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It's Spring Break in the Bev Niner, and everyone leaves town, stat, minus the Taylor-Silver-Martin trio -- kind of like Crosby, Stills and Nash... but with more moxie. In that regard, we open to find Kelly hovering like a hummingbird over still-recuperating Silver. This overprotective pestering might, in fact, be making Silver even crazier than before. There is a slight break in the monotony when Donna unexpectedly returns from her fabulous life o' fashion in Japan -- though from the very start, it seems like there are some cracks in her perfect life... more on that later. While out to lunch, Kelly and Donna meet everyone's favorite former-stripper-turned-Oscar winner Diablo Cody, who immediately hires Donna to design a dress for her to wear on the red carpet. Donna causes a bit of tension when she finds out that Diablo Cody is Silver's hero and invites li'l Crazy Pants to assist her in styling. Kelly puts the kibosh on that plan, so Donna smoothes things out by telling a fitting Japanese parable. And by bringing Diablo Cody to Kelly's house for some PJ party goodness. Flush from her success, Donna toys with the idea of opening an L.A. boutique. But the yin to Donna's yang comes when she finally admits to Kelly that she and David are separated. Yes, I know that's Chinese. Shut it.
Over in the Godforsaken wilderness, Matthews leads a team of misfits -- including Ethan, Liam and Naomi -- on a Habitat for Humanity trip. As you can guess, Naomi is there solely to weasel her way into Liam's life-slash-pants. She nonsensically thinks Ethan will be a boon in this pursuit. Liam spends his time being too cool for school and correcting Naomi's grammar. Of course, the minute she gets pissy and aloof with him, he decides it's time for some woods sex. Boys. While Liam goes to score peyote, Naomi proves that she can be an insufferable twit even in the throes of afterglow. Ethan, who doesn't appreciate the amount of hammering involved in house building, decides to expand his life consciousness with some of Liam's peyote. They have a semi-HoYay! heart-to-heart in the woods, wherein Ethan admits he's tired of always stepping aside to make others happy. Liam eventually admits that he was just screwing with Ethan (mescaline not included!), and Ethan feels like a schmo for his bromantical catharsis. To make up for being a jerk, Liam brings some of the skeletons in his own closet. It seems Silver's not the only crazy bitch in town! And I'm not talkin' Diablo Cody.
Annie and Dixon decide to road-trip it to Arizona, though the official story is that they're at Tabby's hideaway in Palm Springs. Little does Annie know, they're actually en route to Dixon's birth mother, with whom he was inspired to reunite after Silver's fits o' crazy. They get to Arizona, and Dixon chokes, so Annie must go to talk to her for Dixon. She expresses his long-held regret for choosing to live with another family other than her cracked-out self. Mama Dixon is amazingly cool with it -- 12 steps'll do that for ya -- and she and Annie also share some tender moments as Annie updates her on Dixon's life with the Wilsons.
And relegated to F-plot, Harry decides he and Debbie are due for lots of sex during their week without kids. Unfortunately, his libido is somewhat quashed when he visits Debbie's photography studio and finds it filled with nude male models. That's a whole 'nother kind of tender moment.
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We open without any fanfare on a rather contemplative (or drugged)-looking Silver. Dixon updates her on Spring Break plans: New carpet in West Bev's library, woohoo! Also, some big party on some West Bev kid's yacht in the Greek Isles. But this isn't Gossip Girl with all of its fancy budget and elaborate party scenes, so I doubt we'll be seeing that shindig. Someone who is joining in on this party -- or crashing it rather -- is Kelly. She cuts Dixon off and offers some tasty, low-sugar cookies. Wouldn't want Silver getting all keyed up on Splenda!
Silver tries to continue the yacht party conversation, but Kelly is breathing down Silver's neck in an effort to avoid another Mad Love scenario. She reminds Dixon that Silver shouldn't be overly stimulated now that she has been diagnosed with bipolar. Dixon obliges, asking Silver what's new. Silver's new no-polar days read a little something like this: meds, Kelly, homework, Kelly, therapist, soothing book, Kelly, journaling, soothing music, sleep, nightmares about Kelly (okay, I added that last one). Dixon tries to see the silver lining, saying structure could be a good thing, but that comment only reminds Kelly that visiting hours are over. Kelly leaves to give them some privacy to say goodbye. Silver tells Dixon to head out of town and enjoy his Spring Break without guilt. He promises to call her later. "Not after eight!" chirps Kelly. So much for privacy. Side note: Silver is looking radiant this episode. Either Jessica Stroup ate a sandwich, or the crazy becomes her. TBD.
The day, West Bev. Dixon starts the countdown to Spring Break, but Annie is totally non-plussed. She was supposed to spend her vacation doing sickeningly lovey-dovey things with Ethan. Obviously now that's off. Like Annie needs another (though slightly more valid) reason to feel pity for herself. Ugh. Dixon suggests a brother-sister road trip. I pity that fool for willingly locking himself in a car with this snot rag. He claims that they haven't gotten enough one-on-one time since moving to L.A., but it's obvious that there's an ulterior motive. She asks where they should go, and he quickly (too quickly) suggests Arizona, home of adventure and water parks. Annie points out that Harry and Debbie won't abide by their youngsters taking an unsupervised six-hour road trip. Dixon's got that covered -- they'll just tell them they're going to Tabby's Palm Springs hideaway. Annie's in. Homegirl never learns.
Down the hall, Matthews solicits volunteers for his Habitat for Humanity alternative Spring Break. This prompts some toolbag to boast about his liquor- and hoochie-filled South Beach vacay plans. Naomi, too, is predictably vapid and offensive in describing her Cabo trip. Matthews says his trip could allow the kids to experience something different. Ethan remembers that he's still pretending to be a man of substance, so he volunteers. Naomi sniffs that she can't believe she once dated someone who would want to help those in need. I mean really! Matthews passes back a clipboard with papers for Ethan to fill out, and Naomi's eyes bug out (more than usual) when she looks at it.
The bell rings, and Naomi bounces out into the hall to accost Liam. The bug eyes were a response to her finding out that he, too, signed up for the trip. She squeals that she did, too. Quelle coinkidink! He explains that he was compelled to volunteer in order to make up credits. Naomi quickly and unconvincingly changes her story to say she, too, was forced to volunteer. She points out the upshot that they'll be able to make s'mores and tell ghost stories together or some shit. He couldn't look less enthused.
That night, back at Chez Taylor, Kelly tiptoes up to the bathroom door to check in on Silver, who has been in the shower far too long to be sane. Silver snipes that she wanted some privacy. Kelly is not in the business of taking hints, so she sits the little nutter down to go over her "mood chart." She asks what emotion Silver is feeling and to what degree she is feeling that emotion (scale of 1-10). Silver = Irritated, 6. Kelly dutifully writes it down and soldiers on, asking how Silver would like to spend her therapy-sanctioned recreation time before bed. Silver tells Kelly to bugger off. They sit in strained silence for a few moments before the doorbell rings. Kelly answers it, and who does she find but Donna Martin, with a baby and newly spindly figure. Donna Martin relocates! Credits.
We return to Chez Taylor, where Donna habitually takes off her shoes before Kelly reminds her they're not in Japan anymore. Donna Martin accommodates! Donna gives Silver a big hug and asks how things are going. Silver opts not to open Pandora's Box and says that things have been better but that she's really happy to see Donna. "Don't worry," she snits at Kelly, "not too happy." Donna says that her first response after hearing about Silver's troubles was to want to come back home and give her a big hug. Okay, mission accomplished. Ya done now? Oh, I kid because I love! Donna mentions checking in to a hotel, but Kelly won't have it. She invites Donna and her daughter Ruby to stay with them in Sammy's room, as he is conveniencidentally visiting Dylan. Donna Martin cohabitates! Kelly offers refreshments, but Donna says she'll prepare a traditional Japanese tea ceremony for them. Donna Martin percolates! Before they have their tea, though, Donna takes the opportunity to deem herself the Jerry Lewis of Japan, and Kelly has to take the opportunity to rain on Silver's parade some more. Silver leaves begrudgingly for bed, fantasizing about the Donnajuku Girls stories she'll hear tomorrow.
The day, Annie and Dixon embark on their road trip. While Annie revels in their sneaky antics, Dixon announces that they're ready for their first song on the road, which will set the tone for the whole trip. Annie wants "Seasons of Love" from Rent, while Dixon wants "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn" by The Beastie Boys. Both of them are ridiculously ill-fitted and rather anachronistic. No matter, though, because when Dixon relegates Annie to Beverage Bitch, she leverages that teensy bit of power against him like a border guard so she can get a taste of those 525,600 minutes. Stand-off ensues. What? They'll have to talk now? Egad!
Back at the Casa, Harry makes the requisite "Kids are away, parents will finger bang" joke, complete with seductive draping of himself across the kitchen counter. Debbie says the sexing will have to wait because she has an assignment for photography class -- an assignment involving a nude model. Harry naturally assumes it will be a woman and grabs Debbie's ass while talking about how inspiring it will be to watch her work. Avert your eyes, kids.
Out in the boonies, Matthews is exactly as inept at leading a construction-oriented volunteer trip as you might expect. Still... not as inept as Naomi is at flirting. She traipses up to Liam and mentions the possibility of "getting some alone time together." He deadpans, "That's an oxymoron." Matthews continues his spiel about how they're on Native American grounds, inspiring some assbag to hardy-har about peyote. Liam zings him. Matthews tries to get back on track.
Liam walks away, so Naomi prances over to Ethan. He starts riffing about how this will be an eye-opening, horizon-expanding experience, yadda yadda. She, in turn, speculates about boys like a seventh grader in heat. Ethan tells her to take this talk somewhere else, but Naomi wouldn't dare deign to girl talk with "smelly granola" chicks. She jumps to the conclusion that Ethan should talk to Liam for her. How she got from "Talk to someone else" to "Put me in, Cooch!" I don't know, but I'd have to dump an industrial-sized vat of peroxide and permanent solution on my head to get anywhere near Naomi's warped mental process. That, my friends, would be going too far for even me.
Back in the BH, Donna yaps at some of her Japanese minions on the cell phone. Donna Martin delegates! Kelly informs her that talking on one's mobile while driving is now illegal. Donna praises Japanese public transportation, and Kelly notes that BH isn't the only thing that's changed. They reminisce about their old clothing boutique, which Kelly informs Donna has now become a medical marijuana store. Donna has a good laugh at herself, but Kelly notes that it seems like she and David have become a Japanese power couple. Kelly asks about David. Donna pauses hesitantly, gives a perfunctory update, then changes the subject. Donna Martin obfuscates!
Out on Route 666, Dixon bitches about Annie going to the bathroom and warns that, if they're going to stop again, it needs to be somewhere he can get "rechippified." Aw, that was kind of cute (but only coming from Dixon). While Annie goes to the bathroom, he makes a phone call and nervously asks for Dana Bowen, then declines to leave a message. Machination in motion! Commercials.
Back in Sherwood Forest, Ethan paints and Naomi pesters. He finally succumbs, walking over to jovially introduce himself to Liam, who totally leaves him hanging. He bites the bullet, asking if Liam likes Naomi. Liam mistakes this for ex-boyfriend jealousy and acerbically tells Ethan he's in no mood for a pissing contest with a jock. Ethan snarks, "What's your problem? They run out of black eyeliner at Rebels 'R' Us?" Heh. The conversation goes nowhere, so Ethan stomps back to his paintin' post. Naomi obliviously asks about Liam. Ethan paints snippily.
Back in L.A., Donna and Kelly visit a sushi place, where Donna impresses Kelly with stilted Japanese. Seriously, though, isn't that the last thing she'd want? I'd be mainlining Mountain Dew and Fritos by then. Kelly says they have 45 minutes until they have to pick up Silver from therapy. Donna Martin confabulates! Donna asks how Kelly's holding up, and Kelly starts babbling about all of Silver's various doctors. Donna's all, "No -- you." Kelly admits things have been hard but says she will do whatever it takes, even make Silver hate her, to make Silver better.
Their food arrives. Donna Martin masticates! As they tuck in, a certain flame-haired phone sex operator-turned-screenwriter comes up to compliment Donna's dress and complain about the lack of eye-catching frocks in L.A. Kelly lets the cat out of the bag that this is Oscar winner Diablo Cody, which is met by a blank look from Donna. Diablo explains that Juno was called Teenage Mommy Girl in Japan. Now Donna's on the same page. They exchange compliments on movies and dresses. Kelly talks up Donna, calling her "the Stella McCartney of Japan," and Diablo asks where she can find one of Donna's dresses to wear at a premiere. Since Donna has no American boutiques, she volunteers to sew something from scratch. Diablo whips out her hamburger cell phone to work out the deets with her people.
Somewhere near Blythe, Cal., Annie and Dixon are escorted into their ranch-style hotel room by a thick-twanged cowgirl. Annie starts planning their water park itinerary, which forces Dixon to come clean about why he really brought her all this way. He wants to see his biological mother.
Ray Lamontagne starts his gravelly growling, and the upcoming scene just got 100x better. Donna Martin navigates! Kelly updates Silver on their run-in with Diablo Cody. Silver is ecstatic because DC is her idol. Donna reports that she will be styling her for the event, too. Donna Martin elevates! She invites Silver to come assist her. Kelly senses that Silver is far too excited and pulls the plug. Silver's curt response: "Mood? Angry. Level 10."
Back in the woods, Naomi forges for kindling, i.e. rips live branches from trees. Liam approaches to harass her, as usual, and she shoots snotty remarks right back at him. She starts to walk back to camp, but he grabs her something fierce and plants one on her. Naomi's kindling and clothes swiftly hit the ground. Just because I saw that one coming doesn't make it any less sexy. Commercials.
We return to a placid dock, where Ethan attempts to meditate until Naomi swaggers up and starts gushing about Liam's magic hands. He tells her to piss off. She says Liam went off to score peyote and gloats some more, not noticing that Ethan has walked away. To stop up his bleeding ears, no doubt.
Back at camp, Ethan asks Matthews if they'll have a chance to explore the area. Matthews says that'll be unlikely, since they need to be, you know, constructing houses(!). Ethan moans that he wanted to get to know different peoples and cultures, or at least something new about himself. Matthews tells him to be patient. How long have they been there for now? Six hours? Gee whiz. Plus, Ethan's not exactly that complex. He could probably build houses for years without tapping into greater self-awareness.
Back in L.A., Debbie snaps photos of her model -- who is a man in the Casa in the buff. Harry is a little miffed that she didn't give him the full details. You can probably hear his inner monologue screaming, "What about my threesome?!" The phone rings. It's Annie. Harry picks up, all the while staring nervously at the nekkid man. They participate in their mutual lie telling and go back to their respective contrivances.
Over in Blythe, Annie says she didn't like lying to Harry. Dixon says she was perfectly content to lie before. She points out that it's not the same. He says he didn't want to bring up seeing his birth mother because Harry and Debbie would have made a fuss. Annie asks why he lied to her. He says he didn't want to upset her. He says he just wants to see his mother, check up on her. Annie asks if he wants to leave the Wilsons. He nixes that idea outright, so she admits that it's strange not to know an entire side of his life. He says he doesn't really know that side of himself either. He admits he wants to apologize to his mother for choosing to leave her when she was at her lowest, especially after seeing what happened to Silver. He now knows it wasn't all his mom's fault, so he wants to make it right.
Speaking of phonies, it's red carpet time! Donna puts the finishing touches on Diablo Cody's HOrrific dress as Diablo's handler comes over and yanks her away for an interview with Ben Lyons. Unfortunately, Donna gets somehow stuck in the dress and trails behind Diablo like the Quasimodo of Japan. Donna Martin prostrates! Ben Lyons asks about the dress, and Diablo points out that the designer is hovering somewhere near her ass. Donna pops up and sputters some things, totally squandering her chance to be fabulous and talk about her brand philosophy in front of an in-the-know audience. Donna Martin frustrates!
Kelly and Silver watch this all go down from their couch and are giddy at seeing Donna on TV. Kelly immediately pulls back, muting the TV to chat with Silver. She says she understands that Silver is flustered by all the new rules, but she can't let another episode happen. Silver assures her that she won't forget and go back to how things were -- especially since she has that God-awful tattoo on her hip -- but she doesn't want her whole life to be about that one time she went bananas. Kelly starts to tell the Yuko story, but Silver cuts her off, laughing. She admits that Kelly was right about the premiere but that she does need some spontaneity in her life -- "even if it's just to put on a face mask, make some cookies, and watch a horror movie." So they do just that, minus the horror movie.
Back at Peyote Place, Ethan babbles, babbles, and babbles some more. Liam heads off to take a leak. A few seconds later, we hear grumbling, tumbling, and branches snapping. Ethan heads over to assess the situation, acting all stoned and such. Liam fell down a hill and asks Ethan for help getting back up. Ethan starts to help him out, then realizes that that's what "Old Ethan" would do. He thinks this is some sort of cosmic test and that he should be an a-hole, you know, like Liam. Liam snipes that it's not a cosmic test because Ethan's not really stoned -- they just drank beer and herbal tea. Ethan feels like a jackass for pouring out his soul. He helps Liam up, then decks him. New Ethan!
Back at Chez Taylor, face masked Kelly and Silver open the door to find Donna has brought Diablo Cody back home. Donna Martin facilitates! Silver squeals like a tween popping her ZEfron cherry. Diablo makes the mandatory "I used to be a stripper" joke, then gamely offers to take pictures. Kelly takes the pic -- with the hamburger phone, of course.
Ethan huffs his way back from Peyote-less Place, with Liam limping behind. Liam admits he couldn't score peyote, then he decided to mess with Ethan because he doesn't take kindly to demands. "And because you're a douchebag," shoots back Ethan. True enough. Liam points out that Ethan wanted self-revelation, and he got it, high or not. Ethan is not appeased, so Liam exposes some of his own personal demons. For example, last time he dropped acid, he nearly cut his own arm off. He even has the scar to prove it. Whoa. That's really harshing my buzz.
Back at Chez Taylor, Kelly and Donna share some tea. Donna says she's been considering opening up an L.A. store. Donna Martin deliberates! Kelly jumps at the idea, but wonders how David will react. Donna takes a conspicuous pause, then drops the bomb that she and David are separated. Donna Martin separates?
Things are decidedly more footloose and fancy-free on Annie and Dixon's return trip the day. Annie teasingly lords the whole "Mango" thing over Dixon, though he claims amnesia. On a more serious note, he thanks her for stepping in and talking to his mother when he couldn't. He asks her to come back again time when he's ready to talk. She happily accepts.
The alternacrew returns to West Bev. Naomi saunters up to Liam and tries her damndest to be sexy while asking for a ride. He asks if her house is on the way to Ethan's. She recoils, saying she just remembered that she left her car at school. As she starts to stomp off, Liam does his signature pull and snap (works every time!), then huskily says he just remembered their little romp in the woods. He promises, "Don't worry. You'll be getting that ride very soon."
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