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It's that time again -- time for West Bev's Homecoming Dance! And boy does a lot go down! Jackée even travels all the way from the '80s to make an appearance. That is, when the show's music supervisors aren't reading way too far into Ne-Yo's "Closer."
Annie & Ethan, conspire to meet up for their non-date dance date. They assume that Naomi will roll with it since she and Ethan are finished. What they don't realize, however, is that Naomi is utterly self-absorbed and a semi-professional victim who will grasp wildly at a burgeoning friendship with Annie. This friendship conveniently gives her reason to ask Annie not to date Ethan. (Never mind that Naomi is making the most of her post-drug-bust relegation to detention by finding a Crazy/Beautiful-style Latino boyfriend.) Annie submits to Naomi's pleas but then makes out with Ethan anyway.
Someone who really should not be at the school dance is AAdrianna, who is fresh off the gurney and busy completing Steps 3 & 4 of her 12-step evolution into Lohan. Step 3: Rehab. Step 4: Lesbian fixation -- on Naomi, a rather ill-suited butch if you ask me. AAdrianna sends Naomi scads of apologetic text messages, which are summarily deleted. Navid shows up at AAdrianna's rehab center, and she takes advantage of his sudden devotion to send Naomi a personal message. That fails, so AAdrianna abandons rehab to unsuccessfully stalk down her lez-be-friend. She is one foot off the wagon when Navid in Shining Armor halts the drug deal and admits that he like-likes her and paid for her rehab.
Navid can't be around to foil all the drug deals, though, so Matthews takes it upon him to squelch one between fake student-slash-narc Kimberly and some truant. Matthews marches Kim to Harry for her reckoning, so she is forced to break it to him that he's not the only sheriff in town. He happily finds the statutory silver lining and pulls her in for some smooching when he realizes she's legal.
As for the rest of the Wilsons, Dixon pretends he's not into schmaltzy high school stuff and foregoes the dance to nurse Silver after she gets her wisdom teeth taken out. As Silver comes down from her pain meds high, she comes to her sense just in time to accompany Dixon to the dance. Less harmonious are Harry and Debbie, who are still roiling with tension over Crazy Eyes and the bastard child. Debbie finally proves she's one bad-ass M.F. by threatening to punch a bitch if she doesn't stop using a 20-year-old mistake to shoehorn her way into Harry's life.
Come back on Thursday for the full weecap of this episode. Until then, compare the old cast with the new cast.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: West Bev's new student, Kimberly, turned out to be a narc in teen's clothing. Annie and Ethan edged toward coupledom. Crazy Eyes Mama Clark grasped at her one remaining tie to Harry -- a 20-year-old son that Harry just found out about, like, five minutes ago -- in hopes of destroying his marriage. And AAdrianna's taste for the hard stuff landed her in a seizure on a crack den floor while Naomi took the wrap.
The music supervisor does his very best to kick off the episode with the most pointed possible musical reference as The Pussycat Dolls' "When I Grow Up" pumps over shots of a student posting up pictures of sophomore Homecoming Court nominees (including Ethan, Naomi, and AAdrianna). The music continues as we cut to the grown-ups (hey!). Harry and Debbie discuss his days in Homecoming Court with Crazy Eyes. Debbie notes that Harry actually aged, whereas Crazy Eyes looks exactly the same -- thanks to plenty of Botox Cosmetic and bird poop facials, I'm sure. Debbie reminds Harry that she has good reason to hate on Crazy Eyes since that home-wreckin' harlot crept up on her mans, but she promises to confine her smart remarks to the breakfast table.
Annie and Dixon enter. He quizzes her for her driving permit test. Harry gives her great incentive to pass by offering her the chance to valet Debbie and him to the Homecoming dance tomorrow. Dixon is understandably disheartened that his parents will be stirring the punch bowl at his first big West Bev rite of passage. Nonetheless, he's excited to take Silver for a fancy night of dinner and dancing. Annie, on the other hand, is dateless. Gee, I wonder why?
Filler shots, including a pan over the 405 that looks not unlike footage of O.J. Simpson's 1994 Bronco chase. Way to conjure youthful vigor and opulence, editors! At school, Silver reassures Annie that Ethan will ask her to the dance -- especially in light of their almost-kiss and his break-up with Naomi (this one's gotta take, right?). They spot the aforementioned Homecoming Court pictures and have a weird exchange about asking Ethan's picture out while Naomi's picture looks on. I swear, they're thisclose to making out with pillows.
Annie takes off, and Dixon cuddles up to Silver. He asks her to the dance, and she gives him an emphatic "No!" She says it represents everything wrong with high school. Poor Dixon! He mentally packs up his crisp, new suit and says he thought girls like dances. Silver reminds him she's not like most girls. Though, actually she is like a lot of teen girls -- angsty, alienated, affected, ass-y. He suggests they go anyway and make fun of people, but she tells him she's getting her wisdom teeth removed. She invites him over to make fun of her chipmunk teeth and take care of her. They seal the deal with a kiss.
Elsewhere, Matthews spots Kimberly with a crew of burnouts. He questions her choice of friends, and she smirks that he's jealous because he wants to be her friend. She asks him if he's going to Homecoming, and he is chaperoning. She coquettishly asking if going to wear something sexy. He tells her to ix-nay the "Do me" gazes and the flirty banter because she's crossing the line. He leaves -- probably heading to the teacher's lounge bathroom, if you know what I'm saying.
Down the hall, Ethan spots Annie at her locker. She tells him she's brushing up for her permit test. He offers to give her lessons since he's an "excellent driver." Yeah, so was Rain Man. They flirt until that line of conversation dries up, so he tells her he would like to ask her to the dance. You can hear the faint shrieking deep inside as Annie accepts. And then Ethan adds that he's not actually asking her. He thinks it's too soon after the break-up but suggests that they meet up there and share a dance. They coyly plan to oh-so-coincidentally bump into each other but agree that it's definitely not a date. Oh, Jesus, grow a pair and make out already! This would be so much hotter if he were pressing her against a fence while Rickie Vasquez busts a move with Delia Fisher to Haddaway. Though I think Naomi becomes Brian Krakow in that scenario. Well, they have the same hair at least.
Speaking of the perma donna, she and Crazy Eyes are in Harry's office with Matthews. Harry tells them that AAdrianna's mother called, and Naomi interrupts to make it all about her as usual. Harry tells them AAdrianna OD'd. Credits.
Back in Harry's office, a shocked Naomi gets the scoop on AAdrianna's plunge down the rabbit hole. Needless to say, she'll be going to rehab. She did Naomi a solid, though, and confessed that Naomi flushed her drugs. Naomi dodges real jail time and is instead relegated to afternoon detention for the rest of the semester because she lied and tampered with evidence.
DinaLite drops AAdrianna off at Currents, the Bev Niner's equivalent of Promises. Baby's first rehab! AAdrianna is scared to go in and wonders how they can afford it, but DinaLite says not to worry and practically pushes her through the door. She's probably got a nail appointment in 15 minutes.
Back at school, Annie finds Naomi taking pictures down of AAdrianna. She whines that she no longer has a boyfriend, best friend, or stable parents. Wah-waaaaah. Annie offers to help out however she can. Naomi acknowledges that Annie has always been friendly, even though Naomi didn't always deserve it. Naomi extends an olive branch and invites Annie to her house for pre-dance primping. Annie hesitantly acknowledges that she isn't (technically) going with anyone else. She forces a big smile and accepts Naomi's invitation.
Cut to Annie and Ethan in the parking lot, figuring out how to pull this wrench out of the works. Ethan says it's weird that they're becoming friends, but Annie promises to dance with him still. He says they most definitely will since dancing is his "thing" -- that and getting his wiener sucked in high school parking lots. They chat some more until Debbie pulls up in the crap wagon.
Naomi struts into detention and announces herself like she's in front of the velvet rope at Les Deux. The apathetic detention warden tells her to sign in. She makes a big scene of sighing loudly as she sits down, prompting a perturbed head tilt from the warden. A guy to Naomi strikes up a flirty-sassy conversation, in which he manages to call her a teacher-fucker and a prostitute in the space of two sentences. Nice! Somehow he segues into asking who's taking her to the dance, all the while slipping it in that she's one-dimensional and predictable. He also introduces himself as Ozzy. Naomi shoots back that, now that she knows who he is, it's going to be that much worse for him when she never speaks to him again. The warden shushes them, and Ozzy mumbles something in Spanish. Naomi retorts fluent Spanish, so he asks if she had a Mexican nanny. She corrects him -- Honduran. Warden's all, "WTF, guy? STFU!" And thus taboo love blooms.
Inside the crap wagon, Debbie preps Annie for her permit test. She distracts her by asking about Ethan. Annie gets back to cars, asking what kind of she will get for her birthday. Debbie tells her to get a job. That scene was totally worthless. And had a dire lack of CK1 spritzing and acid-washed shortalls with space-dyed crop tops under them. Also, since this episode's music supervisors are bound and determined to hit us over the head with overtly significant song choices (more on that later), I would have liked to hear some Billy Ocean "Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car." Wrong decade, I know, but so good.
Back at Currents, Navid visits AAdrianna. He says he's doing a story on life inside rehab for West Bev's paper. He barely gets a word out before she grabs his phone and starts texting Naomi. Once she finishes her "Lez be friends (again)" plea, she not-so-nicely tells him to shove off. He gives her his number and tells her that she can call him if she ever wants to talk. Elsewhere, Naomi gets the text: "SO WILL U COME SEE ME? I MISS U. I NEED U. A" She files it under "Messages from Bitches That Screwed Me Over" and "Psycho Bitches I'll Never Talk To Again." Commercials.
Back at rehab, AAdrianna refuses to confide in her counselor, saying she'd rather talk to Naomi. Tears flow down her face as she says she can't live with herself for betraying someone who tried to help her. The counselor tells her to focus on getting better, but AAdrianna says rehab is the last place she wants to be.
Over at Kelly's house, Dixon escorts a doped-up Silver onto the couch. Dixon, God bless him, plays along with her singing and loopy chatter. She slurs that she's glad they both hate Homecoming because passing out on her sister's couch is so much better. Dixon wistfully thinks about sipping spiked punch and swaying stiffly to Top 40 ballads.
Debbie and Annie return with happy faces and a new driver's permit. She taunts Harry about taking her road test in two weeks and cruising Sunset. He reminds her that Sunset was the site of his first accident. Annie says she knows better, and Debbie chimes in that women are better drivers. Annie smugly gives Harry her driving manual, telling him can he learn a few things. He tells her to get ready for the dance.
Back at Currents, Navid has become AAdrianna's beck-and-call boy. She tells him about a big-deal country artist (Mindy McCready?) who snores like a chainsaw. He says he dropped the story but wanted to check up on her and bring her some "supplies." She jokes that they're probably not the kind of supplies she really wants. Indeed, they're not. He brought sketch paper, colored pencils, DVDs, and a bath and body gift bag. He admits he has no idea what toner is but says his mom suggested it. I wonder if that's how her porn star producer husband wooed her. Wouldn't that be delightfully old fashioned? A porn romance that didn't involve a stained, worn-down couch? Siiiiiigh. In summary, Navid is entirely too earnest for his own good, so AAdrianna the user repays him by asking for another favor. She wants him to bring Naomi to rehab so AAdrianna can apologize.
Over at Clark Compound, Annie has sadly chosen not to follow in Brenda Walsh's footsteps and don an En Vogue spangly dress from "Never Gonna Get It". Naomi has the Funky Divas hair angle covered for both of the, though - not to mention a bit of a Blanche Devereaux coiffure going on. Naomi applies Annie's makeup and recalls the psychological warfare her older sister used to practice on her, while Annie unintentionally brags about her wholesome nuclear family. Naomi shows Annie the finished product, and one of the other Plastics tells her that she is "gonna get some action to-night!" If only you knew.
A moment later, the same girl says it's too bad AAdrianna's not there. Naomi carries on with her replacement therapy by shoving some Manolos toward Annie. Annie asks if it's weird that Naomi and Ethan aren't going to the dance together. Naomi acts breezy and insists she just wants Ethan to be happy. Crazy Eyes interrupts to usher Navid in to give Naomi the message from AAdrianna.
Back at Kelly's house, Silver wakes up in agony. I guess the drugs wore off.
At Casa Wilson, Harry consults Debbie on his outfit for the dance. She opts for the green one since it goes with hers. She snarks that maybe then Crazy Eyes won't be confused about who Harry is going home with. Harry assures her he won't be confused. Tabitha strolls in, cocktail in hand, and suggests Debbie take Crazy Eyes for a little chat. Debbie says she's got it covered. Tabby thinks Debbie is entirely too Kansas-friendly and not enough Beverly Hills-bitchy. Then she gives Debbie an awesome locker room pep talk, declaring that Debbie outshines Crazy Eyes in class, brains, and beauty. Debbie smiles at the rare friendly behavior from Tabitha... until Our Lady of Long Island Iced Tea remarks that she won't remember any of this come tomorrow morning.
The dance is finally upon us, and the musical performer totally looks like Jackée from 227. Maaaaary! Annie and Naomi arrive and fill out their Homecoming King and Queen ballots, and Naomi snarls how ironic it is that her name is to Ethan's. She is totally as cool as a cucumber and over it, Pshaw. Annie starts reminiscing about quaint Kansan dances, but her dorkstravaganza is cut short when Ozzy from detention bumps into Naomi. They have a conversation that roughly translates to "I hate you, let's meet up and make out later." He walks off, and Naomi offers to go get drinks.
Navid dutifully returns to Currents, concocting some story about why Naomi isn't coming. AAdrianna sees right through him. He offers himself as a shoulder to lean on, but AAdrianna vows to take care of it herself.
Annie calls to check in on Silver. She says Dixon must be really into Silver to sacrifice his love for cheesy high school rituals. They hang up and Silver stares at Dixon, who has fallen asleep on her couch.
Back at the dance, Ethan approaches Annie, and they launch into their totally impromptu "OMG, you're here!" patter as Ne-Yo's "Closer" begins to bump in the background. And as fast as you can say the title of said song, the two edge a little... um... closer and commence their pre-planned dry humping session on the dance floor. Lest we forget about newly nice Naomi, the shot cuts to her, two cups of punch in hand, frozen after seeing her ex-BF and new BFF. Commercials.
We return as "Closer" throbs and One Girl, Two Cups is all dressed up with nowhere to go. So of course Ozzy shows up. He grabs the cups and ushers her out to the dance floor. She warns him not to touch her ass but is soon enough backing it up on him of her own accord when she sees Ethan and Annie inching -- you guessed it! -- closer. It's like Lambada and Girls Just Want to Have Fun all rolled into one as the two couples have a veritable dance-off on the floor. Except they're both slow dancing. To an up-tempo hip-hop song. It's weird. Poor Ozzy actually thinks he's getting somewhere until Naomi walks off after spying Ethan yearningly caressing Annie's shoulder.
The song ends and Naomi cuts in to take Annie aside. No sooner, though, AAdrianna shows up. She claims she got a night pass from rehab, but Naomi calls bullshit. AAdrianna cuts to the chase and asks her for some one-on-one time so she can apologize. Naomi says they'll never be friends as long as AAdrianna keeps self-medicating and self-destructing.
Outside, Kimberly and a shadowy figure meet up for a drug deal. The dealer runs off when Matthews shows up. He tells Kim off, but she keeps up her sassy bad girl act, so he drags her off.
In the hallway, Crazy Eyes blah-dee-blahs about the private investigator she's hired to find her and Harry's lovechild. Debbie is unhappy to spot her nemesis on the premises. Crazy Eyes gleams her capped teeth in a super-fake smile and tells Harry they'll finish their conversation later (wink, wink). Debbie demands that she and Harry tell the kids about his bastard son so they don't find out from someone else. Harry reluctantly acquiesces.
Matthews busts in on their conversation with Kimberly in his grip. Harry doesn't want to blow Kim's cover, so he basically tells Matthews to get lost and that he'll handle it. Matthews thinks Harry's being too nonchalant about the escalating drug problem at West Bev, so he goes into one of his self-righteous "This Isn't China, It's Beverly Hills!" rants. Oh, get off the cross, Matthews, we need the wood! He even threatens to go to the School Board. Kim finally stops the madness by telling Matthews she's a cop. Commercials.
Jackée sings some more mid-tempo R&B jams back inside the dance, while Annie finds broody Naomi outside. She asks if there's any way that Naomi can be friends with AAdrianna. Naomi says she's tired of the drama -- which is why she likes Annie. Annie admits she knows she's boring, but Naomi labels her stable instead. She tells Annie she'd love to be friends, under one condition -- Annie can't be with Ethan. She says seeing them on the dance floor was hard and adds that, if friends are supposed to share everything, she couldn't bear hearing all the gory details of their blossoming relationship. She tells Annie that boyfriends come and go but friends stick together. Coming from someone who just dropped one of her best friends like a hot potato, that is weak. To her credit, Annie calls Naomi on that little loophole in her argument. She wonders how Naomi will feel if she really did lose AAdrianna.
Over at Kelly's house, Silver rouses Dixon from his slumber. She's all gussied up in a satin dress that is the spitting image of Michael Jackson's jacket in "The Way You Make Me Feel," and she's ready to premiere her chipmunk cheeks to high society. She tells him not to be afraid to be honest with her, and they kiss. As you might suspect, this leaves Silver wincing.
Back at the dance, Debbie tracks down Crazy Eyes. Debbie warns her that they "will have a very big problem" if Crazy Eyes ever tries to kiss, touch, or otherwise engage Harry again. Crazy Eyes blows her off, so Debbie clarifies -- with a bright smile on her face -- that she will straight-up punch a bitch. And like it. Turns out Tabitha was wrong. Kansan women do have cojones.
Out in the parking lot, AAdrianna locates her old dealer. Before she can score, though, Navid intervenes. Unfortunately, his gallant gesture results in him getting clocked in the eye, but it distracts AAdrianna long enough for her dealer to leave.
He asks AAdrianna why she's doing this, and she fires back why is he doing this? He asks if she's blind. She's always bitching about having no friends when here he is. He likes her... and has liked her since they were in middle school. Apparently AAdrianna can only handle negative attention because she begs him to stop. He says that, even though she forgot about him when she became a famous child sitcom star, he never forgot her. (I did not make any of this up, btw.)
He says he remembers how she used to be. She is full-on crying now, so he pulls her in for a tight embrace. She breaks the tension by laughing about the time he acted out a scene of The Princess Diaries for her. He says he would do anything for her. Realization sweeps across her face. She asks if he paid for her to go to rehab. He admits he did. He wants her to get back to who she used to be. At this point, Naomi comes up, and AAdrianna collapses into her arms, bawling and apologizing. Naomi promises not to let her down.
And now it's time for that time-honored CW (née WB) tradition of the meaningfully scored closing montage in which everyone's lives reach a critical turning point. Ethan finds Annie and she tells him about Naomi's ultimatum. She says she doesn't want to hurt Naomi because she genuinely likes her. Ethan asks if she likes him. She confesses she does, so Ethan goes in for the kiss, and she complies. On the dance floor, Silver and Dixon share their own kiss. Out in the parking lot Matthews talks to Kimberly about being a narc. He asks how old she is. Once she says she's 25, and the coast is clear, Matthews leans in for a kiss. Navid and Naomi take AAdrianna back to rehab. And we close on Ethan and Annie, still kissing. I sincerely hope this is just the beginning of an exciting series of episodes, but I suspect this is about as good as it gets.
But we'll find out week when Silver hosts a bangin' house party. Annie's guilt grows for lying to Naomi, but she continues to make out with Ethan anyway. AAdrianna thanks Navid for paying for rehab by becoming his personal concubine. Naomi has some QT with Ozzy. Matthews enters into ostensible statutory rape with part-time teen Kimberly, so Harry asks him to take a paid leave of absence.
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