Okay, I realize there's this show on tonight where old guys blather about stocks and surpluses and such, but that's a fundamental difference between them and me. I'll tell you about the really important issues: Adrianna and Annie were invited to audition for a slasher flick; Kelly left town to see her sperminator, giving Silver full reign over her home; Naomi and Ethan finally called it quits, and AAdrianna (the artist formerly known as Adrianna) began her descent down the rabbit hole.
We join Matthews' class in session, or rather Harry does, to introduce new student Kimberly McIntyre. Matthews gives her the once-over -- no doubt assessing his odds of statutory rape prosecution. Annie takes it upon herself to be the one-girl welcome wagon, quipping that she was the new girl, too. New Girl brings out the sass all "Whupaw!" and snarks that Annie wasn't very good at being the new girl since she "got the job." Something tells me this one will be an excellent frenemy to Naomi.
Perhaps inspired by Never Been Kissed, Matthews asks New Girl to tell the class about herself. New Girl retorts that he can take whatever Annie said when she came and "make it better." Sadly, unlike Never Been Kissed, Matthews doesn't punish New Girl by making her don a magnificent sombrero. I take my wager that she will be frenemies with Naomi and raise the stakes she has seen a world of hurt. Maybe she and Silver can share stories about women's shelters while they apply face masks and braid each other's hair.
New Girl abandons her blasé demeanor and plays along, announcing that she's from Vegas, wears a Size 8 shoe, and has three piercings -- but won't say where. And, oh yeah, she likes tacos. Matthews uses his own passion for stuffed tortillas to attempt to resume class, but New Girl asks if he has any piercings. Cue uncomfortable change of topic. Oh, that Kim, what a little sassafras. Yawn.
Later that day, another of Annie's teachers announces that the teens will pair up for a socioeconomic experiment in which they will look after a fake baby. As the teacher explains the process, some misogynist B-boy interrupts to say that child rearin' is "woman's work," so his partner better "reck-uh-nize." He is summarily informed that he will have to go gay -- with Navid. up, Annie and Ethan are predictably matched up. The teacher mixes it up by designating Ethan a stay-at-home dad. She explains the babies are digitally tracked. Not only must the students feed and change them, but the sensors will also register any mistreatment, which will constitute failure. Just like life -- only with accountability!
Outside, Silver posts signs for her half-birthday celebration. A bewildered Dixon follows her around like a puppy with a hard-on. No one can rain on Silver's freak parade, though, as she espouses the wonders of horror films. Dixon says he never got into them but seductively offers her the chance to initiate him properly. Their foreplay is cut short as Annie and Ethan approach with their new baby. She tries to no avail to offload the kid on Ethan as he leaves. Silver goes for the well-worn joke that they should have dated before having a kid. Annie jumps at the chance to make it seem like she chooses not to date Ethan -- completely ignoring, of course, that he has not really demonstrated any real interest in her.
Naomi finds AAdrianna in the quad, doing the druggie eye drop routine. She asks about AAdrianna's hag of a stage mother, and AAdrianna cops to the fact that her mother is a Dina Lohan wannabe. Naomi says she's worried about AAdrianna because of the rumors, but AAdrianna brushes them off.
AAdrianna says her only problem these days is Annie, since she got her kicked out of the play and runs off to tattle about her to her daddy. She even bitches about auditioning against Annie for the movie, all the while conveniently failing to mention that she wouldn't even have been asked to audition if not for Annie. The best part of this whole monologue is that, while she's dopily trash-talking Annie, Annie is totally watching her do it. I have a feeling AAdrianna's so out of it, she doesn't even see Annie. She probably thinks she's talking shit about, like, a flaxen-haired woodland pixie and that Naomi is her Medusa-like Ego.
Naomi continues with her prepared "supportive" speech, but AAdrianna stops her cold, saying she don't need no intervention. She asks what's new with Naomi. Naomi summarizes: affair, divorce, world crashing down, etc. AAdrianna apologizes for her absence, blaming auditions. We should all be coming to realize that what AAdrianna calls "auditions" are what Jacqueline Susann called "dolls." They promise to be there for each other, do some weird, girly singing giggle thing that they obviously invented when they were still of Punky Brewster-watching age, and switch necklaces for luck. All is right with the world!
Elsewhere, Harry walks outside with some one-liner in a red blazer and Crazy Eyes, who obviously has committed herself to the PTA since becoming newly single, and the three of them chat about an upcoming fundraiser. Red blazer leaves, and Crazy Eyes brings up the illegitimate child she had with Harry some 20 years ago. She asks if he wonders about the kid ever. Harry gives a vague-ish answer, but she says that's not good enough. She wants to hire a private investigator to find the bastard...
...aaaaand cut to another bastard child of Harry's -- Annie! She's auditioning her little Kansan heart out. In another room, AAdrianna practices her lines... horribly. She realizes what her performance is missing: blow! She takes a bump and waits for the magic. Annie finishes, and the producer congratulates her, then has to tell her to leave. Whoops! Annie tries to be cordial with AAdrianna on the way out, but Too-Cool-AAde blows her off. The producer asks if our favorite junkie is ready, and AAdrianna says she's ready to "rock it!" Credits.
The day Ethan and Annie work on their project at the Peach Pit. Naomi creeps up on them, and jokes that Ethan's already on a date when they just broke up a few days ago. Only, she doesn't realize how dangerously close to the truth she is. The perma donna persists in the delusion that she is adorable and effervescent. She reiterates that she has moved on, and Ethan can have "as many babies as he wants." It's almost a carbon copy of that scene in Friends when Monica tries to be breezy while leaving a message on her ex-boyfriend's machine. And the message is all, "Hi, Richard. It's Monica. I'm breezy!" Yeah, so this is like that... with worse acting. Naomi leaves to meet AAdrianna, and they practically wipe their foreheads in relief. Annie teases Ethan for his and Naomi's serial break-up-make-up record. Ethan vows that he's over the relationship for good this time.
Over at Kelly's house, Silver gives Dixon the grand tour. She winkingly tells Dixon she plans to paint one wall in the living room black because it's her favorite color. Hot. Dixon asks if she'll be scared to stay there alone. But Silver's got that covered. She crawls up on Dixon like she's Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video. And what better segue to Dixon's observation that this will be a "serious party house"? She says she plans to charge admission. He asks if she'll charge him, too, and she says he'll work it off. Double hot. But first, she says, he should "kick off [his] shoes, relax, and prepare to do something [he's] never done before." Dixon betrays his virginity by starting to unbutton his shirt, but his penile hopes are thwarted when Silver pulls out a trio of horror movies and gives a devilish smile. Over which the composer strums a riff that's the bass guitar equivalent of "Wah, wah, wahhhhhhh."
At Casa Wilson, Harry walks in on Tabitha (yay!) and Debbie arguing about whether or not Tabitha flashed the gardener. Tabitha argues the she likes to swim naked and let her freak flag fly (exact words). Side note: If this whole show consisted of Tabitha, Navid, and Silver-and-Dixon (as an inseparable unit), I'd be thrilled. Maybe even throw in a splash of poor man's Efron for good measure... either way, I have no need for this Annie-Ethan-Naomi, Kelly-Matthews business.
But I digress... Tabby leaves, and Harry breaks the news to Debbie that Crazy Eyes' plans to hunt down their lovechild. Debbie asks if he approved her plan. He says no, but she senses that he did it out of fear for her reaction. He admits he does want to know the child, then suggests writing a letter that the adoption agency can give to his son one day. Debbie agrees to that compromise, but I bet she would sign on for anything that didn't involve Harry playing "Private Dick" with Crazy Eyes. Harry gets a call and has to leave.
Naomi, meanwhile, visits AAdrianna's house. DinaLite graciously thanks Naomi for coming over, then undercuts her own kindness by critiquing Naomi's hair. Bitch. Naomi wisely lets that comment slide and asks where AAdrianna is. DinaLite says she must be celebrating because she got the part. Naomi says she's had trouble getting in touch with AAdrianna for their date, but DinaLite isn't the least bit concerned now that she the money for her Botox fix. As Naomi frets, we cut to AAdrianna rockin' it in her dealer's car. Commercials.
That night, Dixon and Silver take part in their fright night -- and I'm not just talking about the first time Silver sees Dixon's you-know-what. Oh! But seriously... They watching House of 1,000 Corpses while Silver provides pretentious commentary. She blab-blab-blabs away for a while before realizing Dixon is asleep. That Philistine! She wakes him up, tells him it's 11:30, and he bolts.
Tabitha apprehends Dixon as he arrives home just past midnight. She pretends to reprimand him for a minute then adopts the mischievous tone we all know and love. Dixon hopes he can sneak in, but Tabitha tells him his parents know he's not home and that Debbie is freaking out. And speaking of... Debbie stomps down the hall toward them, gives him a big, scared hug, then dresses him down for missing curfew. Harry joins suit, and the scene is punctuated by Annie's wailing baby.
Tabitha tells Harry to relax and says he could have been doing worse, specifically something involving Laker Girls in Tijuana... Of course Annie comes up just in time to bask in Tabby's filthy wit. Debbie tells Annie to quiet the baby, but -- like the supremely responsible (and totally not self-absorbed) person she is -- Annie can't find it. As Dixon zings Annie's lack of parenting skills, Harry exercises some of his own, making Dixon promise he won't show up late without calling again.
Annie shows up with the whimpering animatroni-tot, and says she found it in the bathroom... in the corner... under her jeans. Debbie jumps (and I mean JUMPS) on the opportunity to reply, "Nobody puts Baby in the corner!" After nearly two decades of marriage, Harry knows enough to give her a courtesy laugh. Everybody else, through silence and icy gazes, lets her know that it is, in fact, she whose freak flag flies high tonight. And... scene.
The morning, Silver meets Matthews in the hall to make sure their coordinated prison chic striped tops look nice under the fluorescent lights. (Not really, but what else do these people do? Certainly not teaching and learning.) She asks if Matthews misses Kelly. He tells her he's already dating other people. She invites Matthews and his lady friend of choice to a movie screening at a local cemetery. He's as weirded out by that idea as he should be but agrees anyway.
As Matthews walks off, Dixon approaches. He says that he got in so much trouble that Harry and Debbie insist on going to the movie tonight to ensure he makes curfew. She's a little dejected, but she's more upset by the fact that he slept through something important to her the night before. He apologizes for not investing enough in the horror movies, and they get back to cuteness as usual.
Unfortunately, they are interrupted by the twins of perpetual annoyance, Annie and Ethan. They squabble over the baby -- she's predictably uptight about grades, and he tells her to relax. Silver diffuses the tension by inviting them to the movie. She asks the non-couple if they want to all ride together or meet up there. Annie makes this innocuous question rife with nonsensical sexual tension by pausing all meaningfully then eking out rationalization that they can go as a couple since they're parents now. Ethan shows how much he cares about this faux drama in Annie's head by tossing the baby like a football. Nice.
We return to Matthews' classroom, where he's discussing 1984. New Girl Kimberly ignores him completely and chats with Annie. Matthews cuts in to remind Kimberly that he actually has a job to do. She makes a Fast Time at Ridgemont High reference, and he rewards her cultural consciousness with detention. Bogus!
Meanwhile, Harry talks and Crazy Eyes talk in his office about his plan to move forward with the lovechild situation. Crazy Eyes says she already hired a P.I. Harry thinks that is too drastic a move. She reminds him (i.e. tries to make him feel guilty) that she's been aware of the situation for 20 years, he for only six weeks, so she can damn well do what she pleases. He apologizes, and they embrace. She seizes this opportunity chance to lay one on him. He backs off, saying he's going to pretend it never happened. She takes her laser pupils and shuffles out of the room.
Matthews welcomes Kim to detention. They exchange flirty zings, and she asks if he's gay. After scads of snark, I think Matthews comes down on the side of "Yep, I'm Gay!" Either that or he thinks she lied about her dad being dead. Yeah, that was mentioned, too. Don't ask... Either way, it seems Kimberly has replaced AAdrianna in Matthews' heart. Another teacher peeks in the door and asks Matthews for help. He tells them he'll be back soon. Before he leaves, Kim makes another snotty comment that she perceives as flirtatious, and I suddenly realize that it's probably her greatest ambition to be on the Real World Road Rules Challenge.
Out in the hall, Naomi finds an exceedingly pasty (I'm talking Wednesday Addams-pasty) AAdrianna. And damn, girl is jacked up! She talks up a storm as she digs through her purse. Naomi spots a lipstick container that she once used to conceal drugs. Naomi's initiates her hyperactive savior complex to rescue AAdrianna from the depths, but it may be too late. Just then, the LAPD and its drug dogs enter West Bev. And, if you think about, if you're AAdrianna, and you only show up to school like once a week as is, that is exceptionally bad timing.
If she were really the high-caliber actress she claims to be, wouldn't it be easy for AAdrianna to remain cool, calm, and collected? Well, let's just say she doesn't play up to expectation and begins blatantly weeping to Naomi, all the while denying, then rationalizing, her addiction. After the dogs find weed in another kid's locker, she freaks out that this bust will mean she loses the part in the movie. From that, her life will crumble around her... you know, all the stuff that Naomi has actually experienced recently and AAdrianna wasn't there for. Naomi offers to take the drugs. AAdrianna hands them over, and Naomi casually walks off... for about half a second until she locks eyes with one of the cops. She makes a break for the girls' bathroom, which would only be savvy if the cop in question weren't also a woman. AAdrianna leaves, and Naomi flushes the drugs as the cops enter.
Outside, the cops escort Naomi and her hot pants off to the clink, then brief Harry as to what went down. Matthews butts in and tells Harry that his was not the best way to earn the kids' trust. He then summons his inner toker and brands the catchphrase, "This isn't China, it's Beverly Hills!" Harry couldn't care less for Matthews' opinion. Elsewhere, Dixon, Silver, Ethan, and Annie watch Naomi drive off in the back of the cruiser. Annie assures Ethan that the drugs weren't Naomi's, but he already knows. Commercials.
When we return, Ethan, Annie, and Baby Makes Three have tracked AAdrianna down and are telling her to admit the drugs were hers. AAdrianna deflects by telling Annie that Naomi introduced her into the "C&C Club" (Cocaine & Champagne). Ethan says Naomi grew up and quit. AAdrianna again deflects, asking why Annie would care about Naomi since she seems pretty cozy with her boyfriend (though she uses the term "dry humping"... because she's classy). Ethan corrects one point of fact -- he's Naomi's ex-boyfriend -- and says that Annie does care, as does he. He insists that, if AAdrianna cares about Naomi, she'll prove it. Of course he means by turning herself in, but I think a batch of brownies with a nail file in 'em oughta do the trick.
But I guess Naomi won't be needing one of those because her dad bailed her out. They enter her room, where Crazy Eyes displays her love and trust by tearing Naomi's room apart. Naomi insists she's not on drugs, but Crazy Eyes the divorce triggered Naomi's relapse. Naomi asks can make this mess go away. He might not be able to. He gives her one last chance to say something to change their mind. Naomi makes a pained expression and somber music plays.
Later, AAdrianna enters and apologizes for getting Naomi in this fix. Naomi updates her and begs AAdrianna to admit the drugs were hers. Because she's a junkie and has no perspective whatsoever, AAdrianna starts crying about losing her part in the shittiest horror movie not yet made. Naomi begs her to go to rehab, joking that it could be a good career move. Hey! It (arguably) worked so far this year for Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, Kirsten Dunst, and Eva Mendes. Why not? Naomi says she had AAdrianna's back, now it's time to pay up. AAdrianna agrees, saying she needs a little time to explain things to her mom. She apologizes one more time and leaves. I don't believe that bitch for one second.
AAdrianna gets home, and her mom has bought a cake with a shooting star and red letters that scream, "This is it!" She says it's a good thing AAdrianna got the part because they were about to lose their house. OMG, this is ri-friggin'-diculous. I'm no Hollywood insider, but there is no way one B-movie salary would save them from their financial troubles. Then again, given her daughter's penchant for the drugs, maybe DinaLite has taken some, too, and is in the midst of a coke frenzy. She rambles that it's all uphill from here. AAdrianna suppresses back tears, as well as the confession that will save Naomi. Commercials.
Onto lighter times: Silver and Dixon's cemetery movie date! As they take pictures in front of her beloved Johnny Ramone statue, Dixon impresses Silver with factoids about the guitarist to whom the statue pays tribute. He earns major points by adding that he downloaded the band's songs since he knew she loved them. She rewards him with a kiss.
Elsewhere, Matthews helps his date out of the car and thanks her for turning his day around. They banter about the pitfalls of online dating (where they met), and we find out that she's an actress. From that you can infer the dime-a-dozen, beachy blonde, chunky bangs aesthetic she's working. Also, she's not the brightest bulb in the box and doesn't quite get Matthews' sardonic sense of humor. Also, she's the face of Herpes. Which is not to say that her face has Herpes, but rather she appeared in a national ad about the Herp. Matthews attempts another joke, and it goes all the way over head and makes a break for Laguna Beach.
On the lawn, Silver and Dixon catch up with Ethan and Annie and make witty repartee until Ethan gets a text message from Naomi that AAdrianna is going to take the fall. (Little does she know...) Annie commends Ethan for sticking up for Naomi. He says he'll be there for anyone who's important to him, then gives her a meaningful look. She repays this by insulting him, saying that he never fails to surprise. What an ass.
Ethan and Dixon decide to go for drinks and leaving Silver and Annie to girl talk. Annie bemoans the double-date vibe, but Silver tells her to chill. They run into Navid, his gay-for-a-day, B-boy partner, and their crying baby. B-boy whines that the baby only cries when he's holding it. Navid thinks it's his medieval weapon-like hair, though I would argue his hair more closely resembles Sonic the Hedgehog. Then I have to ask myself, Were these kids even able to form memories back then? B-boy failingly tries to pawn the baby off on Navid, and they both take off.
Annie and Silver resume their conversation. Annie begs Silver not to make out with Dixon in her field of vision. Silver suggests she avert her eyes. Silver spots Matthews and his MENSA member date. She gives him the thumbs up.
Meanwhile, Harry and Debbie are embroiled in a contentious conversation about his kiss with Crazy Eyes. They both resign themselves to the fact that Crazy Eyes is here to stay. Debbie says she misses Kansas. Harry jokes that at least she's not dead. Debbie's not amused, squeaking, "She kissed you?!"
Night falls over the cemetery as Psycho begins. Matthews humors his date's musings on being an actress in L.A. We learn that she used to be a gymnast. Matthews' eyes gleam as he jokes that that fact is good news for everybody. For once, she gets that joke -- and snorts!
And who, at that very moment, should turn up? New Girl Kim. Kim remains brassy as Vapid Actress busts out the IM speak ("OMG!") and displays a less-than-stellar understand of local geography ("Didn't you guys know that L.A. is the capital of Hollywood?"). Kim practically wets her pants at the chance to rag on Matthews. She leaves with the parting shot that she loved Vapid Actress in the Herpes commercial.
Elsewhere, Naomi and her father have a tête-à-tête with his legal counsel. She eyes the door, hoping for AAdrianna to arrive. The counselor tells her that, if AAdrianna doesn't confess, Naomi could have trouble getting into college and getting a job; she might even have to go to jail. Naomi shifts frantically in her seat as the walls cave in around her. Commercials.
Back at the movie, Dixon and Silver snuggle up as the movie reaches its dénouement. It's that really quiet moment before the detective is attacked by "Mrs. Bates." Dixon -- because he doesn't know the scare he's about to get -- takes the quiet moment to wish Silver a happy half-birthday. Just as they are tenderly gazing into each other's eyes, the screaming strings kick in, and Dixon jumps about a foot off the ground. Silver smiles that he finally felt the effects of a horror movie.
Nearby, Vapid Actress chit-chats away about her future film career as Matthews struggles to contain his boredom and finally decides to get some coffee. Behind them, Navid and the B-boy debate over whether she's the Herpes chick.
Back in the chambers of doom, Naomi tweaks out as the counselor runs down her limited options. For his part, Mr. Clark boosts morale by calling her stupid. Nice! Don't give that man a baby doll.
On his way to get coffee, Matthews again runs into Kim. She starts the second round of smack down by saying she didn't think dumb blonde was his type. He extrapolates and tells her that any feelings she has for him are inappropriate. She tells him to relax and jokes she didn't want Matthews to "catch" his date's stupidity. She adds that having a crush on him would be gross and tells him to get over himself. Whatever, they are so going where so many others have gone before. Mark my words.
Back on the lawn, Annie and Ethan try to silence their crying baby, breaking up in laughter over the absurdity of the whole situation. At the same time, Harry spots Kim and tells Debbie he'll be right back. They sidle up to each other all top-secret-like. It turns out Kim's a narc! He questions the spectacle of that afternoon's drug bust. She explains that they want to lull the students into thinking they're safe before the real bust. She tells him not to contact her in public, and they part ways.
Back at the blankets, Annie and Ethan's baby has calmed down, and they're engaging in flirty conversation. His phone keeps buzzing, so he turns it off. She tells him to answer, falling back on the "It's not like we're on a date or anything" excuse. It is painfully obvious that she's fishing for validation. As expected, Ethan falls for it. He tells her that whoever it is will have to wait. She smiles, proud that she's secured a monopoly on at least one male's attention through the end of the night.
Of course, the person in question that will have to wait is the crestfallen Naomi. Though, in his defense, what could Ethan actually do? Either way, we return to the non-date where Ethan gets the bright idea to dissect whether it's a date or not. He says that, even though it's not a date, it feels like one. Annie agrees, and they conclude that it must not be a date. Ethan takes it one step further, going for the lean-in and saying, "Because if it was a date, I'd do this..." Needless to say, Mrs. Bates rears her ugly head (literally) just at the moment that the kids are about to have their first non-date kiss. And if anyone didn't see that coming a mile away, then I cannot help you.
The star-crossed twinks are still reeling from the lost momentum when Dixon leaps between them to marvel at how awesome Hitchcock made that moment (though he doesn't actually give credit to Hitchcock because he is wildly ignorant). He says he jumped and asks if they did, too. Ethan awkwardly says he did, and Annie echoes his self-conscious timbre. They sit around, looking awkward and a whole lotta disappointed.
Meanwhile, Naomi furiously dials AAdrianna's phone. She won't reach her, though, because AAdrianna is laid out on a shag carpet in some drug den, dying a slow death by overdose. Addicts and EMTs surround her, trying to revive her. As an oxygen mask covers her expressionless face, Naomi leaves a caustic message that ends with, and I quote, "You're dead to me." Girl, you don't know how right you are.
We pit the new batch of characters against the classic crew. See who wins.