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It's a heat wave in the Bev Niner, but ain't nobody gettin' laid up in here. Except for maybe the casting director who hires Tabitha for a miniseries.
Annie and Ethan make out in every nook and cranny in California because they're in looooove (or just teenagers). Like horny teenagers, they deem themselves ready to start the sexin', complete with an overextended Palm Springs metaphor. Before they can get down to business, though, they do the totally non-teenagerly thing and have an ultra-luxe seven course dinner, including foie gras and sweet breads. They barely make to course three of the innards smorgy before the hormones kick in. Mid-foreplay Annie's virgin-on-the-brink speech freaks the feck out of Ethan, and Annie's hymen remains intact. Ethan later explains that he totally understands Annie's emotional investment in sex. They decide to take their time before humping like bunnies.
Okay, I lied a little. Harry and Debbie also get some. In the back of the crap wagon. Sexy. Fueled by their heat rage, they stage a sneak attack on their profligate daughter. Comeuppance is theirs, though, when Annie is still eligible to attend year's Purity Ball, so they celebrate by doing the humpty dance.
The once-sexed AAdrianna faints in class, and the jig is up. She has to start unfurling her baby-sized secret to others. She starts with Naomi, who fully offers her support mainly because she feels guilty for misconstruing AAdrianna's fainting spell for a relapse and spreading that rumor around school. AAdrianna tells Navid, who runs away, literally. He eventually admits that he is not man enough for this responsibility. So that leaves the crack baby with two mommies, one of which is Naomi, who will undoubtedly make every effort to make this family everything she never had with her biological relatives. Poor crack baby.
It's also trouble in paradise for Dixon and the ever-acerbic Silver, especially when she shits all over his dream of becoming the school choir's token black kid who can sang. The rift is only widened when he decides -- under Navid's advisement, yikes! -- to tell her he loves her. Silver reacts horribly, taking a sand castle down in the process. The not-yet-lovers reconnect at school, and Adele sings out their demise, too. WTF, ? Why you gotta be like that?
Come back on Thursday for the full weecap of this episode.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Ethan and Annie became America's smuggest couple. AAdrianna fell down the rabbit hole, eventually forcing Naomi to rip her a new asshole for being too busy ODing to bail Naomi out of a situation that was pretty much entirely of her own, over-permed making. By the time AAdrianna recovered, Naomi had formed an unholy alliance with The Blendeds, West Bev's answer to The Plastics. So AAdrianna comforted herself on lonely nights with never-been-tapped Navid, only to discover that she got knocked up somewhere in the K-hole. She ain't nothin' but a baby mama! Dump that, dump that baby mama!
As we open, Annie sits in front of a fan watching Kansan blizzard coverage. She complains to Ethan over the phone that her friends back in Kansas will get a snow day. Only Annie could find fault with perpetually warm, sunny weather. She says it's so hot, she's wearing "practically nothing." Ethan's ears perk up, and he asks, "What kind of nothing?" She fibs that she's wearing a black negligee, as opposed to the virgin-white tank dress and bra she's actually wearing. She starts to describe it all sexy-like, but Debbie cuts into Baby's First Phone Sex and tells her to hang up because it's late. Annie's a total brat, as always. They dispense of their good nights, but then a twist: Ethan tells Annie he loves her. She says it back, and they both beam. Ah, phone sex. The gateway to storybook romance!
The morning, Annie and Dixon run lines for one of Tabitha's auditions. She changes a line because she doesn't think she's plausible as a grandma. Mmhmm. Annie notes that the film is about a female, 70-something, knitting Civil War hero, so plausibility is not so much a factor. Tabby runs the line as-is, then Debbie interrupts to ask why the air conditioner was off. Tabby says she turned it off to preserve her vocal chords. Of course Debbie takes issue with this, given the heat wave, but Tabby plays the "I paid for this house" card and shuts her up.
Debbie moves on, reminding the kids to do their chores. Tabby undercuts her, saying that's what the help is for. Debbie starts pulling out her iron fist, insisting she wants to instill good, wholesome Midwestern values into the young 'uns. An eyebrow-arching staring contest ensues, which the kids have to break up by conceding to do their chores. Annie asks Dixon if she can borrow the car to hang out with Ethan. He claims to have an extracurricular activity and intentionally does not name it, so she sticks him with the chores. As she heads out, Annie tells Tabby to break a leg for good luck, and Debbie snidely repeats, "Yeah, break a leg." More arched eyebrows from Tabby.
Over at West Bev, Annie and Ethan make out in the quad. Inside, Dixon and Silver debate global warming. She thinks this unseasonable warmth signifies that the apocalypse is afoot. He takes a much more casual stance. They walk outside, and she loudly announces that the Wonder Couple's extensive PDA is one of the seven signs. Yeah, right up there with horsemen, Sil... It's a little over the top, but at least it breaks up the little horn balls. Annie says she's got to run by the library, and Ethan says he has to go, too. Before they separate themselves at the mouth, though, they spew out a sickening amount of "honey," "baby," and "I love you." They don't even get out of earshot before Silver snipes, "The phrase 'Gag me' comes to mind" and starts ragging on them. Dixon doesn't know what just hit him.
Over in the A/V room, Navid does a lighting test and showers compliments on AAdrianna, his stand-in. He says she's glowing, which immediately awakens her "I'm not pregnant, I swear!" defensiveness. He chuckles at her knee-jerk reaction. She asks him if he's happy, and he gushes that he's never been happier. He says he wouldn't change a thing. This gives AAdrianna pause because there's a whole lotta change growing in her uterus. He says earnestly that he is really happy. She wistfully says she is too, knowing it's only a matter of time.
Later, West Bev's token Butchy Gym Teacher holds a softball bat and barks at her students. Naomi channels Amber from Clueless and gives the teacher lip for making them actually, like, do sweaty stuff in gym. The nerve! Naomi claims she has her period and is "bleeding like a stuffed pig." Classy. BGT gives her a pass, then asks if AAdrianna is also menstruating. As we know, she is not. The coach basically tells her to walk it off. Naomi gets all up in BGT's grill and extrapolates AAdrianna's headache to the nth level, suggesting that she could pass out and impale herself with sports equipment. BGT forfeits this battle in service of winning the war and tells Naomi she's going to start keeping track of her menstrual cycle. Ummm... you know what? I'm just going to let that one lie. Regardless, this scene would have been about 2,000% more awesome if Julie Brown and/or references to the "crimson wave" had been involved.
Naomi and AAdrianna head back inside and are hit with a massive wall of heat. They suspect the air conditioning system is broken. , Naomi asks AAdrianna for an update on her life, and AAdrianna desperately asks her if she wants to hang out soon. She starts to confess her secret but cuts herself off before she starts crying, couching it by saying she's "going through something." Naomi receives this vague talk suspiciously. Before they can set up their get-together, The Blendeds beckon because one of their coffees tastes too coffee-y. I'm not making this up. Naomi scampers off, leaving AAdrianna unhappily in her wake. Naomi stupidly confides in The Blendeds that she thinks AAdrianna is using again. They are predictably unsympathetic. Naomi goes off the deep end, calling AAdrianna "a trainwreck druggie."
Later, the students mix solutions in science class. A Random Blended snarks that AAdrianna "would like to drop some of that sulphuric acid." Har-har, you're so clever! Shut up. AAdrianna suddenly collapses. As usual, Naomi makes this all about her, saying she can't believe this is happening again. Random Blended tells her AAdrianna is not her problem. Credits.
We return to the caf. And to Ethan and Annie making out. Silver and Dixon interject so Dixon can ask for the keys to the crap wagon. Annie sticks it to him by revealing that he signed up for some secret extracurricular activity. He sheepishly admits that he joined the choir. Silver tartly unloads every choir stereotype on him. It's pretty mean. Not a good sign. Only this show's high-caliber writers would ram in such an abrasive character change to justify a plot shift. Mark my words.
Harry interrupts the sweet and sour double date over the televised P.A. system. He confirms that the A/C is broken and says it will take another day to fix. He announces that he's canceling school tomorrow. Uproarious applause.
Everyone leaves jubilantly, save Naomi, who takes it upon herself to break the (false) news to Navid that AAdrianna is using again. He doesn't believe her. Apropos of nothing, Naomi bitches, "She's not always my responsibility, Navid!" Navid tells her to get over herself and heads off.
In doing so, he walks past the Makeout Twins mid-face suck. I'm beginning to wish there were stringent PDA rules at high schools. Luckily Tabby interrupts their spit-swapping to gift Annie with a brand new, red bow-adorned car. Annie ecstatically squeals, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" Cut to Debbie: "No!" Annie argues it's a waste of a good car, but Harry sides with his wife and says Tabby should have checked with them first. Debbie's panties are fully wadded now because she expressly forbade Tabby to get the kids a car. Annie unsuccessfully tries debate with them, then falls back on mugging for Daddy. He wisely consults Debbie, who confiscates the keys. Dixon walks in and cluelessly asks whose car is outside. "Not ours!" snots Annie.
Outside, the sun bears down as Tabby practices Tai Chi in her finest Chinese attire, including chopsticks in her hair -- though she does stop just short of a conical paddy hat. Annie sits nearby, tossing random snippy comments until she reaches full-boil and rants that life is a conspiracy against teenagers. She says she's sick of being shackled by other people's rules and sick of being a teenager. News flash, smarty pants: That doesn't end when you grow up. The only change is that people stop handing you food, money, and shelter to obey them.
Tabby agrees with Annie, probably because she subconsciously wants to rankle Debbie some more. She heads over to her purse and pulls out a jingling set of keys. Annie looks quizzically, so Tabby explains they're the keys to her Palm Springs house. She sends Annie off to enjoy the freedom and space that she so desperately lacks in the massive Beverly Hills mansion. She claims she already asked for Debbie's permission, and Annie is good to go. Lies, both of them.
Over at The Peach Pit, Dixon brings Navid a massive take-out order. Navid asks if Dixon and Silver have plans to go to the beach later. Dixon snarks that she may be busy planning for the apocalypse. Navid picks up on Dixon's sarcasm, so Dixon admits that he's growing weary of Silver's cynicism. Navid reminds Dixon that cynicism is Silver's shtick. Dixon mentions that Silver mocked Annie and Ethan's "I love you"s. From this, Navid theorizes -- based on his "vast experience with women" (cue eyebrow raise from Dixon -- that Silver might be jealous of Annie and Ethan because Dixon hasn't said he loves Silver yet. He advises Dixon to take the plunge. And he puts forward this scholarly proposition with more "dude"s and "bro"s than I care to count. As he leaves, Dixon screams that he didn't leave a tip. Navid shouts back that he did give him a tip -- a big tip -- and tries to make a cool exit. Of course, he ends up stumbling and crashing into some patrons. Do not take advice from this man, Dixon!
Back at Casa Wilson, a (literally and figuratively) hot-headed Debbie storms into the family room, griping that Tabby has turned up the heat now. Harry tries to quell her exasperation, but she drops the bomb: It's me or the Casa! Harry tries to explain that he's stuck in the middle, but Debbie grits her teeth and tells him she needs him to back her before stamping off to turn down the thermostat. Harry collapses on the couch dramatically.
Elsewhere, Naomi finds AAdrianna in a park surrounded by crying children. She immediately regrets coming but still feels protective. She accuses AAdrianna of relapsing. AAdrianna denies it, and Naomi, convinced that she's lying, starts to walk away. AAdrianna reluctantly admits she's pregnant. Naomi is awestruck and immediately changes her tune. They discuss AAdrianna's situation, and AAdrianna admits she's scared. Naomi supportively grabs her hand.
Back at the Casa, Annie phones Ethan to tell him she's "ready to go to Palm Springs" with him. Wink, wink. The conversation that follows is about 80% innuendo and 100% inane. She's a metaphorical tramp. The worst kind.
AAdrianna and Naomi have arrived at the blow-out beach party. AAdrianna is apprehensive about showing up, but she promised Navid she would come. Naomi asks if she's broken the news to him yet. AAdrianna says she wants wait for the right time. Well... I find that telling your boyfriend that you're knocked up by an HIV-positive drug addict usually works best around twilight. The soft light really makes hideously life-changing news so much more palatable. Naomi urges AAdrianna to take this day to relax.
Annie and Ethan arrive in Palm Springs, and she gives him the grand tour, climaxing with the bedroom. Yeah, I said 'climax.' They're both stunned by the prospect of the bedroom right there, right then, so they fumble around for a while, trying to find something to take their minds off each other's nakedness. Annie suggests playing cards. This puzzles Ethan. Perhaps he thinks it's another ill-conceived sexual metaphor. They settle on going out to eat.
Back at the beach, Dixon and Silver arrive with a super-heavy bag full of sand castle-building tools. Dixon misses the one thing Silver is genuinely excited about because he's too busy leering at her body in her Paris Hilton Carl's Jr.-style swimsuit. Hot-cha, Silver! I didn't know you had it in you! She wonders why he's staring at her, but he chickens out from dropping the L-bomb. As they pile up sand, she natters on about the place of sand castles in art history -- or something -- but he's preoccupied, for obvious (to us) reasons.
Down a ways, Naomi and AAdrianna lay out when, lo and behold, Date Rape George is blocking their sun! I must admit, I hate him slightly less after realizing he plays Emmett Cullen in Twilight. Yes, I'm that girl. I don't think I'm fully converted, though, because I approached a Hot Topic the other day and could not, with a clean conscience, go in. But let me tell you, it was a close one. Those unwashed locks that once sat atop Rob Pattinson's head can be quite mesmerizing. Narcotic, even... Vegetarian vampires aside, DRG harasses AAdrianna for being a "train wreck druggie" (Naomi's words, as you'll recall), then self-consciously puns that she's "back on the tracks." Jackass. The scene is entirely pointless, save that AAdrianna is taking one last chance to show off that hot body pre-baby bump.
Over at the Casa, Debbie, Harry, and Tabby share an awkward dinner. Debbie breaks the silence by asking when Annie will be back from the beach party. A flash of guilt streaks Tabby's face. Then, apropos of nothing, she reveals that Harry wore cloth diapers. Tabby explains that this ham-fisted segue was meant to show that she has been a parent for a long time. Debbie panics and asks where Annie is. Tabby admits that she sent her to Palm Springs. Debbie is having none of it. Harry is mute, as always. Tabby assures Debbie that she just installed a new security system. Debbie says that's not the point, so Tabby snaps back, "Then what is the point?" Harry finally grows a pair and tells Tabby she overstepped her bounds. He echoes Debbie's ultimatum: Their way or the highway. Tabby is speechless, maybe for the first time ever. Commercials.
And the weekend of sin continues in Palm Springs. Annie and Ethan have nonsensically opted for a seven-course tasting menu consisting almost entirely of innards-based delicacies, such as liver and sweetbreads. Annie's phone rings mid-foie gras. It's Debbie, of course. Annie clings to Tabby's clearly bullshit story and decides not to take the call. But you know that she is subconsciously aware that a mid-date phone call from Debbie is never a good one. Witness: San Francisco. Ethan jokes about the food until Annie decisively puts down her silverware and says she's "ready... to go to Palm Springs." Yeah, you should really stop using a metaphor when it's logistically useless, sweetheart. At this news, Ethan can't throw down the money fast enough. They skitter out faster than you can say "pierced hymen."
Back at the beach, Naomi reams The Blendeds for spreading her shit-talk about AAdrianna. She spits that none of them can ever talk trash about her friends again. The Blendeds' answer to Regina George okays this, with a predictably yelpy protest by the Gretchen Wieners of the group. This merits harsh looks from all. Naomi struts off satisfied, but I suspect this is far from over.
So Annie at Ethan are on the way to "Palm Springs," so to speak. And who provides the background music? David "I Sing the Body Asexual" Archuleta. This scene just became bearable. Yes, I'm that girl, too. I swear, I think I was less of a teenager when I was actually in my teens... So Annie and Ethan affirm their mutual love some more and start making out, except she gets a case of the giggles. She admits this is, like, the end of her life as she knows it, the nexus of her of teen experience, yadda yadda. He starts looking slightly uncomfortable but goes with it as they continue disrobing. A few more pieces and some furious snogging later, he breaks the party up because he is freaking out that he might not live up to her expectations, or they might break up, etc. He says he doesn't want to hurt her. "You just did," she sniffs, then plods off.
Back at the beach, Navid is wearing the longest swim trunks I have ever seen. Seriously, dude, just wear pants. It's like a 1920s revival up in here. Date Rape George beckons him over and hazes him about his "train wreck druggie" girlfriend. Navid goes all macho man and tackles George. Good news for Navid's pretty face, AAdrianna pulls him off almost immediately. DRG just laughs at him.
The star-crossed non-lovers retreat. Navid apologizes, but AAdrianna is charmed that he defended her honor... again. She assures him that the rumors aren't true, and he says he knows that. Seeing how good Navid is, a wave of guilt washes over AAdrianna, and she just comes out with it. What a horrible time and place to make that confession. This girl should be the poster child for bad judgment. At least she might get a nice per diem and some union health insurance for her baby... Navid asks if she's joking. She starts to explain, but he is already on auto-pilot. He leaves her alone, knocked up and stranded on the shore.
We return to Palm Springs, where Harry and Debbie have driven up in a wacky search for their runaway teen. Plucking violin strings fill the orchestration to cue us in to just how zany these two really are! I'm surprised they didn't have to climb a fence just so Harry could take a pratfall. Harry and Debbie soon spot Ethan sleeping -- alone -- on the couch, then Annie -- also alone - in the bedroom. They are elated and relieved. They laugh at themselves for being worry warts.
They slide back into the crap wagon for a heart-to-heart. Harry confesses the Sean situation has made him second-guess himself. He apologizes for making things harder on her, including but not limited to letting Tabby co-opt their parental authority. They laugh about it and concede that everyone is just trying to do his/her best. Debbie smilingly admits that she's happy to get away, and Harry agrees. He strokes her hair , and they do what any responsible parents would do in this situation: Make whoopee in the back of the car.
Back at the beach, Dixon and Silver have completed their sand castle. He's still staring. She asks what's up, and he decides it's now or never. He tells her he loves her. Pause. Pause. Pause. Anguished look on Silver's face. She tells him thank you. Kiss. Of. Death. He gets the droopiest, saddest look on his face and can't even look at her. Sadness. Naturally, Silver gets defensive that Dixon expected her to say something back. He tells her to forget it, so she amps up to pure self-righteousness and snidely suggests he bring cue cards so she can know what to say time. He tries to calm her down, but she's on a roll. In the heat of the moment, he tells her she's acting like a freak. She takes her dramatic soap opera cue to take her rage out on the poor, defenseless sand castle, then storms off. Dixon doesn't know what hit him... again. This is bullshit.
The morning in Palm Springs, Annie and Ethan head outside to drive home, noting that the heat wave has broken. They discover the crap wagon -- and Annie's half-dressed parents inside. Hello Rob Estes' chest! Harry puts on his authoritative voice and tells them to head to school, but he and Debbie just lost all authority with their knickers. Ethan can barely contain his laughter. Did I mention that Debbie's basically topless? The kids walk off. For their own sanity, Harry and Debbie go into immediate denial that the kids didn't know what they just saw. Harry heads to the driver's seat while Debbie locks and loads the girls.
Back at West Bev, AAdrianna finds Navid in the A/V room. She asks if he's made any decisions. He tells her that he wants to tell her he can handle it. The nuanced, carefully worded phrasing isn't lost on her. She half-smiles, half-grimaces and tells him she's not asking him for anything. He curtly responds, "Good," and admits he might not be up for the challenge. She says okay and leaves before he sees her crying. Underlying this conversation, Adele sings the exquisite "Hometown Glory.". I would be crying over Navid's (understandable) failure to be there for AAdrianna if I weren't already crying over Adele's velvet-and-gravel voice. These are what the angels in heaven must sound like -- if they smoke three packs a day.
Adele continues her smoky siren song as Silver catches up with Dixon out in the hall. She apologizes for overreacting. He's predictably stand-offish and tells her to pretend it never happened. She accepts entirely too quickly, too casually. Dixon makes an excuse and curtails the conversation -- to him, it did happen. He will never forget. She calls out, asking if she'll see him later. He half-heartedly says sure and keeps on walking. She gets it. But it's too late.
Over at the Casa, Tabby blends a fruit smoothie. Debbie enters to make peace, compromising that the kids can keep the car if they pay for gas and insurance. Tabby apologizes for crossing the line. They agree to set some ground rules as soon as she returns from playing Marmee Osgoode in the miniseries Redcoats and Bluebloods. Nice. She assures Debbie that her decision had nothing to do with their tiff and that Debbie has everything under control. Sure, the old girl's leased some control now, but the quick zing about Debbie and Harry's minivan romp, and the shot of booze poured in her smoothie let us know that ain't goin' nowhere.
Back at West Bev, Naomi and AAdrianna walk down the hall together. Naomi admits she started the drug rumors and apologizes. AAdrianna is initially upset but eventually apologizes for lying and setting herself up to be misunderstood. She chagrins that she is now officially a walking statistic -- 16 and pregnant -- not to mention single again. Naomi promises that AAdrianna won't have to go through her pregnancy alone. They stare at each other in sisterly affection... that is, until Butchy Gym Teacher shows up for some more barking and softball bat-wielding.
Annie finds Ethan out in the quad. It's tense since he gave her the silent treatment on the ride back from Palm Springs. He explains that he freaked out the night before because he realized that he, too, believed in the things she said about sex. He asserts that he wants to make sure they build a strong foundation before they have sex and that they should take things slower, starting with a normal high schooler's movie date and some making out. She happily accepts. They say "I love you" once more and seal it with a kiss. Greeeeeeeeeat. Honestly, I know I should be supportive because this is a well thought-out, grown-up way of approaching things, but it's kind of like sending Dick Cheney to espouse the merits of gun control. Sure, he'd know a thing or two about it, but it rings false, staged, evidence of some agenda-driven morality play. I never thought I would long for the days of cocaine addiction, abusive boyfriends, and (shudder) Val Malone. Why are you doing this to me, show? Why?!
On a more positive note, if you're of a certain persuasion (the awesome kind) and want to see a far superior heat wave episode. Check out Roswell: season 1, episode 9. The inclusion of Gomez alone merits it an A+ in my book. Yep, I'm that girl, too. And if you don't like it... well, just like BabsInLaCrosse, DianeFan, CougarLetter, and Jesus himself, you can suck it.