We open on Mrs. Bink and Fred telling Chandler that they want to spend "whatever time [they] have left" together as a married couple. "With or without you, if you catch my drift!" Mrs. Bink says to Chandler. I did not catch her drift. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to. Chandler says they can consider themselves "counseled," and the loving couple departs.
Annie seems to have borrowed some hair-care tips from Sara Sidle, although in this case, it's an improvement. She gets off the phone with Lily and announces that her sister is getting married, and she wants to do it at RevCam's church with him officiating. RevCam, busily toweling off a dish (those dishes must be rubbed raw at this point -- how many times have we seen characters drying dishes on this show?), says that's swell. But wait -- no it isn't. Selfish bitch Lily wants her father to walk her down the aisle. Annie says that he's in no condition to do that -- he can barely walk down the hall to use the bathroom. That hasn't stopped SamVid from being included in a wedding party. "Why would she do this?" Annie demands, then walks away before RevCam can answer.
A retarded person walks into Chandler's office. I'm starting to think that Glenoak has a lot more retarded people per capita than the national average. "Pat!" Chandler says. "What are you doing out so late?" Why are you working so late, Chandler? RevCam's off drying dishes in the comfort of his own home and you're doing all his paperwork again, you loser. Also, how appropriate that this character's name is Pat, as he or she bears a remarkable similarity to the Saturday Night Live character of the same name, as you can tell by my not knowing which gender pronoun to use. Anyway, Pat wants to get married. It's in love, and it wants Chandler to marry them. Chandler says that's great, in the way that people talk to retarded or crazy people to appease them. Pat says her husband-to-be is really nice, and she just met him last night. Whoops! The Piano of Wacky Retarded Hijinks plays us to the theme song.
A title card pops up that reads "Mrs. Bink and Fred." What the hell is this? Hasn't 7th Heaven employed enough kooky gimmick shows this season already? The Guitar of Seventy Million Guest Stars plays as Chandler does an Opening Credits Timewaster dance, running around his office and packing up his books and papers. RevCam comes in and watches. And watches. Anduhwatches. Like, leaning against the doorframe with a little smile on his face, his eyes decidedly aimed at Chandler's butt, his neck craning for a better view. Chandler finally notices his creepy boss and asks what he thinks he's doing. "Reminiscing," RevCam says, because I guess that's what they're calling it these days. Chandler is nervous about marrying his first couple -- he doesn't want to mess it up. RevCam has some advice: it won't go smoothly, he can't be prepared, and something's inevitably going to mess it up. Um, that's terrible advice, and I hope RevCam doesn't go around telling brides- and grooms-to-be that the odds are that he'll screw up their wedding something fierce. Maybe that's why we haven't seen him working in a while. Chandler says nothing is going to mess up this wedding. RevCam says he's in denial, and that he's "only a phone call away." Yeah, Chandler, or he's behind you, watching your ass move in those Dockers, so watch out! RevCam leaves, because he's spent five minutes at work, and that's enough for the rest of the season.
In the hall, he passes an old lady who looks more like Norman Bates's interpretation of his mother than an actual old lady. She asks for "Reverend Hampton." "Oh, yes, she's right behind the camera, the one with a gun trained on me so that I deliver my lines with something resembling sincerity," RevCam answers. No, she meant Chandler Hampton, not Brenda Hampton. In that case, he's in the office.
Old lady hobbles in the office and gives Chandler a kindly hello. Then she starts beating the absolute shit out of him with her cane. He screams in pain. Oh, I'll just be watching that scene over and over again over here, thanks.
"Reverend Hampton."
"Uh huh?"
"Ah." THWACK THWACK THWACK!
"Oh, ow, ow! Stop, ow, you're hurting me!"
Rewind
"Ah." THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!"
"Oh, ow, ow! Stop, ow, you're hurting me!"
Rewind
"Ow, ow! Stop, ow, you're hurting me!"
Rewind
"-- you're hurting me!"
Ahhhhh. That was fun. Chandler asks the old lady for an introduction, because that's what people do when they're getting assaulted -- they ask the name of their attacker instead of calling the police. "Gertrude Fleming," the lady says, "I'm little Freddy Fleming's mother." Chandler realizes that she's talking about Mrs. Bink's Fred. Fred Fleming. Another abominable abuse of alliteration. Gertrude says she just found out about the wedding, and he has to stop it. Chandler doesn't understand, so Gertrude asks him if he's stupid or deaf. "Well, both, right now, because I was storing some sausages in my ears for my in-between, in-between breakfast and lunch snack," Chandler says. Gertrude thinks that Mrs. Bink is a cradle-robbing gold digger. Chandler says that's ridiculous. "Poppycock!" Gertrude says. "She is not good enough for my boy!" And then she puts a hand up to her mouth and fake-cries. You know, I live out in Los Angeles now, and I see unemployed actors all the time. There's no shortage of them that would necessitate hiring random people off the street, regardless of talent, as this show so obviously does. Chandler says that Fred is in his sixties, and probably old enough to make his own decisions. This gets him another threat of cane-violence, so he promises to look into it.
“ Chandler says he can't; they need to slow down and not rush into things. Right, UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS SHOW. If Brenda's trying to show us that retarded people are just like people of what this show considers to be normal intelligence, then shouldn't Pat and Jimmy be getting married after one date? ”
Side-wipe to Chandler coming to RevCam's back door, Pat and Jimmy in tow. They all ask for help.
Side-wipe to Pat and Jimmy watching Ruthie, Peter, and SamVid playing cards. Ruthie invites them to join in. They say they're too nervous. Ruthie sits to them and asks if she can do anything. Pat and Jimmy explain that they want to get married, but Jimmy's dad is against it. SamVid look on, envious of the intelligence, reason, and life skills possessed by these two people. Jimmy says that they've only had one date. Ruthie says that her brother "fell in love" with his wife on their first date. And that's worked out really well, too. Jim runs into the room, followed by Revs Cam and Chan, and tells Jimmy to leave. They do. Pat is sad. "They're really in love," Ruthie states, and Peter nods. Okay, Ruthie, except that no, they're totally not. Jimmy even said that he only loved Pat because she gave him a French fry. That's not love; that's how children make friends with each other, okay? Pat and Jimmy are obviously not capable of making a decision of this magnitude, and I can't figure out for the life of me why Brenda Hampton would try to convince us that they are, or what possible positive lesson could come out of all this.
Side-wipe to RevCam calling Chandler in the middle of the night. RevCam tells him to get to the CamPound, as there's a "situation." Jimmy and Pat are missing! RevCam is there with Jimmy's parents and Pat's dad.
Side-wipe to Chandler coming into church and finding Jimmy and Pat. They wanted to be the "first in line" to get married. Yeah, that totally convinces me that they're able to make the decision to get married. They demand that Chandler marry them. Chandler says he can't; they need to slow down and not rush into things. Right, UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS SHOW. If Brenda's trying to show us that retarded people are just like people of what this show considers to be normal intelligence, then shouldn't Pat and Jimmy be getting married after one date? Pat says she wants Jimmy to move into her house, into an extra room. Is it okay if they cohabitate, premaritally? Chandler says that it is, and he would be honored to marry them someday. The Van Pattens rush in (apparently, Mrs. Van Patten had a bill or two to pay as well), followed by some other guy. The Van Pattens say they were very worried about Jimmy. "I'm not a baby, I'm a man," Jimmy says. Sounds familiar. Except that that was an example of a rare storyline that actually worked on this show, and this isnot. The Van Pattens take a lesson from Pat's dad, who says he "trusts" her. Chandler tells Jim that he will be happy to marry Pat and Jimmy, after they've gotten to know each other better. Jimmy tells his dad that he loves Pat, and he wants to live in her house. Mrs. Van Patten says that she approves of this, and of Pat and Jimmy, and she thanks God for the peace that this gives her. Then she looks up and thanks Him. RevCam looks up, too, but doesn't thank anyone, because he hates his life. Jim says he'll keep an open mind about this, and then everyone commences hugging. Except RevCam and Chandler, who simply exchange manly shoulder pats and handshakes.
“ 'How are you?' Eric asks. 'Oh, pretty well,' says Ginger, 'considering that my husband has been dead since last April and it's only now being acknowledged.' She may not have said that last part. ”
"Lilly and Derick." I've been spelling her name wrong all this time. Meh. RevCam comes downstairs, where the rest of the family is eating breakfast. RevCam says hi, and Lucy hushes him, saying that no one wants to wake up Annie. "That's sweet," says RevCam. Well, not really; everyone's afraid of Annie today because she's, as SamVid puts it, "not happy. She's mad." RevCam lectures SamVid that they mean Annie's "angry," not "mad." "I think she's both," SamVid says. Ha! And here I was, thinking they were kind of slow all this time, when they're really quite astute. ["Even a broken clock is right twice a day." -- Sars] RevCam asks what Annie is angry about. Lucy says it's about Lilly's wedding. RevCam says that Annie is all smiles about Lilly's marriage, because it means that she won't be living in sin anymore and stuff. Ruthie asks RevCam to "explain the rehearsal dinner last night." Yes, please do explain the rehearsal dinner last night, because from what I've seen in this episode thus far, it either consisted of the Camdens skipping it to help out Mrs. Bink, or RevCam skipping it to help out Pat and Jimmy. Either way, we didn't have the privilege of seeing it, and so the event must be relayed to us after the fact. Such great storytelling! RevCam says that Annie left the dinner because she wasn't feeling well, which Lucy says was obviously an act. "Eric!" Annie's demanding, naggy voice rings out from upstairs. Annie comes downstairs dressed in all black and asks where everyone went. We see the formerly occupied kitchen table, and that it is now completely vacant, the open back door seemingly providing the means of escape. If they had added the Simpsons-style sound effect of footsteps running outside, a car door slamming, and then a car peeling out and driving away, then shit, that would have been perfect. I would have given this episode a C. I can't give it a grade any higher than that, because the retarded engagement storyline was so damn offensive.
Annie says that she actually is upset about Lilly's wedding -- more specifically, that her dad is going to be in it. She doesn't think he's up to it, and wishes that Lilly had asked her instead of asking Ginger. Because Ginger, Annie's father's wife and main caretaker, totally knows less about her husband's condition than Annie, the semi-frequent weekend visitor. Anyway, Annie has a "bad feeling" about this. She lumbers back upstairs, and the phone rings. It's Ginger. "How are you?" Eric asks. "Oh, pretty well," says Ginger, "considering that my husband has been dead since last April and it's only now being acknowledged." She may not have said that last part. Also, the Cheesy Split-Screen is back in full effect. How I long for the masterful director's touch of Aunt Julie, who eliminated this particular device from her episode. RevCam asks about Charles. "He's having a good week!" says Ginger. "Now that the butyric fermentation process has pretty much ended, it's dry decay from here on out." She may not have said that last part. But she should have. Or maybe not, actually. In fact, I'd like to apologize for saying it myself. Anyway, Charles is happy about the wedding, and that he'll be involved. Ginger doesn't understand what Annie's deal is, but she can't not bring Charles to the wedding because "that would be wrong." True. Ginger thinks that Charles would be very upset if he knew that Annie didn't want him to be in the wedding. "So, we're coming," says Ginger, flying off the screen even though the two-way phone conversation is not yet over. I guess the special effects department ran out of money after blowing their budget on those side-wipes. RevCam wishes them a good trip, and Ginger tells him to take care of Annie. "I'd rather take care of the senile old guy," RevCam doesn't say.
Hey, guess what? Annie was listening in from behind the staircase the whole time, and something about it has upset her. I can't imagine what it is, though, as you'd think the fact that her father is having a good week would make her happy. You'd think.
RevCam answers a ringing doorbell. It's Chandler, and he's here to help RevCam like RevCam helped him with Mrs. Bink and Pat and Jimmy. "Just use me!" Chandler says. "There is something you can do for me," RevCam says. After seeing the way RevCam was looking at Chandler's ass forty minutes ago, I don't think this is going to end well.
Chandler walks into Annie bedroom, where she's compulsively folding and re-folding sheets. She figures out right quickly that Chandler was sent by Eric to talk to her. Annie says she doesn't need to talk, then proceeds to talk about the bad feeling she has, "the feeling deep in your gut that something bad is going to happen." It's not about her problems with Lilly; actually, she's cool with Lilly now, saying that, since last week's resolution of their one-sided conflict, she's grown to love her sister and wants her to be married and whatever. She just thinks that this will be too stressful for their father. And in case you didn't know, she has a bad feeling. But she doesn't need to talk about it. But she still will, for about two more minutes.
Ruthie comes back in the house as RevCam's clearing the table. She says everyone else "ran off." She offers to help clear the table, then asks RevCam why Annie doesn't like "Aunt Lilly." Whoops! Lilly had already broken into the house and probably heard the whole thing. She's become more and more like her sister every day. And in that case, she may want to consider killing herself. Lilly says she just wanted to stop by and check on Annie after she left the rehearsal dinner early. Apparently, Lilly's concern was so great that she didn't bother to style -- or even brush -- her hair before leaving the hotel. She leaves to go upstairs, and Ruthie asks RevCam if he thinks that Lilly heard her. RevCam's like, "Um, considering that I personally saw to it that the acoustics of this house make any conversation audible no matter what the distance between the speaker and listener, yes."
“ Lilly says that she's so 'glad' to have Annie in her life now. I can't imagine why. ”
Lilly and Annie face off upstairs. Annie tries to passive-aggressify the conflict away and feign ignorance that there's any trouble between her and Lilly, but Lilly heard what Ruthie said. And she's really kind of pissed about it. You go, Lilly! Annie finally tells her that the reason she's upset is that she doesn't want their father to be a part of the wedding. Lilly says she didn't know that. Poor Lilly; it's not her fault that her sister's such an avoiding bitch. Oh, and by the way, for those of you keeping track at home, Annie's feeling has been upgraded to "very bad." Lilly says she'll call Ginger and tell their father not to come. "No, you can't," says Annie. Lilly is quickly losing patience. Annie sort of apologizes, but says that there's nothing Lilly can do now. Annie, you suck. You should have either told Lilly all this when there was something she could do about it, or just accepted that this is the way things are going to be, and there's nothing anyone can do about it, and gotten the fuck over it.
It's nighttime at the CamPound, and Annie's sulking on the back porch. RevCam comes out and asks her how she's doing. She says she's not trying to ruin Lilly's wedding, which we all know is a total lie. RevCam says everything will be okay; Annie childishly asks him if he can guarantee that. "You know better than anyone that, in life, there are no guarantees," RevCam says. "I mean, God, those birth control pills were supposed to be guaranteed, but now we've got two retarded twin boys to look after until we're well into our seventies, so" RevCam suggests that Annie go to Lilly and make her feel better.
Side-wipe to a sobbing Lilly, sitting in the church. Lilly thinks that she's a terrible person, and she wants to cancel the wedding. She was being selfish when she asked her father to walk her down the aisle, and Annie has no reassuring answer for that, because Annie thinks she's right. I don't, however. Lilly says that she's avoided getting married for so long, and she thought that doing it with her dad and new family around her would make her feel better. But she was just thinking of herself. "And that's totally normal," Annie says, "for me, anyway. I do it all the time." And notice how Annie doesn't deny that Lilly is being selfish. Annie says everything will be okay, and she really believes that. She doesn't want Lilly to be sad on her wedding day. And Annie's bad feeling? "It's gone." Lilly says that she's so "glad" to have Annie in her life now. I can't imagine why.
After watching this episode, my dad was so appalled that he called to complain that the fact that I recap it, and that he's a fan of my recaps, means that he has to watch this show every week. As consolation, I told him that if it ever turned out that he fathered a child out of wedlock, and she came back into our lives and wanted him to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, but he had Alzheimer's, that I wouldn't be opposed to it. He said it was small comfort.
“ Tomorrow? Damn, that's fast. Although I guess not really, since, you know, the guy has been dead for ten months. ”
morning, Annie is dressed in her best funeral -- I mean, "wedding" outfit. SamVid, too, are all decked out in black and they even managed to get their ties on. Ruthie runs out and Annie critiques her style, "a little less lipstick and more hairspray." Ruthie's an idiot to take fashion advice from her mother. The phone rings. Annie walks into Martin's room without knocking to find him and Asslee chastely making out. Martin lies that Asslee was just helping him with his tie. Annie doesn't even care. Lucy walks up and says that she and Kevin will take everyone to the church, and she and RevCam can come when they're ready.
RevCam walks in and says he has to talk to Annie. It turns out that Ginger finally realized that her husband was dead. Annie makes it all about herself, saying that she had a feeling and blah blah blah. And then Annie decides not to tell Lilly about her dad until after the wedding. They can lie to Lilly that Ginger missed the plane, and then, after the wedding is all over, Annie will tell her the truth. She thinks that's what their father would have wanted. For his daughter to think that he didn't care enough about her to make the flight to her wedding? Hmm. This whole "don't tell Lilly" thing may well go down as the worst decision in history since the greater European powers decided to take a "wait and see" approach to Hitler's rise to power and building of a massive army. Or since The WB decided to air Brenda Hampton and Aaron Spelling's new show about a minister raising his large family.
Later that night, RevCam comes into the living room, where Annie is looking through a family album. He asks how Lilly took the news of her father's death, which was delivered off-camera, because why show something potentially interesting and emotionally arresting when you can show two retarded people expressing their love for each other because one of the them gave the other a French fry. Lilly wasn't going to honeymoon until the summer, so she'll be able to go to Arizona and attend the funeral tomorrow. Tomorrow? Damn, that's fast. Although I guess not really, since, you know, the guy has been dead for ten months. Annie says she feels "like an orphan." That's good, because, technically, she is one. RevCam calls her "Ann," which was kind of touching, and says that she is "not alone." Yes -- she has her three kids who didn't bother to call or come back home for their grandfather's funeral, and a whole bunch of weirdos who aren't related to her but keep eating all her food. They start looking through the photo album, which was put together by Lilly when she "stole" those family pictures last week. Holy fucking shit -- Lilly took the photos to make an awesome present for Annie, and Annie spent the whole episode hating her for stealing them? That's actually really, really funny to me. Annie is an inexcusable bitch.