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Crossroads a-plenty… and not the ones where Annie plows down unsuspecting itinerants, either!
Speaking of that drivin' maniac, Annie is happily settling into an almost-dating groove with the nephew of the man she murdered -- I will never stop pointing out how weird that is -- when Date Rape Mark decides to jam his pecker back into her life. Partly because his jock friends make fun of him for being thrown by the wayside for an outcast loser that looks like Kris Allen's Mini Me. Partly because he's date-raped all the other sophomores and doesn't want to have to resort to the freshmen until second semester. He plants some doubt in Annie's mind about Kris Jr. being a knife-wielding maniac and whatnot. Instead of considering the source, Annie passive-aggressively calls things off with Kris Jr. and proceeds to hop into DRM's car for a night out on the town. And by "on the town" we obviously mean in a secluded spot where he can ply her with California chardonnay and date-rape her some more. Not at all un-creepily, Kris Jr. appears from nowhere to save his fair damned-sel. They pick back up where they started just in time for Kris Jr. to take his knife-wielding skillz over to DRM's house to eff up his car real good.
And speaking of picking back up where things left off, AAdrianna rashly decides to drop sweet, predictable Navid for his polar opposite, that capricious, beachy-blonde rogue Teddy. After a day of scampering on the beach and making out without abandon, AAdrianna is practically picking out the music for their first dance at the wedding. The record scratches, and Teddy reminds her that he's way too horny and self-obsessed to love anyone more than himself. For Teddy, you see, it's only casual flings. Slapped up by reality, AAdrianna stumbles back to Navid to patch things up. Thanks God for all of us, he displays a morsel of self-respect and tells her not to let the door hit her on the way out.
Naomi should have done the same for Jen. Instead, she lets the worthless fortune squanderer continue to plow through her trust fund. This time to the tune of $100,000. Jen claims it's to keep her hotshot divorce lawyer on retainer so she can get half of her ex's money, but it's really so she can buy a purebred race horse to make them millions at the track. What a great plan! You know, since horses never break legs and have to be shot and stuff. D'oh!
Speaking of washed-up old nags that should probably be put out of their misery, Jackie weasels her way back into Kelly and Silver's life. In light of her terminal cancer diagnosis (which has yet to be independently confirmed by any doctors, I might add), Jackie capitalizes on Silver's regret for tearing her a new one at last week's AA meeting. She invites Silver to move back in with her. Silver flinches at this suggestion and consults Kelly about Jackie's imminent death and return to their lives. Kelly tells Jackie to go off into the woods and leave poor, bipolar Silver alone. Jackie concedes to this, but only after telling Silver this was all at Kelly's suggestion. Her manipulations work, driving a wedge between Kelly and Silver, and driving Silver back into the emotionally tumultuous environs that triggered her mental disorder in the first place.
You want stability then, eh? Well you won't find it at the Nueva Casa. Not this week. Instead we've got Wild Man Harry, out on the prowl and partying with Matthews like it's 1992! He suckers the hapless teach into a boys' night out on the town, where they chit-chat like catty girls and commiserate about the confounding women in their lives. For Harry it's mopey Annie, bossy Deb and enigmatic Kelly. For Matthews it's Jen "Excuse Me While I Blow My Sugar Daddy" Clark. Matthews solves his problems by picking up a number from a bartender with low hair hygiene standards. Harry solves nothing, comes home already hung-over, and inadvertently calls Debbie "Kelly." Oh Harry, your headache has only just begun.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Free-wheelin' Annie killed a hobo and moved in on his nephew. Free-spending Jen milked Naomi's trust fund and moved in with her. Navid lost his virginity with AAdrianna just as Teddy was making his move. Silver lost her shit on boozehound mama Jackie just as the cancer spread through her breasts.
Chez Taylor. Silver reads online about cancer. Kelly comes in jabbering about cilantro, but Silver is visibly distracted. She debates telling Kelly about Jackie's diagnosis. The guidance counselor in Kelly kicks in, and Silver comes out with it. Silver feels bad that she told Jackie to drop dead in light of her fatal disease. Kelly remains staunch on her anti-Jackie position. She remembers more of the emotional fuckery from the good old days. She vows not to get sucked back into Jackie's drama, and begs Silver to do the same despite Silver's pleas that Jackie might be for real this time.
West Bev parking lot. Kris Jr., nephew of the late Hobo Joe, jabbers about Bunuel and such. Annie's eyes glaze over. They bond over their shared reject status. They agree to go on a movie date and moon over each other a bit after he saps about how "nice" she is. Oh, just you wait, li'l man. Liquor her up a little, and she'll even let you photograph some of her "nicer" attributes. And speaking of, across the way, Date Rape Mark's meathead friends tease him when they spy Annie Rachel Wood chatting with "Mr. Columbine." Heh.
Over at the stable, some Italian sausage hits on Jen as she grooms her horse. She rebuffs his advances until she spots a beautiful horse that she simply must have. The Salsicce says he could be worth a fortune if he hits the races. Just then, Naomi approaches, and Signore Salami makes his exit. Outside, the girls begin their ride. Jen mentions that she's started the divorce. She says, casually like it's a fiver, that they just need to send in the deposit -- 100 GRAND! -- by Thursday. Even Naomi is taken aback by this hefty amount. She suggests Jen scale back her caliber of lawyer, but Jen says she needs a primo lawyer so she can overturn the pre-nup. Naomi's all, "Jigga what? Pre-nup?!" Jen seems to think Olivier's philandering will undo the contract, but Naomi isn't so convinced, seeing how she's got six figures to lose. They squabble over the merits of being fiscally responsible. Jen calls Naomi a trust fund brat. Naomi reminds Jen that she didn't even finish at Yale before hooking herself out to the highest bidder. Jen gets nasty, saying, "And now you're offering me romantic advice? That's a laugh. You couldn't even keep your little high school James Dean happy." Way harsh, Jen.
Beach club. Navid and AAdrianna muse over dinner -- the titular Wild Alaskan Salmon, in fact. Hmmm... Navid moves onto more serious topics. He thinks things have been off between them lately. He prattles on about feelings and tectonics and whatnot, but AAdrianna doesn't hear a word because she's mentally drooling over Teddy from across the room. He moves his yammering over to architecture, and she realizes she can't stand it anymore. She breaks up with him, claiming she needs to figure out who she is outside of their relationship. She apologizes and runs off before he can get a word out. Navid = punched in the gut. Damn that salmon. Bouncy credits.
Liam's garage. Navid runs down the hit-and-run break-up AAdrianna just subjected him to as Dixon walks in. Navid practically pounces on Dixon in need of a man-hug. Dixon deflects by walking over to a covered car to check it out. Liam is skittish, telling Dixon to keep his hands off. They look back at Navid, deep in hang-dog. They look back at each other, flummoxed by a teenage male expressing emotions. Liam suggests they grab a couple six-packs and head down to the beach to drink their troubles away. Navid is still in the denial portion of the evening. He thinks he can make sense of AAdrianna's sudden freak-out. He starts running over the mundane story once again.
Sober house. AAdrianna agonizes over a text to break the good(?) news to Teddy. She settles on: "Just broke up with Navid... Guess now I'm alone." He immediately (and I mean immediately) gets back to her to ask when they're "hanging out." She smiles. Hope you get knocked up again, you skank. Teddy will have a few ideas on how to deal with that situation. And I'm sure none of them will involve rings and compassion. Seriously, Navid may have been the only redeeming thing about her, in retrospect. Hrmph.
Matthews' anti-manse. Jen pops a beer and asks how Teach can handle all those bratty teenagers all day. He reassures her that Naomi's not so bad. She looks up to her big sis, in fact, and is lucky to have Jen. Ha! What a sucker. He deserves this money-grubbin' harpy. Then they start foreplay. At which point I stick my fingers in my ear and say, "La! La! Laaaaaaa!" I'm brought out of it when Jen's phone rings. It's a call from Eduardo. Matthews gets pissy that Jen is servicing her sugar daddies practically right in front of his face. She doesn't even try to act remorseful about it, then distracts him with some more hobaggery.
The day at West Bev, DRM ambushes Annie at her locker. He says all casual-like that they haven't hung out in a while. She feigns bewilderment as to why she wouldn't want to spend oodles of time with a molester-y jagoff who distributes porny images of her. He cops to being an idiot with the whole sext thing but tries to pin it on that bitch Naomi. He suggests they hang out again. She remains unenthusiastic. He asks if she's seeing someone. Maybe, she says. He says that Kris Jr. is a psycho who pulled a knife on someone last spring. He warns her to be careful.
Down the hall, Kelly bumps into Harry. He reminds her they had tentatively planned on a lunch date but thinks she's been avoiding her. She acts evasive and avoids giving him a solid answer before scurrying off. Harry laughs it off. Must be that time of the month, har har.
Across town, Silver knocks on Jackie's door. A nurse escorts Silver to the room where Jackie is sitting. Bald, I might add. Jackie jumps up to put on her wig. Silver looks on in horror. Later, Jackie pours Silver some tea and tells her she got a prognosis of three months. She says they found the cancer last year. Even though she stopped drinking and allowed all the medical procedures, the cancer came back and has spread all over. Silver apologizes for saying such hurtful things at the meeting, saying she didn't know Jackie was sick. Jackie forgives her and tells her to focus on the present instead of the past. She's just happy Silver is willing to come back into her life. Then she takes it one step further, asking Silver to move back home with her. Silver is stunned speechless.
West Bev. Kris Jr. finds Annie in the caf. He asks if he can eat with her, gratuitously adding that she's the first person he's asked that of in two years. Not the best way to dissuade her you're a freak show, bud. She claims she has to study for a quiz. He tries to make a joke about how he eats "super quietly -- it's almost freakish." Lead balloon. She starts off, like a girl heading upstairs in a horror movie, but he asks if she's okay. He double-checks whether they're still going to the movies later. She makes an excuse, so he tries to book for another day. She gives him the brush-off.
Out in the corridor, Matthews talks into a dead cell phone, pretending he actually has a wingman. Oh, Matthews... I scoff at thee. Harry walks up and, just as desperately, offers to be Matthews' wingman. He offers to join Matthews in going out to knock "back a few frosties." Matthews looks perplexed, wondering what fun can be had in double-fisting chocolate shakes. (Lots, if you ask me.) Harry clarifies: "Brewskies." Oh, Jeez. I don't like where this is going. Not one bit. Matthews reluctantly agrees to indulge Harry's Michael Scott moment, mainly because he offers to pay for the first round... and makes a swift exit before Matthews can actually say no.
Beach club. Naomi meets Jen for a bitchness meeting. Jen stops short of crying crocodile tears as she apologizes for being a hag. Naomi reciprocates. Jen says she's decided to remove some of the stress on their relationship by moving out of the Compound until the divorce is finished. She says she wants to stop dragging her little sis down, that she'll figure something out. Naomi looks on despondently as Jen contemplates which appetizer she's ordering. She can't resist one last knife in the side, though: "I want to enjoy this place while I'm still a member!"
Back at West Bev, Matthews knocks on Kelly's door to give her Silver's homework for the afternoon. Kelly asks why Silver wasn't in class, and Matthews tells her that he thought she was taking Jackie to a doctor's appointment. He heads out. Kelly is pissed.
Kelly heads over to talk to Jackie. Jackie gets a bit maudlin and starts to make amends for all the bad times they had together. Kelly is having none of it. She says it's the past. In the present and future, however, she wants Jackie to leave Silver alone. She warns her about Silver's bipolar disorder and says she thinks the emotional rollercoaster Jackie will inevitably introduce into her life will be nothing short of catastrophic. Kelly says that, as a mother, Jackie should want to do what's best for her daughter. And that would be leaving Silver alone. Hey! Speaking of deadbeat mothers, where the heck is Kelly's bastard son? He'll probably come back in, like, three episodes and be in tenth grade. Soap-tacular!
West Bev. Annie joins DRM on his way to his car to thank him for warning her about Kris Jr. He apologizes again for being a prick, then goes in for the kill. Since she's single, he infers, she must want to hang out with him again. She responds, "What the Hell?" like he's that third shot of Cuervo or a last-minute trip down to Daytona Beach. A ringing endorsement! She hops in his car, and they head off for an impromptu date. Beholding this all, extra-creepily of course, is Kris Jr. Standing in the bushes. Did I mention extra creepy?
Beach club. Jen tries to close her own membership, but Naomi stops her. She shoves a check in her face, saying she won't let money drive a wedge in their family, and tells her to take "that cheating frog ex-husband for all he's worth." They hug and, amazingly, Jen has enough strength not to let out an unctuous, evil grin. Definitely not soap-tacular.
Outside on the beach, AAdrianna watches Teddy monkey around on the rings. They flirt and tease and kiss. They agree they're having a great day together. He says it feels great kissing her without feeling like something's wrong. Yeah, nothing wrong with ripping a confused, easily impressionable girl from another (much nicer) guy's arms. Not a thing.
Chez Taylor. Silver opens the gate to find Jackie waiting for her. She tells her Kelly told her to stay away, and that Kelly is right. Kind of a cheap, manipulative move. Now Silver will inevitably blame Kelly if she has any regrets about how things play out. Low blow, basement Jacks. Just as low, she runs off before Silver can say anything back. Manipulative, cowardly and a former pill-popping alchie. I wonder why your kids hate you!
Downtown, Harry shares "frosties," wings, and shots with a super-bored-looking Matthews. They commiserate about an opera-singing Starbucks barista on their way to work, complete with a Harry mezzo-soprano impression. Matthews plays along but is clearly embarrassed. Then Harry walks off, saying, "I have got to drain the lizard. Let's keep spitballin'!" Wow. He really hasn't kept up with the lingo since college, has he? What does that even mean? Then he sings the order for another round as Matthews slumps lower and lower on his bar stool.
A woman approaches and asks who that sexy weirdo of a friend is. Matthews quips that he's a recent release from the local institution. She laughs along coyly, then points out her two hot friends across the room. Before Matthews can make any headway, Harry comes back to monopolize his time some more. He starts in on some French school lady with a wooden hand that visited the school. She, like, the barista is "such a diva." Matthews spies all the hot girls around the room and wonders what he got himself into with this man-date business.
Back at the beach, AAdrianna and Teddy continue their date. They smug about how they've picked up right where they started, even though AAdrianna was seeing Navid when Teddy slithered his way back into her life. She says that, in the interest of not hurting Navid, they should keep their relationship on the DL for a little while. Teddy's all, "Whoa there, sister? Relationship what?" He reminds her -- as if she didn't really know -- that he's not exactly a "going steady" kind of guy. They're not at camp anymore. He's got sweet thangs to bang, yo. He can't be tied down all up in that. Pffffffffft. As he talks about having "fun" (i.e. lots and lots of strings-free, self-esteem-destroying sex), she realizes what a fool she's been.
Back at the boy's night, Harry moans about Annie's recent moping and Deb's mothering and Kelly's avoidance. Life's hard when you're the Bev Niner's least respected principal.
Chez Taylor. Kelly knocks on Silver's door. Silver ignores her. When Kelly finally comes in, Silver reams her out for going behind her back with Jackie. Kelly says she was doing it out of concern for Silver. Silver insists she can make grown-up decisions and take care of herself. Kelly says, "Au contraire, Bipolar Betty." She lays down the law that she is Silver's legal guardian and, thus, will make all the life-and-death decisions from here on out. Silver shuts down and goes back to her ramen noodles.
Beach club. Navid is going over his sob story yet again, this time to Teddy. Just as he gets to how Teddy could be the key to the problem -- producing no small amount of anxiety for the Aryan a-hole, I might add -- he zigs when he should really have zagged. He asks for Teddy's objective advice and guidance. Teddy practically wipes the sweat from his temple and discourages Navid from thinking about things too hard. Navid remains clueless, agonized.
Stable. Jen walks with Señor Chorizo. He propositions her once more, saying, "I have yet to meet a horse I can't break." Ugh. Apparently that rings Jen's bell, as she follow up with, "I'm in." Lest we think she's accepted his patronizing, sexist invitation, she quickly clarifies that she wants to buy his race horse. She says she's recently received a generous gift and just happens to have a spare 100 grand lying around. Okay, now. Listen, lady. If you're going to swindle people, at least do it strategically. All this one-shot money blowing really is profoundly stupid. But I guess if she knew that, she wouldn't be getting a divorce and bedding Matthews to keep her Johns amused. Oh, I shudder to think.
On a rooftop near the Santa Monica boardwalk, DRM pours Annie a glass of wine for their sunset picnic. Homegirl never learns.
Sober house. AAdrianna eats ice cream with Naomi and bemoans her stupidity in sabotaging her relationship with Navid, the love of her life. Naomi thinks AAdrianna can still fix things, since Navid hasn't moved on yet. Of course, she does this as only Naomi could and pretty much calls Navid everything short of a loser. Ever a supportive friend, that Naomi.
Man date HQ. A fairly sauced Harry heads out of the bar with a fully mortified Matthews in tow. As consolation, he gets a number from the bartender and, newly overjoyed, remembers that whole "We're not exclusive" conversation he and Jen had earlier.
Santa Monica. DRM does a tipsy impression of Naomi, amusing Annie. He starts his high school seduction, but she's not into public sex. He calls her a tease. Classy. She continues to resist as he overpowers her with stock rapist lines like, "Your lips are sayin' no, but your body says yes." DRM comes thisclose to really earning his nickname when Kris Jr. suddenly swoops in like Christian Slater in Untamed Heart and saves the day. Mark and his blue balls flee the scene of the Grimes.
Back down on solid ground, Mark apologizes for creepily lingering around Annie's date but says he had a bad feeling when he saw her leave with DRM. Now that they're being honest, he asks her what was behind her freak-out the other day. She admits that she foolishly believed DRM's warnings about Kris Jr. and his knife play. Kris Jr. says he's pretty astonished by DRM's creativity, though I suspect that's not the last we'll hear on that topic. He says it's okay that she got a little scared. She brings out the bedroom eyes, saying she's not scared now. She pauses, all, "Kiss me, Kris Jr.!" He pauses, all, "Wash the date rapist out of your mouth first, please."
Nueva Casa. Harry drunkenly prepares Tabby's magic hangover cure (raw egg, soda water, cranberry juice) for himself. Debbie finds him mid-mix and tells him to knock himself out. He grunts, "Thank you, Kelly." Deb looks on, concerned by this betrayal-laden slip.
Stable. Jen shows Naomi her new $100,000 horse, claiming it's a gift from the Sausage himself. She claims this horse will make them lots of money. Naomi is neither impressed nor amused.
And now for your evening's musical montage! Dixon makes a late-night booty call on DJ Hottie. Now that is the smile of a man who knows he's about to get laid. Elsewhere, Kris Jr. debunks his earlier "Me? Knives? Never!" declarations by scratching up and deflating the tires on DRM's car with a pretty damn big knife. Jackie's: Silver agrees to move in. Beach club: Navid symbolically sits in front of the bonfire as AAdrianna approaches to rekindle the flame she smothered, like, five seconds ago. Navid calls her on her bullshit. He knows she kissed Teddy. Put that in your crack pipe, floozy! He tells her he wants nothing more to do with her. And Adele sings the Hell out of the out-cue: "And you can't take it back. No you can't take it back!"
week: Halloween tricks -- Dixon calls off the intermittent hooking up with DJ Hottie, Annie and Kris Jr. run afoul of the law on a joyride -- and treats -- Naomi makes strides with the CalU BMOC, some awesomely mockable costumes.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer!