In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
I'm still not sure if this is the best episode ever or the worst. Anyway, the first half of the show progresses normally with the usual boring and stupid subplots: Vincent's new girlfriend makes fun of Ruthie for wearing the jacket she gave away to a secondhand store, Martin's sort-of girlfriend Zoe passes out in the bathroom and has a Deep Dark Secret, Kevin tells everyone how horny he is because Lucy won't have sex with him, and, in a shocking twist, SamVid are actually fun to watch as they try to scheme their way out of going to school. Their autism seems to be clearing up nicely.
And then the second half of the episode starts and everything goes to shit. We find out that Zoe's parents, despite working like seventeen jobs between them, can't afford food. And Zoe's dad comes to RevCam and tells him this, and the actor spends the whole scene trying to hold back his laughter as he says lines like: "We're POOR! And sir, we're HUNGRY!" And suddenly, there's this ten-minute section where random "teenagers," all of whom seem to have plenty of money for clothing and beauty products, tell the camera about how they're poor and hungry. One of them says being hungry "blows." It's supposed to be very serious, but it's kind of the funniest thing ever, especially when one of hungry kids, her arms weak from cheap processed foods, drops all her school stuff on the floor in the middle of her speech. And then Ruthie and her dad talk about American society and how it fosters a stigma about asking for government assistance, and about how some people act out because they have painful secrets. Like Vincent's totally awesome girlfriend, who is mean because her mom is dead of the cancer. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
This episode is dedicated to the memory of Shelley Hull, who doesn't merit anything fancier than Times New Roman font for his dedication announcement. And it's not even centered. Shelley Hull was an associate producer on the show who died in February of this year. Meanwhile, Graham Jarvis died a little over two years ago and has to yet to see an episode dedicated to his memory. Obviously, the episode where his character died, in which the impulsive nuptials of two retarded people got more screen time than his death or any characters' reactions to it, and the subsequent episode in which the entire town danced and sang in happiness over his passing, do not count.
Sad Pianos give way to the more upbeat guitar and drums as we enter Glenoak High. Then Ruthie sees Vincent talking to a girl, and the Saxophones of He Sure Did Get Over You Fast start up. Ruthie walks up to the new couple and introduces herself. The blonde girl rolls her eyes and introduces herself simply as "Vincent's new girlfriend." Women don't need any more identification than that on this show, really. Vincent tells us her name is Margo, which is the designated name for all snotty bitches (please see "Brewster, Punky" and "3-G, Apartment"), and this Margo is no exception. Ruthie says she doesn't want things to be awkward. Margo asks who, exactly, things would be awkward for. Ruthie has no answer for this, because she's not used to getting sassed. Vincent tries to leave, but Margo asks "Preacher Girl" if she bought her jacket from "Second Hand Rose," Glenoak's hottest new secondhand clothing store, because Margo recognizes it as her own. She adds that time Ruthie needs clothes, she should just tell Margo, who can give her all the clothes she doesn't want anymore. And, hopefully, has outgrown significantly, as Margo is a lot taller than Ruthie. Margo demands that Vincent follow her down the hall, but he chooses to follow Ruthie, who runs into the bathroom. Of course, he cannot pass the door, as women's bathrooms are guarded by force fields that repel anyone in possession of a penis. On any other show, I would hate the bitchy Margo. As this is 7th Heaven, however, and Margo has hurt the feelings of a character whose feelings I care nothing about, I think she's awesome.
The drama just doesn't stop, folks! Ruthie enters the bathroom and sees a girl passed out on the floor. Two random girls are hovering over her, wondering if they should call a nurse. The fainting girl, Zoe, a.k.a. That Girl Who Wants To Have Sex With Martin Even Though He Doesn't Want To Have Sex With Her, wakes up and says no nurse needs to be called because she faints "all the time." That is some terrible logic there. Zoe yells at the girls to go away, and they are happy to oblige. Zoe tells Ruthie not to tell Martin about her shameful fainting spell, and asks the supposedly crying Ruthie what her problem is. Ruthie says Zoe wouldn't understand. Zoe says Ruthie would be surprised. Unless, of course, she read the episode title. Then she, like me, would be bored to tears.
Martin finds Vincent waiting outside the bathroom. Vincent asks him to tell Ruthie he's "really sorry," and walks away. Martin watches him go for about twenty minutes. Theme song!
Our Opening Credits Timewaster is a slow pan across SamVid's room to Vid, who is having his temperature taken. Annie and Sam watch, anxious. The suspense, it builds. Finally, Annie checks the thermometer and reports that Vid doesn't have a fever. How anti-climatic! Vid asks for chocolate pudding. "Chocolate pudding? Is that what you want?" Annie says. Well, yes, Annie, it is. You know this because he said he wanted chocolate pudding. Vid says he thinks chocolate pudding will make his throat feel better. Sam asks for pudding, too, but Annie says it's too close to dinner, and that she'll get him an apple instead. Sam sticks out his tongue in disgust. He asks why Vid gets pudding and he doesn't, and Annie says it's because Vid is sick and Sam isn't. She orders Sam to the kitchen to help her make dinner. Sam crosses his arms and frowns, but leaves the room. This is the best acting Sam has ever done.
Zoe and Martin have pizza on the Promenade. In a highly unusual display of continuity, Martin says his coach gave the team the afternoon off practice after they won the tournament last weekend. Zoe says that the pizza at "Antonio's" is better than Pete's. Martin says he can't afford such fine cuisine. Zoe points out that Martin is driving a new car, so money can't be that tight. Martin snaps that his dad bought him the new car, and that was only because Martin is staying at the CamPound for free, and it would "be rude" to ask to borrow their car. It's kind of rude to stay at a supposedly cash-strapped family's house for free when you have the money to pay rent, too. Perhaps his grief over the death of BabyAunt on last week's Jack and Bobby has interfered with Martin's memory, but mine is just fine and I seem to recall Martin saying he got a large inheritance when his mom died. Martin says he likes his car, but he'd rather have his dad home and take the bus. Oh, Martin, your life is so hard. Everybody cry for Martin! Zoe offers to treat cheapo Martin to a dinner at Antonio's, where she claims her family eats at all the time, but he is noncommittal. Zoe asks if she can take the rest of the pizza home with her for her housekeeper. She then changes the subject to Ruthie and Vincent, and immediately lets it slip that Ruthie was wearing Margo's jacket. "Oh no," Zoe says, her voice completely devoid of any regret, "I wasn't supposed to say anything." "About?" asks Martin, who apparently wasn't paying attention. "Well --" Zoe starts before she is abruptly cut off for a new scene.
On her way into the house, Ruthie takes her jacket out of her backpack and throws it in the garbage. In the kitchen, Annie greets Ruthie with some nosy questions about Vincent, then asks where Ruthie's "new" jacket is. Ruthie lies that she left it in her locker, and runs upstairs, asking Annie to tell Vincent she's not home if he happens to call. "Does that mean you're expecting him to call?" asks Annie. Ruthie doesn't answer.
Sam is sitting on the stairs, staring at his apple. He offers it to Ruthie, complaining about how Vid gets to eat pudding while he just gets a yucky apple. "There's nothing yucky about an apple!" snaps Juanita Appleseed. She tells Sam to be grateful that he has food at all, and runs upstairs. Sam stares at his apple as he tries to remember his line.
Sam walks into his bedroom, where Vid is enjoying his pudding. "How's the apple?" Vid asks. "It's delicious! Wanna swap?" Sam Tom Sawyers. "No, I don't," says Vid, because he is, after all, the smarter twin. Sam glares at Vid, who goes back to eating his pudding. What the hell is going on here? I'm actually enjoying the twins today!
Kevin asks Lucy if she wants to go out to dinner tonight. He wants it to be just the two of them, someplace "dark and romantic," which makes sense when you consider that for a dinner with Lucy to be romantic, it would have to be very dark indeed. Dark, and each diner would have his own soundproof chamber. Kevin says they can "let" the CamRents watch Savannah while they're out. How generous of them! Lucy says no way, explaining that Annie has her hands full with sick Vid, and Lucy doesn't want any of Vid's germs getting near Savannah. There's a simple solution to that problem, Lucy: MOVE. Kevin is disappointed. Lucy squeezes his cheeks and says they can go out some other time. By the way, Lucy says all her lines in a baby voice, which is very annoying, although not more so than Lucy usually is. Kevin suggests bringing dinner upstairs and having a candlelight dinner. Lucy doesn't pay attention to that, focusing instead on Savannah's nose: "You have the cutest widdle nose! It's so teeny-tiny, I don't know how you get any air!" Possible set-up for a touching episode on SIDS? You be the judge.
And just when you thought this show couldn't get any more mundane, we cut to RevCam and Annie doing laundry. A phone rings. They don't answer it. RevCam asks about Vid, and Annie says he says he's still sick, but he seems okay. The phone rings again. Annie asks RevCam to take the garbage out. The phone rings again. RevCam gets the garbage together to take out. The phone rings again. Ah, the inherent suspense of domestic tranquility! RevCam finally acknowledges the ringing phone, asking if it's Vincent calling for Ruthie. "I guess so," says Annie. No one answers the phone. They'd better hope it's Vincent, and not someone calling the house with an emergency, like one of RevCam's parishioners, or a Glenoakian who isn't a parishioner but seeks out advice from RevCam anyway, or Mary, who's probably been trying to call for a long time now, but since everyone would prefer to think of her as evil and non-communicative, no one answers the phone.
Close up of the Lame Clear Phone. It rings. Ruthie picks it up. Vincent begs her to talk to him. Ruthie hangs up on him.
RevCam takes out the garbage, and finds the jacket. Were I to find clothing in my garbage, I'd probably leave it there. But RevCam, hearing the Wailing Saxophone of Shameful Secondhand Clothing, takes it.
Kevin offers to help Annie with dinner, but she says it's "all under control." Annie likes it when things are under control. She likes it a lot. I'm kind of confused as to why she's putting saran wrap on what appears to be a bowl full of lettuce. Perhaps she's practicing for her nightly asphyxial suicide attempt. Annie asks Kevin if he's okay. He says he's "adjusting to being a dad." RevCam, holding Ruthie's jacket, comes inside, so Annie runs away, as dictated by the 7th Heaven Law of Spatial Relations ("such that if one character leaves the room, a vacuum of space is created that must be immediately filled by a new character. Conversely, should one character enter a scene already containing two characters, one character must immediately leave the scene to restore equilibrium"). Kevin asks RevCam if they can talk outside.
They go outside. An awkward conversation of meaningless small talk ensues until Martin enters the yard, forcing Kevin to leave the scene, according to the 7H LSR. RevCam says hello to Martin and moves to go inside, but Martin asks him to wait. "I was just wondering what you were doing with Ruthie's jacket," he asks. Could these people BE any nosier? Like, if I saw my dad holding my brother's jacket, I wouldn't think twice, let alone ask him about it. But this does allow the "plot" to "progress," as RevCam explains that he found the jacket in the garbage, and asks Martin if he knows what it was doing there. Because Martin is about to answer this question, the scene suddenly cuts off.
Vincent has finally gotten through to Ruthie on the phone. He says he's never going out with Margo again because she was so mean to Ruthie. "Maybe that's the kind of girl you really like," says Ruthie; "rich, skinny, mean." As opposed to Ruthie who is poor, curvy, and mean? And how is Margo "rich" just because she gets her jackets new? Vincent says he made a mistake. "Yeah, you did," says Ruthie, and hangs up. Vincent calls her right back, taking the time to dial all seven numbers instead of just hitting the redial button. It takes time away from the rest of this show, and that's just fine with me. Ruthie answers. Vincent apologizes for Margo again. He says she must be insecure. "There's no excuse for her pointing out that my mom buys me used clothes that weren't good enough for her," Ruthie says, helpfully catching any latecomers up on the show's first exciting twenty minutes. She hangs up on Vincent again. The phone rings. "What?!" Ruthie answers. Of course, it's not Vincent, but Zoe. Oh, the hilarity of expecting one person to be on the phone, but getting another!
After Ruthie apologizes for her belligerent phone answering, Zoe thanks Ruthie for being "so nice" to her in the bathroom, especially after "little witch" Margo made fun of her. Ruthie says she would have forgotten all about the Margo thing by now if Vincent would stop calling her. Zoe says Ruthie should talk to Vincent. It really helps to talk to people, she says. For instance, she felt much better after talking to Ruthie today. Ruthie says she's sorry about what Zoe is "going through," and suggests that Zoe talk to RevCam -- "he's good at helping people," she says. "NO!" shouts Zoe, who apparently watched last week's episode, in which the two people who asked RevCam for help wound up either unemployed and hospitalized. Zoe tells Ruthie not to tell anyone anything, especially not Martin. Yeah, like Zoe has a lot of room to make demands, considering she blabbed Ruthie's secret the first free moment she got. Ruthie assures Zoe that she won't tell anyone. Zoe says her parents would "die" if they knew she was talking about her situation. Ruthie says that anything Zoe tells RevCam is completely confidential, except for all the time. Possessing more intelligence than I had previously given her credit for, Zoe refuses.
RevCam and Annie have a serious discussion in the kitchen about Ruthie's jacket. Annie threatens to call Margo's mother, and then Margo herself, but RevCam doesn't think that's a good idea because it will just embarrass Ruthie. Annie huffs and puffs that she doesn't buy many things from used clothing stores, just a "few pieces" that supplement all the new clothes the kids already have, and there is nothing wrong with that. RevCam agrees. ["I would agree, if various recappers over the years hadn't pointed out repeatedly that this family's insistence on individual bottled waters and ice cream by the pint is fiscal madness. Oh, and if it weren't Annie, with whom I would also disagree on statements such as 'the earth is round.' I hate this goddamn show." -- Sars] Annie says she's going to talk to Ruthie. RevCam says she can't, because then Ruthie will know that Zoe told Martin, who told RevCam. I'm not sure why anyone cares about whether or not Ruthie knows that Zoe went back on her word, but whatever. Annie says she can just say that she found it in the garbage, which is actually a good idea. RevCam thinks they should put it back in the garbage and let Ruthie deal with it herself. If that's the case, then why did he even take it out of the garbage in the first place?
We saw RevCam and Annie washing the clothes, and now we get to watch Lucy and Kevin folding them. Can you handle the fast-paced action and excitement? Kevin says he got some real estate listings, and asks Lucy if she wants to look over them with him tonight. He says he's really looking forward to having his own house. Lucy lies that she is, too, adding that living in the CamPound has been really nice. Kevin says that's true, but he misses having privacy. If privacy was so important to him, he shouldn't have married a Camden. Kevin adds that, with all her family members sleeping right to them, he's sensed that Lucy doesn't want to "get close." I don't like where this storyline is headed at all. Fortunately, Lucy wasn't paying any attention to Kevin, and responds by calling Kevin "sweetie" and wiping toothpaste from his mouth. She says she's going to help Annie with dinner, even though Annie already said she doesn't need any help with dinner. "I'm hungry," says Lucy. "Yeah, so am I," says Kevin, except that he is hungry in a purely metaphorical sense that I don't want to think about at all. Kevin says that he'll go set the table and Lucy can keep folding clothes. "Aw, you're such a --" Lucy begins. "Good little boy?" Kevin finishes, an annoyed edge to his voice. He rolls his eyes and leaves. Lucy resumes clothes-folding, completely oblivious to the feelings of everyone around her.
Confrontation time in SamVid's room! Sam and Vid argue about whether or not Vid is actually sick, and Sam says he's going to be sick tomorrow. Vid says Sam can't do that, because Vid is planning to still be sick, and his turn isn't finished yet. Sam threatens to tell on Vid. Vid says if Sam tells on him, then Sam won't be able to fake sick. "[Sigh]," says Sam. Vid says he's planning to be sick all week; Sam can be sick week. But Sam wants chocolate pudding right now! "It's all gone," says Vid. Sam growls and launches his apple at the wall. The rage of Sam has been unleashed! There's no going back now! Vid's mouth drops open with shock, and he threatens to tell on Sam for his vindictive apple-tossing. Sam says if he does, then Sam will tell her that Vid isn't sick. Check and mate, Sam! The twins glare at each other.
Kevin finds Martin in the kitchen (doesn't Martin have his own apartment?) and asks where Annie and RevCam are. Martin says they're taking the garbage out together. Kevin says this must be how their marriage lasted so long; they do everything together. "They seem pretty independent to me," says Martin, who seems to have confused the definition of "independent" with "co-dependent." "They're together when it counts," says Kevin, who apparently thinks that RevCam and Annie are out doing it by the garbage cans. Which might not be an incorrect assumption, I'm very, very sorry to say.
Kevin starts to set the table. Martin asks him for advice; he wants to break up with Zoe because she's always talking about how much money she has and it makes him "really uncomfortable." That, and the fact that she has a vagina. Martin adds that never wanted to be with her in the first place, and now he really doesn't want to be with her. I don't think Kevin is the right person to ask about this, seeing as he's still married to Lucy, who makes him live in her parents' house, ignores his concerns, and won't have sex with him. Kevin's advice is for Martin to just ignore Zoe and stop hanging out with her. And if Martin and Zoe were in second grade, and Zoe were bullying Martin, this would be good advice. Martin says he's pretty sure he should say something to Zoe. Kevin says if they didn't have a boyfriend and girlfriend commitment, then he doesn't have to. Be sure to pick up Kevin's self-help book, How To Be An Asshole To Everyone, on sale in bookstores now.
Lucy and Ruthie load the dishwasher. Lucy asks Ruthie if she's still sad about Vincent, and says everything will be okay. Ruthie snaps that if Lucy has to speak to someone in her baby voice, she can talk to her baby. She takes off. Kevin, watching from the kitchen table, laughs. Lucy says that Ruthie has been in a bad mood ever since Vincent dumped her. Kevin says he thinks it was Lucy's baby talk that put Ruthie in a bad mood. "I was just being sympathetic," Lucy says, then asks Kevin if he's done with his soup. Kevin says he is. Lucy says there's one bite left. Kevin says he's done. Lucy picks up the spoon and waves it around in Kevin's face. "Just one more widdle bite!" she says. Kevin snaps, "Put down that spoon or I'll...I'll..." at which point he just stands up and leaves. I hope he comes back with a better idea of how to deliver that line.
RevCam's got Savannah, and he's making a break for the door! But Kevin is there, and he takes the baby back. He holds Savannah, and RevCam says Kevin is getting to be "like a pro" when it comes to baby-holding. "I really love her, you know?" says Kevin. Too bad that the lower half of Savannah's face was cut off, because it looks like she smiled right after Kevin said that, and it would have been a really great shot. Sucks to be you, 7th Heaven crew! "But I also love her mother, who's also my wife," Kevin continues. Apparently that made sense to RevCam, who gets all awkward and stammers out that he has something to do somewhere else in the house, where he won't have weird conversations with Kevin.
RevCam goes downstairs and Lucy comes upstairs. She grabs Savannah, saying it's time for her dinner. Kevin says he's looking forward to when Savannah is on the bottle, so he can feed her, too. "Is that what's wrong with you, Mr. Crabby? Wanna feed the baby?" Lucy asks. Well...yes. Metaphorically. Kevin says that's "part of it." Lucy asks what the rest is. Kevin grabs her arm and pulls her into their room, apparently so that their conversation will have privacy, although he doesn't close the door behind him. He starts by apologizing to Lucy for snapping at her, but he misses "being intimate" with her. "And by intimate, I guess you mean...?" says Lucy. Are you kidding me? Even Savannah knows what Kevin is talking about, as she squirms in an effort to get the hell out of there, so as to not have to listen to her parents talk about the frequency of their sexual encounters. Lucy accuses Kevin of trying to "trick her" into having sex with him with the invitation to look at real estate listings. Yes, real estate listings, the language of romance, what with the "2 BR" this and "lrg ktch" that. Lucy says she's doing the best she can: "I'm a new mother, and I know it's not more important than being a wife." Hold on -- WHAT?! Did this show just say that satisfying your husband's carnal desires is more important than taking care of your completely helpless baby? Kevin says he wasn't trying to "trick" Lucy, he just wanted them to "be close."
Annie offers to read the twins a story, although I don't know why she's bothering with such unimportant matters when RevCam is sitting in his RevOffice, all alone. Annie says she's hoping Vid will sleep well and get better so he can go to school tomorrow. "Yeah, me too," says Sam, frowning. "WHAT IS THAT MARK ON THE WALL?!" Annie demands, upon seeing the apple-pulp-marked spot where Sam threw the apple. That kid's got quite an arm! Hopefully, it will be enough to get him an athletic scholarship, as he's certainly not getting any academic ones, what with his explanation of the mark that is high up on the wall being that it must have happened when he dropped the apple. Learn gravity, Sam. Annie finds the apple and examines it, using her forensic science skills to determine that the apple looks like it was thrown, not dropped. She asks Sam if he threw an apple at Vid. Sam bows his head. "I'm sorry," he says. Vid says Sam was jealous that he got pudding. Annie says they're going to clean the mess up, and then Sam is going to bed without a story. While Annie reads a story to Vid, Sam will be making his way to his new accommodations: Ruthie's room. I really don't think throwing an apple merits such a draconian punishment. Hell, murderers don't even deserve time in Ruthie's room. Although I guess it's not so bad when you consider the fact that Sam will now be spared from having to hear Kevin and Lucy have long overdue sex door. Sam is not pleased with this development, but Annie says she wants to make sure Sam isn't exposed to Vid's illness. If she was so worried about that, you'd think she would have not just let Sam spend the ENTIRE DAY with Vid, but whatever. Vid, trying to spare his brother from the horrors that await him in Ruthie's room, says that Sam probably already has it, and should sleep in his own bedroom. Sam says he feels fine, actually, and is looking forward to sleeping in Ruthie's room, which he says will be "fun." Well, you can't spell "fucking scary" without "fun." Annie leaves to get apple cleaning supplies. Vid asks if he can have more Jell-O. "Yes, you may. I'll bring you some Jell-O," says Annie. Then she turns to Sam and scowls darkly at him. Get a grip, Annie. Sam tells Vid that while he gets to hang out with Ruthie, Vid will be "all alone in the dark." After about five seconds of hearing his sister have sex with her robot husband, Vid will wish he actually was alone.
Ruthie and Vincent talk on the phone. Vincent says his parents thought he was getting "too serious" with Ruthie because he was always talking about her, or to her, or going out with her. Oh, please. Why would he say that he didn't think his relationship with Ruthie was "going anywhere" if that's how he really felt? And why is Ruthie allowed to talk on the phone? I demand to see punishment! Ruthie snaps that Vincent can get right over her, as she is grounded for a month and can't see anyone, thanks to him. Vincent offers to ground himself for a month, and then they can go out again! "What about Margo?" says Ruthie. Vincent says he told her he never wanted to see her again. Ruthie smiles evilly.
Martin opens the fridge and stares at its contents for like five minutes. Finally, there's a knock at the back door. It's Zoe. Martin's not too thrilled to see her. He says he already saw her this afternoon, and he has homework to do now. Zoe asks Martin why he hasn't returned any of her ten phone calls. Ten calls? Chill out, Z! Martin asks her if her housekeeper liked the pizza. "What's that supposed to mean?" Zoe asks. I think it means that Martin wants to know whether or not your housekeeper liked the leftover pizza, Zoe. You'll have to excuse her slowness on the uptake; it's hard to think when you're hungry. Ruthie walks in, saying she's on her way outside to find her jacket, which she thinks she dropped on her way home from school. Yeah, like Sam dropped that apple. "Margo's jacket? I thought you tossed it into the garbage can," says Zoe. Ruthie is fairly pissed that Zoe told Martin her secret. Zoe says that Ruthie obviously told Martin about her secret. Except that when Zoe told Ruthie's secret, she didn't think Ruthie had said anything first. Oh, and also, Ruthie didn't tell Martin anything. "I keep my promises!" she says, storming out. Martin says he doesn't know what's going on right now, but he doesn't want to see Zoe anymore.
It's the morning. RevCam is having his favorite breakfast, a big bowl of Interrogating His Kids Krispies. He asks Ruthie why she's washing her clothes so early in the morning. Ruthie says she wanted to wear her new jacket. She then figures out that RevCam knows about how she threw it in the garbage. RevCam says he saw it in there. Ruthie explains that she was upset, but she's over it now. Before RevCam can ask what Ruthie was upset about, even though he totally knows the answer, Ruthie asks him why, if he knew her jacket was in the garbage, he didn't take it out and talk to her about it. When RevCam doesn't answer, Ruthie figures out that Martin told him after Zoe told Martin. I guess the Camden-wide Zoe-secret-telling cover-up operation failed after all. Ruthie says she's going to wear her jacket to school today to show everyone that she doesn't care what people think. Yes, I'm sure the halls of Glenoak High will be abuzz with talk of Ruthie's feats of derring-do. Ruthie says she's especially looking forward to Margo seeing her, now that Ruthie and Vincent are back together. RevCam frowns. Ruthie says that when she's off grounding, she and Vincent will go out again -- as long as she asks RevCam and Annie for permission first. RevCam says they'll talk about that later, and I really don't get why the CamRents are so ridiculously strict when it comes to their fifteen-year-old daughter dating, especially after they had no qualms about their other daughters having serious relationships at a much earlier age. RevCam asks Ruthie if she'd be wearing that jacket to school if Vincent and Margo were still dating. Ruthie says she would, and asks why that matters. "I don't know," says RevCam, "but sometimes if you do the right thing for the wrong reason, it has a way of backfiring on you." "Meaning?" says Ruthie. "Only what I said," says RevCam, who obviously has no idea what he just said, "have a nice day. And by that, I mean 'be nice.'" Whatevs, Revs.
RevCam goes upstairs, thus allowing Martin to enter the kitchen. He offers to give Ruthie a ride to school, and she asks him if Zoe told anyone else in school about Margo's stupid jacket. Martin says she probably told as many people as she could, because she likes "feeling superior to other people." Glenoak High must be starved for gossip if a story about some freshman with a secondhand jacket is making the rounds. Martin says he got sick of Zoe's superiority complex, so he broke up with her. "You can't break up with her!" says Ruthie. "Uh...yes, I can," says Martin; "I did." Ruthie says that sometimes when people act like they're better than everyone, they're just covering for the fact that they really feel inferior. Martin rather angrily tells Ruthie that if she has something to tell him, she should spit it out. Ruthie remains quiet. Martin says it doesn't matter anyway, because he doesn't like Zoe. At all.
Sam tells Vid about how he and Ruthie stayed up all night eating cookies and Lucy read lots of stories to him. Oh, man, Kevin must have been so pissed that his wife was off reading to her brother instead of having sex with him. Vid asks Sam to fake sick today so that Vid can get a chance to hang with Ruthie. RevCam runs in and says it's time to go to school. Vid reports that Sam is sick. Sam says he isn't. RevCam asks what's going on.
The D-plot about those freshly-laundered clothes seems to have come to an end, as Lucy puts them away in her dresser. Kevin's about to leave for work. Lucy says goodbye with very loud kiss. "I've missed being your wife," she says. "Not as much as I miss being your husband," says Kevin. "I've had to be my own husband these last couple of months." "What do you say we take a look at those listings tonight?" asks Lucy. "We really should get busy finding a house." Wait, does she mean she wants to actually get busy looking at listings, or is she saying that she just wants to get busy? There have been so many weird euphemisms used for having sex this episode that I don't know what anyone's talking about anymore. Lucy asks if Kevin mentioned anything to her parents about their non-sex-having issues. Now, see, this is a question that normal people shouldn't have to ask each other. I wouldn't marry a man if there were even a question in my mind that he would discuss our sex life with my parents. Kevin lies that he didn't say a thing.
Kevin and RevCam meet in the hallway. "About yesterday..." Kevin starts. "I don't wanna know," RevCam says immediately. Yeah, Kevin, you know you've crossed a major line if something is too personal for RevCam. Although it is a bit out of character for RevCam to say that, as he's usually so fascinated by the sex lives of his children, both sons and daughters. Kevin apologizes for yesterday's attempt at inappropriate discussion. He adds that he and Lucy will have their own house by summer. "Hopefully," says RevCam, as he makes a mental note to buy some heavy-duty earplugs, just in case.
Kevin walks away, and Annie enters. She asks RevCam why he isn't taking SamVid to school right now. Everything has to be to the second perfectly according to the schedule in Annie's mind, or else she gets agitated. RevCam says that he has solved the mystery of the Twins Suspicious Illness: Vid faked sick to stay home from school and get attention and pudding. Annie makes a Clownface of Outrage, like, this is what happens when you don't pay any attention to your kids, Annie. Don't be too surprised. RevCam says that Sam is now faking sick so that Vid can stay in Ruthie's room tonight. Those two are certainly going to a lot of trouble to sleep with their sister. Annie says she suspected Vid was faking it, but she didn't want to believe it because all the other CamKids were older the first time they faked sick. Hey, at least SamVid are advanced at something. "I think these two are gonna be more trouble than all the other five rolled into one," says RevCam, a statement that doesn't really make any sense if you actually do the math. He adds that SamVid need their "complete attention." "Meaning?" asks Annie, as the concept of paying attention to one's children is completely foreign to her. RevCam says he means that Annie needs to stop spending so much time with Savannah and start paying attention to her sons. The Kinkirks need a "push" out of the "nest," RevCam says, and I become alarmed and upset, because I'm still thinking of those weird sex euphemisms from a couple scenes ago.
Showdown at Glenoak High! Margo walks up to Ruthie and says she sees that Ruthie is wearing her jacket again. Ruthie says she likes this jacket, and she doesn't care who used to own it, or who knows that it is secondhand. Margo's mouth drops open, and her personality totally changes. "My mother bought it for me," says Margo. "And my mother bought it for me," says Ruthie. Well, Margo's mom is DEAD, Ruthie, so suck on that! Margo explains that her mom had cancer, and her dad paid for lots of experimental treatments that insurance didn't cover, and this drained all of their savings. Then he lost his job because he was too busy taking care of his dying wife. Where do these people work? What the hell company FIRES employees for taking care of sick spouses or, as was the case last week, mothers? I mean, I'm sure they exist, but it seems like every episode we hear about someone being fired because his boss is evil. And then at the same time, RevCam gets to take almost a year off of his job, state that he has no intention of returning, take other jobs, and yet his position is still ready and waiting for him when he decides to come back. Ridiculous.
But back to Margo and her series of unfortunate events. Over the past few years, Margo and her dad lost Margo's mom, their house, their money, and Dad's job. Ruthie says she didn't know. How the fuck does a school so small that they remember that a girl peed in her pants ten years ago not know when a student's parent dies? Margo says that she and her father are doing much better now, after accepting "help," then delivers some very realistic dialogue about how she wanted to hurt Ruthie because she is still in pain about her mother. She gave the coat away because it reminded her of her mom. You'd think that if she and her father were really in such dire straights, they would have sold it. Margo adds that some of Second Hand Rose's profits go to cancer research. Ruthie sniffles exaggeratedly and wipes away an invisible tear, and it's done so badly that it looks like Ruthie is doing a sarcastic fake tear-wipe. It would have been hilarious if she had busted out the world's smallest violin and started playing it. Margo says she didn't tell Ruthie all this to make her sad (yeah, right); she just wanted Ruthie to know that she's not a bad person. Ruthie says she's really the bad person, because she and Vincent are back together. Margo says she knows all this. Ruthie says she only wore the jacket to show off to Margo that she got Vincent and she loves wearing secondhand clothes. Margo says they're even then. "Oh, no, not after what you've been through," says Ruthie, "it's hardly even." Oh, please, Ruthie. You didn't kill her mom, so drop the guilt complex. Margo has a suggestion for how Ruthie can make it up to her, though: "You wanna give me my jacket back? I hate seeing you wear it." Ruthie says it's the least she could do, and gives the jacket to Margo, who clutches it to her bosom. The scene cuts off before we can see Margo laugh in Ruthie's face that that whole ridiculously over-the-top story was a lie she told to trick Ruthie into giving her her jacket back. At least, I want to believe that's what happened, because I really liked Margo when she was making Ruthie cry.
RevCam tries to read through a folder in the Church Office, but it's so dark in there that he can't possibly see a thing. A man comes to the office. He introduces himself as Allan, Zoe's dad, as the Pianos of Sadness play. Allan has a seat and asks if RevCam remembers when Zoe slept in Martin's apartment. Of course he does! RevCam has an entire file system for his children or foster children's various transgressions, organized alphabetically and by type of infraction. Mary has her very own file drawer, called the "Black Files." Allan says he was worried about what RevCam thought of him for not realizing that his daughter wasn't home all night. "No judgment, really," RevCam lies. With great difficulty, Allan says that he lost his job a couple years ago, and "now...now...frankly, [he] can't feed [his] own family." Might be time to take your time machine out of the Great Depression, then, Allan. RevCam tries to interrupt, but Allan tells him to hold on and let him "get this out." Sit back, RevCam, because, with his delivery more halting and falsely earnest than yours, Allan's monologue is going to take a while. Allan says that Zoe cares a lot about "the young man who's living at your house." "Martin Brewer?" asks RevCam, like, who the fuck else would it be? Unless RevCam's thinking that Kevin might have found someone else to be a husband to.
With many pauses and deep sighs, Allan says that Zoe told Ruthie about her family's "situation" after she passed out at school the other day. And now Zoe thinks that Martin doesn't want to see her anymore because, as Allan explains -- and this might be the funniest thing I've ever seen in the history of this show -- "we're -- I guess there's no other way to say it -- we're POOR! And sir? We're HUNGRY!" I don't see how his stomach can be empty, what with all that scenery he's chewing. But oh, how I laughed when he said that, especially when the Violins and Guitars of Great Tragedy started blaring so as to maximize the emotional impact. RevCam licks his lips with empathy. Only 7th Heaven could make me take such great delight in the misfortune of others. Oh! A commercial! I'm gonna go get a Lean Cuisine. For some odd reason, I'm suddenly starving.
After the commercial, Allan is furious that RevCam would even suggest that he go on food stamps. RevCam says they aren't actually food stamps anymore; you get a credit card-like thing. Allan says he cannot ask his wife to do that. Apparently, he has no problem asking his wife to do all the grocery shopping. RevCam patiently explains that a lot of people are in the same situation, because not everyone can score a free mansion and a boss who looks the other way when you reach into the collection plate. Allan says it's embarrassing that he can't feed his own family. After paying for the mortgage, utilities, and the car, there's no money left over for food. Hopefully, he can put a pennies together for a class on how to prioritize, because I would think that keeping your daughter nourished enough so that she isn't passing out all the time is significantly more important than electricity or transportation. Allan says that after he lost his job, he went out and got three jobs and worked eighteen hours a day. But then he lost one of his part-time jobs, and now he's screwed. Shouldn't he be at one of his jobs right now, though? Allan says that his wife works, too, and they're trying to sell the house, but it needs so much work that no one will buy it (hello, Kinkirks!). I just want to know how the hell Allan and his wife are working three jobs between them and they still can't afford food. Even if the jobs were minimum wage, that's still enough to feed your family, especially since I don't think Zoe has any brothers or sisters. ["Well, seriously. Does she have a tapeworm or something? Also -- ever heard of filing for personal bankruptcy? It doesn't make for the most compelling TV in the world, but 1) neither does this and 2) at least it'll let you eat. Shut up, Brenda." -- Sars] RevCam spits out some crap he learned in his Economics 101 class about how income hasn't kept up with the cost of living, then asks if Zoe "understands" her situation. Allan says she does, but he and his wife don't like to see her "suffer," so they try to give her all the things she needs to fit in with today's fashionable teens. Okay, but if you don't want your daughter to "suffer," Allan, maybe you should SAVE YOUR MONEY FOR FOOD?! Or maybe Zoe could pay for her own stupid crap by getting her own job, like every other kid in America. Working at a food service place would be an added bonus, as she'd be getting free food. Why am I even thinking of solutions for these people's made-up problems? I really, really doubt that there are people out there who would let their kids go hungry because they spent their money on jeans. And if there are, I don't feel sorry for them.
RevCam tells Allan that his whole confession was for naught, as Martin didn't break up with Zoe because she was poor; he did it because he thought she thought she was too good for him. Way to disclose other people's personal information, RevCam. Allan says he's not surprised that Zoe made everyone think she was rich; "she's got that look, you know? She's a beautiful girl," he says creepily. He continues that Zoe pretends to be rich because she, like her parents, is ashamed to be poor. RevCam says they have nothing to be ashamed of, because they're "hardworking" people who do the best they can. And if you're doing the best you can, and it's still not enough, you shouldn't be ashamed to ask for help. "I need a little help!" Allan says, sobbing, "a little help." Actually, I don't think he was sobbing, as I'm pretty sure that the actor's slow delivery and forceful exhales were because he was holding back laughter for this whole scene.
The bell rings at Glenoak High. Kids walk through the halls. A well-kept-looking young lady who can apparently afford to dye her hair orange and have her eyebrows shaped walks up to the camera and looks right at it. She speaks: "My parents both work, they pay their bills. After Friday's school lunch, I don't eat again 'til Monday's school lunch. During the weekends, when I get really hungry, I just try and go to sleep." Then she tells someone off-camera to "wait up" and takes off. Bye, random person who totally doesn't look too poor to afford food all weekend!
A guy with styled hair walks up to the camera, sighs, and says that his family has been on the food stamp program since Dad left. "I don't take food for granted anymore," he says, and walks away. Thanks for sharing!
Another girl tell us that her family "survived on cheap processed food because [they] couldn't afford good food." Yeah, well, welcome to college, blonde girl. And probably your early to mid-twenties. Possibly even late twenties. Blonde Girl says that all that American cheese and bologna made her get bad grades because she was "tired." But then her aunt, who was probably sick of being asked for handouts, told them about the food stamp program, and now they have good food all the time! Plus, the food stamp program offers nutrition classes, and her mom learned how to cook! "Now, I'm pulling a B average!" she says, smiling. Hormel Foods doesn't smile as they contact their lawyers to file a huge lawsuit against 7th Heaven for its unproven statements against their products.
Another kid approaches the camera and says that he eats at his friends' houses as much as possible, and borrows money from them for food. But he doesn't pay them back, and he doesn't tell them that he needs the money for food, "so...[he's] running out of friends." Hungry AND unpopular! Don't you feel especially sorry for him?
Another girl starts to approach the camera, but drops all her school stuff on the floor, her arms apparently weak from hunger. You'd think that the middle of what is supposed to be a serious scene wouldn't go for the slapstick comedy, but you'd be wrong. The girl bends over to pick her stuff up and tells us that her family is very proud, and won't ask anyone for anything. She stands up, having gotten her supplies together, and continues that her brother and his family moved in after he got in a car accident and "had to quit" his job. Whatever injuries he sustained apparently affected the part of his brain that remembers that you can get disability if you're unable to work. How sad. The girl says she tried to get her parents to get food stamps, and even did some research into government programs (apparently she did not see the program that gives DISABILITY PAY), but her parents refused to accept any help. Girl says her parents say that education is "the most important thing," to which she says, "Hello? Try going to school on an empty stomach!" Not so hungry that she can't be indignant, she rolls her eyes and scoffs. Maybe she should try selling her gold necklace, or not spending so much money on whatever dental care is giving her such perfectly white and straight teeth, or laying off on the three pounds of lip gloss, if she's so upset.
Another kid steps forward. He's got two earrings, both of which could be sold for money for food. Also, he's like thirty-five. "Hey," he greets us. He says that he always has to make excuses for why he can't buy any food when his friends go out. "A teen's entire social life revolves around food," he says. "That blows, when you don't have any money for food." I don't know what he's complaining about; surely his senior citizen discount at Denny's makes his meals quite affordable.
Thus ends our "bizarre random characters talking to camera" moment. What have we learned? First of all, half of Glenoak is starving, so it would appear that RevCam's community service efforts totally suck. Hee hee hee! Second, people only want food because it will improve their social standing or get them good grades. Third, despite being well-groomed and owning expensive clothes, hair and skin products, and jewelry, people can still be so poor that they can't afford to eat for days at a time. Fourth, processed foods make you stupid. Fifth, one of Glenoak High's students is a midget (you can briefly see him behind the girl who dropped her books), which means a Very Special Episode about accepting people's height differences is probably coming up soon. Sixth, it's all poor people's fault that they're hungry, because they could easily get some miracle food stamps that would solve all their problems if they weren't so darn proud. I find it incredible that Brenda Hampton can take something like poverty and hunger and present it in such a way that the viewer is fairly forced to draw the conclusion that if poor people were just less lazy and had better spending priorities and got rid of that pesky pride that's keeping them from taking advantage of government assistance, they'd be just fine. Look, Brenda, we all know you have a strong social conscience and want to make your viewers aware of important issues, but we'd probably all be better off if you just donated some of your enormous executive producer paycheck to a food bank instead. You're not doing poor people any favors by portraying them as lazy, whiny little idiots who are so shallow that they'd rather spend their money on keeping their daughter popular than on food. I found this show so hilariously bad that I was going to give it an A+, but I had to give it an F because the message it sends is just so, so horrible. Growing up, one of my best friends was poor. He rarely got new clothes or new shoes, and classmates made fun of him. He didn't have cable TV or videogames or air conditioning. The walls of his house, which his mom had like three mortgages on, had holes in them. But he always, always, always had food. For my friend and people like him to be portrayed like this infuriates me. But this recap is not over yet, so I must calm down in order to finish it. I will do this by thinking of things that make me smile, like the Lost Boys running up and shipping all these assholes to the deserts of Sudan so they feel real hunger.
Ruthie walks pasts Zoe, then turns back and tells her that she didn't say anything to Martin. Zoe rolls her eyes. Ruthie walks away. Zoe spots Martin at his locker and walks over to him. He immediately says he has to go, but Zoe has something to say first. She understands why Martin dumped her, but he doesn't know "the truth" about her because she was "too ashamed" to tell it. She opens her mouth to speak. The camera zooms in on her. The scene slowly fades out as Zoe stands there, her mouth open, saying nothing.
RevCam arrives home, where he finds Ruthie sulking on the back steps. He takes a seat beside her, and she says that he was right this morning about her being nice to people. "You never know what someone's going through, you know?" she says. RevCam says he does know, because Allan told him about his family's deal. Ruthie says she never thought that there were people who go to bed hungry except for the people she sees on the street or in the church's feed-the-homeless line. That's people she sees in those lines, not serves, as, despite her great empathy and sadness, Ruthie does not volunteer at a soup kitchen or food drive. Lucy and Mary did once, because they were forced to, and then Mary got a husband out of the deal, but other than that, we've never seen this supposedly Christian family do much when it comes to good works. The exception to this rule is Lucy during her Habitat for Humanity phase, and when Simon rid Glenoak of that awful druggie kid. "Over nine and a half million people in the United States will go to bed tonight wondering how they're gonna feed their families tomorrow," RevCam PSAs. Ruthie asks how this could be -- doesn't America have enough food for everyone? How could a country with so much have so many people in it with so little? According to this episode, it's because all the poor people keep spending their limited resources on luxuries. RevCam says that it's because poor people are too ashamed to get food stamps. Also, adds Very Amateur Sociologist RevCam, there is and has always been a stigma attached to being poor, and we must all work together to overcome it. You'll notice RevCam doesn't say anything about the actual causes of poverty and working to eradicate them. That's because it's a much more complex issue than just making up some crap about why people don't want food stamps. "But in the meantime," RevCam says; "there is help." Take it away, Black Screen Of Information!
For more information on the food stamp program, call 1-800-221-5689, or go to the food stamp website at www.fns.usda.gov/fsp/. Zoe's family will be accessing the website from their brand new iMac G5 with wireless internet and Bluetooth capability. They had to buy a new computer after Zoe passed out from hunger and knocked over their last one.