It's nighttime at the CamPound, and Martin and Asslee are having themselves a gratuitous make-out session on the living room couch, except that they're both sitting upright, their bodies are at least a foot apart, and they're kissing close-mouthed. Other than that, it's a total porno. Ruthie and Peter walk by and stare at them. Peter wonders if the CamRents are "cool" with the kind of "studying" that Martin and Asslee are doing in their living room in front of their small children. Well, of course they are! Case in point: in comes RevCam, his special RevSense all a-tingling because there is a couple making out in close proximity. RevCam finds Martin and Asslee and watches like a total creepo. Meanwhile, even though three people are talking at top volume only a few feet away from them, Martin and Asslee keep going at it. Ruthie and Peter go upstairs "to study." Ruthie tells her dad not to worry: they don't "study" like Martin and Asslee, nor do they study "as much." Yeah, no shit you don't. I think it's pretty safe to say that neither of them has ever cracked a metaphorical book. RevCam watches them leave, then turns back to where the real action is.
Upstairs, Peter asks Ruthie when she's planning to tell her dad about something she did in school today. Ruthie says she will sooner or later. Then she asks Peter why he's leering at her. Pete-o Suave says that they could get really good grades if they studied as much as Martin and Asslee. Ruthie snots that she "already make(s) straight As." Ooooh, rejected!
In the CamKitchen, Annie's on the phone with Carlos. She wants to come to New York when Mary has her baby. Carlos says that if Annie comes, then everyone he's related to will want to come, and that would suck, much like that excuse. In that case, says Annie, she's going to keep calling and checking in. Carlos is all, "whatever," and they hang up on each other. RevCam comes in and comforts Annie for not being able to go to New York or whatever. Then Annie stares directly at the camera and says, "You look worried." Ah, ha ha, no, Annie: the expression on my face would be more accurately described as "disgust" or even "pained grimace." Actually, she's asking RevCam what he's worried about. RevCam says it's Martin. Annie says that unless Martin is pregnant, she doesn't care. RevCam says nothing. "Martin's pregnant?" Annie asks. All right! It's about time I got to recap a show that broke some boundaries! RevCam says that Martin isn't pregnant, "yet." So there's still hope.
Chandler and Jeffrey are having dinner at the Promenade and looking over Jeffrey's homework. There's a lot of it. Chandler's not too pleased about that.
Lucy walks into the Glenoak Police Station and tries to ignore the loud groans of disappointment coming from everyone else in the room. She gives Kevin a brown bag full of dinner, which gets her a kiss on the cheek. Roxanne walks out, not in uniform, and Lucy asks if she wants to go to the movies with her -- Lucy's treat! Lucy so totally wants Roxanne that it's not even funny. Roxanne begs off, curtly saying she has other plans. She walks away, and Lucy's pissed. Apparently, this is the third time Roxanne has claimed to have plans that don't involve Lucy, and Lucy doesn't get it. Did Roxanne get a new friend? Is something going on with her dad? Is there a new man in the picture, since Roxanne is a WHORE? Never once does it occur to Lucy that Roxanne may just not want to hang out with her anymore because she's so damn annoying. Not to mention that it was only last episode when Lucy was accusing Roxanne of going after her husband and throwing pies at her, and Roxanne wouldn't be unreasonable to hold a grudge about that. Lucy barks at Kevin to say something. He just shrugs, leaving Lucy to scrunch her face up and pout like a little baby.
Something's wrong with the acoustics on the New York hospital set, because PC sounds like she's speaking through a fan. Matt whines that PC doesn't have to re-take some class because she already passed it. "B-b-u-u-t-t I-I d-don-on't un-d-der-sta-stan-nd it," PC says. Matt wants PC to come back to Glenoak with him for summer and work at the jobs Uncle Hank got them; PC says he shouldn't rush her into anything, since they just got back together. They've been separated for five months? And they've only been married for a little over a year? I understand that every marriage goes through its rough periods, but I think, in this case, it might be time to throw in the towel. But apparently they still love each other, and they missed each other when they were apart, although PC wants Matt to go back to Glenoak because she doesn't want to have to deal with both him and her class this summer. Well, I'm definitely convinced that their marriage is intact.
Theme song! New pictures! Barry Watson and David Gallagher bump Beverley Mitchell back to the crappy fifth spot in the credits, ha ha ha! I'll never get how they can just add and take actors off the credits, but still have it all timed perfectly. It's like there's a rip in the space-time continuum.
Establishing shot of the CamPound. Three old-fashioned-looking bikes are hanging out by the front porch. First of all, I hope they get stolen, because that's what you get for not locking your bike up and taking care of your personal property. Second of all, whose bikes are they, anyway? If two of them belong to Ruthie and Peter, who, then, does the third belong to? Asslee has a car, and the twins are too little for those bikes and they don't ever go outside anyway. It could be Martin's, but I doubt it. I think he, raised in a military home, would always put his bike away. Maybe Annie's taken up a new exercise regimen. It's about time.
For our Opening Credits Timewaster, we get to watch Annie and the twins wash dishes in the CamKitchen. Sam manages to take two bowls off a table and bring them to Annie without breaking either one, which is more than I can say for his sister. Because there are, like, seven million guest stars in this episode, the OCT goes on for about a half hour. And I have no problem with that. Eventually, RevCam comes in and starts complaining about having to work or something. SamVid look up, their faces covered in soap suds, and make a plea for attention from their father. It is rebuffed; RevCam tells them to go upstairs and make Ruthie clean their faces. Sam argues that they can clean their own faces. "Yeah, we're not babies," Vid says. And yet, I seem to recall that last time those two cleaned themselves up, a toilet was involved. Ruthie comes in from walking Happy and gets assigned to cleaning up her brothers. Before she goes, RevCam apologizes for being on the phone last night, and asks her what she wanted to talk to him about. Ruthie says they can discuss it later. I am so curious: WHAT could Ruthie be HIDING??? Sorry; I thought if I typed that out enthusiastically enough, I might be able to trick myself into caring.
Martin comes downstairs, only to have to listen to RevCam stumble over his words as he asks Martin where he's going (school) and if he'll see Asslee there (most likely). RevCam says that Martin has been spending a lot of time with Asslee lately; Martin's all, "Yeah, she's my girlfriend." RevCam tries to spit a word out, but doesn't, so Martin says "whatever," tells them that he'll be home after baseball practice, and takes off. Before he's even out the door, RevCam is talking about him with Annie, and how he thinks Martin and Asslee's relationship is "headed in a direction that neither one of them is prepared for." Hey, RevCam, maybe if you hadn't been so permissive in letting those two hang out with so little supervision, this wouldn't have happened. What're you gonna do now? You can't just take rights away that you've already given out. Meanwhile, maybe you should think about laying the law down on Ruthie and Peter before you start having these impure thoughts about what they're doing. Because in almost any other universe, a couple that spends that much time together -- and has sleepover parties -- would have had sex by now, or at least done something that thirteen-/fourteen-year-olds really shouldn't be doing. Annie asks RevCam to say that again "in English," like, duh, Annie. Come on now. RevCam says, in his very gravest tone, that he thinks Martin and Asslee are "gonna have sex. Yep." Annie's mouth drops open in shock just as Ruthie comes back downstairs. She takes one look at her stupefied parents and decides to leave for school. I'll never figure out how Annie and RevCam, of all people, are not able to discuss sex in a mature manner. ["Frankly, I'm not at all convinced that they've sussed out the connection between intercourse and pregnancy yet. Still believing babies come from the stork sort of rules out 'mature' discussion of, well, anything." -- Sars]
Looking like a picture from one of those K-Mart circulars, Kevin and Lucy, both wearing all-white ensembles, talk as Kevin shaves. For those of you keeping score at home, Kevin prefers the non-electric razor. And Lucy still hasn't found a shirt that isn't way too small for her chest. Maybe that's because it's all puffed up with rage: Lucy doesn't understand why Kevin doesn't care that Roxanne is obviously keeping secrets from them. Kevin doesn't want to hear it, and leaves the bathroom before he's even finished shaving.
Roxanne's telling Chandler that she has thought something through, and decided that "it's the right thing for [her] to do. It's what [she wants] to do. It might be what [she] was born to do." What, have sex, you WHORE? Chandler says that he thinks this is the "sanest thing" Roxanne's ever done. Ah, so Rachel Blanchard is leaving the show, then? RevCam enters, so Roxanne leaves immediately. Ha! Roxanne is cool sometimes. Chandler says he needs RevCam's help with Jeffrey: the kid needs a tutor, because the fifteen minutes Chandler has to spend helping him with his homework is apparently just too much. RevCam says he knows "the perfect person."
Peter walks up to Ruthie's locker and asks her what her parents said. Ruthie says she didn't actually tell them her dumb secret yet, but she will tonight. Peter says she better tell them before "Maria" shows up. Not to worry, because Ruthie has the amazing logic that once Maria shows up, she's there, and the CamRents will love her. Peter points out that Ruthie doesn't even know Maria, let alone the CamRents. Ruthie doesn't see that as a problem, so Peter leaves.
Mac and Martin walk down the hall. Martin asks Mac why he's so happy today, as he seems to have gotten himself a new hairstyle that is even less flattering than his old one. Mac says that he and Pam are gonna have sex tonight! Martin says that Mac barely knows Pam, to which Mac says that he's pretty sure they love each other, so it's cool. Martin tries to talk Mac out of it, like any sixteen-year-old boy would to his friend, except not at all. Mac says he and Pam have talked about it, and she wants to do it. He isn't forcing her into doing anything she doesn't want to do. And they can't make out at their parents' houses forever. True: sooner or later, they'll have to move to the garage apartment. Mac tells Martin to lay off; he can't be the only baseball player having sex forever. Martin's all, "Wha?" Mac says it's obvious that he and Asslee are having sex, and everyone on the team knows about it and thinks it's awesome. Martin freaks out and says that he and Asslee are not having sex. Mac is shocked. The Piano is Sad. I guess it had five bucks on Martin and Asslee doing it?
Oh, look, it's Carlos again. He answers the phone; it's a nurse from the hospital. She tells him that Mary's there, and then Carlos hangs up on her and runs out the door before she can say anything else.
Matt finds his seat on the plane, and is sort of a little bit surprised to see that it's to Heather. Even the actresses who played Shana and Cheryl finally decided that they'd rather work at Starbucks than on this show; why can't Heather? ["And for that matter, why can't Barry Watson? You got away, dude. Do the smart thing and keep your distance." -- Sars] Upon seeing Matt, Heather smiles as if this was all a part of her master plan. I thought I must have dozed off and missed the part where Matt and Heather agreed to meet on the plane, but it turns out that neither of them is very good at acting. Now, some of you may think it's pretty damn ridiculous that a coincidence like that would happen, that two people who knew each other would end up having adjacent seats on a cross-country flight. And there was a time when I would have agreed with you. But then I flew to Las Vegas and ended up sitting to Glark and Wing Chun. And we were all like, "Wow, awesome!" because, first of all, it's always a relief when you find out that you aren't sitting to a baby or a really fat person, and second of all, because we knew each other but had no idea we were on the same plane, let alone the same seats. Sadly, things soon went sour when the flight attendant came around and asked if anyone wanted drinks and I ordered a rum and coke. And Glark and Wing were all, "Um…it's nine o'clock. In the morning." And I was all, "I have to drink on planes because I'm afraid of flying. No, really! I'm not an alcoholic. Don't look at me!" At that point, I hid my face in shame and there was an awkward silence for the rest of the flight, except for the parts where the plane encountered turbulence and I started screaming because I thought the engines had fallen off.
On the plane, the captain is apologizing for the mechanical delay and saying that they should be taking off "in about forty-five minutes." At this point, I would have gotten right off that plane. Not because of the delay, but because of the mechanical problem that caused it. I want my planes to be in tip-top flying condition, or at least to have the illusion of it. Matt signs the pilot's news to Heather, and they chat. They're glad to see each other. Heather inquires as to PC's location, and Matt says she's staying in New York for the summer. "That's too bad," Heather says, totally not meaning it at all. Matt goes on and on about how great being married is and what a great marriage he has. Heather says that she, too is happy. She loves being married, too. "Nuts?" Matt offers. Ew.
Carlos runs around the hospital like a pollo with its head cut off. PC is there, too, and she calls out to him. I wonder if Mary and Carlos and PC and Matt get together for dinner sometimes when Mary isn't regretting getting married and PC and Matt aren't separated. PC asks Carlos if Mary's here, the camera shooting her from the shoulders up so as to cleverly mask Sarah Danielle Madison's pregnancy. Carlos says Mary is here, but he can't find her. Apparently, she thought she was in labor, but actually wasn't, and now she's missing. Women are so stupid, and pregnant women are stupid AND crazy! PC volunteers to help Carlos find her. Where's Dr. Assbeard to yell at PC for slacking off? Carlos is hesitant to accept PC's offer of help, because Mary has ordered that no one in her family be involved in her pregnancy. Who knew that Mary would end up being the smart Camden? Who knew there would even be a smart Camden?
Roxanne and Captain Michaels are talking about we know not what. The only clue is that "there's a test involved" in whatever Roxanne is undertaking. I still think it could be sex; it wouldn't surprise me at all if Glenoak had an ordinance that you had to take a qualifying exam in order to have sex. Roxanne and Capt. Michaels hug and part ways. Would I watch a spin-off series starring Roxanne and Capt. Michaels as two cops who don't always play by the rules? Yes. Yes, I would. Officer Crewmember'sSon spies on the action, then stares around blankly in a futile attempt to show an emotion. I think Officer Crewmember'sSon may be RevCam and Annie's long-lost child. Maybe this will be one of the "lies" this episode was supposed to be about.
Martin's lacing up after baseball practice. He asks Mac why everyone on the team is looking at him; Mac smirks that he informed them all that Martin wasn't getting any. And that Martin is a virgin. I guess he threw that last piece of information out there just for fun. Mac's not so bad.
Back at the police station, Lucy's looking for Roxanne. Officer Crewmember's Son says he's pretty sure she's taking the detective's test.
Mac and Martin meet up with Asslee and Pam. They agree to meet up for dinner, and Mac and Pam take off. Asslee asks "what's up" between him and Mac. Martin tells her that everyone in school assumed that he and Asslee were "together." "We are together," Asslee says, grinning. Martin's all, no, "together together." Asslee is stumped. So Martin spells it out for her, then quickly says that everyone now knows that they aren't, so it's okay. Asslee can't believe that Martin would discuss their non-sex life with creepy Mac. She takes a bunch of noisy breaths as she tells Martin that this has made her "very uncomfortable and upset." Well, don't be such a prude, then. Martin doesn't understand why she's mad at him when this is all Mac's fault. I don't either.
Chandler and Jeffrey walk into the pool hall and ask the bartender if there's a woman looking for them. Bartender's all, "Yeah, there's a totally hot girl looking for you, and all the guys are jealous." He points out a girl who's wearing 7th Heaven's definition of skanky attire. Jeffrey ogles her and approves, while Chandler's jaw drops. He tells Jeffrey to wait at the bar -- which is the ideal place to put your children unattended, as I hear that bartenders make excellent baby-sitters, you idiot -- and walks over to girl who's threatening to steal Roxanne's crown of Town WHORE. Before Chandler can properly introduce himself, she's yelling at him for being late. Chandler tries once more to introduce himself, to which Skanko says that she "assumed" that he was Chandler already. "Well, you know what…they say when you assume: you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me.'" Oh, man: first, Jeremy London gets arrested for the horrific crime of vandalizing a phone, and now he's swearing on a family show! It's Buffalo for you, young man! Although I shouldn't really call him "young," seeing as Jeremy London is almost ten years older than me and looks almost twice that, contrary to Chandler's assertion that he's twenty-five. Suddenly, Chandler decides that he "gets it," and that it was real nice of RevCam to get him a girlfriend and all, but he really wants a tutor. Skanko picks up her no-doubt-revealing denim jacket and leaves in a huff. Jeffrey's pissed.
And suddenly it's the middle of the afternoon again, even though, by all appearances at the pool hall, it was nighttime. Great. Annie answers the doorbell to find a women with a Mexican girl. You can just see the sweat beads developing on Annie's forehead as she worries that she's about to meet Ruthie's biological sister. But no, actually, "Maria" is a foreign exchange student. Annie is confused, but invites them into her home, telling Maria to sit in the living room while she observes to make sure nothing gets stolen. The lady gives Annie some forms, and says that by hosting Maria for the rest of her stay in America, she's definitely helping the school and, quite possibly, "the world." Although I wonder if the Camden's last bang-up job hosting a foreign exchange student may have been partially responsible for France's refusing to participate in the war. Why is everyone in this town so intent on making people live in the already overpopulated CamPound anyway? Are they trying to get their money's worth out of their church donations, or is it a scientific experiment to see just how many people can fit in that place before it explodes?
Chandler and Jeffrey enter RevCam's office as he's getting off the phone with Skanko, a.k.a. Kendull the Tutor, who is "very upset." Chandler is very upset too: he wanted a tutor for Jeffrey, not a girlfriend. RevCam's all, "Kendull was valedictorian of her graduating class. She graduated a year early, she's got a 5.0 grade-point average. She's been published, she's a Rhodes scholarship finalist and she's really good with children." Jeffrey says that he liked Kendull a lot, like, isn't he too young for hormones? Chandler realizes that he made a mistake.
We're still on the plane, and Heather and Matt are hanging out in the bathroom line. Matt comes clean. No, not like that. He tells Heather that he lied about being happily married, and he doesn't know if the marriage will last or if he'll make it through med school. Heather has a confession to make too: she's totally divorced, and she's on her way back to Glenoak to start over. At this revelation, she hops in the bathroom while Matt wonders if he can still talk to someone who's committed the sin of divorce.
Ruthie and Peter come home through the back door, where they're met by Annie and RevCam, who transported himself from the church to the CamPound during the commercial break. Annie tells Ruthie that her Spanish teacher and Maria are waiting in the living room. Peter's all, "Buh-bye!" and takes off. Maybe if Ruthie had made out with him the other day, he would have been more supportive. Ruthie explains that Maria was staying with another family, but they suddenly had to go "Back East," leaving Maria without a host family. La profesora del español muy tonta asked if anyone could house Maria for the rest of her stay, and Ruthie, la chica muy molestia, dicho "¡sí!" And then she never had a chance to ask anyone, but figured that the CamRents wouldn't mind, so she told her teacher that the CamRents said yes. And the best part is, since they're hosting Maria now, Ruthie can stay with Maria's family and study in Mexico for the entire school year! "Cool, huh?" Ruthie asks. Yes, Ruthie, it is cool. It's awesome, in fact. Why don't you head on down to Mexico right now and get a head start on your studies? Meanwhile, RevCam and Annie exchange worried glances and wonder if it might finally be time to tell Ruthie just why she feels so drawn to Mexico.
Still at the hospital, Carlos hangs up a pay phone and tells PC that Mary's actually home. But pregnancy is very difficult for "the man," because he now has to fight cross-town traffic to pick up a special pizza for dinner. And it's raining. Oh, bummer, Carlos. That's really much worse, or at least comparable to, what a woman goes through for the entire nine months that she's pregnant. Or, in Mary's case -- wait a minute, how long has she been pregnant? Perhaps Rhodes Scholar Kendull can help me with the math here:
Sara M: [bent over pages and pages of printed recaps and a large flow-chart filled with notations] Let's see, Kendull…Mary told Carlos she was pregnant back in September, but said that she found out about it when she was in Glenoak. We know she was in Glenoak last May, and that she hadn't come home after that, because Peter said that people at church were whispering about how odd it was that she hadn't visited all summer. So how long has Mary been pregnant?
Kendull: [pushes a few buttons on her calculator] Um…twelve months.
Sara M: Thanks, Kendull. In the future, though, could you maybe wear less skanky clothes to our meetings? For I am a Puritan, and so short skirts and tank tops make me uncomfortable, and doubt your academic prowess.
So Mary's been pregnant for twelve fucking months. I did a quick search on Yahoo! to see what this could mean, and either Mary is giving birth to a blue whale, or something very, very wrong is going on. Something that involves the words "stone" and "baby." As well as graphic pictures, which I wasn't aware would be displayed on the webpage, and now I have lost my innocence.
RevCam comes a-knockin' on Martin's door. Martin asks about the new girl downstairs. RevCam says there's a new member of the family. "Oh. Okay," Martin says. You know, I think someone's a little bit jealous! RevCam says they need to have a talk. About Asslee. And Martin. And feelings. And urges. "Urges?" Martin says, laughing in RevCam's face. RevCam attempts once again to explain, but even though he's already had this talk with his two real sons, he can't do it without stammering all over himself. Martin breaks it down: he knows how babies are made, and he and Asslee aren't doing anything that would cause this to happen. And thank god, because, people? Stone babies. They are a reality in our time. Martin assumes that RevCam had a girlfriend when he was Martin's age, and we all know that assuming makes an ass out of "u" and "me," because there's no way a wimpy little dork like RevCam had a girlfriend when he was sixteen. Martin asks if RevCam ever had "urges" with his totally fictional girlfriend. RevCam's all, "Uh…probably," and tries to change the subject. Martin asks if RevCam ever did more than kiss his girlfriend, or did he realize that he wasn't ready for that and decide to "take things slowly." Um…Martin, you are not a normal teenage boy. And what is this show's problem with acknowledging that there are things that come between kissing and sex? Martin leaves RevCam, saying he's tired of telling people about his and Asslee's possible sex lives. "People? What people?" RevCam asks, all jealous.
Chandler tracks down Kendull, who sternly tells him that "there are some tough anti-stalking laws in California." Um, no, there aren't. Chandler apologizes to Kendull, who calls him a "pompous jerk." Chandler would rather be called a "pompous ass," but Kendull doesn't use that kind of language. Good call, Kendull: surely it was my proclivity for cussing that kept me from realizing my dream of being a National Merit Scholar. That, and the fact that I fell asleep during the PSATs. Oops! But let's not take any more time away from Kendull: she's calling Chandler "arrogant, patronizing, condescending and presumptuous. In other words, [Chandler was] pompous." Wow, guys, Kendull really is smart, look at the big word she's using! Not to mention her keen powers of perception. Chandler doubts that Kendull could be intelligent if she thinks such bad things about him. Kendull tells him that she is intelligent, and he shouldn't let the mini-skirt fool him -- oh wait, it already did. Psst…hey, Kendull? Chandler's gaffe may have stemmed more from the fact that you just don't come off as intelligent at all than it did from your choice of attire. And also, learn to accept that people do judge you by the way you dress, so when you're meeting someone in a professional setting, you really should dress professionally. Chandler decides to find someone to tutor his faux-kid who doesn't insult him with words he doesn't understand, and turns to leave. "Twenty bucks an hour!" shouts Kendull. Ha! She's a WHORE after all! Oh, that's her tutoring rate. Chandler accepts and says he'll bring Jeffrey by at six.
Lucy comes home to the Treehouse of Lurv to find Kevin. He says he heard from "Joe at the station" that she stopped by. Lucy at the Treehouse says Kevin at the Treehouse is right: back when she was Lucy at the station, she found out that Roxanne at parts unknown is going for a promotion behind Kevin's back! Kevin doesn't really care. Lucy thinks he should; Roxanne is doing this "after everything [Kevin's] done for her; [Lucy's] done for her!" Like…not pay enough attention, thus allowing her to be stabbed by a homeless guy! And constantly accusing her of being a homewrecker! And let's not forget ruining her hair! I can't understand why Roxanne would do such a traitorous thing when her friends have been so supportive of her like that. Kevin still doesn't care, so Lucy accuses him of being unambitious. Kevin says he likes being a beat cop right now, and he doesn't need the extra money. And he isn't going to make any assumptions about Roxanne until she tells him what's going on.
Pam needs to talk to Asslee. Asslee stares blankly. The scene takes a good five minutes to end.
Matt and Heather's plane has landed, but their gate isn't ready. They'll be stuck on the plane for a while longer. So that's a significant delay on takeoff and another one upon landing? This isn't exactly a ringing endorsement for JetBlue. Matt tells Heather everything that's going on in one hand sign (American Sign Language is incredible like that!) and she says she's really glad she ran into Matt. Matt says he's glad he ran into her, and asks if she wants to have dinner. Heather hedges only slightly, then agrees. She's only been divorced for three months, but she's already an Evil Single Woman.
Nighttime has finally fallen on the CamPound. Matt's home, but no one's there to greet him. Matt finally finds a sign of life in his dad on the couch. RevCam asks Matt why he didn't call; he would have been glad to pick him up. Matt says he just took a cab, which I guess is easy and cheap enough when the airport is, like, right door or whatever. Father and son embrace, and RevCam says that Annie made Matt's favorite dinner tonight -- turkey with all the trimmings, just like Thanksgiving. Matt's all, "Cool. But I have other dinner plans." Oh, whatever, Matt. I know your family really sucks, but they are your family and you should really try to spend some time with them when you come home. Matt says that he's going to dinner with Heather -- as friends. And he's not telling PC about it. No matter how much RevCam nags him to.
Maria comes upstairs and runs into Peter. Peter, suddenly very uncomfortable, immediately decides to leave. I'm starting to think that the recent forum speculation about Peter's racist tendencies is true. Maria asks Peter to help her with her math homework sometime; Peter says that Ruthie is better at math that he is. But Peter's "nice," says Maria, thereby implying that Ruthie isn't. Ruthie comes upstairs and face-to-face with Maria. The two look at each other, then Ruthie puts a hand up and says, "It's…like looking into a mirror." She also announces that the CamRents have said yes to hosting Maria. Peter unenthusiastically says that's great. Maria says that Peter is going to help her with her math homework. Ruthie hopes they can all be friends. Yeah, like you and Jill? Or Yasmine? WHAT ABOUT YASMINE, RUTHIE?
Lucy stares at Kevin while he tries to read. What an annoying bitch. Kevin says he does not want to talk about how he doesn't want a promotion. But Lucy wants an explanation. Kevin says that the only explanation needed is that Lucy never cared about Kevin getting a promotion until Roxanne went for one. And now he's going out -- alone. "So you can be away from me?" Lucy pouts. That's a happy marriage.
Annie walks in the house holding "fresh green beans," because "Matt loves fresh beans." I bet he would, too. RevCam informs Annie that the green beans will have to keep. Martin and Mac come downstairs. RevCam asks them where they're going. "Out to have lots of sex with Asslee," Martin says, and leaves. Ha! That was awesome! Annie makes her Questioning Clownface, and RevCam tries to explain.
And just where will Matt and Heather be spending their enchanted evening? Why, on the Promenade, of course! Heather says she almost didn't come, because they both know that this "isn't just dinner." Matt asks what they should do now. Heather says she doesn't know if they should stay, but she does know that she doesn't want to go. Make up your mind, Heather! Your indecisiveness is probably why you got divorced in the first place.
The CamFam, minus Matt, Martin, and Lucy, set the table for dinner. Lucy bursts in and announces that Kevin won't be joining them for dinner. RevCam expresses his disinterest. The phone rings, and Annie asks someone to get it. So Peter gets it, even though this isn't his house. Oh, and then? He tells PC, who's calling, that Matt can't come to the phone because he's on a date with Heather. Even Maria, who has no idea who Matt or PC even are, is all, "Awwww, shit!" She must have taken a cue from the Sad Piano of Potential Infidelity. Holding an arm over her belly to conceal her pregnancy, PC hangs up the phone.
Mac and Martin wait for the girls to show up for their date. They finally arrive, and they look pissed. It turns out that Asslee and Pam had a little chat, one that proved to be especially informative. Then they both childishly slap Mac on the arm. Martin asks what's going on. Asslee answers, her head bobbling about furiously, that she's breaking up with Martin because he either has "bad taste in friends, or [he] just [has] bad taste." And why can't it be both? Pam tells Mac that she may have been "desperate" when they started going out, but she isn't anymore. The two girls walk away. Martin asks Mac what's going on: Mac says he told "a little white lie" to Pam about Martin and Asslee. He pulled an "everybody's doing it" with Pam and tried to convince her to have sex with him by saying that Martin and Asslee were doing it too. Martin's eyes bug out, and his jaw drops. He can't understand why Mac would say something that he knew wasn't true. Hey, maybe, Martin, it's because Mac is like just about every other teenage boy, and he's so desperate to have sex that he'll do anything. Not that such behavior is at all commendable, but it's just refreshing to see a character on this show who behaves in a somewhat realistic manner. Martin weakly punches Mac in the shoulder and leaves. Mac doesn't look too contrite. Would I watch a spin-off series where Mac just went around messing up the lives of the holier-than-thou? Yes. Yes, I would.
Chandler and Kendull discuss Jeffrey's education. Turns out Jeffrey's "gifted," and he gets bad grades because he's bored. Hmm…maybe I should have someone check over that math Kendull did earlier in the recap, since the girl is obviously dumb as a rock. Not even a rock -- a pebble. That had a complete lobotomy. Kendull says she'll work with Jeffrey and the school over the summer to try to figure out a game plan. Chandler says he really appreciates this. Kendull says that Jeffrey is a "great kid" and she really likes him. Oh, I see what happened here: Kendull accidentally talked to a totally different child that she mistook for Jeffrey. Chandler's all, "Yeah, yeah, Jeffrey's great…you want him? Seriously, I'll sell him to you for ten bucks. Okay, five, but that's as low as I'll go. No, that's a lie; I'll actually give you ten bucks if you take him off my hands. Randy Spelling? I've got some new papers for you to draw up!" Actually, he invites everyone to dinner. Kendull turns the invitation down, saying she has a date. And here he is now; it's Kendull's boyfriend Sean. And he looks like a fatter, balder, older Matt LeBlanc. Sean and Kendull take off, leaving Chandler with Jeffrey, who demonstrates his newfound intelligence to all by singing: "Kendull and Chandler, sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Chandler growls and attempts to strangle him. Do it, Chandler. DO IT.
Pam and Asslee enter…some building, and Asslee gets a call on her cell phone. It's Simon, live from his dorm room! And he's got a normal hair color, a much better haircut, smaller eyebrows, and some chin hair that may not be the best idea, but I'll let it go. Oh, and he's coming home to Glenoak for the summer. And he knows about Asslee and Martin, and that Martin will be living in the same house as him. And he doesn't want there to be any weirdness -- he's happy for Asslee for moving on, especially now that he's discovered college girls and how easy they are. Or college boys, depending on your theory about Simon's sexuality. I have no such theory because…just, no. Anyway, Simon will be "driving down" tomorrow. Wait, when did he get a car? Shouldn't he be taking the bus?
Carlos is on the phone, and he's freaking out. Mary's in labor -- real labor this time. Although you wouldn't know it because, even though they have a portable phone, Carlos is choosing to call what appears to be the emergency room from a different room than wherever Mary is. And even though she's in "a lot of pain," she isn't making so much as a peep about it. Carlos thinks there's something wrong, and is instructed to call 911. He does so, and we dissolve to a "to be continued…" Oh, the suspense.