Previously on 9021-zzzzzzzzzzzzzz: Adrianna's growing fondness for the nose candy got her booted from the school play and pushed Annie into the spotlight. Adrianna's new-found free time came in handy as she set the ultimate double cross -- simultaneously making both Annie and her new boyfriend(-ish) Ty think the other was cheating -- on the very same night Ty was supposed to take Annie's virginity, no less. Crackhead, 1; Annie, 0. Also, tensions are rising between Kelly and Brenda. Just like old times... In honor of that, I've put on my palazzo pants, warmed up with some "Motown Philly," and tucked into a sixer of Zima. Let's do this.
It's the morning after the storm in PrinciPAL Harry's office. He grills Adrianna about her apparent intoxication before the play. Dreaming of Lohan status, Adrianna does her own take on "Those weren't my pants," and claims she took cough syrup to soothe her throat. Aaaah! Cindy McCain's taken over my TV! Oh no, it's just Adrianna's Dina Lohan Lite mother. DinaLite backs her daughter up, adding that she has hit the (cough syrup) bottle since she was in the Miss Sunburst Beauty Pageant at age six.
Neither Harry's Good Cop nor Brenda's Bad Cop seems to work, so Kelly mentions Adrianna's absenteeism of late. Adrianna starts into her "I have to go on auditions to support my mother" rant, as usual, so Matthews suggests that Adrianna cut back on the auditions. Because her meds depend on it, DinaLite counters that the school should cut back on her workload. Who are these people? "My daughter can't work, she's got a party to plan!" -- "My daughter can't come to class, she's got an international film career to build!" These are children. Albeit poorly dressed ones.
Brenda placates both divas by saying Adrianna's talent will make her successful regardless, but for now she should lighten her load. And then... ohhhh shit, Adrianna takes a swipe at Brenda, saying she doesn't want to end up like her, performing in a crappy regional theater troupe and directing school plays in her spare time. She and DinaLite smirk. That is, until Harry warns her that this amnesty is one-day-only; the time they think she's on drugs, she'll be expelled. Adrianna looks intimidated, but DinaLite preserves her righteous indignation and ends the conversation like the tried-and-true Beverly Hills stage mother she is, threatening litigation and storming out.
Out in the hallway, Annie (dressed like Laurie Partridge) walks through the halls to a shower of compliments, even one from a Goth, and a round of applause. Oh, spare me. Ty shuffles up and says those four dreaded words: "We need to talk." She drama queens that he should never speak to her again. Like true high schoolers (or perhaps just men and women), they have a completely elliptical conversation in which both of them are mad at each other, but neither says why, so they both believe they're right. Annie gives him the hand and walks off.
In doing so, she slams into Adrianna and DinaLite. Adrianna points out that Annie is Harry's daughter, as if it proves that her fall and Annie's phoenix-like rise to school acclaim was all rigged. Shut up, Adrianna. As they huff off, DinaLite shoves into Annie, who reacts exactly how they want her to -- like a defensive twit. Though it's a pretty safe bet that she'll act that way in any situation, if we're being honest.
Harry approaches to calm her down, vaguely advising that Annie should be the bigger person when it comes to Adrianna. Annie gives him the snide smirk that we've all come to know and love, followed by a condescending pat on the chest, and walks off as Harry smiles, all, "That's my kid!" I know parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally and all, but I think it would be an extra challenge with this one. Especially when you compare her to the much cooler Dixon.
Later, Naomi tells Ethan how the separation has made her mother a cougar. Ironically, she says her mother has found that young men like the "Altoid trick." Maybe that would have been something Crazy Eyes could have told Naomi earlier, you know, to save her a break-up. Anywho, Naomi marches on under the misapprehension that her parents actually still love each other. Then she cancels her dinner plans with Ethan, who has chipped in about five words in the entire conversation. Instead, she has a date to nag and nosh with her father and mistress Gail. She leaves, and Ethan looks windblown after facing down Hurricane Naomi (Category 5 for severe self-absorption).
Elsewhere, we remember that Debbie actually has a job as she sorts through photo proofs in a downtown studio. Her boss Antonio is desperately looking for a photographer to cover an upcoming fashion show. Debbie's all, "Put me in, coach!" even though she's a quaint Kansan photographer. Antonio is desperate, so he gives her a shot. After he walks off, we learn where Annie gets her dorky look of self-satisfaction.
Back at West Bev, poor Navid (we missed you!) is relegated to third-wheel status as Dixon and Silver make out. He bitches that this was the inevitable fallout of making friends. Silver snaps back at him that he's a needy, whiny bitch (I paraphrase), then decides to take off, threatening to vlog about him. Ha.
In the hallway, the soon-to-be lust triangle of Kelly, Matthews and Brenda speculates about Adrianna's abysmal future. Matthews envisions Promises and PerezHilton.com. Kelly sympathizes but mainly feels bad about involving Brenda. Still, she backs up Brenda's decision.
Matthews changes the subject, inquiring about Brenda's post-play plans. She says typical woman stuff -- wine and a hot bath. She asks what they have planned, and Matthews seizes the opening to ask out Kelly. Which is the perfect time for Brenda to get a call from Dylan! Kelly squirms as she's handed the phone. Matthews isn't the shrewdest observer, so Brenda confirms that Dylan is Kelly's baby daddy. Credits.
In his classroom, Matthews reminds the students about a career paper that will be due soon, then slips in a joke about Adrianna in front of the entire class. Did you ever think your incessant funny guy routine might be what's driving her to the hard stuff, Matthews?
Annie starts to leave, and Matthews asks about her paper. Annie says that she and Dixon are assisting Debbie at the fashion show. Matthews gets the bright idea to strong-arm Annie into letting Adrianna be her helper. He makes it clear that Adrianna will fail if she doesn't get a B or better. They begrudgingly agree.
After Matthews is out of earshot, the two twits bicker. Adrianna self-righteously accuses Annie of "stealing" her part in the play. Annie's all, "I was your understudy, dumbass," then counters that Adrianna was straight up skeezy by sleeping with Ty. Adrianna asks why Annie is helping her, then, and Annie implies that she's morally superior. Oh girls, words will get your nowhere. Let's just solve this with a good, old-fashioned slap fight and get it over with, shall we?
Matthews walks in to see Kelly, who is distracted now that Dylan has asked her to bring Sammy to visit him. She tries to let Matthews down easy, but he gets in really close with the intense eyes and says he'll wait for a woman like her. She respectfully declines. He starts to make a graceful exit, then decides to stir the pot by asking why Dylan called Brenda to talk to Kelly. Snap!
Over in the cafeteria, Silver tells Dixon she doesn't want to come to the fashion show. He tries to make her jealous with the idea of him ogling naked beanpoles, but Silver holds fast -- she knows she's the only beanpole in his life! Navid interrupts to pitch a solution to "their" third wheel problem: he'll just "take a shot at Annie." This, of course, is an extremely unfortunate choice of words to use in front of her brother. Dixon basically laughs in his face and forgets the suggestion immediately.
Over at Clark Compound, we get a full-length view of Naomi's latest outfit, which resembles what a high-class hooker would wear to tennis clinic, featuring ankle-high red platform Keds. For a minute there, I thought I was watching the old . Ain't no way anyone in 2008 would wear this wackness... She and Crazy Eyes chat about the cougar's latest prey. Naomi pretends to be her mom's BFF, all the while storing up more stories with which to sedate Ethan. Crazy Eyes suggests a girls' night in, so Naomi reveals that she has a dinner date with the philanderer. Crazy Eyes asks if Gail is going. Naomi avoids answering and instead invites her mom to the fashion show. She accepts.
Back at the photography studio, Debbie takes photos of models as Annie, Silver and Adrianna watch from the sidelines. Debbie's boss informs some silk-suited d-bag that Debbie is his protégé, but the guy's too distracted by Silver's twiggy appendages. He approaches and asks what modeling agency she's with. She laughs, and he continues to leer, then introduces himself as Tom Moreno. He says she could be a model, but she says she's not interested. He reminds her that there are countless idiot stick figures who want to become models (just ask Tyra Banks), but Silver sticks to her story. He walks away, leaving her with a smile that belies her apathy.
Naomi, her father and Gail rendezvous at some hoity-toity restaurant and toast to Naomi's amazing open-mindedness. This prompts her to kick off the insinuations and bitchery toward her dad. Naomi's dad cuts her off, telling her that her schemes aren't going to work, so she does him one better and straight up tells Gail that her parents are still sleeping together. Daddy dearest tries to put his best PR spin on the situation, but it hits too close to home (or should I say "the love shack"?) for Gail. She storms out, Daddy follows, and Naomi stays behind, smugly buttering her bread and slugging down her wine.
Back at the studio, Debbie's boss reviews her prints. He compliments her heartily as Harry walks in to pick the whole gang up. Harry greets Adrianna, then cluelessly says to Annie that things seem to be looking up between she and her theatrical arch-nemesis. Annie gives him a lukewarm response, and Harry displays once again his complete lack of a grasp on principal's ethics by telling Annie about Adrianna's (obvious, but still unproven) drug problem. It doesn't faze Annie, though, who is always one step ahead of him -- and unabashed in telling him so.
Back at Clark Compound, we find Naomi and Ethan in flagrante. She asks whether he still loves her. She says he hasn't said it much lately. He's saved by the Crazy Eyes as Mrs. Clark walks up in a hot little minidress. Naomi says the guys will be falling all over her at the fashion show. Once she's out of range, Naomi adds, "At least my daddy will!" Ethan, God bless him, tries to inform her that she's not living The Parent Trap, but she brushes it off, tells him to go home to change, and pushes him out the door as a devious glint sparks in her eyes.
It's fashion show time! Debbie takes photos, inadvertently bumping Annie back into, as luck would have it, a lady who saw her magical performance in Spring Awakening. We all suspend our disbelief long enough to hear this walking, talking plot device ask Annie to come read for a part in her new high-school cheerleader slasher flick. To the show's credit, at least the content and concept of the movie sound on par with Annie's craptacular acting skills.
All the while, Adrianna stands in the shadows and gets her pigtails in a bunch as this goes down. Annie tries to smooth over the situation by introducing Adrianna to the producer, but it backfires when she recognizes the former child actress and is all, "What happened to you?" Adrianna stumbles over her answer until Annie points out that Adrianna was actually the lead in the musical until she "got sick at the last minute." The producer takes the bait and lets them both audition.
Over at Kelly's house, Brenda plays Legos with Sammy. Kelly comes in to send him to bed, and I start rubbing my palms together. There's a fight a-brewin', Beverly Hills! Brenda says she's going with Matthews to the fashion show so he can "keep an eye on Adrianna." Kelly doesn't buy it and tells Brenda that old habits die hard. Brenda pretends she doesn't know what Kelly's implying, so Kelly eventually asks why Dylan called Brenda today and not her. Kelly thinks Brenda is rekindling the romance with Dylan. Brenda says he called about Kelly and that she was trying to protect Kelly from getting hurt again. Kelly's still suspicious and snipes a bit at Brenda, who then starts to leave. Kelly -- who is not even half the big, beautiful bitch she used to be -- backs down and apologizes. They hug it out and blah, blah, blah. Where's all the hair pulling? Brenda heads to her car and deletes Dylan's number from her phone.
At the fashion show after-party, Dixon is actually wearing a white suit -- what teenager owns a white suit? -- as he yaks about how famous models get paid ten grand a day. Somewhere, the ghost of Linda Evangelista's modeling career is wreaking havoc, wailing, "Never get out of bed for less than $100 thousand! A hundred thousand, I said!" Dixon jokes he would be an underwear model if male models had it as good as the women; Silver flirts that he can model for her.
Navid interjects that the flirty banter is making him uncomfortable. Oh hush, Navid, you're totally going to use this as a prelude to a screening of one of your dad's films later. But anyway... Dixon tells him to go chat up some hotties. As luck would have it, at that very moment, a couple of models excitedly ask about Navid's Persian heritage and offer to introduce him to some of their friends -- which is always how it happens to me, too!
Upstairs, Brenda hangs out with Matthews, who has liberally applied enough hair product to give him a strong resemblance to Wolverine. Brenda reminisces about the parties of her high school days. He says he's happy to have a veteran by his side, and she totally preambles her assault on Kelly by saying that she knows she's not his first choice. It's so artful and calculated, in fact, that she manages to simultaneously slag off her best friend and convince Matthews that she's adorably sassy. What a vixen. Too bad she's on limited contract. What a dope. Too bad he's a series regular.
Downstairs, Ethan stands idly by as Naomi continues to ignore him in service of her moronic plan to reunite her parents.
Elsewhere, Adrianna compliments Annie for having such a cool, down-to-earth mom -- especially in comparison to her own Crawford-like stage mother. She thanks Annie for helping her out with the producer. Just when they're on good terms again, Adrianna decides to come clean about tricking Annie and Ty. Annie doesn't take it well and storms off.
Along the way, she crosses paths with Brenda and Wolverine. In her anger, she accuses Adrianna of possibly being on drugs. Because Adrianna was less than 10 steps away, she hears Annie's lies. She comes up from behind swinging, then shoves her and calls her a narc. Chick fight! Wait... No chick fight? Damn it! Adrianna keeps the sparring verbal and gives Annie, Brenda and Matthews an earful about how their "sting operation" has failed. Then she continues the show's motif and storms off.
Annie, who has no thoughts of her own, buys into Adrianna's theory and finds Harry to ask if he was using her as a spy. He denies it, and she says that it doesn't matter because Adrianna is probably telling the whole school. Then -- say it with me now! -- she storms off. Once again, Annie is more concerned about her place in the social pecking order than her schoolmate's possible drug addiction... or her dad's professional career, but what can you expect?
Conveniently, at this very moment, Naomi is storming in with her dad. Ethan points out Crazy Eyes getting jiggy with some guy. Mr. Clark is pissed that Naomi lured him here, and Crazy Eyes isn't too happy either. As expected, Naomi's plan to make her father jealous has blown up in her face. Just for good measure, her father proves what an epic dick he is by screaming at Naomi that he will never be with her mother and that their marriage is over. Way to alienate and embarrass two of the most important women in your life, buddy. Maybe we should conference call in Naomi's little sister so she can feel like crap, too? Ethan and Mrs. Clark stand there, stunned and speechless, because there is no other response. Naomi fights back tears before bitterly spitting out that she hopes her dad and Gail are happy together.
Perhaps hoping to end its own part in the awkwardness, the camera skulks over to Brenda and Matthews. She says she regrets getting involved in yet another generation of high school drama and thinks it's a good time to head out of town to visit her brother Brandon. Matthews says he didn't know she had a brother. She says it's one of many things he doesn't know. Matthews picks up on her coquetry, says he's headed in her direction, and offers her a ride. She points out that he doesn't actually know which direction she's going in (since he's never been to her house) but takes him up on the offer anyway. Ewwww.
Meanwhile, fashion producer Tom letches up to Silver again and regales her with tales of his discovering Rebecca Romijn and Heidi Klum. She carries on her cool indifference until he goes in for the kill and invites her to come "plot the world domination of Silver" in the Jacuzzi at his house in The Hills. Double ewwwww. She points out the whole statutory rape element of this proposal, but he continues to try to seduce her, saying it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Dixon walks onto this scene just as the creep begins to caress her arm and tousle her hair. Dixon shoves him off, and the producer goes there, calling Dixon a thug. Debbie intervenes to say that Dixon's not a thug, he's her son. And the gall! Creepy producer goes there again, summoning his inner diva to ask, "Well, then, who da baby daddy?" complete with neck swirl. Oh no, he did not!
Dixon (rightly) knocks the asshat's block off. It is worth noting, however, that he is a perfect gentlemen up until the moment of contact, saying, "Excuse me, mom" before bringing down his velvet hammer of a fist. Dixon wails on the guy until Harry and Debbie's boss break it up. Debbie's boss asks what happened, and the assclown tells him that Debbie and her "Compton kid" cost the photography studio its biggest account. Classy! Commercials.
Later, Dixon emerges from the fallout to comfort Silver. She feels stupid for nearly buying into that slimeball's lines. Dixon again proves that he is the show's most wonderful and charismatic character (for which 99% of the credit goes to Tristan Wilds) by telling Silver that the sleazebag did have one thing right -- she is the most beautiful girl at the show. They kiss and head off to be the coolest couple in the zip code.
Meanwhile, Navid wows the models with the knee-slapper about how he and the lacrosse team bamboozled a rival team with just three pigs and some chutzpah. One of them gives a courtesy laugh at the finish, but most of them are simply too dumb to comprehend the complicated mathematical nature of the prank. Oh, Navid. You're entirely too cute and smart for these bimbos.
Elsewhere, Ty has arrived and found Annie. He tells her that Adrianna texted him and admitted her machinations. Annie apologizes for misjudging him but tells him that she's not ready to make the sexy time. They shake hands and resolve to be friends... which is exactly the wrong direction for this show to go. Even with all his poor-man's-Efron-ness, Ty has about a trillion times more chemistry with Annie than Ethan does. (No offense to my fellow Canuck, Dustin Milligan. And speaking of Canucks, shout out to Clarissa!)
Across the room, Debbie apologizes to Antonio. He says he understands and insists that she's too talented to fire. He walks off, and Harry walks up, fearing the worst -- that he might be the house's sole breadwinner. The horrors! Once he finds out he's not, he updates her on Dixon. Debbie asks where Annie is just in time for the little brat to stomp over and demand they leave.
Outside, Naomi whines about all her failed schemes to reunite her parents. Ethan points out that maybe breaking up is for the best and that some people just aren't meant to be together. Because she's irrepressibly needy and dense, Naomi seeks Ethan's validation on whether he thinks they're meant to be together. He stares down pensively and finally admits that he doesn't always think so. Naomi decides to bite the bullet and says that it's over for good between them. He agrees. She starts crying, and he makes a mental note to dust off the pentapus.
Silver heads inside Kelly's house and notices Kelly has her suitcases out. Kelly says she's going to visit Dylan to see once and for all whether he will be a permanent part of their lives. She set it up for Silver to stay with her father for a couple of weeks, but Silver isn't thrilled. She offers to stay at Kelly's house to do things like bringing in the mail (and humping Dixon), watering the flowers (and humping Dixon), and paying the bills (and humping Dixon). Kelly agrees, saying she thinks Silver can handle it. Given this family's penchant for getting knocked up, that theory may not have the most solid foundations. But it will make for good TV, so bring it!
And finally, out on the mean streets, we find Adrianna. She seems to have stumbled into the withdrawal zone, and some random drug pusher rolls up in his car. He invites her in, hands her some drugs, and welcomes her to the big leagues. By which I suspect he means prostitution. Something tells me her drug of choice will soon be Valtrex.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how the new stacks up against the original in : Old vs. New!