The WB wants us to know that on an all-new 7th Heaven, we can "catch" Ashley Simpson, who Teen People says will be "big in 2004." I expect millions of people were about to turn their televisions off before hearing that ringing endorsement from Teen People, that noted arbiter of quality. Even the WB voice-over guy can barely suppress the "whatever" in his voice. The only upside I can think of in "catching" the horribly wooden Ashley Simpson ("Jessica's sister," we are reminded) is to see if near-debilitating stupidity is indeed genetic.
Fade up on...
Sorry. Having seen this episode once already, I need to steel myself a little bit more than usual. And by "steel myself," I mean "drink."
Okay. Fade up on the Campound, with Annie in the kitchen cooking. RevCam strolls in and starts nuzzling her, and she snaps that if he wants to "make up for inviting a thousand people over for dinner," he can start by washing the dishes. This says a little bit more than I think we want it to about the Camden marriage; to wit, RevCam's idea of making up for dumping a load of work on his wife is to give her a good rogering. Ick. And despite her snapping at him, he actually shrugs off her suggestion of washing the dishes, and says he had "something else" in mind, like NO SHIT YOU DID, and Annie irritatedly lists all housework and other such servile duties she had to do that day, to suggest that she doesn't feel like doing "something else," and RevCam says, "Got it," and wanders off, saying he's going to see how "things are going" in the back yard. Oh, I see. Sexual urges denied, he won't even wash the dishes for his harried wife. "I know why you're going out there," Annie calls after him, and RevCam doesn't even answer her.
In walks Lucy, who says that the men out in the back yard are "shameful," and that they're just stirring up trouble between Roxanne and Betsy (whoever Betsy is) and "enjoying every minute of it," and Annie can barely look up from the swill she's stirring to say, "Kevin too, huh?" and Lucy says that Kevin says he's only out there to stop a fight if one starts. "What are we going to do with them?" says Annie, in this affectionate, indulgent way, and Lucy's eyes bug out as she calls it "annoying," and all I can say is that anyone is an expert on annoying, it's Lucy. And Annie makes this "hmmmm" face, so Lucy asks her what she's thinking, and Annie throws out some garbage about how a "sexy young designer" and a "hot cop" have nothing over them, since they're the wives and their husbands are their husbands or some ridiculous thing like that, and I hate to tell you, but if this Betsy is as "sexy" as Roxanne is "hot," then you two are in serious trouble, because Roxanne is all kinds of cute. Lucy puts on a brave face and says she's going to be with Kevin every night for the rest of her life, and then undermines herself by saying, "Unless he leaves me for Roxanne or Betsy," which I think was supposed to be funny.
And then Ruthie and Asslee wander in, so you just know we're in for some fine acting. I don't think there's any doubt that Ashley is Jessica's sister; I've never seen someone who looked like they had to concentrate so hard at walking as she does. Once she hits her mark, she asks if there's anything they can do. Annie says she thought they were playing a game or doing something with the twins. Either or, I guess. Ruthie says she has homework. "So what are you doing down here?" Annie asks, and Ruthie waits about five hours to deliver her line, which is that Peter and Martin are playing a game with the twins, which somehow makes it impossible for her to do her homework. Annie doesn't challenge that; she just points out that the twins really wanted to do something with Ruthie ("because you haven't paid attention to them all week [Annie should talk] and they want to be with you [proof of the twins' diminished mental faculties, I'd wager]"), and that she thought Ruthie wanted to have her homework done before Peter came over. "I thought so too. But I didn't," says Ruthie, and I can't even imagine trying to pull shit like this on my mom when I was Ruthie's age. Perhaps Ruthie has gleaned that if her mom is too beaten down by life in the Campound to even wash her hair, she ain't going to be cracking the homework whip. Annie just looks at Asslee, who tells "Miss Camden" not to worry, since her homework is done. Suckup.
And I guess Ruthie didn't mean that Peter and Martin were playing a game with the twins so much as she meant Peter and Martin were playing a game with each other (Battleship) while the twins sit around watching. Martin takes great pleasure in beating the much younger Peter, who waits five hours after the game ends to complain that he's never played before. "So, that's your excuse?" says Martin. One of the twins says he's bored ("bow-ad"), and the other chimes in to say that he is too, so maybe they're smarter than everyone gives them credit for. Having claimed that his inexperience at Battleship was not meant to be an excuse, Peter then takes it up a notch by saying he didn't have a dad around to teach him how to play Battleship, and I can't say I remember my dad ever sitting me down and relaying to me the intricacies of Battleship, and I still managed to win a game or two. And you'd think everyone else would know not to talk about their fathers around Martin, since he goes on to point out that his dad wasn't always around, what with his being a Marine. But he can't even say "he's a Marine," without Peter's finishing the sentence for him, and reminding Martin that he met Martin's father. "You got a problem with my dad?" says Martin, like RELAX. Martin needs to lay off the crack if it's going to make him this paranoid. Peter says -- oh, I forget. It's not important. Something about how his dad could beat up Martin's dad. "In your dreams," says Martin, who strangely forgets to add that his dad is a Marine.
Back downstairs in Woman's Rightful Place, according to Beverly Hampton, Paris wanders in, wondering if Vic and Peter made it over. Annie tells her that her that Peter's upstairs, and Lucy chimes in that Vic's out back with the rest of the guys, and adds, "and Roxanne and Betsy!" in an extra-squeaky voice, which lets us know that whatever's going on out there that has Lucy and Anne so uptight, Lucy blames Roxanne and Betsy, instead of the men, who are let off the hook for their irritating behaviour, because they can't help it. Paris -- who somehow knows exactly what's going on by the way Lucy says this -- decides she'll stay in the kitchen, and Lucy says that's a good idea (no comment) because Chandler's also out there. Oh, Paris is "definitely" staying in the kitchen. This scene goes on too long, because Cecilia and Ruthie and Lucy all have to exchange knowing looks.
You'd be forgiven for thinking that Roxanne and Betsy are naked and making out, but what's really going on is they're arguing about the war in Iraq; Roxanne's against, and Betsy's for. And since we've been led to believe that all the men find this really hot for whatever reason, it might behoove the actors to seem like they're enjoying this, but they look really confused. Vic tosses in that he doesn't understand Iraq, and that he's not sure he wants to, which Roxanne seizes on as a reason why Bush is getting away with everything he's getting away with; people are ignorant and don't know what's going on. I agree with her, if you replace "Bush" with "Bush's puppeteers," that is. Betsy says that if people knew more and read newspapers, they'd understand what happened on September 11, and that "our president is making sure it never happens again," and Betsy's connection of Iraq to September 11 happens to be one of the myths that might be dispelled if more people did read newspapers, or better yet, Paul O'Neill's new book, in which he recounts how Bush, ten days after his inauguration and long before September 11, was looking for an excuse to go into Iraq (but there's no mention of O'Neill's more than 1,200 career RBIs, which I found odd). Not that this little spat is going to get very specific; it's all "How many more will die before we stop?" vs. "How many more will die if we stop?" and while this argument has all the substance of chocolate mousse, I'll give Roxanne and Betsy points because they at least seem to be thinking about it, unlike the men, who are supposed to be the level-headed Sensible Ones, and who aren't expressing any thoughts at all. Chandler, unsurprisingly, says he's hungry, and the rest of the men agree, and Kevin declares an end to the argument and suggests that everyone go inside to eat, but Roxanne and Betsy refuse to eat with each other.
Just then, who should show up, but one of the U.S.'s men in uniform. I guess this must be the oft-mentioned Marine who is Martin's Dad. Betsy's quite happy to see him, as she jumps into his arms. Roxanne's smile and the cascading arpeggios indicate that she's happy to see him as well, and she totally checks him out. Martin's dad tells Betsy (who is his sister, but is hanging off him like they're a little too close) that he just drove up from the base, and wonders if he has time to change before dinner. He's stopped cold by Roxanne, and says he doesn't believe they've met. Roxanne says nothing, and waits for an irritated Betsy to say, "This is Roxanne. She hates war." Boy, that isn't a completely contrived setup line at all. That Marine will sure set the war-hating Roxanne straight, I warrant you! "Don't we all," says the Marine. WHAAAAAAA---? Wow! Brenda Hampton, I'm sold. I hate war too, and therefore I assumed that the fighting men and women of the U.S. armed forces love war. But you're presenting such a nuanced portrait of this Marine, that I'm totally coming around! And nice move casting Costas Mandylor! He was just poured into that uniform!
Opening credits and commercials. I realize it's tough for Planters to make Mr. Peanut seem hip to today's crowd, what with the top hat and monocle and all, but it's going to take slightly more than showing him breakdancing to the Bay City Rollers. Call me crazy.
And how weird that with all of Annie's bitching about having to cook dinner for a thousand people, we don't actually get to see that dinner. Instead, we get this really weird silent procession of everybody getting up from the dinner table and filing into the kitchen to deposit their plates. I mean, in my family there are only five people, and our Sunday dinners were generally rather raucous affairs with all of us talking non-stop, yet here it's like a monastery. Not that that's a bad thing, since the dialogue on this show is always so bad, but I'm just saying it was weird. Especially since no one, and I mean NO ONE, offers to start help cleaning up, despite the fact that the majority of them are guests in the house. If my mom knew that I'd been over to someone's house for dinner and didn't immediately roll up my sleeves after dinner and set to work on the dishes, I'm sure she'd die of embarrassment for having raised the Worst Son Ever, but here Camdens and Non-Camdens alike scatter, except for Annie and RevCam who look at each other and tiptoe back to the dining-room door, where they eavesdrop on Roxanne and Martin's dad, whose name we still don't know, talking about the war, with Roxanne saying the U.S. can't just go around the world policing everybody: "To most of the world, we're the bad guys. People hate us, and this is why they hate us." No, 7th Heaven is why they hate you. This is clear to me now. Roxanne touches on all the hot buttons like, "Only we're allowed nuclear weapons?" and "Only we're allowed chemical weapons?" and even gets into the whole "Bush is only president because of his governor brother" thing. Martin's Dad -- who has the longest hair of any Marine I've ever met -- says, "I couldn't agree less." "What?" says Roxanne. And then he says, "I couldn't agree less, love," and then he kisses her. I swear to God, this is what he does. And then he punctuates all his non-arguments by kissing her, in what has to be one of the stupidest scenes I've ever seen on any television show ever, and keep in mind I recapped Bachelorettes In Alaska: Looking For Love. Martin's Dad touches on his "twenty years' experience in an area [Roxanne] knows nothing about." He sarcastically asks if she thought the U.S. was going to let terrorists rule the world while the U.N. debates how to stop them. And if she doesn't think Saddam Hussein had anything to do with September 11, she's naïve. Hmmm. "Naïve," eh? That's certainly a good point, but I'm not sure Roxanne's convinced. Oh, he's not done. She's "very naïve." And then he kisses her again, because nothing turns a woman on more than having her arguments dismissed with insults. Oh, and that whole rigged-election thing? "At this point, who cares?" he says. Good point, Brenda Hampton -- I mean, "Martin's Dad." Only, the answer is, MANY, MANY PEOPLE. Martin's Dad goes on about how Bush is a good man and a real leader and he didn't enter into the Iraq action lightly (snort) and thank God he decided to "go after" Saddam Hussein, and the majority of Iraqis are quite glad the U.S. is there and blah de blah blah blah. Roxanne and Martin's Dad make out some more. "Am I boring you?" he says, and strangely, she says no, and they make out some more. At this point, even Toby Keith turned off his television in disgust.
Taking this all in are, of course, Annie and RevCam (even Happy was watching the show), and RevCam cracks that the Marine plans to win over America one person at a time, and Annie says she thought he was here to talk to Martin about whether he should play professional baseball or go to college, and how weird that Annie feels she needs to remind RevCam what the Marine needs to talk to Martin about, and RevCam shrugs, "In life, as in war, I guess sometimes plans change." Yeah, so instead of giving his son some guidance on his future, he swaps spit with a stranger after dinner at another stranger's house. Okay. RevCam wouldn't be too quick to judge, because it would get in the way of him and his Holy Penis saying something about passion being "contagious," and Annie says she "couldn't agree more," and RevCam points out that there are people all over the house, and Annie says there's no one in the basement, and I wonder if that means there are people in their BEDROOM, for God's sake, but whatever turns you on, Annie. RevCam says he thought she was tired from all the housework, and she says she's not tired, since he helped her clean up the kitchen, which he DIDN'T DO AT ALL, but if Annie wants to reward her husband for ogling two young women by fucking him in the basement while their guests mill about the house, that's their business, I guess.
Outside, Vic and Paris are talking, Vic casually saying it might be good for him to join the Marines, and then he jumps all over Paris for agreeing with him, what with her talk that it might give him some self-discipline and sense of purpose, and he points out that he got sober, which requires self-discipline. Excuse me? You're a quitter! Anyone can quit! It takes self-discipline to stick with the alcohol when it's ruining your life! Or, if you're drinking while watching 7th Heaven as I do, or while writing the recap, as I do, or while trying to recover from the horror, as I am, then...where was I? I don't know, Vic picks a fight with Paris over her being glad that he got self-discipline and got sober while he was far away from them, or something, and I'm not sure what his point is -- something about Vic's getting a job in Glenoak to be close to Peter, but I don't know if we're even supposed to care...
...because we're now taken to Chandler and Kevin skulking about in the bushes for some reason. Even Kevin doesn't know, and he asks Chandler, and Chandler's all blaming this blatant eavesdropping on Kevin's suggestion that they take the garbage cans out to the street, which might be a little more believable if they, you know, HAD GARBAGE CANS. And Chandler says he thought Kevin was using code for "let's get out of the house and have a drink," and Kevin's all, "why do you think you need a drink?" And Chandler's resorting to drinking because of Roxanne's fight with the Marine at dinner, which couldn't have been all that traumatizing, since Roxanne's been making doe eyes at the Marine ever since he showed up. And then Chandler suggested a "shortcut around the house," since he thought it would get them to a drink faster, WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS. Kevin points out that Chandler doesn't drink, "except for the occasional beer at the pool hall," which I hate to tell Kevin means that Chandler does in fact drink, and Chandler says that Vic makes him want a drink, and Kevin says that, if anything, Vic should make him not want to drink since he's a recovering alcoholic. "A recovering alcoholic who's with the woman I love!" says Chandler; he then asks Kevin if he thinks Paris will go back with him, and Kevin says he thinks they have a beer in the fridge. "Forget it, I don't need it. Alcohol's not the answer to anything," he says. I swear he says that. I know you think I'm paraphrasing and that we're supposed to be subtly reminded that people shouldn't turn to alcohol to solve their problems, but I swear to god he just said, "Alcohol's not the answer to anything." Public service announcement delivered, Kevin and Chandler scurry off to go have sex in the basement, which is the answer, such as I understand this show. Oh, but before they go? Chandler asks Kevin what Paris sees in Vic. "He's Peter's father," says Kevin, as if that's self-evident. Not, "He's funny." Not, "He's a nice guy." Not, "She's impressed that he's cleaned himself up." No. He's Peter's father. And therefore, she must stay with him, even if he's an obnoxious alcoholic.
Betsy's pacing back and forth as Martin watches, and I have to say that I wouldn't be surprised if Martin were feeling rather conflicted over confusing feelings for his aunt, what with her being about his age and in a really really short skirt. Perhaps he's dealing with those feelings by snapping at her, as he does here, to stop pacing since she's making him nervous. And she bitches at him that she can't stand still while that "peacenik" is in there with her brother, and she's outraged that Roxanne would "attack" a Marine on leave of duty from a war, and the way I remember it, Betsy set the fire by immediately telling the Marine that Roxanne "hates war," so maybe she should cram it sideways, and Martin says he bets his dad is giving her a piece of his mind right now, and I hate to tell the poor kid exactly what Roxanne and the Marine are giving each other right now. And then, says Martin, the Marine will probably come out here and give them a piece of his mind as well. Then Martin says that his dad has been home three days and hasn't said a word about Martin's college/pro ball dilemma. Okay, what? Did the Marine not say, when he arrived right before dinner, that he just drove in from the base, which was why he hadn't had time to change his uniform? Am I crazy? (Answer: now more than ever.) Betsy wants to know why the Marine would mad at her, since she thinks Martin should go to college. "Are you attacking everyone tonight?" spits Martin. Wanting to see your nephew go to college equals attacking him. Good to know. Betsy wants to know whom she's been attacking, and Martin -- along with everyone watching -- just makes this "Duh!" face, and Betsy spazzes some more about the "hippie cop" (yeah, watch out for those "hippie" cops), and draws an absolutely LUDICROUS parallel between shooting bad guys within the U.S. and shooting bad guys in other countries. "Since when do you have a problem with my not going to college?" Martin wants to know. "Since always," says Betsy, who adds that she told RevCam. "Didn't he tell you?" she says. Martin says no. No, I guess not. But hey, in life, as in war, I guess sometimes plans change. RevCam was probably going to mention it, but then he decided he'd rather bend Annie over the washing machine in the basement.
Martin stomps off, where he meets Cecilia concentrating very hard on walking down the stairs until she hits her mark and asks Martin what's wrong, and he says he just found out that his aunt wants him to go to college instead of playing professional baseball, and that she told RevCam so. Cecilia just smiles. "You think I should go to college?" Martin says. Cecilia just smiles. "What is this, an ambush?" Martin asks, seemingly unaware that he's the one who keeps it bringing up the subject with the people supposedly "ambushing" him. He says he's going to talk to RevCam, which for some reason makes Cecilia kiss him and say, "You probably should." Might I suggest that he wait a moment before seeking out RevCam? Because if he ventures into the basement, he'll witness something a hell of a lot more traumatic than anything he saw in Road to Perdition. Thankfully, he goes upstairs, and sits at the top. This is where Peter comes in and apologizes for what he said about his dad beating up Martin's dad; he only said it because he wants to be proud of his dad. Vic, naturally, is at the bottom of the stairs listening to this, and he looks dejected and heads outside. You're telling me with all the eavesdropping that goes on in this house of the half-whispered conversations, no one overhears RevCam curling Annie's toes in the basement?
There's a chocolate cake on a coffeetable, but Chandler is nowhere to be found. Lucy and Cecilia are sitting there, so the screen fairly crackles with energy. The phone rings, and we do one of those annoying split-screen things that no other television show even bothers with anymore. It's Kevin, saying he'd hoped Lucy would answer the phone. Lucy doesn't even recognize her own husband's voice. "Who is this?" she says, and after we pointlessly have him tell her it's Kevin, we go through this whole thing where he's calling her from their apartment and suggestively saying that she should come home so that they can have some dessert. It takes Lucy WAY too long to figure out what he's driving at, and when she finally does, she says, "What about everyone else?" and he says, "Let them eat cake," which passes for wit. The fact that you know Brenda Hampton was immensely proud of that line makes it all the worse. So Lucy hangs up and tells Cecilia that Kevin needs her at home. "Something about a smoke detector," she says, all the while making that annoying how-obvious-is-it- that-I'm-lying face that you only see on television and suggests that Lucy thinks Tori Spelling is a fine, fine actress. Cecilia doesn't even say anything, and I'm really starting to wonder about the ability of Jessica's sister even to remember any lines.
Outside on the porch, Chandler jokingly (?) reminds Paris that he just inherited millions of dollars, "not that that matters," which makes me wonder why he even brought it up, and she points out that she likes him with or without the money, and he's disheartened by her use of the platonic verb "to like," and she blathers on about what a confusing time this has been for her and thanks him for being so generous to Vic (from what we've seen, he badmouths Vic behind his back, but "generosity," let's go with it, okay) and so nice to Peter and to her, and I thought they had this conversation two episodes ago already. It doesn't matter, because they're only out here so that Lucy can be "funny" some more and act really weird as she tells them that she has to go get something, like she needs an excuse to go to her own apartment. Whatever.
At the top of the stairs, Peter and Martin are joined by (oh god, no) Ruthie, who asks if anyone called "for dessert" yet, and they say no, and she asks if they "made up" yet, so I guess that good-natured game of Battleship had nastier consequences than it appeared, and when they say they have indeed made up, Ruthie wants to know why they look so disturbed, and Martin says, "It's because you can't keep yourself from looking at people off camera," or maybe he says it's his dad's last night here and they still have a lot to talk about, and there's that weird timeline again, where it seemed like the Marine just arrived that day, but he's been home three days. And Ruthie suggests that Martin go talk to him, which is a surprising amount of sense for Ruthie to make, and then she goes back upstairs because she left SamVid alone, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if those two didn't fall in the toilet and drown by this time. She drags Peter upstairs with her.
I have to say that Happy, even though he's a dog, is rather unconvincing as himself. He's still watching Roxanne and the Marine provide vessels for Brenda Hampton's revisionist history, in which the Vietnam war was lost because of people back home who didn't support the war. And guess what, Roxanne? The Marine really doesn't want to lose the war on terrorism, because then the terrorists are going to come for Roxanne and "all the others who against the war." The terrorists are going to leave the soldiers alone, you see. Even by the Marine's weird logic, that makes no sense, since he just said that the anti-war protestors are what caused the U.S. to lose the war in Vietnam. Anyway, they make out some more, and Martin comes in and says, "Stop. Stop it" with all the force of a wet paper towel, and walks away. The Marine follows him and we fade, blessedly, to black, while Roxanne realizes that if she's going to continue to argue against the war, she's going to need her diaphragm.
This has to be the least believable fight between a father and a son ever. I can't get over the way this show fades up too soon on its actors, so we actually get to see them standing there waiting for the "action!" call. And they say things like, "Do you even remember who I am? I'm your son!" and they wait too long to deliver their lines and it's just -- I'd honest to god rather watch junior-high drama productions, since they couldn't do any worse. One of the things that I find especially weird about this whole sorry show is that Brenda Hampton is obviously a flag-waving, love-it-or-leave-it type of person and wanted to write a show that demonstrates how much she supports the soldiers and how much she hates people who question authority (without at all realizing that the country she loves so much was founded by people who refused to follow the leader blindly), yet she makes the Marine an unlikable ass. I mean, the guy can't even bother to talk to his son, preferring instead to shove his tongue down some strange woman's throat, and when the son understandably gets a little upset (although not believably upset, acting-wise), he jumps down his son's throat and tries to make him feel guilty about how he came halfway around the world to see him. And when Martin -- who's mainly upset because his dad is kissing a woman who's against the war in Iraq -- says, "How can you kiss her?" the Marine actually says, "How can I not kiss her? I've been in the desert for nine months, surrounded by guys, being shot at. I'm a Marine, I'm a man. She's a woman." Lessons learned in that line: men aren't responsible for their actions; there are no women in the armed forces; soldiers (who are all men) deserve a little nookie from the women when they come back home. Martin also admits that he's never seen his dad kiss another woman before, but the way his dad is acting, I'm a little surprised that Martin hasn't seen his dad kiss every woman he meets. Anyway, the Marine finally seems chastened by this.
Ruthie and Peter are doing math, with Peter refusing to give Ruthie the answers. Maybe math has changed a little bit since I was in school, but can't recall ever doing math without a pencil in my hand. Ruthie's doing math simply by reading a textbook, it seems. Paris comes to collect Peter, who points out that they haven't had dessert yet, and wonders where his dad is, and where RevCam and Annie have disappeared to, and what those grunting noises coming from the basement are. No matter. On the way out, they have yet another of those who's-the-child-here wise-beyond-his-years conversations that end with Paris thanking her little angel Peter. And when they walk out the door, they say good night, and Cecilia says "'Night!" which was a line she managed not to forget, I guess, although maybe she forgot the "Good-" at the beginning of it. Roxanne's leaving too, but not before Cecilia buttonholes her to find out where Martin and the Marine are, and wonders what all the yelling was about, and it's really interesting that Cecilia heard Martin and the Marine yelling and yet still was unable to locate them, and Roxanne says that Martin saw Roxanne kissing his dad. She doesn't know what the big deal is (she can't even hazard a guess?), but she's going to let the two of them work it out.
Roxanne has to get through Betsy first, though, but she launches a pre-emptive strike by saying that the Marine said pretty much everything she wanted to hear about the war in a way that she could "totally" hear it, whatever that means. And she adds that she "totally" gets their point of view now (although she doesn't necessarily agree, which certainly surprises me). "Let's just say I learned a lot," Roxanne concludes. Betsy's all, "Learn this, bitch." "You aren't my brother's type, so back off." "Yeah, okay," says Roxanne, rather pleasantly, and then just as pleasantly asks if the Marine is seeing anybody. "In Iraq?" says Betsy, in a really no-duh type of voice. "Probably not." Hey, Brenda? Yeah, that line really works only if there are no women in the armed forces. And if there's no possibility that the Marine hooked up with an Iraqi woman, since it's common for servicemen to meet civilians while overseas. But you're not sexist and racist, are you? Never mind. Betsy asks if Roxanne is seeing anyone, and Roxanne can't just say "no" or "none of your business"; she has to explain the whole Chandler situation, and it makes Betsy laugh that Chandler wanted to marry Roxanne, since Chandler is currently in love with Paris. "Paris is in love with Vic," says Roxanne, which hardly seems true, but Betsy says it's good to know, and we zoom in so that Betsy can make a Scheming Face.
Vic's at the twenty-four-hour Marine Recruitment Office that must be awfully close by the Camden household. Anyway, he gets told he's too old to enlist for any of the branches of the U.S. Armed Forces, and then tries to lie about his age. Then he lays out way too much personal information to the recruiting officer, about Paris, Peter, and his own alcoholism, and is told, "Maybe there's another group you could join -- something with no age limit." Vic just looks at the Wise Marine Recruitment Officer.
Having finished servicing the missus, RevCam is getting something out of the fridge when the Marine walks in, and RevCam asks if everything is okay, since they heard shouting. The Marine probably could have asked the same thing of RevCam, now, couldn't he? RevCam wants to know if there's anything he can do, a question he didn't even ask his own damn wife (whom he can't even be bothered to spend time with after having got what he wanted). And the Marine blathers on about what a complete shock it was when his wife died, which he says was "four or five" years ago, and maybe HE MIGHT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHEN HIS WIFE DIED, especially since, as he says, he was in love with her the day he met her. He admits that he and Martin never talked much about it, since he figured there really wasn't anything they could do but move on. "Not that I moved on right away," he adds. Really? Even though you're a Marine? And a man? Huh. Somewhere along the way, we learn that the Marine married Martin's mom when she got pregnant, and the Marine manages to say he "enjoys the company of women," and this guy has a real Tom Cruise "protest too much" air about him, doesn't he? ["Hey! You're not supposed to ask, nor he to tell, as I understand things." -- Wing Chun] Cecilia comes in carrying the tray with the untouched chocolate cake, and since the director probably told her to appear a little anxious because of the tension between Martin and his dad, she appears absolutely terrified as she asks if everything's okay, and RevCam asks her where Martin might have run off to after fighting with his dad, and Cecilia says he's probably on the bleachers at the school baseball field. She says her goodbyes, and hugs Martin's dad and says it's been nice hanging around him the last couple of days and says she admires him and thanks him for doing what he does, in another paragraph of Brenda Hampton's star-spangled love letter overseas. "My son's got good taste," he says, like, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, SOLDIER.
We get another scene in which SamVid get lines (very, very slow lines) and Ruthie ignores them to do math homework without a pencil and paper. I begin to contemplate the possibility that there is a higher being (I mean, higher than Sars) who hates me very, very much. ["There is no being higher than Sars, dude." -- Wing Chun]
That possibility is confirmed when Annie -- purring after getting banged in the basement -- strolls into the kitchen, moments before Lucy comes in -- smiling after getting tickled in the treehouse. I guess they recognize each other's afterglow, and they share a mother-daughter moment, even going so far as to clink their plates of chocolate cake together, rather pleased with themselves for fucking their husbands, which is what they're required to do to keep their husbands from considering leaving them for younger, prettier women. Good god. How any viewer could eat chocolate cake after watching these two giggling and smiling like this is beyond me.
"My name is Vic, and I am an alcoholic." Vic, wait. Let me get my coat. After this show, I'll be joining you. Commercials.
Martin's staring out at the school baseball field, which is perhaps the only baseball field in the world that doesn't turn its lights out at night when nobody is playing. And instead of talking to him, the Marine (would you fucking TELL US HIS NAME?) is in the minivan talking to RevCam, saying that there's a lot of pressure on this conversation, since each talk he has with his son could be his last. God bless you, sir. Now get over yourself, and go talk to your damn son already, or you're going to have listen to a halting lecture from RevCam about not living our lives based on "what if" but on "what is" because we'll live in a constant state of fear, which is interesting, since I think the Bush administration is counting on a constant state of fear for the American people to get himself re-elected, but let's not go there, shall we, and the lecture continues about how Martin and the Marine are both safe right now and they have time to talk and blah blah blah. It goes ON and ON. "You'll get through this," says RevCam, speaking to all of us. I have my doubts.
Chandler strolls up on the porch, where he finds a smiling Betsy, who's rather pretty when she's not angrily spewing Brenda Hampton's propaganda, and who makes a joke that all his old girlfriends have left for the evening. He says he forgot his coat, and she says she knows and was hoping he'd come back for it. Then she tells him that Roxanne "isn't worth it," and that Paris has too many issues and baggage, and too much, well, Vic. "You're far too rich and handsome and smart to be depressed about anything," Betsy concludes. Chandler, for some reason, seems charmed by this. Despite her cuteness, Betsy's exhibiting all the traits that would make any sensible guy run screaming, so Chandler sits down to her, and she suggests that he come visit her in New York. "My crowd could use some preaching," she says, and I hope that's not a euphemism or anything. She asks if he's feeling better, and he says he is, and then she tells him to tell her all about himself.
In the treehouse, Kevin and Lucy cuddle while he tells her how much he enjoyed her flirting with him at dinner, which is why he called her home for "dessert," and he wishes she did that every night. She admits that she was jealous of the attention he was paying to Roxanne, which he says was only because he was worried she was going to pummel Betsy, and the whole thing devolves into Kevin's saying how lucky he is to be married to Lucy, and it's rather sad that Lucy has to flirt with him and respond to his demand for sex for him to say that he's lucky. He says it's because the whole Chandler/Paris/Vic thing made him appreciate how lucky he is, but that's almost as bad, isn't it?
Ruthie/Peter split-screen telephone conversation nonsense. Peter says he's happy. It's good that he says it, because you'd never know it from his blank, never-changing expression. Why is he happy? Because his dad is at home (news to us), and Vic and Paris don't seem mad at each other anymore. So he decided to celebrate by calling Ruthie and speaking in his patented flat monotone to her. Ruthie hangs up and makes a now-back-to-work face.
Anyway, Vic and Paris do seem to be getting along famously in the kitchen, even if he won't tell her where he went earlier that evening. He says he went out to think about what he could do to make his ex-wife and son proud of him. Peter has come in for this last bit, and says he is proud of Vic, which Vic knows is bogus. Anyway, the phone rings, but Paris, who'd rather listen to Vic prattle on about himself, tells them to let the machine pick up. It's Roxanne, who wants to talk to Paris because she thinks she did something stupid -- namely, falling in love with a guy leaving for Iraq tomorrow. And the reason she called Paris is because she accidentally told Betsy that Chandler's still in love with her -- and at that point, Peter starts hammering on the machine to make it stop. Vic looks at her and asks, "You and Chandler?" Paris says they're just friends. Vic ain't havin' it, and says he'd better be going, but not before complaining that he thought everything was going right in his life, for once. Peter -- who has forgotten all about how much he wanted Chandler to be his dad -- says that Paris should go after him, but Paris just says she thinks he'll work things out for himself.
RevCam. Sleeping in a mini-van. Blissful unconsciousness, how I wish thee were mine. The Marine and Martin are now finally talking. Or at least they're both moodily staring at the baseball diamond. Martin apologizes, and his dad says he wasn't expecting an apology -- just that he couldn't think of what to say. The Marine says he isn't sorry he kissed Roxanne, but that he does feel "badly [sic]" that Martin thinks the Marine betrayed Martin's mother. He says he felt the same way the first time he kissed a woman after his wife died, but what was he supposed to do? "Never kiss a woman again for the rest of my life?" Well, since he's a Marine and a man, that clearly isn't an option. Martin talks about his dead mom some more, and says, "I didn't want her to die." The Marine -- whose name perhaps is Mr. Sensitivity -- says, "I don't think she had a choice." Anyway, more blah blah, and they're both proud of each other. Martin asks if his dad wants him to call Roxanne and apologize for yelling at her. "Why would you do that?" asks the Marine. Yeah, why would he apologize? Martin says he'd apologize in case the Marine wants to make out with Roxanne the time he's on leave. "Would you mind?" says the Marine. Great. Don't apologize to her because you were rude to her; apologize to her so she can provide your dad with the sex he deserves when he's home time. Commercials.
Four blades. Four blades! I never thought I'd live to see the day. My grandkids will be shaving with twelve blades.
Back at the CamPound, Martin hands the phone over so that we can get yet another stupid split-screen while the Marine tells Roxanne how much he respects her and loves that she's a cop, and opinionated. She asks if she'll ever hear from again, and he says she will: "I'll be in touch," he says. How romantic! Betsy flounces in, saying she's been waiting for them, but because of the lipstick smeared all over her face, the Marine dryly notes that that's not all she's been doing. She squeals that she was just "restoring some of Chandler's dignity." I certainly hope he remembered to zip up. She wants to know if the two of them talked: "Is it baseball or college?" The Marine gives a little speech about how Martin makes good decisions, so as long as he doesn't close the door on going to college altogether, playing pro ball is okay with him. "Really?" "Absolutely." "Thanks." They shake hands, like, the Marine is already closer to Roxanne than he is to his own son.
Vic's back at the same AA meeting. I guess the second time you get up to speak, you get to stand at a podium that wasn't there before.
Ruthie's room. Thank god she's finally at least picked up a pencil to complete the illusion that she's working on math. RevCam wanders in, gets his offer of help with the algebra rebuffed, and offers to "wake up" Ruthie's mother so she can help, like, between the cooking and the chocolate and the cock, Annie must be quite tuckered out. They talk a bit about Martin's dad going back to Iraq. "I feel for him," says Ruthie, who wonders what she can do -- what any of them can do. "We can take a good look in the mirror, and when we all see peace, we'll have peace on earth." In other words, NOTHING. Do nothing, and wait for peace, says the Reverend. Only the madness is not quite over. First we need a bad '80s-sounding song with someone yelling, "Give us peeeaaaace, in our time..." while the Camdens and hangers-on look in the mirror. Kevin gets dressed while Lucy brushes her hair. Ruthie puts her textbook away and of course stares at herself. Annie and the RevCam smile while watching SamVid brush their teeth and drool all over the place, I'm not kidding. Roxanne puts on her lipstick and then spends about an hour smiling at herself. Chandler adjusts his tie for an equally long time. Cecilia -- actually looking off-camera for her cue -- tucks her hair behind her ears. Peter checks his hair, and his mom comes in and hugs him and they both smile. Vic shaves, and then smiles at himself.
Then, in a car's passenger side window, we see Betsy and Martin, looking sad. The Marine looks at them for a second, and then into the rearview mirror of the taxi to adjust his tie and grin during this sad occasion. It is supposed to be sad, yes? Yes, here we go. The cab pulls away and he looks back and doesn't wave, or smile, or anything.