In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
AAdrianna gets her big break in the form of a chance to write a duet for herself and Latin heartthrob Javier. The only snag is that she has to do it in two days. Cue massive freak-out, shockingly with no drugs. Progress? Instead she seeks solace in Navid. Lila is shockingly cool about it, having overcome her insecurities about Navid and AAdrianna's relationship. Wouldn't you know as soon as Lila gets too comfortable and stable as a girlfriend, Navid realizes he misses the challenge of a wackadoo junkie girlfriend who'll undoubtedly leave him for John Mayer the minute she hears her own song on the radio. Also, a girlfriend who likes boardwalk carnivals! Yep, that's where Navid inexplicably takes AAdrianna to inspire her to write a duet for her and Javier. Perhaps cotton candy is a suitable substitute for speed after all, because AAdrianna finds her songwriter's voice -- and that voice is Mandy Moore. Her song is chosen, Javier delights in her incisive lyrics, and a new amor has bloomed.
Also feeling the amor are Teddy and Silver. Teddy makes up for keeping Silver from his father by inviting her over for family cookout where she can humiliate herself herself, thank you very much. She insults iconic actor Spence Montgomery on everything from his grilling skills to his film choices. Somehow he still manages to find her charming, then summarily tells Teddy to drop her like a hot potato because he needs to focus on his burgeoning tennis career. Teddy considers it for a full match, but then he wins and realizes that his victories are nothing without Silver. He <3s her.
And as for the hate? Well Naomi has that covered. She enters the episode shattered by the news that Jen's back in town. Despite Liam's incredibly empathetic, kid-gloved approach to her bullshit dilemma, she ends the episode straight-up seething. And how? Basically, Jen's gotten back together with cheating hubby Olivier and convinced him to buy not only the beach club but also Naomi's house. Jen coldly tells the Perma Donna that she has 29 days to vacate, during which time Jen will be bringing in as much noisy, life-destroying construction equipment as possible. Jen turns on a dime just hours later, promising Naomi she can have the house. For anyone whose brains hadn't been addled by curl-enhancing chemicals, it would be a clear signal that something is up. But this is Naomi we're talking about. Mind you, all of this is going on while Liam's life literally comes crashing down around him. In short, he stole some rare coins from his stepfather's collection in the hopes he and his jailbird could use them to start a new life together. Well, prison pappy starts a new life all right, probably down in Mexico, thanks to Liam's stolen coinage. And the poor guy tries to tell Naomi this at least twice, but she's too absorbed in her own drama. Want to know the kicker? She tells Olivier what a stank ho Jen is, thereby sending him hurtling into the lap of another woman and securing $16 million for Jen, thanks to a fidelity agreement she suckered him into during this temporary reconciliation. Also? Jen is now executor of Naomi's trust fund.
And then there were ... The Wilsons, who finally admit that their marriage isn't working. Dixon and Ivy, who grow closer by the minute. Annie, who is as big a brat as ever, except this time her melodrama fits snugly into the hole in Liam's heart; more on that week, I'm sure. And Matthews, who's a drunk, pier-stumbling, hot dog-eatin' fool!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Liam's jailbird pops blew into town. Dixon blew his clean high school record by letting some nogoodniks into the school with Harry's keys. And Debbie blew up at Harry for not giving a damn about her (nonexistent) problems, when in fact she was the one who stepped out on him(ish). Teddy's father blew off Teddy at a tennis match -- because he'd never heard of her! And Jen just blows.
West Bev. A clearly distraught Naomi sits in the hall post-SATs. Liam asks her what's wrong, and she updates him that Jen's back in town and pouts that Jen's taken over the beach club -- her beach club. Liam insists that it's not their problem, that there are plenty of places to lay out and order smoothies around L.A., but Naomi's inconsolable. Liam urges her to turn the other cheek and even offers to mist her while she's tanning like the beach club staffers. It's kind of cute. And totally not Liam.
Silver's. Teddy drops by to apologize about the whole "I didn't introduce you to my dad" thing. Silver is loath to take the apology because she's still pretty humiliated. Teddy hems and haws about how his dad's "complicated" and "judgmental." Judgmental totally being the wrong choice because it prompts Silver to ask if she's lower than the esteemed Montgomerys. You know, because movie stars are totally old money and not interchangeable at all. Teddy assures Silver that his dad will like her and that, in fact, it's kind of an honor because he's never liked a girl enough to do the parental meet-and-greet. She ignores how patronizing that crap was and accepts his invitation. They smooch.
Liam's garage. Prison pappy's on the phone negotiating the sale of Liam's stepdad's rare coins. You know, the ones that Liam stole from Male-eficent. Yeah, this is going to end well... So pappy and his shady connection settle on $15,000 and plan to meet at his roach motel in two hours. Liam suggests they celebrate afterward. His face is more hopeful than ever, making it painfully obvious that this harebrained scenario is going to end in heartache.
Ivy's MILF's studio. AAdrianna comes in all impressed that MILF used the phrase "Take five" with the sound engineer. It's almost like someone (*cough* writers *cough*) forgot that AAdrianna used to be a friggin' TV star. she'll be marveling about the pointy thing with the fuzzy that they use to catch sound. Sheesh. MILF asks AAdrianna if she'd be interested in recording a duet with Latino heartthrob Javier. AAdrianna pulls out Persons magazine -- double sheesh -- with Javier on the cover and squeals that she's a massive fan. She bought the Christmas album! Can I triple sheesh? Is that even allowed? MILF tells AAdrianna that Javier is going on tour soon, so they're under a bit of a time crunch. The problem isn't scheduling, though, it's Javier's idea of hit music. She plays the sample, and it sounds a bit like Nelly Furtado's Timbaland phase threw up on Jim Verraros. (Remember him? Idol Season 1, what?!) Clearly this isn't "edgy" enough for MILF, so AAdrianna offers to try to write something herself. Because this would totally happen in real life, MILF gives the chance of a lifetime to the untested rookie who can do a passable Kate Nash impression.
Liam's garage. Liam calls the hotel his dad claimed to be staying at. Surprise, surprise, prison pappy checked out an hour before.
Clarkette Compound. Naomi returns home to find a stranger measuring her PoMo eaves. Jen coolly informs her that she persuaded Olivier to buy the place as "a sort of a country house." Naomi protests that it's her house. Jen specifies that it's only her house for 29 more days, then snots, "but if the construction bothers you, feel free to vacate sooner." Served! Credits.
Liam's garage. Liam sits and broods over his misplaced hope in pappy. He finally sucks it up and calls Naomi, who doesn't even let him get in a word edgewise because she's too wrapped up in her own drama. Liam ignores the fact that he just stole and lost 15 grand and calmly reminds Naomi not to engage. She takes a pause (to breathe, I guess), so Liam starts to spill his own very real problems, but she full-on hangs up on him to go eat ice cream. What a hussy!
West Bev. AAdrianna shares her good news with Navid, who gives her a proud hug before heading off to the Blaze room. Silver and her janky one-earring situation approach and tut, "Well, well, well, the plot thickens." AAdrianna assures her that she and Navid are just friends. She says she respects what he has with Lila, and Navid deserves a little happiness after the ordeal she put him through. Truth. Silver changes topic and asks for some insider tips on Teddy's dad. AAdrianna confirms Teddy's "judgmental" stance, saying Spence either loves or hates people instantly. She senses that Silver is nervous and cringes for the horror that is to come. Get in line, sister.
Outside, Dixon runs into Ivy, who is getting pretty ticked off about how flaky he's been lately. Instead of embracing her own awesomeness... Oh wait, she sucks. So I guess it's right that she thinks it's her fault. There's only so much sandy underwear and patchouli aroma a brother can take, right? Dixon promises that he doesn't mean to blow her off and reminds her that he's indefinitely grounded. He persists in being oblique about the reasons behind his grounding, instead distracting her by inviting her over to his house tonight while Harry and Debbie are out. Whoa there with the charm, buddy! These "let's keep this a secret" attitude might just a send a girl into spells!
Beach club. Jen condescends in Spanglish to the fluent-in-English chef that she wants to class up the menu a bit. Before he can offer any feedback, Naomi walks in, and Jen shoos him away. Naomi gets to the point, asking what Jen wants. Jen lays it on thick with some B.S. story about how she's reconciled with Olivier, and they're more in love than ever... "which is why I can't allow you to tell him what happened last year." Ah, subterfuge! Now we're talking. Naomi calls Jen a raging tramp. To Jen's credit, she agrees and apologizes for being such a skagbasket to Naomi. She even offers to give Naomi back the house. And in case you weren't already vomiting from the unctuousness of it all, she practically clutches her chest as she says, "But what I really want is another chance with you. You're the only sister I have." A bridge too far, honey. But, as we know, Naomi's dumber than a bag of Slankets, so she appears to think somewhat seriously about Jen's invitation to have dinner with her and Olivier.
West Bev. Lila finds Navid in the Blaze room to pitch a piece about AAdrianna and Javier's song. She says she's gotten over her insecurities about AAdrianna since she's been able to watch Navid like a hawk in the last few weeks. And the hammer will fall in 3... 2....
Liam's garage. Our little craftsman is blasting music and sanding the bejesus out of his boat when Annie shows up unannounced. The music's so loud, in fact, that he doesn't hear her for a good few minutes. Or perhaps he's choosing not to? (Can you blame him?) Apparently they've got a joint project for Matthews on that esteemed pioneer of English literature, Antonio Vivaldi. Great work yet again, teach! Annie finally notices that Liam is bent out of shape and asks what's up. He gives her the Reader's Digest version of the scam his dad just pulled on him -- the childish hopes and the dashed dreams. He asks Annie to keep this information quiet. She suggests he should share it with Naomi because "after all, she is [his] girlfriend." Liam grunts a bitter "Yeah." Trouble in permed hair-adise!
Beach club. MILF and Matthews meet for drinks, though Matthews is trying to avert a hangover by ordering Ginger Ale, a.k.a. Alcoholic's Choice. MILF gets a work call and walks off, leaving Jen ample opportunity to saunter up in a sultry dress and call out to Matthews. He looks at her stunned for a moment until Olivier breaks the silence by walking up and chattering that the club needs signature umbrellas. Classy! Jen grabs the bull by the balls and introduces Olivier to Matthews. Olivier makes a big show of his largesse, telling the bartender to comp Matthews' drinks since he owns the joint. Matthews stammers as the inferiors do until finally Jen takes pity on him and tells Olivier they should head over to their table. Matthews pushes his limp Ginger Ale back to the table and asks the bartender to spice it up with a double shot of whiskey.
West Bev. Navid finds AAdrianna in mid-frenzy about her pathetic attempts at songwriting. He says he's sure she must have come up with something good and grabs her composition book. He flips through a good 10 pages before back down a little on the encouragement front. He tells her they'll figure out something together.
Elsewhere, Silver rides up on her Vespa to the Montgomery Manse. Teddy practically drags Silver to meet his father, who's at the grill reaming out his lawyer about something or other. Once he dismisses the minion, he perfunctorily says that Silver's an "interesting" name, then gives her zero time to respond before moving on to praise himself about his amazing meat-cookin' skills. Remember how Silver doesn't eat meat? Yeahhhhhh. Spence pulls a veggie burger out from under a massive slab of carcass and plops it on the grill. He asks about Silver's interests. Teddy tries to explain what exactly it is she does and settles on journalist. Spence snaps that he's "meet hundreds of journalists" hasn't liked one of them. Silver lets out a trembling laugh because what the Hell else is she going to do?
Meanwhile, Navid brings AAdrianna and the Lambo to the nearest pier for some good, clean fun. Instead, they find Matthews three sheets to the wind, with chili dog stains all over his shirt that are possibly the result of dumpster dining. He natters drunkenly for a bit about how they should call him "Matthews" (I'm a trendsetter!), does a piss-poor Taxi Driver impression that is totally lost on Beverly Hills teenagers, and says he's got to head home to grade papers. On the upside, they don't take his keys!
Montgomery Manse. Silver frets that she's making a bad impression. Teddy reassures her that she's doing fine. And then! Silver mistakenly identifies Spence's trophy girlfriend as Teddy's sister. Luckily she's too vapid to notice. She says that she and Spence met on a film, and everyone immediately pipes up what a great film it was. Everyone except Silver, of course. One highlight is when she calls it "offensively sexist and idiotic." Spence actually rolls with the punches well, and they all have a laugh about how lame the film was.
Boardwalk. Can you tell me again why Navid thinks a carnival will help AAdrianna write a Latin crossover song? Seriously, it makes no sense. Maybe I missed some pivotal (ha!) dialogue while I was scoffing at Matthews. It's been known to happen. In any case, the point is that Navid believes in AAdrianna and doesn't like to see her wallowing in self-doubt. Then they almost-kiss, only to be interrupted by Lila blowing up Navid's phone like she might have something to worry about. Imagine that! AAdrianna tells Navid she's sufficiently inspired and wants to go home to write now.
Beach club. Jen suggests they look at the dessert menu in the hopes that Naomi will show up. Speaking of the she-devil, Naomi arrives right that minute. She doesn't even bother sitting down before putting all of Jen's conniving and conspiring out there, including but not limited to her gold digging and sleeping with Naomi's 16-year-old boyfriend. Jen denies it all, but Olivier keeps it short and bitter: "You disgust me." He flings his napkin on the table, as Frenchmen are wont to do, and storms off. Naomi smirks that she's going home to pack and leaves Jen to stew.
La Casa Nueva. Dixon ushers Ivy into his room, where she is impressed by the trouble he went to to secure her favorite tacos and real Mexican Cokes. Before he gets to test out the Diet Doctor Roofie on surfer girl, Harry and Debbie make an unexpected return to the house. Dixon leaves Ivy in his room and heads outside to intercept the 'rents. Harry claims Debbie forgot her wallet, when in fact she forgot the marriage counselor's address. He can't hold off sniping at her for the therapist's office, so they start bickering right then in there.
Annie walks in on the verbal slap fight and asks what's going on between them. Harry tries to brush things under the rug. Annie brats that she's not an idiotic and storms upstairs to share Debbie's quasi-infidelity with Dixon. Harry and Debbie are hot on her tail, so she blurts it out for the whole family (plus Ivy) to hear. Harry admits that they have been going through a rough patch, and Debbie reveals they've been seeing a counselor. Dixon is caught up on the kissing, but Harry tells him that's just one of their many problems. Annie tries to get them to promise that everything will be okay, but neither of them want to make a promise they can't keep. Debbie says they love Annie and Dixon regardless, and Harry assures them they're doing the best they can. They leave for their appointment.
Annie tears up and asks hopelessly, "What are we going to do?" Dixon dejectedly asks if they can talk about it later. Annie takes this exactly as you might expect and reverts to brat mode. It's her first (and, really, only) defense. Dixon slumps back into his room where Ivy is trying to conjure up the least offensive synonym for "Awkward!" possible. Dixon sheepishly apologizes, and she tells him empathetically not to be sorry.
Clarkette Compound. Liam walks in to find Naomi drunk on Champagne and self-satisfaction. She tells him how she blew up all of Jen's lies like a pen in a Kelly bag. Liam half-heartedly congratulates her on coup de tart and tries once again to tell her what's gone down in his own life the last few days. In true Naomi style, she cuts him off about five words in to muse on the possibility of Jen having a bunk down in a beach club cabana that night. She skitters around slugging bubbles, completely oblivious to Liam's frustration and heartache.
Beach club. Lila meets up with Navid. He immediately pelts her with a string of compliments that she astutely recognizes as the preamble to a break-up speech. He says he's realized that he still has feelings for AAdrianna and thinks they should break up.
Liam's garage. The heartbreak kid paints his boat when Annie barges in. She wipes tears from her face and tells him she had a horrible night. She asks if she can help him with the painting, so he offers her a brush. They stand side by side, glossing over their pain.
Back at La Casa Nueva, Dixon notes that irony that his family -- the once source of stability in his life -- has finally crumbled. He apologizes again to Ivy for rambling. She says she's flattered that he trusts her this much. He laughs that this is their worst date yet. She says that, if dates are for getting to know each other, this one's accomplishing that in droves.
Montgomery Manse. Silver's long gone when Spence tells Teddy that Silver is a charming girl. Teddy accepts the compliment happily. Then Spence drops the bomb: He thinks Teddy's on the cusp of pro-ready tennis play, but he needs to focus more on the game. Translation: Take out the trash, kid.
The morning, Teddy and Silver meet before school. Apropos of Spence's designating her a "distraction," Silver suggests they see a movie before his match that night. He coldly echoes his dad's words about how he needs to focus, then blows her off with the excuse that he has to go to class.
Clarkette Compound. Jen interrupts Naomi's beauty sleep to inform her that everything has actually gone to plan. You see, Jen is like a champion chess player of stank -- she's always thinking five steps ahead. While Naomi thought she was shutting down Jen's schemes by revealing the sordid truth to Olivier, in fact she was only playing into Jen's hand. Olivier ended up finding solace in the arms (and legs, no doubt) of another woman, thus breaking a fidelity clause they had added into their pre-nup on this last reconciliation. And would you believe Jen commissioned a private dick to capture the money shots? Yes you would! And by "money shots," I literally mean money shots. Olivier's slip-up made Jen $16 million richer.
And there's more! Jen's manipulations don't just work on philandering Europeans. she turned to her father to tell him how recklessly Naomi's been blowing through her trust fund. She left out the part about how all that expenditures were her direct suggestions, of course. Papa Clarke couldn't be bothered to see through the smoke screen, so he handed Naomi's financial power of attorney over to Jen. Naomi runs off, presumably to vomit, faint, and die.
Montgomery Manse. Father and son return from Teddy's match, trophy in hand. Spence heads inside to polish the hardware when Silver drives up. She apologizes for being inconsiderate, and he apologizes for taking out his stress on her. He updates her on his victory, then says that winning was nothing without her there. He tells her he's in love with her. She smiles, and they kiss. Not shown: The gleam of a trophy and Spence's Danvers-esque glower in the window behind them.
MILF's studio. AAdrianna and Javier (who's a Navid knock-off if I ever saw one) record a DioGuardi Lite duet where 90% of the words are "love, real love!" Strike the Kate Nash reference, AAdrianna is positively Mandy Moore-esque. And as much as I love me some "Candy," I don't mean that in a good way. We're talking let's sing all the weekdays and call it a pop confection territory. Yikes. MILF dances outside like an old white person, then pounds it out with the token dreaded black person in the studio. Cringe.
Once they finish recording, MILF and the sound tech step outside for the smoke break. Javier marvels at how AAdrianna could write such a radio-ready hit in only two days. Of course he doesn't realize that it was actually probably written in about 10 minutes -- and without the help of drugs, unfortunately. Navid walks in with flowers to congratulate AAdrianna and confess his feelings for her. Only trouble is she doesn't notice because she's too busy basking in the glow of Javier's praise. He asks if she wrote the song for boyfriend. She says dismissively that there's no one special in her life, no boyfriend, nada. Because the mics are still live, Navid hears this. He throws the flowers in the trash before walking out.
week: Things get muy caliente between AAdrianna and Javier. Really? There are two episodes left, and that's all you got? Did I mention that this show has already been renewed for season? Sweet.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the question that will Never Be Answered.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.