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I hope Jason Priestley and screenwriter Steven Hanna got their technical jollies out in this episode, because it was about 50% writerly self-indulgence, 40% visual flash, 7% useless B-plot and 3% actual plot developments. I do not watch this show for 3%, people.
Silver's reign of crazy carries over from last week, sending all the gang in different directions, with various degrees of awkward interaction. Silver herself heads straight to the train station, convinced that things will all make sense if she can study Dixon's Kansan chemical reactions (something about baking soda?). She encounters a pickpocket with a heart of gold -- or so it would appear. He's actually a concerned citizen who helps all the other self-absorbed ninnies in the Bev Niner make good on their sins by rescuing Silver.
Harry and Debbie spend the episode alternately numb from shock re: Dixon's erect penis and flipping out (mainly Debbie) about how life in the BH fast lane is ruining her children. (And they haven't even met Liam yet!) Dixon, too, is numb. Silver actually calls him at one point, freak flag flying high, and the SOB hangs up! Harsh. Eventually, with the aforementioned concerned citizen's help, the three Wilsons I don't hate find Silver on the tracks and have a good old-fashioned intervention. Dixon seals the deal when he connects the dots between his bipolar mother and Silver's recent "drama queen" behavior. He promises to be there for her as they get help. And he actually will be, because Debbie decides that it would be okay for the family to remain in this zip code for the foreseeable future.
Annie and Ethan scour West Bev with Naomi. Roiling resentments make it an ugly situation at first, but Annie and Naomi eventually overcome their differences and become BFFs again. I, for one, think Annie is just momentarily blinded by Naomi's street-sign-yellow vest. Annie realizes she's a self-obsessed twit and decides to be less of an ass. Naomi recognizes that you catch more flies with honey than day-glo accessories. Everybody wins!
Kelly and Matthews share a passive-aggressive car ride in which she takes out all the remnants of her still-simmering anger on him, and he calls her a bad guardian. A visit to Grandma Jackie's house brings Kelly over to Team Matthews, but he switches back to Team Kelly and assures her that she really doesn't suck that much. They make up, sans kiss, and Kelly arrives at the train station in time for a dramatic reunion hug with her wigged-out younger sis.
AAdrianna and Navid man Fort Taylor whilst everyone else is away. The benefits are threefold: Lots of making out, semi-responsible care for long-lost Sam, and an opportunity to cultivate AAdrianna's mothering instinct. Very little happens, though because Navid = underused. Fix it, show runner! And bring back Tabby! That is all.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer! And check back soon for the full weecap!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Silver be crazy.
We open exactly where we left off -- in Matthews' Melrose Place digs. Silver continues her conspiracy theorist ranting and grabs another wine bottle to fling at his head. Is it just me, or does Matthews have an endless supply of wine bottles on hand? That's not how it goes down in my house. They're there, then they're gone. No in between. No saving for a special occasion. A sign of alcoholism, perhaps? At any rate, Matthews continues his efforts to placate Silver. He offers to "call Dixon" and fess up to all his "lies." Silver briefly breaks eye contact to glance at the phone, and Matthews sweeps in to pin her down. Surprisingly, being physically restrained calms her down -- that or she was asphyxiated by fumes from Matthews' excessive hair gel.
Silver bawls about her disastrous romp into cinematic genius. She says she never knew Dixon at all. Matthews, still not quiiiite getting that she is certifiable bonkers, tries to talk some sense into her with the standard line that she doesn't have to have it all figured out. She's all, "Oh, but I do!" He tells her to get some rest and offers to call Kelly. She mentions her bleeding hand, so he runs to get bandages, all the while being tracked by Silver's crazy eyes. Matthews riffles around in his bathroom long enough to give Silver a chance to escape -- or wedge herself into the lamest hiding place ever under his teeny-tiny kitchen table. Doesn't take much to pull one over old Ryan Matthews, though, apparently, so he goes a-lookin' for her. She waits about a half a hot second before scampering out to find the nearest Nutters Anonymous meeting.
Across town, Annie and Ethan carry on with their tearful hilltop break-up. She gets a call from Debbie and has to go home immediately. Ethan offers to drive her.
What follows is a screenwriter's wet dream, as various groups (Debbie/Harry/Dixon and Matthews/Kelly) put together all the instances of Silver's breakdown up to this point, beginning with the loss of innocence, the acquisition of a tattoo, the amateur porn, and the break-in. Navid and AAdrianna join in from a Chinese restaurant, with Naomi chiming in from West Bev's parking lot. The scene crescendos as all of the above parties make a laundry list of all the possible drugs Silver could have ingested to bring her to this manic frenzy. AAdrianna is particularly useful in this capacity. Also thrown in for good measure? Naomi justifying why people would tape sexual encounters. And before you think this scene has too much going on, the writer shoehorns in a joke in which Naomi mistakenly believes that AAdrianna's pet name for Navid is "sesame balls." Ugh. Eventually, everyone resolves to find Silver. Dixon buries his face in his hands: "Oh God, what is happening?" Credits.
Everyone but Naomi convenes at Kelly's house and divvies up jurisdictions: Harry and Debbie take the Peach Pit, Dixon will stay at the Casa, Annie and Ethan are sent to West Bev, Kelly and Matthews head out for nowhere in particular, and Navid offers to stay behind with AAdrianna and watch Sammy (remember him?). Everyone ventures out, cell phones in hand.
Left alone, AAdrianna questions Navid's all-too-quick babysitter volunteering. Instead of pointing out that she's about two days from popping and, thus, better get used to the idea of babies, Navid assures her that it'll be a breeze because Sammy is asleep. Cue toddler wailing.
Over at the Peach Pit, Debbie is still reeling over Dixon's newfound sex life. On film! Harry admits that a lot of the present circumstances aren't normal, but Dixon not itching to tell them that he cashed in his V-card... totally normal.
Elsewhere, Matthews and Kelly are talking (and driving) in circles. Kelly tries to reason through it all, but Matthews rightly points out that she can't make sense of any of this because Silver herself was not making sense. Kelly defensively blames him. He promises he didn't do anything wrong, but she can't be convinced. He finally strikes back, saying that she's ultimately responsible as Silver's guardian. A low blow... but not entirely unfounded. They head to the pier.
Back at Kelly's, Navid returns from pacifying baby Sammy and gives AAdrianna a sexy kiss. He hoists her and her big belly up, and they head to the couch as she tells him how ill-equipped she is to be caring for a baby. They make out a little more. When they come up for air, she reveals she'll likely give the baby up for adoption. He is unexpectedly taken aback. She reminds him that he has no responsibility (ethical, legal or otherwise) in this, then gets emotional as she owns up to being more scared at Sammy's crying than Sammy himself.
Over at the Casa, Dixon surveys the wreckage of Silver's porntastic bonfire. He gets a phone call. It's Silver! Streams of crazy spill from her mouth. She speaks of going back to "the source" and dissolves into desperate pleading: "You're all that I have. The only thing that matters to me. You're all that I need. Without you, life isn't worth living." He hangs up on her. Stone. Cold. Commercials.
When we return, Dixon plays video games and disconnects from reality. Debbie and Harry enter, wondering why they couldn't reach him. He says he turned off his phone because Silver is a "manipulative drama queen," and he doesn't want to deal with her crap anymore. Harry tries to tease out the details about Silver's phone call, but Dixon says she was so hysterical, he couldn't make anything out. He does mention her suicidal "life isn't worth living" cry for help but dismisses her as a freak. He continues retreating inward while Harry calls the police.
West Bev. Annie and Ethan walk down the hall and hear Silver's voice. They enter the A/V room, only to find her film playing. Naomi is there, too, and thought watching the film would shed some light on Silver's meltdown. Annie wonders how Naomi got into the high school without keys. Naomi saucily advises Annie to "dress a little more like me." Like what? A taxi cab? They fling various bitchy at each other until Ethan finally breaks it up. They wonder if they should split up or roam the halls all together. Naomi snits about hanging out with her ex and his girlfriend. This nearly prompts Ethan to mention his and Annie's still-fresh break up, but Annie cuts him off. Naomi leaves en route to the auditorium. Annie apologizes and admits she didn't want to admit defeat to Naomi just yet. Ethan brushes it off and heads to the cafeteria.
Back in the car, Matthews tries to figure out what "the source" is while Kelly stresses that Silver might be suicidal. Matthews tells her not to focus on that. Kelly thinks about what "the source" could be, rationalizing that it could be the source of her pain. Ding dong, we're at Jackie Taylor-Silver's house! Old Jax, glass of wine in hand, initially refuses to let Kelly and her "boy toy" Matthews in because "Dierk doesn't know I have kids." Kelly and Matthews barge in to find the nerdiest Swedish meatball you've ever seen. That would be Dierk. Who, I might mention, is wearing a velour track suit zipped down to his abdomen, without a shirt beneath. Hold me back, ladies! Jackie remains as condescending and hateful as ever, even pretends that Kelly is her niece. Kelly says Silver's in trouble, and Jackie actually laughs in Kelly's face, leveraging this mishap to make Kelly feel like shit -- as always. As she and Matthews leave, Kelly makes sure Dierk knows that Jackie is a bitchy old grandma.
Outside, Kelly gets a call that the police have found Silver's abandoned car downtown... but no Silver. Commercials. When we return, Kelly freaks out and blames herself. Matthews drops the surliness to assure her that she has done a fine job. She throws his earlier indictments in her face, saying she ended up just like her mother. Matthews makes all manner of colorful comparisons (inadvertently divulging his appreciation for Michael Flatley, eep!) to assure Kelly that she is nothing like her drunken battleaxe of a mother. Kelly is totally unreceptive, though, and relegates him to role of chauffeur for the remainder of the night.
Back at the Casa, Harry and Debbie interrupt Dixon's gaming to tell him the police found Silver's car. He callously snarks that they should "let [him] know when they find a body." Debbie is shocked, as is Harry. Dixon continues piling bricks onto the wall he is building around his heart.
Downtown, Silver looks rode hard and put up wet as she surveys the departures board at Union Station. She finds a Kansas-bound train, emits a guttural cheer, and starts doing the junkie jitter. Some hipster, who looks like he could very possibly be a serial killer, spots the crazy wafting off of her. He asks what's in Kansas. What starts as a story about Dixon quickly morphs into an oratory on, like, quantum physics or baking or something. Hell if I know... Basically, she has come up with an ass-backwards justification for going to Kansas so she can understand Dixon better. She buys a ticket for Kansas at 11:35 and jitters off. Hipster serial killer follows.
Back at Kelly's, Sammy cries out for his mommy. Stupid kids and their needs! AAdrianna tries desperately to calm him down. She compliments his tractor PJs, and Navid offhandedly mentions she is a whiz at reading aloud. Sammy points to a book about tractors that she can read to him. Navid suckers her into doing an impromptu (and horrendous) tractor impression, only to tease her about how lame it was coming from a professional actress. AAdrianna pulls Sammy in close and starts reading.
West Bev. Annie tries to open Silver's locker. Naomi approaches and smugs that she's known the combination since sixth grade. (How very Chuck Bass of her.) They find an old picture, and Naomi tells a "funny" story from when she and Silver were tweens. The nostalgia nearly breaks the tension between Annie and Naomi, but they realize quickly enough to recoil in horror and split up again.
Back at Union Station, serial killer hipster finds Silver passed out in a chair. He furtively pulls her purse toward him, then finds her wallet. Commercials.
We return to the Casa, where Debbie frantically types in all of Dixon's potential computer passwords. Harry finds her and asks what's up. She unleashes the dragon, ranting about how all of their problems stem from the too-much-too-soon L.A. lifestyle. Harry tries reasoning with her, but is interrupted by the phone ringing. He picks up, thinking it's Silver. It's actually the hipster, who turns out to be neither a serial killer nor a pickpocket. He took Silver's phone so he could call someone to help her. (This would never happen in real life, but at least something is finally happening in this damn episode, so I guess I'll allow it...) He gives Harry all the pertinent details, and Harry tells him they're on their way.
West Bev. Annie plows into the cafeteria and desperately tells Ethan that they cannot break up. They must fix their relationship. He asks why. She screams out Naomi's name. Ethan mumbles that Naomi will find out eventually. Right at that moment, guess who walks up. If you're envisioning a giant perm on a "Pedestrian Crossing" sign, you're on the right track! Annie clarifies that she doesn't care about Naomi finding out, but rather wants to fix the relationship because of the whole idea of Naomi. She harkens back to when Naomi reached out to her way back when, then fast-forwards to when Annie stabbed Naomi in the back like the raggedy bitch we've all come to know and hate. Annie justifies that she considered her future with Ethan worth sacrificing friends, dignity... and even the theater! If it doesn't work out, then she's just a cheap trick with an over-inflated sense of self-worth. Of course, this last part isn't exactly how she words it, but is nonetheless true. Basically, Annie is so terrified by self-awareness that she would rather soldier on in a bad relationship than admit she's an asshat. Of course, just saying these things forces her to come to terms with the fact that they are truth. She trails off, defeated.
Union Station. Silver wakes up, the hipster leering over her creepily. He greets her by name, and she jumps immediately back to intense paranoia (wouldn't you?). She spots the clock and realizes that her train to Kansas is leaving. She jumps up, sending things tumbling from her purse. She can't be bothered to pick them up as she rockets to the platform, just missing her train. Then, for some reason (like insanity!), she thinks it prudent to jump on the tracks.
Harry, Debbie and Dixon suddenly appear. Harry shouts at her to get off the tracks. She wails about all the conspiracies preventing her from getting to Kansas. Dixon gruffly tries to leave and angrily calls her a drama queen again. Debbie catches him. Silver, betrayed, asks how he can call her that. She tries to explain her baking soda theory to him, but it never made sense in the first place, so she is at a loss to re-construct it. All the while, a train horn blows ever closer behind her. Harry tries to approach several times, tries to get her off the tracks, but she won't cooperate. She takes off running toward the barreling train, narrowly escaping getting plowed down. Commercials.
Back at the station, Dixon, Harry, and Debbie scan the tracks for signs of their favorite ragamuffin, but she has tucked herself away behind a sign. Dixon crosses the tracks slowly, explaining that he understands what she is feeling. His mom, too, was bipolar, apparently. He tells a touching tale that brings Silver out of the shadows. Holy crap, she looks bad. Go back! Go back! He tells Silver her ups and downs aren't her fault and promises to get her some help. They return to the terminal, on the way running into Kelly. She charges toward Silver, and they share a tearful reunion hug. Silver apologizes for everything, and they walk off arm in arm. Dixon, despite his heroics, is still putting all the pieces together, still absorbing these blows. It's going to take a while.
Back at West Bev, Ethan, Annie and Naomi are relieved that Silver is safe. Ethan offers to take Annie home, but Naomi quickly jumps in to eschew the post-break-up awkwardness. She and Annie head toward her car, and Naomi tries on the optimistic friend role. Annie apologizes for being a generally sucky person, as well as a specifically shitty friend. Naomi admits she was pretty harsh, too. They fall back into the patterns they were developing many months ago as Naomi reports her gossipy misapprehension from earlier that AAdrianna calls Navid "sesame balls." Double ugh.
Over at the hospital, Silver lies on Dixon's lap, staring blankly ahead.
Back at Kelly's, AAdrianna finishes the book, only to find that Sammy is fast asleep. Navid and AAdrianna bond over the distinct possibility that AAdrianna won't be the worst mother of all time. Bring it, crack baby! Season finale birth is on.
Hospital. Kelly wakes up a conked out Matthews and issues a blanket apology for all the grief she put him through. He, in turn, apologizes for sleeping with Brenda, admitting he did it out of spite after she rejected him. They decide to start over again.
The morning, Harry and Debbie prepare a hearty breakfast. Debbie apologizes for her earlier outburst. Harry says he understands but makes it clear that she can't leverage L.A. against him every time things get rocky. He says he wouldn't prefer to move back to Kansas, but he would if she wanted to. Either way, they need to make a decision. She admits the Beverly Hills can be a great place to bring up the kids -- for another18 months, guys. Jesus. They act like they have four-year-olds tumbling around. Anyhow, somehow Debbie is swayed by the possibility of gluten-free bread, and they decide to stick it out.
In the living room, Dixon tells Annie he regrets that he didn't put the pieces together sooner. He admits that he retreated inward because Silver's crazy behavior was just like his mom's from when he was a kid. But he's no longer a scared kid. Harry and Debbie bring in breakfast, and everyone returns to their happy place. For now...
week: Donna Martin! And Dixon's birth mom!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer!