speak. He does not indulge the blackmail, instead exposing his cover-up to the superintendent and get swiftly canned. Debbie, who has decided to take a hard line against Dixon's Aussie holiday, has a shit fit about everything that is wrong in her life and tells Harry to take a hike. It is going to be a long summer, my friends. Rob Estes, you will be missed. Chris Lorenzo forever!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Naomi accused her teacher of sexual harassment, then recanted. Harry covered up for Dixon, then blew both of their covers. Jasper came on strong with Annie, then backed off. Navid took a leap of faith, confessing his feelings to AAdrianna, then took a fall when his pop singing doppelganger swept her off her feet. Teddy's courtside dad shamed Silver into breaking up with him, then she effed things up plenty herself by kissing Dixon. And Liam stole his stepdad's precious coins, then got his maid fired. Jen got with many, many men, then got herself a baby.
We rejoin Jen in the doctor's office as she looks at the ultrasound of her demon spawn. "Can you believe it?" she asks. Naomi says, as a matter of fact, no, she can't believe that Jen can actually reproduce human babies. Jen snides that Naomi is probably disappointed that she wasn't "having a love affair with a coke-addled chimpanzee." Hey, don't bring Travis into this! The nurse closes the curtain on this escalating situation, so Naomi goes out to the office where she learns that they don't validate parking. Since she's flat broke and doesn't have money to pay parking, she sneaks back into the doctor's office and takes advantage of the closed curtain to riffle through Jen's purse. She doesn't find coins, but she does find something bankable -- a paternity test.
Elsewhere, Annie asks Liam if he's going to come clean to his stepdad about stealing the coins. He says that life as he knows it would be over because his father would either send him back to military school or press charges -- probably both. He especially notes that he'd never see Annie again, then quickly tries to cover, saying he wouldn't see anyone again for that matter. Annie suggests some scout's honor-y ways he could make things right for Rosa. She tells him he's lucky because he's got options, adding, "Sometimes you mess up and there's no way you can ever fix it."
Over in New York, AAdrianna and Javier compliment each other on their amazing gig. They hop into his limo where they're met by a ton of gifts from his fans, including a sizable pair of panties. Javier is first to lay hands on the charm bracelet Navid specially put together to show his love for and history with AAdrianna. He says it's not really his style and tells AAdrianna she can keep it.
Back at West Bev, Ivy and Dixon see a poster for the school's annual "Pass the Torch" party at the Natural History Museum. Dixon catches her up that it's a WBHS tradition in which everyone dresses up and the senior class hands over the school, so to speak, to the juniors. Dixon asks if she wants to go, saying it should be fun, but Ivy rags on school-sanctioned activities being lame. She switches topics, saying with wonder that the water in Australia goes down the drain in the opposite direction as it does in America. They agree they're both stoked for the trip and that everything will be fine as long as they're honest with each other. Dixon agrees, looking guilty as sin all the while.
Inside, Matthews makes his way into his classroom, where he finds a bundle of "CONGRATS DAD!" balloons anchored by a box of cigars. He opens up the envelope on top and reads the paternity test with Jen's name clearly printed on top. Surprise! Credits.
Later that morning, Ivy flirts with an anxious-looking Dixon as some hippie teacher lectures about physics. Once class ends, Dixon decides it's time to come out with it. Things don't take a good start when Ivy immediately points out they were only broken up for about two minutes. He tells her that he kissed Silver, that it meant nothing, they were both drunk, and they knew immediately it was a mistake. He says he can't keep secrets from her. She takes it about as well as she should, telling him she's done playing second fiddle to another girl, then walking out in a huff.
Over in Harry's office, the PrinciPAL reads a passage from an essay Dixon's B&E pal Mark Driscoll bought off of the Internet and tried to pass off as his own. Harry tells Driscoll that this little stunt will earn him an "F" in English and a rescinded invitation to graduation. Driscoll puts it back on Harry, saying surely the PrinciPAL can smooth things over with his teacher, or Driscoll will tell the Superintendent that Harry covered up Dixon's part in the vandalism at West Bev.
That afternoon, Naomi skips out on gym class to bitch to Liam about organized running. He sulkily asks how she's doing, and it takes her a minute to remember her lie about having the flu and snap into character. He puts up with it for about two seconds before telling her he knows she was driving and not sick in bed. She tries to gloss over the lie, but he tells her it's over. They never had much in common, and she's a self-centered liar, not to mention that she'd rather pretend to have the flu than hear him out. She tears up and screams after him that he's not perfect either. He agrees that he's not, but it's neither here nor there because they're done.
Back inside, Silver interviews AAdrianna about her new career and romantic duet with Javier. As some kid in plaid skinny pants roller skates around (is that really the best way to film a sit-down interview?), Navid watches uncomfortably. Then he spots the charm bracelet on AAdrianna's wrist, and the interview is over. He yells, "Cut!" Silver tries to remind him that you can't cut a live segment, but he insists because he needs to discuss "wardrobe" with AAdrianna. He scuttles everyone out and throws aside a chair -- with the camera still rolling, mind you. He wonders where AAdrianna got the bracelet. She claims it was a gift from Javier, so he goes about explaining every single charm and why it couldn't be a gift from Javier (unless he's actually the shadow self of Navid I have long suspected).
Out in the hall, Silver and the hipster cameramen stumble upon a gathering crowd, transfixed by the lovers' quarrel transpiring live on screen before them. Navid hilariously imagines AAdrianna and Javier having "a whole brood of Javier Juniors with amazing abs," just not wearing his bracelet. One of the camera guys admits to Silver that he forgot to turn off the camera because "Navid yells, and I panic." Heh. Silver runs back to the locked door and bangs on it, but Navid's on a roll. He demands his bracelet back, but AAdrianna says she doesn't want to give it back. She says she didn't realize that he liked her. He finally says out loud that he does, but he's "just Navid" and can't compete with the famous, sexy Javier. AAdrianna tells Navid he's wrong and that no one can compete with him. She takes his face in her hands. Cue a high-school wide "Awwwww" followed by a round of cheers. At which point Navid realizes maybe Silver was trying to tell him something. Back out in the hall, Silver moons at the reunited couple. Naomi looks at them with a bittersweet smile before revealing that Liam just dumped her.
That night, Matthews finds Jen at the beach club as she wraps up a condescending tutorial on crème brûlée with her chef. Matthews gets straight to the point and asks if she's pregnant. He wonders how she got his DNA. She says he left a "gnarly hairbrush" at her house. That tiny detail really causes the news to sink in for Matthews. Of course he does the "right" thing and offers to do whatever it takes to be a good father to this child. She looks at him with a stone face and informs him she doesn't need help from the likes of a lowly school teacher. He says he has rights, but she counters that she will fight him in court if that's what it takes. Jen may have been slumming it for a while, but her baby certainly won't. He tries to stop her by grabbing her arm. She gives him a look that could kill before excusing herself to a prenatal yoga class. Because a little breathing will definitely save that kid from being supremely fucked up.
Over at Silver's, Teddy stops by to ask why she broke up with him out of nowhere. She tells him everything about
Spence offering to pay her off. Teddy explodes (and it's about as well acted as a Taylor Lautner performing the part of Prospero in The Tempest). He eventually calms down and wonders why Silver broke up with him even though she didn't take the money. She says that Spence's approach may have been messed up, but his intentions were right. She says she can't stand in the way of Teddy's tennis career. He insists he needs her, that he can have a girlfriend and focus on the game, but Silver stands firm.
The day, Silver and Naomi arrive at the Pass the Torch Party in their red dresses. They get a glimpse of all the couples, and Silver's ready to leave. Naomi tries to cheer her up by launching into a tuneless version of Beyoncé's "Single Ladies." Silver wonders why she's so chipper. Naomi insists she's going to move on from that loser Liam and meet someone much better. She says they can have fun by themselves and need to keep their chins up to avoid being pitiable. She starts singing again, and Silver's face turns pale. Amazingly, it's not from the blood rushing out of her ears. In fact, she's caught sight of Teddy. Naomi gets serious, asking why Silver broke up with Teddy in the first place. Silver lays out her martyr complex, so Naomi reminds her that Teddy should probably have some choice in the matter, too.
Inside, AAdrianna steadies herself to tell Javier about her reunion with Navid, but he interrupts to invite her on tour with him that summer. She stops him to break the news. He can't understand why someone would get together with a less famous, but better looking version of himself. She says she loves him and walks away. MILF comes over to ask if Javier's ready to perform for the students. He tells her AAdrianna called it quits, adding, "But it's not over 'til it's over."
Elsewhere, Annie finds Liam at a dock. He says he told his mom that he stole the coins and will come clean to his stepdad as soon as he returns from a business trip. So, before his life is destroyed by Stepdaddy Dearest, Liam has something to show Annie. He excitedly leads her down the dock to the boat that he made with his own two hands. She's thrilled to see it in the water. He invites her to see if the thing really sails. They cut through the water out into the marina, and it's kind of a lovely moment. A testament to the power of the boat because Annie really is a moment killer.
Back at the Natural History Museum, Ivy gets paged to the Planetarium. She gets there, and an astronomy presentation starts playing. Dixon narrates about how different civilizations over time have had various perspectives on what constitutes the center of the universe, from the Earth to the sun, etc. In Dixon's mind, Ivy is the center of the universe. He's even Photoshopped into the presentation a gnarly picture of her in some janky knit hat. Guess those breaking and entering skills Driscoll taught him have come in handy! Either way, it's ultra-cheesy, but that's how Dixon rolls. He emerges from the darkness to tell Ivy, "You're the only girl in this world for me." Ivy smiles and laughs at the gesture, telling him he's crazy. "Crazy about you," he responds. Gross. He asks what she thinks, and she eventually says that she'd like to get back together, too. Further, she reinvites him to Australia. And they leave tonight!
Out on the dance floor, zombies move in unison to Javier's embarrassingly earnest pop stylings. Silver spots Teddy across the floor. Naomi sees her longing eyes and urges her to head over. So she does. Silver tells Teddy she was wrong and that it's up to Teddy to decide how much he can handle. He smiles, they hug, and head out to the dance floor.
Elsewhere, Matthews enters the fracas drunk as a skunk and sets his sights on MILF. Homegirl is open to alternative lifestyles, but even Matthews' self-pitying TMI is too much for her. She tells him to go home and sleep it off.
A bit later, Naomi's "Single Ladies" façade finally crumbles during the torch-passing ceremony as she sees all of her friends happily coupled. She decides she has to get out of there, stat. She mopes into the shuttle just before Matthews comes out. A no-nonsense attendant tells him he'll have to wait 15 minutes. Instead, he hops into the short bus and takes it for a little drunken joyride.
Back on the water, Liam apologizes that he made Annie miss the party. She assures him it wasn't a big loss and asks why he hasn't named his boat yet. He says he had a name but changed his mind. "Guess the future is still unwritten," he says suggestively. He notices she looks pensive and asks what she's thinking. She says she's worried what will happen to him once he confesses to stealing the coins. He tells her it doesn't matter because he's changing his ways and abandoning all the mistakes and dishonesty of his past. He wants to do the right thing. He has to because he doesn't think he'd be able to live with himself otherwise. Annie says he's a better person than she is. He thinks she'd do the same thing in his position, but she insists she's done far worse and not come clean. She finally admits out loud that she mowed down a hobo last year after prom. She dissolves into tears, and Liam takes her in his arms. Back on the dock, Jasper watches anxiously.
Naomi arrives back at West Bev and plops into her car. It won't start. She sees a light on inside the school.
Over at La Casa Nueva, Dixon cheerfully checks himself out in the mirror as he packs for Australia. Debbie strides in to shit all over his happiness. He tries all the angles to convince her that it's a good idea, but she says the decision's final. He asks nastily what he's supposed to do all summer -- "sit around and listen to you and dad fight?" Shockingly, that doesn't sway her at all.
Debbie heads downstairs to revel in her misery. When a rumpled Harry comes in, she shoots him an accusatory "Where were you?" He tells her he was getting his ass served to him by the Superintendent and, oh yeah, he got fired for lying about Dixon and Driscoll. Debbie goes off on him for keeping things from her and making their lives a total mess with his lies. She thinks Dixon could have used some consequences, which is pretty ironic considering he's sneaking out and shaking his head as she says these very words. But Debbie's too wrapped up in her long-festering anger. She tells Harry they have nothing now -- no jobs, no savings, no love. He can't believe she would say that, so she challenges him to look her in the eye and say he's still in love with her. He looks her in the eyes all right, but he can't get the words out. He does an angry about-face and walks off.
Back at the party, Javier interrupts Navid and AAdrianna mid-make out session to tell AAdrianna his offer still stands. He invites her to come on tour with him -- not just for the summer, though. For the whole year. She asks what about school, but he says she doesn't need school because she already has the job of her dreams regardless of education. He urges her to take a risk. She gives an antsy "Maybe" before looking at Navid, then looking at Javier.
West Bev. Naomi finds Cannon in his classroom and asks if he can give her a jump -- for her car, that is. He senses her anxiousness and asks if everything's okay. She immediately bursts into tears as she echoes Liam's indictments that she's self-centered, a liar, a terrible person. He assures her she's not a terrible person, but she says she nearly ruined his life. He says she chose not to. He offers her a glass of water. Vodka works better, mister.
Outside Matthews arrives in the Christmas light-bedecked short bus. He stumbles out and into his car. He starts to back up, only he's got the car in drive. He bumps into a car parked in front of him and takes a second to reorient himself, during which time he spies Naomi sipping her water nervously inside the building. He cranks the car in reverse and careens into West Bev's billboard. Shaking his head a little, he looks back at the building and sees Cannon licentiously closing the blinds. Too drunk to care, Matthews puts the car back in drive and speeds off in a drunken blaze of ingloriousn
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ess.
Back at La Casa Nueva, Liam offers one last time to accompany Annie inside for her big reveal. She insists she has to do it alone. He says he's enjoying his last night of freedom on his boat, so she knows where to find him. They hug and look at each other yearningly as she heads in the house. She gets to the kitchen, where Harry and Debbie are sitting across the table from each other and fiddling with their now-meaningless wedding rings. She says she has something to tell them...
Cut to Liam returning to the docks. As he starts down the ramp, he notices flames in the distance. The blaze envelops his boat as he hurries closer. He stops dead in his tracks when he spots a crutch-dependent Jasper hobbling back onto the dock from a dinghy. Liam flies at him headlong, pummeling the prick bloody as sirens wail in the background. He lands a few more punches as the police arrive. On the upside, maybe he'll get to go to jail of his own accord and avoid the whole stepdad confession altogether!
And finally, we return to West Bev. Cannon shows Naomi a documentary he produced. In the clip he's chosen, he ominously narrates, "But no animal is as brutal as the homo sapien." Naomi tells him she's impressed by his talent. He grabs her hands and stares at her like a puppy dog (albeit it a fairly rape-y puppy dog). She gets visibly awkward. He asks if she minds him holding her hand. She claims she doesn't but tries to stay on neutral topics, finally saying maybe it's time to call AAA.
He cuts her off with a kiss. She pushes him away. He tells her she doesn't have to feel guilty for wanting him to kiss her. She makes clear that she doesn't want him to kiss her, but he says he sees how she looks at him and teases him. He thinks her harassment accusation was a fantasy, and he's more than happy to make it a reality. He comes at her again, and she pushes him off again. He slaps her. His face turns mean. He lunges at her once more and grabs her from behind as she tries to run away. She threatens to tell someone if he goes through with this. He reminds her that he has the upper-hand here, and her credibility is shot. He strokes her hair, breathing down her neck, and growls, "Who's going to believe you? You are the girl who cried wolf." She lets that grim reality sink in as the camera pans outside to show the West Bev sign -- and all those that it represents -- being overtaken by flames.
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