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Oh, Annie Wilson, your life is so hard! On the eve of Annie's birthday, her ex Jason drops by from Kansas, prompting Tabby to deliver the show's best line ever, which I have, in turn, co-opted for my weecap title. Anywho, Naomi has decided use the rube in her revenge plot since spying slinky goings-on between the birthday girl and Ethan. Annie ultimately breaks it to Jason that she has moved on, but Naomi still sinks her claws into him -- all the while feeding Ethan conspiracy theories.
Annie's party arrives, and she has a frigging neon sign. And Tabby karaokes to Pat Benatar. Huzzah! That was worth the price of admission all by itself. Ethan predictably gifts Annie with the skanky old pentapus, and they make out. Conveniently, Naomi sees this and shows Jason -- all of this is part of her multifaceted plot to entrap Jason in her collagen-plumped lips (upstairs or downstairs, you choose). In the end, Annie realizes she's not the corn-fed, gingham-wearin' girl she used to be and breaks in her newly acknowledged bitchy side by ripping Naomi a new one.
Meanwhile, Kelly returns and gets wind of Matthews' supposed affair with Kimberly. She stages a fruitless man-tervention on Kimberly, but Kimberly shows how kick-ass she is by getting all up in Kelly's craw. Kelly eventually discovers that Ryan's not a pervert and slyly proposes they start dating again just in time for Kim to walk in and make Kelly feel bad about herself all over again. Nailed it! Also, we finally get to see Kimbocop in action, thanks in part to Matthews disappearing into a hole and going full-on wolf man during his leave of absence.
Navid and AAdrianna get ever closer, despite him temporarily blowing her off to cover the breaking Matthews news. She stalks him down and finds that his house has the Biggest. Doors. Ever. And he has a tutu-wearing sister whom I will find and pluck from West Bev any day now. AAdrianna meets Navid's millions of relatives. Her newfound intimacy forces his hand, and he admits he's a virgin. Who is surprised by this? Anyone?
And last, but certainly not least, Edie's rent boy nephew from Desperate Housewives pops over to Casa Wilson for one hot second to announce that he is Harry and Crazy Eyes' son.
See how the new cast stacks up against the classic crew, and talk about this episode in our forums. Then come back on Thursday for our full weecap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: AAdrianna turned love for the crack pipe into like-like for Navid. Matthews (ostensibly) dipped his toe in the kiddie pool and was asked/told to take a leave of absence. Annie once had a corn-husking boyfriend from Kansas but wasn't thinking about him at all once she and Ethan started to creep around, despite an ultimatum from Naomi. Long story short, Naomi spotted the two cheaters canoodling before they got the chance to come clean.
We return precisely where we left off last time: Weepy music plays as Naomi spies her betrayal in progress. She staggers off in a horrendous plaid-paneled dress that looks like something Jeffrey Sebelia concocted during a particularly harsh comedown. Students laugh and chat, enabling Naomi to suspect that the world really does revolve around her. Newsflash, perma donna: No one cares about Annie, Ethan, or you. Even me. And I'm paid to care. Naomi heads into class and hears two students further speculating on an impending romance between two hot people. Naomi spits out at AAdrianna, "They know?!" AAdrianna bursts Naomi's self-obsessed bubble to tell her that Aryan George sent a school-wide text message blowing the whistle on Matthews and Kimberly. Naomi pretends to be relieved, but you know she is howling inside since she can't be the victim.
Aryan George self-importantly swaggers into the class. Harry cuts off his self-congratulations by announcing that he'll be Matthews' substitute. He starts talking about Madame Bovary, and spoils the ending. Annie disrupts him by stumbling in late. She sits down, and Naomi leans over to suggest they have a little chat after school. Naomi gives an evil smile that quickly morphs to bitchface as Annie turns and squirms.
Out in the hall, Silver welcomes Kelly back to West Bev. Kelly tells her Dylan still has the same sideburns and commitment issues. But can he still deliver a perfectly timed double-chin punch? Because that is sorely missing from this show. Kelly seems to take it all in stride and claims she's leaving herself open to all possibilities. By which she means she's ready for a rebound fling with Matthews. Speaking of whom, she saw Harry teaching his class and wonders what's up. Silver tells Kelly she "missed some stuff" while away. Nothing unusual, though, just statutory rape, drug raids, OD-ing teenagers, and a raging house party -- at your own house.
Outside, camcorder in hand, Navid hounds Matthews as he takes his leave. Matthews is more Obama on Halloween, less Brad Garrett on a Tuesday as he tells Navid to shove off. Kelly comes outside and shoos Navid away. She asks Matthews if the rumors are true, and he -- probably for the first time ever -- doesn't spout off about his moral rectitude. He remains cagey, which doesn't satisfy Kelly one bit.
Back inside, Silver tries to discuss Annie's birthday party, but the lyin' hussy is distracted by her impending interrogation... er... chat with Naomi. Silver assures Annie that Naomi doesn't know anything. Annie wonders how Silver knows, so Silver gives her the rundown on the shell game she played with Naomi at the party. Annie asks how Silver is sure Naomi didn't see anything. Silver deadpans, "Because you're still alive." She warns Annie to tell Naomi in order to avoid a perm-splosion of epic proportions.
They find Naomi outside. Silver silently stands by so Annie can confess. It's a non-starter, though, because Naomi interrupts to sob that her mom filed the divorce papers. She enumerates her daily rundown of everything shitty about her life, announcing that, if she gets any more bad news, she'll lose it. Annie stays mum. Naomi suggests the three of them go to Robertson Boulevard for some pampering and shopping. Silver claims she has to blog about Matthews, but Annie and her massive, bright white choppers uneasily agree to go. Naomi smarms, "Thank you. You really are a good friend."
Annie leaves, and Naomi's smile dissolves into a "Bitch, please" look that shows she is setting that Midwestern bitch up for a fall. Just then, AAdrianna comes outside and invites Naomi to a girly poker night. Naomi thanks God she was just given the perfect lead-in to the joke she's been crafting in her head all day (or at least since she coined the Good 'n' Plenty zinger). She condescendingly snipes back, "That sounds like fuuuuun, but I've got my own games to play!" I think the perm solution is really getting to Naomi's head because this whack scheming would only fly on a soap opera. Or The Hills. Maybe she should go after Spencer Pratt instead of Ethan.
Shots of Robertson fill the screen, and yet there is no Phoebe Price in sight. Impossible! Annie is picking a dress for her Super-Sweet 16. She skips out of a fitting room, and Naomi compares her dress to Hannah Montana on acid. Okay, honey, with some of your busted get-ups, you're on thin ice. Flat-ironed Naomi says Annie's had quite a year, what with the move and breaking up with her Kansas boyfriend. Well that ham-fisted segue came straight out of left (corn)field. Annie prances back out, and her hair is exactly the same post-salon visit. Are we truly meant to believe she's naturally that perfect? Annie tries to use Naomi's assumption that she's single as an opportunity to bring up Ethan, but Naomi continues her pity party. She says how lonely she's been since the break-up, then pointedly asks, "What were you saying?" Annie skulks back into the fitting room.
Naomi continues forcing Annie to chat about her ex Jason. Annie says the break-up was mutual but there was no closure. While Annie blabbers, Naomi sneakily looks up Jason's contact info and types it into her phone. Naomi suggests it would be great for Annie to see Jason again and finally get closure, but Annie brushes it off to check out another dress she's tried on. Naomi says this is the dress she "should wear to the birthday [she'll] never forget." From this advice alone, Annie should know by now that Naomi's out to get her. That shit looks like Pippi Longstocking. Credits.
Back at West Bev, Navid works on his Matthews story. AAdrianna joins him and mentions that they are now an "us." Navid adorably deems "us" his new favorite word. She proposes some boyfriend-girlfriend activities. He's thinking lunch or a movie; she's thinking finger-banging. He shies away, using his work on the Matthews story as an excuse. She offers to help, but he's not interested. She looks rejected, but he promises to call her later and gives her a decidedly non-sexual kiss on the forehead. She slinks out, and he lets out a self-conscious sigh.
Out in the hall, Silver smiles in self-satisfaction as Dixon walks up, quoting her blog post: "Matthews Dips in the Kiddie Pool." Only now do I shamefully realize that I stole my opener from Silver. Damn you, Judah-Sachs for infiltrating my brain! Silver says this is her best blog yet. Well, it has been a while since she's delighted in others' misery, so she should have had some material stored up. Dixon accuses her of bias against Matthews since his and Kelly's relationship fizzled. She owns up to it, then compares it to Ethan rebounding with a tween. Dixon wonders how this analogy works... until he puts the pieces together and realizes that Ethan is rebounding with Annie. Snap! Silver swears him to secrecy. Suddenly, Ethan approaches and says hi to them. Their conversation screeches to a halt, and they literally point in opposite directions before running off, silent film-style. The sad truth is that they showed more personality in that singular gesture than Annie and Ethan have revealed in their entire contrived courtship.
Naomi finds Ethan at his locker and says they should get Annie a great gift for her birthday so she won't miss Jason. To his credit, Ethan is pretty sure she doesn't miss someone about whom she has uttered not one peep for nearly three months. Naomi claims Annie was moping about Jason during their shopping spree. She says she wants Annie's birthday to be special. I think Ethan, who dated Naomi for years, should be reasonably wary whenever she claims to have the best intentions toward anyone. But then again, Ethan's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Meanwhile, Harry joins Kelly on the way to her office. She harangues him for firing Matthews, but he asserts he had to act swiftly and tells Kelly to trust him. Kimberly interrupts and asks if she can come in. Once Harry has left, Kim brats that she can't go to class until Kelly signs a piece of paper. Kelly puts on her Guidance Counselor face, implying that Kim had an unrequited schoolgirl crush on Matthews. Kim snaps back that it sounds like Kelly speaks from experience. Kelly ignores her and says it would be understandable, given how beloved Matthews is. Kim asks permission to leave. Kelly hands her the signed slip and invites her to come back to chat any time. Well, if all their talks go like this, then sign Kim up!
Annie arrives at Casa Wilson, greeted by shouts from Tabitha and Debbie that they have a surprise for her. Cut to a slow-mo shot of hunka-hunka Jason emerging like Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy from Tabby's pool. Tabby slowly pulls down her sunglasses to get a better view, declaring, "You could crush mint on those abs." Honestly? He's kind of a butterface. Picture a hybrid of Michael Pitt and Aryan George, and you've got Jason. Shenae Grimes gives us another primer in teeth-centric "This is awkward!" acting. Commercials.
We return to the scene of the Grimes. Annie is stunned that another Kansan managed to find his way to L.A. With four already this year, hasn't the city reached its quota? She asks him why he's there, and he makes a lame crack about meeting Lauren Conrad. Groan. He says he'd hug her but doesn't want to get her "all wet." Tabby interjects that she wouldn't mind as she lecherously sips "iced tea."
And then, OMG, Naomi appears from nowhere, carrying a tray full of lemonade and yelling, "Surpriiiiise!" Sweet Jeebus, woman, this is over-the-top, even for you. Dixon follows behind her with a smirk on his face. Naomi asks if Annie likes her birthday present. Annie is still sifting through this shitbox when Naomi condescendingly tells her she shouldn't be without a man on her sixteenth birthday -- since it's the most important day of a woman's life, second only to her wedding. Way to sneak in the wedding reference, Frizzly Adams.
As this transpires, Jason stands there with a dumb grin on his face, the first of many to come, I imagine. He finally interjects to assure Annie that he told Naomi they broke up. Still, he admits he couldn't resist being with her on her big day. Naomi sees the wheels of her evil plan turning and practically skips off, sing-songing that they must have a ton to catch up on before dinner. Annie looks confused, so Naomi tells her she's whipped up a little meet-and-greet for Jason to get to know all of Annie's L.A. pals. He resumes the vacant smile and says Annie is lucky to have such wonderful friends. But dumb as a rock for trusting Naomi when she's this excited. How many times do I have to say it? Do not trust perky Naomi!
AAdrianna rolls up to Navid's house, with its comically massive front doors. (They've got to be at least 30 feet high). Navid answers the door, revealing only half of his body as if he's got a gun to his head on the other side. He says it's not a good time. She asks if there's someone else there. He finally opens the door to reveal a ridiculously adorable baby in a pink tutu -- his sister. As AAdrianna coos, Navid's dad struts down and asks if this is the lovely girl Navid's been talking about. He seems like a fairly stand-up guy, but I think that's how porn producers lure you in. He's probably sizing AAdrianna as he welcomes her into the mansion. As they walk over to the living room, Navid's 8-year-old sister teases him that AAdrianna is out of his league. There, Navid's mother and about 400 of his relatives greet her and invite her to dinner. He is mortified.
Over at Matthews Manor, the perv gets a call from Kim. He is indulging in this chance to wallow in his self-made misery and has really let go of his manscaping obligations. His hair is a half-step less ridiculous than Wolverine's, I'm just sayin'. Kim apologizes for screwing up. He cops to being thoughtless and thinks he deserves some of what he's gotten. He chagrins that he read Silver's blog and wonders how she doesn't worry about what people think of her. Yes, Matthews, imagine the horror of living a life where you don't have constant affirmation that you are the one and only Lord and savior to countless wayward teenagers! Pfffft. Kim promises to close the case quickly so they can naked-hug some more.
Dinner wraps up at Navid's house. Navid's family tries to ply her with some more food, telling her she's too skinny. She takes this as a compliment -- it's L.A. after all. AAdrianna has learned a lot about Navid: He plays several instruments and used to sing all day long. Papa Porno even offers videotaped proof. Navid's mother brings up AAdrianna's recent stay in rehab. Crickets chirp. In the background, I think I see Navid's aunt cutting the tension with a butter knife. Navid shushes his mom, but AAdrianna insists she's fine. Navid moves the conversation on to dessert and quietly apologizes to AAdrianna.
Somewhere trendier, the dinner from Hell is just starting. Annie orders a salad, and Jason cuts in to tell the waiter she takes her dressing on the side. Naomi smarms that she still remembers how Ethan takes his coffee. This gives her occasion to tell Jason she used to be with Ethan. Naomi again compares the two couples, implicitly reminding Annie to stick to her own kind and back the eff off. This all flies over Jason's head, and he recalls some quaint story about a Jayhawks game. Conversation = officially killed.
Silver asks Jason if he's visited L.A. before. He says he's thinking about attending UCLA, just like he and Annie talked about. At this, Ethan gives Annie a dubious look, and she reminds Jason they decided that a long time ago. Naomi wonders what Jason's rush is if he's also sophomore, but Jason informs them he's a senior. Ethan smugly chips in that UCLA's really hard to get into and asks if Jason has a back-up school. Dixon notes that Jason is top of his class and an all-state football player, so UCLA is actually his backup. Take that, Ethan! See if your pentapus can get you out of this one. Naomi chirps that "distance wouldn't be enough for [her] to let go of [Jason]." Annie squeakily excuses herself. Naomi continues digging for dirt on the happy ex-couple. Everything he says reinforces that they're soul mates, of course. At this, Ethan excuses himself. Jason continues broadcasting that dumb grin. I hate that grin and the face that wears it.
Ethan finds Annie at the bar -- not drowning her sorrows in a lake of tequila, sadly. Ethan questions whether she and Jason actually broke up or just took a break. She promises there has been no contact since they broke up. He wonders why Jason is following her out here, and she thinks he assumed they'd always be together. She rehashes the closure thing, so Ethan asks if she got closure. She assures him she's over it. He suggests she tell Jason about them, but she claims she doesn't want to hurt his backwater feelings. He insists that Jason should know they're together, but she touchés that he backed down when she wanted to talk to Naomi. Speak of the she-devil, Ms. Flat Iron 2008 appears to drag them back to the vortex of discomfort.
In a darkened parking lot, Kimbocop greets a low-level drug dealer and finally gets some action (of the non-Matthews variety). She cuffs him and offers him a deal -- 10 years in jail or a sit-down with his boss.
Back at Casa Wilson, Jason enters as Annie brushes her teeth. He says he's glad he came, but they both cop to the obvious weirdness of his visit. She says she's glad to be around someone who doesn't make her feel like she has to try so hard. Way to dish out a backhanded compliment, Annie Oakley! Nonetheless, he gets all wistful, telling her how he hasn't forgotten her. Then he plants one on her. Before she can set him straight, Dixon shouts out from his room that he's set up a video game for them. Jason must abandon his feminine side to be a manly again.
The day, Debbie resumes breakfast duties on Annie's birthday. She and Harry fawn all over Jason as Annie walks in. They leave, and Jason tells her he's taking a UCLA tour that day. He suggests they might get closer once he moves to L.A. The dumb-puppy grin slides off his face, though, as she tells him she's moved on. He thinks he should fly back to Kansas, but she tells him they'll always be friends (because guys love that) and that, as her friend, he has to come to her party. Dumb puppy smile resumes.
At West Bev, AAdrianna interrupts Navid's groundbreaking reportage to apologize for barging into his house. He apologizes for his lame family, but she says she loved them and wishes she had more than DinaLite. She also appreciated that they treated her like a normal person despite knowing she went to rehab. She says she likes him more the more she learns about him, then kisses him seductively and tells him to be honest with her. So out he blurts, "I'm a virgin." Now, I know AAdrianna's not exactly MENSA material, but how could she not have figured this out? He says he wants his first time to be special and worried she'd dump him, so he has been intentionally cagey. She kisses his worries away, and they laugh and kiss cutely.
Elsewhere, Naomi tries to convince Annie to reunite with Jason. Annie starts to tell Naomi the truth, until she sees Ethan and runs over to him. Naomi watches as they walk down the hall together. Ethan tells Annie he's not mad but is unhappy that their relationship has become so complicated. He vows for the millionth time to come out with it already. Annie insists on telling Jason when he gets home to spare his feelings. Then she admits he kissed her. Now Ethan is mad. He blames her for not telling Jason the truth, wishes them well together, and walks away. In the distance, Naomi's Joker mouth spreads into an impish grin.
That night, Kimbocop meets with some middle management drug dealer. He is dubious about her street cred, but she plays tough. He finally hands her a baggie, at which point the cops roll up, and she cuffs him.
Over at Casa Wilson, Tabby brandishes her Long Island Iced Tea while standing before a hot pink neon birthday sign for Annie. She dedicates "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" to Annie. I'm not sure what the special significance of that one is, but everyone seems to enjoy singing along. Tabby probably paid them. It would have been infinitely cooler if she had given a shout-out to the original show by rapping Snow's "Informer" -- even better if she had staged a rap battle with the granny from The Wedding Singer. I'm giddy at the thought of it! Naomi parades over to give Annie a backhanded compliment about the karaoke and ask about Ethan. Annie evades her, and, once Naomi leaves, Silver asks where Ethan is, too. Annie says he might not come after they fought that afternoon. She heads outside for some fresh air just as Tabby hits her glory note.
Ethan arrives with a big gift in his hand and finds Annie sitting outside. He apologizes for snapping, and they both admit their parts in this mess. Annie says that, for her birthday wish, she wants them to be together sans secrets. She wants to come clean before Jason leaves on the red-eye that night. Ethan agrees, then remembers to give her the present. She immediately knows it's the pentapus. (No points awarded for creativity.) He moans that she ruined the surprise, and she says she's over surprises. He announces that he's going to kiss her. At that moment, Naomi peers out the window like Mrs. Danvers and sees them kissing. She decides she has nothing better to do than crush Jason's simple, Midwestern heart. He sputters out some words, but Naomi disrupts his genuine display of emotion to launch into her rehearsed theatrics, then storm off.
Back at Matthews Manor, the wolf man exits the elevator with a suitcase. Kelly's there to tell him Harry finally told her the truth. She thinks the scandal will pass, but he wants to take some time to clear his mind. As he walks out, she sheepishly suggests they get together when he returns. Just then, Kim walks in, and Kelly leaves before embarrassing herself further. Kim and Matthews make out.
At Casa Wilson, Annie and Ethan are looking for Naomi. They hear her laughing and find her straddling Jason in the bedroom. Commercials. When we return, Annie wonders how Naomi could pull such a low-down dirty move. Naomi shoots back that it's nothing worse than what Annie did to her -- in a public school building, I might add. Poor, dumb Jason is just catching up, so Naomi spells it out in a cinematic-style villain monologue, which she ends as tritely as possible: "Payback's a real bitch, isn't it?" Jason follows Annie as she runs off. Ethan stays behind and angrily calls Naomi a pathetic bitch.
Downstairs, Dixon and Silver have nonsensically chosen to karaoke to "When The Saints Go Marchin' In." Harry and Debbie laugh at this, because if they didn't, they'd cry. Harry thinks they should power down the karaoke machine before Tabby can perform her grand finale, which may or may not involve pasties. Debbie fetches the cake.
In the hall, Jason apologizes to Annie for kissing Naomi. He wonders why Annie played Naomi's cat and mouse game rather than just telling the truth. In so many words, he tells her she's changed. She cries over this, and he gives her a comforting kiss on the cheek before leaving for LAX. Maybe he'll meet up with Matthews there, and they can take their self-discovery road trip together.
Annie dolefully walks back into the party. Harry finishes lighting the candles, and Naomi takes her front row seat as she waits for Annie's head to explode. Annie yells at her to take this outside. Everyone stares on silently, and let's just say the saints are no longer marchin' in. Tabby pipes in, "Any requests?" because, as any great actress knows, the show must go on. Bring out the pasties, girlfriend!
Outside, Annie and Naomi forego the slap fight of my dreams and just yell like bitches at each other. Naomi proudly admits that she did all of this just to ruin Annie's birthday. She calls Annie out for being a liar, but Annie rightly (if a little self-righteously) points out that her lies weren't malicious or premeditated. Naomi goes off on her, finally getting to the root of the problem: She feels like everyone lies to her, starting with her family. It's all about the Daddy issues. Annie says she has nothing to do with Naomi's dysfunctional family and basically calls Naomi a poor man's Machiavelli who has only herself to blame for feeling bitter and alone. Naomi puts on a brave face and spits back, "Is that all you got, Kansas?" Annie is about to give her some more when a young man interrupts and announces that he's Sean, Harry and Crazy Eyes' son. Cue five seconds of stunned recoiling.
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