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It's Valentine's Day in the Bev Niner, kids. It's also Westminster Dog Show week, and I took time from admiring pooch pictures for this, so these bitches better serve.
Rhonda comes clean to Ethan about exaggerating her injuries. Lame. Where is the potential for deceptive tomfoolery in that? Ethan's on some bullshit "Life's too short" trip, so he forgives her and begins hanging out with her constantly. Annie would be upset if she weren't busy getting reamed out by her new acting coach. Rhonda -- who I am still convinced is a scheming ho -- sees this opening and mashes up the plots of Never Been Kissed, Mean Girls, and Marilyn Monroe's last day to garner sympathy points from Ethan. Annie knows a good acting job when she sees one, and cribs Rhonda's story to impress her acting teacher. Unfortunately, Ethan sees her little performance and is super-pissed. He takes his anger all the way to West Bev's V-Day dance, where Rhonda adds Fatal Attraction to the Netflix queue that is her life and decides it's time to strike. All I can say is... Bitch crazy! Hopefully this results in a massive nervous breakdown and/or abduction and/or roofie incident in the near future.
Inspired by Whitney Houston as Queen of the Night, Silver brings the zany this week when she gets a mind to secure a reservation at the most in-demand restaurant in town -- conveniencidentally at the hotel where Naomi is staying. Silver inexplicably thinks a British accent will spur her conquest along. Ultimately, she gets the reservation, and Naomi gets to flirt with a sexy bartender. Silver urges Naomi to proposition the bartender with a bottle of champagne -- which his parents don't like too much, seeing as he is in high school. Whoops! Things go a little better on Silver's end, despite some psycho girlfriend stuff on her part. Dixon blows her away with a silver ID bracelet, Kevin Arnold-style, so she decides to take their relationship to the level. That would be sex. But, hold up! Then she takes it to the -level, and gets Dixon's name tattooed on her hip. Holy crap! Methinks she and Rhonda will soon be fast friends.
Elsewhere, Navid hurts AAdrianna by insulting her in front of a crowd -- and his new girlfriend -- at school. He almost immediately apologizes, which she accepts, then she somehow gets wangled into helping him romance the new lady. You know, AAdrianna, falling on the metaphorical sword won't actually get rid of the crack baby, right? Consigned to spending V-Day with Ingrid Bergman, AAdrianna settles into her PJs. And then we hear the click-clack of horse hooves. It's Navid, who loves her -- crack baby, chocolate-smeared mouth, and all!
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's morning in L.A., and a scantily clad Naomi struts around her suite at the hotel where she has sought refuge from her misanthropic father and all his cruel rules. Yes, I said "suite." Clearly that man is ruling with an iron fist... full of money. Naomi has become pals with the entire staff and is loving life as the Lindsay Lohan of the W Hotel. She saunters smugly downstairs and is surprised to meet a new bartender. He has heard of her because Robert, the other bartender, warned him about her. Though he puts it more kindly: "Robert told me to expect you... though I wasn't expecting you." Smooth. Almost as good as "Hey baby, what's your sign" or "How you doin'?" He hands over her morning latte with extra foam. Insert obvious joke about Naomi being a girl who likes a man who gives good head...
Their foreplay is interrupted by a snooty British customer berating one of the other hotel employees. The man needs a drink, and he needs it bad -- despite the fact that it's well before 10 a.m. when the bar opens. He pulls out all manner of insults to brow beat the guy into submission, but New Guy intervenes right after "I'll call INS and get you shipped back to Mexico faster than you can say 'boo-rito,'" which is a damn shame because the Brit was really on a roll. New Guy employs a mix of comedy, impudence, and finally brute strength to put the jerk in his place. Naomi's looks on with loins afire.
Over at West Bev, the walls are plastered with all manner of crepe hearts. Dixon catches Silver buying him a Valentine's Day flower and they exchange about 3.5 hours of mushy riffs on "I love you." Silver even admits to hearing Whitney Houston on the radio and actually relating. She promises, "I. Will always. Love you." Dixon is all, "Who are you and what have you done with Silver?" They walk on, discussing Silver's mysterious Valentine's Day plans for them.
They cross paths with Ethan and Annie, who have decidedly lower-key Valentine's plans: He suggests a dinner date before the dance. She mentions that she got into an acting class, so he'll have to pick her up from there. He wonders why she didn't mention the class earlier. She admits it's awkward talking about acting since he discovered that life is more than just the stage and basically told her to shut the eff up. He apologizes, but she continues whining, so, when, he spots Rhonda the Collapsed Lung (fake) struggling with her book bag, he takes off while Annie is still mid-sentence. Can't say I blame him.
Silver tunes out the third chorus of "Hell to the NO!" long enough to walk up and ask Annie what is Rhonda's deal. Annie acknowledges Ethan's deep connection to her post-accident. She snipes, "I swear, if I have to hear about how that accident changed everything one more time, I may actually drive into a tree myself." Well, then. That accident sure changed Ethan's life, didn't it, Annie? Here are your car keys. Annie gripes that she wants Rhonda to get better already.
Annie grits her teeth into a fake smile as Ethan and Rhonda approach. She asks how Rhonda is doing. Rhonda complains about her fake aches, then rubs it in that Annie couldn't come with them to some New Age-y documentary about how one moment can change everything. Rhonda says the magic words about how it was so relevant because the accident really changed their lives. Annie can barely contain her rage and makes a jab about how true that is -- Ethan used to like action movies, but now he changed his mind and likes documentaries. Ethan gets all faux-losophical and corrects her that "the change is on the inside." Annie has to back down, and it's really awkward. Ethan offers to help Rhonda to class, and they all go their separate ways. But not before Silver snarks that maybe Annie should drive into a tree. Credits.
Back at West Bev, some d-bags leer at AAdrianna and wonder who the crack baby daddy is. They wager that Navid knows, which is convenient because he just happens to be passing by with his new girlfriend. They ask, and he claims ignorance. They say he really dodged a bullet, and he runs with it, trying to act all casual and guy-like by calling her a mess and saying he doesn't care anymore. He stops dead in his tracks when AAdrianna passes and glares at him. The d-bags grimace.
In class, the gayest high schooler this side of Eric van der Woodsen hands out roses for everyone. AAdrianna looks on, sure she won't receive one. But lo! She does. Her lips briefly spread into a smile... until she reads the card. Cut to her whining, "I'm getting pity flowers from the faculty!" Walking and talking with Naomi in the hallway, AAdrianna says she thought such gestures were reserved for real sad sacks. "Who? Scoliosis girl?" asks Naomi, who then obliviously reports, "She has a boyfriend now." -- "Of course she does," snots AAdrianna. She wallows in how stupid it was to think someone could secretly admire her and her big, honkin' belly. Naomi gets friend points for noting that pregnancy has given her killer cleavage, luxurious hair, and a glow. Those points are revoked when she claims she would go gay for AAdrianna. Ugh.
Elsewhere, Rhonda the Infirmed finds Ethan waiting for her so he can carry her books to lunch. He says he owes her for injuring her so badly. She has a crisis of conscience and comes clean about faking her injuries to get closer to him. He's all Zen about it and forgives her immediately. Lame. He throws in that they like each other, which clearly sets the hamster wheel in her crazy mind a-spinnin'. They resolve to be honest with each moving forward. These two are hokier than a teddy bear holding an "I Love You" balloon.
Over in the cafeteria, Annie wonders where Ethan is. Silver mocks his newfound spirituality, then solicits Annie to find a romantic V-Day outing for Dixon. Annie suggests a romantic dinner. Silver doesn't seem too pumped about the idea but has nothing better. Annie heads off for another drink and bumps into Naomi on the way. They clearly still hate each other, which I hope will lead to something eventually, but I'm not holding my breath. Naomi and AAdrianna settle at a nearby table and open up take-out from the restaurant at Naomi's hotel. Naomi raves about how fabulous and star-studded the restaurant is, mentioning in particular the amazing Valentine's Day menu. Silver's ears perk up.
Later at Annie's drama class, some schmuck delivers an overwrought monologue that ends with the phrase, "I am nothing." The teacher jizzes his pants and leads a round of applause. He moves on, despite offering no instruction on why that piece worked. Naturally, Annie volunteers to go . Once on the stage, she whips out a French accent that was doubtless inspired by Pepe Le Pew, then tears a new one into Fantine's monologue from Les Miserables. Oh, Jeebus. week she'll probably play both The Phantom and Christine in a groundbreaking deconstruction of the longest running Broadway musical ever! As she struggles through it, Teach tries to coax some skill and/or emotion out of her wooden performance. He eventually just tells her to get off the stage. Which is awesome. On a related note, I guess Ty wasn't being a pugnacious little bitch after all.
Afterward, Annie and Ethan share a tense meal at the Peach Pit. She doesn't make him listen to her shop talk, though, and insists she just wants to spend Valentine's Day with the boy she loves. But then who appears? Rhonda the Third Wheel, of course. Ethan cringes that she's early. Annie = bitch face.
Meanwhile, over at the W, Silver makes a desperate bid for a reservation, including a flashy $10 bribe. Hey big spender! Just as she is about to give up hope, the maître d' accepts a day-of reservation over the phone and informs Silver that a few last-minute tables are reserved for hotel guests. Turn, hamster wheel, turn!
Back at the Peach Pit, Annie asks what Ethan and Rhonda the Hanger-On's plans are while she's gone. They claim they're going shopping but can't get their stories re: the purchase straight. Annie shoots Ethan a perplexed look, and he admits that he asked Rhonda to help him pick out a V-Day gift for Annie. Annie lets out a visible sigh of relief. Before heading out, she asks Rhonda if they'll see each other at the dance. Rhonda turns pale and admits that she doesn't do dances after having a "really bad experience at one." Guuuuurl, unless you ended up covered in pig's blood, then set your gym on fire -- with your mind! -- which killed hundreds of your classmates, I don't want to hear it. Needless to say, that's not how it went down. Rhonda's story is rather trite mish-mash of unpopular high school girl contrivances that relies entirely too heavily on Never Been Kissed. Ethan supportively clasps Rhonda the Ostracized's hand. Annie eyes her jealously.
Back at the hotel, Silver knocks on Naomi's door to beg her to call in a reservation. Naomi rubs Silver's former cynicism in her face, but Silver ultimately convinces her that the sap is genuine. I suspect Silver's use of the word "frenemies" seals the deal. Naomi haughtily advises Silver to pre-order the molten chocolate cake.
Silver offers to buy her a drink as thanks, so they head down to the bar. There, they find New Guy slinging liquor. Silver comments on the eye candy, and Naomi commands her not to mention that they're in high school. Inexplicably, Silver takes this as a cue to pretend she is a Cockney flight attendant. New Guy returns, and Naomi flirts her way into learning his name: Liam. When he leaves to fetch their drinks, Naomi tells Silver Doolittle to tone down the theatrics. Naomi coquettes it up some more and is rewarded by Liam acknowledging that he's flirting with her. Silver Doolittle nearly squeals with glee. So much for acting older.
Across town, AAdrianna runs into Navid at a chocolate shop. He apologizes for selling her out before. He says hurting her is the last thing he would do. She tells him she understands the choices he's made. Still, he promises to smack down anyone else who talk smack, mentioning that his first chance will be tonight's dance. She points out the obvious -- that she is in no state for dancing. She earnestly congratulates him on meeting someone he can go to dances and do normal teen things with. She recommends some chocolates for him to buy for her, and they exchange an awkward goodbye.
Back at The W, Silver freaks out that her outfit is not "wow"-y enough, so Naomi gives her some complementary shoes. Silver blathers on about the awesomeness of love. Despite this drivel, Naomi says she's enjoying being friends again. Silver agrees and asks what Naomi is going to do re: Liam. She urges Naomi to ask him on a Valentine's date. Naomi says he's already left for the day, but Silver suggests she send him a bottle of champagne with a note telling him to meet her by the pool. Naomi sets up the delivery with Larry, a.k.a. "sugar," at the front desk. It's actually not a bad idea as grand gestures go, but you can tell by how excited (and out of her mind) Silver is -- not to mention what idiots they both are -- that the end result will be shenanigans aplenty.
Back at Annie's drama class, the teacher tells a story from his own life that ends with his dad branding him with a cigar butt. Did he really just try to pass off a scene from The Breakfast Club as his own experience? thing you know, he'll be talking about flare guns going off in his locker... He calls on Annie to share a similarly painful experience, so she begins to recount her devastating Sweet 16. Teach deems that too shallow an experience and instructs her to dig deeper. She digs all the way back to that afternoon -- and to Rhonda the Josie Grossie's story! Okay, first off, how cheap. Also? It's not even a good story. She sobs her way through the bullshit, and Teach, of course, applauds her "breakthrough." She grins at his approval, which she totally didn't actually rightly earn. Then again, it is an acting class...
When Annie looks up, however, she sees Ethan watching her with unbridled disgust on his face. She chases him out of the room, claiming she panicked and, like that great method actor Mr. Christian Bale, Annie mixed up fact and fiction in her attempt to get the best performance possible. "I can't even look at you," Ethan spits before walking out the door.
That night, Dixon certainly finds Silver's dress "wow"-y enough. She starts gushing about how amazing the restaurant is and gives the hard sell for the special dessert she ordered. Dixon is well impressed.
Outside, Naomi takes her seat at the poolside rendezvous table.
Over at West Bev, the dance is hopping as Navid enters with his gf. Dear God, what is that sweater? It's a weird, jutting geometric print of black and gray, with one blood red jut. I suppose it's all he could dig up that seemed, to his guy mind, remotely Valentines-y. Still, it's unfashionable even by Navid standards. Surely a porn producer's son can afford better?
Back at the restaurant, Dixon is still salivating as he finishes his meal. Silver tells him to save room for dessert. But then -- dun, dun, dunnnnn! -- the waitress appears with dessert menus. Apparently there has been some confusion, and Silver's pre-order was not logged, and now there is no molten chocolate cake left. The night is ruined! Silver flips out on the waitress to an insanely unnecessary degree, as if she can do anything. Dixon reminds her that Valentine's Day is about them, not some stupid cake. He further pacifies her with her gift -- an ID bracelet. I have no idea what the big deal is, it's a frickin' ID bracelet! -- but Silver deems this gift worthy of issuing a one-way ticket to her cooter. Upstairs they go.
Over at the dance, Rhonda the Recuperated arrives and spots Ethan. She says she felt better after unloading on Ethan and Annie, so she decided to come after all. As they chat, Ethan's phone rings. It's Annie. He ignores it. He asks Rhonda to dance, and she accepts with entirely too much hope in her eyes. As they dance and laugh, Annie leaves a teary messages begging Ethan to forgive her. Commercials.
Musical montage time! Foreplay proceeds over in the cul de sac of Silver's virginity. Navid's hideous sweater continues blinding random passersby at the dance. Naomi waits for her no-show Valentine. Annie mopes at the Casa. AAdrianna settles in for a lonely night with a box of chocolates and an old movie.
Ethan escorts Rhonda the Rhythmic to her car, and she teases Ethan about his dancing skills, or lack thereof. They say goodbye... and... pause. Construing this as a first-date lean-in moment, Rhonda the Rose-Colored Glasses awaits Ethan's move. When he doesn't make it, she takes matters into her own hands and kisses him. To be fair, he does let it linger for a second before backing away and reminding her that a.) they're just friends and b.) he has a girlfriend. She projects that things must be on the rocks with Annie since he danced with her all night and was looking at her all lovey-dovey. He apologizes if she mistook his thousand-yard stare as something meaningful, but she storms off. Rhonda the Rebuffed.
AAdrianna lies on her bed surrounded by chocolate wrappers (which, btw, sounds like a kick-ass way to spend any night). She hears a knock on the door, and who is it? Navid! Oh God, he has on red pants, too! Avert your eyes, kids. Just listen? He leads with, "You are such a mess, Ade," which is almost as suave as "I'm really uncool." She looks at him askance but lets him continue. He lays out all the reasons why her life is a shit show, then says that, despite all these things, he doesn't care. He sits on her bed and says that he expected this night to be perfect, but it wasn't. "Why?" she asks. He replies wistfully, "Because I wasn't with you." Oh, mawkish dialogue! You get me every time! AAdrianna smiles, and Navid asks her to be his Valentine. In the end, she gets the unexpected romantic gesture she wanted deep down in her heart but was too ashamed to admit. They kiss. Maybe she'll even pull a Silver on him. It would be convenient for both of them, really. I heard pregnant ladies get really frisky.
At West Bev, it's another day, another kiss as Silver mauls Dixon in the quad. Dixon tries repeatedly to leave for class, but he can't hold off her thrusting tongue. He finally gives in and grabs her hips to pull her in closer. She winces and admits she's a little sore. But it's not what you're thinking -- it's even more batshit crazy! She got Dixon's name tattooed on her hip bone. Honestly, I have nothing to say to that. Nor does Dixon, really. Props to him for keeping his eyes in their sockets, though, because that shit is, like, "Whoa." What the hell, Silver?
Inside, Ethan stands at his locker. Overt symbolism alert! On one side, he sees Rhonda the Temptress. On the other side, Annie. For now he makes no choice, just exchanges awkward glances with them both and walks away silently.
Elsewhere, Harry interrupts Naomi's math class to introduce a new student -- none other than bartender Liam. Naomi shoots a baffled expression at him, and he curtly taps his binder on her desk as he walks by. Class starts, and she looks back at him all, "Say what?" He explains that he is actually a high schooler. Unfortunately her champagne-a-gram tipped his parents off that he wasn't in school. So now he is. And he's pissed. By my estimation, this makes him just about as devious and faux-liberated as Naomi is. I predict lots of angry sex in the near future.
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