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Games, games… and the people who play them. Harry's bastard son Sean brings his A-game this week, arriving and throwing everyone for a loop -- particularly Dixon, who is in a full-blown existential crisis. Crazy Eyes showers Sean with fancy reservations and Watsu massages, all to no avail, so he moves into Casa Wilson. With the ball back in his court, though, it seems Sean's intentions may not be entirely honorable.
Naomi gets her Mean Girl on, scoring a reservation at Ozzy's father's hot spot restaurant and, with that, a place among West Bev's Plastics wannabes. As repayment, though, she has to jump through hoops for Ozzy. Remember him? He said he didn't like to play games. Don't know why, though, because, when he does, it's hot-hot-hot.
Not hot, however, is Annie's own stab at Regina George-ness. This diva-like behavior makes Ethan start to wonder why he liked this girl just as soon as he commits to her publicly. Silver finally puts things into perspective and makes Annie realize what a giant dill weed she's become -- and saves us from seeing Annie's hoo-ha while she's at it. Thank you, Silver! Annie covers up (in a mascot outfit, no less) and makes peace with being a homespun Kansan dork. Her wiggling around as Walter the Wildcat during West Bev's bid for the regional lacrosse championship reminds Ethan of the pentapus-loving girl he fell in like with.
Someone else in the cheering section might show Silver with some competition, though. One of the varsity rah-rah girls takes a liking to Dixon after they bond about being black at West Bev. I hope Silver remembers a thing or two about street fighting and shank crafting from her days in the shelter.
And in storylines that only remind us how much cooler things were in the good old days… Kelly espouses the values of friendship by giving Brenda a plant. Brenda returns this favor by telling Kelly she slept with Matthews. Yes, Kelly, friendship is like a plant. It probably would have helped if you'd told Brenda that a few weeks ago before she pissed all over it.
Which version of this show is more unrealistic? See what our vloggers have to say. Then come back on Thursday for our weecap of this episode.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Harry and Crazy Eyes "made" it a long, long time ago -- and they won't let us forget it! Matthews drove a wedge between Kelly and Brenda, then he drove his wedge in Brenda, if you know what I mean. Ozzy briefly made Naomi reconsider game playing... until she decided to royally eff up Annie's life and, even worse, her Super-Sweet 16. But that was just the beginning of the drama, because the khaki-uniformed byproduct of Harry and Crazy Eyes' teenage trysts showed up for a split-second and stunned the two brawling brats into sweet, sweet silence...
...which is right where pick up. Naomi breaks my moment of Zen by telling Sean she's his half-sister. Annie follows suit. Sean presumes they're sisters, to which they blurt out a horrified, synchronized "No!" Ethan, Dixon, and Silver spy from the window and see that the shouting match has ended, but they wonder who the military bohunk is. Elsewhere, Harry tries to stop Tabitha from digging into the cake. Debbie suggests she "eat a pig in a blanket." Tabby thinks this is Kansan for "Go screw yourself" and retaliates by swiping her finger through the cake and making a dramatic exit. As Harry and Debbie muse over Tabby's antics, Annie presents Sean, who foregoes the drama and introduces himself as the long-lost bastard that he is. Harry = speechless.
Later, Tabitha goes into her tap dance of lechery re: Sean. She notes that his nose is "definitely a Wilson nose, but a little less... how would you say... schnozzy." It's no "You could crush a mint on those abs," but even cougars have their off days. Sean begins ingratiating himself into the family as Harry stares at him with paternal curiosity. Debbie and Dixon lock eyes, and she gives him a knowing gaze over the disruption in their still-stabilizing life here in the Bev Niner.
Tabby asks about Sean's military career, making a crack that he's one of the "real Americans" that a certain VP candidate mentioned. He drawls that the military was a good way to see the world and pay for college. As he talks about Iraq, Naomi warily walks up and listens to him say that this place is a heckuva lot nicer than his unstable upbringing in South Carolina. He tells them a detective approached him recently and told him about his birth parents, so he decided to meet them before he shipped off for duty.
And speak of the devil, his bi-HO-logical mom prances into the room with her laser eyes set to high as she screams and swishes her side ponytail wildly. She and Sean hug, and she caterwauls, "Look at us! We're just one big happy family now. Isn't it great?" Credits.
Back at Casa Wilson, Tabby finally gets her cake as the clan wallows in the ruins of their nuclear family set-up. Debbie wonders if they were right to ship Sean off to Clark Compound for the night, but Harry admits his staying would have been weird. Harry asks for everyone's feedback. Annie and Dixon both say they're cool with it (lies), and Tabitha says it makes her feel old. She wants her public age to be 54, so she asks Dixon how old she would have had to have been when she gave birth to Harry now that he has a 25-year-old son. Dixon says she would have been 11 years old. As Tabby does some more mental math, Harry admits he feels like he hasn't been a good father to his son. Dixon -- who, as has been established many times, suffers a deep-seated insecurity about his legitimacy as Harry's son -- eats his cake sullenly. Tabby interrupts the brooding to propose that Sean tell people he's 20 years old so her story will be more plausible.
The morning, Annie and Ethan walk smugly through West Bev's halls calling each other girlfriend and boyfriend. He pushes her up against a locker for a smooch, but she stops him because Naomi is nearby. She wishes the perma donna would go away once and for all, especially after spoiling her special day. Ethan awkwardly purports that Annie ultimately won because now she has him -- her non-related, sexually attractive Siamese twin. His words, not mine.
Ozzy approaches Naomi. She puts up her cool-calm-and-collected façade, then blows it by obviously gawking at her two exes kissing. He asks her if she wants to talk, but she insists she's okay. She makes up for the appearance of vulnerability and her terror that she might have lost some power by dismissing him, saying it would be "a cold day in Tijuana" before she'd ever ask him for anything. Can people really still say shit like that without getting cuffed on the spot by the PC police? Also? What did Ozzy do to her? Last I checked, they'd have been doing a little bump-and-grind if she hadn't spotted the make-out twins. Naomi sucks.
Back in Siam, Kelly interrupts the twins to compel Annie to talk to her about what went down at her birthday. She drags Annie down the hall to her office.
They cross paths with Dixon, Silver, and AAdrianna. Silver asks Dixon for a "debriefing" about his brother. Dixon skirts the issue, and AAdrianna makes a joke about Silver "debriefing" Dixon. I suspect that is the only line AAdrianna will have this entire episode. Because why else would that exchange exist? Though I will use the opportunity to congratulate Tristan Wilds on being named one of 2008's "10 Breakout Stars". You really have earned it on this shit show, my boy. Big ups!
In Kelly's office, Silver's sister puts on her Guidance Counselor hat and breaches all sorts of conflicts of interest as she tries to force Naomi and Annie to discuss their new family set-up. She thinks it will provide an opportunity for them to help each other and grow closer. They immediately fall back into calling each other lying whores and such, so Kelly moves on. She lays down an entirely unironic metaphor between girlfriends and plants: they only survive if you nourish and appreciate them, get it? Does she realize that her best (and only?) girlfriend at present is Brenda? More on that later...
Dixon finds Silver live-vlogging during lunch, and AAdrianna makes another useless comment that strengthens my theory that the producers had absolutely nothing for her to do this episode. Annie spots Naomi roaming around in search of a table and snarks about Naomi's fashion choices -- which would be legitimate if she weren't wearing green denim short-shorts. While Ethan tries to quell her Annie-mosity, Silver feeds the beast, posing this question to her vlog watchers: "So where will the Queen Bee sit now that the King Jock is no longer her main drone?" She offers the options in a 10 Things I Hate About You-style run-down of West Bev's cliques. Sadly, there are no Rastafarians. Annie snipes that Naomi could join the drama kids and "do her best to act human." Ethan looks increasingly uncomfortable and wonders how much longer he'll have to date this asshat before he can squeeze a parking lot blowjob out of her.
Naomi finally finds a free seat with "The Blendeds," West Bev's answer to The Plastics. As she sits down, I swear that if one of them had a sound byte of a record scratching on her Sidekick, she would totally play it. They give her a "Bitch, please" look and snarl that they don't let sophomores sit with them. I guess they're older(?), but they look about 12 years old. Naomi assures them that she's no ordinary sophomore, so they decide to give her a chance because they're looking for a peon to fetch their Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf iced blendeds and re-program their Sidekicks and such.
Sean joins substitute lacrosse coach Harry at lacrosse practice that afternoon. Harry laments his absence in Sean's life, but Sean's nonchalant about it. Harry says that if he had known about Sean, he would have been there to help out. Sean says he turned out okay, and Harry gives him a meaningful pat on the back. Methinks those are dollar signs gleaming in Sean's eyes. Meanwhile, Dixon does some fancy footwork on the lacrosse field. He spots a pompom floozy cheering him on, then expectantly looks over at Harry for validation. His smile fades as he spots Sean and Harry bonding.
Over in the quad, Annie and Silver wonder when Matthews will return. They quip about his unfortunate assignment of Lolita just prior to taking the wrap for apparent statutory rape. As they laugh, Naomi walks by and whacks her purse into Annie's back. Naomi jokes that she didn't see Annie "way down there" and advises her to wear heels. Um, Naomi? She's not short, SHE'S SITTING! If you're going to crack on someone, at least make sure the insult works. She follows up that treasure by knocking on Annie's face. At this, Annie jumps up for the smack down. Unfortunately, she can't think of a "Yo' Mamma" joke fast enough, so Naomi smirks and walks off. Annie seethes, but Silver tells her to let it go.
Naomi delivers the custom-programmed Sidekick to one of the Blendeds and asks if she's done with initiation yet. They say there's one more to-do: They want an impossible-to-get reservation at a hot new restaurant called Desiderata. Naomi thinks she has this one in the bag because it's Ozzy's dad's place. They are impressed, then remember they haven't gotten their ritual after school blendeds yet. When who should arrive? Naomi's servant Penelope with a tray full of them.
For some reason, this really sets Annie off, and she marches her green hot pants over to hit up Naomi with, "So, your housekeeper seems really nice. Is you dad doing her, too?" Naomi snots that Annie's just doing a poor imitation of her and snidely pats Annie on the head. Annie nearly goes off, but Ethan breaks it up. Naomi skips off, singing, "Enjoy my sloppy seconds!" Annie looks sick with anger and frustration. Ethan is pretty frustrated, too -- with Annie. He angrily asks what has happened to her. Commercials.
Naomi finds Ozzy and lays her America's Sweetheart act on thick. He sees through it and asks what she wants. She asks for a reservation to Desiderata. He okays it, and she is astounded that he gave in so easily.
Across town, Kelly meets Brenda after her performance of Macbeth. Brenda hasn't returned her phone calls, but Kelly wants to take her to lunch. Brenda hems and haws, but Kelly eventually pins her down. She presents her with the friendship plant. Brenda wonders why Kelly gave her an office plant. It just doesn't have the same pizzazz as a love fern, does it?
At Casa Wilson, Tabitha enters the living room and finds Debbie sitting alone. After their usual snarky preamble, Tabby wonders why Debbie isn't joining Harry for his dinner with Sean and Crazy Eyes later. Debbie wants to give Harry space, so Tabby takes her cue to rock another zany pep talk. This one is entitled "Jean-Luc and the Chihuahua." In short, Tabby once gave a Frenchman (with long, double-jointed fingers) a "Me or the dog" ultimatum. He chose the flea-bitten mongrel. She urges Debbie to give a rat's ass about Harry's affairs, lest she find herself with another November surprise in 25 years' time.
That night, Naomi paces around at Desiderata as the Blendeds haze her about having to wait for their reservation. She storms up to the maitre'd station, where Ozzy acts dumb. She accuses him of playing games. He smirks that she's sexy when she panics, but ultimately gives her a table -- the best in the house, in fact. But she'll owe him. She frantically submits and beckons the Blendeds.
At West Bev, the lacrosse team attends its annual Spirit Dinner. Harry wishes them luck at the game tomorrow. Everyone is convivial except Dixon. The hotsy totsy cheerleader from earlier decides she knows just how to cheer him up. She has proven leadership skills in that area, after all. Anyhow, she's black, too, and she compliments him for breaking West Bev's lacrosse color barrier. She compares him to Jackie Robinson -- who must be rolling over in his grave. Dixon humbly says he plays for his dad. She asks if Harry is his dad, and he gets grumpy, then bounces back by playing on her overestimation of him and joking that he's stressed from trying to discover the cure for the common cold and global warming. It's a weird conversation, but they seem to enjoy it. Meanwhile, Sean arrives, and Harry comes over to tell Dixon that he's going to cut out early to show Sean around town before dinner. Dixon is visibly disgruntled as he watches them leave.
Over at Guess Who(re) Came to Dinner, Crazy Eyes yaps about all her plans with Sean -- including, but not limited to, hitting all the L.A. hot spots and a Watsu in Hot Springs. He asks if Watsu is sushi, and she condescendingly calls him adorable while explaining that Watsu is a water shiatsu massage. For some reason, she thinks this -- and eating at every sushi restaurant in town (which they have also done) -- would appeal to a down-home, military boy from South Carolina. Apparently sticking her finger in an electrical socket and coating her tresses with industrial strength curl shellac hasn't augmented her brain function.
Harry senses Sean's discomfort with the Watsu and the raw fish, so he invites him to the lacrosse game. Sean looks relieved, but Crazy hones in her taser pupils and asks if a high school sporting event is all that Harry has to offer. Well, he is a high school principal, you rube. Debbie takes umbrage and decides to offer Sean the chance to stay at their house. He happily accepts and compliments their home... again. Crazy Eyes gets one more jab in, noting that the fancy house and the money is Tabitha's, not Harry's.
Back at that fancy house of Tabby's, Silver laughs about Annie's earlier near-aneurysm. Annie buckles her cho-cha into the whoriest rocker-schoolgirl skirt she could find (I suspect it's from the Audrina Patridge collection), and Silver reminds her she'll be sitting on cold metal bleachers tomorrow. Annie asks if it's too short, and Silver responds, "Let's just say you're gonna need two hairdos with that outfit." Ha! Annie mopes about how she hates her clothes, but Silver is still laughing over Annie's flip-out. She compares Annie to a de Kooning painting called "Woman," which I assume is this one, though he did many paintings of bug-eyed, ugly women -- all of whom could possibly fit the bill for Silver's bizarro interpretation of Angry Annie.
Annie gets introspective. She asks Silver if she has changed. Homegirl, do you not remember weeping on your ex-boyfriend's shoulder last week after he spoke these exact words to you? Sometimes people just don't want to know the truth. Either way, Silver rationalizes that Annie isn't doing anything worse than Naomi. She doesn't add, however, that to even be near the level of Naomi's fuckery should be an offense worthy of burning at the stake. But perhaps that's just my non-L.A. values talking. Anyway, Annie already knew the answer to her own question. She regrets that she has left her dorky self behind and now talks shit and cares about her clothes and what other people think. She says she wants to be that person again. Silver says nobody's stopping her. Some people (Silver!) are definitely slowing her down, though.
The day, Harry and the team huddle up to strategize before the regional championship. Dixon starts to ask a question but is interrupted when Debbie and Sean walk up cheering. Sean jokes about joining the game, and Harry invites him to cheer from the sidelines. The team revs up and takes the field. All except for Dixon, who looks on in anguish.
Elsewhere, Kelly and Brenda meet for lunch. Brenda apologizes for losing touch, then starts talking about moving on and growing up. Kelly wonders if Brenda is "breaking up" with her. Brenda says she's over the boy drama and doesn't think their history is enough reason to keep moving forward if they never learn anything. Kelly buries her face in a menu and huffily tells Brenda to go live her life then.
Back at the game, Ethan sees Silver and AAdrianna. He asks them where Annie is. Silver doesn't know. AAdrianna stands around silently until she concludes her third scene of the episode by running off to upchuck behind the bleachers. See you week, AAdrianna! Bring back Navid!
Behind the bleachers (but presumably not in the tossed-cookies zone), Naomi struts around in a trailer-tastic Wildcats belly shirt. Ozzy approaches to ask about dinner. She falls back into fighting posture and acts all high-and-mighty. He cracks that façade by reminding her that she owes him. He demands a kiss. She creams her pants a little, then slaps back on the stone face to act like she doesn't want it. She practically breaks his nose as she plants one on him, but he pulls her in closer, and they engage in possibly the hottest kiss this show will ever see. Unfortunately for Naomi, Ozzy didn't want the kiss for himself. He wants her to kiss school mascot Walter the Wildcat. He smirks off as she marches off to smooch the stuffed animal.
Naomi works her runway walk as she approaches the poor dancing buffoon, who has no idea what's coming to him. She barks at the mascot to stop moving and lays a big old smacker on him. Walter the Wildcat pulls of his mask to reveal that "he" is actually Annie. Naomi recoils in horror and calls Annie a freak. Okay, you're the one who just stopped a stuffed cat from gettin' jiggy wit' it to make out with him, lady. Naomi storms off and all Annie can think of to say back is "Oh, whatever!" She's a real master of the zingers, that one. Sheesh. Ethan sees all this go down, but Annie breaks the tension by doing a dance that makes him laugh.
Kelly arrives at the game. Apparently she missed the interspecies make-out because she asks Annie how things are with Naomi. Annie subtly mocks the plant metaphor to tell her that "things" ain't good. Kelly can't dole out advice, though, because she gets an emergency phone call and must leave.
On the field, Dixon is triple-teamed, so Harry calls a time-out. Everyone hovers around the water cooler as Harry tries to pump up the team. Sean decides to repeat Harry's pep talk like he's suddenly been named Assistant Coach. As you'd imagine, this doesn't go over well with Dixon. Dixon returns to the field and takes his aggression out on one of the rival team's players. Harry calls him off the field and asks what's up. Dixon throws down his gear and tells Harry to screw himself. Twice. Suck on that, princiPAL.
Harry follows brooding Dixon into the locker room and unleashes a Wildcat-blue streak of words. He tells Dixon that on the field, he's his coach, not his dad. Dixon gets to the heart of the matter, saying it looked more like he was Sean's dad, adding that Sean is Harry's "real son." He admits that he feels neglected since Sean has been dominating Harry's time. Harry apologizes and reaffirms that Dixon is his son. He says that biology doesn't matter, but Dixon counters that Harry wouldn't accommodate Sean so earnestly if genes didn't matter. More to the point, they do matter -- to him. Dixon says he sees how Harry feels connected and knows himself better through this new biological connection, and he wants that for himself. Harry thinks it might be time for Dixon to learn about where he comes from.
Back outside, the game has resumed. Ethan scores the winning goal. The team celebrates, and the crowd cheers. As Dixon walks off the field, Rah-Rah-Sister-Boom-Bah congratulates him and gives him a hug. Silver comes up to cheer him and asks who that girl was. They look back at her, and the skeezer is gazing lustfully at Dixon and hiking up her skirt for the whole world to see her bloomers. Dixon brushes it off and says that maybe year she'll actually get to see him play. She perks up at the prospect of being together year. They kiss, and he wraps his sweaty, padded arm around her as they walk off.
Annie takes off Walter the Wildcat's head and bounces up to Ethan. She explains that the real Walter hurt himself at the spirit dinner, so she volunteered to fill in. Then she barrels into a speech about how she's not Naomi -- she's not mean or trendy or up on pop culture, and she's definitely not cool. She fails to recognize, of course, that this is exactly why Ethan likes her. He tells her that he likes her for her, and they play around a little before making out.
Over at the bleachers, the Blendeds ask Naomi why she kissed Walter. She breaks down and tells them she had to in order to get the Desiderata reservation. They think she's hardcore and welcome her into their coven. Wear pink on Wednesday, bitch.
In the locker room hallway, Dixon catches up to Sean to make peace. Sean admits he's been going through a tough time because his gambling addict adoptive dad died recently. He thinks Dixon's lucky. Dixon invites him to a post-game dinner with the Wilsons. He emphasizes that they all want him there.
Kelly finds Brenda in a hospital room after learning that she was Brenda's emergency contact. Brenda says she blacked out on stage and fell on her head. She's surprised Kelly showed up after their last conversation, but Kelly says they are friends no matter what and that their history matters. Brenda admits that she was an a-hole because she felt guilty about sleeping with Matthews. Kelly lets out a disgusted little laugh and walks out.
Back at the Casa, Ben Gibbard strums his guitar and sets off sparks in the cold cockles of my heart. The Wilsons are huggy and happy, and all is right with the world again! Sean thanks Harry and Debbie for welcoming him in. They tell him to make himself comfortable. Sean heads to his room, and Harry thanks Debbie for being so understanding. She tells him that his Chihuahua is her Chihuahua, then explains that this is Tabitha for "Your family is my family."
In the hallway, Sean calls an unidentified person. He conspiratorially whispers that he is making himself "right at home" before taking in the Casa's grand interior and smirking as he struts to his room to settle in for what I suspect will be a good, long while.