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In light of, you know, the shifting sands of history and such, did you really watch 9021-hos last night? No? Well good. Because I did! And what better time to intermingle drama and democracy, for there is much to be learned.
The Wilson kids learn of their bastard half-brother. Dixon lets it digest while Annie is a big ol' brat. What's new? Speaking of the rube herself, Annie lets Ethan convince her that it's a good idea to hide their relationship at all costs and simultaneously make out in every clandestine location this side of Fred Segal.
We learn that Silver is a giver -- misguided, but a giver nonetheless. She senses the stress among the girls of the Bev Niner and decides to throw a slumber party. Would you be surprise if I told you that it turns into a raging, booze-filled house party? Naomi enlists her new bestie Annie to run interference while she scores some alone time with detention Ozzy. This would work well if Annie weren't three sheets to the wind and horny for Ethan. As such, Naomi nearly finds her ex-BF and new BFF all up in each other's business. Ultimately, Annie gets all weepy-weepy about lying to Naomi and being lied to by Harry. One results in throwing up in the bushes, another results in a heart-to-heart. It's yours to guess which is which.
We also learn that AAdrianna's favors Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies. Should I be worried that I do, too? Though, if it lands me a guy like Navid, who sorts jelly beans for his beloved, then siiiiigh. These earn their high school stripes when, at the party, he suggests they "go some place more private" -- which, in normal guy parlance that means "Let's hump" but in Navid parlance means "Let's watch sea turtle docs on Discovery Channel." Natch, casting couch veteran AAdrianna is baffled when Navid refuses to let her repay him for footing her bill to rehab with cold, hard sex. Eventually they make amends and proceed with their courtship.
Finally, we learn that Matthews has absolutely no discretion. His taboo affair with Kimberly escalates as Kim gets closer to the source of las drogas at West Bev -- and by "the source," I guess we mean George, that random blonde kid that Naomi made out with that time. He seems to be a no-go until precisely the right time that he should stumble upon Kim getting into Matthews' car after the party. Long story short, Matthews will be taking a paid leave of absence, stat.
And, finally, we learn that Naomi is ready to move on from her epic saga with Ethan. That is, until she sees him making out with Annie and finds another reason to be a victim.
Come back on Thursday for the complete weecap. Until then, see how the new cast stacks up against the old cast.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Harry's lovechild drove a wedge in his relationship with Debbie. Naomi sassy-flirted with a boy in detention. Matthews tried to be the number one narc at West Bev, only to discover he'd been outfoxed by sexy undercover cop Kimberly. Navid paid for AAdrianna's rehab in hopes of winning her heart. Naomi gave Annie an ultimatum: Me or Ethan. Shockingly, Annie chose to tongue tango with Ethan but hasn't gotten around to telling Naomi yet.
This week, Judah-Sachs decides to get right to some actual drama. Who woulda thunk? We open on Casa Wilson. Harry drops a succession of bombs, which I'll paraphrase: "I dated Crazy Eyes." Boom! "She got pregnant." Blam! "I handed her a wad of crusty bills and told her to 'take care of it.'" Kablooey! "She didn't, and now you have a bastard half-brother who will undoubtedly eventually show up to further divide your share of the family fortune." Bleep bloop.
Dixon reacts in his usual thoughtful manner. His main concern is that Harry now has a (biological) son, but Harry assures him that Dixon always will be his first son (though not chronologically, I guess). Annie responds in a typically brat-tastical manner. She feels left out on the two-month-old gossip that will soon be exposed to the whole world -- or at least to Naomi, who, come to think of it, loves to blab her "Woe is me!" tales to anyone in ear shot... so, fair enough, the whole world. Harry keeps his Danny Tanner cool and tries to draw out his kids' feelings. They excuse themselves to go to school. Debbie and Harry pick shrapnel out of their arms and agree it could have been worse. Yeah, like if Annie had suddenly imploded -- actually, that would have been better.
Dixon and Annie pull up to West Bev in the crap wagon. Annie throws a dig at Harry for rehearsing his "I knocked up Crazy Eyes" monologue. While Dixon gives him the benefit of the doubt, Annie is all over blaming him for stifling her social life and calling him a hypocrite for being sexually active at a young age. What she should realize is that he might, in fact, regret those decisions and be looking out for his daughter, but whatevs. She's in drama mode, and no one can stop her. Dixon asks what is really bugging her. She, in turn, wonders why he's so calm. He admits that it's weird but, in not so many words, says that he's giving it time to digest.
Later, Annie talks to Ethan, who is similarly weirded out by the news. Annie notes the one more layer of complication that this information adds to her relationship with Naomi. That, plus the fact that she's getting regularly groped by Naomi's ex. Ethan tries to play it cool, but Annie says they've hit a fork in the road. The dreaded fork also known as "Calculus," in which "U + Me = Us." Ethan somehow manages to convince Annie that they should keep the relationship quiet and give Naomi time to shift her rabid attention-seeking over to some other boy. And the best part, in his estimation, is that they can be making out in shadowy locations the whole time! I suspect this is the exact speech that Ethan once gave to Hummer Girl. Either way, Annie goes for it. Ethan suggests being "you and me" after school. She agrees.
He leaves as Silver approaches. She warns Annie not to be the rebound girl, then brings up Harry's bastard child. She thinks a PG-13 slumber party will be the perfect remedy. Annie jumps at any excuse to avoid her family -- and also the chance to form a massage chain, giggle over the racy parts of Judy Blume novels, and play Girl Talk!
Out in the quad, everyone stares down AAdrianna post-rehab. Navid comes up and jokes they're just checking out her kicky fedora. Then he takes it one step too far and compares her to Pete Doherty. Cue furious back-pedaling in which he tries to convince her that he didn't actually mean that she looks like she has methface with a side of syphilis. To distract her from that conversational bridge to nowhere, Navid pulls out a bag of jellybeans. He thought some sugar high might help her get through the day. And there he goes again, saying "high" in front of a recovering addict. He fumbles some more until she calms him down and says that she likes jellybeans. Her favorite flavor is Buttered Popcorn. Navid thinks it's a disgusting flavor, but AAdrianna claims it's buttery and delicious. Navid says that he was about to call her buttery and delicious, but thought better of it -- except he still said it. D'oh! She seems amused by his awkwardness, rewarding him with a jellybean. She heads off to class while Navid beats himself up for calling her "buttery and delicious."
Back inside, Harry tries to talk to Annie. She ignores him entirely. , he runs into Naomi, who walks past him like the rent's due tomorrow, babbling about geometry. She takes time from cramming to commiserate with Annie about their parents' humping. Way to kick-start a conversation, Naomi! Naomi notes that Annie is bummed and says that when she's bummed, she turns to Jimmy Choo. "Chinese food?" asks Annie. Naomi gives her a dismissive nod and explains that Jimmy Choo makes shoes. Seriously, though, are we meant to believe that this girl has heard of Vampire Weekend but doesn't know Jimmy Choo? Shenanigans! Naomi asks what Annie is doing after school, and Annie bumbles about for like 25 minutes about how she has no plans in a pathetic attempt not to reveal the date she made with Ethan.
Quick cut to Ethan, who is less than pleased that his "you and me" date just became his "me and my hand" date. Annie says she might not be cut out for this DL thing. He says she needs to approach it like an actress. To help, he'll rehearse with her. He, of course, will play Naomi. He has totally been practicing this shit in the mirror for, like, five years. Every time he and Naomi would break up for the million-and-thirteenth time, he probably whipped out the pentapus and went to town. Anyhow, the whole "scene" is just an elaborate excuse for Ethan to name-check David Spade (are we back in the original with that stale reference?), then make out with Annie. Credits.
In the hallway, Silver tells Annie she invited AAdrianna to the slumber party. Naomi walks up, so Silver invites her, too. Per her contract with the Queen Bee Union, Naomi makes fun of the others to establish that she is way cooler than this, but eventually accepts. She snarks she should get to know her new "family" better and wraps her spindly arm around her new "sis" as she suggests they play Truth or Dare. Annie is super-uncomfortable.
Later, Silver sits outside with a silent Dixon. Dixon philosophizes about how Annie's laugh sounds like Debbie's and maybe his new brother's laugh sounds like Harry's. In short, he feels left out. But he bucks up, saying he doesn't need Harry's laugh because he has his own and lets out a douchey-but-cute little chuckle. Silver takes this chance to ask about his parents. He says he lived in Brooklyn with his grandmother but had little contact with his crazy mother and addict father. Eventually, social services took him away and tossed him over to Kansas. I seem to remember another black man raised by his grandmother that's been in the news lately. Dixon/Silver 2012!
Silver asks if Dixon would ever want to see his mother again. He says no, and she relates. Dixon puts things into perspective: He ended up with a good life and a "super-hot girlfriend." At this, he gives her the once-over and goes "Uh huhhhh." Silver smiles at her charming (and not sleazy) boyfriend, then gets sentimental, saying the Wilsons realized they had to have Dixon. He faux-smugly pops his collar and asks when she is going to realize that she has to have him. She laughs, and they share a playful smooch.
Inside, Kimberly sashays into Matthews' classroom for some alone time. He says it's getting harder to see her every day. She says thinking about him is distracting her from her narc duties. They lean in, the school bell rings, and they must separate as students enter the classroom. Kim sits down and George, the overly blonde, Stifler-esque meathead, tells Kimberly he's working on "party favors" for her. Couldn't they come up with a better code word? Commercials.
AAdrianna tries to skip out on the slumber party because there might be drinking. Naomi assures her the party will be more about "ice cream and cookie dough and face masks" than Jaeger bombs. Just then, Navid trots up to them with an entire bag of Buttered Popcorn jelly beans, which he personally sorted. Try too hard much? He trots away before he can embarrass himself further by comparing her to Amy Winehouse or call her "moist and fluffy" or something. I think he's finally learned that it's best to keep these interactions short and sweet.
AAdrianna is at once pleased and overwhelmed by the gesture. As you'd expect, Naomi looks on in disdain. I don't think people with post-electroshock therapy hair are in any position to judge. I mean, it's the Eagleton of hairdos. Naomi points out that this gift took hours of Navid's day, which obviously means he wants to bump uglies with AAdrianna. She adds that Navid paid for AAdrianna's rehab and probably wants something from her.
She continues chattering when Ozzy, her Latino detention heartthrob, appears and asks her "¿Que pasa?" She tells him she has a pizza date later. He asks her to reschedule it, but she smirks that it would have to be "really important" for her to break her date with Mama Celeste. He and his friends give her a "Damn, girl!" look because, for some reason, they buy into this shit. AAdrianna says Naomi is making Ozzy jump through hoops. Naomi smugs she won't be done until "he's sorting the Mikes from the Ikes and the Goods from the Plentys." Oh, Jesus. I think that was probably the cleverest line of the whole show so far. That is sad.
Annie packs her sleepover duds at Casa Wilson when Harry comes in to inquire about some activity on her emergency credit card. Apparently Jimmy Choo boots are quite expensive, but how would a Kansas girl know that? He also doesn't want her to go to Silver's slumber party if there are no adults there. She goes from zero to Bitch Face in no time flat and tells him that he was making babies at her age. Friends, let us mark this historic occasion: After nine grueling episodes, Annie finally scored a point. Harry's all, "Oh no you did not!" and walks out. Then Annie puts on her calf-high black boots over knee-high maroon socks and pairs them with walking shorts. Point revoked. History will just have to wait.
After dusk, we get a creepy rearview mirror shot of Navid waiting for AAdrianna to get out of her post-rehab meeting. She sees him and asks if he's actually stalking her. He asks her to give him a shot since he sorted gourmet jelly beans for her, then makes the unfortunate choice of saying that she owes him. AAdrianna harkens back to Naomi's misguided advice and concedes that she does owe him a little somethin' somethin'.
Back at Casa Wilson, Harry can't see the forest for the trees as he learns Annie snuck out. Debbie points out that she's safe at Silver's and is lashing out after learning his secret. She tells Harry to wait it out and trust Annie. Famous last words, Debbie. Over at Silver's Annie is in the midst of a rowdy ménage à quatre with Jose Cuervo, Naomi, and Silver. I, for one, am disappointed. I signed up for ice cream, cookie dough, and facemasks! Commercials.
Back at the ménage, enabler Naomi keeps pouring shots, and Annie is all too happy to wash her pain down with a sea of tequila. AAdrianna arrives as Naomi suggests they play a game. Annie shouts, "Twister!" Lacking guys against whom to thrust her pelvis, Naomi opts instead for "I Never." The game is simple -- tell everyone something you have never done, and those who have done it must take a shot. Right now, Annie needs another shot like a hole in the head.
First up, Silver admits she's never had sex. Tequila for Naomi, water for AAdrianna. Naomi asks how Silver never naked-hugged Dixon, and Annie whines that thought makes her nauseous. I suspect about 47% of that nausea stems from tequila rather than the thought of Dixon humping, though. Silver is surprisingly romantic when she says she's waiting for the right time. AAdrianna, with heavy hints of foreshadowing in her voice, dismisses the romance in sex. She goes . Tellingly, she's never been in love. Everyone else drinks. Annie is saddened by this news, but AAdrianna tells her not to get sappy about it. Annie goes , and -- surprise! -- she's never been drunk!
Silver brings out the pizza as the girls paint their nails. Annie picks that moment to divulge a little tidbit about her past that speaks volumes as to why Annie is such a prick: When her parents first adopted Dixon, she fantasized about putting him in a cardboard box and shipping him away because she thought they would love him more than her. Never one to miss an opportunity for one-upmanship, Naomi reiterates all the same old shit about her dysfunctional, hateful family. She says she feels alone, but AAdrianna tells her she's got the three of them. For what that's worth...
Annie disrupts the deep moment with her own philosophical gem -- her shirt totally matches Naomi's nail polish! OMG, you guys! Naomi goes all Gossip Girl and suggests they trade shirts. Mid-Girls Gone Wild moment, Dixon and Ethan walk in and get an eyeful. Annie drunkenly canters up and hugs all up on Dixon and Ethan, only to have Ethan bounce her away like a ping-pong ball. Ha! As they walk in, we see about 50 more high schoolers who have decided to crash the slumber party. Among them are Kimberly, Ozzy, and Aryan George. Naomi spots Ozzy and bitches that she has to care how she looks now as she scampers off to, I don't know, stick her finger in an electrical socket. George finds Kim and hands her a beer. She asks for something stronger, so he heads over to AAdrianna to "celebrate" her leaving rehab with a beer. Classy.
With her hair jacked up to heaven, Naomi finds Ozzy in the kitchen. He is cooking -- because that's what Mexicans do at house parties in Beverly Hills? -- and invites her to join him. She responds with a laugh she deems flirty and I deem Hillary Clinton-esque. Ozzy introduces her to his friend Julio. Annie teeters in, and Naomi takes her aside to ask her to be her wing girl while Naomi sidles up to Ozzy. Annie is wasted enough to agree before she actually processes all the words that Naomi just threw at her.
Elsewhere, Kim asks AAdrianna to hook her up with her dealer. AAdrianna says she doesn't do drugs anymore, but eventually obliges. She heads off and runs into Navid, who asks her if she wants to go somewhere more private. She accepts his invitation to go up and pay some bills, bills, bills.
Outside, Naomi compliments Ozzy's amazing grilled cheese, which he learned to make from his father. She says he's not like anybody at school, and he points out that he is, just not the people she knows. She smirks back that he's trying to throw her off her game, and he zeroes in on Naomi's M.O.: She likes to play games. He does not. Just as Naomi is about to invite him to play Doctor with her, Julio comes out. He and Ozzy bounce.
Left with some serious blue balls (or whatever is the girl equivalent), Naomi stomps back into the house to find the wing girl who left her high and dry. Said wing girl happens to be upstairs, dragging Ethan into a bedroom. Fortunately, she leaves the door open just long enough for Silver to spot them. Annie and Ethan make it all the way to the bed before Naomi approaches and puts her hand on the knob. As if we don't all know where this is going, the editors cut to commercials. We return, and before Naomi's can turn the knob, Silver interrupts her to "catch up on old times." So. Transparent.
In another darkened room, Navid and AAdrianna watch a sea turtle documentary. He gets up the nerve to scoot over and put his arm around her. She takes this as a cue to shell out the goods and "repay" him for her trip to rehab. Once some attempts are made to inspire him to initiate (including kissing his hand?), AAdrianna finally goes in for the kill.
Back in the other bedroom, Annie passes out on Ethan. He goes for water.
Over in the sober make-out room, Navid and AAdrianna get hot and heavy. She's pulled out a condom and taken her shirt off before he can put the brakes on the escalating action. He wonders why they're rushing this, and she reveals she thinks he expects sex since he paid for her rehab. Navid, the only living naïf in Beverly Hills, is appalled at this blight on his character. He storms off, leaving AAdrianna braless, ashamed, and -- worst of all -- sober.
Outside, Annie smartly avoids dying in her sleep from alcohol poisoning by staggering down the hall. She quits after a while, though, and Naomi finds her crumbled on the floor. Naomi updates Annie on the Ozzy situation. She says she is going to try honesty for a change, especially in light of her lying parents. Annie sees Ethan spot the two of them talking and skitters off, and she starts to think of her own dishonesty. She says she feels terrible but before she can say why, Naomi starts jawing about Harry. Annie admits her image of him as Superman has been crushed. They wrap up their powwow, and Naomi heads off to fix her makeup and get in her last night of game-playing with the remaining boys at the party.
Meanwhile, Aryan George struts up to Kim and tries to be all sexy. She ain't havin' none of it.
Outside, Annie stomps up to Ethan to talk. He suggests they wait until she's sober. She gets belligerent and launches into an "I'm not drunk" oration, which she then must interrupt to puke, so it's not the most convincing argument.
Also outside, Kimberly has found Matthews on a secluded street. She tells him she called a colleague about the party, and they kiss while Matthews gets off on the idea of having a crime-fighting girlfriend. As he escorts her into his car, Aryan George walks by and gets a creepy smile on his face as he spots the opportunity to dick over the girl who just rejected him. Commercials.
Back inside, Harry walks in to shut down the party. Turns out he was the colleague Kim called. She also told him Annie had bubbles floating from her head. Silver assures him that they took everyone's keys and called cabs. Harry pushes past and finds Annie lying on the floor. He's surprisingly calm about it and asks if she's okay. She sobs about all the dishonesty she's up against. A lot of it also speaks to her guilt over lying to Naomi. Worst of all, though, she hurled all over her new Jimmy Choos. Harry apologizes and carries her home in his arms, just like Superman. It's a surprisingly tender, well done moment.
The day at school, Aryan George tries to blackmail Matthews to let him back on the lacrosse. Cut to Harry's office, where Matthews is defending himself against statutory rape accusations. Harry states that it's verboten for teachers to fraternize with students. Matthews points out that Kim's not a student. Unfortunately, nobody else knows that and revealing it would blow their operation. Harry suggests Matthews take a paid leave of absence. Matthews is reluctant to take this hit for the team, but Harry rightly tells him to take responsibility for his actions. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Matthews.
Out in the quad, AAdrianna apologizes to Navid for making assumptions and explains that her many visits to the casting couch have hardened her. (To be fair, Navid's father is a porn producer.) He tells her nice guys do exist, even if they haven't been offering her crack rocks in the back seats of old Pontiacs. She says she wants to be with him. She's enjoyed spending time with him... and he's "kind of an amazing kisser." They both blush -- and my heart flutters as I take another sip of the Kool-Aid. She offers him the chance to walk away now. He grabs his bag and starts heading off. Her face drops... until he whispers in her ear, "How about we walk together?" He takes her hand. She says how sappy that moment was, and he jokes that it's one of the side effects of being a nice guy. I think one of the side effects of watching this show is that I am devolving into a 13-year-old girl.
Inside, Annie and Ethan are rehashing the night before and having "the talk." She wants to stop lying and accept the consequences. He agrees very easily, and they make out. There sure are a lot of empty classrooms in this school.
Meanwhile, Naomi and her crimson lips approach Ozzy. She says she doesn't want to play games, but he just walks off and accuses her of playing the "I don't want to play games" game. And why wouldn't she? You get way better prizes in that one. She protests that she really does want to be straightforward, so he gives her his number and tells her to call him without waiting a preordained amount of time. He walks off, and Naomi happily whips out her phone and dials his number. She smiles at it rings... until she spots Annie and Ethan kissing -- just as Ozzy picks up. Stunned, she hangs up and angrily stares at her friends kissing and at her own reflection.
week: Hell hath no fury like Naomi scorned. Her flat-ironed alter ego comes to town to wreak havoc. Also in town? Annie's Kansan ex-boyfriend, who stirs the pot a little by kissing Annie and making out with Naomi. The throw down is ON.