It's good to be back. This is very easy for me to say, as I have not yet watched tonight's episode of 7th Heaven. I'm sure I'll be changing my mind as soon as I hear that crap-ass bouncy guitar medley that traditionally opens the show. Before then, I'd like to give props to everyone on the forums who wished me well on my move, Pamie and Stee for putting me up when I was looking for an apartment, my friend A-Hill for taping this episode for me since I don't have cable in my apartment yet, and, most especially, Daniel, for accidentally committing himself to recapping three episodes of the worst show that has ever been put on television. I'm sure he has now learned his lesson about volunteering to substitute for a show that he's never actually seen before. Anti-props go out, of course, to Brenda Hampton, who changed the 7th Heaven schedule around so that the week I thought was a rerun in January actually had a new episode, and then the first week of sweeps was a rerun. Because Brenda Hampton is as talented at programming as she is at writing, apparently.
We open on the same establishing shot of Glenoak's high school that we've been seeing since this show began in 1996. Seriously, I think the kids in it are wearing Cross Colors shirts. Inside, Martin is walking down the hall with a friend of his who has really bad hair. Apparently, the friend asked Asslee to get him a date with one of her friends. Asslee informs him that she doesn't "have that many friends." Well, I just find it incredibly hard to believe that someone with such a fun and vibrant personality as Asslee, who spends all her time hanging out with middle-aged housewives, has a hard time making friends. Asslee says that the few friends she does have are seniors who don't want to date sophomores. The guy with bad hair leaves, and Asslee asks Martin why "Mac" can't find his own date. That's a good question, Asslee, although it's too bad that you didn't follow it up with a refusal to help Mac. Instead, you pathetically agreed to keep asking around for him.
“ I can see where this plot is going, so I'm just going to say it now so I don't have to repeat it several times throughout the rest of the recap: SHUT UP, BRENDA HAMPTON. Ahhh, that felt good. ”
Martin leaves, and Asslee closes her locker to reveal some girl named Pam, who was apparently just standing behind Asslee's open locker door, waiting for Asslee to close it. Weirdo. Pam says she'd like to go out with Mac. Asslee says that's great, and asks for Pam's number so she can give it to him. Now Pam has all sorts of reservations, like what if Mac doesn't want to go out with her and other stuff that she should probably have thought about before she got Asslee involved. Asslee tells Pam that Mac will call her, then asks if her parents are okay with her dating someone they don't know. You know, if they're going to make this show into some kind of weird '50s nostalgia trip, they should really do it right and give the characters period hair and clothes to match their period values and names. That way, I won't have to put up with anymore of Asslee's ugly white shaggy doll hair. Pam leaves Asslee to stare around blankly and wait for the theme song to start up. Oh, Asslee, you didn't get any better at acting since I left, did you? How refreshing. No, that's not the word I'm looking for. Ah, here it is -- "nauseating."
The opening credits still suck and everyone still looks like ass in them.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster is Peter and Ruthie sifting through piles of books. Brenda Hampton's name pops up as the author of this episode, so I'm sure we're all in for a real treat. Ruthie and Peter start bitching about how everyone's President's Day reports are always the same, with people dressed as the presidents, and cherry pies and stovepipe hats and the like. Ruthie wants to do something different, but neither she nor Peter is capable of thinking of anything. Peter bemoans the fact that their project is due tomorrow and they still don't have an idea. He thinks it might have something to do with being paired with Ruthie. What, because they were spending all their project time making out instead of working? Doubtful. Anyway, Peter should just be glad that Ruthie hasn't taken a golf club to their assignment yet, like she did last time they had to work together. Because it's about time to move the storyline along, Peter starts wondering what they would do for their project if Washington or Lincoln were president today, what with how our media criticizes public figures for everything they do wrong, and puts a "bad spin" on everything they do right. I can see where this plot is going, so I'm just going to say it now so I don't have to repeat it several times throughout the rest of the recap: SHUT UP, BRENDA HAMPTON. Ahhh, that felt good.
Ruthie suggests writing a bunch of articles and putting them in "one of those newspapers they sell at the grocery store" for their project. They're called "tabloids," Ruthie, and don't you try to make me feel ashamed of reading them. Special shout-out to my mother, who buys a National Enquirer and a Globe every week at the grocery store, unless they have a cover story about JonBenet Ramsey or Laci Peterson. She used to buy Star, but now refuses to since the editor of US Weekly took it over and made all the pages glossy, filled it with pictures, and took out all the good stories. If my mom wanted to read People, she'd buy a goddamn People, wouldn't she? Ruthie and Peter decide to do the tabloid, then predict that they'll be getting an "A" on this assignment, maybe even an "A+." They're supposed to be excited, I guess, but the actors' joyless faces do little to convince me of this. Ruthie then wonders what they'll do if they can't find enough true bad stuff about Lincoln or Washington. Peter suggests making it up, like "the pros" do.