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Annie's planning another big family dinner, this time to celebrate her dead mom's birthday. Everyone bends to her whim except Ruthie, who has plans with Vincent and would rather disobey her mother than break them. Because Ruthie did not HONOR THY MOTHER, God throws a fiery bolt of lightning down at her, and Vincent dumps her and breaks her cold, black heart. Ruthie "cries" about this for a while, but then realizes that her mother is all she needs in life. How sad for Ruthie. Meanwhile, Melissa Gilbert plays a woman who wants RevCam to convince her mom to live in a nursing home, despite the fact that: (a) her mother is quite able-bodied; (b) neither Melissa nor her mother are members of RevCam's church; and (c) something else about Melissa being adopted and hating her job that I didn't really understand on first viewing. Because Melissa did not HONOR THY MOTHER, God throws a fiery bolt of lightning down at her, as she is a lonely old spinster career woman with no hope of ever getting a man. Then her mom gets an ulcer and blames it on her. Good message. Also, Ben visits, ostensibly to see Savannah, but really to get back with the evil marriage- and child-abandoning Mary. I don't know how hanging out in Glenoak will accomplish this, considering that Mary hasn't gone anywhere near that craphole since the beginning of last season, but whatever. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
The hiatus was long, but not long enough. But it could never be long enough. We open with the stock exterior shot of the CamPound with that Little Tikes red car in the front. Who is using that? The twins are too old for it, according to the Little Tikes official website toy age range guide, and Savannah is obviously too young. Ruthie is probably small enough to fit in it, but she has Martin and Vincent to drive her around. In the CamKitchen, the twins are watching Annie stir chocolate frosting. For what I suspect is not the first time they have asked for clarification on the subject, SamVid ask who the cake is for, and Annie says it's for their grandmother, whose 75th birthday is today. At least, it would have been if she hadn't died in one of the CamPound's many guest bedrooms nine years ago. In fact, I think she died in what is now the twins' bedroom. I hope no one tells them that until they're a lot older. "When you get married and have children, you can teach your children how to make 'Grandma Jenny's Chocolate Cake,'" Annie says. So that's, like, what, year? Season twelve at the very latest. And you know there will be a season twelve. Meanwhile, that sure is an interesting chocolate cake Grandma Jenny came up with, considering that it's quite obviously a yellow cake that Annie is frosting. Maybe she didn't want to make a true chocolate cake, for fear of awakening the CamMen's sexual desires.
Ruthie comes downstairs and announces that she is going out with Vincent. "Not tonight," Annie growls, saying that Ruthie is not to miss tonight's very important and very morbid family dinner. Annie adds that Ruthie hung out with Vincent last night and one night a week is enough. Oh, come on, Annie. It's not like Ruthie has any other friends to hang out with. And why didn't anyone mind when Ruthie spent her every waking moment with her other boyfriend, Peter? Lastly, get over your jealousy issues, Annie. It is possible for your children to spend time with other people and still love you. Unless, of course, they realize how normal other people are and start to resent your controlling ways and rapidly changing mood swings. The twins inform Ruthie that tonight is Grandma Jenny's birthday. Ruthie makes a nice little disgusted smirk. Mackenzie Rosman is always at her acting best when she's being a sulky teenager. Annie sets her jaw and repeats the rule she just came up with about only one night a week with Vincent being enough. Or maybe even too much, she adds warningly, so as to keep Ruthie firmly under her thumb. The twins share a gleeful "our sibling is getting in trouble!" look, and Annie resumes frosting-stirring, a serene smile suddenly plastered on her face.
Ruthie finds Lucy in her room. It should come as no surprise to anyone that Lucy seems to have made zero headway in moving out of her parents' house during the hiatus. Lucy invites Ruthie to join her and Savannah on a trip to the Promenade, where Lucy wants to buy flowers for the dinner. Seeing an opportunity to escape Annie's evil clutches, Ruthie says she'd be happy to go, adding that she doesn't really understand why Lucy is buying flowers that Grandma Jenny will never see. Lucy says that she likes to think that Grandma Jenny and Grandpa Charles are "smiling down" on them from Heaven. I'm glad someone remembered poor old Grandpa, although I really doubt that he and Grandma Jenny are going to take time out of their busy Heaven routine of playing Cloud Golf with Benjamin Franklin and Beethoven to watch the stupid and boring Camdens go about their stupid and boring lives. Especially since the one time they did try it, they totally saw the CamRents having sex in the kitchen while the CamKids sat around in the living room, and vowed to never, ever do it again. Lucy asks Ruthie why she has an attitude. What attitude? I think Ruthie's question was reasonable, especially since we've never seen or heard anything about celebrating Grandma Jenny's birthday before, nor did anyone seem to care too much when her husband, Grandpa Charles, died. For that matter, where have the Colonel and Grandma Ruth been lately? No one seems to give a crap about them, and they're actually alive. A phone rings off-screen, and Annie screams to Ruthie that it's Vincent. Amazingly, Annie will allow Ruthie to speak with him. Lucy says hello to her baby. Insert shot of very cute baby.
Ruthie enters the attic room and picks up the Lame Clear Phone, placing the speaking end of the receiver firmly under her chin. Vincent says he's ready to pick Ruthie up. Ruthie asks if she can just meet him on the Promenade instead, since she'll be there with Lucy anyway. As she's speaking, the Cheesy Split Screen suddenly comes into full effect. You know, I don't even mind the Cheesy Split Screen anymore. In fact, I kind of love the way it just randomly appears and disappears in scenes, regardless of whether or not the phone conversation has ended. It adds a sense of movement to a show that has absolutely none. Vincent and Ruthie make plans to hang out at the pool hall, and Ruthie hangs up on him without saying goodbye, to the wail of the Saxophone of Wayward Daughters.
The opening credits have changed yet again! They now include a shot of Lucy holding Savannah, and Martin is nowhere to be seen! Pardon my exclamation points, but the opening credits change is the most exciting thing that ever happens on this show. I hope that George Stults gets his agent to make some demands for season, though, because the fact that the only cast member he comes before in the credits is the goddamn dog is very wrong.
For our Opening Credits Timewaster, we see RevCam hard at work in the church office. Oh, my mistake -- he's not doing any church work at all, but assembling a collage of pictures of Grandma Jenny. It's a nice gesture, although I hope none of those pictures RevCam glued and cut up were actually important to Annie, because they're ruined now. Melissa Gilbert walks in, and RevCam is forced to actually do his job. But first, he shows off his collage, and she makes a sad face, probably because, as collages go, it's really crappy. RevCam thinks Melissa Gilbert is sad that Grandma Jenny is dead, and these people never cease to amaze me with their incredible self-centeredness. Melissa says her problem is actually about her mother, although Melissa concedes that she feels "guilty" for coming to RevCam with it, seeing as neither she nor her mother are actually members of his church, although it is in her mother's neighborhood so that apparently means it has to deal with her problems. This is fabulous news for me, because there's a Seventh Day Adventist church right across the street from my apartment, and I could really use some housecleaning assistance. Surely they, simply by virtue of their proximity to me, will be happy to pitch in for free. My car could use an oil change as well, Seventh Day Adventists! And please pay my cable bill.
Melissa explains that she lives in Texas and has to keep flying back and forth between her home and Glenoak to take care of her mother, whose physical and mental health is declining. I hope Melissa flies on jetBlue airlines! Melissa tells us all about the many medications her mother takes, including her "favorite antacid, which she refuses to give up, whether she needs it or not." So…Melissa's mom is addicted to Rolaids? Better that than morphine, I guess. Melissa says she can't keep taking time off work to deal with her mom, and her boss thinks she should put her mother in a nursing home. "Oh, does he?" asks RevCam, all annoyed that there are other people in the world giving advice. RevCam asks what Mom thinks about all this, and Melissa says she hasn't actually told her mother yet -- he was hoping RevCam could do that for her. In fact, Mom is waiting in the car right now! I hope Melissa cracked a window for her.
Lucy comes downstairs with Savannah. "Oh, Savannah, you are so CUTE!" says Annie, and Savannah makes a very scared face. Good Savannah. Smart Savannah. Lucy says she's going to get Grandma Jenny's favorite flowers -- hydrangeas, if you care -- for the dinner, and Ruthie is coming with her. Ruthie comes downstairs, and Annie asks her how things went with Vincent. Ruthie chooses not to reveal that she'll be going against Annie's wishes and meeting Vincent on the Promenade shortly. Lucy asks if Annie wants her to take SamVid to get them out of Annie's way. "No thanks. They're not in my way," Annie replies with a strange, satisfied smile. Oh my dear god. She killed them, didn't she?
Glenoak PD. Kevin answers his desk phone. It's Ben, who apparently thinks it's okay to call people at work. He also thinks it's okay to make a surprise visit to his brother and invite himself to stay at the CamPound. Kevin says there is no room at the CamPound, but Ben reminds him that Martin is away this weekend at a baseball tournament, leaving the garage apartment free. Except that that is Martin's home, and I doubt he gave anyone permission to enter it, let alone sleep there, so maybe Ben should consider getting a hotel room. Kevin says he does not want Ben to see Savannah before their mother and is this show honestly trying to say that Kevin's mother DIDN'T take the first available flight out to see her brand-new first grandchild? And hasn't seen her AT ALL in the months since she was born? Are you kidding me? My grandparents lived in another country, and they still saw the first-born grandchild (the very adorable, very lovely me) sooner than that! Ben says that maybe Momma Kinkirk doesn't want to be called "Grandma" in front of Frank. Don't worry if you don't know who Frank is, because Ben will over-explain it to you: "You know, her husband? Our stepdad?" There's a long, awkward pause before Kevin says, "I know who Frank is, and he's not our stepdad." Well, now I'm confused. Ben says he'll be over in an hour, since he just flew into Glenoak airport. He hangs up, and Kevin calls his mother. The phone rings once, and there's an answering machine beep without any sort of answering machine message beforehand. Kevin leaves a message for his mom that is basically a summary of the scene we just saw.
We finally meet Melissa Gilbert's mom, who is played by one Louise Fletcher, best known as Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. That's right -- Nurse Freaking Ratched is guest-starring on this show. She won an Oscar, and she is on this show. It's very sad. Nurse Ratched paces around the office and tells RevCam that, contrary to what we just heard from Melissa, she doesn't need all the help her daughter insists on providing for her. Nurse Ratched exposits that Melissa has an MBA and works for an oil company. RevCam asks Nurse Ratched how she goes about her daily life, and Nurse Ratched says she has her groceries delivered and a driver takes her to her doctor. RevCam asks who cooks the groceries, and Nurse Ratched replies that restaurants deliver, too. Meanwhile, this lady hardly looks so infirm so as not to be able to cook for herself. I think she's just lazy. Nurse Ratched says that Melissa Gilbert pays for lots of strangers to help her out, when all she wants is for Melissa to visit more often "and help when she's asked." Yes, well, if independence was really so important to Nurse Ratched, you'd think she'd just send the hired help away. It's not like she's locked in some mental asylum run by a control freak bent on subverting the will of her inmates. Cue the Violins of Sudden Realizations as Nurse Ratched suddenly realizes that there's a reason why she's been sent into this strange man's office to talk about her ability to keep house. "This isn't the first stop on the way to the nursing home, is it?" she asks.
Shockingly, the usually well-stocked Promenade has no hydrangeas for sale. Ruthie asks if she can go to the bookstore to buy a book for school while Lucy calls around town to find a place that sells these rare flowers. Lucy agrees, and Ruthie takes off. Lucy does an "I'm SUSPICIOUS" eye-narrow as she watches Ruthie walk away.
RevCam has gone back to talking to Melissa. She denies that she hates her big oil company job, although she admits that she hates her boss. Good for you, Melissa, but I thought the issue here was Nurse Ratched, and her selective independence. RevCam breaks it down: he doesn't think Nurse Ratched needs Melissa's help. Melissa says she does, because she's in her seventies. "How is she gonna get to the doctor, and eat, and take care of the house if I don't provide that for her?" Melissa asks. I don't understand how someone could be as stupid as Melissa. In fact, I don't understand this storyline at all. Why is Melissa sending paid help to her mother's house if her mother doesn't want or need the help, and why doesn't Nurse Ratched just refuse the help her daughter is trying to force on her? What is the relevance of how Melissa feels about her job? RevCam says Nurse Ratched's only problem appears to be that her bad eyesight makes it impossible for her to drive, adding that the church has a driving service that Nurse Ratched is free to take advantage of, even though she's not a member of said church. RevCam says he could even introduce Nurse Ratched to the church seniors group, so she can have friends who look out for her. Melissa says this is unacceptable, as it is her duty to take care of her mother and make sure she is provided for at all times. Just keep taking on those unnecessary hardships and then complaining about them, there, Melissa.
Ruthie sits down to Lucy, who immediately notices that she did not buy a book. Ruthie says the bookstore didn't have her book, but that she saw Vincent and he offered to drive her to the mall so they could check out the bookstore there. Lucy says she'll just call Annie and make sure it's okay with her. Ruthie says she's sure it will be fine; after all, this is for school. Lucy says she doesn't feel comfortable leaving the house with Ruthie and not coming back with her, but Ruthie says that she's "all grown up" and "the baby's in the pram." "Pram"? Is Ruthie English now? And who cares where the baby is? Lucy tells Ruthie to go to the mall, but if Annie has a problem with it, then Lucy is going to let Ruthie take all the blame. Ruthie says that's fine.
We have entered group therapy mode of the Melissa-Nurse Ratched storyline, and RevCam sits between the two as they talk about their problems. Melissa doesn't want Nurse Ratched to live alone. Nurse Ratched doesn't want Melissa to live alone. Great! They can both go live in a nursing home, and this weird storyline can end. "Why don't you get a roommate? Or better yet, why don't you get married?" asks Nurse Ratched. "Oh, I know -- it's because you're not involved with anyone and you're what, forty?" Melissa jumps back, stung. I can't imagine why she doesn't visit home more often. But I shouldn't feel sorry for Melissa, as she is an Evil Single Woman. I suspected as much when they said she had an MBA and a job, but now we have confirmation. Nurse Ratched and Melissa bicker about the nursing home some more, and Nurse Ratched says she wants to move into a small condo near a bus stop. "A bus?! I don't want you riding a bus!" Melissa hates buses. RevCam tries to insert himself into the conversation by mentioning the church's miracle van system again, but Melissa and Nurse Ratched ignore him. Nurse Ratched says that Melissa doesn't make her decisions for her, and vice versa. Although if Nurse Ratched did get to make decisions for Melissa, she'd make her quit that job she hates. Melissa says she doesn't want to quit her job. Nurse Ratched says Melissa is trying to get fired by jetting off to Glenoak all the time, even though she just said that Melissa should visit MORE often. Then, explains Nurse Ratched, Melissa can blame her for losing her job. Melissa says that if something happens to Nurse Ratched and Melissa isn't around, then Nurse Ratched can blame her. Not if she's dead, she can't! RevCam butts in and says that now that everyone is getting things out and starting to make actual progress, they should take a break and reconvene tomorrow. He also invites them to church, saying Nurse Ratched can meet some of the church seniors there. Melissa angrily says that she didn't come to RevCam so he could figure out a solution; she came so he could help her force her mother into the nursing home. "Get it?" she barks. "Yeah," says RevCam. Nurse Ratched look disappointed, probably because she can't order lobotomies on RevCam or Melissa, as they've both obviously already had them.
Kevin enters the garage apartment, where Ben is watching cartoon sound effects on the TV. Ben offers to rent the garage apartment if Martin ever moves out. I don't know why he has to wait for Martin to move out, seeing as he's already made himself quite at home with Martin still living there. Kevin says he doesn't think Martin will be doing that anytime soon. Damn! I was so hopeful after he got dropped from the opening credits, too. Ben asks what time dinner is. How about whatever time you go and buy it yourself, Mr. Presumptuous Houseguest? Kevin says he's sure it will be soon, and while they're waiting, Ben can meet Savannah. Ben refuses to do this until film has been purchased and loaded into the camera, because he wants his first moment with his niece to be preserved forever. If this was so important, you'd think Ben would have come to Glenoak with his own camera and a few fresh rolls of film, but no.
Annie yells at Lucy for leaving Ruthie with Vincent. Lucy shrugs and says she told Ruthie to call, and Annie elephant-stomps away. ANNIE ANGRY! ANNIE GO CHECK ON FAKE CHOCOLATE CAKE TO MAKE SURE IT NOT BURN!
Eddie's Pool Hall. Vincent and Ruthie finish a game, and Vincent asks if they can eat dinner now, because he wants to talk. Uh oh.
RevCam comes home to find Annie glaring at Grandma Jenny's Liar Layer Cake. She tells him about Ruthie disobeying her orders. "I am really angry. And I am really disappointed," says Annie, tears springing to her eyes. Oh my god, Annie. If Ruthie disobeying your stupid little made-up one-date-a-week rule that you never applied to any of your other children makes you this upset, then I hope that Ruthie takes up smoking or something so you can throw yourself off a bridge. RevCam says he'll go get Ruthie, which won't be difficult considering the fact that all CamKids have homing devices implanted in their bodies. Annie tells him not to bother -- once Ruthie gets home, her dating privileges will be taken away for a while. "A LONG WHILE," Annie says, shaking with misplaced rage. Annie says her special night is ruined -- wait! No, it's not! Because Annie is going to go off on some weird tangent about how being a mother is not about letting your kids do whatever they want so that they like you. "I want her to like me, and I want her to love me. But I think what's most important is that she respect me. And, um, this is just utterly disrespectful," she says, and it's a good thing Annie has realized this now after raising only four screwed-up kids. Hopefully, she'll figure out that kids don't respect parents who create arbitrarily rules before SamVid come of age, although considering the fact that they've already seen a long-dead relative they never met get a bigger and better birthday celebration than their own, it's probably already too late for them. RevCam gives Annie the crappy collage, and she cries some more.
Lucy finds the twins in the hallway, all dressed up for the big dinner. I've never known children who were so eager to put uncomfortable formalwear on as these two. SamVid explain that they want to look their best for this dinner, just in case Grandma Jenny and God are watching them. I laugh and laugh at the idea that God, or Grandma Jenny for that matter, don't have anything better to do than watch this crazy-ass family sit around the dinner table and talk about what a bad-ass Ruthie is now. Speak of el diablo, SamVid wonder if they should go get her. "Maybe she's still getting dressed," Vid says, looking sort of hopeful at the thought of walking in on a half-naked sister. SamVid say Ruthie better get here soon, because if she's late, she won't get any of Grandma Jenny's Chocolate Cake That Isn't Chocolate. "[Bark!]" says Happy. "…" says Savannah. I have to say, the addition of Savannah to this show just gets better and better; now, instead of having just one time-filling reaction shot from a character who is incapable of understanding, let alone truly reacting to, what's going on, we get two!
Kevin and Ben go to the Promenade for all of their film-buying needs. If I were them, I would have just made the church van service go out and buy it for me, and then deliver it to my doorstep. Kevin's anxious to get back home, but Ben wants to talk for a while away from the Camdens. Silly Ben! There is no "away from the Camdens" unless you visit one of the forty-five states whose existence is not acknowledged in the CamVerse. There were forty-six until Texas was unfortunate enough to come into existence earlier this episode.
Predictably, the dinner talk has not gone well, as Ruthie is crying. Vincent says he wasn't expecting her to be so emotional. "How did you expect me to react?" Ruthie says, her crying voice sounding a lot like that weird old French woman voice she had in the musical episode (no, I will not link to it, because there is the chance that someone might click on the link and then read about the musical episode, and no one should have to read about it, let alone watch it). Vincent tries to console Ruthie by saying that she, like he, will have other boyfriends. "I hope not!" Ruthie says. Vincent gives up and offers to take her home. Ruthie says she doesn't want to go home, because she missed her dead grandma's birthday dinner to be with him. "I've never even heard you mention [Grandma Jenny]," Vincent says. "That's because she's DEAD!" says Ruthie.
Annie tells Lucy how grateful she is for the flowers and all the "trouble" Lucy went to to get them. Lucy takes all the favorite daughter vibes in, then "casually" mentions that Savannah is currently wearing the sweater that Grandma Jenny made for baby Lucy. And Lucy is wearing Grandma Jenny's locket. SamVid asks what Grandma Jenny gave them. "Well, she gave you and all of us…Mom," Lucy answers. I'll never complain about getting a crappy present again.
RevCam walks into the kitchen, talking on the phone. He tells his caller that he knows "everyone in the Emergency Room," and he will "make sure [the caller is] taken care of." This may sound strange, but you have to remember that RevCam has had, like, five heart attacks, and Annie's given birth to seven children and made countless off-camera suicide attempts. So, between the two of them, they have to be very well-acquainted with the Emergency Room staff. I do find it alarming, however, that by virtue of knowing RevCam, this caller will now apparently be given access to better medical care. One wonders if PaulSmith would have survived had the Glenoak EMTs tended to his wounds BEFORE applying Band-Aids and Neosporin to Simon's. Anyway, while RevCam tries to calm down his obviously upset caller, Annie actually has the audacity to interrupt and ask if that is Melissa Gilbert on the phone. RevCam replies that it is, and Nurse Ratched was just admitted to the ER for angina and a possible heart attack. Annie grabs the phone away. "Hi, it's Annie!" she begins, as if this is an acceptable introduction to someone who is in the hospital with her mother and has never met you, let alone asked to talk to you. Annie tells Melissa to "hang in there, okay? It's gonna be fine." And how does Annie know that? When her own mother faced a health crisis, she DIED! That wasn't fine at all! And now, nine years later, Annie still hasn't gotten over it. Not that you every could completely get over something like that, or that a 75th birthday remembrance dinner is a bad thing to do, but I think it's obvious that Annie has some real issues when it comes to dealing with this stuff. Unless by "hang in there," Annie literally meant that Melissa should try to hang herself, which would make much more sense.
"I know how important your mom is to you," Annie tells Melissa, except that Annie doesn't know that, since she has never met Melissa before. Shit, I've actually seen Melissa and I have no idea what her deal is with her mom. Is she trying to force an able-bodied woman into a nursing home so she won't have to deal with her anymore, or is she just over-concerned? Does she hate her oil company job, or just her boss? Why can't she just get married and start a family, like a good, normal woman? And would it really kill Nurse Ratched to let them watch the World Series? Annie promises that RevCam will get to the hospital, then hangs up the phone. I hope Melissa had nothing else she needed to say to RevCam. He says he'll be right back, to which Annie tells him that "if [he's] not right back, even if [he's] gone for a long time, [she'll] be right here for [him] when [he gets] home." Oh, yeah, she'll be waiting for him, all right. Don't think I've forgotten what happened the last time RevCam skipped dinner to hang out with an Evil Single Woman. That time, only fast food got thrown into the garbage disposal. This time, certain parts of the RevAnatomy are sure to follow. But RevCam is so happy to get away from Annie's Mental Breakdown Dead Momma Dinner that he doesn't even think about that. He does a small double fist-pump and leaves.
Annie turns to Lucy, who I forgot was even in this scene, and says "it's the right thing to do. It's the only thing to do." As long as Annie tells herself that after everything she does, she can continue to exist in her fantasy land, where she is a really good person. Annie says the dinner with everyone except Ruthie and RevCam will be "nice." "Gurgle," says Savannah, as she tries to escape the confines of her highchair.
Kevin yells at Ben, who apparently just told him that he's trying to get back together with Mary now that she left her husband and child. Because a woman who abandons her family is quite a catch. Suddenly, Ruthie runs out of the Pool Hall and into Kevin's arms. Vincent comes out, and she tearfully tells him to leave her alone, and that he's the worst boyfriend ever, which, take a look at reality, Ruthie: he's your ex-boyfriend. He dumped your ass! Kevin and Ben circle Vincent and make idle threats. Vincent leaves, happy to not have to give this emotionally unstable young lady a ride home.
Night has fallen over the CamPound. SamVid, Lucy, and Savannah hang out in the kitchen, and we start the scene off creepily with SamVid saying, "Can't she eat anything but you?" It's supposed to be this cute Family Circus-y "kids phrase things funny!" joke, but…no. Because, depending on how far in the gutter your mind is, this line either gives you a mental image of Savannah performing a sexual act on Lucy, or of Savannah ripping pieces of her mother's flesh from her arm and chewing them greedily as the blood dribbles down her chin. Not cute. Kevin comes home and asks where Annie is. Lucy says she's upstairs. Kevin asks how angry Annie is with Ruthie. Lucy says she's pretty angry. Don't forget disappointed! Lucy asks what's going on, and Kevin signals to her to get the twins out of the room. This is easily accomplished when Lucy asks them to get Savannah a toy.
Kevin can now speak freely, and he tells Lucy about the Ruthie stuff we just saw in the last scene, and says that she's in the car with Ben. She can't stop crying, and she won't leave the car. Lucy leaves to talk to her. Kevin sits down in front of Savannah and actually manages to utter a creepier line than SamVid's: "You're never dating -- never. When you get old enough to get married [12], your mom and I will pick out a nice boy [also 12] for you." Because arranged marriages always work out so well.
In the car, Ben tries his very best to make Ruthie feel better. He says Vincent wasn't "good enough" for Ruthie, and that she's "good-looking and nice and popular and smart." Apparently Ben is making sure he's got options if the thing with Mary doesn't work out. Lucy gets in the car and orders Ben to leave, but not to see Savannah, because Lucy wants to be present for the Big Occasion. Ben assures Ruthie that Vincent will regret breaking up with her, just like he regrets breaking up with Mary. He leaves. Lucy makes a face.
Ruthie tells Lucy that she doesn't want to see her. Lucy says that's just too bad, adding that she feels "badly [sic]" for Ruthie. She remembers when Jimmy Moon dumped her, and how much it hurt. "So does hearing about it," says Ruthie, "please don't talk to me." Ha! It's like she's reading my mind! There won't be any not talking about Lucy when Lucy is around, though, so she starts telling Ruthie about the time Matt caught her trying to lose her virginity to Jordan. "What a night that was!" says Lucy. Oh, I know. I was there. It was awful. "I'm already in pain," Ruthie says, "please -- no Jimmy Moon. No Big Lips." Rock on, Ruthie. I love how this show always calls poor Jordan "big lips." I wonder what he did to piss Brenda Hampton off so much. Not as much as Jessica Biel did, though! Lucy says they can later, after Ruthie is married to a wonderful man. I guess I'll be recapping that talk episode, then. Ruthie says that will never happen, because she's going to her room and never coming out. Not true, Ruthie -- just look at Lucy! She never leaves her bedroom, and she managed to land an attractive police officer and graduate college! Ruthie says she was stupid to pick Vincent over her family. "We love you anyway," says Lucy. Well, that's noble of them.
RevCam has made it to the ER, and we find out through exposition dialogue that Nurse Ratched has an ulcer, but will be okay. "I'm quitting my job and moving here," says Melissa, who just doesn't get it. A doctor comes out and says that they're keeping Nurse Ratched overnight, but Melissa can see her now. Melissa asks RevCam to come in with her, because the emotional bond between these relative strangers is just that strong. They go in, and there is Nurse Ratched, who announces that she has made up her mind to sell the house and buy a condo. And what better time to make these important life decisions than when high on prescription painkillers? Melissa has an announcement too: she's going to fire Nurse Ratched's help, quit her job, and move in with her mom to take care of her. "Congratulations on leaving your job!" says Nurse Ratched, and I still don't understand what Melissa's feelings about her job has to do with anything.
Nurse Ratched says that she and Melissa would hate living together. Melissa says that doesn't matter because she has to take care of her mother. "Well, that is so pathetic," says Nurse Ratched, as Louise Fletcher suddenly realizes that some things just aren't worth the money. Nurse Ratched says she taught Melissa to take care of herself, just like her mother taught her to take care of herself, which is what she intends to do. As for Melissa, she should get a better job and travel around the world, and, of course, "start a family." "With who?" asks Melissa. "'Whom,'" corrects Nurse Ratched. That right there would be enough for me to be okay with walking out of this woman's life. Nurse Ratched adds that if Melissa doesn't find the right man, she can always do what she and Melissa's dad did: adopt. "You never mentioned…" RevCam starts, and it would have been hilarious if Melissa didn't know she was adopted until just now. But, no. Melissa gets in a good line when she snaps a "What does it matter?" in response. We learn that the reason why Melissa is so obsessed with taking care of her mother is because she is so grateful to her for adopting her. Whatever. Nurse Ratched says repayment isn't necessary, and Melissa's constant worry stressed her out so much that she got an ulcer. Way to blame, Mom. I'm just pissed that a golden opportunity for RevCam to tell us about Ruthie's adoption has yet again been missed.
Nurse Ratched says that when she does die, she wants Melissa to remember her fondly, not be relieved that her burden is finally over, like Annie was when her father died. RevCam offers up this pearl of wisdom: "It seems like there are two types of children: those who don't take care of their parents when they get old, and those who do." And some are sons, while the rest are daughters. Shut up, RevCam. Melissa and Mom ignore the silly man they invited into their lives as he blathers on about how Melissa should always do what her mother tells her to, and the church they don't belong to will always be there for them.
Annie kicks Lucy out of the car. She gets in and tries not to laugh as she tells Ruthie that she heard about Vincent. Ruthie says Vincent's parents thought he shouldn't see just one person, and he agreed because he didn't think their relationship was "going anywhere," i.e. Vincent found a girl who would have sex with him. Annie hugs Ruthie, and Ruthie asks her how she can be so nice when Ruthie was "so bad." Oh, good Christ, Ruthie, it's not like you murdered Vincent or, worse, TP'ed a gym. Annie tells Ruthie that she can't date for a month. Ruthie thinks that's just fine. Annie adds that Ruthie has to ask for her permission before she does anything, and she can only talk on the phone for fifteen minutes. So, Annie says, when Vincent calls, begging to Ruthie to take him back, she can only talk to him for fifteen minutes. And Annie assures Ruthie that Vincent will come back, because all teenage boys do. Yeah, don't build up false expectations in poor Ruthie's head or anything there, Annster. Ruthie says that the whole time she was with Vincent today, she couldn't enjoy herself because she felt so guilty about lying to Annie. Ruthie says the "pain" of being rejected and defying her mother was more than she could take. Would someone please give this family some real problems? Annie hugs Ruthie. "I'm here for you, Ruthie," she says, "to share your joy and your pain." And she'll never leave. "We'll get through this," she says, her arm wrapped around Ruthie's neck.
Kevin takes a picture of Ben and Lucy with Savannah. Yes, the Ben's First Look At Savannah moment that this show has been telling us is so important has, of course, occurred off-screen. Lucy asks Ben if he wants to hold Savannah. Ben is afraid he'll drop her. Kevin agrees. Lucy demands that Ben hold Savannah, and hands him the baby. Ben gets all cute and excited about holding the baby, and the phone rings. Lucy leaves to answer it. It's Bo "Mrs. Kinkirk" Derek! "Hello, Lucy? It's Kevin's mom," she says. Unless Bo's character's name actually is "Kevinsmom," it does not make any sense that she would introduce herself like that, especially considering Kevin's earlier claim that they talk to her all the time. Lucy invites Bo and Frank out to see Savannah. Bo says she wanted to visit, but figured that with Ben out there "chasing down Mary," she didn't think it was a good time. Lucy makes a face. Commercial.
Kevin talks to Bo in a Cheesy Split Screen. Bo says she didn't want to come over and visit until both Lucy and Kevin expressly invited her out. Plus, she thinks Kevin and Lucy should have time to "bond" with Savannah before in-laws invade. Except that Kevin is currently living with his in-laws while he and Lucy bond with Savannah, so obviously that's not an issue for him. Bo adds that Kevin shouldn't have told Ben about Mary leaving her husband. Kevin says he didn't. And neither did Lucy. Then who did?
Lucy talks to Ben about Mary and her evilness, and Ben reveals that Mary actually called him after she left Carlos and Charles. He says Mary didn't seem "all that happy" about leaving her husband, but that's okay, because now Ben can be with her. "Are you out of your mind?" Lucy yells, adding that it's in everyone's best interests that Mary stays with her husband and child. Unless, of course, Carlos is abusive towards her or cheated on her, not like anyone in that family considered an option in which Mary is not completely to blame for everything. Lucy tells Ben to forget Mary and find someone else, adding that Mary may be "confused," but that she has Annie as inspiration, so there's no way Mary will abandon her wifely and motherly duties.
Kevin's still on the phone with Bo. They start off in separate shots, but quickly the Cheesy Split Screen returns. Bo complains that ever since she remarried, Kevin has cut her out of his life. As she speaks, the Cheesy Split Screen ends, shoving her off the screen and making her voice switch to an over-the-phone filter in mid-sentence. Ridiculous. RevCam enters and stands to Kevin so he can listen in. He interrupts Kevin's conversation to ask why Annie and Ruthie are in the car, like, couldn't he have asked THEM? Kevin tells RevCam about Ruthie's break-up and returns to his phone conversation. As RevCam leaves the room, the Cheesy Split Screen returns. Kevin tells Bo to bring Frank out to see the baby. "All right, I will," says Bo. I'm glad that's settled. Bo says that when she had her first baby, her mother-in-law spent weeks and weeks with them, and while she liked her mother-in-law, it did get to be too much. "I think we have the opposite problem," Kevin says. Lucy runs up and grabs the phone away from him and tells Bo and Frank to visit, and not to wait until she and Kevin get a house. "Savannah might be in school by then!" she says. "No, she won't," says Kevin. Except that she totally will.
RevCam, SamVid, and Ben are at the dinner table. RevCam isn't sure if he should start eating or not, since Annie hasn't given him permission. Annie enters with Ruthie and orders everyone to eat. They do. Ruthie informs RevCam that Vincent dumped her, like, WE KNOW and HE KNOWS and WE KNOW HE KNOWS, so why is this even necessary? "You sad?" RevCam asks. "Yeah, but I still have my mom!" says Ruthie. "ALWAYS," says Annie. So scary. Lucy and Kevin enter with the baby, eliciting a growl from Happy. Oooh, is there a hidden storyline here about Happy being jealous of Savannah and all the attention she gets? That might actually be interesting.
Annie says that everything they're eating is from her mother's recipe book. If that "chocolate" cake is anything to go by, I'm guessing that the baked chicken is actually ham, the green beans are carrots, and the sweet potato soufflé is Martin. Baseball tournament weekend, my ass! RevCam proposes a toast. "To Grandma Jenny!" he says. "And to Mom!" says Kevin. "And to Lucy!" says Annie. "To mothers and daughters!" says Ruthie. "Even Mary!" says Ben. Everyone quickly lowers their glasses and make faces at the thought of offering symbolic support to evil Mary. I guess Brenda's mom never taught her how to let go of old grudges.