The announcer is promising us that this is the "last episode ever of 7th Heaven," and I have to say, I don't think I've ever heard that guy sound so happy. I just hope he's true to his word and this show doesn't get renewed like the rumors are saying it might. I'm going to operate on the assumption that this is truly the last episode of this show and drink a half-beer in proper celebration.
We open on an exterior shot of the CamPound. I almost missed that place during my season away from this show. Almost. RevCam watches two random guys walk through his kitchen and comments to Annie that it looks like the wedding is still on. Either that, or Annie isn't even trying to be secretive about the other men in her life anymore. Annie just says that she doesn't know about the wedding, but the caterers are going through with it whether there is one or not. Great business plan. "So, either way, you don't have to cook!" RevCam says. "Oh, that's right," Annie responds, trying to look happy about the removal of her life's purpose. She urges RevCam not to worry and to take Simon and Rose's recent fight in stride; it's common for couples to fight right before their wedding. Matt and PC, she reminds him, didn't have the easiest of trips to the altar. RevCam asks if she means their real one or the one they "helped to pay for" because Matt and PC lied to them about actually being married. I guess time, RevCam and Annie, you won't waste the little money you have on the wedding of one of your many, many children and instead let the bride's rich parents pay for it, as tradition dictates. Better yet, you won't raise kids who all want to get married before the age of 10 so badly that they run off with the first person they find.
RevCam changes the subject to his only obedient child, Lucy, and asks Annie if she's heard about the sex of Lucy and Kevin's baby. Aw, crap, they're having another baby? Does the world need that? Apparently, Kevin really wants to have a boy. Therefore, I'm hoping they'll be having a girl. Annie says she's sure Kevin will be happy with a healthy baby, boy or girl. "Of course, but what he really wants is a healthy baby boy," RevCam says condescendingly. And then Annie and RevCam run out of things to talk about and just stare around the room blankly until RevCam starts wondering if Matt and PC are expecting a child based on how they've been avoiding the family lately. I don't think people need an excuse to stay away from these people, but if I was pregnant and my parents were the CamRents, I would sure as hell be as far away from them as possible. RevCam's logic does make sense. "I really doubt that PC would want to be pregnant for her first year of residency," Annie sing-songs. By the way, Annie has had at least two unplanned children. Three, if you count the offspring of her long-forgotten affair with Captain Michaels.
Simon comes down the stairs and announces that his wedding is definitely on, and he apologizes for the fight everyone witnessed last night in another episode I sure as hell won't be watching. Because Annie's obsessed with her children having babies today, she asks Simon if Rose is pregnant. He says she isn't, but that her bitchy attitude yesterday was "hormonal." Which I'm guessing means that Rose got her period, like, last night and that she and Simon are in for some super-fun honeymoon times. Simon tries to convince himself that he wants to be with Rose for the rest of his life, and leaves his parents to stare around the kitchen until RevCam enters flashback mode. He remembers all the way back to the pilot episode when Simon sat in the attic waiting for the dog he prayed for to come. Of all the scenes they had to choose from in ten seasons of this show, this was the best they could come up with? Are they telling us that RevCam thinks of Rose as the dog that Simon always wanted? How rude.
When we finally leave the flashback, we're stuck on RevCam's stupid face, his jaw hanging open as he remembers. "I don't think he knows what he wants," he says out of nowhere. That doesn't even make sense; Simon wanted a dog and then he got a dog. "Neither does she," Annie says of Rose, even though we're probably supposed to hate her.
The entire Camden family made it back for the open credits! Even Mary, although she still doesn't get to be ahead of David Gallagher. She does get to be ahead of Beverley Mitchell, though, who has been on this show for its entire run and is still totally unimportant. There's no Martin to be seen, although there is some horrible Duff girl. ["The Amazing Robbie wasn't sprung from reha-- er, 'dug out of mothballs' for this shindig? Outrage!" -- Sars] And Happy finishes it off with a shot of her eating an American flag in a decidedly anti-American statement. I'd hate America too if the Camdens were all I knew of it.
Well, the Opening Credits Timewaster still sucks, despite a full-fledged effort by the Guitars of Fun! to jazz it up. Matt "Where's My Hairline?" Camden sneaks into the house, his hair as greasy as ever, and immediately sets about raiding the CamFridge, where he finds all the ingredients for a sandwich waiting for him to steal them. He hurriedly makes what appears to be a roast beef sandwich with a disgusting amount of mayonnaise on it. He was going to put some cheese on it as well, but had to reject that after an overreaction to a whiff of it shows us that the cheese has gone off. I'm sure that won't stop him from sticking it back in the fridge for someone else to enjoy, however. He should have rejected the cheese because eating beef and cheese together is incredibly not kosher, but I can't expect this show to care about Jewish customs when it can barely keep track of Christian ones. Sandwich finished, Matt leaves everything out on the counter for someone else to clean up and tries to escape the house, but he's stopped by RevCam, who sneaks up behind him like the creepy stalker he has always been.
Instead of going into what would have been an awesome flashback montage of Matt stealing the house RevCam's church collection plate paid for, he just says he's pleased and surprised to see his son here. He demands to see PC as well, but Matt won't let RevCam see PC until he sees his mother, leading to a incredibly stupid stand-off that fortunately ends quickly with both PC and Annie entering the kitchen at the same time. We see that the reason why Matt wanted both of his parents to be present when they saw PC for the first time is that she is hugely pregnant. So it was really important for Matt that his parents both find out about this at the same time, and yet not important enough for him to actually tell them, like, when he found out about it in the first place? Annie's reaction to the news is, of course, some horrible, eardrum-piercing shrieking and a series of facial expressions that make you wish your eyes had been pierced as well. Surely the baby heard this inside the womb and has just made the decision never to leave its safe confines. RevCam helps himself to feeling up PC's belly while pronouncing this a "very good surprise."
Matt says that he didn't think he and PC should come across the country for the wedding, what with them graduating from med school tomorrow and PC being so pregnant, but PC insisted that it would be really crappy of them to miss it. That, and PC doesn't have any other acting jobs lined up and really needs the cash right now. As for Barry Watson, he is the titular character in another series but still must appear on this show because he signed a pact with the devil (a.k.a. Brenda Hampton) that will never let him leave this show behind him. RevCam nosily asks Matt and PC what the sex of their baby is, and Matt answers that, according to Jewish tradition, they don't even know it. "We do too!" PC squeals. Yeah, fuck Jewish tradition! Matt says they'll tell them later. They're going to watch the wedding and then take the red-eye home to New York for their med school graduation tomorrow that none of the Camdens care enough to actually go see. RevCam rubs his hands together at the thought of the Drs. Camden, but PC reminds him that she'll actually be Dr. Glass since she doesn't go by her married name. RevCam says that's fine with him, but you know that it totally isn't.
Annie changes the topic of conversation to something more unpleasant, that being her anger with the couple for eloping and lying about it to everyone. PC says that she didn't check with Matt before telling Ruthie to go ahead and finally tell everyone the truth, so Matt is angry with her about that, too. Well, if he felt that strongly about it, then I guess he should have told his parents the truth and not acted like a stubborn child about it. Sure enough, Matt says that, if left to his own devices, he "would've kept lying to [the CamRents] for the rest of [his] life!" What an honest and God-fearing young man the CamRents raised! They decide to chalk this up to Matt and PC being "young and crazy" because they like Matt and PC. When Mary does things that are young and crazy, they chalk that up to her being evil and bad and wrong and send her to Buffalo. Matt says that he and his wife are tired, and Annie offers them the garage apartment. "I fixed it all up…in case somebody needed it!" she says, punctuating the statement with a double fist-pump and her trademark rictus. RevCam has a crazy idea of his own: how about Matt and PC don't tell anyone that they're in town and walk in the church and surprise everyone with their presence, and also detract from the attention the bride and groom should be getting on their special day. "Perfect!" PC rasps. She and Matt leave the house, and RevCam stares off into space for a while.
He flashes back to scene that is illegal fun for the whole family: the time when Mary asked Matt for make-out tips and begged him to kiss her. They would have kissed, too, if RevCam hadn't come outside to take out the trash and interrupted them. The Guitar of Flowers in the Attic plays us back to the present as Annie brings RevCam out of his flashback mode by saying she knows he's thinking about the time when Matt and Mary almost made out. For her to be so on point with that guess, I'm thinking that she catches RevCam thinking about that a lot. Me, I would have found a way to block that out of my mind by now. But the Camdens like to cherish these precious incest moments. "Maybe that's where she took a left turn," RevCam muses; "I always thought it was trashing the gym, but you know, her troubles are really more about the opposite sex." Yes, well, when that member of the opposite sex is your brother, then I can see how you'd turn out a little weird. "Mary's just Mary," Annie says. I'd like to think she was saying "Mary's just merry," as in Mary is really happy with life now that she is out of the Camden Clutches. RevCam keeps talking shit about Mary until Annie reminds him that they're about to be grandparents of a half-Jew, so maybe they should try to be happy about that. She hugs him with a big ol' grin on her face. She's been taking some serious uppers since I stopped watching this show.
SamVid come downstairs dressed for the wedding and wearing Snidely Whiplash moustaches on their faces that Ruthie apparently drew on them last week. Of course, it's too early for them to be wearing their wedding outfits, but since they haven't gotten smarter than the last time I watched this show, at which point they weren't any smarter than the day they came out of Annie's tired old womb, this shouldn't surprise you. I don't think they've gotten a haircut since then, either. Poor, neglected children. They tell Annie that they can't get their moustaches off, speaking in that most annoying manner where they finish each other's sentences. They still speak like three-year-olds, too. Enjoy this last moment in front of the cameras, Brinos, for I doubt you'll ever experience it again. Annie starts to make an angry face that the twins will ruin Simon's wedding, but that quickly changes to bafflement as she wonders how her twins could have so many mental problems this whole time without her noticing.
Meanwhile, a slightly younger, but no less puffy, Oliver Platt look-alike is telling that Rose girl that if she has any doubts about marrying Simon when she's at the altar, she should send him a signal and he'll jump up and rescue her and they'll live happily ever after. His name is "Umberto," by the way. Honestly, if they're going to cast someone who can't act for shit, couldn't they at least make him attractive? Is it really that hard to do? Rose laughs that she won't be doing that, and she sure knows how to let a guy down easy, doesn't she? Umberto tells her to whistle, and she physically pushes him out of her room so she can get ready for her wedding. She says she'll see him at the church, and what a great idea it is to invite someone who's in love with you to your wedding to someone else. He kisses her lips and then her hand and leaves Rose looking all surprised, even though she totally responded to that kiss on her lips. After he's gone, Rose practices her whistle. Suspense!
Over at Lucy and Kevin's house, Simon is marching around in front of Kevin and talking about how awesome it will be to be married because he'll be able to go to restaurants and say he has reservations for Rose and Simon Camden. Simon -- you can actually tell the restaurant whatever you want. They don't check your IDs. I used to reserve a table for Moesha every time I went out just to hear them announce it. You don't actually need to get married for this. He says being married will give him an identity, which is something I guess you think you lack and can find in someone else when you've been raised by two parents who can't show you different. "It's like bungee jumping, where I feel like I'm jumping to my death, but I'm actually jumping to my life," Simon says. "You guys didn't write your own vows, did you?" Kevin asks. He never got any better at acting, but that's okay as long as he can be there to occasionally point out how much this family sucks.
Meanwhile, Lucy's on the phone with her mother since she doesn't have any friends her own age. Annie's trying to wipe those moustaches off of her sons, but she has no luck, and therefore the moustaches will stay there as a reminder to all of us that the twins are retarded. I can't imagine why they wanted those stupid things in the first place. I'm talking about the twins and the moustaches, not the CamRents and the twins. Although, that too. Lucy tells Annie that Simon is gushing to Kevin about how thrilled he is to be getting married, which she thinks he's only saying to convince himself. Annie doesn't really care, and Lucy rather fiercely asks her if she's seen Rose yet. Annie says she hasn't. "Don't you think you should call her?" Lucy demands. Annie says she will not, and then there's a ring at Lucy's doorbell so she hangs up on her mother to answer it.
Simon and Kevin are also heading towards the door, with Simon still telling Kevin how excited he is for him and Rose to have their own house and kitchen, all the better for Rose to be barefoot and pregnant in. He opens the door to reveal Heather, who hasn't gotten any less deaf since the last time she was on. She introduces herself as "Matt's friend, Heather," even though she presumably knows all of these people. Maybe she's blind now, too. She has a wedding gift for Simon, who is way too excited to see her. More excited than anyone has ever been to see Heather, I'd guess. They hug awkwardly, and Simon introduces Heather to Kevin, who is considerably less excited to meet her, as Lucy comes rushing out to greet her. Heather tells her that Matt and PC told her she could find Simon there, and I'm sorry we didn't get to see the awesomely awkward conversation that must have been, what with Matt almost cheating on PC with her. Lucy invites Heather in, but she wisely declines and says she just wants to drop off her gift and take off. Simon apologizes for not inviting Heather to his wedding, seeing as she's one of the only recurring characters who could be bothered to make it to this series finale, but even Heather isn't that pathetic and says no. "I'm not very good at weddings," she explains. You know, because she's all divorced and stuff. She's probably not even allowed in the church anymore for that. Hell, I'm surprised she's allowed to still live in Glenoak.
She hands Simon something she "kept all these years" -- a framed photo of Simon and Happy. Uh, Heather…why do you have that? And your explanation that the story Matt told her of how Simon "got Happy" (hee hee ) doesn't fit. Of course, this sends Simon flashing back to the day he got Happy, with Matt running over to check out the new dog and Ruthie bragging that she named Happy. Season One Ruthie is more articulate and a better actress than Season Ten Ruthie and SamVid combined. No less annoying, though. Matt sends Ruthie away and tells Simon that, based on his keen dog-feeling-up powers, he knows that Happy is pregnant. When Simon returns from his flashback, Heather says she has a lot more Camden stories and probably a house full of framed screen shots to go with them. "I really love being around this family," she says. It would be so cool if the series ended with Heather murdering them all, signing "if I can't have them, NO ONE CAN!" in between ax chops. I don't think it will, though. ["Well, it would be cool if the series ended, period, but…here we are." -- Sars] Lucy and Heather tell Kevin all about the time when Matt interrupted one of Heather's many weddings and they went off together and almost got married themselves, which does not warrant a flashback, which is just fine with me. "It was very dramatic," Lucy assures us. Lucy, I was there. And it really, really wasn't. Hell, the Jon Secada video that remade that scene in The Graduate was more compelling than that episode.
Lucy tries to make conversation. "So, you're…" she begins. "Divorced!" Heather finishes. Wow, she really found a way to sneak that right into the conversation, didn't she? For all we know, Lucy was going to say "deaf" in order to provide us with the proper exposition. Heather says some more stuff after that, but -- and I know this isn't very politically correct of me to say -- I really can't understand a word of what she's saying. I remember her being a lot clearer and easier to understand when she used to be on this show. Lucy says she wishes that Matt and PC were going to be at the wedding, and Heather is confused; why would Matt and PC fly out all this way and then not go to the wedding? This causes Kevin, Lucy, and Simon to all look at each other stupidly.
Cut to Lucy and Simon walking back to the CamPound and talking about how Matt and PC must have flown out to Glenoak to surprise them. Lucy screams that she doesn't need any surprises, since she's pregnant. Matt strolls up and gives his siblings a hug and asks Simon how he's doing a few hours before his wedding. Simon says he's doing great, and Lucy butts in that just the night before, Simon and Rose were screaming at each other and not doing great at all. Very supportive of you, Lucy. Matt pats his brother on the back and says he's sure things will go smoothly. "Then I'll be married for the rest of my life to the woman that I love. Lucky me. I'll be married for the rest of my life to Rose. Yep. Couldn't be happier," Simon says, sounding about as filled with joy as Annie usually is on her better days. Matt asks Simon if he's okay. "God no! What the heck am I doing?!" Simon says. Lucy gets needlessly angry and whines an "again?!" like, isn't this what you wanted, Lucy? For Simon to reconsider? What the hell is her problem? Matt orders Simon to get married, saying that he made that decision when he proposed to Rose, set a wedding date, and sent out the invitations. Lucy, on the other hand, doesn't think Simon should do something he doesn't want to, and urges him to tell Rose he doesn't want to get married before they're standing at the altar like Matt did to Heather. Except that if you actually click on that link, you'll see that it was Heather who ditched Matt.
Lucy counsels Simon to figure out what he wants now and not years from now when he wakes up to a robot with no personality. I think she's projecting a little bit here. Matt congratulates his sister on her reverendly skills, then tells her to stop twisting Simon's mind. Simon agrees: "Matt didn't say stuff like that to you before your wedding day, did he?" "I wasn't marrying Rose, I was marrying Kevin!" Lucy says, sounding furious for no reason again. She really did grow up to be her mother, didn't she? And it's not like Kevin was any prize; he was divorced and had premarital sex and stuff before he met Lucy. But we're supposed to forget about all that, I guess, and she says, "And I loved Kevin! You ALL LOVED KEVIN!" In a hilarious shot, Matt jumps back a few steps, so frightened is he by his angry sister. Rose, by contrast, is only liked by the Camdens and Simon. And if the Camdens only like you, then you deserve unhappiness. Simon says he does love Rose, but… "But?" Lucy and Matt ask in unison. Oh, finally, this scene is getting somewhere. I'm actually interested in what he has to say and -- oh. We've gone to a commercial.
On our way back into the show, the announcer once again reminds us that this is the last episode of 7th Heaven. When he says it's the last episode "EVER," he's positively giddy.
Already wearing her wedding dress, Rose is putting her wedding makeup on all by herself when we return. Wow, that sucks. Girl doesn't even have a best friend, let alone a make-up person, to do this for her? I don't mean to be rude, but she has a more than a few blemishes that could use some skilled concealer work. This sends me off on a flashback of my very own to that Very Special Episode that taught us to be tolerant of those with mild acne problems. I usually try to do the exact opposite of everything this show tells me to, so I guess that's why I'm making fun of Rose's acne now.
PC lets herself in and tells Rose she. Looks. Absolutely. Amazing. Can no one on this show deliver his or her lines in something resembling a realistic fashion? "So I look okay?" Rose asks, apparently not able to comprehend the meaning of "amazing." What is PC even doing there? Do those two know each other at all? Rose asks PC for hairstyle advice, saying her mother wants her to wear it up, but she'd rather keep it down so looks like the way it always does since it's not like this is a special occasion or anything like that, right? "Is your mom giving you a hard time on your wedding day?" PC asks. "She doesn't mean to; she just has opinions about everything," Rose says. A woman with opinions? EVIL! EVIL! PC says that her mother has opinions, too, but no one cares about this.
PC awkwardly segues into asking Rose what her mother thinks of Simon. Why do you care, PC? Mind your own business! Geez. Rose's mom thinks that Simon is "okay, but [Rose] can do better." Ha! Rose's mom rules. PC says her mother felt that way about Matt, too, "only by 'better,' she just meant 'Jewish.'" Actually, PC, I'm pretty sure she meant "better." Rose says that she thinks Simon is nice, but doesn't have much more to say about him. Instead, she gives PC a gift even though they barely know each other, but apparently Beverley Mitchell or Mackenzie Rosman couldn't be bothered to show up to the set that day so they had to write the scene for PC instead. This is the SERIES FINALE. Should we really be wasting time on a scene with two characters who aren't Camdens? What a letdown this episode must have been for the show's real fans, although those two deserve what they get, honestly. Rose's gift to PC is -- seriously -- a pearl necklace. Why didn't the writers go for the gold and have her give PC a Dirty Sanchez or a Cleveland Steamer while they were at it? Pearl necklace. Oh my god. Anyway, Rose explains that after her parents got divorced, they kept giving her pearl necklaces every year without knowing that the other one was doing the same thing and forgetting that it was the same present they had given their daughter the year before. With Rose's parents' mutual obsession with pearl necklaces, I don't know why they wanted to split. Rose says that divorce ruins childhoods and parents should always stay together for their children, even though I've never met a child of divorce who would have rather his or her parents stayed together and hated each other. I have, however, met a few people whose parents stayed together until their kids went to college and who wished that their parents had gotten divorced much earlier. PC graciously thanks Rose for the re-gift, but worries that Rose's mother will notice that the pearls she gave her daughter are gone. "My mom would definitely notice," PC says. Because her mother is Jewish and the Jews are always keeping tabs on their riches. They like to hunch over and wring their hands together while they do this, too. So I've heard. Rose says her mother knows about this and approves, probably because it's saving her from having to help Rose pay for real gifts for her wedding party. PC and Rose hug, and Rose is one of the few people (although this show seems to have a lot of them) who looks worse when she smiles.
We cut to Lucy putting on a string of pearls, too, and hugging Rose in gratitude. Rose tells Lucy that she looks "very pretty," and Lucy thanks her for saying that, because she will accept her compliments even though she won't accept her as a sister-in-law. Then Rose accidentally uses Umberto's name instead of Simon's, and Lucy files that one away for future talking behind Rose's back. Lucy tells Rose not to worry about what her mother said; Rose's dress is beautiful. "People who are critical of others are usually even more critical of themselves," Lucy says; "maybe [your mother] just feels like she should've been there for you." Way to dump on Rose's mother there, you stupid bitch. But Rose takes it all in stride, even when Lucy tells her that Simon's been having doubts about marrying her all day. I hate you, Lucy.
Rose has put her hair up after all when Annie comes by to see her. Annie's wearing her bestest housecoat for the occasion and is high as a freaking kite already. "You look stunning. Like the cover of a magazine!" Annie says. She doesn't say which magazine, however. Rose is still uncertain about her hairstyle, but Annie tells her that she looks pretty either way. Rose tells Annie that she's really happy that they've gotten to become friends. "You really seem to like me!" Rose says, as if this were a good thing. "I think you like me more than my mother likes me." Annie says she loves Rose, and so does Rose's mother. Are we ever going to get to meet this woman? Because she sounds awesome. Rose doesn't know if Simon loves her, though. Rose doesn't seem to think that anyone loves her. She needs to get over that. Annie says that Simon does love Rose. But she doesn't have an answer when Rose asks if Simon wants to actually marry her.
RevCam is managing to get his reverend robes on without veering off into another flashback involving his children making out with each other. His moment of solitude is interrupted by that gross Umberto guy, who mistook RevCam for Simon from behind because Umberto is a total moron. RevCam invites him in for a chat, saying he knows that Umberto is still in love with Rose, so he's sure this wedding will be difficult for him to watch. He asks Umberto if he's looking for Simon to talk him out of marrying Rose. Umberto says he was going to, but if RevCam thinks he shouldn't, then he won't. Or maybe he will. Meanwhile, RevCam is seated in front of that ugly-ass fake stained glass window of his, and I am so glad we got to see that one more time before this series ended. Is it too much to hope for a glimpse of the Lame Clear Phone as well? Umberto says that he loves Rose and wants to marry her and always has except for that one time when they were actually engaged and then he dumped her so he could be with other girls. But now she's going to marry someone else, so he wants her back. What an asshole. RevCam tells him that who Rose gets married to is still anyone's guess, and Umberto says that he wants Rose and loves her and thinks she feels that way about him.
RevCam tells Umberto about how all Camden men's wedding rings are engraved with "you bring out the best in me." Umberto nods solemnly as if this were important or at all interesting, and RevCam continues that he doesn't think Rose and Simon bring out that best in each other. Umberto says that he brings out the best in Rose, as he got her to be nice to Annie and stuff like that. Without Umberto, Rose is a total bitch. What a prize she must be to her two potential husbands. RevCam realizes that he's being a shitty father to his son, not to mention a terrible minister and wedding officiant, and decides not to say anything else. But Umberto begs him to tell him to try to stop the wedding, like, make up your own mind, Umberto. I mean, can't SOMEONE on this show just make up his own fucking mind? Do we really have to spend an entire hour watching people try to decide something? RevCam looks troubled as we go to commercial. Maybe Stephen Collins thinking about all those crappy TV movies he'll be starring in once this show is finally over.
Back from break, Umberto has managed to pry himself off RevCam's bench and leave the office. Annie comes in as RevCam's staring at a picture of his son that he probably got from Heather, keeper of the Camden memorabilia. Annie says everyone is ready for the wedding. Everyone except RevCam, who wants to talk to Simon. Annie tells him that it's too late and he'll have to let whatever happens, happen. But RevCam still needs a few minutes with which to fantasize about how the wedding could go:
With dark circles under his eyes that show us what a toll being on this show for ten years has taken on him, RevCam starts doing the vows part of the ceremony. When Simon gets to the part about death parting him and his new wife, he starts reconsidering his options. "Death?" he says. "Yeah," RevCam answers, looking like he knows all too well what a promise that is, as Annie has proven to be amazingly hearty so he'll be spending is remaining miserable years with her. "'Til death do us part -- I don't think so!" Simon whispers to Rose, who just tells him that people are waiting, like the audience's comfort and patience is of the utmost concern right now. Rose says that if Simon tries to leave her before one of them dies, she'll kill him herself. "I can't do this. I'm sorry," Simon says as the Violins of Wedding Disaster start up.
Back in "reality," Annie says that she could see Rose backing out before she could see Simon doing it. But she's sure that Rose will do that right thing, too. And now we enter Annie's fantasy.
I don't know about you guys, but I was sort of hoping that our glimpse into the deranged mind of Annie Camden would have, like, evil demons telling her to drown her children and fire all over the place and stuff like that. But no, it's just doofy old RevCam asking the crowd if anyone has any reason why Rose and Simon should not be wed. Rose hands off her bouquet to Simon, lifts up her veil, and announces to the crowd that there's no need for anyone to say anything, because she has decided that she can't marry Simon. She's really sorry, though, and nonsensically tells the crowd that she hopes that "this is the most embarrassing moment you'll ever share with me." It would be awesome if she, like, farted really loud right then so that we'd all know for sure that this was, in fact, the most embarrassing moment ever. And then maybe her tampon could fall out as her crush ran by so she could get the Nightmare of the Month award in YM. Rose nobly says that she's too young to be married, and also understands why her parents got divorced and stuff, like anyone at the wedding would care about that. If I was at a wedding where the bride cancelled it and then started going into her life story, I'd start throwing stuff at her. Simon says he forgives Rose and understands how she feels. In fact, he should have been the one to call it off. "God bless you both for doing the right thing," RevCam says, "and now, let's all celebrate life!" Dork.
In reality land, RevCam tells Annie she must really love Rose. "I do," Annie says. Then why don't YOU marry her, Annie? Oh, that's right -- because people like her don't think homosexuals should have the same rights as straight couples. Actually, people like Annie refuse to acknowledge that homosexuals even exist. RevCam says that they might as well start the wedding. "Anything could happen," Annie says. Thanks a lot, Annie; you just sent RevCam back off into fantasy land, which I have a feeling he's a frequent visitor to, so much more pleasurable is it than his real life.
RevCam is about to declare Simon and Rose husband and wife when there's a yell from outside. "Wait!" a man shouts. But no, it's not a man at all -- it's Mary! Holy crap and no way, they got Jessica Biel to come back. She runs to the altar, her arms waving all over the place, and Rose greets her with a scowl and "this isn't another idiot you dated, is it?" Dude, what is it with RevCam fantasizing about his kids fucking each other? Simon introduces Rose to his sister, and everyone hugs her. Then Mary makes a speech. She says that "this" isn't right, and she knows because her life is a failure. RevCam and Simon agree. Mary says that marriage is serious and not very easy to get out of. "Yes it is! My parents were married three times," Rose says breezily. "WOW! Did they have any children?" Mary asks. "Me," Rose says, in her "duh" tone. And let the Mary-bashing begin! Even when Mary is actually there, we still must make her evil and stupid or both! Jessica Biel, I hope they paid you a ton of money to do this. I hope you squeezed them for every last cent. I hope your extravagant salary demands are the reason why we aren't seeing anyone like RevCam's parents or sister or that black family no one cares about anymore or Captain Michaels (who may well be the President by now for all I know) or even Martin in this episode. Or, for that matter, Ruthie. Where the hell is she? I secretly hope she's finding her biological parents so that this show can well and truly rest with all its loose ends finally tied.
Mary continues, saying that Rose shouldn't make the same mistakes that her parents or Mary made. She's still panting from her short run down the aisle, too. Probably because Jessica Biel rushed over there from the set of her latest big-budget movie. She tells Rose that there is a whole world out there. "A big world! Like that thing that they have in school! You know, that um, that, that round thing. You know, that, oh! Oh, what do you call it? Uh… " "A globe?" everyone finishes for her. "That's real. Those are real places!" Mary says. Meanwhile, I'm thinking that Mary's lips and nose are not quite so real. Mary tells Rose to "get out there and see the world! Then make your mistakes." It's sound advice that no one in that family except for Mary ever followed.
Back in reality land, Annie actually sticks up for her wayward daughter, saying that she's "smarter than you give her credit for." And by "you," she probably means Brenda Hampton, not RevCam. Anyway, RevCam's fantasy is impossible since Mary isn't coming to the wedding, as she hates her family. And now it's time for the wedding. RevCam agrees. "They're the ones who have to write their own story in life," he says of Simon and Rose. I'm sure they could write it better than anyone who writes for this show. Then again, so could that snail I accidentally stepped on the other day. Hell, even RevCam Fantasy Dumbass Mary could write it better. Annie says she's ready for the wedding. Is RevCam? "I'd go anywhere with you, babe," he responds. Flashback to Annie showing RevCam the garbage disposal she fixed and him telling her the same thing. They go under the sink and make out. Way to pick those flashback clips, guys. Is it possible that we might see something from an episode that isn't the pilot? Even the people who work on this show couldn't endure having to scan though multiple episodes for clips, I guess. Back in the present, they walk to the ceremony holding hands, which would have been sweet if their marriage was functional.
The commercial break kicks off with the announcer guy welcoming us to "America's Favorite 7th Heaven Smile Moment," sponsored by a toothpaste brand I'll have to remind myself never to buy again. There is an edge of sneer in the announcer's voice. Then we go to the scene where Kevin proposed to Lucy while Jazz Legend Bobby Short sang. Great voting there, America.
Back from the break, we've skipped past the wedding and are well into the reception. Oh, great; glad we wasted all that time with that fantasy shit so that we couldn't actually see what happened at the real wedding, which this whole fucking show was leading up to. God, I hate this show. It's so bad. And it's about to get worse, because Ruthie has finally made an appearance. Life sure does suck for Mackenzie Rosman, who gave this show her childhood and only got two minutes in the series finale for it. They gave SamVid more screen time than her. Hell, they gave Heather more screen time! They didn't give Happy more screen time, though. Poor Happy; this should be her happiest day and she doesn't even get to share it with us. Anyway, some doofy kid walks up to Ruthie and SamVid and gives them some "sdkfjslfjvsldgsholic drinks." He's Scottish, you see, and was apparently introduced to us last week, as was a storyline about Ruthie wanting to go off to Scotland for the summer to study. Being Scottish is no excuse for his incomprehensible accent though. I mean, I understood what the people in Trainspotting were saying, and I have no idea what this kid is even trying to say. Apparently, this guy likes Ruthie so he's working at the reception for free. He's probably working on this show for free, too. At least he didn't have to actually pay the producers to appear, like I'll bet Heather did. "You Scottish guys sure are charmers," Ruthie says. Maybe so, but they sure can't act for shit. This kid is stand-out awful, and he's in a scene with Ruthie and SamVid, who aren't exactly Olivier. He notices SamVid's moustaches, which must have made for some kick-ass wedding photos, and says he knows a way to get them off, but he'll need Ruthie's "heaaaalllleapeapeaeaepp."
RevCam and Matt talk about how "fun" Simon's wedding ceremony was. Kevin insults them, saying they have a "strange sense" of fun. This entire show has a strange sense of fun. And quality. And life in general. Meanwhile, no one sheds any light on what actually happened in the wedding ceremony. Carlos comes up and says that he had a great time at the wedding, although his own was pretty fun, too. And there's "always a chance" that he and Mary will get back together. Mary didn't come to the wedding, although Carlos says she'll be "at the graduation tomorrow." So she'll see Matt and PC become doctors, but won't see her little brother get married?
SamVid come up with their new moustacheless faces. They say that Scottish Guy, "Ruthie's new boyfriend, used nail [pause while Vid remembers his lines] polish remover" to get them off. And it has the added benefit of being full of fumes that the kids are probably breathing in since the stuff is right under their nose. And, of course, those fun chemical burns! "Oh, yeah. That would work," RevCam says. Then why didn't you think of it, asshole? And how did Scottish Guy know this? And why did he have his own bottle of nail polish remover? Is Ruthie always doomed to have gay "boyfriends"?
RevCam toasts Matt and PC for their graduation to being real live doctors tomorrow, and everyone joins in. PC cackles in joy, and then Annie begs Matt, PC, Kevin, and Lucy to tell her the sex of their babies. But Carlos wants them to hold off for when Mary will be around, and Annie starts screaming her head off in joy that they'll be seeing Mary tomorrow. Carlos even promises that he and Mary have an announcement of their own to make tomorrow.
With that, Lucy says she can't wait another day to tell her parents the news, probably because she doesn't want to be outdone by Mary like she has been her whole life. And what better time than Simon's special day to make everything all about her, right? Also, Savannah is there and she's still cute. Simon and Rose come up and say they want to hear any announcements that are being made. PC turns to Matt and says that if Kevin and Lucy are announcing their baby stuff, they should too. Matt agrees, and PC says that she and Matt are having twins. Twin boys, actually. Ha! She totally fucked up Lucy's moment. Annie practically rips her hair out of her head in "happiness." "THAT'S AMAZING!" she screams. People in China just woke up from a deep sleep all "what's amazing?" Meanwhile, SamVid barely react. They need to save their energy to kill the upcoming Camden twins. There can only be one set!
Matt says he blames RevCam and Annie for "this," and by that he probably means that they were there, watching and giving out helpful tips on position, when the babies were conceived. Lucy, her spirit slightly dampened, makes her announcement: she and Kevin are also having twin boys. At this, Kevin smiles, and mirrors everywhere shatter into a million pieces. And then those pieces shatter when Annie starts shrieking again. God, kill me. Matt's out of control as well: "THAT'S INSANE. THAT'S INSANE!" he yells. I think he's talking to Brenda, though. It would be great it he started saying, "That's unrealistic. And stupid! I'm on a fucking J.J. Abrams show! Fuck this!" and then he left. Carlos raises his hand and says "me too!" Well, I would not have seen that coming. They're actually making a guy pregnant on this show? Damn! Oh no, he's just saying that Mary is pregnant again. Yes, Carlos and Mary are back together and they're having twin girls! "YES! YES! YES!" RevCam screams, pumping his fist in the air now that all his kids have turned out to be fertile. Annie does some more mugging and then Matt starts shrieking like a girl and saying he's freaking out! "MY GOD YEAH!" he says. I don't think Barry Watson gives a shit anymore. He's just being ridiculous now. Annie kisses Carlos and then slaps him on the face in joy. Bipolar until the end, our Annie.
Carlos's phone rings, and he walks off to take the call. It's Mary, and she's hugely pregnant. She's been back with Carlos and pregnant all this time and didn't even tell her own parents until her husband let it slip so we could have a future Camden Twin Set Trifecta. She says she has a feeling Carlos spoiled her surprise, and he says he "had to." Mary does not react like a lunatic at hearing the news that her siblings are all pregnant with twins as well, because she's normal and stuff now. She just asks if Carlos told everyone about their other surprise -- she's graduating college this weekend! Wow, she finished college in like, a year, while getting divorced and being pregnant and having a fulltime job? Amazing. ["I hate this goddamn show." -- Sars]
We cut to a very unfortunate-looking woman who is serving as the evening's entertainment. She'll be singing, too. The first song is for the bride and groom, so Simon and Rose take to the dance floor of the Camdens' backyard. Way to go all out and build a wedding set there, guys. Oh! I see a black guy serving as one of the caterers in the background -- is that Capt. Michaels? The Fat Lady (no, really -- that's WHAT SHE IS CREDITED AS) sings "Embraceable You" and Simon dances with Rose for three seconds before Rose's father cuts in to dance with his daughter. Rose's mother steps up to Simon and tells him that she doesn't know when or if she'll ever see him again, but she wants him to know that she loves him. And with that, they hug for just a little bit too long. Now Rose's mother can be pregnant with twins, too!
Umberto, who only looks like he's pregnant with twins, cuts in and dances with Rose. Annie and RevCam watch, Annie with her mouth hanging open. Simon shrugs and says that Umberto and Rose love each other and he thinks they'll get married. So…uh…I guess that means Simon and Rose didn't get married? And are still friends? And he's fine with some other guy being with his almost-wife? Okay. Great. Whatever.
With that everyone comes onto the dance floor. Adorably, Lucy sets Savannah down, and she and Kevin bend over to dance with her. Ruthie and Scottish Guy dance together. RevCam and Annie dance together.
And then some ugly girl enters the backyard with a red-headed baby in tow. It's that Duff girl's older sister who was on all this season, in keeping with the 7th Heaven tradition of casting popular singers' ugly siblings. Simon sees her and walks up to greet her. He says she's glad she showed up after all, and she asks him what happened. Simon says he and Rose never made it to the church. While RevCam and Annie were fantasizing and wasting our time, real drama was happening that we didn't get to see. Simon and Rose decided that "it wasn't right" for them to be married. Duff only wants to know if Rose said anything to Simon about her or the baby. Simon says she didn't. "Simon…we should talk," Duff says.
But not today! Because that would be something dramatic and worth watching, and this show will leave our airwaves without showing it to us, true to fucking form. Instead, we get a montage of the characters set to "Anything You Want," as they look now and when this all began, so we can all see how bright and happy and young they were and how old and haggard and broken-spirited they are today. And unlike the opening credits, they're featured in order of the kids' ages. And the Brino kids don't get to be in it at all. Ha! And in a particularly frightening choice of lyrics, the Roy Orbison sound-not-alike sings "I pray that you are here to stay." As we now know, those prayers were answered and 7th Heaven, despite having been cancelled months ago and being one of the worst shows in television history, has been renewed for an eleventh season on The CW. Yes, this show was dead and buried, only to come back to life three days later. And if you know what I'm talking about, then you've got an edge on the Camdens, the only churchy family in history with two ministers in it to never mention Jesus.
We end on the remaining Camdens dancing the night away: Lucy, SamVid, Ruthie, Matt, Annie, and RevCam, with Simon watching them. I think Annie goosed Matt. What twin pregnancy fun we'll have with them all season! Maybe the series finale won't suck so hard. Maybe this show will end with those thirteen episodes and not go into a season twelve. I doubt it, though.