It's good to be back. This is very easy for me to say, as I have not yet watched tonight's episode of 7th Heaven. I'm sure I'll be changing my mind as soon as I hear that crap-ass bouncy guitar medley that traditionally opens the show. Before then, I'd like to give props to everyone on the forums who wished me well on my move, Pamie and Stee for putting me up when I was looking for an apartment, my friend A-Hill for taping this episode for me since I don't have cable in my apartment yet, and, most especially, Daniel, for accidentally committing himself to recapping three episodes of the worst show that has ever been put on television. I'm sure he has now learned his lesson about volunteering to substitute for a show that he's never actually seen before. Anti-props go out, of course, to Brenda Hampton, who changed the 7th Heaven schedule around so that the week I thought was a rerun in January actually had a new episode, and then the first week of sweeps was a rerun. Because Brenda Hampton is as talented at programming as she is at writing, apparently.
We open on the same establishing shot of Glenoak's high school that we've been seeing since this show began in 1996. Seriously, I think the kids in it are wearing Cross Colors shirts. Inside, Martin is walking down the hall with a friend of his who has really bad hair. Apparently, the friend asked Asslee to get him a date with one of her friends. Asslee informs him that she doesn't "have that many friends." Well, I just find it incredibly hard to believe that someone with such a fun and vibrant personality as Asslee, who spends all her time hanging out with middle-aged housewives, has a hard time making friends. Asslee says that the few friends she does have are seniors who don't want to date sophomores. The guy with bad hair leaves, and Asslee asks Martin why "Mac" can't find his own date. That's a good question, Asslee, although it's too bad that you didn't follow it up with a refusal to help Mac. Instead, you pathetically agreed to keep asking around for him.
Martin leaves, and Asslee closes her locker to reveal some girl named Pam, who was apparently just standing behind Asslee's open locker door, waiting for Asslee to close it. Weirdo. Pam says she'd like to go out with Mac. Asslee says that's great, and asks for Pam's number so she can give it to him. Now Pam has all sorts of reservations, like what if Mac doesn't want to go out with her and other stuff that she should probably have thought about before she got Asslee involved. Asslee tells Pam that Mac will call her, then asks if her parents are okay with her dating someone they don't know. You know, if they're going to make this show into some kind of weird '50s nostalgia trip, they should really do it right and give the characters period hair and clothes to match their period values and names. That way, I won't have to put up with anymore of Asslee's ugly white shaggy doll hair. Pam leaves Asslee to stare around blankly and wait for the theme song to start up. Oh, Asslee, you didn't get any better at acting since I left, did you? How refreshing. No, that's not the word I'm looking for. Ah, here it is -- "nauseating."
The opening credits still suck and everyone still looks like ass in them.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster is Peter and Ruthie sifting through piles of books. Brenda Hampton's name pops up as the author of this episode, so I'm sure we're all in for a real treat. Ruthie and Peter start bitching about how everyone's President's Day reports are always the same, with people dressed as the presidents, and cherry pies and stovepipe hats and the like. Ruthie wants to do something different, but neither she nor Peter is capable of thinking of anything. Peter bemoans the fact that their project is due tomorrow and they still don't have an idea. He thinks it might have something to do with being paired with Ruthie. What, because they were spending all their project time making out instead of working? Doubtful. Anyway, Peter should just be glad that Ruthie hasn't taken a golf club to their assignment yet, like she did last time they had to work together. Because it's about time to move the storyline along, Peter starts wondering what they would do for their project if Washington or Lincoln were president today, what with how our media criticizes public figures for everything they do wrong, and puts a "bad spin" on everything they do right. I can see where this plot is going, so I'm just going to say it now so I don't have to repeat it several times throughout the rest of the recap: SHUT UP, BRENDA HAMPTON. Ahhh, that felt good.
Ruthie suggests writing a bunch of articles and putting them in "one of those newspapers they sell at the grocery store" for their project. They're called "tabloids," Ruthie, and don't you try to make me feel ashamed of reading them. Special shout-out to my mother, who buys a National Enquirer and a Globe every week at the grocery store, unless they have a cover story about JonBenet Ramsey or Laci Peterson. She used to buy Star, but now refuses to since the editor of US Weekly took it over and made all the pages glossy, filled it with pictures, and took out all the good stories. If my mom wanted to read People, she'd buy a goddamn People, wouldn't she? Ruthie and Peter decide to do the tabloid, then predict that they'll be getting an "A" on this assignment, maybe even an "A+." They're supposed to be excited, I guess, but the actors' joyless faces do little to convince me of this. Ruthie then wonders what they'll do if they can't find enough true bad stuff about Lincoln or Washington. Peter suggests making it up, like "the pros" do.
SamVid are packing their belongings in what appears to be a half-assed attempt to run away from home. Annie walks by and asks if they're ready to visit Grandpa yet. They claim that they can't wait. Poor kids are going to be so traumatized when they see their grandfather's corpse, now several months into the decaying process. Oh, I forgot -- this show has yet to acknowledge Graham Jarvis's death. I've been away for a month, and they still haven't written that into the show yet. Then again, this is the same show that acknowledged September 11th months after everyone else did, and with an episode that featured The Worst Actress in the History of Time as a Token Muslim, thereby probably doing a lot more damage than it did help anyone. Annie starts in with the nagging immediately, lecturing her small children for packing for their trip when it's still a few days away. Better to pack early than late, I always say (though never actually do). SamVid say they can't wait to fly in the plane and eat in cafeterias, which they love. That's right -- they love cafeterias. "I do TOO!" Annie says with the kind of emphaticism I would understand if the cafeteria was, like, located in the middle of a five-star resort in the Bahamas, but am rather confused about when it's located in an airport in Arizona.
Annie trots out into the hallway, where RevCam asks her how her day was. "Busy," Annie claims. Yeah, busy crying about how empty your days truly are. RevCam asks Annie if she's heard from her sister lately. "She's not exactly my sister," says Annie, except that Lily is exactly Annie's sister, so whatever. RevCam asks Annie if Lily knows how sick their father is. Considering that the writers don't seem to understand the specifics of Graham Jarvis's current state of deadness, I would guess that it's pretty unlikely that Lily knows anything about it. Annie asks RevCam what's up with "all the questions," even though he's only asked her two questions. RevCam suggests that Lily could fly to Arizona sometime to help Annie take care of their father. Annie snaps that Lily has her own adopted parents, and that her dad isn't "really" Lily's father. RevCam points out that Lily's adopted parents are dead, and Lily must care about her biological father. "Must she?" Annie barks. RevCam retreats a few steps before suggesting that Annie give Lily a call. Annie says she doesn't want to, and she "know[s] what all this 'I-I-I-I-I-I' means." Good, because I certainly don't. In fact, I haven't understood anyone on this show's behavior for quite some time now. Annie storms off, and RevCam bites his lip and sighs, probably in relief that his crazy wife didn't just try to rip him to pieces.
Det. Michaels walks through the stationhouse and asks to speak to Kevin privately. Oh, good, Kevin is going to get fired. It's about time. Det. Michaels asks Kevin if Roxanne has said anything to him, "off the record." Kevin asks what about, and Det. Michaels pats poor, clueless Kevin on the arm and says never mind. Kevin narrows his eyes to attempt to portray confusion and/or suspicion, then turns to ask Roxanne if she's said anything about Det. Michaels to him, because he's apparently so damn stupid that he can't remember. Roxanne states that she hasn't, definitely not, she hasn't said a word. Kevin asks what's going on. Roxanne says she can't say. "I'm going home!" Kevin Eric Cartmans.
Roxanne calls Chandler. She tells him that she has a "moral dilemma" she needs help with. Chandler expresses serious doubt that Roxanne would ever have a dilemma about anything moral, because she's a slut because she wanted to have sex once or whatever. Chandler then tells Roxanne to "wait until [she] get[s] to know him better," assuming, of course, that Roxanne the Ho-Bag's dilemma involves wanting to have casual sex or get engaged or whatever it is that people on this show do on their first dates now. Roxanne does not extend her hand through the phone line until it comes out of Chandler's handset and slaps him across the face. Instead, she asks him to meet her for pizza. Never one to turn down an invitation for greasy food, Chandler accepts, and then they hang up on each other without having finalized where and when they will meeting for dinner. Brilliant!
Annie angrily cuts vegetables as RevCam walks in the room. He offers to help her, so Annie jumps all over him for wanting to help because he knows that she's mad at him. Who cares? Help in the kitchen is always appreciated in my house, even if I have to put up with RevCam to get it. Annie tells RevCam to just tell her whatever it is that he knows about Lily. RevCam says that she isn't going to like this, but Lily called him and said that she thought Annie might be mad at her, but she had no idea why. Obviously Lily hasn't hung around Annie too much, or she would know that she doesn't need a reason to be mad at people. Just be glad she didn't lock you in an unfinished garage apartment, Lily. RevCam says that Lily wanted him to talk to Annie, so that's what he's doing, and he just wants to avoid an argument. Annie says that if he wanted to avoid an argument, he shouldn't have talked to Lily in the first place. She actually says that he should have hung up on her and then called Annie about it immediately. Oh, that's polite. RevCam says that he wanted to talk to Annie face-to-face because he knows that Annie is mad at Lily, but he doesn't know why, either. Annie says that she won't tell him. RevCam says that's fine, pauses, and then asks why Annie doesn't just tell Lily. "Because I DON'T WANT TO!" Psycho Annie childishly responds. Then she slams her nasty-looking chicken/potatoes roast in the oven and goes upstairs.
Peter and Ruthie walk in and ask RevCam for a ride to the library so they can get started on their project that is due tomorrow. RevCam rather rudely states that such procrastination isn't like Peter, implying that it is exactly like Ruthie, to which Peter equally rudely responds that he couldn't help it because he was working with Ruthie the Lazy Dumbass. RevCam agrees to take them to the library, saying that they only have a "few hours" to finish their project before dinner. Surely an entire major school project couldn't be completed in such a short time, right? We'll see! RevCam calls to Annie that he's taking Ruthie and Peter to the library. There is no response. "All right!" I say to myself, "she committed suicide! From the look of her current 'hairstyle,' it would seem that she's been trying to drown herself in the bathtub for the last three weeks." But then RevCam repeats his statement and Annie shouts back that she heard him the first time. My hopes are cruelly dashed once again.
Kevin comes home from work to find Lucy getting off the phone with Roxanne, who cancelled their weekly pizza night. That's probably a good thing, though, since Lucy's getting kind of chunky. She can't even zip her sweatshirts all the way closed anymore. Kevin calls Chandler, ostensibly to invite him out to play pool, but with the ulterior motive of finding out if Roxanne is meeting with him. Of course, Lucy begins to whine and whine about how Kevin doesn't want to go out with his own wife, but everyone ignores her. Chandler says he can't go out, anyway; he's meeting Roxanne for pizza to talk about "some moral crisis" she's having. He thinks she's just looking for any excuse to see him because, you know, he's full of shit. Kevin wonders if perhaps Roxanne is having a moral crisis about someone he knows, like, oh, say, Det. Michaels? Chandler then realizes that he's not supposed to just tell anyone who asks about his parishioner's private matters, and hangs up. Hey, how come we always see Chandler working at the church at all hours of the day and night, while RevCam has all kinds of time with which to drive his quasi-foster-children all over town?
Kevin tells Lucy that Roxanne is "cheating" on her and having pizza with someone else. Then he decides that they will be going out for pizza tonight. Even though she just got done whining about how her husband never takes her out, Lucy whines that she wants to eat at home, with her family, even though most of the people present at the Camden dinner table nowadays aren't related to her. Kevin says that there's something going on between Roxanne and Det. Michaels, and that Det. Michaels is up for promotion and whatever Roxanne knows about him could affect that. Lucy says that what Kevin's doing is gossip, and she thought he hated gossip. Kevin says that it's not gossip; it's "investigative work." "Hold the phone!" Lucy says. Kevin reaches out and grabs the nearest phone, because, as a robot, he doesn't understand human colloquialisms. Lucy uses her tiny brain to make the assumption that Roxanne and Det. Michaels are secretly dating. She grabs her coat and says she'll wait for him in the car.
Martin comes home from school, and I'm confused. We can see that it's still light outside, and RevCam just told Ruthie and Peter that dinner would be ready "in a few hours," right? Isn't it a little early to be going out for pizza? Maybe Lucy was planning on just sitting in her car and waiting for Kevin for the two hours. She doesn't have anything better to do anyway. Martin answers the phone. It's Asslee, all proud of herself that she got Mac a date. "Her name is Pam," Asslee says, alternately raising and lowering her eyebrows in an attempt to infuse some kind of emotion into her "acting." Martin says that's great, and hangs up on her. Mac enters the house, saying that Martin "forgot [his] sweats" and placing them on the kitchen counter. And just what were Martin and Mac doing together that would lead Martin to remove his sweats and leave them somewhere where he would forget them, hmmmm? Martin tells Mac that he has a date with Pam. Mac says he won't date Pam; no one will. Martin looks confused, but that might just be because he's wearing pink lipstick.
Aw, man. People are all having sex and stuff over on Everwood. My show sucks.
The Camdens spent the commercial break eating dinner, and now Martin and Mac are doing some after-dinner cleanup and fighting about who has to call Asslee to tell her that Mac won't date Pam. Annie comes in and starts interrupting them, so they leave. RevCam, Ruthie, and Peter enter and announce that they're off to make copies of their Washington and Lincoln tabloid so they can hand them out to the class. "TERRIFIC! Sounds GREAT!" Annie screams, again with the inappropriate emphaticism. On his way out, RevCam kindly asks Annie if she called her sister yet. "Drop it," Annie says, making a Clownface of Suppressed Rage.
Chandler and Roxanne are just finishing their pizza and starting the conversation that their dinner was supposedly about. Am I to assume, then, that they spent the entire dinner before this moment in silence? Roxanne is about to tell Chandler her big dilemma when Kevin and Lucy walk up and try to pretend that they aren't nosy assholes. It doesn't work, and Roxanne calls them on it. Lucy asks Roxanne why she couldn't talk to her about Det. Michaels. Roxanne says that it's because Lucy is married to Kevin. So Kevin asks why Roxanne wouldn't tell him about Det. Michaels back at "the office." "Office"? Kevin is such a tool. Chandler tells them to leave. Kevin starts yelling at Roxanne to not tell people that she's dating Det. Michaels, because it could hurt his chances for the promotion. Roxanne denies dating Det. Michaels. Chandler makes a face like someone near him just farted. Kevin says that if Roxanne isn't dating Det. Michaels, then this isn't any of his business after all, and he's sorry he jumped to conclusions. Actually, it's not any of his business even if she is dating Det. Michaels, but nice try, Kevin. Lucy says she's sorry, too, and she feels like an idiot for agreeing to go out to pizza with Kevin. Chandler is all surprised that Kevin would be the one to initiate a spy mission; Kevin says that Lucy is starting to rub off on him. Hey, it's just like Peter having Ruthie's bad work habits rub off on him. Women bring men down, all the time! Thanks for the life lesson, Brenda Hampton! I just hope that one day I'll have a strong patriarchal husband to be a bad influence on. As Kevin and Lucy walk away, Lucy whines (I know, I was just as shocked as you) that she's hungry. "Well, we can't eat here now," Kevin says. They'll just have to eat at the pool hall, the only other restaurant in town.
A big-ass close-up of Asslee's face is mostly obscured by darkness. Thanks, 7th Heaven's crappy lighting team! You just made my job a little easier. Asslee is on the phone with Martin, all mad because Mac doesn't want to date Pam. He hands the phone to Mac and tells him to talk to her. Mac says he's sorry, but he can't date Pam; he wanted Asslee to fix him up with one of her senior friends anyway, even though Asslee already told him that none of them would date him. Asslee says that her friends won't date someone two years younger than them. And anyway, Pam is expecting a date with Mac, so he'll have to call and cancel himself. Mac whines that he can't. Martin grabs the phone and tells Asslee to make Mac tell her why he won't date Pam. Asslee asks Martin why he doesn't just tell her now. Martin says it's "too stupid." So is this show, but it's still on. Mac says it isn't stupid, and Martin wouldn't think it was if he was the one who had to date Pam. Finally, Martin agrees to tell Asslee what's wrong with Pam. And then the scene abruptly ends so as to instill suspense, which, of course, it doesn't.
And now we're back with Roxanne and Chandler, who are talking about how Roxanne is doing some program to teach inmates how to read, which she signed up for when she was "looking for something to do other than date." WHORE! Apparently she met an honor prisoner there who's getting out in six months. Det. Michaels walks up and says he thought he might find Roxanne here, although with Lucy instead of Chandler. What is Det. Michaels' deal with Lucy? One week he's yelling at Kevin for lying to her, and the he appears to have her schedule memorized. Anyway, he asks to talk to Roxanne alone and offers to pay for their check. Chandler leaves, and Det. Michaels sits down and looks at Roxanne. She stares back at him.
Asslee demands that Mac be put back on the phone. She says she can't believe that Mac won't date Pam because she wet her pants in first grade. Mac asks who would be able to forget something like that. Um…everyone? I mean, shit, I have a photographic memory and I can't remember embarrassing things my classmates did in first grade. ["In my hometown, that kid was still trying to live it down when we were all in high school. He was a varsity football player by that time; didn't matter. Then again, my hometown is only slightly less pathetic than Glenoak in a lot of ways." -- Sars] Asslee says she also can't believe that all of Pam's classmates have been making fun of her for wetting her pants for the last ten years. Again, I have a pretty hard time believing that as well. Brenda Hampton needs to, like, go out in society once in a while and see how real human beings interact with each other, and not just keep guessing at it. Then we won't have bizarre plotlines like this. Mac grins and says that they nicknamed her "Pampers." That's kind of funny, actually. Asslee tells Mac that he's "despicable," except that she says it while holding the phone underneath her chin so he probably didn't hear her.
Asslee's dad runs in the room and asks what all the "shouting" is about, even though there was no actual shouting. Maybe there was supposed to be shouting, but Ashlee Simpson decided to play this scene, as she does all her other scenes, with her squeaky whisper-voice. Asslee tells Mac that she's going to "make [him] go out with Pampers." "Pampers!" Asslee's dad says, lifting his head up. I don't know why, but that cracked me up for like ten minutes. I think I'm going to start snapping to attention and saying "Pampers!" for no discernible reason, just like Asslee's dad. Martin tells Mac that Asslee is "funny when she's angry. And crazy. Mostly crazy, so watch out." I think Martin has Asslee confused with Annie, although maybe not, since all women on 7th Heaven are crazy to some extent. That's why they need men! Mac tells Asslee that she can't make him go out with Pam. Asslee turns to her dad and orders him to go to the CamPound and "beat this guy up for [me]," then hangs up on Mac. I did something like that once, too, although I was eight at the time and learned my lesson right quick when the kid I said it to's dad came marching over to my house and started punching my father in the face. Then my mom called the police (thankfully, she wasn't absorbed in one of her tabloids at the time!) and the fight ended, but I was still traumatized for life. And now you probably all think that my family is insane. Well, only my mother is, but that's because she's a woman. See, I really do pay attention to Brenda Hampton's messages after all! Anyway, don't ever tell someone that your dad is going to beat them up. That's my lesson to you.
Asslee tells her dad of The Sad Tale of Pampers's Lament. Her dad thanks her for believing that he could beat up a sixteen-year-old baseball player, but he'll stick with lecturing him instead. How about you stick with minding your business, Asslee's dad? Or maybe you can stick with working on General Hospital, where your storylines were less ridiculous and your acting was much better.
Annie is pretending to pay attention to SamVid when RevCam enters the room. SamVid say something I don't care about in dual out-of-focus shots. I guess someone messed up and put Annie's Special Vaseline-Coated Lens on the camera instead of the regular lens. RevCam calls Annie out into the hallway. On her way out, Annie kisses Happy and Sam, but not Vid. God, she's such a bad mother.
In the hall, RevCam shows Annie Ruthie and Peter's newspaper, the "Petrowski Camden Times." It includes such headlines as "Washington and Lincoln: the Original Warmongers," "Lincoln's Hemp Pipe," and "Delaware Soldiers Complain: Washington Drank All Our Rum." It's beautifully laid out, although it looks more like a newspaper than a tabloid. Annie skims over the paper and says, "What were they thinking?" Apparently they were thinking that the FCC would disapprove of using the word "marijuana" or one of its nicknames, so they replaced it with "hemp." Unless they mean that Lincoln is some kind of Woody Harrelson-esque advocate of the many uses of hemp.
Mac is trying to beat a hasty retreat from the CamPound, but Asslee's dad is quicker. He's standing behind the back door when Mac opens it. "Come, let's talk," he says, pursing his lips together. When stuff like that happens, I begin to realize why we never actually see Asslee's mother. Martin shakes hands with "Mr. Smith" -- way to create an original last name for your characters, there, Brenda -- and Mac introduces himself. "What are we going to do about this Pam?" Asslee's dad asks, and then puts forth a plan that he believes will appeal to Mac's "ath-a-letic" side. I always thought "athlete" had just two syllables, but Mr. Smith has shown me the light. The lee-ight. The lay-eee-igh-ate. Mac says he's up for any plan that doesn't involve "me going out with Pam," thus earning a grammar lesson from Asslee's dad, who says it should be phrased "my going out with Pam." Nice try, there, Mr. Smith, but I did notice earlier when you said "this must be your friend that Asslee's talked about," when you should have said "this must be your friend whom Asslee's talked about," and also, you should never end a sentence with a preposition, so, pot calling ket-et-till black.
Mac says that if he goes out with Pam, he'll "never survive the locker room." This takes on a whole new meaning when you're watching the show with someone who just started work at a gay and lesbian consumer products company and is currently browsing through their catalogue of porn offerings. Asslee's dad and his annoying voice lecture about how Pam survived being embarrassed for ten years, so Mac should have no problem dealing with the locker room. Then he starts telling Martin how he's his "favorite" of all of Asslee's ex-boyfriends, and practically wets his own pants when Martin calls him "sir." He asks Mac if he has class and moral integrity like Martin. Mac says he doesn't know. Mr. Smith says he thinks that Mac does know, and that he "can change a young woman's life." I wouldn't give Mac that much credit; he can't even brush his own hair.
Kevin and Lucy walk by the pizza place again, and spot Roxanne hugging Det. Michaels! She leaves, and he turns to see Kevin and Lucy standing there gawking at him. At least Lucy has the decency to look ashamed about it.
RevCam and Annie sit Ruthie down to talk to her about her project. She says she thought they would be proud of her for doing something different for her project; RevCam says he can't believe that she would chose to "disparage two great American presidents for a presentation in your school on a day that's been set aside to honor them." Ruthie says a lot of the stuff they wrote "is true," or "could be true," or "might be true." I guess she spent all of her time working on that nice layout instead of doing some actual research, because she should have been able to find plenty of entirely true disparaging things to say about both Washington and Lincoln. Ruthie still thinks her project is good, so Annie starts in on her until the phone rings. "Martin will get it," Annie snaps, and I guess it's good that Martin is doing something to earn his keep. RevCam suggests that Ruthie ask her teacher for an extension, and spend the extra time making a more "balanced" (as in, Fox News Channel's version of "balanced") paper that details all of Lincoln and Washington's many accomplishments. Ruthie counters that there's nothing wrong with saying that two people are human beings who made mistakes like everyone else, to which RevCam says that since they aren't exactly there to defend themselves, there is something wrong with it. I'm pretty sure there's a lesson in there somewhere about not criticizing George W. Bush, but I definitely don't care enough to find it. Nor would I heed it if I did. I'm just really glad that I didn't have to watch the episode where Martin's dad said that the results of the last presidential election weren't important anymore. Martin comes to the door and announces that Lily is on the phone for Annie. The piano kicks into high gear as Annie glares at her husband.
Morning in the CamPound. Annie is clearing the breakfast table, and she's still acting like a total baby and refusing to speak to RevCam. Try not to fly out of your seats in surprise.
In school, Pam walks up to Asslee and is all sad that Mac didn't call her. Asslee says she can fix Pam up with someone better; Pam says it will have to be someone who doesn't know about that one time that she wet her pants. Does anyone else think that Pam looks way too much like tween star Amanda Bynes for it to be a coincidence? She looks more like Amanda Bynes than Asslee looks like her own sister -- unfortunately for Asslee. Pam says she just thought Mac was nice enough to forget that she was Pampers, but she should just forget about having a boyfriend or any friends until college. But life will be a little easier for her now that she knows that she has a friend in Asslee. "I can actually look up from the ground long enough to get my books," Pam says. "How do you do it?" Asslee asks. Oh my god. You guys? Pam is SO courageous. Even more so than that girl a few seasons ago who bore the shame of having minor acne. Mac and Martin walk up to Asslee after Pam leaves. Asslee tells Mac off for not listening to her dad, and walks away. Martin asks Mac why he didn't say anything, and that Mac "better not blow this relationship" for him, because it's tough to get a girlfriend when you're a star baseball player, apparently.
Ruthie and Peter are all smiles as they pass out their newspaper. The teacher takes one look at it and tells the class to throw their papers in the garbage, and for Peter and Ruthie to meet her out in the hall. Once there, she yells at Ruthie and Peter for saying bad things about two presidents on "a holiday set aside to honor them" or whatever. She tells the two that they have failed their assignment and can look forward to a meeting with their parents and the principal. The gravity of getting an "F" is now lost on me, as I now regularly give this show so many Fs that Sars should just call the rating "7th Heaven." ["Done." -- Sars] She tells Ruthie that she never would have expected this from her. "Well, it was Peter's idea!" Ruthie immediately says. Ha! Ruthie is so evil. Eventually, they bargain the teacher down to not having a meeting with the parents or the principal, and they get a second chance to do a "more traditional" project. The teacher says they better do their "very best," as opposed to their "very worst," holding up the tabloid as an example of that. This storyline is absolutely ridiculous. Perhaps if it was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Peter and Ruthie wrote a newspaper about how segregation was totally awesome, that might warrant the kind of reaction the teacher just had, but not this. Having watched Annie for a few years now, I really thought I had become immune to noticing when people overreacted, but I guess not.
Officer Baldy McCrewmember'sSon is back for a triumphant third appearance, along with most of Kevin's co-workers, for a meeting called by Det. Michaels. Det. Michaels comes in and announces that Roxanne was doing her reading program when she met a certain prisoner -- Det. Michaels's brother, who is at the end of his thirty-year sentence for armed robbery. An "honor prisoner" serves thirty years for armed robbery? Damn! He must have robbed a store in, like, Dickensian England to get such a draconian sentence. Det. Michaels says that his brother is the reason he became a police officer, but he's never told anyone about it before. Roxanne looks on, and the extra standing behind her is overacting the hell out of this scene. Every time they cut to Roxanne, you can see the extra putting her hand to her chin or her mouth, looking absolutely distraught over Det. Michael's secret past. It's pretty hilarious. Det. Michaels says that his brother has paid for his mistake and is ready to become a productive member of society, although considering that the poor guy has spent more time in jail than he has in the free world, and that he has only recently learned to read, I'd say that odds are against him here. Det. Michaels says he hopes that this won't affect anyone's opinion of him, and that he will answer any questions anyone has. Then he leaves, so I guess he meant that he would answer any questions anyone had at some point in the future.
Yet again, Kevin tells Roxanne that he's sorry about jumping to conclusions. I guess the writers are trying to make up for all the times when Kevin really should have apologized to Lucy for being an asshole to her, but didn't, by having him over-apologize the hell out of Roxanne. She responds that "with [her] past, [she] completely understand[s]" him thinking that she was screwing her boss. Because her past is that she's a WHORE! Kevin agrees that this is true, but he still should have been a better friend. If agreeing with Roxanne's assertion that she's a slut is Kevin way of being a better friend, I'd say his friendship skills probably still need a little work.
The doorbell rings at the CamPound. Annie answers it to find the Mamas and the Papas singer Michelle Phillips! "Holy crap!" Annie says, "I love 'California Dreamin''!" Actually, she doesn't say anything, just lets her sister apologize over and over again for whatever she did to upset her. Annie finally invites her in. "Let's talk in the kitchen," Annie says, obviously preferring not to stain her living room with her sister's evil presence. "Do you want a cup of tea?" Annie asks, mentally reminding herself not to use the good china. Lily sits, and Annie claims that she doesn't like confrontations, then confronts Lily about stealing a box of photos from her dad's house. Lily way too kindly explains that she didn't steal them by any means -- she asked Ginger's permission to borrow them, and then she returned them soon afterwards. "Oh," says Annie, then apologizes for being such a psycho (note to Annie: although I criticized Kevin for apologizing too much, you probably couldn't apologize enough for your behavior, even if you started now and didn't stop for the three hundred years), and says that she was jealous of Lily for spending one week with her father. Grow up, Annie. "Up," not "out," as you seem to have misinterpreted my request to mean. Annie says that she also felt like the photos were a "window" to her past that she didn't want Lily to look into, and she says that while clenching her fists really overdramatically and making a pained expression, complete with her eyes tightly shut. Oh my god, this show is terrible.
Lily says it's cool that Annie doesn't want her to be a part of her family and she understands, and she's really sorry about the photo misunderstanding. Huh, I guess Lily got all the reasonable genes in that family. Annie attempts to be gracious by saying that although she doesn't like Lily spending time with her father, Lily really should visit him as often as possible. Because, as Annie points out, she has all her memories and photos and stuff, but all Lily has is "a name on a birth certificate," like, way to rub that painful part of Lily's life in, you stupid cow. Annie says that she thought she had come to terms with everything, but she hadn't. Obviously. Lily says that she hopes they don't lose touch with each other again, and Annie can call her anytime. Annie says that, now that her father is dying, she's realizing that she doesn't have any family left, so it would be completely advantageous to her to foster a relationship with her sister, and she'll try. Lily reminds Annie that she actually did lose both of her adopted parents, and it was awful for her, and that was why she wanted to search for her biological parents. Lily has the grace not to add that this search was then encumbered by her newfound half-sister's ridiculous jealousy and generally horrible behavior towards her. Lily says she has to go now -- she's meeting her fiancé at the airport (and by that, I can only assume -- based on this show's history with airports -- that she means she's planning to meet a fiancé there for the first time) for their trip to Hawaii. "Honeymoon?" Annie asks. "Vacation," Lily says. "When are you going to break down and marry that guy?" Annie asks. Lily says things are fine the way they are. "Things could be better!" Annie says. Right, I'm sure Lily is just itching to get herself a husband and be just like her dowdy hag half-sister.
RevCam comes home, surveys the situation in the kitchen, and makes to get right the hell back out again. Before he can escape, Annie runs up and hugs him, then buries her face in his shoulder and cries a lot. Then she tells him to talk to Lily about her "commitment-phobia" because she'd "really like to see her get married," proving that even with the most tenuous of ties to a relation, Annie can still nag and nag at her. For her part, Lily does not say that maybe Annie should just mind her own damn business, because she's classy. Like Martin! And if you think I'm being uncharacteristically nice to Lily in this recap, just remember: if we weren't watching Lily right now, we'd probably have to deal with an episode about Aunt Julie and Uncle Hank. I think you understand now.
Mac sees Pam in the hallway and says he was looking for her. She says he doesn't have to ask her out. He says he feels stupid for not asking her out sooner. She asks him if he'll take her out in public, where people will see them together and stuff. He says he can "take it," and why don't they go out on a "pre-date" to plan where they'll go tomorrow night. "Sure!" Pam says, because she's pathetic. Actually, I hope she does date him, have sex with him, and then tell the whole school that he has a really small penis. And then she'll get revenge on him for making fun of her for ten goddamn years, and people will forget about her little incident. She can even make up a nickname for him about it, like "Mac the Mouse." I don't know, I'm just thinking off the top of my head here. And I don't think that's her plan, anyway.
Nighttime at the CamPound. RevCam says he's glad Annie worked things out with Lily. Annie says she is, too, and now she's really looking forward to their trip to Arizona. "That's good, because I definitely am not," says RevCam. "God, a whole weekend with just my retarded sons, senile father-in-law, and psycho wife for company? Remind me to bring a good, long book. Or seven." Ruthie and Peter come in, and Ruthie tells RevCam that he was right about their tabloid, saying that they were not only "really embarrassed," but also "completely humiliated" by their teacher's reaction to their paper today. Peter recites some lines about the lesson we are supposed to have learned today about "sacrificing honor for a shot at a moment in the spotlight" and blah blah blah freedom of the press is wrong blah blah. Ruthie says that they're doing a new project now, but they'll need help. In the form of RevCam and three other people. Uh oh.
Roxanne and Det. Michaels walk along the Promenade. Hmmm…they seem awfully close…ARE THEY DATING???? Det. Michaels thanks Roxanne for inviting him out to play pool with the other officers. Roxanne says she wouldn't have told anyone about his brother; he says he knows. He wanted to tell people about him for a long time, and he's glad that Roxanne gave him an excuse to do so. Roxanne asks about his promotion. He says that she's the first to know and she's free to tell everyone: he is now Captain Michaels! They walk into the pool hall, only to find a big ol' party waiting for him, with Kevin, Lucy, and Chandler (why?) front and center. Everyone sings "For He's Jolly Good Fellow" and congratulates him on his promotion. Cpt. Michaels tears up and smiles. Aw, that was kind of sweet. I am genuinely happy for Cpt. Michaels. I just wish we knew his first name.
Mac and Pam's pre-date has gone well, and Pam thanks him for "everything." Mac rightly says that he's the one who should be grateful to her, because he made fun of her for ten years and she still gave him a chance. Mac says that tomorrow night, for their first date, they should have dinner at a truly romantic spot -- that's right, the Camden dinner table. "It's a free meal," says Mac, ever the charmer. Asslee and Martin walk up and Asslee lectures that Mac "can't just eat over there anytime (he) want(s)." "Yeah, I can," Mac says. Martin says that Annie invited him. Asslee tries to save face by saying that she'll let Annie know that Pam will be joining them. I'm sure Annie will be thrilled to have to cook dinner for yet another extra person, especially the night before she's leaving for a trip to see her ailing father. No, really. She probably will be.
Peter and Ruthie recite their boring, traditional essays about the lives of Lincoln and Washington. Peter conveniently does not mention that, before he won the presidential election, Lincoln's senatorial bids were totally unsuccessful. Because that would be accurate. I mean, "morally wrong." The camera pulls out to reveal that Ruthie and Peter have brought along some props -- namely, Kevin dressed as Lincoln, Lucy dressed as crazy old Mary Todd Lincoln, Annie as Martha Washington, and, as Washington, RevCam, sporting a wig with a receding hairline that then shows his actual receding hairline. Maybe he thought it would work like a double negative and make his hair look fuller or something. Ruthie and Peter offer everyone a piece of cherry pie, and the students whoop and clap like they're SamVid and haven't been fed in two months. The Fife and Drum of Patriotic Bullshit play as Teacher gives Ruthie and Peter two thumbs up. She doesn't ask them how they managed to assemble four complete costumes and have three cherry pies made in only one day, or how Kevin and RevCam got time off of work and Lucy away from her classes, but that's probably for the best.