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Silver ambles her way into Catholic school, hoping to turn over a new leaf -- or to rip the tree out of the ground, burn it in a massive funeral pyre for her old self, forget it ever existed, and hop onto an entirely different tree, as it were. This rubs Dixon the wrong way when she informs him that he is not allowed to have any part of her school life and/or social life and/or life in general. This ruler slap on the wrist is inspired when Dixon pays a surprise visit to her at Our Lady of the Reformed Porn Stars. Her new BFF, the Catholic man's Tracy Flick, sees him and puts together the porny pieces (turns out even good girls have seen Silver's masterpiece). So Catholic man's Tracy Flick guilts the holy Hell out of Silver by threatening to fast until Silver makes a mass confession to the whole school. Instead of Hail Marys, Silver gets dirty looks and an even holier-than-thou level of shit-talking than she would have gotten at West Bev. She misguidedly blames Dixon, who quickly reminds Silver that she's not the only one who dealt with the repercussions of her episode. These two aren't going to last much longer, are they?
But never fear! AAdrianna and Navid are rapidly claiming the title of West Bev's most de-lovely couple. At the beginning of this week's arc, they're still on Cloud Nine, which is soon overtaken by storm clouds are set on dampening the happy couple's love parade. Namely, Navid's parents' lack of support for him adopting the crack baby. Also, Naomi reminds AAdrianna to tell Navid that Ty is the baby's father. Both of these little shit storms joins forces after Navid chooses AAdrianna over his parents and re-proposes even more awesomely and romantically than last time (who knew it was possible?). This forces AAdrianna to come clean about the baby's paternity. What follows is very likely the best piece of acting that has ever or will ever be on this show, though I am admittedly biased. I'm telling you, though, if the rumors are true, and they take away either one of these actors, I will be Out. For. Blood. But no worries about that now, as Navid and AAdrianna ultimately make up and start planning their lives together. Sigh...
Naomi proves to be the most annoying not-girlfriend and house guest to ever traipse this earthly realm. Liam continues treating her with thinly veiled contempt, even bailing on plans they made to hang out with his out-of-town cousin. Annie advises Naomi not to put up with that crap and, in doing so, inadvertently gets hooked into a double date with the aforementioned cousin, a.k.a. White Randy Jackson. Annie scores some points for calling Liam out on his bullshit. Liam is nothing if not predictable, though, and her prickliness turns him on. He asks her on a date. She turns him down and tattles to Naomi, who extrapolates so recklessly that she convinces herself Liam is just terrified of his intense love for her. Pffffft. Meanwhile, the Wilsons are similarly eager to get rid of the Perma Donna and eventually tell Annie as much. Convenienincidentally, Naomi's champagne-bearing older sister Jen returns to rescue Little Orphan Naomi. As you might expect, though, Jen's not all saintliness and sunshine. As the episode wraps, she runs into Ethan and tells him, "Don't worry. I won't tell Naomi I was your first." ¡Sucio!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Naomi vacated the HOtel. Silver found Jesus, or at least a way to use Jesus to escape her porno past. AAdrianna and Navid got engaged!
Zoom out on a portrait of Navid and AAdrianna's wedding, complete with him clutching her low-carrying belly. Navid brings some freshly pureed carrots to AAdrianna, who turns around and has a tot in one of those marsupial slings. Bring it, flash forward! Navid is going to be the awesomest and dorkiest dad ever, as he coos to the baby, "Organic veg-tuh-bulls coming in for a wanding!" Airplane sound effects included. The baby gives a kickass "Whatever, bitch" face that immediately elevates it to, like, the best actor on this show to date. AAdrianna refers to the tyke as Hannah. Cut back to reality, where Navid thinks Hannah is an odd name for a boy. AAdrianna breaks it to him that she is not going to be a boy. He begs to differ, insisting they name their son Habib. AAdrianna thinks the kid will be immediately set up for teasing, but Navid thinks Habib is a name both masculine and sensitive, so they return to daydreaming.
In this dream, the tot is dressed up in a tiny baseball uniform -- and playing chess. AAdrianna reminds Navid that babies aren't intellectually capable of chess-playing. (Hell, I'm not, and I'm 26!) Navid insists that Habib will play chess when he's older. Baby Habib magically transforms into an eight-year-old. Mind you, he's still in the bassinette. With this added age, Habib is starting to look more like Lipnicki. AAdrianna says she just wants a healthy baby -- and even that's kind of aiming for the stars given her history of drug use. At this point, the baby has morphed back into a little girl in a pink sundress and matching bonnet.
Fantasy Navid checks his watch and says they need to get to school. AAdrianna asks who will take care of Hannah. Like it's the most obvious thing in the world, Navid says his parents will. Cue his parents eagerly running in with baby bottles and toys. AAdrianna steps away from the fantasy to remind Navid that his parents don't technically even know yet that she's pregnant. She suggests he tell them by himself, but he seems pretty assured of how the news will go down. He lays out their response step by step, including explosive anger, crying, America-directed hate, and finally joyous acceptance. AAdrianna wonders if Navid's mom will be concerned that he's raising another man's (crack) baby, but Navid says she'll be cool with it because she was raised by her step-father. They smooch blissfully.
Meanwhile at the Casa, Annie watches Naomi try on outfits for her first real date with Liam. She acknowledges that she's overthinking it, but says she wants to be taken seriously and not seen as some sort of cheap trick. Yeah, good luck with that... Just as Naomi sorta-kinda lets it slip that she and Liam had sex in Annie's bed, Debbie comes in with some laundry. She drops plenty of hints that they want Naomi the hell out of the Casa, but Naomi's too busy rocking a mixture of self-pity, fashion-obsessed oblivion and joyous entitlement to notice. Naomi flings something at Debbie to iron, and Annie embarrassedly thanks her as Debbie walks out with gritted teeth. Naomi gets a text from Liam canceling their date. Cue epic freak-out, in which Naomi grabs Annie's laptop to hurl across the room if need be. Annie pacifies her by telling her to ask Liam to explain. Apparently Naomi hadn't thought of that option.
Over at Chez Taylor, Silver models her Catholic school uniform for Dixon. Damn, girl's got skinny legs! Dixon is fairly unenthusiastic about her decision to transfer schools. Dixon worries Silver is pitting one extreme against another. She says she can't handle being "that crazy bipolar girl who made a sex tape" and needs his support in making a fresh start. He isn't happy about not seeing her as much, especially since she refuses to visit him at the Peach Pit. She begs him to bear with her through this. He gets a bawdy smile and makes a joke about her sexy knee socks. Oh, Dix, that kind of joke is how this mess started...
The day, Silver introduces herself to her new homeroom at Our Lady of the Reformed Porn Stars. She skirts the real reason why she joined the Lord's flock, saying she was drawn by the academics and, you know, the whole God thing. Sister Teacher enlists someone to familiarize Silver with the Catechism. A very "Me! Me! Me!" girl raises her hand, and you can tell this bitch is going to be trouble from the second you lay eyes on her. Sister Teacher picks up where she left off, and the girls start chanting their morning prayer. Silver = fish out of water.
Over at West Bev, AAdrianna stresses because she can't get her hands on Navid's mom's favorite flower. Naomi wonders what the big deal is, since Navid's parents love AAdrianna. AAdrianna figures it's as good a time as any to let Naomi in on her and Navid's fatally flawed teen parenthood plan. Naomi immediately opposes the idea and brings up a good point that, if Navid found out about Ty being the crack baby's father, his commitment might not be as strong. She says harshly, "If you love him, you need to tell him." Credits.
After school, Naomi, Dixon and Annie make their way back to the Casa, where Debbie is making dinner. Naomi takes a play from the Rayanne Graff playbook and makes herself completely at home, as obnoxiously and demandingly as possible, even though she's clearly not welcome. Debbie tries to regulate her skyrocketing blood pressure by turning her attention to her own kids, but Naomi keeps chiming in with cooking tips and gynecological anecdotes. Naomi heads out to get her pap smeared, Dixon has suddenly lost his appetite, and Annie and Debbie try to pretend that whole episode didn't just happen.
Back at Our Lady, Silver and her Catechism tutor -- who we'll call Catholic Tracy Flick -- stay behind to study Jesus-y things. CTF asks if Silver went to West Bev, then goes on a tirade about the wanton scoundrels that roam the grounds of that Godforsaken place. She actually compares it to Sodom & Gomorrah. Her proof? Kids from West Bev go to the movies and get free refills on medium sodas! Even though you can only get refills when you buy the jumbo! Heathens! Silver's all, "I hear that, sister! Now about that Catechism..." CTF resumes her tutelage, telling Silver not to think of religion as work but as "the best extracurricular activity ever!" Someone's been banging that Bible with their head, y'all.
Back at the Casa, Naomi returns from a post-gyno shopping trip with some presents for Annie. She makes Annie try on the dress and shoes while explaining that Liam bailed on her to hang out with his cousin from San Diego. They resolved it by planning to go on a double date. And look at that! Annie's all dressed up for a night on the town! That wasn't meticulously plotted at all! Annie begrudgingly agrees to go.
Hours later, back at Our Lady, CTF and Silver part ways after what must have been hours of scintillating indoctrination. Dixon has decided to surprise her and okayed it with Kelly to pick her up. He goes in for a kiss, but she turns her cheek and practically runs to the car. From a distance, CTF is eyeing them suspiciously. Inside the car, Silver scolds Dixon for intruding on her school life. She says she doesn't want her new classmates to know anything about her. He wonders what will become of their relationship if they can't be seen in public. She says it's a stop-gap solution and asks him to ride it out. He submits, the resentment building.
Meanwhile, AAdrianna and Navid arrive at his house. She has a strategically placed vase of peonies over her massive belly and thrown on a slimming black coat for good measure. Navid's mom asks how she's been, so AAdrianna unbuttons the coat to reveal the bump soon-to-be-named Habib. And down come crashing the peonies. Commercials.
Back at Navid's house, the revelation of AAdrianna's pregnancy begets exactly the outrage, crying and America-cursing that Navid predicted. He tries to allay his parents' fears by saying he has a plan -- he and AAdrianna will move into the guest house and hire a nanny. Again, things go according to plan when Navid's mom quickly formulates a way to make sure that the baby is taken care of by family. He thanks her, and she asks, "Well what did you expect? This baby is blood." And that is exactly the point at which Navid's plan falls apart. He admits that the baby isn't his. His parents go off the rails, screaming all manner of things at him in their native tongue. He brings up the fact that his mother wasn't raised by her biological father, but there is no convincing them. Plan = epic fail.
Across town, Naomi and Annie arrive to meet Liam and his cousin. Said cousin turns out to be a surfer dude with a fondness for calling people "Dog" and howling at the moon. Basically he's the White Randy Jackson. Naomi jokes that this shitbag dive bar is where Liam woos the ladies, and Liam pointedly retorts that he doesn't do much wooing unless it's demanded of him. Liam continues to be rude and distant as Naomi desperately tries to stir up conversation. She takes a break from this torturous embarrassment, and the White Randy Jackson heads off to get another beer. While they're away, Liam asks Annie if she doesn't like him. She says his unabashed rudeness and general contempt for humanity (or Naomi, at least) isn't really tickling her fancy. He makes up some bullshit about how he's shy around strangers because he moved around a lot as a kid and was mocked. She sees through him instantly and hits him right back, saying she used to know an asshole who fucked with people to make himself feel better. He's all, "Point taken." Naomi returns, still oblivious to Liam's disdain for her. And he actually makes an honest effort to be less of an ass to her. White Randy Jackson returns with a full pitcher of cheap beer and another howl, ensuring one very long night for Annie.
Elsewhere, AAdrianna leaves Navid's house as he assures her his parents will come around.
The double date ends with Naomi and Liam furiously making out as Annie tries to shake White Randy Jackson off her scent. Before she leaves, Liam pulls Annie aside to ask her to give him another shot -- on a dinner date.
Navid's house. His parents will not sway from adamantly forbidding him to raise another man's baby in their guest house. They try to mollify him, saying that his relationship with AAdrianna doesn't have to end, and that she will understand. He shakes his head in disbelief that his perfect plan has been revealed to be a house of cards. Side note: Cultures and traditions notwithstanding, didn't Navid's dad make his millions off of porno? Morals really are relative, huh?
Casa. Naomi blathers about how she and Annie could become cousins-in-law if Annie marries White Randy Jackson. Annie can't take it anymore and pulls out the honesty card, breaking it down that Liam is a first-class slime ball. Naomi gets touchy, given Annie's history of stealing her men. Annie promises that's not the case this time. Naomi tries to act cool for about two seconds before kicking Annie out of her own room. Annie says she'll go sleep in Tabby's room. (P.S. What the eff has happened to Tabby? Bring her back, CW!)
Downstairs, Harry and Debbie wash dishes while Dixon does his homework in the kitchen. He asks them to keep it down and refuses to move because Naomi might inflict some more bonding time on him if he goes upstairs. Annie interrupts to ask for a blanket for Tabby's drafty room. She has to explain that Naomi has commandeered her room, and Debbie decides enough is enough. They run down the list of ways that Naomi has taken over their lives, including an imminent threat of French braiding lessons, jeans-cutting, salmon-hating and nicknaming Harry "Principal Boxer Shorts." That last one is kind of awesome, actually. Debbie insists they find some sort of solution ASAP.
The morning, Naomi confronts Liam about asking Annie out. He unapologetically tells Naomi he's not the boyfriend type. A flash of delusion crosses Naomi's eyes. She tells him she can take care of herself, then struts off.
Over at Our Lady, CTF scampers over to tell Silver she knows Silver is "the whore from the video!" Silver looks aghast, so CTF is all, "No biggie! Mary Magdalene was a whore, too!" Apparently the word "whore" isn't necessarily derogatory in CTF's world. Now, you may be wondering how a straitlaced good Catholic girl like CTF would get her hand on a sex tape. Well, apparently some of the other nice girls at the school like to send her inappropriate e-mails and links and things to "get her goat" (an expression my 87-year-old grandma uses, btw). Silver briefly explains the circumstances leading to her transfer to Our Lady. CTF spots an opportunity for conversion and runs with it. She claims God brought them together and assures Silver she can repent, but it must be in the form of a mass confession. The school will serve as her not-so-benevolent priest in this scenario. Silver is, for obvious reasons, not too keen, so CTF brings out the Catholic guilt big-time. She threatens Silver that she will stage a hunger strike until Silver prostrates herself before the bitchy masses. Apparently even the nuns refer to CTF as "over-zealous." Wow. That ain't good.
Later that afternoon, Silver storms the Casa to blame Dixon for letting the pussy out of the bag. He tells her to relax, but she bemoans the fact that her fresh start has been spoiled. She explains CTF's ritual starvation to him and how the girl that the nuns deem overzealous thinks letting all Silver's skeletons out of the closet will be cathartic. Dixon agrees that CTF is wackadoo but thinks there may be some truth to the latter theory. He tells her she has to do something to stop CTF from fasting, but she coldly states that she's not responsible. Dixon is astounded at Silver's furious retreat from reality. She says he doesn't know what she's going through. That sets him off. He reminds her that she wasn't the only one implicated in her little tour de force of amateur porn. Unlike her, though, he dealt with it and moved on. He tells her to do the same. She stomps out.
Over at AAdrianna's house, she's leaving Navid a voicemail, promising to figure things out herself. As she wraps up, Navid enters her room with duffel bags in hand. He chose her! He starts letting the gush of emotions overtake him, then catches himself and resolves to do this thang right. He sits her down so he can propose again, but even better. He admits he wanted to use his grandmother's ring, but that plan fell through, so offers her a ring from the pawn shop. He runs through an adorable retelling of all the moments he knew he loved her, from wanting to pull her ponytail in second grade to admiring her braces in fifth grade to their first kiss just a few months ago. He tells her he believes in her and can't imagine loving anyone else as much as her. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life, and the rest of little Habib's life, with her. He asks her to marry him again.
She looks at him with tears in her eyes, stopping him after he's put the ring only halfway onto her finger, knowing that it's now or never re: the baby's paternity. She invites him to sit to her, on her level, and tells him he deserves the truth. She admits the baby is Ty's. Three beats later, he walks out in angry silence. She shudders as the door slams. He comes back, furious that she lied, then storms out again. He returns, snapping that she made him look like a fool. He asks who else knew. She says Kelly and Naomi. He walks out again. And then he's back, screaming about how he gave up everything for her. She desperately apologizes, saying old habits die hard, but he is changing her, making her a better person. He walks out again, for what seems like the last time. She lets out gut-wrenching sobs, certain her worst fears about losing him have come true. But the door opens again! Holding the ring, he says firmly, "I told you I'd spend the rest of my life with you, Ade. So don't ever lie to me again. If I put this on your finger, don't you ever take it off again. Okay?" She agrees, crying and laughing all at once. He puts the ring on her finger, all the way this time, and she floods him with "I love you"s. They kiss the way that only a couple who has been through break-ups and make-ups and unexpected shortfalls knows how.
Back at the Casa, Naomi tells Annie some banal story about waxing or some such, then bluntly tells her that Liam doesn't really like her. According to Naomi's reasoning, he is just gun-shy about relationships and freaked out about how intensely he likes Naomi. You know, since she's perfect and all. Sheesh. Annie points out that Liam may actually just be a bastard, but Naomi is having none of it. Annie tells her to be careful, and Naomi snorts back that Liam better be careful because he will be her boyfriend, come hell or high water.
They walk into Annie's room (or is it Naomi's now?), and Naomi lets out an ear-piercing squeal. Her crazy older sister Jen has come to town. With champagne. Mmmmm... bubbles. The girls toast Jen's return. Later downstairs, Jen condescendingly explains to the whole Wilson clan that she has returned from France to save her sister from "bourgeois hell." The Wilsons try to act forlorn at Naomi's departure. Amidst all this, Harry asks Jen not to light up in their house, and we start to get a sense of where Naomi's coming from, given Jen's pompous behavior. The sad part is, even Naomi seems a little embarrassed. Jen grabs up Naomi like a purse dog and tells her that they'll be bunking down at the Chateau Marmont. Before Naomi can even finish her sentence asking for help to move out, Harry and Debbie have leapt to their feet and started sprinting upstairs. With everyone out of the room, Naomi lets Annie know that sound travels through the Casa's vents, i.e. she heard how much they wanted her out. Naomi reassures Annie that there are no hard feelings, and they have a laugh before parting.
Back at AAdrianna's, the happy couple start planning for married life again, though this time with more practicality. AAdrianna will enroll in a high school with daycare. Navid will get a job at the Peach Pit. DinaLite joins in to give them some measured support, telling them she's cleaned out the guest room for the baby but that they'll be paying rent. Asks AAdrianna, "Who knew she'd be the parent that came through for us, huh?" As soon as she says it, she realizes she just insulted Navid's family and apologizes. He acts cool but is obviously hurt. He brushes it off with a joke about building a bassinette. She asks if he's really okay, and he promises that she is all he needs... plus maybe a handyman with bassinette-building experience. They laugh and return to the status quo... for now.
Meanwhile, Silver has a nightmare about CTF dying from starvation. Self-important much?
The day, the girls of Our Lady are buzzing at the Gossip Girl-esque newsflash Silver sent. On the way to class, she is the target of dirty looks and saucy comments. She sees CTF, who marvels at how quickly she caved. Apparently it took some other girl five days to give in over cheating on a science test. CTF says she is "thrilled to the gills" and that Silver must feel so relieved. Silver is like, "Actually, bitch, you've ruined my life for the second time. And now I'm at this crappy Catholic school. Step off." You know what they say about the road to Hell...
Over at West Bev, Naomi shows Jen around. She introduces her to Matthews, and they exchange lame grammar humor. Matthews and Naomi head off to class. Jen runs into Ethan along the way. He's super-awkward and fairly quick to ask her when she's leaving. Jen tells him it's TBD, then huskily whispers in his ear that she'll never tell Naomi she was his first. She struts off, leaving him with his jaw hanging open. Oh dear... Should I bother getting my hopes up that this show might actually become interesting?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer!