Nothing gets me involved in a show faster than watching pubescent child actors deliver their lines in the most unconvincing way possible. Which is why we begin with Ruthie on the Lame Clear Phone with Peter, yelling at him for being too sick to go to church. Maria said she was looking forward to seeing him there, thus proving that she still doesn't have a good enough grasp on the English language to be able to properly convey sarcasm. Peter doesn't think it's weird that Maria's going to a Protestant church when she's almost definitely Roman Catholic, but he does think it's weird that she want to see him. Ruthie doesn't; she explains that Maria "just got here" because she's on one of those nonexistent junior high one-month student exchange programs and she doesn't have many friends. And really, you'd think Peter, of all people, would be fairly sympathetic to that. But no: Peter says he doesn't like Maria, although he won't give Ruthie a reason why. So Ruthie tells him that she doesn't want to see him anymore, and says she's going to hang up. That's right: this family won't take the three seconds to say a polite "goodbye" on the phone, but they will take significantly longer than that to announce their intention to rudely hang up. It's really pretty incredible. Uh oh! Maria seems to have gotten into the Camden spirit quickly, as she was listening to Ruthie's phone call from behind a plank of wood that Annie, with her master craftsmanship, put up to serve as the bedroom's closet. Which is also the bedroom's doorway.
Mac knocks on Martin's door. Martin's not too happy to see him. Mac tries to apologize, saying he doesn't want to "lose" Martin "over this," but Martin doesn't want to hear it -- until Mac tells him that Asslee dumped him not because of how Mac lied about the sex thing, but because she's been talking to Simon.
Mac walks back down the hall, past RevCam, who's all, "Uh, hi, stranger in my house. I hope you're staying for dinner!" Martin comes out of his room, tells RevCam he doesn't want to talk, and heads into the bathroom. Maria comes downstairs, and RevCam greets her. She immediately tells him that she doesn't want to talk to him, which is very rude, but also understandable. Matt comes out of nowhere, and RevCam starts trying to ask him what he was doing out all night with Heather. Because someone on the writing staff studied comedy's Rule of Threes, Matt doesn't want to talk, either. I think they forgot to study the part of the rule where stuff is supposed to actually be funny, though, because that totally wasn't. RevCam decides to ignore Matt's request because he's already been rejected twice and a third time just might break him. He tells Matt that PC called last night and Peter the Dumbass told her that Matt was out with Heather. Matt leaves in a huff. Because one person has left a scene, another one must enter. So Annie comes in and asks what's going on. RevCam says that something is, but no one's talking. And since this is a show built around several actors who cannot act, people must rely solely on exposition dialogue to tell them how people feel and what's going on. Annie doesn't care because she's so happy that Simon's coming home. "Only for the summer," RevCam says. Annie says that she can dream. Dream what? That Simon drops out of college and lives in the CamPound forever? Annie wasn't too thrilled when Mary tried that.
Chandler stares at his phone like the pathetic loser he is. Jeffrey walks on in and tells Chandler he should just call Kendull and get it over with. Chandler tells Jeffrey that knocking is considered polite in civilized society, although so is saying good-bye before you hang up the phone, and I don't see anyone on this show doing that. Jeffrey says he "know[s] about knocking." But he doesn't do it, probably because he was hoping to enter the house and catch Chandler in a compromising situation. That's the only reason I can think of for someone to just walk on into someone's private home like that. Jeffrey tells Chandler he had better call Kendull before Jeffrey grows up and calls her instead. Oh, ew, Jeffrey. Get your nonexistent hormones under control. Chandler tells Jeffrey that he doesn't like Kendull that way, and she has a boyfriend besides. Jeffrey sniffs and asks Chandler if he "smell[s] that." "Gas?" Chandler says. I guess no one told Jeffrey it's impolite to fart in civilized society. Actually, Jeffrey smells "chicken." I guess that's supposed to be because Chandler's afraid to call Kendull, but really, it just makes it seem like Chandler's house smells like gas and chicken. Mrs. Bink's going to have a fun time cleaning that place out when Chandler moves. Chandler and Jeffrey exit, Chandler doing his little pretend-to-strangle-Jeffrey routine that teases me so.
Oh, good -- it's Kevin and Lucy in all their marital bliss. Lucy childishly tells Kevin that she's going to church with her family, and she intends to spend the rest of the day with them, too. Kevin's all, "Fine, whatever," trying to conceal how happy the prospect of a day without his naggy wife makes him.
A sympathetic nurse helps a panicky Carlos put on his surgical gown. He's starting to regret not having his family around for this.
Seventh Heaven,
I won't have to see their crappy faces,
For a whole summer.
Seventh Heaven,
Except in some classic recaps,
which will be a bummer.
Two characters will goooo!
By end of tonight.
Send Ruthie to Mexicooooo!
And make Season Nine bright.
Seventh Heaven.
MMMMMMMMMMMM! Seeeeeventh Heaven.
[Happy barks, guitar solo, angelic voices]
It's the last Opening Credits Timewaster of the season, and they're gonna make it count: Annie dials a phone number, lets it ring, then hangs up. She crosses out a name in her little black book, then dials another number, lets it ring, and hangs up. But she isn't going through her daily ritual of crank-calling the neighbors to alleviate her boredom; when RevCam asks, Annie says she's been trying to call Mary and Carlos on all their phones but she isn't getting an answer. She's concerned, as you can see by the way the corners of her mouth have turned down at an almost ninety-degree angle. RevCam tells her to keep calling.
Peter reads the Sunday funnies and tries to not die laughing at the hee-larious Family Circus. You see, the whole family was at church, and then Dolly mixed up a word to comedic effect and Angel Grandpa looked down on them all from Heaven where he was playing golf with some famous dead people. Do you think Brenda had to buy a second refrigerator to accommodate her perpetually-growing enormous of ripped-from-the-paper panels of Family Circus? I bet she does. And she sticks them all on her fridge with magnets that say things like "World's Best Mom!!!" and "I'm a SUPER kid!!!" Paris comes home and tells Peter that he just missed a good sermon. I guess she went to a different church this week. Also, Peter? Your hair is whiter than my granddad's. My granddad is eighty years old. Please stop dyeing your hair. Paris tells Peter that she knows he's faking sick, and he better find someone to talk to about it. But not her, because she leaves. Paris Petrowski: Mother of the Year.
Kendull walks into the church offices without knocking and announces that she can't tutor Jeffrey if Chandler's interested in her. "You must think a lot of yourself," Chandler responds. Kendull says she does, in fact, think a lot of herself, and that Chandler is a very lonely man who needs a girlfriend, and she can't be that girl. Chandler says that he doesn't like Kendull. Kendull says the feeling is mutual. Thus, it is decided that Kendull can still tutor Jeffrey. Oh, thank GOD. I spent the entire forty-five seconds of that scene worried that Jeffrey would lose his tutor, and then no one would know how gifted he is. This certainly is quite the exciting season finale!
Roxanne meets up with Kevin at the Promenade. They're both wearing multicolored striped shirts. They really do make a better couple than Lucy and Kevin. Kevin says that Lucy's been acting "more nuts" than usual all week. Roxanne's kind of pissed: apparently, she was hoping that Kevin wanted to talk to her about whatever mysterious activity she's been up to "for the past several months." Change that to "since last episode, sort of" and your timing might be more accurate, Roxanne. Kevin says that he, unlike everyone else he interacts with on a regular basis, knows how to mind his own business. Roxanne says that this is his business, because she won't be his partner anymore. Kevin says he heard that Roxanne is going for detective, and he thinks that's great, although Lucy has some problems with it. Roxanne says that she isn't going for detective -- she doesn't even want to be a cop anymore! Kevin makes the expression he uses when he can't use the smirky one. Roxanne tells him to sit down. They do, and as Roxanne is about to speak…
…we cut to Carlos pacing the hospital halls. Well, cutting a scene off right before it could get interesting and not allowing us to hear information first-hand has been a staple of this show all season, so I guess they might as well end things they way they started them. PC walks down the hall, all excited that Mary's in labor. Carlos tells her to vamonos; Mary doesn't want any family around. He asks PC to call the CamRents and tell them that their daughter's in labor. Can't Carlos call the CamRents his own damn self? If he's got time to pace nervously around the hallway, then he's got time to call the CamRents. PC says that she can't call the CamRents; Matt might answer the phone and then she'd have to talk to him, which is a very mature way to deal with your marital problems. PC then realizes that Mary having a baby is slightly more important that her lame marriage anyway, and agrees to call the CamPound. But not without a great deal of whining about how she "stupidly pushed [Matt] into seeing his old girlfriend." Oh, so now we're supposed to think it's PC's fault that Matt stays out with his ex-girlfriend all night? Thanks, Brenda. Suddenly, the sympathetic nurse comes down the hall to give Carlos an update on Mary. She also has a message for PC, who Mary psychically predicted was there. The message is: go away, and don't call my crappy parents.
Martin calls Asslee. She answers the phone, only to hang up on him. Asslee's phone rings again, but this time it's Simon. He's standing outside a "Zuggler's Gas," halfway through his road trip back to Glenoak, and he's afraid something's wrong with Asslee. Besides her scary doll-hair and inability to speak with any feeling, that is. Asslee tells him not to worry, and that she has to go see Martin. Then she hangs up on him.
RevCam asks Martin what's wrong. Martin says that Asslee won't talk to him. "I'll talk to you!" RevCam says, sounding just a little too eager. Martin asks if Simon has been talking to Asslee. RevCam knows nothing, because he really hasn't spoken to Simon since he dropped him off at the bus station in November, has he? Martin takes off.
RevCam runs into Matt in the hall and asks him why he skipped church. Was it because he committed the sin of adultery and is now afraid to "face God"? Matt tells RevCam he doesn't have time to talk to him, because he has a date. With Heather. RevCam tries to butt in, and Matt tells him to stay out of this: this is Matt's life, Matt's marriage, and Matt's business. RevCam looks sad, but maybe if he had raised Matt to not marry someone after only knowing her for a day just so he could get laid, this wouldn't be happening.
Maria's packing to go home because, as she explains to Ruthie, Peter doesn't like her and she doesn't want to cause any more problems. I can't believe I'm still being subjected to this subplot.
Matt answers the phone. Whoops! It's PC. She needs to speak to RevCam, but Matt wants to know if she's upset about "last night," like it's unreasonable for PC to be a little peeved that her husband spent the entire night with an ex-girlfriend. PC says she's happy that Matt at least had the decency to wait "almost" a day before he started cheating on her. Except that her voice cracks when she says "cheating" so it sounds more like "chi-ing," and that Matt and Heather spent the night learning martial arts. Matt gets defensive and says that he wasn't cheating on her. PC whines that she thought they were going to try to keep their marriage together (although how she expected this to happen when she was also sending him back to Glenoak for a summer, I don't know), and says that Matt isn't doing a very good job of it. Matt says he can't talk to PC when she's "like this." Like what? Speaking in a reasonable tone, saying some very reasonable things about a serious subject that warrants further discussion? I guess the Camden men like their women hysterical and crazy. ["Good thing, too." -- Sars] PC tells Matt to put RevCam on the phone, and to tell Heather that she says hi. Matt gets all pissy and hands the phone off the RevCam. RevCam asks if PC wants to talk about Matt. PC says she actually wants to talk about Mary. Disappointment spreads over RevCam's face, followed by concern when PC says that she's not supposed to tell him anything, but…
Vic and Peter are having a man-to-man talk about Latina women, and how Peter believes that they use the "needing help on math homework" excuse to lure innocent men into their trap. Vic laughs at Peter's fears and tells him to just tell Maria that he's not interested and leave it at that. But Peter heard some rumors in gym class about how Maria "doesn't take 'no' for an answer." That's right: Maria's the serial rapist of Glenoak Junior High. Vic asks what else Peter heard. Peter says…
Asslee's dad clears his throat. Oh, the suspense of not knowing what else Peter's classmates are saying about Maria shall surely kill me. Mr. Smith tells Martin that Asslee refuses to talk to him. Martin asks if she's been talking to Simon. Asslee's dad doesn't know, but he is going to have a sandwich. Would Martin like to have one, too?
Pam meets Mac on the Promenade. He asks her if she wants him to beg for his forgiveness, or grovel for it. Pam asks what the difference is between the two, like, surely that's the first thing you and the guy who tried to trick you into sleeping with him should address. Mac says groveling involves "a lot of kneeling." Apparently, he's given up on going for home base and is going to settle for third.
Wearing her skankiest dress, Kendull walks into the church offices, again without knocking, and starts to make out with Chandler. He breaks it up to ask Kendull about her boyfriend. She's not too concerned with him right now. They make out some more, collapsing into the couch. How pious!
Matt and Heather walk along the Promenade. Matt asks Heather what she wants. She says she wants to not have just wasted the last three years in her life with a man she didn't love. So go build a time machine and go away, Heather. Matt tells Heather he's going to get a divorce, and asks if he can be a part of her life now.
Oh my God, Lucy, you are not wearing a bright red-orange terrycloth tracksuit that would be snug on Ruthie, are you? Yes. Yes, you are. Roxanne walks in, and is polite enough to not say anything about Lucy's god-awful fashion sense, or even throw her hands in front of her face to shield her eyes from the blinding brightness of Lucy's outfit. Although would it have really killed Roxanne to knock on the door instead of just walking into Lucy's house? What if she wasn't dressed or something? I mean, really, she's barely dressed now in that outfit, which looks like it could burst apart at the seams if Lucy so much as flexes a muscle. Roxanne tells Lucy that she can stop being such a bee-yotch, because she's not trying to get promoted. So what is she doing? And yes, this time it will be revealed before the scene ends: Roxanne is joining the army to go to Iraq. Lucy raises her eyebrows and bugs out her eyes. I'm just disgusted.
Annie comes home from grocery shopping with the twins. She's holding one bag of groceries. A house full of people who invite others over to dinner all the time, and Annie buys one bag's worth of groceries? RevCam sends the twins away, then tells Annie that Mary's in labor -- but she doesn't want anyone there. Not even her parents? Annie asks. RevCam shakes his head sadly. Ha! Mary, you are okay with me from here on out. Especially since I'm pretty damn sure that you'll never be on this show ever again.
Peter decides to have a talk with Maria. He's sorry. Maria says every guy in school treats her like he does. Peter says he heard some talk in the locker room. Maria says that kind of talk is everywhere. Purported "bigmouth" Jack Reed started rumors about her when he asked her out and she turned him down because she, of course, already has a boyfriend in Mexico. So he told everyone that Maria was una mujer sucia. Peter says he's a guy, and all guys are idiots, and he'd like another chance. I guess Brenda's trying to make up for how bad she makes women look with that line, but she's going to have to do a lot more than that. Peter asks Maria to stay in Glenoak, and Ruthie runs into the room. She was totally spying on them from the closet, and again asks Maria if she'll stay. Guess what? Maria's answer is cut off by the scene.
Asslee sits to her bed and sulks. Her dad comes in and asks her if she's upset about Martin and the "sex thing," which he found out about when he and Martin had lunch. Poor Asslee's dad has got to be sick of hearing about his daughter's sex life by now. Or maybe not, since he tells Asslee to go talk to Martin, because he really hasn't done anything wrong except having a friend who wasn't very mature. Except he pronounced it "mah-toor." Asslee's dad says he has the "idear" that Martin isn't "hare-ass-ing" Asslee, but that she's avoiding him because Simon's coming back to town.
Roxanne and Lucy make dinner and talk about Roxanne's big career move. Roxanne says that now that the war's over (um, not), she's going to be an MP to help the Iraqi people rebuild their country. For example, they can build pyramids out of Iraqi prisoners to house civilians whose homes where destroyed. And maybe I shouldn't have said that, but come on. It's pretty damn funny to watch Brenda's season-long pro-military propaganda train derail right in the middle of the season finale. Here's Lucy's brilliant contribution to the discussion: "Iraq, Iraq? The Iraq to Iran, like, over in the Middle East, that Iraq?" No, the Iraq in Maine, you fucking idiot. Roxanne says she'll be leaving for basic training week. Lucy makes yet another comment that shows off her tremendous intellect: "You do know that President Bush is commander-in-chief of the armed forces -- that includes the army?" Roxanne says she may not agree with Bush's politics or the war, but this isn't about that: it's about doing something meaningful with her life. I would have a different opinion on the matter, but as long as this allows Rachel Blanchard to leave this show and move on to something better, I'm all for it.
Martin enters, looking dour. Lucy asks him if they can expect Asslee for dinner tonight. "Asslee who?" Martin asks, which is a question I would have expected Lucy to say after her dumbass comments in this scene. Martin says he doesn't want to talk to Asslee, except that he does. "Love stinks," says Martin, and excuse me, but that was the titular line from the Season Four finale. You're supposed to say something like, "It's no LITTLE WHITE LIE that I love Asslee!" Roxanne asks Martin if he's okay. "Do I look okay?" snots Martin. Well, Martin, I'd have to say that, besides those area rugs you have for eyebrows, you do. Maybe you should try actually acting upset.
Matt calls his apartment in New York, only to hear his answering machine message, which features an obnoxious, giggly PC and Matt telling him to leave a message at the beep. Matt hangs up. On himself, when you think about it. Weird…anyway, now he's calling Heather's mom. He has a message for Heather. It's…
Jeffrey walks into the church offices to see his foster father and his tutor making out. Jeffrey stares for a while, then interrupts them. Meanwhile, how long have they been making out? And their clothes are still on and entirely intact? I expected better from you, Kendull. Jeffrey scolds Chandler for forgetting to take him to the movies as Boyfriend Sean walks in. He takes in the scene, and the first thing he expresses is surprise that Kendull would cheat on him with Chandler of all people, who Kendull said was "annoying and weird." Don't forget "doughy"! Kendull curtly says she likes Chandler now, and then she and Chandler start flirting. "I'm still in the room!" says Sean, still not able to believe that two people could be such rude, inconsiderate assholes. I guess he's never seen this show before. Jeffrey decides to announce that what is about to unfold is way better than a movie, and he takes a seat. Sean needs to punch that little bitch. No, not Kendull, the other one. No, not Chandler. The other one.
Asslee finds Pam on the Promenade. "What are you doing here?" asks Pam, sounding kind of annoyed to see her. Asslee says she needs to talk to someone, and apparently, her dad just wasn't enough. Mac strolls up with an ice cream and a root beer float. Asslee's all, "Um, what?" Pam says she can explain, except unless the explanation is, "I'm totally pathetic," she really can't. Mac says he can apologize. Asslee says she forgives him. Mac says that's great, and now they need to talk about her and Simon.
Guess what? Annie and RevCam are on a plane bound for New York. I wonder what happened to the twins, who went to get Happy, and then came back to find that their parents were gone. Maybe that's the big cliffhanger. Annie feels a little bad for leaving before Simon got home, but RevCam says they'll see him in a couple days, so it's no big deal. Except it's totally a big deal, since Simon is coming home for the first significant amount of time since he left Glenoak after running over a child and getting all traumatized. Or maybe we're supposed to forget about that, like everyone else did. Annie asks RevCam to "promise" her that both Mary and her baby will be okay. Then she nags at him to ask God to look out for Mary and the baby, like, do it yourself, Annie. Oh, and get this: she wants RevCam to ask God to "slow things down" so that they'll get to New York before Mary gives birth. Which means that she wants to prolong poor Mary's labor, which has already been going on for about fifteen hours now. My God, but Annie is the most selfish person who ever lived. RevCam says he just asked God to make Mary not too angry with them for totally disrespecting her wishes. I hope she throws them out of the hospital and they get run over by a taxi and then mugged.
Asslee walks in to the living room to talk to Martin. She tells him that Pam forgave Mac for his "momentary slip of ethics," which, I'm sorry, was really kind of a bigger deal than that. Which doesn't mean I like him any less, but if Pam had any sense, she would have dumped his ass. Martin asks Asslee if she forgives him. Asslee says no; she can't forgive Martin, because he didn't do anything wrong. Martin's all, "I love you," like, how pathetic. Asslee says she was so upset at Martin because that was easier for her than to face some "hard truths" about their relationship. And how Asslee doesn't want to be in it for a while. Actually, that's a lie, Asslee says, getting Martin's hopes up. She doesn't want to be with him at all, ever. Martin looks crushed, but says he expected this when he heard that Asslee was talking to Simon. Asslee asks him how he knew that, then remembers that she "told Pam." Except I remember it being more like Asslee answering a call from Simon right in front of Pam. Asslee says she isn't breaking up with Martin because of Simon, even though he's coming back to Glenoak within the hour. Martin asks Asslee to tell him why she's dumping him, then. Asslee says it's because he loves her and she…doesn't love him. Martin looks very sad. Asslee continues that she thought she loved him, but she really doesn't, which became clear to her when all the sex talk started. Martin can't believe this: he didn't even want to have sex with Asslee in the first place, because he's planning on waiting until marriage like a good little Christian. Asslee says she's going away to college year, and a long-distance relationship "isn't fair" to either of them. By which she means "to Asslee." Martin asks Asslee if she's thinking about going to Simon's school, which would be very silly, since Simon goes to an art school and Asslee has never expressed any interest in art. Then again, neither did Simon. Asslee hasn't decided where she's going to school yet, which means that she probably is going to Simon's school, since that's the only college in the world that accepts new students this late in the year. "Sorry," Asslee says, then rolls her eyes and leaves. Martin just sits there and looks like he wants to cry. Poor Martin. Fuck you, Asslee. I almost hope your singing career does take off so you can leave this show.
Vic, Peter, Ruthie, SamVid (I guess there will be no "the twins have disappeared" cliffhanger after all. Damn!), and Maria set the table. Vic asks if Mary's had her baby yet, and if she'll be naming it after him. Now, why would Mary name her baby after Vic -- wait a minute. Has Mary been sneaking back to Glenoak and sleeping with Vic all this time, thus making the parentage of Mary Jr. uncertain? That would be a good cliffhanger. Vic asks Maria how the foreign exchange program works, because exposition dialogue is necessary for the stupider viewers. Maria says that she's staying with the Camdens until the end of the school year, and then Ruthie gets to go to Mexico for however long she wants. Vic asks Ruthie if she's planning on leaving for an entire year. Ruthie says she might. Oh, so awesome. Please go, Ruthie. Take your poor line delivery and its bizarre pauses and go and never come back! Vic asks Maria if she would come back to America. Maria says she could, and she'd want to. She likes America now that she has two lame friends. Whatever. I think Maria and Ruthie need to spend some time together in Mexico. They can finally bond as the sisters they totally are, and Ruthie can meet her real family. Off-screen, of course. SamVid start speaking Spanish, which they're better at than English. I guess they're idiot savants or something. Paris comes in, and all non-Petrowski-Vickerys leave the room even though it's their house. Vic tells Paris that he got a job in Glenoak, as well as an apartment. He'll be moving to town in two weeks. I wonder if he got Matt and John's old swingin' bachelor pad? I think it's pretty safe to say that no one else was stupid enough to rent that dump after they moved out. He asks Paris what she thinks, and she thinks that she's going to kiss Vic and totally lead him on.
Martin comes in the room, and Mac, having broken into the CamPound, enters from another door. Paris, Peter, and Vic take off to let Martin and Mac talk. Martin tells Mac that Asslee dumped him. Mac says he's very sorry about that. Martin says he isn't -- he's better off without her, as his dad in Iraq would say. Oh, did his dad say that when Martin's mom died, too? Mac asks if this is his fault or Simon's. Martin says he's pretty sure it's Simon's, but he'll "love again." And on that note, would Mac like to "hit the batting cages" after they have dinner together? Hmm…it looks like Martin is going to love again sooner than he thought.
Matt meets Heather at the pool hall. He tells her about Mary being in labor, and Heather asks why she doesn't want any family members there. "Well, she's Mary," Matt answers. Which makes sense, because being Mary means you have a crappy overbearing psycho family. Anyway, he'll be going back to New York later tonight, to see Mary's baby, and also his wife. He doesn't want to divorce her after all. Heather says that's okay. She knows how painful divorces are and wouldn't wish one on him. Matt tells Heather he does love her, and Heather says she loves him back. So why didn't Matt just marry her in the first place? Matt kisses Heather on the cheek and leaves. Bye, Heather! See you in year's series (please, please, please) finale, when the same exact storyline occurs!
Kevin comes home to tell Lucy that dinner's ready. They talk about Roxanne; Lucy's not okay with her going to Iraq, but there's nothing she can do about it. If Rachel Blanchard wants to act in a project that's actually well-written and well-shot, Lucy certainly can't stop her. Kevin asks if anything else is bothering Lucy. Of course there is. She wants a baby. Kevin repeats his season-long mantra about how they will have a baby when it's the right time. But Lucy wants one now. She'll finish school, even with a baby. And she's ready for a baby, even though she acts like one herself most of the time. Kevin says she might be ready, but nothing else is. They don't even have a house. Lucy says they can get one easily with their maverick real estate skills. And anyway, she doesn't think it's prudent for her to graduate school and start her "career," only to have to stop it, raise kids, and then start it again. And lastly, she has an "overwhelming desire" to have a baby. This causes Kevin to smirk and agree that they can have a baby, but they have to really commit to it -- no "turning back" like they did last time. A thought suddenly occurs to Kevin, and he asks Lucy if she isn't saying all this because she's already pregnant. Lucy smirks liplessly and says that she totally is. Kevin passes out. I did, too. Remember that season when Annie was all pregnant and hormonal and crazy? Yeah, Season Nine promises to be all that and so much more. If you need me, I'll be over in the corner, curled in a fetal position and rocking back and forth.
Matt comes home to find a wife in his bedroom. They decide to stay together, but who cares? Matt isn't on the show anymore. Would it have been so much to ask the writers to limit the season finale to storylines about characters who actually appear regularly? Then maybe every scene in this episode wouldn't have had an average running time of two minutes and five seconds. On the other hand, I guess watching Matt and PC is better than watching the Maria-Ruthie-Peter non-love triangle.
Chandler and Kendull walk along the Promenade, holding hands. Jeffrey says he wants pizza for dinner. Kendull says she loves pizza, and asks for Chandler's opinion. We see that Chandler has a black eye, the result of being punched by Sean. Chandler says he loves pizza, like, did Kendull really even have to ask? It's pretty obvious. Chandler says the black eye was worth getting Kendull, and they kiss. Jeffrey watches them, then walks away. Bye, Jeffrey. Kendull tells Chandler that she "just found out" that she got into Wharton Business School. Chandler asks if there's a Wharton extension in Glenoak. Surprisingly, there isn't. But there are a lot of churches in Pennsylvania, so maybe Chandler would like to move there? With Jeffrey, whose old grandma isn't dead yet? So Chandler can marry Kendull and she can adopt Jeffrey too, and then the kid will have a crush on his own mother? Sick! But I guess that's what you get when you drive with a suspended license and vandalize a phone and get arrested.
Asslee's sitting in the backyard, sulking. Simon comes through the gate and sounds genuinely happy to see her, which has got to be a first for Asslee. He says he's glad to be off the freeway because the traffic "was a nightmare." He ran over ten, possibly eleven, children! Simon notices that Asslee is upset, and asks if she and Martin got in a fight about him. Asslee says, "Yes…and no." Thanks for being so clear about that, Asslee. Asslee says that they just broke up, but not because of Simon. Simon dramatically puts his duffel bag down and asks Asslee what's going on. She doesn't know. Simon asks what he can do. She doesn't know. Do they have another chance? She doesn't know. Does she still love him? No answer. Wow, they really saved up all their best dramatic writing for this episode, didn't they? Martin peeks out from behind a curtain. Simon realizes that things are now going to be awkward for him around the house. Asslee smiles. Way to make things suck for your traumatized ex-boyfriend, Asslee. You suck. Simon and Asslee hug as Martin watches. I think he's supposed to be angry or jealous, but it's hard to tell since his face is totally blank.
There are babies a-plenty in the New York hospital nursery. Carlos picks one up, a boy, then looks over at the CamRents, who are behind a window for the babies' protection. Annie pulls a face while RevCam points at the baby like a dumbass. Carlos smiles and points back and forth between him and the baby. Aw, Carlos is cute. So is the baby. Annie pulls another face, and RevCam smiles. Carlos walks out of the nursery as the CamRents smile at each other. Carlos dumps the baby in RevCam's arms. The baby immediately starts to cry, which is hilarious. Annie makes monkey-like cooing sounds while RevCam holds the baby way out in front of him, like, doesn't Stephen Collins have children? Doesn't he know how to hold one? "I'm a grandma!" says Annie, in between making little "o" shapes with her mouth. Sympathetic Nurse comes out, and how long did her shift last? She's been there for days! She tells Carlos that they're bringing Mary to her room. RevCam dumps the baby in Annie's hands, and she proceeds to make unappealing goo-goo sounds that make the baby cry anew. Hasn't Catherine Hicks had kids, too? Annie asks what the baby's name is. Carlos says it's Charles Miguel, after their dead grandfathers. RevCam's eyes moisten as he demands a picture of them with the baby. Carlos grabs his digital camera and takes a picture of JUST THE BABY. Ha! Carlos, Mary, and the cute baby are cool. I hope they never appear on this show again to tarnish that reputation.
And that's the end. You know, when this season started, I lived with my parents and was working in a hospital laboratory, where I handled poop and human body parts on a regular basis. But then 7th Heaven taught me that I can't stay home forever like Lucy and remain a child whose parents cook and clean for me; I have to go out in the world and be independent, like Mary. And while my new job still isn't ideal, it's a lot better than what I was doing before. And I guess I have Brenda Hampton to thank for that. I won't, but I could.