We open on the Glenoak Community Church. Chandler and RevCam are having a lover's quarrel; apparently, RevCam is trying to "push adoption" on Chandler, who says that he isn't even thinking about dating right now, so he's certainly not thinking about kids. RevCam says never mind, and starts packing up to leave. "You going home already?" Chandler asks. "Yeah, well, I've already been at work for two seconds, and that's two seconds too many!" RevCam says. Chandler asks if he's still worried about Annie. RevCam says not anymore, and that "it took [him] a while, but [he] get[s] it." Well, that's cool. It's taken me eight years, and I still don't get Annie. My worry, however, has long since turned into begrudging acceptance. RevCam spouts the little gem of wisdom that "different people react to death in different ways." It's taken him twenty-plus years of ministerial service to figure out what it took me about five years of actual life to. Brilliant. Anyway, Annie's way of reacting to her father's death is "very different." Chandler says Annie is just so "happy." She's happy that her father died. This show's take on family values never ceases to amaze me, especially since Annie wasn't quite this happy when her mother died, was she? I guess it's only sad when mothers die. Anyway, RevCam invites Chandler over for dinner; Chandler begs off, saying he'll just pick up a pizza or seven. Then he gets lost in a pizza-related reverie so intense that he is able to resist RevCam's numerous attempts to strong-arm him into eating at the CamPound. Chandler doesn't even blink when RevCam says he knows how tough Chandler's break-up with "Paris and Peter" has been, but I do. "Paris and Peter"? Ewwww. Chandler again refuses to have dinner at the CamPound, saying that he doesn't around to be around "all that happy." Happy's sharp ears overhear this, and she goes into a deep depression until she remembers that, hell, she doesn't exactly want to be around Chandler either. Chandler says he's not happy, and he doesn't even know what happy means. RevCam leaves.
All manner of horrible sounds are coming from the CamKitchen. Annie and the twins run in, singing about the "rhythm of life" and skipping all around the island. Apparently, it has a powerful beat, although you wouldn't know it, considering that no one in this scene seems to be able to keep it. Or the "key of life," either. Then they hold hands in a circle and spin around for a bit, Annie doing some more bellow-singing about the "rhythm in the bedroom." The song ends, and SamVid request an encore. "OKAY!" screams Annie, in a terrifying close-up. They start up again, and suddenly additional singers and a back-up band get piped in. The singers sound kind of like the Wizard of Oz munchkins. Creepy! Never before have I been so happy to hear the theme song.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster takes place in the Treehouse of Lurv. Lucy carefully sets the table and sits down to eat pizza with Kevin. She then attacks her pizza with her fork, shredding it apart and removing all the toppings, making horrid facial expressions as she does so. The subsequent sickening close-ups of the pizza being mauled and Lucy's nostrils flaring are no match in nastiness, however, for the revelation that this episode was written by Brenda Hampton. I might as well curl up in a fetal position on the floor of my shower now and get it over with.
Kevin asks Lucy what her problem is; if she didn't want pizza for dinner, she should have said something. He's willing to eat whatever she wants. Lucy says that she'll just sneak into the house and steal some dinner from her parents. Kevin nixes the idea, saying that Annie wanted them to have dinner together, and away from the rest of the family. Lucy says that's just because Annie doesn't want Lucy to ask her about Charles. Kevin says he thinks maybe it's because Lucy's parents are sick of them always hanging around. Lucy refuses to believe this very reasonable notion, then asks if Kevin and Annie are conspiring to keep Lucy out of the CamPound.
Ruthie enters Martin's room without knocking and asks if he's sure he doesn't want to eat with the rest of the family. Martin says he's busy sending an email to his dad. Since when can the Camdens afford to have individual computers with internet hook-ups in their bedrooms? Ruthie asks if the email is about her mother, because the whole world revolves around the Camdens. Ruthie then asks Martin if Annie is "scaring" him. Well, duh. That's like asking if the sun is going to rise tomorrow morning. Martin says he doesn't get Annie being so happy, and he doesn't know how to act around her. Ruthie doesn't think Annie really is happy, Martin says she's sure doing a good job of faking it, then, and that he's been in a really good mood lately himself. Ruthie says she has too.
Asslee's having a pizza with her parents. Both of them. I was starting to think that her mother didn't exist. The subject of dinnertime conversation is, of course, Annie and how damn happy she is. Asslee says that she didn't want to say anything, but she's been feeling really great lately. You can tell because her head is even bobblier than usual. Maybe she's happy about her newest hairstyle, which makes her transformation into Jem and the Holograms nearly complete. Seriously, though, what the hell is going on with Asslee's unevenly-chopped bangs? They look like what happened to my hair the time my grandmother left four-year-old me alone in a room with a pair of scissors.
Peter, Vic, and Paris are having dinner together too, and also talking about Annie's dead dad and her resulting good mood. Guess what? They've all been feeling "strangely happy" lately too. "Something's going on. And I like it!" says Vic, taking a huge bite out of his sandwich. Well, that settles it. Annie definitely threw some X into the Glenoak reservoir.
Ruthie asks RevCam what the deal is with them having take-out for the third night this week. RevCam says he guesses that Annie wanted time off from cooking. You know, because her dad just died, Ruthie, you little troll. Also, RevCam? Why don't you cook a damn meal once in a while? Ruthie asks where Annie is. RevCam says she's outside looking for something. "Not Grandpa, I hope," Ruthie says. "No, we finally got to bury his corpse last week, remember?" RevCam says. Actually, he just gives Ruthie a look. Ruthie says Annie is acting like they never lost him. Yeah, Ruthie, whereas your expressionless face after finding out he was dead last week conveyed a huge sense of loss. Annie runs in the house, squealing that she "found it!!!!!" It turns out that she was looking for two bottles of "bubbling apple cider" that she bought at the market earlier and left in the car. Then she pulls one of her most horrid clownfaces ever, and I turn to stone. Ruthie asks what they're celebrating. "Life, family, us, everybody, everything!" Ruthie walks to her mark in front of Annie so that she can be enveloped by her mother's ample bosom. Everything about this episode sickens me. "I ordered finger food so we could eat it with our hands, WON'T THAT BE FUN????" Annie shrieks. But...they're having Chinese food. Did they order a gallon of crab rangoons or something? Ruthie says she's been begging Annie to order finger food "for years." Huh? "I know, and now I did it!" Annie says, shaking Ruthie in a belated attempt to induce shaken-baby syndrome. Munchausen's-by-proxy makes mothers happy, too!
The family Vickery/Petrowski leaves their table. Vic and Paris hold hands, and Peter smiles. Vic asks if anyone would like to buy him a movie ticket. How charming! Paris says she has to go home and do some housework and get ready for a meeting at work tomorrow. Peter says he'll pay for a rental movie if Vic sticks around for a bit. Vic says he will, but only to help Paris do laundry. Peter volunteers to do the bathrooms and the kitchen. What a dumbass! You're always supposed to volunteer for the easy rooms. Paris asks what's going on here. "I don't know. Grandpa Charles?" Vic says. The hell? He's not Vic's grandpa, and Vic didn't even know him. Vic notices Chandler standing in front of the ticket counter of the movie theater, waiting for his cue, and calls out to him. He invites him back to the Petrowski residence to do some dusting, saying that Chandler looks like he could use the company of a family. Way to rub in Chandler's face that you're with Paris and he's not, asshole. Chandler declines the invitation. As he watches them leave, some lady wearing an ugly pink peacoat walks up and tosses her hair in a ridiculously exaggerated manner. At first, I thought that this was guest-star Randy Spelling in drag, since the girl looks a lot like Tori. It isn't, although I'm pretty sure she has to be some kind of Spelling relative. Horse faces and a complete inability to act are genetic.
Speaking of which: Asslee. Her family has finished dinner and is discussing their plans for the rest of the night. Asslee and her dad are going to the high school to supervise a new cleaning crew (fun!), and the mother is doing some bookkeeping at home (thrills!). Asslee has the crazy idea of combining both tasks into one fun-filled evening by having her mother do her bookkeeping at the school! Asslee's dad says that this is a great idea and a delightful idea, and they all get up to leave. I'm not even sure if how much fun they're about to have is legal. They see Chandler, who apparently gave up his movie-watching plans in favor of violating the laws of time and space and beaming himself on over to a spot behind the Asslee family, and invite him along. He says he's just going to get a pizza and watch some television at home. "Well, that doesn't sound like any fun," says Asslee's mom, unlike her current evening plan of doing bookkeeping in a haze of cleaning product, which is sure to be a fucking laugh a minute. Chandler says he doesn't want to go. "It's not about cleaning, it's about family and friends," Asslee's dad says, rather forcefully. Chandler says he doesn't want to join the Asslee family cleaning cult already. They leave, and he sits down. That weird-ass girl walks up and sits down to him. Ew, what is going on with her skirt? It looks like she stole a valance and tied it around her waist. It wouldn't be the first time someone has worn drapes on this show. The girl stares at Chandler, making him understandably uncomfortable. Oh, and then she tries to smile. Ugh.
Roxanne and Lucy are chatting on the phone. Roxanne is "still" getting emails from Martin's dad. Lucy says that this could be a solution to Roxanne's problem of being a total slut. In essence. She said that in essence. Lucy asks about Roxanne's dad, and I'm really impressed. Usually Lucy thinks of no one but herself. Roxanne says she and her father are heading to the gun range for a little "competition," making a gun shape with her hand and shooting it just in case we couldn't tell what the nature of their competition would be. Roxanne rings off, and Lucy tells Kevin about Roxanne's evening plans. Kevin asks if she wants to go to the gun range sometime. Lucy says no. Kevin says that's probably best, since the little wife is, you know, a bag of crazy hormones and god knows what could happen. Lucy and Kevin decide to take a walk, sealing the deal with a chaste kiss. "I feel...funny," Lucy says. "Was it the pizza?" Kevin asks. Hee. Lucy says she feels funny "in a good way." Kevin says that he does, too, but he didn't want to say anything.
That weird girl is still making eyes at Chandler. He turns away from her and calls Roxanne, but she's not home, so he has to talk to her extremely annoying answering machine message. The girl looks on, her eyes half-closed because it does require a small amount of energy and control of one's own body to keep them open. Chandler finally turns to her and introduces himself, but there's no need. She already knows who he is and everything about him. She introduces herself as "Angela," then tells him to go to "4701 Chapel Lane." Before Chandler can get any more information, a haggard waitress runs in front of her and gives him his pizza, saying that it's on the house because Pete kept Chandler waiting. When the waitress exits frame, Angela is gone. Chandler acts all surprised, but considering that the waitress was standing directly in front of Angela for about five minutes, thus providing her ample opportunity to casually walk away, I'm not sure why.
Holding a pizza box, Chandler walks around outside Pete's, looking for Angela. He finds the waitress and asks her, but she says she never saw anyone sitting to Chandler in the first place. "Have I been drinking?" Chandler wonders aloud. "No," says the waitress, remembering that Pete's Pizza doesn't have a liquor license, I guess. Chandler decides that he needs to get some rest.
A tiny boombox plays "You're Nobody Until Somebody Loves You." Suddenly, a crapload of professional dancers run into frame, holding mops and twirling around. Asslee and her dad are there, too, although their dancing skills are considerably less impressive. Chandler walks in, holding his pizza box at, as someone on the forums noted, a ridiculous forty-five degree angle. He watches for a while until Asslee "dances" up to him and asks if he wants to join them. Chandler says he just wanted to ask her if Ruthie knows a girl her age named "Angela," who describes as blonde and "cute." Seeing as his description is so glaringly inaccurate, Asslee says she doesn't know anyone like that. She goes back to "dancing" and "mopping," and Chandler waves goodbye, wondering if maybe the cleaning crew should have thought twice before they mixed ammonia and bleach.
And we're at the Petrowski residence, where Vic has never looked so damn happy to be dusting. You have to give the guy credit, though: if this show is going to make him look like a complete and total fool, he might as well get into it as much as possible. Paris comes into the room, and the two dance together. Then Peter enters with a mop, which he uses as a dance partner. With the business end of the mop up in the air, mind you, which can't be doing much to actually clean the floor. Chandler comes in, and they invite him to join the "fun." Vic starts dancing spastically in his face, and Chandler totally forgets why he even came to the house in their first place. Chandler says he feels like he's in the "twilight zone." No, Chandler, you're not, because then you would be on a much better show. Vic says that Chandler is just single, like he "technically" is. Chandler's all, "Please stop talking about how you're doing my ex-fiancée, thanks." Actually, he says he might just be looking for someone to "explain the unexplainable," and Vic says that he's the perfect guy to ask since he used to be an alcoholic. I don't know. Then he starts dancing again with a crazy-ass grin on his face. With the amount of ecstasy these people must have absorbed into their systems by now, I'm surprised they aren't playing rave music and clutching glow-sticks.
Martin twirls Ruthie around the CamKitchen as RevCam and Annie sashay along the background. SamVid sit precariously balanced on the rather tall kitchen island and try not to plummet to their deaths. They're wearing shirts with the numbers "22" and "5" on them, which I believe is supposed to reflect their respective IQs. Chandler walks in, and is greeted in unison by the whole creepy family. RevCam dances and twirls Annie up to Chandler, who then hops over to him and invites him in. Chandler says he can't stay, and asks her if she believes in angels. Of course she does! Especially when they're beaming at her from her Precious Moments figurine collection. Chandler leaves the CamPound, only to see Lucy and Kevin dancing in the street. What I wouldn't give to see Simon run them both over. I bet David Gallagher would have agreed to do that particular guest appearance, too. Chandler gets in his car and looks in his driver's side mirror, only to see that creepy-ass girl staring back at him. The camera zooms into his face as he, quite understandably, screams in terror.
And now it's my turn to scream in terror, because we get a close-up on Chandler's sweaty, puffy face as he wakes up in a fright and stares at the camera, wheezing, for like five minutes. Ugh. He turns on a light and looks at his clock, then decides to get himself to 4701 Chapel Lane.
Clad in bathrobes, RevCam and Annie exit the bathroom as he asks her why she's so happy. "Wasn't the past hour reason enough?" Annie says. "Hour? Your watch is broken," says RevCam. Yes, obviously it's about fifty-eight minutes fast. Also, ew. Also, ew again. Also, I just threw up in my mouth and I don't know what to do: should I swallow it or run to the sink to spit it out? On one hand, swallowing barf is gross. On the other, I'm sitting in the chair I bought from Target (the only piece of furniture currently occupying my living room) and it's really comfortable. Decisions, decisions.
Annie says that "it's like my father died and I've gone to heaven." What a selfish bitch. Annie and RevCam lie on the bed in opposite directions, their heads meeting in the center. We get an overhead shot of this, with Annie's face scarily partially hidden in darkness, and RevCam's head upside-down. What a perfect time for a monologue! Annie rambles on about how great it is that they have such a big family and so many friends. "Do you know how many friends we have?" she asks RevCam. "Um...is that counting the people who steal our food?" asks RevCam. "No," says Annie. "Then...zero." Annie keeps going about how lucky they are to have so many kids, and I can only imagine what people watching at home who aren't, for whatever reason, able to have kids must be thinking right now. Probably something along the lines of "I must kill Brenda Hampton, and then myself." Annie goes through a list of her children and their spouses, giving special attention to Kevin and completely skipping over Simon. Annie says that instead of feeling sorry that her dad is dead, she's just happy that he lived. Sigh. That's one of those notions that's great and totally practical in theory but that, when you're faced with the actuality of someone close to you dying, doesn't ever fucking work. Not until a lot of time has passed, anyway. Which makes this show totally offensive to any viewers who have ever experienced loss. Which is probably just about all of them. So, great fucking job, Brenda.
Annie actually says she's grateful to be a great mother, the kind of great mother that locks her children in the garage and leaves her young sons home alone while she runs off to "help" her elderly neighbors elope. "I really am happy," Annie says, her voice completely devoid of joy. As it always is. Annie asks RevCam what makes him happy, leading us to a close-up of RevCam's face as he lists them. Except that he's upside-down the entire time, so it's just distracting and stupid. Annie says that the improvement in her mood seems to have made everyone else's mood better, too. That should probably tell her something about how when you're a total bitch to everyone all the time, they're miserable, but it doesn't. Suddenly, Annie's face turns angry and she stares directly at the camera and says: "But I'm not high." I believe it was at this point that I realized that this show had passed some kind of point of no return and that nothing would ever be the same again. Annie asks RevCam what he's "up to." He will only say that Annie will "love it," then asks her what she's up to making Lucy and Kevin spend more time together. They agree to make an exchange of information. Of course, we won't be seeing that.
Chandler drives up to a house. A ten-minute close-up on the house number says it's "4701," like, okay, we get it. Show something else already. We cut to Chandler's puffy face, and I immediately regret my words.
The morning, Annie places glasses of orange juice around the kitchen table. Psst, Camden family -- here's something I learned before going to college that you may want to take under advisement right now: never drink anything that you didn't open yourself. You don't know what someone else has put in it. I'm just saying. Ruthie comes downstairs and asks her mother if it's okay to be happy even though her grandfather just died. "Oh, it's okay, Ruthie. It's okay to be happy," Annie says with steely resolve. Ruthie tells her mother that she loves her, and they hug. Ruthie still only comes up to her mother's chest, which sucks for her, since the best thing about growing up is getting comparably tall to your mother, so you can hug her like a friend. And thus concludes a section of my recap I like to call "making my mother cry."
Martin comes downstairs and tells Annie that he doesn't know what's been going on lately, but this morning was the first time he could look at his mother's picture and feel like smiling. This makes sense, because Martin actually went through AN APPROPRIATE TIME OF MOURNING before he was able to do this.
Martin leaves, and Lucy comes inside. She says that she and Kevin had a great time alone together, and during their walk they saw a house down the street for sale and they're thinking of buying it. Annie approves a little too quickly, leading Lucy to figure out that Annie wanted her and Kevin to spend alone time to together so that they would look at the house and think about buying it.
RevCam comes downstairs with the twins and asks if Lucy saw the house. Annie shoves her thumb in his face -- in the affirmative, I guess.
Chandler's sleeping in his car. He may want to see a doctor about his tendency to fall asleep unexpectedly. A persistent knock on his window awakens him. It's a boy with giant hair, because giant hair always makes kids look cuter, according to The Law of Adding Little Kids to Television Shows to Boost Ratings. Chandler rolls down his window, even though I've never seen a car with power windows that worked when the car wasn't actually on. The kid invites Chandler into his house for some coffee and a chat. "About...?" Chandler asks. "You...me...you and me. Ever thought about adopting?" Chandler's like, "Say what?" Kid's like, "I don't have a mom or a dad, and my grandma's really, really old. I need someone." Chandler furrows his immense brow. Twinkly music plays. Okay, I guess Chandler's brow isn't that immense.
Back at the Treehouse of Lurv, Lucy and Kevin are talking about buying the house down the street. Apparently, buying a house is as easy as knowing whether or not the house is still for sale. Kevin says he thinks they're ready to buy a house. Lucy wonders when they'll be ready to have a baby. Kevin patriarchs that he and Lucy's parents want Lucy to finish college before they have kids. You want to feel sorry for Lucy that her husband and parents are deciding her life for her, but then she childishly asks if they can get a dog, and you realize why she needs three guardians.
Over at middle school, Peter and Ruthie are having a very realistic discussion about their possible future marriage plans. "You know I love you in a fourteen-year-old first-crush kind of way," Peter says. Dude, I am sorry, but there is no way that he is fourteen. Even if he is fourteen in real life, he's not fourteen. I never knew a fourteen-year-old boy whose voice hadn't at least begun to change. Ruthie won't return the love sentiment, although she does say that she hopes they get married "someday." Like maybe year, when they are of age according to this show's bizarre version of reality. Ruthie says that she's fourteen, and again, no way. I was a late bloomer myself, okay, and I was still a lot further along by fourteen than Ruthie. Especially considering that she supposedly had her period already. In the end, Ruthie admits to Peter that she does love him -- "in that fourteen-year-old first-crush kind of way. Honey." At least Mackenzie Rosman has the sense to look utterly ashamed of herself after saying that line.
Ew, Asslee's face is all up in my screen. Good thing she moves it around so damn much, thus rendering any and all tight close-ups of her extremely brief. Anyway, Asslee is talking to Martin about skipping class to go to the beach with him. "I said I was happy, not completely and totally irresponsible," Martin says. What a dork. Asslee says that she, too, is a dork and wouldn't even consider skipping class. Martin tells Asslee that she looks "really nice" today, so obviously he's blind as well as lame, and suggests going to the beach on the weekend. With her parents. Asslee doesn't think that will give them much opportunity to make out. One wonders if this was Martin's ulterior motive all along, although he says that he just wants to be around a family, even though his dad is in Iraq and his aunt is in New York. Because his dad is a Marine. In Iraq. Fighting as a marine in Iraq. Martin says he likes Asslee's parents. Martin may be the worst judge of people in the history of the universe. The couple hold hands and confirm that they are both feeling happy, as is Annie.
Chandler answers the phone, huffing and puffing from the effort of lifting the receiver all the way up to his ear. It's Roxanne. She's sorry she missed his call last night. "You're not dating anyone, are you?" Chandler asks. Roxanne immediately freezes up, terrified that this puffy, sweaty man will ask her out. But no, he just wanted to know if Roxanne wants to have a kid. Roxanne tells Chandler that if she doesn't want to date him, then she definitely doesn't want to have a baby with him. Ha! I love how Roxanne takes every opportunity to diss Chandler. She asks Chandler if he's feeling okay. "I'm a little stressed, but I know I'm talking to a cop so I don't think you'd understand," Chandler says. What? Roxanne offers to have dinner with Chandler, saying he sounds like he needs a friend. Chandler says that he does need someone, but that there's finally someone who needs him, too. Roxanne decides that she's had enough of this conversation, and doesn't press him for further details.
RevCam's in his home office when Chandler walks in. RevCam tells Chandler that he looks a little "frazzled," prompting Chandler to spend the five minutes telling him what we all just spent the last forty minutes watching. He tells us about how Angela "disappeared into thin air" after talking to him, which is totally not true, but since he also describes Angela as "cute" and "young," one would guess that Chandler's not thinking straight. RevCam says he has to go, but tells Chandler to meet him at Pete's Pizza later tonight. Then he bolts out of there and into the kitchen, where Annie starts nagging at him about something or other. RevCam tells her not to say anything to Chandler about what they talked about last night (one would hope not during their bathroom sex. Ugh). "Something went very, very wrong," he says, then runs out the door. He's right. Something has gone very, very wrong.
RevCam's at Pete's Pizza, asking Pete about whether or not he talked to Chandler about "the kid [RevCam] thought [Chandler] might be able to help." Pete says he didn't have time, so he made his niece do it. Pete calls Angela out and she comes, walking as if she only just mastered the skill. Then she opens her mouth, and it's apparent that she doesn't know a whole hell of a lot about talking either. I'm starting to wonder if Brenda Hampton just has the prop department build "guest-bots," androids whose alterable appearance guarantees that they may appear as an infinite number of guest-stars. It saves money on paying human actors in the long run.
Chandler breezes in, sees the trio, and asks "what in the name of heaven is going on?" RevCam says he "evidently" has never met Angela, except that, by every single fucking account, Chandler met her LAST NIGHT. Pete and Angela leave, and RevCam kind of apologizes for getting Chandler all confused, saying he just wanted to get Chandler to the kid's house. And asking the local pizza guy to give Chandler the message was the best way to accomplish this task? Chandler tells RevCam that his life is none of his business, and RevCam had "no right to trick [him] into getting emotionally involved with a kid just so [he] would adopt him." "So you liked him?" RevCam asks, not getting it. He says he heard about the kid and decided that Chandler would be great for him. "Why me?" Chandler asks. "Why not you?" RevCam says. Hmm. How about BECAUSE CHANDLER DOES NOT WANT TO ADOPT A CHILD, NOR HAD HE GIVEN IT ANY THOUGHT. RevCam calls this a "dream adoption," by which he means "easy adoption," because the grandma will just sign her grandson over to Chandler without any government agencies getting involved or Chandler having to do anything like FIND OUT IF HE'S READY AND ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. RevCam starts complimenting Chandler all over the place about how great he is and what a great father he would be -- on the verge of tears the whole damn time, of course -- and how Chandler wants to share his life, so why not "start with this child?" Only for a million reasons, some of which I have already stated. In all caps, because I'm so damn angry.
Anyway, RevCam does some more yammering on about how Chandler just has to adopt himself a son right now, and then Randy Spelling walks in, introducing himself as a lawyer for the kid's grandma. Chandler expresses doubt that anyone as young-looking as Randy could be a lawyer, and I think they might need to give that up already, since isn't Randy, like, thirty by now? And he looks even older. Anyway, Randy says he "just passed the bar. Legally." So I guess at some point before then, he passed it "illegally." I wish we could have heard more about that; it sounds more interesting than the contract Randy gives Chandler, which says that Chandler will meet with her grandson "with the intention of adopting him." She doesn't want him to get his hopes up only to have Chandler take off, thus "permanently damaging the kid's ego." "Ego"? Chandler asks Randy if he's single. Randy says he is. Chandler asks if they can maybe go out some time, then. Or he just asks Randy why he doesn't adopt the kid himself. Randy says he lives with his mother and has a lot of debt, okay? Also, his parents' mansion has its own movie theater, so why would he even want to move out? Randy asks Chandler what he knows about the kid. It turns out that he doesn't know very much, since the kid lied to him to sound more appealing. Chandler thinks for about three seconds, then signs the contract. Randy calls the kid in, who says that "having a dad is something I've been dreaming about all my life." RevCam starts bawling. Maybe he's thinking about the time when he and Annie adopted Ruthie, and how much he now regrets that decision.
Annie sings about the rhythm of life again, then skips around the table with the twins. The creepy munchkin music gets piped in again and plays us out to black. Holy shit. I shall never recover.