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AAdrianna is thrilled by the excitement of dating Navid Lite, a.k.a. Javier, while the actual Navid grows more pissed by the minute that he missed his second chance with her. Especially when that floppy-haired bozo Javier shows up in his limo with a bouquet of flores muy costosas and ruins Navid's big tulips-in-hand reveal. ¡Pendejo! It's really just a reason for the two sad sacks to hang on to their unnecessarily unrequited feelings for each other in time for a big "Who will she choose?" finale. Pffft. And an opportunity to stage some truly vomitastic paparazzi photo shoots of "Javianna," or as I will now and forever refer to them, "Heave-ianna." Once Dixon reminds Navid that Javier can't hold a candle to him as far as shared history goes, Navid hatches a harebrained scheme to show up to AAdrianna's first big, Autotuned gig, sneak into her dressing room, and put a personalized charm bracelet with note in it asking her to meet him on the roof. Nothing could go wrong there, right? Wrong! Javier, who was supposed to fly to New York before the gig begins, decides to stick around. He impulsively asks AAdrianna to fly to the Big Apple with him and perform with him on stage. As bad luck would have it, Navid's romantic rooftop perch is a perfect spot from which to view AAdrianna hopping into Javier's limo!
Teddy and Silver, too, are in the throes of the love haze, including but not limited to Silver cashing in her non-manic-episode virginity (to the sounds of Javier, singing "It just feels so right!"). I think I speak for the world when I say, "Huuuuuuuuurl." Upon hearing that Teddy hasn't followed his scheme to end the relationship and focus solely on world tennis domination, Spence pays a visit to Silver. He coldly informs her that her puny little three-month-old relationship with Teddy is nothing but a dalliance in comparison to his 14-year-long affair with the court. He actually offers her 150 grand to split. Take the money, hoochie! Instead, she takes the high road for about five seconds before Teddy loses his #1 national ranking. She decides to end it and only makes losers of them both by martyring herself.
Meanwhile, just as Annie is cozying up to Liam thanks to Matthews' nonsensical Vivaldi project, Jasper returns to ask her forgiveness. And can I just say, "Stop the bus?!" Is the world upside down? She fatally plowed down his hobo uncle! Whatever, she redeems herself a bit when that SAT-stealing prick whose name I can't even be bothered to remember taunts Jasper for his Hollywood sign swan dive, then stoops especially low in suggesting Jasper may have offed the old itinerant himself. Annie jumps in to defend Jasper and finally acknowledge that everything bad that happens in the universe is basically her fault. Point for viewers everywhere! Jasper -- because he still wants to get in her pants -- says it's not and tells her at least twice that he forgives her before gently caressing her shoulder.
And who should see this? Liam, who has had about enough of Naomi being a bratty little bitch. You see Jen Clark, CPA, has cut up Naomi's credit cards and forced li'l sis to drive to school in a puke green clunker. Liam tries to assure Naomi that she's only six months away from turning 18 and regaining control of her trust fund, but the perms don't pay for themselves, and bitch wants her money now. Liam finally blows his top on her and says her problems aren't shit, so STFU already. Naomi pulls her head out of her own ass long enough to apologize, get the scoop on prison pappy, and promise to be there for Liam moving forward. Of course it's total bullshit because the minute he asks for support (when it seems imminent his coin-stealing hijinks might come out), Naomi bails to go all private eye on Jen -- discovering in the process that Jen's knocked up! Holy God, if Matthews is the father, I will have no words because my mouth will be filled with upchuck. But back to Liam, who is so pissed at Naomi that he overlooks the fact that he stumbled upon Annie's super-secret "I murdered a hobo" Word .doc during a study session and decides it's still advisable for him to get life and relationship tips from her. Maybe he finds manslaughter sexy? His dad was in the joint for most of his childhood, after all.
And far in the background, Ivy invites Dixon to Australia with her and MILF that summer. He says yes, undoubtedly planning to recreate the opening scene of Grease on a daily basis. More importantly, the invite sets the stage for Harry and Debbie to have another relationship-straining disagreement. He doesn't think Dixon should be globetrotting, given the gambling and vandalism shenanigans he's been up to lately. When he confronts Dixon with as much, Debbie overhears and is naturally irate that hypocritical Harry himself has been keeping secrets from her. No matter, though, because Dixon has already sold most of his crap for the ticket, freaking out Ivy in the process. She says they're moving too fast, and Dixon counters with a hissy fit about how she's judgmental. They break up for a hot minute before Ivy runs into MILF peddling her wares on a corner somewhere. They have a heart-to-heart that encourages Ivy to try again with Dixon. D-bag manages to extricate himself from a drunken broom closet make-out session with Silver just before Ivy returns, and it looks like it's onward to Australia for those two. I sincerely hope Ivy is involved in a freak surfing accident.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Prison pappy cashed in on Liam's stepdad's rare coins. Jen seized control of Naomi's cash. Spence Montgomery didn't like Silver getting in the way of Daddy's little cash cow, a.k.a. Teddy. And AAdrianna plumbed her cache of emotional baggage with Navid to write a hit song and hit it off with world-famous pop sensation Javier, who is a straight-up knock-off of Navid.
Downtown at night, Navid bitches about pop culture as he walks the strip on a boys' night out with Teddy, Liam, and Dixon. The guys wonder what his problem is, so he marches over to the first bus he sees, which just happens to have a larger-than-life picture of Javier, a.k.a. Navid Lite, on the side. Seriously, it's Ross-Russ 2010. Navid smacks the buss in displaced anger before Dixon reminds him that he and AAdrianna broken up. He acknowledges it but says he doesn't really want to be. They ask if Navid's told AAdrianna how he feels, which of course he hasn't. This is Navid we're talking about. They tell him that's kind of key in the whole equation, and Teddy quips that he should step up his competition by cutting a single and becoming an overnight teen heartthrob.
Elsewhere, the girls are gabbing over coffee about whether Navid Lite is a heartthrob-worthy kisser. AAdrianna says she's not sure yet but invites them to her first big gig on Friday night and promises to introduce them. The merriment is cut short when the waiter returns to tell Naomi her card has been declined.
She scampers over to the beach club to ask Jen why her funds are running so low. Jen grabs Naomi's cards and pretends to check them out before coldly cutting up not just one but all of Naomi's cards. She explains that she cancelled Naomi's plastic stash because her spending has gotten out of control. Yeah, like the time she bought that $100,000 race horse. What an impulse purchase! She's putting Naomi on "financial diet consisting of low-denomination greens." Jen gets a note that her shrimp vendor needs to be paid and nastily suggests that maybe Naomi should ask him for some work. Shortly after she steps away, her mobile phone rings. Naomi picks it but doesn't know who the caller (J. Boyd) is. Jen comes back to snatch the phone back from her and act all cagey. Jen warns Naomi that many changes are afoot in her life: "Frugal is the new black."
Beach. Dixon says he's going to miss Ivy during her summer vacay to Australia. She does him one better and says he should come with her. Of course he wants to come, even if he has to put up with patchouli-scented airplane air for 18 hours or so.
West Bev. Annie and Liam walk through the halls joking about their Vivaldi presentation. "And then I said crescendo, hahahahahaha!" Annie suggests they kill time by doing an interpretive dance and tells Liam to bring his ballet slippers. Yikes, Funny Annie is even more vomitous than Morose Annie. Who knew such was possible? Liam takes off for class while Annie stops by her locker. When she closes her locker, guess who's there like so many horror movie clichés. Jasper. Credits.
When we return, Annie and Jasper have found an empty classroom to talk. He tells her his doctors have suggested it's time to "re-integrate" back to civilian life. He says he feels better and only has a few things to say to her, per his doctor-prescribed healing process. He tells her that he was always an outcast, that he saw how much his uncle's death affected her, and took advantage of the situation. Only he fell in love with her. When she threatened to leave, he panicked. He apologize, calling her "one of the good ones," and begs for her forgiveness and a glimmer of hope that they might be friends again. She stops him, saying she can and does forgive him, but they'll never be friends. Too much baggage. He says he understands her and thanks her for listening to him. All in all, forgetting the fact that Hobo Killer Annie deserves no thanks or apologies because she fails at life, it was a pretty reasonable scene. I actually kind of liked Jasper way back when before they wrote themselves into a corner and sent him over the edge (literally). Come to think of it, that's kind of a trend with just about every character on this show. Except for Annie. She sucks.
Outside, Silver is decked out in full '90s gear with the loose menswear shirt and the Depped-up bangs. It's like they finally got wind of all my requests from those first recaps (back when I had hope!). I swear, though, if they pan down and she's wearing pants that are pleated, cuffed, or palazzo, I fight spontaneously combust. Anyhow... Silver asks Teddy why his tennis practice today is such a big deal. He says it's his last chance to get ready to defend his #1 national ranking, which is important for his seed in an upcoming national tournament. He needs to go, so they peck and smooch a couple more times before Silver sends him off and giggles like a half-wit.
Speaking of half-wittery, seriously Silver? One earring again. Literally this time she's not even wearing a smaller earring on the other ear. Just one earring in the right ear. As a statement. Of what? I don't know. Naomi approaches and wonders salaciously if Teddy's "dipped his pen in the old inkwell." Ew. Silver says they haven't had sex yet. She wants to, but last time she dabbled in sex (and homemade porn), she was in the throes of a manic episode. Meanwhile, remember how Silver has Manic Depressive Disorder? I didn't! And remember how Silver has a sister? And a nephew? Me neither! She says she feels like a virgin again (that explains the bangs!) and wonders how she'll know when it's right to steal home. Oh wait, wrong sport. Naomi says she'll just know.
Outside, Navid waits by AAdrianna's car, smiling as he holds a freshly picked patch of tulips. His smile fades when a limo pulls up in front of him. Out swaggers Navid Lite with an even bigger, definitely more expensive, bouquet to sweep AAdrianna off her feet. He tells her he's got a special night planned and that he had his assistant pick out an outfit for her to wear, so no need to go anywhere but inside the limo. She climbs in without even catching a glimpse of Navid and his sad, drooping flowers.
Over at the tennis court, Spence is watching Teddy practice when he hears Teddy's phone beep with a "Miss u" message from Silver. Teddy finishes the rally and comes over for some water. Spence mentions the text and says it looks like Silver is having a hard time accepting that it's over. Teddy breaks it to him that he didn't end things with Silver because he loves her. He insists he can be in a relationship and focus on his tennis. Spence hits Teddy where it hurts, saying he thought Teddy might be his one kid to succeed.
La Casa Nueva. Dixon starts to ask Debbie and Harry whether he can go to Australia. Harry cuts him off before he can even finish his sentence, saying Dixon doesn't deserve a trip right now. Debbie doesn't know about the gambling and vandalism, so she wonders why. Dixon covers for both of them and says it's okay, that he won't go. Debbie sticks to her guns. So does Harry. Debbie gets snippy, saying she has a say, too. Dixon tries to get them both to drop it, but Debbie tells him that the two of them will discuss it "like a couple" and get back to him. The angry looks going on between those two could cut glass.
Meanwhile, AAdrianna walks around on an empty stage on which Navid Lite has placed lavishly decorated, candlelit table. She sits down and moons at him while he serenades her with his guitar.
Across town, the music keeps playing as Teddy pays a late-night visit to Silver. She notices that he's a bit out of sorts. He tells her about his dad being pushy and says her place sometimes feels like the only place he can breathe. He tells her that she makes him happy, and she says he makes her happy, too. They start kissing. Soon enough, zippers and buttons are being undone. He says he thought she wanted to wait. She says she did but now, "It just feels so right!" Wow, that line delivery made my head spin. Not in a good way. Good thing it's a commercial break because I'm going to be in the bathroom for the few minutes. Ironically, that made me feel more pervy than watching Silver's porno.
And we're back! Speaking of puke, that's the color of Naomi's smokin' new car. Literally, it's smoking. Liam offers to check it out as Naomi bitches about how Jen turned in her Mercedes and has broken her down to a practical ragamuffin begging for scraps on the street. Liam tries to find the silver lining that she's only got six more months until she turns 18 and can regain control of her trust fund. Naomi isn't having any of it. She can't take another day of poverty: "I can't shop, I can't spa, I might as well eat fast food out of the trash can!" She thinks J. Boyd is the key to returning to her former glory.
Liam tells her to tone it down, and she blows up at him for being unsympathetic to her plight. He finally goes off on her like he should have weeks ago. He tells her if anyone hasn't been present in the relationship, it's been her. He calls her out for having no idea what's gone on in his life for the last month then basically tells her to suck it and walks off.
Over at Casa Nueva, Debbie welcomes Dixon home with a pathetic Australian accent and a heaping plate of bangers and mash. Wouldn't "shreemp ahn the bahbee" have been a more seasonally and culturally appropriate meal? Either way, she tells him he can go to Australia if he buys his own ticket.
Back at West Bev, AAdrianna wonders why people are staring at her. Silver reminds her that she is, in fact, dating an international celebrity who swings by the school to pick her up in a limo. She asks if AAdrianna will do an interview for the Blaze about recording with Navid Lite, then casually mentions that Lila was supposed to do it until she and Navid broke up last week. AAdrianna is shocked and annoyed that Silver didn't tell her Navid was single sooner. Which begs the question, Why? AAdrianna tries to play it off, even when Silver asks her directly if she likes Navid. AAdrianna insists that Navid would have told her himself if he wanted her back.
Inside, Jasper clomps through the halls on his crutches when that gambling, vandalizing prick (Mark something?) and his baseball goons surround him to welcome him back. It's completely unwarranted, but he's on a role, so he goes for the jugular, suggesting that Jasper killed his own uncle. Annie hears this and jumps to Jasper's defense because, frankly, it's kind of her job. The prick smirks and says they belong together before pushing them into one another. Jasper says she didn't have to do that, but she insists she did. She says all of this mess started with her. He stops her to thank her. He tells her twice, emphatically, that he forgives her and leans in to stroke her shoulder appreciatively. In the distance, Liam literally huffs and puffs as he gets an eyeful of this reconciliation.
That night, Spence drops by Silver's for a little chat. He asks how long they've been dating. She says a couple months. He tells her Teddy's been preparing to be a professional tennis player since he was four, and now he's on the brink of his one shot. He asks if she wants to be the one to ruin his one chance, then offers her up to $150,000 to walk away. She shows him the door. He leaves her with these parting words: "If you love my son, don't get in the way of his dream."
Liam's garage. Naomi has come to apologize for her self-absorbed behavior of late. She promises to be there for him, despite her screw-ups, and asks what's wrong. He says how his dad showed up and how he fell for his lies. Naomi can't believe she wasn't there for him and reiterates that she won't abandon him again. "Poor people tend to be honorable," she jokes.
Blaze office. Navid tortures himself looking at pictures of "Javianna." More like Heave-ianna He swiftly clicks out of the window when AAdrianna comes in looking for Silver. She breezily asks about his break-up with Lila. He prattles on about how he can't be tied down, prompting some "What are you doing?" looks from Dixon. Navid asks how life is in the world of Heave-ianna. AAdrianna shies up that he saw the paparazzi shots, and Navid tries to claim he didn't which falls apart instantly because how else would he know the name? Eventually he pins it on Dixon and mumbles something about Javier being "a great guy" who probably has washboard abs. AAdrianna's all, "Ummm... I guess so." Navid weirdly starts snapping and bobbing his head, screaming, "I knew it! You go, girl!" If you can't tell already, this is super-awkward. Like awkward to the max, y'all. Even AAdrianna's caught on by now. She changes topics, inviting the guys to her show the night. Never one to let an awkward situation die, Navid tries act all popular and in-demand, claiming he'll "run in through the old calendario." Yikes.
AAdrianna leaves, and Dixon wonders why Navid just went all weird and gay with the washboard abs comments. Navid thinks he's sunk. He can't compete with Javier on any level. "My rabbi made me lip sync the Torah portion at my bar mitzvah!" (Wait, he's a Persian Jew porn king's son? The plot thickens!) Dixon reminds Navid that he's got one thing that Javier doesn't have: History with AAdrianna. He tells Navid to man up and make his play already.
That afternoon, Teddy totally whiffs his big important tennis match. Silver watches glumly, thinking it's all her fault.
Over at the beach, Dixon is selling his carefully crafted two-year-old iPod, complete with a playlist for every occasion and dock, to some stoner. The guy coughs up $200 after realizing he can groove at the gym to "Annie's Sweet 16 Play List." Ivy spots this and wonders why Dixon is selling all his stuff. He says his parents told him to pay for his own ticket and brags that he's made $600 so far. He says he's pinning all his hopes on the trip because his family life is in shambles. Ivy gets visibly nervous.
Back at the courts, Teddy comes out to find Silver still sitting in the empty stadium. He's pissed that he was beaten by someone he beat in the past, lost his ranking, screwed up his draw at nationals, and thrown away everything he worked toward for years. He blames himself for staying up too late the night before. Silver blames herself for, I don't know, having a distracting vagina? She tells Teddy the relationship is too serious and isn't working. Teddy doesn't get a word in before she hurries off so he won't see her cry.
That night, Naomi walks in on Heave-ianna making out in AAdrianna's dressing room before the big gig. Navid Lite makes his way out as AAdrianna explains he can't stay for the performance because he has his own gig in New York the day. They share one more kiss before Naomi squeals that the house is full. AAdrianna wonders if Navid is there. Naomi immediately gets worried: "Oh no, Navid again?" AAdrianna insists there's no "again" because they've both moved on.
Out in the venue, Navid finds Dixon to prove that such is actually the opposite of the truth. He's brought a gold Tiffany charm bracelet with mementos symbolizing their history to remind her that no one knows her like he does. There's an '11' and a '6' because they first kissed on the sixth of November; her favorite flower, the tulip, and her favorite food, a hamburger with lots of pickles. What a gross bracelet. Regardless, Navid is pumped on his plan to put the bracelet in her dressing room while she's performing. Attached to it will be a note to meet her on the roof afterward, like An Affair to Remember. For this piece of the puzzle, he's even got a miniature snow globe featuring the Empire State Building. He tells Dixon to wish him luck. He walks back as AAdrianna and her Autotune mic takes the stage. He puts the Tiffany box daintily on the counter with visible glee.
Meanwhile, Ivy enters the venue looking even schlumpier than usual. Dixon finds her and gives her a kiss. She gets into it quickly, saying he shouldn't be selling all his stuff to come with her to Australia. He defensively asks how else he'll get the money. "We're not all rich, you know." She takes that pretty much how you'd expect, and they descend into a totally unnecessary fight about how judgmental each other is being. It's all a mask for her commitment freak-out, but it ends pretty much as well as she could have planned with him bailing on Australia -- and the relationship.
Back at West Bev, Annie and Liam are planning their project on her computer. He seems really distracted, so she asks what's going on. He says he saw her with Jasper and warns her against hanging out with him again. She defends Jasper and says he apologized before begging him to change the subject. Back to the project then? Liam goes to open a document, inadvertently clicking open one named "untitled." Here's when we realize why the stupid non-English-related Vivaldi project exists in the first place: So Liam can find out that Annie is a mad murderess! He double-clicks the document, which reads quite clearly "On prom night, I accidentally killed a man." Annie slams the computer shut as quickly as she can. Liam asks what that was about. She doesn't even try to cover, just says she doesn't feel like working anymore. He grabs his book and walks off, leaving her in mid-flip out.
Back at AAdrianna's gig, Dixon and Silver run into each other and commiserate about their crappy days and new status as singletons. The wastoid who bought Dixon's iPod comes up to drunkenly compliment Dixon's taste in music and pour them each a big ol' cup of black-label vodka. [From a bottle that he pulled out of his pants. Gross! -- Angel] The three of them clink glasses and take a bitter slug.
Outside, Ivy runs into some boho-lookin' streetwalker -- oh wait, that's just MILF! She updates her on the fallout with Dixon. MILF encourages her to move past her fears because there are these things called airplanes that go both ways. She encourages Ivy to talk to Dixon about her feelings instead of picking a fight.
Back inside, Dixon and Silver are stumbling around in an inebriated haze looking for the bathroom. Dixon thinks he's found it, but it's just a broom closet. Silver pulls him in for no apparent reason, then gets all sappy and tells him that he's a good guy and she never should have dumped him. He says Teddy's a fool, too, and that Silver is a great girl. They laugh giddily, getting closer and closer until they're kissing. After a few seconds, they pull apart, shocked. They laugh, chalk it up to drunkenness, and agree to pretend it never happened.
They head out the broom closet and cross paths with Ivy, who's too self-absorbed to see the signs of the hot mess that just occurred. Silver skitters away, and Ivy launches into her "feelings" talk about how she overreacted and came to think of Australia like they were getting engaged. Dixon says he just wanted to get away, "maybe see or kangaroo or something." She says she still wants him to come on the trip, and they're back together.
AAdrianna finishes singing and goes back to her dressing room. Before she sees Navid's gift, Javier pops in to say he couldn't resist staying to hear her sing. He was so impressed that he wants her to join him on the private plane and come duet with him on-stage tomorrow. He says they have to leave now, but he'll send his assistant to pack up her dressing room and bring it to the hotel in New York. She's thrilled at the chance. They run down the hall as the camera pans down and focuses on the unopened Tiffany box. Up on the roof, Navid hears the screams of tweens. He looks down to see Heave-ianna getting into the limo.
Casa Nueva. Harry corners Dixon in his room to take him to task for having the balls to ask about Australia while he's still on probation. Dixon plays dumb, claiming Debbie said she talked about it with Harry. Harry reminds him that of course Debbie would be supportive since she doesn't know about Dixon's recent crime spree. But she does now! Debbie walks in right as Harry is talking about the gambling and the breaking and entering. She demands to know what happened.
The day, Liam meets his mom (who is suddenly a 29-year-old?) for lunch at the beach club. Her phone rings. She says it's a potential new housekeeper, but she'll call back. Liam wonders why they're getting a new housekeeper, so she explains that the old one stole Liam's stepdad's coins. Liam gets stone-faced and calls Naomi at the first chance. She happens to be driving around L.A. in her clunker. She stops red light spots Jen walking down the street with a man. When Liam asks her to meet up, she blows him off to go a-sleuthin'! She pretends to be sick in bed with the flu, but her cover is blown when she forgets to turn off her Bluetooth and chews out a guy who honked at her.
And who does Liam turn to? Annie. He apologize for sticking his nose in her business and asks her to meet him in the park.
Meanwhile, Naomi stomps into the office where Jen and her manfriend are sitting. She assumes that this fellow is J. Boyd and accuses him of having an affair with Jen. He looks horrified, and it becomes immediately clear that she's not his type. Jen says this is her new assistant. Then a nurse says Dr. Boyd will see Jen now. She pulls an artfully draped scarf away from her midsection and gives us the big reveal: Baby bump!
week: Thank the Lord, it's the season finale! Love, hate, fist fights, murder confessions, and statutory rape. Good times had by all!
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