“ As he speaks, we see a montage of shots that are made ALL THE SCARIER by the fact that they've been Adobe After Effects-ed to look like old newsreel footage. ”
I wanted to recap this film for the sole purpose of seeing Mary Camden get slaughtered. I don't like horror films, generally, and I've never seen the original version of Massacre, even though in college I took a semester-long horror film theory class for which the movie must have been required viewing. I either skipped class that day or fell asleep before the movie even started, but the point is that I don't have anything to compare this updated version to, so don't expect any of that. Nor would it really matter, since Mary Camden's inevitable horrific death scene is sure to make this the best movie ever. Let the fun begin!
John Larroquette, an actor for whom I used to have a great deal more respect, greets us with a TERRIFYING voice-over about how the story we're about to see is true. Except we all know that it isn't. As he speaks, we see a montage of shots that are made ALL THE SCARIER by the fact that they've been Adobe After Effects-ed to look like old newsreel footage. John tells that something terrible happened to five teens thirty years ago. Thirteen hundred pieces of nasty-looking evidence were collected at the crime scene, the most damning being the footage we are about to see of the initial crime scene walk-through. A mustachioed officer leads us to the basement of the Hewitt residence, stopping to pay special attention to some scratch marks in the wall, the fingernails that made them still embedded in them. John's voice comes back and introduces us to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The "crime-scene footage" fades out, and a title card fades in along the sound of a woman screaming. That's cheesy.
The opening strains of "Sweet Home Alabama" play over shots of teenagers frolicking in a river. Courier font tells us that today is August 18, 1973. Now the teens are driving in a beat-up van. There's Jessica "Mary Camden" Biel in the passenger seat, filing her nails. In the back, two kids make out loudly. That's gross. Even grosser, Mary has now decided to sing along with Skynyrd. God, I hope she dies soon. Also, I feel the need to point out that "Sweet Home Alabama" wasn't even released until 1974's album Second Helping, so, unless Mary possesses some psychic abilities we haven't yet been made aware of, this film is stupid. Actually, if you really want to get down to it, Skynyrd's first album wasn't even released until September of 1973, making the entire premise of the film -- it is later revealed that the kids are on their way to a Skynyrd concert -- completely false. But let's not be like those people who point out that the gun Billy Zane fired at Leonardo DiCaprio is Titantic wasn't chronologically accurate; period pieces are always bound to contain some flaws of this nature. Just usually not as glaring as not knowing the release date of the two top-selling albums of a still-popular band. The nerd character of this movie (you can tell he's the nerd because he's wearing glasses, and he's looking disapprovingly, yet also jealously, at the make-out couple) asks if someone could please shut Mary the hell up, thus endearing himself to me. The driver of the car, one Eric "Eddie" Balfour, tells Mary that she has a beautiful voice. I guess it's better than her mother's.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
“ Eddie just manages to swerve in time to avoid some blonde girl in a little sundress walking down the road. Anne Heche? Maybe. ”
The make-out couple disengages for a second to remark that they didn't even know each other yesterday. Then they go back to it. Nerd interrupts the couple to tell them that every day, thirty-two thousand Americans are infected with a sexually transmitted disease, and two-thirds of them are their age. What is he, RevCam with all this health-class pamphlet knowledge? The girl quickly loses interest, and the guy flips Nerd off. Considering the other ridiculous chronological errors in this movie, I half-expected the guy to retort something about how HIV can be prevented by taking special drugs within six hours of possible exposure. Girl remarks on how great it is that this group was passing by El Paso just when she started hitchhiking. Everyone else in the car, except the make-out guy, is like, "Um, not really." Make-out Boy complains about the van's air-conditioning being broken, prompting Eddie to suggest that "Pepper" (the make-out girl) and he could always take their clothes off. Mary remarks that she hopes Skynyrd plays a song from their not-yet-released album at the big concert the band had before it gained widespread appeal. Character backstory alert: Mary also tells us that she's been living with Eddie for the last three years. Then Nerd lights a joint and the fun can begin!
Mary passes on smoking the joint, because we all know that she only likes to look at them, and we learn that the van o' teens is driving to the concert from Mexico, where they just spent the last four days partying. Mary expresses childish disappointment that Eddie didn't buy her a ring down there, so he gives her the joint instead. Which she then tosses out the window. What a bitch! Maybe everyone else in the van will kill her just for that and then the movie will end. No such luck: it turns out that no one minds, because there are two pounds of weed somewhere in the car. Mary is pissed; no one told her that they were going to Mexico to buy lots of pot. Eddie manages to charm himself out of a fight and asks Mary for a kiss. The ensuing make-out session distracts him slightly from the road. "Look out!" shouts Mary, attempting (unsuccessfully) to act startled. Eddie just manages to swerve in time to avoid some blonde girl in a little sundress walking down the road. Anne Heche? Maybe. She doesn't respond when Mary calls out to her and asks if she's okay. Nerd suspects it's a bad acid trip, but Mary and Pepper are concerned, so they run out of the van to check on her. When they catch up to her and ask if she's okay, Anne will only say that she wants to go home. To the Fourth Dimension! Mary makes a snap decision that they can't leave Anne wandering around the Texas countryside in this condition, so they throw her in the van and head on into town.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
“ Eddie solves this problem by throwing the weed (which is stashed in a piata, of course) into a nearby field. A grazing cow reacts to her early birthday present with a 'moo.' Now that the truth is finally out that her boyfriend is a drug dealer, Mary needs some time to sulk. ”
In the van, the four non-driving teens sit opposite Anne, who's all crying and stuff. "What's your name?" Mary asks her. "Celestia," says Anne. Actually, she offers the slightly more dramatic "they're all dead." Mary and Eddie freak out, but Nerd says he's "too stoned" to deal with any of this. Mary says they need to take Anne to a hospital. When the van passes a meat-packing plant, Anne gets all freaked out and tries to stop the car. Eddie fights her off and brings the van to a screeching halt. Anne sits back in her seat and opens her legs, which are suddenly all bloody. Everyone in the van is like, "ew," because they never noticed that Anne's inner thighs were coated with blood before, because the make-up department apparently decided they didn't need to worry about it until now. Anne pulls out a gun from between her legs (apparently she has a holster in her vagina), tells the group that they're all going to die, and then swallows the gun. Much screaming ensues, and the camera tracks back from the front seat to reveal that it was shooting the scene through the hole Anne just made in her head. The head then drops back, which was an unfortunate directorial decision because the more you see of it, the more you can tell how fake it is. Seriously, I'm pretty sure it's papier-mch and a wig. Everyone runs out of the van to barf or whatever. Anne stays behind, due to her pre-existing condition of being totally dead. Smoke is still coming out of her mouth. That's pretty cool.
Outside the van, the girls scream and cry while the men try to remain strong. Well, except for Nerd, who yells that they never should have picked that girl up. Mary says that Anne needed help. Nerd retorts that she didn't get much from them. Pepper is all, "I don't understandwhy did she have to pick us?" Then she cries and Mary hugs her. I can understand Pepper's reaction, but if I were in that situation, I think I'd be running around in circles screaming, "Augghh!!! Fuck!!! Aughhh!!!!" for a couple more hours before I entered the self-pity stage of the grieving process.
In a manly display of anger, Eddie grabs a bottle from the van and throws it off-camera. The resulting bottle-smashing sound effect this action produces is ridiculous, and it makes me laugh. I haven't been able to listen to a glass-smashing sound effect without giggling since Wet Hot American Summer. Eddie suggests calling the police; Nerd thinks that's a bad idea since there are two pounds of marijuana del Mxico stashed in the crime scene. Eddie solves this problem by throwing the weed (which is stashed in a piata, of course) into a nearby field. A grazing cow reacts to her early birthday present with a "moo." Now that the truth is finally out that her boyfriend is a drug dealer, Mary needs some time to sulk. Eddie walks over and tells her that he did it so they could "start a life" together. He does not add that Mary needs to get over this right now, since they've got bigger problems to deal with. Like the inside of the van, where blood is loudly and disgustingly dripping from the ceiling. Pepper states definitively that there's "no possible way" she's getting back in the van