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Not for nothing, the word "bash" is synonymous for both a party and a beating.
Naomi partners with Annie to throw a baby shower-slash-bachelorette party for AAdrianna. This consists of noshing on food from every starfucker restaurant in town and modeling toilet paper dresses on a homemade runway at the Casa. Elsewhere, the guys -- spearheaded by Liam, of course -- get Navid wasted and surrounded by poontang at a strip club bachelor party. In tandem shit-tastic plotlines, Navid's mother crashes the shower to tell AAdrianna she's making a huge mistake, thus driving AAdrianna back to the pill bottle, and a spunky sorority girl tells Navid not to get married. Damn you, show! Navid actually proves himself worthy of these challenges. His reward? Getting his dreams crushed by AAdrianna, who realizes she is still a friggin' junkie and can't handle parenthood. They decide not to get married after all but are decidedly grown up about it and still love each other deeply. Breaking. My. Heart.
In party B-plot, Ethan makes a cameo to tell Silver that her relationship with Dixon is doomed. Also, Annie and Liam have a couple of tête-à-têtes in which Liam tries to bring out the bad girl in Annie. One bright spot in the midst of all this ugliness, Silver comes to her senses and invites Dixon to prom.
File under "New Characters Who Just Became May-jah": Jen. When she's not blackmailing Papa Clark over martinis, thereby securing Naomi's access to her trust fund now instead of when she's 21, Jen goes on a date with Matthews. The anticipation alone drives him into a vomit-inducing (on my part) existential crisis because he lied that he wrote a novel. Hemingway he ain't… not even budding YA author Lauren Conrad… He comes clean over a bottle of wine. In turn, she confesses that she blew through her million-dollar trust fund in two months -- not surprising given the drunken-sailor-esque spending she goaded Naomi into earlier in the episode. Matthews seems to take this as a joke, but, in the last moments of the episode, we get confirmation that it is indeed not as Jen starts playing Naomi like a fiddle in order to blow through Naomi's trust fund, too.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Dixon and Silver's relationship went up in flames, like oh so many porn tapes in oversized planters. Liam is a dirt bag. Not a dirt bag? Navid. My love for him multiplies by the second. He's probably about to get killed off.
West Bev's caf. The whole gang is mysteriously assembled, so AAdrianna and Navid announce that they're not only keeping the baby but also getting married. Cue spit take from Dixon. Naomi rains all over their parade. For some reason, such as bitterness about her own parents' divorce, she finds the marriage part of the scheme most objectionable. She notes how things change and uses Ethan and Annie's spectacular relationship nosedive as an example. More fuel to her bitter fire. Naomi goes balls to the wall telling AAdrianna about all the things she'll be missing out on, many of which I strongly doubt AAdrianna would ever experience anyway, but reality has never stopped the Perma Donna. Ethan joins in, telling Navid he'll miss out on a lot of stuff, too. Dixon, unsurprisingly, is a big proponent of adoption and encourages them to reconsider it. Navid is having none of it. He and AAdrianna leave.
Later, they walk down the street pretending like they weren't upset by the massive turning of their friends. Yeah, it's not working.
Chez Taylor. Dixon apologizes to Silver for pushing her to confess her indiscretions to her new schoolmates. He agrees to take her public-private life separation at whatever pace she needs. He does quietly slip in that this plan will make taking her to prom tough. She flatly rejects that offer, accusing him of guilting her into prom. Dixon tucks his tail between his legs and apologizes. This is going to get real old, real fast.
Elsewhere, Papa Clark meets with Naomi for afternoon martinis. He smugs that she's already worn out her welcome at the Casa and will, of course, welcome her back to the Love Shack with open arms -- provided she help him clean up his family man image. She laughs in his face. Jen arrives, shocking Papa Clark. He invites her to join the happy family back at the Shack. She essentially tells him to take his image rehab and shove it up his ass. She furthermore tells him to open up the first installment of Naomi's trust fund now so she and Jen can buy a place and live together. He asks why on earth he would do that. She blackmails him with that time he boffed her high school tennis pro. He caves and makes a swift exit. The girls split the rest of Papa's martini and gleefully plan their new lives together. Credits.
West Bev. AAdrianna and Navid demonstrate before class that they have already settled into a thriving home life together. She opens up her locker to find an invitation to her own baby-slash-bridal shower, hosted by Naomi and Annie. The co-hosts appear. Naomi reiterates her doubts about the whole marriage-and-kids thing but says that they will support her decision. Naomi says she's footing the bill (glad to see she's already displaying incredible thrift!), while Casa Wilson will provide the venue. Annie takes Naomi aside to ask why they nixed having the shower at The Ivy. Naomi says she also wanted to have Nobu sushi and Sweet Lady Jane pastries, and the Casa is the only place to have all three. Catering means everybody wins! Especially fame-mongering star fuckers like Naomi, who actually is a celebrity in her own mind. A Lindsay Lohan if I ever seen one.
Outside, the harassee's daughter and her friends encircle Naomi and bully her a little for good measure. Naomi tries to escape in her car, but the bitch and her friend have boxed her in. That's some old school shit there. But was it really the best she could do?
The Peach Pit. Matthews runs into Jen as he picks up some food. They get to chatting after she whacks him in the eye with her riding crop. As you do... He recognizes her through his one good eye and Jen hoity-toits about studying art history in Paris. Quelle fantastique! Please. For his part, Matthews manages to tell her he's written a novel. Cue spit take from me. Of course she smarms that she would just love to read it. Barf. They arrange a dramatic reading-slash-date.
Later, Naomi and Jen get to spending Naomi's trust fund like drunken sailors in celebration of finding their dream house. Naomi loses her shopping boner when she spots the bitch across the boutique. Jen takes things into her own hands and walks over to have a bitch-tervention. It goes over like a lead balloon, reaching a crescendo with Jen threatening that the bitch shouldn't underestimate her. Jen saunters back over to Naomi and makes some absurdly obvious statements. Just then, the alarm rings as the bitch makes her way out. Our newfound favorite deviant (at least for these five minutes) has slipped an item from the store in the bitch's bag. She is taken into custody. See, bitch. That's how it's done.
The Casa. Naomi escorts AAdrianna into her all-in-one shower. There is much draped fabric, a tray full of baby bottles with cocktails in them, and -- for Pete's sake -- an ice sculpture? Silver even suspended her boycott of public situations to make an appearance. Nonetheless, AAdrianna is overwhelmed and utterly grateful. And then starts the inevitable naysayers' shit show. AAdrianna's aunt has come in lieu of DinaLite, and she immediately starts in ominous forebodings of what a big job AAdrianna has taken on. She does reassure AAdrianna that she's up to the task, but unintentional seeds of doubt have been planted, and tears are starting to well. Naomi flits up and tells AAdrianna to save her tears for later. She commands everyone's attention so she can deck AAdrianna out in a veil and a "BABY ON BOARD" sticker.
Meanwhile, Liam presents the whole crew of guys with fake IDs for a night out at the titty bar, a.k.a. Navid's bachelor party. Awesomely, fake 21-year-old Dixon is a Mexican. They head in to what appears to be Victrola. Guess sets are just one of many ways the CW is tamping down cash flow. Either way, totes lame, you guys. Where are the vajayjays? Instead of her cooch, a cigarette girl offers them shots. Even teetotaler Dixon partakes. This night is going nowhere good at a rapid clip.
Back at the Casa, Debbie, Hot for Drama Teacher, AAdrianna, and Naomi participate in a DIY toilet paper dress fashion show. Not for nothing, Naomi has some serious strut. I almost hate her a little less for it. Emcee Annie confers with the "judges" and declares AAdrianna the winner. Spoilsport Naomi has to be reminded that this shit is rigged. (Hey! It's just like American Idol!)
Matthews Place. The bullshitter himself has a poolside emotional breakdown as he tries to scrap together his debut novel. Give me a fucking break.
Back at Victrola, Navid marvels at the burlesque girls. Dixon knocks on him for being a virgin. This confuses man slut Liam, since Navid is marrying a PG girl. Navid has to reveal that he didn't do the knockin'. Liam's disease-carrying mind is blown. Before they have a chance to really plumb the depths of Navid's patheticness, Ethan spots a crew of sorority chickadees enter. Naturally, they come over to the table and ask to sit down. Dixon hair triggers it that he has a girlfriend, so one girl focuses in on Navid. She begs him to facilitate her hazing by pretending she just told him something outrageous. He acts accordingly scandalized, and she introduces herself as Isabel. He introduces himself as Spencer -- his fake ID moniker -- and a night of alter ego-sanctioned truly begins.
Back at the shower that is soon to become a shit storm, Navid's mother is creeping around the Casa. AAdrianna finds her. Her presumptive mother-in-law warns her direly not to keep the baby or marry Navid, saying it will ruin everyone's lives. And cause global poverty! And incite religious jihad! And strike down untold numbers of baby ducklings! Seriously, that's how bad she thinks this decision is. Naturally, AAdrianna proves her right by foraging through the first medicine cabinet she finds on the way back to the living room. Damn you, show!
Victrola. Dixon is slurring-wasted and bitching about Silver to a sorority pledge. As you do. He actually uses the phrase "Screw your mental illness or whatever." Which is both sad and awesome. Across the table, Isabel is shocked that someone as young and charming as "Spencer" is getting married. Her pledge mistress interrupts the budding flirtation to send her up on stage for a little risqué dancing. Sensing her discomfort at the catcalls, "Spencer" jumps up on stage with her and begins disrobing. There is also gyrating. Neither "Spencer" nor Navid should ever pursue a career in dance.
Matthews Place. Jen has arrived. He prepares dinner while she regales him with tales of being a spoiled trust fund baby. Matthews pulls the old "taste this" trick to distract her from his Average Joe epic fail. But she will not be stifled in her blatant name dropping. She offers to send his novel to Jonathan Safran Foer. I'm sure JSF will be smitten with Matthews' groundbreaking novella, Extremely Lame and Incredibly Clichéd. Jen asks when she can preview his masterpiece of fiction, and he sidesteps, obviously uncomfortably, yet again by trying to get her wasted. Turns out she doesn't need his help. They've already clocked a bottle of wine, and dinner is barely in the skillet. Jen brags about herself some more. Matthews is too busy feeling a mix of shame and "Oh my God! A vagina in my apartment!" to notice.
We return to Victrola for the stunning conclusion of Spence-vid's striptease. Emphasis on the tease, as he has only revealed his pert little man boobies by the time the music ends. If he's not humping someone in the coat closet by now (which I strongly suspect he is), Liam must feel like a real jackass for entertaining these dorks for the night. Isabel and "Spencer" exit the stage. She leans in for a hug and whispers coyly in his ear not to get married. She chalks it up to his youth and cuteness. As if those things end because of marriage -- not because of personal laziness and the inevitable marching forward of time. Then again, we'll always have Kris Allen -- or at least for another week. Damn you, Glamberokey! Navid heads back to the table as Dixon bellows for more tequila. Navid ominously insists they head back to the shower so he can talk with AAdrianna. Ethan offers to head back, but Dixon is having too much fun to be shat upon yet again by Silver's mental illness. Liam offers to stay back with him before throwing down a credit (not his, it must be noted) to pay for the boys' bill. Ethan eyes him warily.
Back at the Casa, pill-stoned AAdrianna is opening presents as Navid scrambles in. He asks to take her aside, but Naomi interrupts first to make a saccharine speech about the importance of family. Because she's stupid enough not to realize that her money-burning sister is milking her for all she's worth. Needless to say, this unexpected show of support actually has the reverse effect on the newlyweds-to-be after their respective rained-upon parades. Also? Consider the source. Naomi is second only to her father in the race to be the world's worst endorser of family values. Natch, the Perma Donna also gets a campaigning moment in there for being AAdrianna's Maid of Honor. Then she further interrupts Navid's presumably watershed chat with AAdrianna to make him play "How Much Do You Know About Your Bride." Since he's basically been stalking her since second grade, he should actually fare pretty well.
Silver excuses herself for a moment and runs into Ethan in the hallway. He spills the beans that Dixon is drunk. Silver immediately blames herself on account of their recent friction. Ethan starts postulating about relationships and bridges and such. In sum, Silver and Dixon have a shoddily constructed bridge and not enough cement to connect the vast distance between them. Silver concedes that she hasn't been doing enough to reach out to Dixon. Party pooper doesn't bring up the obvious that she's missing his point entirely. Oh, but he will. Just you wait...
Matthews Place. He shows Jen the pool, desperately hoping she'll be predictable-cum-easy enough to suggest a skinny dip. She probably is but doesn't. Despite the fact that they're probably on their fourth bottle by now. With liquid courage warming up his insides, Matthews admits that he didn't actually write a novel. Jen is totally non-shocked. She tells him that everyone is a liar. Red flag, Matthews! He asks what she lies about, and she confesses that she blew through her $1 million trust fund in two months. He raises an eyebrow, then laughs it off. What else can you do? Well, if you're Matthews, apparently you can also totally misread the company you're in and reference some really obscure astronautical figure.
Back at the Casa, Annie takes out the trash and finds Liam carrying hurls-a-minute Manuel (a.k.a. Dixon) back home. She immediately reams out Liam for being a bad influence. He brushes off her criticism and asks how he can sneak Dixon up to his room. Annie snarks about what a stupid idea this whole kid-and-marriage thing is before shoving Liam aside and snottily insisting that she can take care of Dixon herself. This plans falls apart in about two seconds when off-kilter Dixon nearly knocks her over, then quickly returns for round three of retching in the rose bushes.
Liam brings up Annie's tattling to Naomi. Know-it-all Annie posits that he is trying to destroy the relationship because he's a dickless wonder. In the name of Brenda Walsh, I kind of like seeing this bitch side of Annie when it's actually warranted. It distracts from the boondocks brat side of her. And, to be fair, Matt Lanter/Liam is probably the only character on the show thus far that has been able to scrape together some chemistry with Shenae/Annie. It's no small task, I'm sure. Not digging on this chemistry, however, is Naomi. While cleaning up inside, she spies Annie and Liam's rendezvous through the window. Naturally, she assumes the worst. So much for her newfound optimism.
Elsewhere, Navid finds AAdrianna, who fled her party quicker than Suri Cruise running from Xenu. He mentions all the people who have warned them not to get married and raise the crack baby. He admits that he considered giving it all up for a brief second but then realized that he was lucky to have AAdrianna. Because, as fucked up as their situation is to the outside world, he loves her more than anything. Is it cheesy? Hell yes! Is it why we (I) adore Navid and maybe want to pick his spindly body up and just squeeze the life out of him (just a little)? Hell to the yes!
AAdrianna bursts his bubble, though. She says she's had the same thoughts and fears during the course of the night, especially when his mom stormed the barn. He tells her not to pay any attention to his mother, but she says it's not his mom that's set her off -- it's her reaction to his mom. She owns up to taking pills. And, even though she ended up purging, the whole scenario made her realize she can't handle all the stress and self-doubt that would come with a baby. Navid tries to rationalize. She tells him she's not ready. She wishes she was, but it just can't be.
Upstairs, Liam and Annie deposit Dixon in his bed. Annie backs down and thanks Liam for helping her out. He repays this momentary lapse in judgment by pulling out panty-raiding speech #43. He tells Annie that he's curious about her because he senses a bad girl inside her. And he'd like to be the bad boy inside her, if you catch my drift. Annie is easily manipulated enough to give this tripe some serious thought. Though I am titillated by his image of Annie exploding.
Naomi calls Annie down to the kitchen, where she and Silver are preparing the creepiest baby cake ev-ah. Naomi ups the sinister factor by slicing straight across its little cake baby neck. She's trying to threaten Annie, of course, to step offa her mans. And perhaps Annie picks up on this as she immediately reaffirms her distaste for Liam. Naomi is momentarily placated, deluded even, as she cackles maniacally and speculates "maybe I'll be the one to get married. Cake!"
Silver heads upstairs to find Dixon. He rouses from his three-sheets stupor to talk to her. She sweetly invites him to prom. It's her attempt to construct a bridge over troubled waters, if you will. He cutely asks her, "Wait! Are you gonna remember this tomorrow?" She has to remind him that she's not the drunk one. He passes out again.
Sarah Bettens of K's Choice makes my heart melt as AAdrianna and Navid return to her house. He fills the awkward silence by discussing how and when they will return all the gifts. She tells him to slow down, it doesn't all have to get done right this minute. They can take their time ripping apart this beautiful little fantasy world they've built. She beckons him over to the bed for some spooning (them) and swooning (me). They both admit they're sad and mutually agree that getting married no longer makes sense. He tells her to keep the ring as a pre-engagement token. They agree that they actually did well by themselves, considering. They're "more than okay." They kiss gently. AAdrianna smiles sweetly and tells Navid she loves him. He says her loves her back, and they stare into each other's eyes. Can I marry them?
The morning, Naomi and Jen interrupt some freaky whites-only beach yoga class. Paying no mind to all those folks trying to harness their chakras, they natter about their dream home. And that's when Jen goes in for the kill. She acts the victim, saying that there was some hold-up with her bank account in France. Yes, the hold-up is that it is emptier than Naomi's pinhead. Jen, with calculated casualness, mentions that her bank account could take up to a week to sort out the "miscommunication." Translation: Our dreams could be crushed! Then she throws it out there that she wouldn't dream of asking Naomi to pay for the house. Translation: Ante up, bitch. Naomi and her fish lips fall for it hook line and sinker. Jen promises to pay her back. Translation: Every time the waves crash, another sucker gets Madoff-ed. Naomi says it's the least she can do for the best older sister in the world. Jen says, with a self-satisfied look, "Aw! You're so sweet." Translation: Ha!
week: Promstravaganza! Catty showdowns galore, emotional manipulations, and fist fights aplenty! Hopefully AAdrianna's water isn't the only thing that gets broken.
Which version of is more unrealistic? Our vloggers investigate.