Nighttime at Pete's Pizza. I never noticed this before, but the sign for Pete's Pizza, which prominently features a fat, mustachioed, rather demonic-looking Italian man holding a pizza aloft, is really offensive. Maybe those Italian groups that complained about The Sopranos should concentrate their efforts on even more destructive images of their ethnicity. Peter and Vic are having dinner, and Peter is nattering on about some upcoming school project which isn't due for a week, and for which he already knows he can get an extension, but that he's already started on, just like the dork he is. Although maybe I would get started on project early if my school assigned as many as this poor kid gets. Peter asks Vic if he's paying attention. "Honestly? No," says Vic. Damn, Vic -- I know how awful it can be to have to listen to Peter for any extended length of time, but he is your son, and you are trying to make up for being absent from his life in the past three years. So try a little harder, Vic. Off-camera, though, because Peter's not my son and I'm not the one who abandoned him, so I would really rather not have to watch. Thanks! Vic decides to change the subject to himself, and how he wants to take Paris out to dinner tonight. He asks for Peter's help; Peter agrees to give it, provided that Vic promises not to hurt Paris again, and that he doesn't "expect miracles." "You sure are a confidence-builder," Vic says, apparently forgetting how helpful his little inattentive father act must be in building his son's self-esteem.
Matt is sitting in a moving vehicle. Wow, he looks terrible. He's all unshaven and greasy and gross. His cell phone rings, and oh holy god please do not let this be another episode devoted to Matt's inability to use a cell phone. Ruthie's on the other end, calling on the Lame Clear Phone to remind Matt that tomorrow is his second wedding anniversary -- the one that only she, Matt, and PC know about. Matt says he did remember and made plans to that effect -- he's flying home to celebrate it with Ruthie. Um…huh. You know, I'm just going to leave that one alone. It's probably best not to question what we do not/cannot/would never, ever want to understand. Matt tells Ruthie not to tell anyone else in the family that he's in town, and that he'll be staying with the Glasses. Hopefully, they will remain both unseen and unheard, but I never have that kind of luck. Ruthie agrees to sneak out of the house and meet up with him tomorrow night.
Opening Credits Timewaster: Paris and Peter are making breakfast and staring at each other. They do this for a quite some time, as the list of guest stars is exceptionally, not to mention frighteningly, long today. It starts getting really weird, with them each stopping what they're doing to stare at each other and smile not just a little bit flirtatiously. Aunt Julie's name flashes across the screen, and I get really scared, but it turns out that she's not a guest star; she's directing this episode. I'm relieved, but not really, because then I remember that Aunt Julie directed another episode this season, and it was goddamn terrible. Finally, the mother-son bonding ends, which is good, because it was starting to give me an Oedipal complex. Peter starts talking up his dad, and how good he is at making pancakes after Peter spends the night with him at the motel. A night in a disgusting motel bed AND chocolate-chip pancakes made on the hotplate? Sounds like the perfect slumber party to me! Paris distributes some rock-hard pancakes to each of their plates and starts trash-talking Vic until she notices that it makes her son very upset. She asks him why, because she's a complete idiot who can't understand how her kid might not like it when she denigrates his father. Peter tells her about how Vic was planning to ask her out, and if she rejects him, "it will really break his heart." No pressure, though!
Asslee sees Mac and some other guy outside the movie theater, and her eyes bulge out in…I don't know…recognition? Excitement? I'm not even going to try to figure out what emotion Ashlee Simpson is attempting to express anymore. It kills more of my brain cells than her entire family collectively possesses, and I'd much rather kill those brain cells by drinking, thank you very much. Asslee asks Mac and the other guy where Martin is; he told her that he was spending the day and night with them. Mac says he doesn't have any plans with Martin today or tonight. In fact, he has a date. With Pampers? Or has he perhaps moved on to other, more desperate girls with even bigger problems -- like the girl with a sixth toe, or the girl who didn't have enough money to buy milk with her lunch one time. The other guy says that he also has a date, although he's not very convincing. He must be the unattractive, lonely friend in the group. Asslee pouts, I guess.
Peter enters the CamPound backyard, where Ruthie is attempting to kill her brothers by throwing a large ball at their heads. Thus far, it seems that she has had little success, although she might have given them brain damage -- it's impossible to tell. Peter asks Ruthie if she wants to go to a movie with him tonight. Ruthie says she would, but she has other plans. Peter's like, "oh, whatever then," obviously not caring to hear any more about her stupid plans. Ruthie asks him if he wants to know what her plans are anyway; he says he doesn't. She says that's good, because she can't tell him. Then why even bring it up at all, Ruthie? Also, shut up. Peter starts talking about his dad and says that he loves having him around again, and would really like it if he was around "on a more permanent basis." SamVid show that they possess the motor and coordination skills required to play catch. thing you know, they'll be figuring out how to use underwear, and only four years after their peers!
Lucy's face is all scrunched up and silly-looking, but this time it's for a reason: her husband has pulled her over for going twice the speed limit. Roxanne tells Kevin to give his wife a break; he says that he is by only giving her a warning, and he took an oath, blah blah blah. Whatever, Kevbot -- my best friend's father was a cop, and this meant that my friend got to put a special sticker on his windshield that told any officer who pulled him over who his father was, and thus that he shouldn't get a ticket. When my best friend and I were suspended from school, his father took to following the superintendent of schools who personally suspended us around town and pulling him over for any and all traffic violations. The best was when the guy got a hundred-dollar ticket for riding his bike on the wrong side of the road. What I'm trying to say is, when you live in a small town and you are somehow related to one its police officers, you do get a couple benefits. All the same, you shouldn't drive like a crazy person, Lucy, especially after your own brother ran some kid over in his car.
Kevin asks Lucy why she was going so fast; Lucy says she saw Matt, so she needs to rush home to tell Mommy and Daddy. Kevin says that this does not qualify as an emergency, adding that she should mind her own business. True, but shut up, Kevin. Roxanne has had enough of this, so she jumps in the police car, turns on the sirens, and has Lucy follow her home, now able to speed legally. Kevin doesn't seem to mind, so either his precious oath does not extend to using the sirens for non-emergencies, or the car is outfitted with a special "Matt Alert 3000" siren that is to be used for just such an occasion as this.
Paris comes to church, looking for RevCam. He's not there, of course, since RevCam hasn't worked in the last three seasons. Chandler is there, although he's hard to recognize because -- I'm pleased to report -- he got his hair did! It still looks pretty horrible, but the mullet is gone and it took a good fifteen pounds off of Jeremy London's face with it. Paris says she has a dilemma about Vic, so she doesn't think that Chandler is the best guy to talk about it with. Chandler says they're friends and she can talk about anything. So she does, and Chandler tells her to chill out and consider giving Vic another chance. I guess they cut off his balls when they cut off the mullet.
RevCam and Annie have never looked happier to be drying the dishes together. Maybe it's because there was a two-for-one sale down at the SuperCuts, so Annie got her hair done too! Either that, or she stole Ruthie's Dark and Lovely Relaxer Syystem (TM). Anyway, it looks a lot better. Hasn't taken any weight off her face, though. Lucy, Kevin, and Roxanne run in and announce that Matt is back in town. Kevin warns everyone "not to jump to con-CLU-sions." I don't think they've written any new dialogue for Kevin this season, nor has he found a different way to say it. Ruthie listens in from the stairs.
Vic appears to be giving himself a homemade tattoo that says, "Paris loves Vic." You know, the kind you made in art class when the teacher left the india ink and the safety pins unattended. Except that you were probably smart enough to make something really small and to put it somewhere less prominent than your forearm. Paris calls and tries to bitch Vic out for talking about dating her to Peter, but Vic is too charming to let that happen. Paris agrees to go to dinner with him, but only if they split the check. I think the women's liberation has finally hit Glenoak! Paris says she's going to hang up now, then says goodbye. Wow, it's like a totally different show!
RevCam, Annie, and Lucy are having a conference about what Matt is doing in Glenoak. Annie thinks he's getting a divorce. RevCam thinks he's dropping out of medical school. Lucy thinks he's getting a divorce and dropping out of medical school. I guess when you're a big loser like Lucy, you take comfort in assuming that other people are like you. RevCam says the best course of action is to just pretend they don't know that Matt is in town and let him contact them when and if he wants to. Lucy protests, then realizes that this is a wise patriarchal figure talking and agrees to his plan, as does Annie. Ruthie clomps downstairs and asks what's wrong. Lucy stammers that she's upset about being pulled over, as are Annie and RevCam. Not with Kevin, though: "We're upset with Lucy. For speeding. That's very, very careless," Annie says, and her delivery was actually funny! What the hell -- was Brenda Hampton off the set this week, thus releasing whatever strange hypnotic spell she has over the cast members, thus allowing them to give themselves decent hair and make-up and say their lines fairly competently? Ruthie asks if she can go to a movie tonight; the CamRents say yes without asking anything else about it because they're distracted. And also because they're terrible parents. Ruthie tells them that they're the "worst. Liars. Intheworld." Yeah, her delivery could use some work.
Paris tells Peter not to have any "expec-TAY-tions" about her and his father's relationship. I guess she went to the same school of enunciation as George Stults. Peter leaves to get some ice cream. While he's gone, Paris sees Vic looking at rings in a jewelry store. Engagement rings, that is. I bet that store does the best business in Glenoak. She's pissed, and whisks Peter back home.
Asslee and Happy are sitting on the CamPorch. I guess the Camdens finally wised up to the fact that Asslee had no place in their home and wouldn't let her in. Good. Happy wonders why Asslee has chosen to adopt her hairstyle. Martin walks up, and Asslee confronts him for lying to her. Martin says he can't tell her where he was this morning, or what he's doing tonight. Asslee assumes that this means that he's cheating on her. Martin tells her to trust him, then walks into the house. Asslee stands in the backyard, all alone. This would be a good time for a sixteen-ton weight to come falling down from the sky and squish her. I would be so happy that I wouldn't question the logic of it.
Back at the Treehouse of Lurv, Lucy leaves a message for Rabbi Richard about Matt. "Pleasecallmeback!" she says, although you can hardly blame her for the delivery, seeing as Lucy is clutching a cup of coffee in her hand, after just having one with the CamRents in the scene. Girl is probably high as a kite!
Hey, guess what? RevCam is a two-faced hypocrite! He's leaving a message for Mrs. Conehead. A really, really, really long message. You know, writers, this is time that could have been better spent killing Asslee. I'm just saying. He tells Coney to call him back at the church, and not to tell Richard about all this, as he's prone to getting emotional about stuff. Right, unlike RevCam, whose eyes brim with tears just about every second of every day.
Listening to the answering machine are Conehead and Richard, looking miserable. Why was RevCam leaving a message for only Conehead to hear on the family answering machine? Dumbass. Conehead feels bad about lying to the Camdens; Richard wants to know if he's really "emotional." Conehead chooses not to respond. "Come back HE-ERE!" Richard says to her, sounding remarkably like the Fonz. His hair looks like the Fonz's too. But bigger.
Annie calls the emergency room of the hospital Matt works in to find out what's going on with her son. Because hospital emergency rooms have nothing better to do than answer Annie's silly questions. Nurse Debi answers.
Vic adjusts his tie and picks at a bouquet of flowers. Peter tells his dad that he looks really nervous about his date, too nervous for just a dinner. Vic says he'll tell him why, and then the scene ends.
Paris is putting on make-up and talking to an unseen someone about being glad that he came over to help her get ready. Yes, it's Chandler. Paris called her ex-boyfriend, who presumably still loves her, over to help her get ready for her date with someone else. Paris asks if this is "awkward." She shouldn't have to ask, although, really, she shouldn't have asked him to come over in the first place, so I guess Paris doesn't know much about asking. Chandler is too consumed with a magazine he's reading to care, anyway. It must be Bon Appetit. Paris finally manages to tear him away from the creme brulée centerfold and says she's worried that Vic is going to propose to her tonight, then leaves before Chandler can give her any advice about that.
They arrive downstairs. Vic sees Chandler and is less than pleased, so he starts making fun of him. Then he gives Paris a bouquet of yellow roses, saying that yellow is supposed to mean friendship. They leave for dinner, and Chandler and Peter go out for pizza.
Ruthie leaves to go to the movies. Annie, RevCam, and Lucy, seated around the kitchen table having coffee, ignore her. Even I don't drink as much coffee as these guys do. Nor would I drink it so close to bedtime; that's just stupid. Lucy has a confession to make: she tried to call Richard. RevCam also has a confession to make: he tried to call Conehead. Annie criticizes everyone for going back on their words, then confesses that she called Matt's hospital but couldn't get any information. Lucy and RevCam decide to "combine forces" and find out what the Glasses are hiding. If by "forces" they mean "complete inability to mind their own damn business, to the extent that it interferes with their daily routines." Annie says they should just drop it, and that what they're doing is "wrong." You know something's wrong when Annie is the sanest person in this family.
Kevin comes in and asks what's for dinner. Lucy says that she is going out with her father; Kevin is free to do whatever he wants for dinner. Here's an idea, jackass -- why don't you take your able-bodied, adult self into your own kitchen and make your own dinner? Kevin realizes that Lucy and RevCam are planning on spying on Matt and says, warningly, "Lu-cy." "Ke-vin!" Lucy mimics in response. I thought married people had children, not turned into them. Lucy and RevCam run out the door.
Ruthie meets up with Matt. They link arms and proceed with their night.
Silly Asslee was trying to read again, and her lack of the collective brainpower required for such an activity has rendered her unconscious. Martin walks in through her open window and wakes her up. She asks what all the sneaking around is for; he says that where they're going, she won't be home in time for curfew. He says that the only rule is that she can't ask any questions, and "can [she] live with that?" Whatever drama was supposed to be created with that question is completely nullified by Asslee's response of a blank stare devoid of any signs of life.
Vic and Paris are dining at a restaurant that isn't Pete's Pizza or the pool hall. The waiter offers Vic a wine list; Vic says that he doesn't want to see it because he's an alcoholic, as if the waiter should have somehow known this and was incredibly rude to ask. The waiter asks if Vic would like a soda instead; Vic tells him that he would really like it if the waiter left him alone. Someone's food is getting spit in, peed on, and possibly worse, tonight! It kind of sucks that the one character this show manages to write with an actual personality, played by someone who can actually infuse this personality into the character, has to be an asshole.
"Flicks" is playing a movie called Solitude. That's a strange name for a cartoon from the thirties. Matt and Ruthie walk along the Promenade. You know, if Matt doesn't want anyone to know he's in town, maybe he shouldn't walk in its busiest area on a Saturday night. He also shouldn't wear a coat with sleeves that are way too long for him. If he's so poor that he can't buy a coat the fits properly, then why did he just spend the money to fly home for the weekend? And don't tell me that he got the ticket free through Mary; Mary has already used about ten free tickets this year, and I doubt she gets any more than that. Ruthie gives him the update on what his family knows about him being in town and how they're bothering the Glasses. Matt wonders why it's too much to hope for that he can slip in and out of town without having to answer a ton of questions. Ruthie says it's because their family is nosy as hell. They decide to spend the night having dinner and watching a movie. Then they hug and walk to the ticket counter, arm in arm.
At least they don't spend their Saturday nights like the Glasses, who seem to be involved some weird Jewish ritual that involves standing in front of your front door, but facing away from it, and not speaking. Maybe they're celebrating poor-directionukah? Oh, I shouldn't knock Aunt Julie; after all, she did manage to keep this episode devoid of any Cheesy Phone Conversation Split Screens. RevCam and Lucy ring their doorbell about seventy times to interrupt. "Oh! You're home!" Lucy says when they answer, sounding surprised, although, if she thought they weren't home, why did she even come to their house? "Don't you want to invite us in?" RevCam says. "Nah!" says Richard. Ha! If Richard keeps saying stuff like that and appearing on Curb Your Enthusiasm, my hatred for him may get bumped back up to mere intense dislike. Lucy cuts to the chase: they know Matt's in town, and they know he's staying with them. They just want to know why he's here, and if he's in any trouble. Richard says they can't offer them any information, just kugel and coffee. Because we Jews always have a ready supply of freaking kugel to offer any surprise guests. Richard suggests that they talk to Matt if they want information. Lucy says they'll wait and do that, then. "I think you should wait," Conehead says, apparently just a few critical seconds behind in the conversation. Lucy asks about the kugel. Richard is surprised that she knows anything about kugel. Considering that Lucy's mother once basically pissed on the Glasses' kosher diets by sneaking cream into her kugel and then serving it to them, I don't think that Richard is being unreasonable here. It turns out that Lucy just accepted the invitation because it came with the promise of MORE COFFEE! "Just come in and eat what we serve you," says Richard. Here's hoping it's poison!
Asslee and Martin walk around in the dark. "Where are we going?" Asslee whines. Martin reminds her that she promised not to ask any questions. "Right. No questions. Why did you invite me to come with you tonight?" God, Asslee, you are so freaking dumb. Why don't you just go ahead and ask if this is chicken, what you have, or is it fish, and get it over with. Martin says he wants to share something with her that he has never shared with anyone else. They're gonna do it!
Annie is whining to Nurse Debi about how Matt won't tell her anything about his life. Nurse Debi says she's almost sure that Matt didn't drop out of school. She can't give Annie any information about Matt's marital status, however, as she didn't even know he was married in the first place. "I think that you and your husband raised a great kid, and that should give you all the piece of mind that you need," Debi says. Annie makes weird sighing sounds in agreement.
Matt and Ruthie eat banana splits, and Ruthie asks Matt why he isn't celebrating his anniversary with his wife. That's a good question, but I probably don't want to know the answer. Matt says that Ruthie is a big part of this day, and PC knows he's here. But he won't tell Ruthie anything else, because he doesn't want to ask her to keep any more of his secrets. Ruthie asks Matt if he's going to see anyone else in the family; Matt says he's just going to fly back to New York and get back to school.
Martin chivalrously throws his coat around Asslee as she complains that what Martin is sharing with her -- a walk around a park -- is kind of a letdown. Martin asks her to hold his hand, apparently knowing that Asslee is too stupid to be able to hold a hand and talk at the same time.
RevCam comes home, bearing a lot of kugel but no information. Annie tells him to just let things go, but then Chandler and Peter bust in and demand cake. When they are offered kugel, Chandler sadly states that he should have called first. Called so that Annie would have a cake ready and waiting for their arrival? Shut up, Chandler. RevCam asks Peter where his girlfriend is; last he heard, she was going to the movies with him. Peter says Ruthie had personal plans for tonight that she wouldn't share with him. Ruthie comes home and sees that she's busted, so she runs upstairs.
Vic thanks Paris for letting him back into Peter's life. Paris asks what Vic was doing in the jewelry store today. A waitress walks up and asks if they would like coffee or dessert. Vic waves her off. She walks back to the kitchen and finds the other waiter and says that he was right to put that Ex-Lax in the rude guy's soda water. "I can't marry you, Vic!" Paris blurts out. "Who asked you?" Vic responds. Ha! He says he was at the jewelry store looking for a ring to give her as a thank-you present, but everything was too expensive. He took her out to dinner tonight because today is his third anniversary of sobriety (sweet, he gets an orange chip), not to propose. He stopped drinking because of Paris and Peter, so he wanted to celebrate the occasion with Paris, and thank her for being his inspiration to get sober. "I'm an idiot!" Paris says, then excuses herself to the bathroom, saying they'll order dessert when she returns. The waitress comes around and again asks if they want anything else; he says just the check. Huh? What about that dessert Paris wanted? Now she's going to have to eat that nasty kugel at the CamPound. Vic pulls a ring out of his jacket pocket and shakes his head sadly as The Flute of (Wisely) Deciding Against Proposing Marriage plays.
Seriously, what the hell is going on over at Angel? Why can't anyone turn into a puppet on my show? Well, besides Asslee.
Peter comes home to find his mother pigging out on leftovers. She says she didn't actually eat any dinner with Vic because she was "too nervous." Paris tells Peter about how she thought Vic was going to propose, but it was all a misunderstanding. Peter's face falls, and he tells her that Vic told him earlier that he was going to propose to her. Paris asks why every man in her life has to ask Peter to marry her before they ask her. Peter says it's because the writers of the show are crazy. Then he tells her that she should only marry Vic if she loves him and will be happy with him, and not to marry him just to make Peter happy. Paris leaves "to find Vic."
Martin brings Asslee back to her room and says that today is his dead mother's birthday. Asslee's reaction? She sticks her hands in her pockets, bobbles her head a little, smiles, and raises her eyebrows. Why why WHY is Asslee still on this show? She offers nothing -- she can't act, her character is stupid and meaningless and boring, and no one on this earth is watching 7th Heaven for the sole purpose of seeing Jessica Simpson's sister. If Asslee left the show, the ratings would probably go up. Those Simpson parents must have some incriminating photos of Brenda Hampton, although I can't imagine her doing anything incriminating, morally perfect as she is. Martin continues that he's spent every year since his mom died doing stuff that she would have done if she were still alive. He spent the morning at a soup kitchen because his mother loved doing charity work. "And…the park?" Asslee says. Martin says that his mother grew up "back east," so she loves parks. I don't see the connection, but as long as Asslee isn't talking, I'm not going to complain. Every time their family moved, Martin's mom would find the nearest park, and once a week they would picnic there. The picnics are his favorite memories of his mother. Martin says the park he took her to tonight was the first one he found when he got to Glenoak, on a night when he missed his mother. I miss my mom too. This goddamn scene made me fucking cry and feel more homesick than I've felt since I moved out here. Fortunately, Asslee soon ruins the effect by speaking, asking Martin why he shared this day with her when he hasn't even told his father about it. "I love you. I do." Martin says, and leaves. Asslee has no discernible reaction to this. I hate her. I do.
Matt is riding in a car again. His cell phone rings. It's Ruthie, on the Lame Clear Phone. She thanks him for coming back to see her, and hangs up. RevCam and Annie are hiding in her closet, listening in. "Why didn't I think to ask Ruthie?" RevCam practically screams, like, way to be discreet. Ruthie sees that her bedroom door is open, and assumes that her parents must be spying behind it, which is pretty sad, and sadder still is that she's right. She wishes them goodnight, and tells them that Matt is still in school, and he still loves PC, although she doesn't know what's going on with the marriage.
Matt's phone rings again. It's Richard Lewis and Conehead, using two different phones like my grandparents do when they call me. Maybe it's a Jewish thing. They wish him a safe trip back, and he thanks them for putting him up for the night. The phone rings again. "PC?" Matt says. You know, Matt, maybe your cell phone from 1988 doesn't have this feature, but on newer cell phones you can actually see who's calling you before you pick up the phone. That way you don't seem so stupid when you assume it's one person and find out it's someone else. Nurse Debi is on the line; she says that she had a good time talking to Annie, and Annie is "sweet and funny." She must have been talking to Li'l Orphan Annie, because "sweet and funny" certainly does not describe Annie Camden. Nurse Debi says that she and Matt are "going to have to talk" about how he's married to PC. It certainly does sound like those two are having an affair, especially with all the Matt-love Nurse Debi expressed to Annie earlier in the show, but you'd think that Matt would be able to recognize her voice on the phone if they were.
Lucy and Kevin are in bed, separated by a pillow, hands clutched tightly at their sides, and dressed from head to toe. What are they, premarital co-habitators? Kevin asks Lucy why she got all crazy about Matt being back in town; Lucy says that Matt's marital troubles made her nervous about her own marriage. Kevin sets her straight by saying that they'll be together forever. Together, yet still observing the two-feet-of-distance rule, forever. Lucy apologizes for being "kind of nuts" today. Kevin says she's "kind of nuts all the time." They pillow-fight chastely.
At the pool hall, Vic is staring at a shot. The bartender asks if he can get him anything else; Vic says he'd like to be left alone. The pool hall guy is all, "I am not accustomed to being asked to mind my own business in this town!" and leaves. Paris comes in and calls Vic a "big, fat liar." Geez, Paris, the guy has enough problems with the whole alcoholism thing; he doesn't need you giving him any weight issues too. Paris says that she knows that Vic was going to propose to her, and that he shouldn't because he doesn't really want to marry her; he doesn't even know her. They are both different people than they were when they were married before. Vic says he knows Paris doesn't love him, but he wants to be with her and Peter again, and with Chandler around, he felt the need to hurry things along before he lost her again. Paris says that because they have a child together, they will always be a part of each other's life. But she won't marry him just to keep him from drinking; he has to do that on his own. Vic asks her to "leave the door open" for them. She says she'll leave it "unlocked." Dumb move, Paris; now Martin and Asslee are going to come in and eat all your food. Vic says he'll take whatever he can get. Paris says she'll drop him off at the nearest AA meeting and go home. Vic makes out with her. She smiles and rolls her eyes. Way to give out mixed signals, Paris. Vic pays the bartender and leaves without drinking.
week, Martin and Asslee may be engaged, and Annie's dad is definitely, finally, dead. Which means that, on top of missing my mother from this episode, I can spend the one missing my dad as well. Thanks, 7th Heaven.