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Donna and Kelly scout out the city for a man for Kelly and a location for Donna's first American boutique. They visit the worst-named psychic in North American (Madame Flanagan?), and Donna becomes so obsessed by hidden signs that she misses the big ol' "lesbian bar" sign when they go out dancing. Whoopsy daisy chains! No matter, though, because they have some Naughty Girl Scout shots and come thisclose to dropping their girl-gin statuses while dancing their lesbicurious booties off. As they drunkenly stumble home, they also stumble onto a space for Donna's shop. This joyful development, however, forces Donna's tenuous separation with David to the breaking point. After the quickest retail store turnaround known to man, Donna has a preview party and charges Kelly to run out for snacks. On the way, she runs into Matthews. Six-pack puns and no-strings hook-ups ensue.
Annie decides to become a girl's girl and besty to Naomi. This fragile bond is forged over a foosball table. Meanwhile, Naomi copes with the realization that her father and Liam are both sleazy sexual harassers, though only one is facing actual litigation. Papa Clark attempts to force Naomi back to living at the Love Shack, but Annie makes amends for some earlier indiscretion by welcoming Naomi into the Wilson fold. Naomi at the Casa is the most idiotically plot-driven move the writers have made in a while. Cheers, writers!
Silver stresses out about returning to West Bev, especially when some Blended knock-off bitches openly mock her. Dixon tries to pep her up, but she decides to apply for Catholic school so she can avoid real life and find Jeebus in her attempt to overcome her personal demons. But a demon-less Silver = a boring Silver. Ethan, because he is incredibly boring himself, makes a late-show appearance and becomes Silver's only friend and confidante. The Rose Nylund of , if you will.
At the tail end of AAdrianna's third trimester, Navid transforms into super-dad. He compels her to eat kale and helps her interview prospective adoptive parents for the crack baby. They finally meet a promising couple, which only makes AAdrianna realize she wants to keep the little bastard. She realizes this is an unreasonable idea, of course, until Navid changes his tune and offers to be the baby daddy because he loves AAdrianna. He even proposes at the Peach Pit! Awwwww, I'm all squishy inside!
Also, Liam hangs around long enough to get Ethan in trouble for skipping school. And the Wilsons have a yard sale to offload all their Kansan Americana kitsch. Of course Harry has a Big Mouth Billy Bass.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Donna returned, wowed the glitterati of L.A., and confessed separation from David. Silver cracked up. Naomi abandoned Clark Compound and hooked up with bad boy Liam. AAdrianna moved to find some parents for the crack baby because Lord knows she's not fit to do it.
Chez Taylor. The whole crazy dysfunctional family prepares for the day ahead. Before Kelly heads out to take Sammy to school, Silver hands in her geometry homework. Kelly reminds Silver that her home school days are numbered. She asks if Silver will be ready to return to West Bev, and Silver gives a tentative "sure" before curling up in the fetal position.
Over at the Casa, as Debbie organizes all their kitschy Kansas crap for a yard sale, Harry defends to the death his right to bear Big Mouth Billy Basses. Debbie stands her ground. Coffee bitch Annie walks out to tell them Naomi is driving her to school. Debbie is surprised that Annie is really trying to be friends with Naomi. Annie resolves that she wants to try out life as a "girls' girl" since she mainly only had guy friends back in Kansas. Once she hops in Naomi's car, though, it's clear the transition to female friendship will not be an easy one -- lots of awkward slips of the tongue and overlapping chatter. They do, however, discover that they're both passionate foosballers. Naomi learned everything she knows from Bella Cruise, who probably used foosball as a Scientologist inculcation technique.
West Bev. Liam, for the express purpose of being a bad influence, stops Ethan on his way to class. He exerts some text book (no pun intended) peer pressure and easily convinces the drip to skip class. Naomi saunters up to remind Liam that Ethan's a big square and tells him to stop trying to corrupt him. Having just called Ethan "white rabbit," Liam's got a lot at stake here. As does Ethan, apparently, as he agrees to play hooky with Liam. Naomi tries to act like they might have even considered inviting her for a moment even though they are well beyond ear shot by now and not looking back. Probably just because she stinks.
Inside, Navid has become AAdrianna's baby coach extraordinaire, getting progress updates on her doctor appointments and chastising her for eating French fries instead of kale. AAdrianna notes that somebody's copy of She's Having a Baby -- and I'm Having a Breakdown is a little too well-worn. He concedes this point before asking her if she took her prenatal vitamin and reminding her to eat her kale.
Downtown, Donna and Kelly consult with a realtor about what kind of space Donna wants for her American flagship store. Donna Martin explicates! She seems fairly knowledgeable until she gets down to details so absurd (tiger's head-shaped brass door knocker?) that the realtor has to take a break to go talk shit about her to her coworkers. Kelly tells Donna she's being a little too particular. Donna admits that she's totally lost. And has been since she got swept up in the whole move to Japan. Stupid wildly successful career in fashion! Now she misses home and wants to raise her daughter with a support system in place. Still, she fears that her return will signal the end of her marriage. Donna Martin vacillates! Credits.
West Bev. Liam drops Ethan off after a couple rounds of beach blanket bingo. Matthews intercepts Ethan to say he missed him in class. Ethan half-asses an excuse about being sick, but Matthews sees right through it. He launches into one of his trademark self-righteous rants -- oh, how I've missed them! To Ethan's credit, he cuts the crap and takes his detention in the best third-rate John Bender impression he can muster.
Over at the Peach Pit, Silver walks in, only to be met by some bitchy Blended wannabes, who straight-up make fun of her to her face. Bad form! Instead of smacking their plastic faces and pouring their macchiatos all over their $10,000 weaves, Silver runs out crying. Old Silver would have handled that so much better. Dixon catches her on her way out and sits her down for a platitude-filled pep talk. She asks what she should say when people ask her what she's been up to. He tells her to tell them she's been gardening and reading Jane Austen, but then he adds some semi-aggressive "You got a problem with that?"-type tags for her to use at the end. What kind of 'hood did Dixon grow up in?
Back at the Casa, Debbie chides Harry for putting a $150 price tag on Big Mouth Billy Bass and doing the worst fake Scottish accent ever captured on film. Okay, it was actually me chiding him for that second one. Debbie didn't like the hat-wig combo that inspired it, though. The tomfoolery is interrupted when Harry remembers some gossip: Naomi's dad is being sued for sexual harassment. Annie, of course, walks in the middle of this gabfest, so Harry tells her, figuring she'll hear it eventually anyway. Debbie tells Annie Naomi will need a friend now. Did we really need another way to inflate Annie's sense of self-importance?
That night, Donna and Kelly visit Madame Flanagan, Psychic to the Stars, who is responsible for Pax Jolie-Pitt and high-waisted jeans. So she's hit-and-miss, is what you're saying? Like me, Kelly is highly skeptical. Donna, on the other hand, is misguided enough to take this hooey seriously. Donna Martin = desperate! Madame Flanagan pretty much tells Donna nothing, except that she may or may not encounter problems with her foot and also to look for a sign. She has a more specific vision for Kelly, though: You will meet a handsome man with a six pack. Kelly laughs it off and escorts a very disappointed, and probably $50 poorer, Donna out.
The day, the Casa Wilson yard sale is in full swing. Naomi happens upon Harry as he indiscreetly tries to hide Big Mouth Billy Bass. Foiled! Annie comes up, and they start a friendly game of foosball. Annie drops lots of verbal cues to intuit whether Naomi has found out about her dad's law suit. She even offers Naomi a shoulder to cry on. But Naomi's too busy reminiscing about the old days when she got free E-meter readings, not compliments, for winning games.
Meanwhile, AAdrianna and Navid evaluate the adoption applicants. AAdrianna isn't happy with any of them, though she does show potential for a future career in matchmaking. Watch out, Patty Stanger! AAdrianna's yenta-ing is interrupted when the baby kicks her square in the ribs. Navid starts discussing all the signals of the baby's sex. AAdrianna adamantly says she does not want to consider the sex or humanity of this baby if she is to give it away.
Downtown, Donna Martin fixates! She tries in vain to interpret all manner of signs, ranging from Japanese restaurants to actual street signs, as they walk through the streets. Kelly reminds her how ridiculous the whole encounter was. Donna points out the silver lining that Madame Flanagan portended a hook-up for Kelly. Kelly says she can't imagine having time to meet a man with a six pack considering all the family business she has on her plate. Donna tells her she should start taking care of herself before others, making an unintentionally funny airplane oxygen mask metaphor that equates Kelly's life to a plane crash. Kelly thinks a new man will just be another person to take care of. Donna suggests a girls' night so they can let off steam and find Kelly a fling. Donna Martin cultivates! They ask some girls on the street where they can find a good ladies' night. The girls suggest Truck Stop. Oh dear. Spoiler alert: I know where this is going
Elsewhere, Silver enters a cathedral and looks upwards in pious meditation.
Over at The Standard, Papa Clark, pompous and insufferable as ever, informs her that she's leaving the hotel to come live with him. All of this will be in service of his family man image, despite the whole "I left my wife and shacked up with a shop girl floozy" thing, so he can avoid sexual harassment litigation. Naomi disrespectfully declines. She tries to leverage his real estate merger against him, but he thwarts her. He refuses to pay for another night in the hotel.
That night, Donna and Kelly head out for their, ahem, girls' night. Donna starts back in on the signs, but Kelly tells her to can it. They order some shots and start strategizing how to snag Kelly her six pack man. Donna Martin machinates! Donna scopes out the place and suddenly realizes there are, in fact, no men there. Kelly, too, scans the crowd and suddenly realizes that perhaps this club isn't exactly what they were expecting. Specifically, it's a lesbian bar. They put the pieces together and realize the ladies from earlier assumed they were those kind of girlfriends because they had their arms around each other. They share a good laugh and a Dirty Girl Scout shot before hitting the dance floor. When in Lesbos!
Back at the Peach Pit, Naomi runs into Liam, who acts like she doesn't exist. She sits down with Annie and starts bitching about his Katy Perry song-inspiring behavior. Annie tells her enough already, as in TMI, but Naomi has a personal epiphany that perhaps he should stop treating her like a low-rent hooker (despite her sartorial signals). She declares, "I'm not the kind of girl you run into in a Chinese restaurant and take into a bathroom anymore!" Annie asks how Naomi's meeting with her dad went. Naomi glosses over it, clearly not ready to share everything with her new BFF of five minutes. Just then, the sexual harassee's daughter walks by and loudly announces that Naomi's dad is a disgusting scumbag pervert. Annie stands up (literally) for her friend. Naomi is shocked that Annie knew her private business (before she did, no less) and didn't give her a heads-up. Annie apologizes, but it's too little, too late.
Back at the girly bar, Donna Martin gyrates! The GFFs have had a few more Dirty Girl Scouts and are rocking out with their strap-ons out. They promise their lesbian-until-last-call girlfriends that they'll be back and giddily teeter out. Out on the street, they laugh at their positively outrageous behavior. Donna stops short, though, when she sees a sign -- yes, an actual sign -- reading "For Lease By Owner." Kelly: "Looks like someone's movin' back!"
Over at The Standard, Naomi is packing up furiously and on the phone with a teed-off hotel staffer telling her to check out ASAP. She hears a knock on the door. It's Annie, here to apologize for not being upfront. She rambles and rambles and rambles about her quest to become a girls' girl. Naomi has real problems, though, so she lets Naomi in, if only to help her box some shit up. Annie spies a misguided opportunity to make good on her mistakes and invites Naomi to come live at the Casa. Naomi accepts, but only on the condition that this offer not stem from pity and that their friendship is based on complete honesty. Thus begins the nitpicking bitchery that all gal pals know and love!
The day, AAdrianna and Navid interview some prospective parents who are Jennifer-Garner-in-Juno-desperate to snap that baby from her womb. AAdrianna eyes them suspiciously, despite their seeming perfection. She notes that they have a dog and asks what they'll do if the baby's allergic. They easily offer to give up the dog, but AAdrianna finds fault with the fact that they would give up a living being they've had for seven years. They try to mitigate, but AAdrianna clearly isn't taken. Navid looks at her thoughtfully.
Back at the Casa, Annie and Naomi play a fierce game of foosball by the moonlight. Annie screams up brattily to Debbie to ask if Naomi can spend the night. Well, that's one way to tell your mom that you've invited her husband's former lover's daughter to live with you
Over at Chez Taylor, Donna Martin procrastinates! Kelly chirps that Donna needs to hurry up so she won't be late to her opening. Donna slumps on the couch despondently. Kelly asks what's up. Donna reports that she just got off the phone with David and that his first instinct upon hearing about her return to America was to discuss custody sharing arrangements for Ruby. Not a good sign. Donna is disheartened that he's so ready to give up on her and their relationship. Kelly encourages Donna, reminding her of her talent and good-heartedness. She assures her she'll get through this. Donna bittersweetly cries a bit as she says she's actually really excited about all the changes that are coming and about tonight's celebration. Donna Martin oscillates! Commercials.
We return, and Donna has made it to her big society debut. She pours champagne for Kelly. Donna Martin cater-waits! Of course Madame Flanagan is there, smugging about her predictions coming true. Annie and Naomi enter, and Donna laughs that they call Kelly "Miss Taylor." Donna excuses herself as the girls argue about their heated foosball game. Naomi gets a text message, which she seems none-too-pleased about. More on that later First, Silver has to make her return to civilization, wherein everyone awkwardly probes her far too sympathetically. As if cued by Dixon, Naomi even asks what she's been up to, so Silver pulls out the Jane Austen boilerplate. AAdrianna and Navid have joined the party at this point, and he does exactly as you would expect him to and expresses his compassion by offering her some cheese. I love you, Navid! Silver claims she's going to get some of her own cheese and heads off, clearly just wanting to get away from everyone. Kelly follows her and asks if she's ready to return to school now that she's seeing everyone again. She says she is.
Silver exits, and Donna approaches carrying some flowers. They're from David, with a card that lamely reads, "Thinking of you." Seriously? You're her estranged husband, and that's the best you could do? David Silver contemplates! Boo. Too bad Brian Austin Green has too inflated an ego to return -- this plot was busted before it even began. Donna shifts topics, saying she's going to fetch some more crackers to feed Annie and Naomi's foosball-whetted appetites. Kelly offers to go so Donna can stay behind and be the Belle of the ball.
Kelly makes her way over to the convenience store. Hands full o' crackers, she literally bumps into Matthews on his weekend beer run. Yes, he has a six pack. Bah-dum-bum. Madame Flanagan strikes again! Kelly eyes Matthews and his six pack seductively, saying she is mighty thirsty. He invites her to join him. Side note: What the hell is going on with Matthews? His hair suddenly became jet black and gelled to oblivion. And his face? Surely shaving off the Don Johnson stubble can't have changed it that much. He looks (dare I say it?) creepy. Back at the party, Donna gets a text from Kelly saying she found her six pack. Way to bail out on the cracker delivery, jerk!
Meanwhile Silver practically staggers outside before crumpling down in the alleyway. She's just under such crippling pressure to be normal! Pffffffft. Ethan materializes and jokes that she looks like a bouncer. He says he came with Liam, who has mysteriously disappeared as bad boys are wont to do. She updates him on who is inside, and he winces a bit at hearing Annie and Naomi's names. He asks if he can stay outside with Silver. She okays it as long as he doesn't expect her to be peppy like everyone else. He breathes a sigh of relief that she's not. Donna rushes outside for a moment to check on Silver, just in case we've forgotten in that one moment of relaxation that everyone is breathing down her neck.
Up on the roof, Naomi and her 1980s call girl outfit stomp up to Liam. She dresses him down, no pun intended, for treating her like a booty call and lays some new ground rules for how he should approach her when he wants to hump like bunnies. He agrees to them, then brings her in for one last booty call make-out. You know, since she's already there and stuff. Yeah, it's still hot.
Back in the alley, Silver and Ethan commiserate about feeling like they're being monitored all the time. Side note: Can someone tell me why they're kicking Dustin Milligan off the show again? His character sucks, no doubt, but he is one of the few schmucks on this show who can muster actual chemistry with his scene partners. What the hell? Anyhow, Ethan asks Silver when she's coming back to school. She reveals that she's been accepted in Catholic school. Even Dixon doesn't know yet. She says she needs a fresh start. Ethan gets where she's coming from. He jokes he might just join her there. She tells him it's an all-girls school. He has no objections to that.
Over at Matthews' place, he and Kelly enter feasting on each other's faces like ravenous animals. Somewhere between first and second base, she makes sure he knows that she isn't down for commitment. He seems okay with that, so they keep going at it like dogs in heat.
Annie and Naomi return to the Casa to find a cheerful Harry and Debbie. Naomi heightens the festivity by offering them a thank-you gift for letting her stay at the Casa. Oh yes, my friends. It's Big Mouth Billy Bass. "I don't know why I love you like I do!" Debbie wonders briefly how long Naomi is planning to stay. Harry says that, "by the quality of the gift, it's going to be a long time." Then he takes his most likely last opportunity to punch on that scampy singing fish and serenade Debbie with some "Take Me to the River." Is it just me, or is Rob Estes just a little too good at this? Methinks props is missing an item right about now.
Navid and AAdrianna are having their own after-party at the Peach Pit. AAdrianna is still hung up on the too-perfect adoption candidates. She admits that hearing all their baby plans hit a little too close to home and, as she suspected, made it that much harder to imagine giving the kid up. Navid reminds her she still has a choice, but she thinks it's unrealistic. Besides her financial shortcomings and young age, she doesn't think DinaLite would make such a great baby-rearing partner.
Navid asks, "What about us?" AAdrianna laughs a bit at the prospect, but Navid is clearly set on this plan. He offers to take the baby to swim classes, go to college nearby, the whole deal. He says he plans to be around for a long time because he loves her, and now he loves her baby. She admits she loves him, too, but still has doubts. He cuts her off, saying he wants to be with her forever. She asks what he means, if he's asking her to marry him. He goes with it and says he is. She reels back in disbelief, spitting out a quick, "No, no, no!" But he is on a roll. "Why not?" She makes the mistake of letting the idea take hold for a split-second while looking down at that belly. She savors this moment because it's not a moment that happens that frequently for even normal girls, and she's certainly not the kind of girl that this type of moments happens to. And she says yes! Grant you, on the Zuckerman-Vasquez Scale of bad idea, this is gotta be up there at, like, a 9, 9.5, but my heart soars a bit anyway. The new fiances get their burgers and fries, reminding us that, yes, they are far too fucking young for this to turn out well. Regardless, they begin excitedly planning all the "What ?"-type things, for planning them and delighting in their endless possibilities is the best part. Navid charmingly leans in for a kiss. AAdrianna can't hoist herself up to meet him halfway, so he does exactly the Navid thing and leans all the way over with his spindly, romantic self. And we're invited to set aside reality with them for just a moment of swooning and soaring and sighing and squeeing.
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