So here we are again, at yet another 7th Heaven series finale. They're saying this time, it's for real. They even had a funeral and buried the show in an actual coffin and everything. You know who else had a funeral, though? Jesus. So that really doesn't prove much. But since this does, right now, for all intents and purposes, seem to be the real actual last final episode of This Goddamn Show, I have come back to recap it for you. Did you know that I actually requested this? I CHOSE to do this. Why? I don't know. I guess I hate myself.
Speaking of hate, RevCam comes home and enters that familiar backyard, only to find that a giant-ass bus has driven through the fence and into the backyard, running over whatever flora was unlucky enough to be planted so close to the Camdens. Already, this episode is ridiculous beyond redemption. I'm in for a long ride. The Saxophone of Whatever immediately sets about blaring away, giving my ears flashbacks. RevCam pathetically cries out for Annie, who comes running outside with an uncharacteristic clownface of happiness on. I guess Catherine Hicks is as glad to be free of this as the rest of the world. RevCam, by the way, looks old. But, apparently, not on the verge of death, since that terminal heart condition he was supposed to have that was the only fucking reason why I wanted to recap this episode magically healed itself last week just to screw me over. Annie doesn't even bother explaining what the giant bus is doing in their backyard, which is obviously what RevCam wants to know, and instead says she was calling around to find someone to fix the damage it caused. RevCam asks whose bus this is, and Annie tells him that it's theirs. RevCam thinks she's saying she bought it, and Annie laughs and says she doesn't have that kind of "egg money." They don't even have money to buy eggs at the grocery store. And yet, somehow, they have individual bottles of water.
Octogenarian retired army officer THE COLONEL somehow has piles of money lying around, however, and he's the one who bought it for them to celebrate RevCam's miraculous recovery. Apparently, THE COLONEL didn't have any money left over to pay someone who knew what he was doing to deliver it, as the moron who drove it there left the parking brake off, sending it rolling down the driveway and into the backyard. Or was that intentional? I choose to believe that THE COLONEL, despondent that the son he hates escaped death, paid the delivery guy to leave the parking brake off in the hopes that it would roll into the CamPound and destroy them all, leaving the world a better place. Too bad he missed. RevCam can't believe their good fortune that they actually own something. "If we wanted, we could just...leave," he says as the rusty gears in his mind attempt to turn. No, actually, you couldn't, RevCam. You have a job and a family and responsibilities and stuff. Your daddy buying you an RV bus doesn't change any of that. And yet, RevCam decides he's going to leave tomorrow, and Annie is thrilled with the idea, because she's a nutcase. To celebrate, RevCam finally opens the door and checks out the inside of the RV. Immediately, he notes the presence of a king-sized bed. I supposed it's too much to hope for that it's a bed of nails. Annie follows him inside and they start giggling and having sex. KILL ME.
I have to say, I like that they stuck some old opening shots into these credits. I don't like that the shot of RevCam dancing around with cans on his eyes made the cut, or that we don't get any retrospective shots of Happy. Okay, how the hell is Martin still on this show? And that horrible Duff girl? Anyway, one last time!
Where can you GOOOOOOO?
When the world don't treat you right?
The answer is HOOOOOOOME!
Unless your daddy buys you an RV!
Seventh Heaven. HMMMMMMMMM! Seventh Heaven.
And for the last Opening Credits Timewaster ever, Lucy and Kevin enter the backyard with their daughter (still cute!) and two dogs (one tiny and one fucking massive). They notice the bus in the backyard and head for the CamPound. RevCam and Annie watch them from the inside of the RV, trying to be all slick as they peer from between the blinds like it's hard to pull one over on those two morons. Plus, we all know how much experience those two have had when it comes to watching people out of windows. As soon as Lucy and Kevin let themselves into the house, RevCam and Annie exit the RV with their clothes and hair a mess. They kiss just as Brenda Hampton's name pops up on the screen as the "writer" of this episode, which plays more like one big terrible improv skit than an actual scripted piece. As usual.
Inside, Lucy and Kevin are interrogating SamVid as to the whereabouts of RevCam and Annie. The taller of the twins looks a lot older, although, sadly, he hasn't cut his hair since the last time I saw him. It looks even worse than Matt's back in the day. Cut your hair, kid. RevCam and Annie walk in, and RevCam hasn't even bothered to tuck his shirt in or button it, so proud of just getting laid is he. Annie says she's got a pathetic dinner of chicken soup and salad ready to heat up as she and RevCam head for the bedroom. Ugh, so are we supposed to think that they hadn't had the sex yet when Lucy and Kevin walked by and are going upstairs to finish what they started? So RevCam's holding his jacket over his crotch region to hide his excitement? Oh my god. Lucy and Kevin shoot each other knowing glances, but still elect to remain inside the house while her parents are upstairs doing it. Mercifully, they let SamVid go outside. Unfortunately, they head directly for the RV, the interior of which is probably covered in all manner of bodily fluids. Kevin takes Savannah outside, leaving Lucy with some alone time to listen to the sounds of her parents' muffled lovemaking. She whips out some cucumbers, and I don't even want to know what that's about.
A dorky gross boy enters the house and, his voice a-squeaking, starts talking to Lucy about the RV and how great it is. "It has a master bedroom, a kitchen, and a bath!" he says. Well, yeah, most RVs do. That's sort of the point. They wonder what RevCam will use it for just as he comes downstairs (damn, RevCam, that was kinda quick, wasn't it?) and says he and Annie are going on the road. "You're kidding!" the guy says. Who are you, dorky guy? Why are you so skinny? Why do you shake when you talk? And why is RevCam inviting you to come with him and Annie on their road trip of sex and shirking responsibilities? But the guy turns RevCam down, saying he already has a road trip planned for this summer. I don't care. Lucy's eyes bug out when RevCam says that he and Annie are leaving tomorrow and don't know where they're going other than to "see America." Seeing as the Camdens' America has all of four states in it, that shouldn't take too long. When RevCam tells Lucy to "keep an eye on" the church while they're gone, she has to speak up, saying RevCam and Annie can't just take SamVid out of school and leave town like this. Except that I doubt RevCam and Annie even remembered that they'd have to have the twins with them on this trip, and anyway, RevCam pulled them out of school and has been homeschooling them this season, like those poor boys didn't have enough stacked against them socially.
Lucy reminds RevCam of Ruthie and her schooling needs, and he says that, ever-so-conveniently, she and "T-Bone" just had their last day of school. The dorky guy is named T-Bone. Why? And why is Ruthie back in CamLand? Last I heard, she escaped to Scotland with that guy who wasn't really Scottish, and I had such high hopes for her. But I guess they had to beg Mackenzie Rosman to come back for the second half of this season, so here she is. And good for her for saying no to coming back at first. I can't blame her for the weird mind-control device Brenda Hampton seems to have implanted into every cast member's head that made her come back eventually. I just hope they paid her a lot. Lucy says RevCam can't just take off. He says he can, because the church he works for is full of fools who will let him live in a mansion and not even work for them, as we've seen before when RevCam had his various spiritual crises and quit Revving for a while. RevCam says he can also bring Annie, SamVid, Happy, and "the hamsters." I guess that's what they're calling Ruthie now, since no one saw fit to mention her on that list. T-Bone says he'll be spending the summer going on a cross-country road trip with his dad. As for Ruthie, T-Bone says he has been ordered not to tell the Camdens anything. By the way, T-Bone -- okay, you know what? I refuse to call him T-Bone. It ends here -- T-Bag doesn't even know if the guy he's going across the country with is his real father, although apparently Kevin had someone run a background check on him and he had no arrests, so "what the heck," T-Bag says. Yes, well, that sounds pretty safe, going across the country with a man you don't know who may or may not be your father. As long as he has no criminal record, that means he's never done anything wrong. Either that, or he's just killed all the witnesses. Anyway, I'd just like any young impressionable readers out there to know that what T-Bag is doing is a good way to get raped. But no one in the CamPound really cares enough to give him a heads-up on that, and he wanders away.
Now that one cast member has left, another may enter. Kevin comes in and says SamVid are in the RV and their dogs are back home. Why did they even bring them over in the first place? Maybe Kevin likes to bring them over and make them poop in the Camdens' backyard. Lucy asks where Savannah is, and Kevin looks panicked as he says, "Oh, no." He follows this with a dramatic pause while neither RevCam nor Lucy look concerned, then smiles and says she's with SamVid. Is that supposed to be reassuring, that Savannah is in an RV that smells like sex with two retarded children? Anyway, HA HA HA at your clever little joke, Kevbot. Lucy orders RevCam to tell Kevin his news, and Kevin thinks RevCam's instant cross-country trip is an awesome idea. This gets him yelled at by his shrew wife because she was actually telling Kevin to tell RevCam their special news. Before Kevin can do that, Lucy announces that she and Kevin are thinking about moving some place called "Crossroads," which sounds like a cult commune to me. Or a spin-off (shudder).
Annie comes downstairs as RevCam says the prospect of getting Lucy out of his thinning hair is "great news!" Annie agrees, and Lucy looks hurt. She was hoping her family wouldn't want her to leave. After eleven years, she still hasn't gotten the hint. Lucy says that if they do move to Crossroads ["so you won't be lonely, see you at the Crossroads (cross roads, crossroads), so you won't be lonely. And man I miss my uncle Charles, y'all!" -- Bone Thugs-N-Harmony], it will be at the end of this month, which means RevCam and Annie will have to be back from their insane road trip by then. Or not, as Annie says, "Yeah, well, they wanted to get someone younger to step in to run the church, so let them find someone." Meanwhile, I saw last week's episode right before this one, where the entire congregation sat in the church all day waiting to hear word about RevCam's heart condition and then they were all so happy when they found out he was okay. And he's just going to abandon them without even saying good-bye? Asshole. Not to mention that the very foundation of this show is RevCam's devotion to his family and the community he serves, and they're just going to crap all over it. Not like it hasn't been crapped all over before, but still.
Annie clownfaces that they're going on a "long vacation. Maybe even a permanent vacation!" Oh man, Annie's going to kill them all in their sleep, isn't she? She's been waiting a long time for this chance. Kevin's a little slow, so he asks if RevCam's "just gonna walk away from [his] church." "Oh, no, of course not, Kevin," RevCam says. "We're gonna drive away!" It'd be a funny line if it wasn't COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE. RevCam says he's going to "line up some guest speakers" at the church, and only when that list runs out will he tell the church officials he quit. I guess they won't notice that he doesn't live in town anymore and hasn't been to the office in months? And all the people who rely on RevCam's advice and presiding over their weddings and funerals won't notice either? Maybe he'll stick a life-size cardboard cutout of him in the office that's rigged up to cry. That should fool everyone. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if we're actually watching a life-size cardboard cutout of Stephen Collins right now while he's off working on real projects with Oscar winners. Annie encourages Lucy and Kevin to move to Crossroads, saying Kevin would love to be a sheriff of a small town and it would be "great for Lucy." She doesn't say how or why, though, so I think it's more that it would be great for Annie if her annoying daughter wasn't around so often. RevCam says that if Lucy and Kevin don't want to go to Crossroads, he and Annie might just drive up there and move there instead. Basically, they'll do whatever they can to make sure they're not living anywhere near Lucy and Kevin anymore. Kevin asks which one of them would be the sheriff, then. "Me!" Annie says, followed by "I'm kidding." Yeah, no shit, Annie. We all know what happened the last time you tried to break out of your happy housewife mold and get a job. You became a morals teacher for like two days and then quit and we never heard about it again. Annie says she's sure "Chief Michaels" "could be persuaded" to take the sheriff job in Crossroads so that their reign of terror and control over innocent townspeople could continue. Good for Sergeant Detective Captain Chief Michaels for getting another promotion. Too bad he's still under RevCam's thumb.
Lucy says RevCam has spent most of his life building the church and this community. She can't believe he'd want to leave it. "I'm free!" Stephen Collins says, and he's never looked happier. "And your mother's free! We're all free to decide whatever we want!" This script shows me that even Brenda Hampton hates Brenda Hampton. RevCam calls SamVid and Savannah in for a crap dinner of chicken soup and salad while something tragic happens to Annie's face. I think she's having a seizure! Someone help her -- oh, she's just winking. Never mind.
After the commercial, Lucy and Kevin return to their own home, where Lucy promptly pitches a fit about how her parents are nuts. Kevin says they're just as nuts, since they are also leaving Glenoak. Well, no, Kevin, actually -- you're leaving Glenoak for jobs and a place to raise your family and trying to be independent of your in-laws for the first time in your marriage. That's the opposite of nuts. What RevCam and Annie are doing, however, is nuts. "We are supposed to take off," says the girl who lives door to her parents and works for her father. Kevin doesn't pay any attention to Lucy's complaints, instead asking if she's eating again. "I'm hungry again," she pouts. Well, of course you are, Lucy. You had chicken broth and cucumbers for dinner. Kevin starts preparing some food for her, and Lucy says that if her parents leave, she wants to go with them. So much for all that crap she said about how they're "supposed" to take off. "I don't think we were asked," Kevin says. Lucy doesn't get the hint and says she can go ask them and invite herself. Yeah, just make sure you don't walk in on them having sex, not like you or they would care. So sad, Kevin asks Lucy about their big plans to move to Crossroads. Lucy says that they'll stop there in the RV. And if her parents decide to keep going, she'll go with them, "because that's my family." Holy CHRIST, Lucy. GROW UP. Clearly, your parents have no qualms about being away from you for an extended period of time, so why can't you tear yourself away from them? It's not like they're not even interesting or fun to be around.
Kevin gently reminds Lucy that he and Savannah are Lucy's family, too, and she has to think about them and how they'll feel crammed into an RV with a bunch of assholes for an indefinite amount of time. Plus, Lucy will want to be near a doctor since she's pregnant. Actually, we don't know for a fact Lucy is pregnant. Last week, she basically decided that she was pregnant and then said she didn't feel the need to verify this with a pregnancy test, because this show is apparently against those now, too. Lucy has a solution to this problem: they can invite the horrible Duff girl to go along with them and she'll bring her doctor fiancé with her! So that's four adults, two dogs, one innocent child, and a fetus that may be a figment of Lucy's imagination, all inviting themselves along for the ride? Kevin asks Lucy why anyone would want to travel with the CamFam. Lucy shrugs that the doctor loves that horrible Duff girl and she loves them, and all you need to go on a road trip with seven thousand people is love. I love my family as much as the person, but that's not enough for us to happily share an RV together. Once, when I was about eight or nine, we spent the night in one hotel room and that was enough. But maybe that's just my accursed lack of family values talking. The RV population grows by the second, as there's also that horrible Duff girl and Martin's son to bring along with them, as well as "the possibility of also picking up Simon." Yeah, I'd say that possibility is pretty darn slim. Simon is way too cool for you guys now. Lucy says that the RV sleeps eight, and between them and the CamRents, they have enough tents for everyone else. Because sleeping your pregnant self in a tent is really healthy. Not to mention sticking poor innocent Savannah out there. Although I think she's better off in a tent than inside that RV with seven other people, at least two of whom are having sex with each other all the time. While Savannah eats her hand off in an attempt to injure herself and get out of this nightmare road trip from hell, Lucy says she's sure that a doctor who just finished his residency will have nothing better to do than go on a road trip and be her own personal doctor for free. What fun for him.
What the hell is Mac still doing on this show? Does no one have any dignity? He's not even in the opening credits, and he still feels the need to come back whenever Brenda Hampton calls. He's looking doofier than ever as he walks right on into the CamPound with two old ladies, a blonde and a redhead. Apparently, T-Bag told them about RevCam and Annie's big vacation plans, and they want to know more about it, because they have no lives of their own. Seriously, if I found out some old couple I was loosely acquainted with was going on a road trip, I wouldn't care. I certainly wouldn't go over and bother them while they were trying to pack. The redhead asks RevCam where they're going. "North," RevCam says, vaguely gesturing in a northwest direction. I hope they go west enough that they fall into the Pacific Ocean and die. RevCam says they're heading for Simon's college to watch him graduate, a rather important appointment to keep that RevCam FORGOT ABOUT BECAUSE HE LEFT THE INVITATION IN A STACK OF UNREAD MAIL. And since I guess Simon hasn't spoken to him in years. How is it not a big deal when your kid graduates from college? Especially after the big fucking deal they made about Mary not going to college at all. RevCam says that Simon was too busy "finishing school" to remind his parents about his graduation, which obviously means that Simon hates them and made a concerted effort not to tell them about the graduation because he doesn't want them there. He is going to be so sad when they show up anyway, and in a giant RV bursting with random people. Poor, poor Simon.
The old ladies bombard RevCam with questions about what he's going to do after that and what he'll do with his possessions if he doesn't come back to Glenoak. RevCam just shrugs and says he doesn't care about possessions anymore since his miraculous heart disease recovery. Easy for him to say -- the church probably owns most of that shit anyway. Along those lines, RevCam says he's limiting his passengers to only one "small" suitcase and three things each to bring with them on the trip. That sucks for SamVid and Ruthie, who don't really have a choice about going on the trip or not. Basically, RevCam is telling them to choose three things they want to keep and abandon the rest, possibly forever. At this point, Mac and the blonde stop caring and leave the room to talk to T-Bag. T-Bag sucks, but I'd rather talk to him than RevCam, I guess.
The redhead decides to stay in the kitchen, where RevCam is looking through drawers for a road atlas. Because that's where I keep my atlas, right to the forks. RevCam says the last time he saw the atlas was when he took it out to "do some school stuff" with SamVid. You mean, homeschooling? You call that "stuff?" And you're using an out-of-date atlas to do it? Great. Those kids will surely thrive, their minds stuffed with knowledge. The redhead asks if RevCam is looking for something "spiritual" on this road trip, which he quickly denies, since everyone on this show hates god. Instead, RevCam says he's doing it because he can, and because he got the RV now and apparently it will turn back into a pumpkin if it isn't put to road-tripping use immediately. RevCam adds that his dad annoys him, except when he's giving him stuff. Then, RevCam says, "Father knows best." He quickly adds that that is a reference to an old TV show, but the redhead says she knows that, since she was fifty when that show first came on the air.
RevCam pulls his head out of his ass long enough to ask the redhead how she's doing. She says she's doing great since she got a letter in the mail accepting her into college with a scholarship. Wow, she'll be like that ninety-five-year-old woman who just got a degree. Knowing full well that it is totally thanks to him, RevCam says that he's sure this is no thanks to him. She reminds him that she didn't even apply to college -- RevCam did, and for the scholarship, without telling her. How nice of the controlling douchebag. The redhead thanks him and hugs him, not knowing what horrors await her at Crawford Clown College. She hugs him for a little too long, and then RevCam pushes her off and says that he doesn't know if he'll come back to Glenoak, but wherever he does end up, "we'll always take you with us--" and the redhead starts screaming and gets insanely excited thinking that RevCam has just invited her, Mac, and the blonde on the road trip, even though he clearly did not. And this is supposed to be someone who was smart enough to get a scholarship? She runs upstairs to tell everyone the "good" news and RevCam finishes his sentence: "--in our hearts." And then he shrugs and says whatever, since it's no big deal to take orphaned teenagers with you on a random cross-country road trip.
RevCam finally finds the atlas in a kitchen cabinet. He pulls it out and notes that it's from 1996 and "a little dusty." Dusty, but from a simpler time. A more innocent time. A time when going out for ice cream didn't mean stalking your kids, when family entertainment didn't consist of kids watching their parents have sex, and when David Gallagher had hopes and dreams for his career. The blonde girl comes downstairs and asks RevCam if he's really taking them with him on the road trip. "I suppose you could come," RevCam says, i.e., "I don't want you to come, but I don't have the balls to say no, so please take the hint." The blonde says that she has her apartment and her job to deal with, so she can't pick up and leave. RevCam sarcastically says that it's impossible to get out of obligations like that; like, maybe you're asshole enough to pick up and leave your home and job, but that doesn't mean everyone else is, RevCam. Oh, no, wait -- everyone on this show is an asshole, so the blonde makes sure they can store their crap in the CamPound while they're gone, and that's that. Never mind that both the job and the apartment were things RevCam got for her and were supposed to be her big chance at a prosperous life. No, she'd much rather go back to living in a car. Whatever.
The blonde says she got a "strange call" from her mother yesterday. Hmm, yes, I'm guessing it's something along the lines of "I've hired a deprogrammer and he's coming for you. Soon we will get our darling daughter home and back to us and away from that CamCult. Stay strong!" Actually, her mother was apologizing and informing her that she's entered rehab since her boyfriend was arrested for violating his parole stemming from his arrest for being addicted to prescription drugs. That's an arrestable offense in Glenoak, apparently. Out of nowhere, RevCam starts speechifying about the evils of prescription drugs, and I'm going to transcribe it here for you, because why the hell not? It's the last PSA he'll ever deliver: "I guess 'prescription' makes it all better. Illegal drugs or legal drugs found illegally -- it's all the same. Addicts are addicts. But maybe he'll get some help now." Okay, well, that's a little bit ignorant -- some people who would never do illegal drugs get hooked on prescription drugs they're supposed to take for a real illness. The addiction is the same, but the reasons behind it are different. It's sort of like saying that regardless of whether you had sex consensually or got raped, you're still not a virgin and therefore an evil doer of premarital sex...although, now that I think about it, that may very well have already happened on this show. I wouldn't put it past them. Anyway, the blonde is falling asleep, so RevCam wraps it up and says they've got boxes in the garage, and the blonde can help herself to whatever she needs to pack her stuff. The blonde asks if they're still considered "guests" in the CamPound. RevCam says they're "extended family" now, whoever they are. The blonde shows off her new familiar relationship with RevCam by kissing him on the cheek and putting her hand on his chest.
RevCam heads upstairs, where he runs into Mac, who asks if he can drive the RV. RevCam says Annie's actually the only one who knows how to drive one, since they test drove some over the summer when they were thinking about getting away. Mac asks why they didn't then, and RevCam says it was a "last-minute decision" and "fate" and "it wouldn't have been the right time." Meanwhile, Everwood and fans of quality television are like, "Yeah, thanks, fate." Mac says they don't have much money, but he does have a Dopey-style soul patch, so RevCam says they'll manage. Mac says he and the redhead will be joining the CamFam, then, and RevCam quickly asks if they're "dating." "We're not sleeping together, if that's what you're asking," Mac says. "I was asking," RevCam says, with no shame. He asks Mac if he's in love with the redhead. Mac says he thinks he might be. From out of nowhere, the redhead screams and comes running out into the hall, all exited that a doofy guy with bad hair might love her. RevCam leaves to check on T-Bag.
T-Bag wins a little bit of like from me when the first thing he does is laugh at RevCam for going on a road trip with so many people. Then T-Bag adds that his road trip will be "on the back of a bike with an inexperienced dentist who thinks he could be my dad." That is a recipe for disaster, unless the dentist has a sidecar, in which case it's a recipe for ridiculousness. And disaster. RevCam encourages this by saying he thinks the guy is T-Bag's father. T-Bag says the guy seems "like a decent kinda family guy." You know, one of those family guys with an eighteen-year-old boy running around thinking he might be his son. T-Bag says there aren't many decent family guys left out there, except for RevCam, of course. RevCam tries not to look too pleased with himself and asks who's working at Flicks tonight, as it apparently only employs T-Bag and Mac to work the ticket booth during its showings of stupid cartoons. T-Bag says Flicks is closed due to "technical problems," i.e., he burned the place down. Apparently, Ruthie works there as well now, since she's one of the only CamKids to work during high school. Good for her. RevCam asks where Ruthie is if she isn't at work or home, realizing a good several hours after the fact that Ruthie is missing, and T-Bag says that she's talking to Martin and has a surprise for RevCam and Annie when she gets home. T-Bag is under orders not to tell them what it is, though. We go to commercial with RevCam standing around making a stupid facial expression.
Unlike in the last series finale, Martin actually gets to make an appearance. He's sitting in the car with Ruthie, who's trying to convince him that he's not in love with her. Damn right he isn't! She looks ten! Gross, Martin. Martin says that Ruthie's wanted to go out with him all this time, and now that he finally wants to go out with her, she's already found someone else. Sucks to be you, Martin. Sucks to be Ruthie too, as she reveals that she can't dump T-Bag for Martin because she HAS T-BAG'S NAME TATTOOED ON HER BACK. Apparently, this was the subject of an episode this season where it was revealed that all the Camdens had secret tattoos, including Annie and RevCam. And RevCam's tattoo was a cross on his hip, which is a such girly place to put a tattoo. SamVid don't have tattoos yet, unless you count the time when they drew moustaches on their faces with permanent marker. "Why'd you do that?" Martin snaps, disgusted, reminding us all what a self-righteous prick he is. You know what's more permanent that a tattoo, Martin? Having a child with the horrible Duff girl. Ruthie just says it was a stupid mistake and she did it on an impulse. And she wants to be with T-Bag for the rest of their lives, even though, as Martin points out, T-Bag's mother is a "you know." Actually, I don't know. And no one's going to tell me. The only time on this show when some exposition would come in handy, and there is none. Ruthie says that it makes T-Bag even better, since he treats her so well after the way he was raised. Martin asks Ruthie if she's still planning to go to Scotland after she graduates. She says that if she does, T-Bag will go with her. He loves Scotland, she says, even though I doubt he's ever been there. Beyond the kilts and the cool accents, there's bad weather and haggis. It takes some getting used to. Ruthie says that she wants to travel the world with T-Bag. Just don't cross the border, Ruthie, because I have a feeling you'll have a hard time getting back in. Martin says he hopes to find a woman who feels that way about him someday. They hug and say good-bye. Whatever.
RevCam and Annie are throwing packed bags on the kitchen floor when Ruthie finally comes home and wonders where they're planning to go. If I were her, I'd suspect that my family had seized the opportunity of my not being around and was trying to move out before I got home. Of course, if I were Ruthie, I would have run away from the CamPound a long time ago. Annie tells Ruthie about how THE COLONEL gave them an RV and they're going to take it to parts unknown tomorrow. Now, here is an example of exposition we don't need. I could have been hearing about what T-Bag's mother is, but instead I'm hearing about the road trip for fifteenth time as if it's ever going to make more sense to me. "Fun!" Ruthie says, asking if she can go with them. Is she being sarcastic? She sounds a little sarcastic. RevCam notices that Ruthie smiling, and Annie says she's happy that Ruthie wants to go with them, because it's all about Annie. T-Bag comes downstairs, and I can't believe the CamRents would let him live with them while he's dating their daughter. They just don't even care anymore, do they? T-Bag asks for a ride to Santa Barbara to meet his child molester -- I mean, "possible father." RevCam says yes, but repeats his stupid "one small suitcase and three personal items" rule.
Ruthie and T-Bag immediately find a way around the rules by getting their cell phones and chargers to count as one item instead of two. And now that that's settled, RevCam asks Ruthie what her surprise is. She says that "apparently, [she's] graduated from high school" a year early. While RevCam and Annie look on with dumbfounded expressions on their faces, Ruthie says that between her summer school classes and all the classes she took in Scotland, she accumulated enough credits to graduate. Um...yeah. There are so many things wrong with this, but I'm not going to waste my time pointing them out to you. It's ridiculous, and I know it, you know it, and the writers and actors on this show probably know it. Moving on, Ruthie says she can take a bunch of filler classes for her senior year or just go onto college, even though she hasn't applied for any yet and it's May. Annie frets that Ruthie's been "cheated" out of her senior year of high school. Ruthie says she hasn't, because it's not like she had any friends there anyway, and now she and T-Bag can go to college together! "We'll see," Annie says. "I'll take it!" Ruthie says. Dumb-ass. Everyone knows the best year of school is your senior year of high school when you don't have to do work anymore and you have your driver's license. Ruthie hugs Annie, who just says "wow" while RevCam nods at T-Bag. I guess I wouldn't expect them to have much more of a reaction to their daughter's sudden high school graduation considering how they almost forgot about Simon's college one.
Meanwhile, Lucy is still planning to go in the RV with her parents without telling them. The horrible Duff girl and her stupid Martin spawn son are also packing to go, and Kevin mentions that Lucy might want to ask her parents before inviting the entire town to go with them. Kevin decides to play Debbie Downer and wonders whether RevCam's sudden impulsive decision-making is the result of his magical terminal disease cure or whether RevCam lied about being cured and is still dying and this is his last hurrah. As long as it involves the RV and the city's worth of people inside it going over a cliff and towards a certain doom, I am all for this. Lucy won't believe that her father lied to the entire family about his heart, but Kevin points out that he lied when he tried to conceal it from them all in the first place. And no one talked to RevCam's doctors except RevCam himself. Beverley Mitchell tries really hard to act as Kevin says that they should just go along with whatever RevCam wants and not ask questions about it. "Why didn't we ever question this before?" Lucy asks, finally realizing that RevCam's dream last week about his heart being magically cured does not necessarily mean his heart is magically cured. Which means she might want to get a pregnancy test done before she forces the horrible Duff girl's gyno fiancé to go in the RV with them. Kevin and Lucy decide that if RevCam is lying to everyone, he must have a really good reason to, and Kevin says they should just think good thoughts and figure that RevCam is fine. And that's probably how it's going to stay, since we're thirty-seven minutes into the episode and it's a little late to start a major plot point now.
When we return, Lucy has just told her dad that she's going to accompany him on his cross-country journey. RevCam has no problem with that, so long as some of them ride in the minivan with Mac, the blonde, and the redhead. Lucy says that's fine, and RevCam makes sure she knows to observe his stupid "three items" rule. Lucy says that she has a two-and-a-half-year-old and therefore might need a special exception. RevCam will not give it to her. So Lucy realizes this is sheer insanity and tells him to fuck off and goes back to her house and lives her own life with her own family. Actually, she agrees to the rule, thrilled when RevCam tells her that cell phones and chargers count as one item. "This is gonna be...exciting!" Lucy says. "Yeah, life is exciting," RevCam replies. "YEAH!" Lucy shouts. I wonder if, at some point, this script was a work of literary genius and then it got run through the Babelfish English-to-retard translator. RevCam detects sadness behind Lucy's smile, but she tries to deny she's upset. He thinks (hopes) that she doesn't actually want to go on the trip with them, but she says she wants to, and she is. After more back-and-forth talk that goes nowhere, Lucy finally sucks it up and asks her dad what's wrong with him. He says he's fine and wouldn't lie to the entire community about his heart. But when she asks him to swear on it, he just smiles and says he doesn't like to swear. Unlike Annie, who early this season said "my ass." Can you believe that? But she did! RevCam wonders why people can't believe good news. I'm guessing it's because we're so used to getting great news about a terrible show being cancelled, only to be crushed with disappointment when the show comes back for another season.
Meanwhile, Kevin wants the horrible Duff girl to ask her doctor boyfriend to ask RevCam's doctor if he's dying or not. The horrible Duff girl is worried that she'll put her relationship with her new fiancé in jeopardy by doing this, but Kevin doesn't really care. Just to be even more of an asshole, he says he doesn't "get" why a man would want to be a gynecologist and would prefer it if Lucy saw a female. First of all, isn't your brother-in-law a male gynecologist? And second, Kevin had better not drag some innocent woman gynecologist onto the RV with the rest of them. Lucy walks in to make sure that the horrible Duff girl will do her bidding. The horrible Duff girl again says that it's a lot for them to ask of her, and they again don't care. Kevin says that he knows someone else who might know something about RevCam's heart, but he won't say anything more about it when asked. Which is fine with me, because I don't care. He leaves. Lucy reminds the horrible Duff girl about the stupid "three items" rule (a cell phone and charger count as one item!) that is freaking dominating this episode, then graciously thanks her for putting her engagement in jeopardy because Lucy doesn't trust her own father to tell her whether or not he's dying. What family values! The horrible Duff girl weighs in on the RV trip: "It's almost like we got sucked into some black hole." Preach it, horrible Duff girl! Keep talking sense like that and I might drop the "horrible" from your name. Horrible Duff girl adds that it feels like they've been "called" by some strange force to go on this road trip, "whether it really makes any sense or not." The answer is "not," and the only reason why you were called for this journey is that Barry Watson, Jessica Biel, and David Gallagher wisely refused to answer their phones. Instead of getting the hint that the horrible Duff girl does not want to go on this trip at all, Lucy just says she can use that speech in a sermon somewhere, as it's true Camden style to throw some boring nonsensical speech into a sermon and then make your eyes glisten with tears while you deliver it.
RevCam comes to say good-night to Ruthie, who is packing away. He says he'll see her in the morning. "Not if I see you first!" she says. Hopefully, she means that she'll see him when she's hovering over his sleeping form with a butcher knife. RevCam gets a little too personal with his daughter, asking if she's really in love with T-Bag. She says she is. "He's a good guy, that T-Bone," RevCam says. Dude. His name is T-Bone. I still can't believe that. With bedroom eyes, Ruthie says that girls who have good relationships with their fathers choose good guys as husbands. Ruthie, don't...don't look for similarities between your boyfriend and your dad. Even if those similarities are there, don't bring them up. Your father and your boyfriend serve very different purposes, and never the twain shall meet, okay? RevCam pretends to be upset that Ruthie is already thinking in terms of marriage at such a young age, saying he thought she'd be the one child who waited until she was the old-ass age of thirty before getting married. Ruthie takes this to mean that RevCam knows a secret of Simon's, most likely that he went and got married to some random girl we'll never meet because college guys are always on the verge of getting married to girls. Or maybe Simon's planning on coming out when his family meets him. It would be just like this show to get cancelled right before it finally addressed the issue of homosexuality. "Ah, God, Ruthie, I love you," RevCam says, with more passion that he's ever had for Annie. She says she loves him, too, and finally that awkward scene can end.
SamVid may look older, but they're still as retarded as ever! When RevCam comes to tuck them in, they're jumping in their beds because Annie told them to get their energy out before they get in the RV tomorrow. RevCam makes them sit down and pick out the three things they're going to take with them because he is obsessed with that stupid rule. He says they can burn off mental energy that way. The twins don't understand this concept, as they have nothing mental to burn. "When you think, what do you think about?" they ask RevCam. They don't even know how to think. Those poor kids. RevCam answers with a terrifying journey into his mind as he details his daily thoughts. He wakes up and thinks about what a good day he's going to have and all the things he wants to happen and what he's going to do to make them happen. Once the bribe money has been doled out to SergeantDetectiveCaptainChief Michaels, and with "life's help" (because we can mention God when it's to profess our undying love for Ruthie, but not if it's in any way related to something a minister would actually say), RevCam accomplishes these things and then goes to bed and thinks about how happy he is to be alive. And then he says a little prayer. Always thinking of God last, is RevCam. SamVid ask him if he knows the "now I lay me down to sleep" prayer, reciting it in unison. RevCam actually does know of this prayer, although he couldn't spell Jesus right without a few hints! Vid says that the prayer is "terrifying." Especially when delivered in unison from the mouths of zombie children. RevCam asks them what prayer they do say, then, and it's pretty much inexcusable that a MINISTER would not be a part of his kids' nightly prayers. In fucking unison, they say they ask God not to kill anyone in their sleep and to bless everyone in the world and all the animals. RevCam smiles as if this were entertaining, then says he likes that prayer. They say good-night and that they love him. RevCam makes sure to keep the closet light on.
RevCam finally gets into bed, only to get tackled from behind by Annie, who was lying in wait for him. She says she can't wait for the trip and she's really happy. But she doesn't know what to do with their mail. Instead of doing something smart and logical like having it held at the post office, RevCam suggests asking Martin's soldier daddy to bring their mail in for the foreseeable future. Annie says that it'll be awkward asking Martin's dad for favors after their daughter rejected his son, but that's not going to stop her. RevCam asks about the newspaper, and Annie says she already called to cancel it and "followed it up with an email," grinning insanely. RevCam is worried about money, but Annie says that she ran through the house and found plenty of money an ATM cards they can use. Now all that's left is to fix the fence and get the RV back into the driveway. "I got a guy," Annie says. But he's a surprise. Tonight, they say good-night and kiss, which would be romantic if it wasn't RevCam and Annie and Annie didn't keep her freaking eyes open the whole time.
Exterior CamPound. It's not looking like a home that's ready for its occupants to leave, with all the flowers in the front porch that will need watering. I guess Martin's dad is going to be taking care of that as well. Maybe he'll finally move those bikes and the Fisher Price car into the garage once and for all. SamVid report downstairs wearing dorky matching outfits. Annie asks them what they’re bringing, saying that RevCam is "tighter than airport security" about making sure everyone brought only three items (a cell phone and a charger count as one item). Maybe they can get a date out of it though, since that's one thing airport security is good for on this show! SamVid have packed ridiculously, and produce a sock each, saying they'll take turns wearing the pair. Annie says clothes don't count as items. "They're socks," Vid "explains." Sigh. I see those kids still haven't quite grasped the concept of underwear. And Annie still hasn't learned that her kids are total morons, so she dares to ask what else they brought as their items. Vid brought an extra pair of underwear, while Sam brought his swimsuit, hoping to use as it either underwear or a swimsuit, depending on the situation. Wow, great thinking there, Sam. I see homeschool has taught you some great problem-solving skills, if not the definition of "clothes." Annie gently reminds them that they can pack all that stuff in their small suitcase, then wonders what they did pack in the bags Annie put in the RV. "Candy," they say. Annie, why didn't you check the bags before you put them in the RV? Honestly, what were you expecting?
Annie gets an angry expression on her face and lowers herself to the kids' level, telling them to think of three items each (a cell phone and charger count as one item) they would want with them forever. Meanwhile, Annie will help them pack their clothes. SamVid run away, so Ruthie and T-Bag enter. Annie reminds them of the three items rule in case anyone forgot in the past five seconds (a cell phone and charger count as one item), and they say they're ready to go. "THEN LET'S DO IT!" Annie frantically exclaims.
And so we head into a music montage (to "I'll Fly Away," not like it matters) of everyone lined up outside the RV with their three items (a cell phone and charger count as one item). RevCam stands at the head of the line and does not die of a heart attack as he inspects everyone's stuff. Wow, this certainly is the culmination of RevCam's nosy stalkerness and everything else he’s stood for over the last eleven seasons, having the entire cast line up outside a home he didn’t pay for to enter after a thorough inspection of their meager belongings.
Mac is bringing a cell phone (I don't see a charger, but it would count as one item with the cell phone, FYI) and what appear to be blankets.
The redhead is bringing a book by Fannie Flagg, whom I will always love from Match Game, pencils, and a journal that RevCam makes sure to flip through. It's empty, much to his disappointment. Meanwhile, that's a box of pencils the redhead is bringing. Shouldn't one pencil be one item? And would a pencil sharper and pencil count as one item, like the cell phone and charger? And why isn't she just using a pen like an adult already?
The blonde is bringing the most inappropriate items she can: a plant that looks half-dead and hopefully blossoms with all the pot she used to smoke before RevCam got a hold of her, a giant surfboard for what has to be the sole purpose of making an already crammed RV even tighter, and Valley of the Dolls. RevCam grabs the book from her, opens it up to a random section, and reads three words before slamming the book shut, scandalized. He won't even look at the blonde when he ushers her into the RV. Judging from what I've seen of the blonde so far, I'd like to believe that she's going on this trip to sabotage it and making everyone's lives miserable. She seems cool like that.
The Duff girl is bringing a Bible, hair curlers, and a teddy bear. I don't know what her son is bringing, nor do I care. I can't believe they're making me watch this. And then music just drones on and on.
Vid is bringing a baseball, an Etch-A-Sketch, and an 8x10 glossy photo of Angelina Jolie. Way to assert your heterosexuality there, Vid, but don't get your hopes up too high: Angie doesn't adopt white children.
Sam is bringing a Swiss Army Knife, a bag of either rocks or marbles, and a necklace. RevCam is still going through the motions of inspecting each item individually and approving it with a thumbs-up.
Savannah continues to be the cutest thing ever. They actually let her stand and walk this time, and RevCam inspects her dolls and stuffed animals while she shoots him a look of pure disdain. Her third item is a small Statue of Liberty figurine, which I would have thought would be too pointy for a kid so young, but I do like that it symbolizes a future for Savannah where she escapes the RV and moves in with Mary in New York City, home of the truly free.
T-Bag is bringing a huge metal flashlight. RevCam is confused and initially thinks it's a bat, because he's a fucking dumb-ass. Flashlights don't look like baseball bats. Ever. I hope that flashlight has some good heft to it, though, as T-Bag is going to need a weapon to fend off the advances of his inexperienced dentist rapist and/or father. T-Bag is also bringing a first aid kit and a motorcycle helmet.
Ruthie is bringing The Da Vinci Code, a cell phone (and charger, I assume -- that counts as one item), and breath spray. At least, I'm assuming it's breath spray since RevCam rudely takes it upon himself to spray a nice big dose into his mouth. Judging by his inability to tell a bat and a flashlight apart, it might very well be bug spray. I hope so.
Kevin's . As RevCam so helpfully points out to us, he's bringing a cell phone (but is he bringing a charger? And if so, would that count as two items? I just don't know! I hate it when series finales leave loose ends like this), what looks like a huge jug of water but I hope for his sake is vodka, and a paper bag full of money. ["Wait, money counts as one of your items? And nobody else brought any? I guess that would be the vow of poverty." -- Miss Alli]
Lucy is bringing her wedding photo album, a fishing rod, and a stupid bracelet. I just remembered that this time during the last series finale, Lucy announced she was pregnant with twins. While Matt and Mary apparently had their twins off-camera, Lucy miscarried both of hers, and I'm sure that storyline was done with the stellar acting and compassionate storytelling we've all come to expect from this show.
There's a shot of Happy sitting outside the RV with a bone in her mouth. I haven't see her go into the RV yet, so let's hope she's left behind with Martin's dad. And with Martin, who apparently pissed off Brenda something fierce and went from being the best kid in the whole wide world to a total loser deadbeat dad and the only person in town who doesn't get to travel in the RV.
Annie is bringing a toolbox (hey, remember when this show had that one progressive thing about Annie and Lucy being good with tools?), a shitty scrapbook with pictures of the original cast in it, which I thought was sweet, and I do appreciate Brenda exercising some self-control and not blurring Mary's face in the photos. Annie's third item is a bottle of champagne wrapped in a yellow bag. She nods her head in the other direction with a sly look on her face, so I'm guessing they're going off to have some family fun sex. But no, she leads him to the back of the RV, where someone has written "7th Heaven" on the bus's ass, a perfect place for it indeed. She hands RevCam the champagne, and he christens the RV. The look of pure joy on Catherine Hicks's and Stephen Collins's faces as they realize that yes, they are finally free from this fucking show is a sight to behold. As usual, Catherine Hicks' smile is so broad it might very well be in the black hole the Duff girl feared they were all driving into.
Their hug is broken up by a voice, and a black man appears out of nowhere. Wow, John Hamilton got old. No, Annie introduces him as Stanley, but apparently, RevCam and regular viewers of this show have met him before. I went back and watched those episodes, and it turns out that Stanley is a homeless alcoholic smoker ex-drug addict who eats garbage and steals people's clothes. No, really. But now he told Annie that he can fix the fence and help get the RV on the road, so she leaves him with RevCam, who has decided that Stanley is some kind of messenger from the God RevCam loves so much that he abandoned doing his work the second he recovered from his terminal illness. Stanley tells RevCam to let him travel with them, saying he can cook and clean and set up camp, Massa! Stanley promises that if RevCam does everything Stanley says, he'll be just fine. RevCam decides that makes sense to him, and that the best way to keep one's family and young children safe from harm is to invite a homeless Magical Black Man who we know for a fact steals from people and drinks cheap whiskey onto the RV with them. God, I hope he steals SamVid's Swiss Army Knife and slashes them all to pieces in their sleep. Except for RevCam, who has already died of a heart attack by this point (he was lying to his family about being healed after all) and has been stuffed in the RV's shower stall for safekeeping.
Even though Annie's supposed to be the one who knows how to drive the RV, it's RevCam who gets in the driver's seat and buckles up. He turns the key, and the camera pans to the side mirror, where RevCam's tired old reflection stares back at him, and Stephen Collins should get an Emmy for managing to look sort of sad about leaving this show behind him. RevCam puts his foot on the gas, and accidentally puts the car in reverse instead of drive. Startled, he jerks the steering wheel, sending the RV flying back into the garage. The garage apartment, already of questionable stability to begin with, collapses on top of the RV. Happy grabs Savannah and drags her through an open window. They survive with nary a scratch. Meanwhile, RevCam grabs the steering wheel and yanks it in the other direction, overcorrecting and sending what's left of the RV into the CamPound. Crash! He hits a support beam that was keeping the entire house up and it implodes in on itself and the RV, which burst into flames. Right before it explodes, we see Stanley throwing his head back and laughing, surrounded by flames, eating RevCam's crappy heart that he pulled out of RevCam's chest with his bare hands. The RV explodes, taking the CamPound with it. The camera zooms out to an aerial shot of Glenoak, where a large mushroom cloud rises up from the former CamPound residence. We cut to an exterior shot of the church, and the mushroom cloud can also be seen there on the horizon. A crowd has gathered outside the church. We recognize the smiling faces in it. It's all the people the Camdens have fucked over in the last eleven years. Too many of them to mention. But they're there, every last one of them. And is that the ghost of Annie's dad I see hovering just above them as we fade to black?
For the last time on this show, and hopefully in television history, Executive Producer: Brenda Hampton pops onto the screen. This is followed by "in memory of Aaron Spelling," and this will be the last television show produced by his company. What did he do to deserve a send-off like that? What did any of us do? But now it's over. If you really hate yourself, you can catch this show in syndication. Tell the "Annie admits to smoking pot" episode I said hi, would you?