The hiatus was long, but not long enough. But it could never be long enough. We open with the stock exterior shot of the CamPound with that Little Tikes red car in the front. Who is using that? The twins are too old for it, according to the Little Tikes official website toy age range guide, and Savannah is obviously too young. Ruthie is probably small enough to fit in it, but she has Martin and Vincent to drive her around. In the CamKitchen, the twins are watching Annie stir chocolate frosting. For what I suspect is not the first time they have asked for clarification on the subject, SamVid ask who the cake is for, and Annie says it's for their grandmother, whose 75th birthday is today. At least, it would have been if she hadn't died in one of the CamPound's many guest bedrooms nine years ago. In fact, I think she died in what is now the twins' bedroom. I hope no one tells them that until they're a lot older. "When you get married and have children, you can teach your children how to make 'Grandma Jenny's Chocolate Cake,'" Annie says. So that's, like, what, year? Season twelve at the very latest. And you know there will be a season twelve. Meanwhile, that sure is an interesting chocolate cake Grandma Jenny came up with, considering that it's quite obviously a yellow cake that Annie is frosting. Maybe she didn't want to make a true chocolate cake, for fear of awakening the CamMen's sexual desires.
Ruthie comes downstairs and announces that she is going out with Vincent. "Not tonight," Annie growls, saying that Ruthie is not to miss tonight's very important and very morbid family dinner. Annie adds that Ruthie hung out with Vincent last night and one night a week is enough. Oh, come on, Annie. It's not like Ruthie has any other friends to hang out with. And why didn't anyone mind when Ruthie spent her every waking moment with her other boyfriend, Peter? Lastly, get over your jealousy issues, Annie. It is possible for your children to spend time with other people and still love you. Unless, of course, they realize how normal other people are and start to resent your controlling ways and rapidly changing mood swings. The twins inform Ruthie that tonight is Grandma Jenny's birthday. Ruthie makes a nice little disgusted smirk. Mackenzie Rosman is always at her acting best when she's being a sulky teenager. Annie sets her jaw and repeats the rule she just came up with about only one night a week with Vincent being enough. Or maybe even too much, she adds warningly, so as to keep Ruthie firmly under her thumb. The twins share a gleeful "our sibling is getting in trouble!" look, and Annie resumes frosting-stirring, a serene smile suddenly plastered on her face.
“ The opening credits have changed yet again! They now include a shot of Lucy holding Savannah, and Martin is nowhere to be seen! Pardon my exclamation points, but the opening credits change is the most exciting thing that ever happens on this show. ”
Ruthie finds Lucy in her room. It should come as no surprise to anyone that Lucy seems to have made zero headway in moving out of her parents' house during the hiatus. Lucy invites Ruthie to join her and Savannah on a trip to the Promenade, where Lucy wants to buy flowers for the dinner. Seeing an opportunity to escape Annie's evil clutches, Ruthie says she'd be happy to go, adding that she doesn't really understand why Lucy is buying flowers that Grandma Jenny will never see. Lucy says that she likes to think that Grandma Jenny and Grandpa Charles are "smiling down" on them from Heaven. I'm glad someone remembered poor old Grandpa, although I really doubt that he and Grandma Jenny are going to take time out of their busy Heaven routine of playing Cloud Golf with Benjamin Franklin and Beethoven to watch the stupid and boring Camdens go about their stupid and boring lives. Especially since the one time they did try it, they totally saw the CamRents having sex in the kitchen while the CamKids sat around in the living room, and vowed to never, ever do it again. Lucy asks Ruthie why she has an attitude. What attitude? I think Ruthie's question was reasonable, especially since we've never seen or heard anything about celebrating Grandma Jenny's birthday before, nor did anyone seem to care too much when her husband, Grandpa Charles, died. For that matter, where have the Colonel and Grandma Ruth been lately? No one seems to give a crap about them, and they're actually alive. A phone rings off-screen, and Annie screams to Ruthie that it's Vincent. Amazingly, Annie will allow Ruthie to speak with him. Lucy says hello to her baby. Insert shot of very cute baby.
Ruthie enters the attic room and picks up the Lame Clear Phone, placing the speaking end of the receiver firmly under her chin. Vincent says he's ready to pick Ruthie up. Ruthie asks if she can just meet him on the Promenade instead, since she'll be there with Lucy anyway. As she's speaking, the Cheesy Split Screen suddenly comes into full effect. You know, I don't even mind the Cheesy Split Screen anymore. In fact, I kind of love the way it just randomly appears and disappears in scenes, regardless of whether or not the phone conversation has ended. It adds a sense of movement to a show that has absolutely none. Vincent and Ruthie make plans to hang out at the pool hall, and Ruthie hangs up on him without saying goodbye, to the wail of the Saxophone of Wayward Daughters.
The opening credits have changed yet again! They now include a shot of Lucy holding Savannah, and Martin is nowhere to be seen! Pardon my exclamation points, but the opening credits change is the most exciting thing that ever happens on this show. I hope that George Stults gets his agent to make some demands for season, though, because the fact that the only cast member he comes before in the credits is the goddamn dog is very wrong.
“ Lucy comes downstairs with Savannah. 'Oh, Savannah, you are so CUTE!' says Annie, and Savannah makes a very scared face. Good Savannah. Smart Savannah. ”
For our Opening Credits Timewaster, we see RevCam hard at work in the church office. Oh, my mistake -- he's not doing any church work at all, but assembling a collage of pictures of Grandma Jenny. It's a nice gesture, although I hope none of those pictures RevCam glued and cut up were actually important to Annie, because they're ruined now. Melissa Gilbert walks in, and RevCam is forced to actually do his job. But first, he shows off his collage, and she makes a sad face, probably because, as collages go, it's really crappy. RevCam thinks Melissa Gilbert is sad that Grandma Jenny is dead, and these people never cease to amaze me with their incredible self-centeredness. Melissa says her problem is actually about her mother, although Melissa concedes that she feels "guilty" for coming to RevCam with it, seeing as neither she nor her mother are actually members of his church, although it is in her mother's neighborhood so that apparently means it has to deal with her problems. This is fabulous news for me, because there's a Seventh Day Adventist church right across the street from my apartment, and I could really use some housecleaning assistance. Surely they, simply by virtue of their proximity to me, will be happy to pitch in for free. My car could use an oil change as well, Seventh Day Adventists! And please pay my cable bill.
Melissa explains that she lives in Texas and has to keep flying back and forth between her home and Glenoak to take care of her mother, whose physical and mental health is declining. I hope Melissa flies on jetBlue airlines! Melissa tells us all about the many medications her mother takes, including her "favorite antacid, which she refuses to give up, whether she needs it or not." SoMelissa's mom is addicted to Rolaids? Better that than morphine, I guess. Melissa says she can't keep taking time off work to deal with her mom, and her boss thinks she should put her mother in a nursing home. "Oh, does he?" asks RevCam, all annoyed that there are other people in the world giving advice. RevCam asks what Mom thinks about all this, and Melissa says she hasn't actually told her mother yet -- he was hoping RevCam could do that for her. In fact, Mom is waiting in the car right now! I hope Melissa cracked a window for her.
Lucy comes downstairs with Savannah. "Oh, Savannah, you are so CUTE!" says Annie, and Savannah makes a very scared face. Good Savannah. Smart Savannah. Lucy says she's going to get Grandma Jenny's favorite flowers -- hydrangeas, if you care -- for the dinner, and Ruthie is coming with her. Ruthie comes downstairs, and Annie asks her how things went with Vincent. Ruthie chooses not to reveal that she'll be going against Annie's wishes and meeting Vincent on the Promenade shortly. Lucy asks if Annie wants her to take SamVid to get them out of Annie's way. "No thanks. They're not in my way," Annie replies with a strange, satisfied smile. Oh my dear god. She killed them, didn't she?
“ Yes, well, if independence was really so important to Nurse Ratched, you'd think she'd just send the hired help away. It's not like she's locked in some mental asylum run by a control freak bent on subverting the will of her inmates. ”
Glenoak PD. Kevin answers his desk phone. It's Ben, who apparently thinks it's okay to call people at work. He also thinks it's okay to make a surprise visit to his brother and invite himself to stay at the CamPound. Kevin says there is no room at the CamPound, but Ben reminds him that Martin is away this weekend at a baseball tournament, leaving the garage apartment free. Except that that is Martin's home, and I doubt he gave anyone permission to enter it, let alone sleep there, so maybe Ben should consider getting a hotel room. Kevin says he does not want Ben to see Savannah before their mother and is this show honestly trying to say that Kevin's mother DIDN'T take the first available flight out to see her brand-new first grandchild? And hasn't seen her AT ALL in the months since she was born? Are you kidding me? My grandparents lived in another country, and they still saw the first-born grandchild (the very adorable, very lovely me) sooner than that! Ben says that maybe Momma Kinkirk doesn't want to be called "Grandma" in front of Frank. Don't worry if you don't know who Frank is, because Ben will over-explain it to you: "You know, her husband? Our stepdad?" There's a long, awkward pause before Kevin says, "I know who Frank is, and he's not our stepdad." Well, now I'm confused. Ben says he'll be over in an hour, since he just flew into Glenoak airport. He hangs up, and Kevin calls his mother. The phone rings once, and there's an answering machine beep without any sort of answering machine message beforehand. Kevin leaves a message for his mom that is basically a summary of the scene we just saw.
We finally meet Melissa Gilbert's mom, who is played by one Louise Fletcher, best known as Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. That's right -- Nurse Freaking Ratched is guest-starring on this show. She won an Oscar, and she is on this show. It's very sad. Nurse Ratched paces around the office and tells RevCam that, contrary to what we just heard from Melissa, she doesn't need all the help her daughter insists on providing for her. Nurse Ratched exposits that Melissa has an MBA and works for an oil company. RevCam asks Nurse Ratched how she goes about her daily life, and Nurse Ratched says she has her groceries delivered and a driver takes her to her doctor. RevCam asks who cooks the groceries, and Nurse Ratched replies that restaurants deliver, too. Meanwhile, this lady hardly looks so infirm so as not to be able to cook for herself. I think she's just lazy. Nurse Ratched says that Melissa Gilbert pays for lots of strangers to help her out, when all she wants is for Melissa to visit more often "and help when she's asked." Yes, well, if independence was really so important to Nurse Ratched, you'd think she'd just send the hired help away. It's not like she's locked in some mental asylum run by a control freak bent on subverting the will of her inmates. Cue the Violins of Sudden Realizations as Nurse Ratched suddenly realizes that there's a reason why she's been sent into this strange man's office to talk about her ability to keep house. "This isn't the first stop on the way to the nursing home, is it?" she asks.