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This episode was all about some high drama, mercifully of the actual plot kind rather than the school-play kind. But, before I get to it, where the Hell were Tabby and Navid? Throw a girl a sassy, shaggy bone, y'all!
So, in A-game, Dixon and Silver are shagging like the horniest bunnies you've ever met. Even Thumper's parents are, like, "Whoa!" She again waxes poetic about the meaningfulness of hackneyed music, but this time it comes in handy, as Matthews is covering poetry. Aspirant Oscar winner Silver opts to direct a film for an assignment. She doesn't exactly tell him, but the flick will star none other than Dixon, who is, at this point -- if we're being honest -- pretty much only putting up the loon because she puts out. Anycrazybitch, Silver is so impressed with her own brilliance that she decides to rent out a theater to screen her maiden voyage in directing, Silver-zen Kane. Come screening time, Silver's homage to Maya Deren quickly takes a turn for the Jack Horner as Dixon realizes that Silver snuck a camera into one of their crotch-slapping sessions. He walks out. Silver follows. Conflict ensues. Silver makes serious crazy face. Cue ritualistic-slash-sacrificial burning of Silver-zen Kane. Yeah, that'll convince him you're not a wackadoo! Also not convincing anyone of Silver's sanity is her decision to break into Matthews' house and accuse him of setting an elaborate trap to destroy her magical, tattoo-inspiring forniconnection with Dixon. Methinks there was some crazy ink in that tattoo.
Ethan and Annie are teetering on the brink of a split as he flagrantly ignores her. He makes a comment about trying to remember the real her, which she takes as a sign she should quit the school play. Music to my ears! Not so much Harry and Debbie. Ethan realizes he's being an ass and asks Rhonda to be "just friends," despite their Valentine's Dance kiss. The pushy bitch turns him down flat. Impressive, considering her supposed social pariah status. Ethan's attempt to set things right comes a stroke too late, though, as AAdrianna and her baby brain accidentally reveal the aforementioned smooch to Annie. Annie hurls her rage at Rhonda, who tells Annie to take it up with her mans. Annie thinks this gives her a pass to leave a hate-filled message on Ethan's phone then very maturely string along a denim-on-denim-wearing theater geek. That's low, girl. Ethan finds Annie and DoD in mid-cuddle and ultimately lays it down that he doesn't want a girlfriend at this time in his life -- especially not some hag without any manipulation skillz. Naomi was far better suited in this department.
And speaking of, Naomi has a total boner for Liam. She swoops in on the chance to tutor him in math, perhaps hoping to channel and one-up Angela Chase with a combined math review and boiler room session. Hawt. Naomi -- no math whiz, you'll be shocked to know -- feebly attempts this foolhardy scheme to get in his pants, at which point Liam reveals that he can bring the sex and the hypotenuse. She doesn't get to ride Liam just yet, but she does get a ride in his car, wherein she learns he is an anti-social savantian drag racer. A little too Fast and Furious for my taste, but still undeniably hot. He's also wildly protective of non-girlfriend Naomi when some other grease monkey tries to hit on her. Christian Bale hot. They conclude their wild ride with a passionate kiss. Maybe Naomi will get that ride after all.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!OMG, you guys. is still on the air? It's been so long since a first-run episode that I suspect Ethan will be sporting a comb-over and AAdrianna's bastard child will be preparing flash cards for the SATs. Tabby, of course, will have survived the ellipsis through the power of her magical "iced tea." The show, after all, must go on! Seriously, though, I do kind of worry that I won't remember some characters' names. (Then there are some I'd like to forget, though they keep me up with the night terrors...) Anyhow, 51 days later... bring it, bitches. Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh-nuh, crack-crack...
Previously: Silver and Matthews beefed over her vlog-cusations. Naomi met a sexy older man... who turned out to be just another high school student named Liam, but, like, 10,000 times hotter. Tortured loser Rhonda took a shining to Ethan, thereby shaking up Annie's perfect existence. Luckily, Rhonda's sad-sack stories came in handy when Annie needed to display personal depth (of which she has none) in acting class. Also, Silver cashed in her V-Card with Dixon and turned out to be genuinely, wholeheartedly, batshit crazy -- still developing...
West Bev. Naomi finds Liam in an empty hallway and apologizes for the champagne debacle. Almost immediately, they start furiously making out. And that's when I realize this is all a dream. Their spit swapping is rudely interrupted by a persistently ringing telephone. Liam tries every phone they have (because most teens have more than one phone these days -- wait, do they? I'm old) and finally produces a ringing... banana? Naomi cackles wildly, then discovers the ringing is her hotel wake-up call.
Actual West Bev. Dixon and Silver frantically dress themselves after bumping uglies in the media room. Silver ranks it against other places they've humped -- bleachers, cafeteria, etc. -- and solicits suggestions for their locus in flagrante delicto. Dixon goes out on a limb and suggests a bed. Silver runs with it, considering a bed in a furniture store, then a tanning bed, then excitedly settling on a bed of roses in Huntington Gardens . She mauls him some more but has to stop when they hear someone approaching.
Outside, someone hasn't been laid in a while, Ethan, walks 20 paces ahead of Annie as she chatters about a whole lotta nothing. She apologizes again for stealing Rhonda's pathetic identity. He cuts her off, explaining that seeing her masterful Rhonda-logue made him realize he doesn't really know her. He says gravely, "You are a great actress, Annie. I had no idea who you were. It makes me wonder who we are." Can I get a vomit?
Inside, Matthews teaches poetry. The bell rings, and he reminds them their poetry assignments are due the day. Silver hangs around to gush about how she just gets love poems now. Matthews takes heart that she's actually inspired by his vague, pedestrian classroom musings. She asks if she can show a film for her presentation. She says she's been working on it -- working on Dixon more like -- and assures Matthews she's familiar with the "equipment" in the media room.
Elsewhere, Liam acts the fool in math class, so the teacher solicits a volunteer to tutor him for extra credit. Naomi raises her hand, and the teacher gives an awesome "You?" in response. Naomi ≠ Einstein. Still, Teach is just whiling away the days until retirement, so he lets Naomi and her insanely cowl-necked, inappropriately short-sleeved sweater take the hit so he'll have more time for his arts and crafts projects. Credits.
Later, Naomi bitches to AAdrianna that Liam is an enigma. Worse -- she can't even stalk him on the Internet! They run down all the rumors -- gang, meth cooker, etc. -- but can't put their finger on it. Then they watch as he drives away.
Over at the Peach Pit, Silver fannies around with her camera like a hummingbird on speed. She stops to blather to Dixon, but it's all just narcissistic foreplay to convince Dixon to schtup her in the storage room. Not a hard sell.
Over at Casa Wilson, Harry carries an oversized planter into the kitchen. As soon as they put it in place, Annie confirms that it is way too big for the space. Debbie asks why Annie is at home instead of rehearsal. Annie fesses up that she quit the play to focus on her relationship with Ethan. She exits amid concerned parent faces. Debbie freaks out (a.k.a. obviously projects all her internal issues on Annie) that Annie should be focusing on herself, not a boy -- and especially not that drip. She tells Harry to take swift action, but he's hesitant.
Back at West Bev, Silver edits her masterpiece into the night. Matthews stops in to check on her. Silver enthuses that she wants to be a filmmaker. Matthews snarks that he likes films better than blogs and requests she thank him when she wins an Oscar. She asks if she can have 45 minutes for her presentation instead of the 10 he's allotted to the other students. Matthews: "Are you out of your mind?" Silver agrees to comply, joking that he just lost his Oscar shout-out.
Early the morning, Dixon turns over to find Silver psychotically eyeing him, just waiting to (a)rouse him. Commercials.
Back on the Bunny Ranch, even Dixon thinks it's too early -- and too close to his own parents' bedroom -- for sexy times. Silver continues assaulting him, all the while yammering about her insufferable film. She tells him it dawned on her that her tour de force cinematic achievement would be wasted on a classroom, so she plans to rent out a theater to screen it for a mass audience. She says Dixon's mind will be blown and makes him promise to come. He smoothly segues that he'll only be able to come if his parents don't find her in his room and consequently kill him. Not one for the subtle cues, squealing Silver pretty much has to be pushed out.
Downstairs, Dixon finds Harry standing before the coffee maker and muttering to himself about the war between man and machine. Dixon asks why women are so hard to understand. Debbie stumbles upon this and can't help but joke about how trite this conversation is. While Dixon tentatively glosses over Silver's recent erratic behavior, Debbie shows Harry what's what in about five seconds by reminding him to plug in the coffee maker. Oh yeah, that! In those five seconds, though, Harry manages to stick his foot in his mouth by asserting that women are crazy emotional, witness Debbie's outburst yesterday. Debbie admits that Annie's decision to quit the play struck a nerve because Debbie feels like she has sacrificed her photography for Harry. She acknowledges that it was her decision, but still can't suppress a few doubts. And then there's the best part of the scene, when Harry and Debbie emerge from their philosophizing to realize that Dixon doesn't really give a shit about their problems and has left completely unnoticed. To be fair, dating the emo reincarnation of Alex Forrest is a slightly more time-sensitive problem than Debbie's quest for meaning in housewifery.
Over at West Bev, Ethan approaches Rhonda to let her down easy. He admits that he's muddling through a rough patch with Annie. Rhonda couldn't care less, though, because she won't settle for anything less than "more than friends," and she's kind of awesomely super-bitch about it, considering.
Outside, Liam approaches his muscle car to find Naomi plastered across the hood like a frizzier, sluttier Tawny Kitaen. She apologizes again and basically tries to make her earlier dream a reality. Instead of pulling out his banana, though, Liam asks her what she wants. She falls back on the tutoring ruse. He humors her through a minute of sub-par geometry lingo. He interrupts her in short order to prove that he is actually more than proficient in the maths and tells her to get gone already. In a last-ditch attempt, she summons her seduction face and invites herself along. He tells her it's not her scene, but she insists. He smolders, "Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you," then escorts her to the passenger side and opens the door for her. It's much more than a girl in a tacky yellow vest deserves.
Inside, AAdrianna begs Annie to re-join the play. Annie reveals how ill-suited for acting she is by asking AAdrianna if she thinks it's weird to constantly put herself in someone else's brain. AAdrianna explains that that's her favorite part... because she's an actress and that's what they do. Annie explains that she needs to rediscover the girl Ethan fell in love with. She vaguely tells AAdrianna that "something really bad happened" on Valentine's Day, and AAdrianna cringes in sympathy, saying she knows because Navid saw it. Annie's all, "Come again now?" and AAdrianna has to spill about Ethan and Rhonda's parking lot lip lock. Whoops! I, for one, blame AAdrianna's mushy baby brain. How else do you explain that top?
Annie storms down the hallway to Rhonda's locker and unleashes an epic tirade ending with the words "lying, cheating whore." Rhonda calmly informs her that Ethan set her straight, but mentions that he admitted he and Annie were going through a rough patch. Oh, bad call! Annie further accuses Rhonda of "lying around, ready to pounce." Rhonda advises her to take up this issue with Ethan. And, oh, she does. Without a moment to cool down, Annie unleashes a similar torrent of words on Ethan's voicemail inbox. Way to work through the hard times, jackass. She hangs up and spots Hot for Drama Teacher and the kids in the play. She approaches, tail between legs, and sputters out that she made a huge mistake and is desperate to re-join the play. HfDT shuts her down cold. Ha! AAdrianna timidly walks up to say she's sorry. Annie tarts, "Why? You didn't kiss Rhonda." Just then, a sweat shirt-vested drama geek comes up to invite both of them for some post-rehearsal carousal at a local park. AAdrianna opts out because she has a date with Navid (pregnancy make-out, anyone?), but Annie accepts with a twinkle of vengeance in her eye. Meanwhile, in the weight room, Ethan gets the message.
Across town, about six people show up for Silver's virtuosity showcase. One of them is Matthews, whom she asks to do a little introduction... to the film he's never seen and that he asked her to cut down by 80%. Nice.
Elsewhere, Naomi rides shotgun and plays 20 Questions. He preaches typical boilerplate about high schoolers' herd mentality. He says there's a whole world out there to discover beyond, then flashes a sexy look. He proclaims himself an autodidact... in the independent study unit of Paul Walker U., we'll soon see. But before that, he gets to insinuate and make sex faces and spout some more auto-shop porn -- much to Naomi's pleasure. Muscle cars start arriving, so Liam tells Naomi she should leave before the drag race portion of the night begins. She chooses to stay. He appears to be okay with that, if a little turned-on.
Back at the theater, Matthews stumbles through his introduction, leafing through his well-worn copy of Film Lingo for Dummies to describe Silver as an "auteur." Newsflash: Silver ≠ Hitchcock. Speaking of Psycho and cock, let the film begin! For the first minute or so, Silver's riff on cinematic poetry is exactly the kind of pretentious art house tripe you'd expect... and then! Silver à Sliver, complete with camera tucked away for capturing intimate moments. Here's hoping the film doesn't have any similarities to its subjects, though, because... well... it'll climax a little too quickly. Matthews takes a nice long ogle before remembering that he was recently accused of pedophilia(!), then forces the projector to shut down the screening. Needless to say, Dixon is irked. He leaves in a huff, with Silver following. Commercials.
From actual filmed sex to one seriously sloppy visual metaphor, we return to the drag race. Naomi thinks the best way to assist Liam in winning the race is to shriek at him from the passenger's seat. The script writers think the best way to express her well-documented lust for him is by forcing Annalynne McCord to squeal vaguely sexual things ("Faster! Faster!") in a speeding phallic object. Both fail epically. I mean, seriously, she stops just short of lighting a cigarette for him afterward and weeping silently into the dashboard. So, Liam wins the race, and Naomi laughs hysterically (just like in her dream). Awkward silence. Then she makes a crack about wine spritzers that falls flat. The morning after!
Dixon and Silver arrive back at the Casa. She is shocked that he didn't like the movie. He is shocked that she made him an amateur porn star. He angrily tells her to stay away. She bargains that she'll destroy the movie if he'll calm down. She dissolves in OCD-level repetitions of "I love you... I love you... I love you!" Dixon: "Are you out of your mind?!" Something sparks in her eyes.
Back at the drag race, rowdy shenanigans transpire as Naomi attempts to crack open a beer. Some grease monkey takes it from her and opens it with his teeth -- the ultimate mating dance for a certain set, I suppose. Not Naomi's set, mind you. She tries several times to walk away, but the grabby-handed creep won't take the hint. Liam spots her and lumbers in to bust it up. And by "it," I mean the guy's face and driver's side window.
Back at the Casa, Harry presents Debbie with an olive branch in the form of a camera lens. Only problem? It's a video camera lens. But the significance and thoughtfulness is not lost on her. Their smooching is interrupted when Dixon storms in and says he smells something burning. Hand on my heart, I thought the shot would cut to a boiling bunny. Instead, the gang heads outside to find the smell emanating from the too-big planter, which Silver has repurposed as a sacrificial altar for her film, now re-titled Up in Smoke. Commercials.
Somewhere in the hills, Annie shares a calculated cuddle with theater geek. Just as she turns the flirtation up to 11, Ethan walks up and gets all macho territorial about his "girlfriend." She snaps back that she didn't realize she was still his girlfriend since they're in the middle of a "rough patch." Ethan asks what she was doing with drama geek, and she petulantly retorts that she wasn't kissing him. She says she's pissed that he gave her the guilt trip after cheating on her. She lets it slip that she quit the play for him because she thought the play was the problem. She wonders, if the play's not the thing, what is? He thinks they've grown apart and admits he did feel something for Rhonda. She moans that he's leaving her for Rhonda. He says she's missing the big picture and that they both need to figure out their identities, separately. And, with that, the death knell sounds on Dustin Milligan's career.
But, every time a douche sings, a sex bomb gets his wings. Specifically, Liam. The hot rod drops Naomi off at West Bev. She admits that the drag circuit was not her scene. Having waved the white flag, she starts to step out of the car. But wait! Now, satisfied by regaining the upper hand, Liam sweeps up the distressed damsel Naomi in his arms and gives her a long, hard, passionate and, most of all, manly kiss. It was all about the power. He wanted it. She wanted it. No good. She relinquished it. Everyone's happy. And with bananas to spare! He opens her door with one last "How 'bout them apples" smirk. She staggers out, mouth agape, loins a-quiver, and utterly speechless.
On the other side of the tracks, Matthews leaves Kelly a voicemail about Silver's erratic behavior. He steps in the door and immediately spots shards of broken glass. Cue horror movie crescendo and dramatic quick-pan to Silver creepily hunched over in the corner. She is full-on bonkers at this point, all, "I will not be ignoooored, Matthews." She accuses him of retaliating against her blogging by constructing a labyrinthine conspiracy to embarrass her and destroy her relationship with Dixon. She says she only put it together when Dixon echoed his earlier words: "Are you out of your mind?" Unfortunately, Silver's too frenzied to realize that it's not the calling card of Maniacal Matthews (though he did consider leaving the water running) but a legit question for someone who qualifies for federal support under the "Bitch Crazy!" category. She schizos, "What kind of a teacher are you?" and chucks a bottle at him. Matthews sets about wiggling his way out of a murder-suicide, asking her what she wants. She says she wants him to "Fix it!" -- though with less hilarity... slightly. Screen goes black.
In two weeks: Donna Martin regurgitates! Her old plotlines, that is... and maybe more from the looks of it. Home girl could use a sandwich!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer!