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Naomi learns that she has no shot in hell of getting into her dream college, so she sidles up to the Dean of Admissions' son, an environmental freak, and embraces green living…-ish in order to up her chances of getting into school. Along the way, however, she runs into a frat boy meathead dreamboat and strikes a shallow rapport. Naturally, the jock and the hippie are roommates, guaranteeing some love triangle (quadrangle?) hijinks to come.
Liam and Matthews respectively learn nothing. Liam continues to walk around with his ticking time bomb of an iTouch holding the sound file of Jen admitting they had sex. He tries to present it to Naomi but finds it's bad timing, so he manages to get it confiscated by Matthews. The two Elphin Males get into a scrap over who's boss, with Matthews winning this round. He calls in Liam's parents to discuss Liam's attitude problems. As soon as he hears Liam's stepdad being a grade-A prick, he decides to cut the kid some slack. Liam stays out of boot camp for another week and throws Matthews a bone, offering to enter an essay competition. Matthews continues to operate under the delusion that he's a worthwhile teacher-slash-human being. Also, Liam deletes the incriminating Jen soundbyte.
Dixon is found out by DJ Hottie and dumped in short order for being 17 years old. He spends the entire episode trying to win her back, including a half sausage/half pepperoni pizza. Shockingly, a $15 pizza doesn't make up for an entire relationship's worth of lies. He finally gawks her into submission over Frames-esque music, and they have sex some more, claiming it's just goodbye humping. Awhaw.
Navid enters the episode on a cloud, thanks to finally getting some high school girl cooze up in there. AAdrianna is less thrilled, since she's still guilty for kissing Teddy. She briefly falls out with Silver for seeing the aforementioned infidelity, but Silver is too preoccupied by seeing her mother at AAdrianna's AA meeting. While AAdrianna vacillates between a rock-solid relationship with Navid and a flaming fling with Teddy -- who is doing everything he can, by the way, to make her jealous -- Silver abjectly cuts Jackie out of her life. AAdrianna is happy with her decision for now, but things come to a head when AAdrianna informs Silver that Jackie has cancer.
And morose Annie persists in hanging out with the nephew of the man she killed. Really?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Dixon hit on DJ Hottie. Annie hit-and-run a homeless guy. Liam slapped up Jen with some covert voice recording. And Teddy lip-smacked AAdrianna, which only drove her to knock boots with Navid.
West Bev. Navid, freshly laid, walks into school like the BMO. There is pistol miming before he says, and I quoth, "Hey Natalie, way to work that Bunsen burner in lab!" OMG, how I love Michael Steger, let me count the ways... He sees Dixon, who says something completely banal -- don't even get me started on that d-bag hat -- and Navid laughs like a bit of a maniac. Dixon notes that whatever he said was not particularly funny, and Navid smugs, "Oh... I was just thinking of something AAdrianna said last night -- you know, after we did it."
He walks outside where Liam and Teddy are chatting. They are all abuzz about their respective awesome weekends. Liam is blissful about getting some dirty on Jen. Teddy asks how Navid's weekend was special, and Navid plays coy, asking if he looks different. Dixon cuts through the bullshit, saying Navid got some snatch. Teddy's eyes bug slightly, but he remains mum. Navid claims he was trying to keep it on the down low, as if he wouldn't write a 2,000-word essay in the Blaze if he could. Navid takes his moment in the sun, high-fiving the guys and bragging out how AAdrianna "couldn't keep her hands off" him on Friday after the beach club event. Teddy remains silent as Navid's jackassness increases steadily. At one point Dixon even has to tell him he's reached his high-five limit. Teddy, seizing on any opportunity to stir the pot, suggests he, Navid, AAdrianna and some poor disposable girl should go on a double date. Even amidst his high Navid seems less-than-enthusiastic, but he agrees to it. And a devious sparkle glints in Teddy's Aryan eyes.
Elsewhere, Debbie is getting a pedicure when a stranger comes up to compliment her nail color (Dulce de Leche). As it turns out, the stranger is DJ Hottie, scouting out her man's Cougar Mama. DJ Hottie makes mundane nail parlor conversation before going in for the kill. In short order she finds out that Debbie is not Dixon's lover, but his mom. And that he's only a junior in high school.
West Bev. Naomi talks to a college counselor about her dreams of going to California University. She plans to pledge Pi Phi, then meet and marry an SAE. She continues prattling on until the college counselor's all, "Reality check!" She tells Naomi she doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of getting into CU, given her test scores and general lack of interest in anything with depth. Even her status as a legacy won't be enough to secure admission. The counselor consoles Naomi that Santa Monica Community College is just as good. Heh.
Later, Liam walks into the corridor and sees Naomi at her locker. He eyes his iPhone, thinking this is the perfect opportunity to enlighten her that her sister is a scheming hag. Then he notices she's crying and decides to let it be.
Annie walks down the stairs and runs into Kris Jr., Hobo Joe's nephew, who says he had a good time stargazing with her the other night. He asks her on another date to "honor his [uncle's] memory." Man, he is milking this. Despite reservations about the whole manslaughter thing, Annie agrees to the date. Ohhhh, Kris Jr. You are creepy. But dreamy!
Across town, Silver and Navid have joined AAdrianna at her sobriety meeting. In addition to A-list fiends, it has top-notch fritters. Navid heads off to grab the fried goodness, just in case any muscle is required (ha!), and Silver pointedly tells AAdrianna that she is really lucky to have such a good boyfriend. Since she's a Teddy-kissin' hussy. Silver starts to head off to find seats, then sees her no-goodnik mom, Jackie, and rushes out of the meeting.
That night, Dixon and his stupid porkpie hat pull up to DJ Hottie's house in Navid's dad's Lambo. She opens the door and immediately tells him to go away since he's a 17-year-old kid. She slams the door on him and his bouquet of bodega roses. Bouncy credits.
AAdrianna drives up to Silver's house to deliver a leftover fritter from the AA meeting. Silver apologizes for jumping ship, but AAdrianna says she gets it. She tells Silver that Jackie got a chip for 30 days sober that night and that she reached out to AAdrianna after the meeting and said she wanted to reconnect with Silver. Silver brushes it off, saying Jackie is just an addict. AAdrianna says that addicts can change and points to herself as an example. She says she used to be sneaky and manipulative. Silver comes out with it: she saw AAdrianna kiss Teddy. And wasn't that fairly sneaky? AAdrianna doesn't dance around it. She admits she made a mistake and asks Silver not to tell Navid. Silver says she won't but says that secrets have a way of outing themselves, like with her and Ethan. AAdrianna points out that their situations were pretty different -- Silver was texting with Ethan all summer, whereas AAdrianna only kissed Teddy once. Silver tells her it's not going to work, so AAdrianna tells her to butt out.
West Bev. day. Matthews yadda yaddas about hero figures or some such. A kid to Liam grabs his iPhone and starts fiddling with it. Liam's attempt to get his iPhone back catches Matthews' attention and Super Teach confiscates the phone. Liam frets over what will become of his blackmail ante.
Out in the hall, Silver sees Naomi... wearing sweatpants! God forbid. Naomi says that she might as well get used to looking like white trash, since she'll never go to a good enough school to be fabulously wealthy. Silver stops AAdrianna and asks her to overlook their recent falling out in order to fix this urgent situation.
Back in the classroom, Liam walks up to Matthews' desk to get his phone back. Matthews brings up an essay Liam wrote, so the wiseass gets defensive and asks what was wrong with it. Matthews says, to the contrary, it was excellent and that Liam should enter it in a contest for the L.A. Times. Liam snots that he'll pass and demands his phone back. Matthews refuses to give it back until the end of the day.
Elsewhere, Liam joins his boys to play pool. Dixon is in a funk about DJ Hottie stomping all over his fault. Teddy suggests he hook up with a girl from his history class, but Dixon is mourning the loss of his soul mate. He thinks that, since DJ Hottie said she was falling for him there's still a chance. Liam, agrees because he is betting on the same possibility with Naomi. Navid warns them not to get their hopes up, but Liam tells him to give it another shot since he has nothing to lose. Dixon agrees. This could get ugly.
CU campus. Silver and AAdrianna bring Naomi to reinvigorate her to pursue her dream. They remind her that she's not a quitter, citing all the times she fucked up service minions' lives just so she could get the designer handbag she wanted. Naomi starts to come around, but she's distracted when a college boy (who looks about 38 years old) accidentally throws a football her way. They lock eyes. Bolstered by the possibility of one-year-older peen, Naomi decides she won't be defeated by the system. She resolves to find a way to get into CU. Then she realizes she's wearing sweatpants. The horror! The horror!
West Bev. Liam still hasn't collected his phone, so he sneaks into Matthews' unattended room.
AAdrianna's house. Post-coital glow. The oversexed teens talk about all the food they could devour now that they're burning all these calories from sex. Speaking of food, says Navid, Teddy invited them on a double date. AAdrianna recoils. When pressed she can't explain why, so she uneasily concedes.
West Bev. Liam riffles through Matthews' drawers. Matthews, of course, catches him and gives him a week of detention. Liam mouths off, so Matthews up it to 10 days, Richard Vernon-style. Liam continues sassing, so Matthews says he's going to call Liam's parents. Liam tries to backpedal, but it's too late.
Beach club. Naomi reads One Good Land and shudders. Silver approaches, wondering what this black-and-white thing in front of her is. Naomi explains that she's studying up. She has learned that the son of CU's Dean of Admissions is a student there who tutors high schoolers. She plans to seduce the Dean's son and form a lasting bond with his mother so she can snag herself a place in the year's class. Silver thinks this might be an all-too elaborate plan when she could just study. Naomi counters that seduction is her strength (I beg to differ), and all she has to do is play the eager environmentalist to win the poor sap's heart. Step one? Ream out a waiter for pouring too much water during a drought. Well, if this thing involves being a bitch, Naomi might just pull it off.
That night, Dixon brings DJ Hottie a pizza pie peace offering. He tells her that he has something to say and that she can tell him to get lost afterward if it's not to her liking. Then he delivers a lovely, earnest speech that is pretty much the template for any "I'm sorry" speech a man could ever deliver. And it comes with pizza! Regardless, she shuts the door on his face. Guess pizza isn't a good enough trade-off for a statutory rape conviction. Oh well...
Silver gets home from the beach club and finds a shiny red convertible in her driveway with a big honkin' bow on the hood. The day Naomi reads the note, from Jackie, asking Silver to come to the AA meeting so they can make amends. Naomi asks if Silver is going to go. Silver's still on the fence.
Outside, Kris Jr. shames Annie for not having seen Metropolis. She says she should get some credit for eating chicken feet when they went for dim sum. He insists she must see the film since it's been a major influence on his Matthew Barney-meets-Michael Moore film. He invites her to check out a band called The Script that night. He's considering using them for his soundtrack. The only catch: They're playing at the beach club. She demurs at this, but he guarantees they won't see anyone she knows.
CU campus. Naomi pours bottled water into a Nalgene and pulls out a pink bicycle to make it look like she biked over from Beverly Hills to reduce her carbon footprint. Richard, the numbskull, is immediately taken by her beauty and environmental awareness. He talks about people callously drinking bottled water (ah-hem, like Naomi) and says companies should put choking dolphins on the bottles to make people think twice. Naomi: "Yeah! Choking dolphins would be awesome!" Sheesh. He pulls out his books, but she interrupts the lesson once more to ask him about where the independent theater on campus is. She has tickets for a water conservation documentary later that night. And then Richard creams his pants. It just so happens that he's been trying to catch that very same screening. Naomi invites him along. He says it's probably not appropriate since he's her tutor and all, but he clearly wants to go, and they make it a date. Gotta give Naomi this much: Girl does her research.
Elsewhere, Teddy and his geisha-of-the-moment meet AAdrianna and Navid for their double date. Perfunctory talk of Kauai and a few Arnold Palmers quickly devolves into a make-out contest. Yuck.
West Bev. Evil Stepdad gives Liam a talkin' to as they wait for Matthews. Super Teach happens eavesdrops on the last bit of the conversation and decides to take pity on poor, angry Liam. He tells them what a good essay he wrote and that they should be proud of him. Mom glows. Liam breathes a sigh of relief.
AA meeting. Silver joins Jackie just as it starts.
West Bev. Liam returns to the class room to thank Matthews for bailing him out. Matthews tells him he still has 10 days of detention, then gives Liam back his phone. Liam throws him a bone and offers to enter the essay contest. Matthews continues to operate under the delusion that he's anything other than a rube that people use for their momentary machinations and pleasures. Probably a good life, that is.
Double date. While Teddy visits the Little Boys' Room, Navid sips his Arnold Palmer (God love him, he's cheesy) and regales Teddy's flavor of the month with some story about vomiting. Courtesy laugh. AAdrianna excuses herself. She runs into Teddy exiting the bathroom. She calls him out for creating drama with this whole double date set-up. He says it didn't feel particularly good hearing Navid talking about them having sex. He adds that she shouldn't be jealous of him playing tongue hockey with Extra #1 since she's spoken for. She insists she's not acting jealous, but it's totally unconvincing. She pshaws like a seventh grader and tells him he can kiss whoever he wants. He's all, "Fine," and plants one on her. And she's into it. Big time. She tells him he shouldn't have done it. But man, was that was hot.
Later, Navid and AAdrianna walk to the car. She's in a shit mood and gets mega-defensive when he tries to help her get over her "headache." Navid doesn't know what hit him.
UC. Naomi runs into the 38-year-old football tosser (Jamie) on the way to her date with EnviroTutor. He offers to guide her there. He plays her like a fiddle, telling her she's a Pi Phi waiting to happen, adding that he is an SAE pledge, then strategically admitting that he meant to hit her with his football yesterday -- an easy target since he's the football team's quarterback. Just as he invites her to a game, they run into EnviroTutor, who just happens to be the Tosser's roommate. Naomi looks back longingly at him as she and the Tutor head for the bus.
Beach club. Liam and a downtrodden Dixon head into the room. Dixon offers to get some drinks to take his mind off of DJ Hottie. But it'll be no easy task since she's right there. She drinks a martini like the Cougar she is and rubs his face in the fact that the band are friends of hers -- adult friends. Dixon doesn't even bother responding, just drops his head down and finds a spot for him and Liam to sit. As the band starts, he stares at her from across the room. She stares back, still feigning annoyance.
Up on the roof, a.k.a. Reject Row, Kris Jr. tells Annie he promised her they wouldn't have to see anyone if they didn't want to. She thanks him for the chance to get out. It looks like they're going to kiss, but they don't... yet.
AA meeting. Jackie gives her testimony. She says she regrets hurting her children the most and thanks Silver for coming, promising not to let her down ever again. Silver takes the mic and rips Jackie a new one. She says she got one thing right in her testimony: She was a terrible mother. She tells her to stay away, that she's dead to her. Harsh.
Beach club. Dixon is still eyeing DJ Hottie with the creepy stalker gaze. He suggests to Liam that they leave, but I'm too distracted by their drinks -- the most frou-frou, fruity things since The Birdcage. Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this, but wouldn't it be awesome if those were sight gags placed there by the props department just to throw these pampered actors off their game? I wouldn't consider it out of the question in weekly television production. At any rate, Liam spots Naomi sitting alone at a table just before they head out. He decides to take his opening. But, alas, as he heads over to her table, EnviroTutor comes back with their drinks. Naomi sticks her tongue down his throat directly in Liam's sightline. He turns around to leave, convinced she's moved on, and misses her grimace at the fresh taste of patchouli and hemp seeds in her mouth. Liam bolts, and Dixon starts to follow. Then DJ Hottie, emboldened by a couple of martinis and some emo music, approaches Dixon with lust in her eyes.
Back over at Naomi's table, EnviroTutor self-consciously says that the kiss they just shared wasn't exactly appropriate. She tells him she couldn't help herself because she's having such a good time. He says she's surprised him. He thought she'd be all about clothes and material possessions, but she's not. He says she's unique. She reciprocates, slyly slipping in that he must have inspiring parents. She casually asks what they do. He says his dad's a radiologist, and his mom's the Dean of Admissions at CU. She feigns surprise.
And time for the moody music montage! Across town, Liam listens to the incriminating soundbyte of Jen. And deletes it. Because he's a fecking moron. AAdrianna calls someone on the phone, apologizing for acting badly before, and asking them to call her back. They do, immediately. Dixon and DJ Hottie engage in foreplay, claiming it's the last time. Silver opens her door to AAdrianna, who admits the Teddy issue hasn't gone away. But that's not why she's there. She brings up Jackie, but Silver brushes it off. She is resolute that their relationship is over. Then AAdrianna drops the bomb: Jackie has cancer.
week: Hook-ups and break-ups and stalkers, oh my! Also? Possibly the best quote Naomi will ever utter: "It's Navid, not George Clooney."
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer!