Special shout-out to Tommy Jo, who so kindly sent me a copy of this episode after I missed it, "accidentally." Thanks, Tommy Jo. Now I can never say that I've never posted on the internet my desire to have an episode of 7th Heaven actually mailed to me. You just know it's going to come up, too.
RevCam and Annie are actually giving Martin a tour of the house that he's already spent so much time in, and when he points out that he's seen, for instance, the kitchen before, Annie says something inane about how now it's his kitchen, and for some reason, she feels the need to remind him that it's only until his aunt comes back from New York or his dad comes back from Iraq. She also says that if there's any food he wants, she'll get it from him. He says, "I'll eat anything," which I'm sure Cecilia appreciates. He gets mildly snarky about their pointing out where the dining room and such are, and he admits he doesn't know why there's only one bathroom in a house this big, and RevCam and Annie tell him that there are in fact three bathrooms, and he admits that he did not know that, and all I can say is that the frigging A-plot for this episode better not be "Martin learns the CamPound has three bathrooms," because the despair that was the result of my first exposure to 7th Heaven has by now melted into white-hot rage. Martin says something nice along the lines of how Annie and RevCam don't have to make him feel at home, because they've been doing that since the day they met him. But I've got baseball practice in an hour, so can you show me where I can unpack my shit? Oh, and it's cool if Cecilia stays over, right?
So they trudge upstairs as the clock slowly ticks away towards the eventual end of this episode. Upstairs, they encounter Ruthie, which is not unlike suddenly encountering Gollum, and she welcomes Martin to "Casa Camden," and wants to know if she's supposed to treat Martin like a brother or a boarder, and Martin wants to know what the difference is, and...oh, fuck this. I mean, really. It's supposed to be kind of cute and funny, but it just leaves me feeling vaguely unsettled, which always happens when Ruthie's on screen. Anyway, Martin's all, "I can take it from here. And don't touch my stuff!" and wanders off to check out his cell...I mean, "room," and Annie and RevCam (especially Annie) start to fret over taking Martin, this well-behaved likable youngster, into their homes. Maybe they saw the promos before the show that called Martin a "rebellious teenager" with the clips of him telling off RevCam.
Seeeeeventh Heaven! When I see their happy faces smiling back at me.... You know those Bud Light commercials with that hilariously overwrought guy singing songs to guys who wear too much cologne and really bad toupees? Is that who sang the song on the opening credits? Sounds like his work.
Baseball practice. Sweet! A montage! That'll eat up some time. Martin appears to have actually played baseball before, which was nice to see. Nothing's worse than actors whose characters are supposedly athletes when it's obvious they've never picked up a basketball in their child-actor lives. This baseball-practice interlude goes on long enough that normally I'd be saying, "Okay, we get it," but I'm grateful for the relief from the "acting" and "dialogue" and "people" on this show. And it made me temporarily forget that Opening Day is still almost two months away (of course, each day that passes is another day closer to the day the Expos leave Montreal, which I am not looking forward to. Fortunately, I've made the bold move of declaring my allegiance by way of an Expos licence plate attached to my front bumper. Just a little thing that tells people...well, that I cheer for the Expos, I guess). So the coach orders a water break, and then he wanders over to talk to some suit through the fence. The players wonder whom he's talking to, speculating that it's the coach of an opposing team (rejected because it's too early in the season for coaches to be checking out the other teams), and finally they decide it's a scout, and assume that the scout must be checking out one of the seniors. Yeah, probably, after the extended "Martin as Derek Jeter" montage we just saw, and the extended "Martin gazes in the scout's direction" scene we're getting now. You know, if Martin is good enough to attract a scout's attention, you'd think his teammates would know he's good and not assume the scout is there for a senior, wouldn't you?
Peter's waiting for Ruthie in the CamPound yard. "I was waiting for you," he tells her for some reason, since it's rather obvious he's waiting (and let it be known he delivers his line only after she hits her mark, so she walks in the front yard and they stare at each other for a few moments before he speaks). And in case Peter's having trouble unraveling the mystery of just why Ruthie has Happy on a leash, she tells him she was walking Happy. Thanks for that! He says, "We're invited," only Ruthie has no idea where to, and he has to tell her that it's to "Suzanne Rogers's" party, which is a "couples'" party, like what are they, seven years old? year, they go to a key party! And Peter's incredulous that Ruthie doesn't know what he's talking about, and then she says she was just fooling and of course she wants to go, since Suzanne Rogers's parties are "legendary," like, I don't know what goes on at these parties, but when I was their age, the wildest thing that I remember happening at a party was getting to see Brandy McGee's bra strap, which was...well, if I'm being honest, pretty frickin' amazing. So Peter says he told his mom that they had Annie's permission to go to the party, so she gave the OK -- Peter's logic is that this won't be a lie once Annie gives the OK. Ruthie thinks that might be a problem, since her parents don't know Suzanne or Suzanne's parents. "So what?" says Peter, rather harshly. I mean, he felt the need to lie to his mom, so you'd think he might understand why Ruthie's parents might be even tougher. Peter laughingly asks Ruthie if maybe her parents might bend the rules just this once. Ruthie's all nuh-uh. But don't worry, she says, they're going to this party: "We're just going to need a little help." Peter just looks at Ruthie, no doubt as intrigued as I am to find out what hare-brained scheme Ruthie might be cooking up.
In the kitchen, RevCam and Annie are cleaning or whatever, talking about Martin settling in. Annie's really weirdly nervous about the whole deal, since she doesn't know how to treat Martin; things are different now that he's living under their roof. "He's a child, but not our child," she says, and wonders if she's allowed to get on his case to do chores, homework, that sort of thing. RevCam says -- and it's really annoying to agree with the RevCam -- that Annie's making too big a deal of this, and that Martin's not going to cause any trouble. "You can't be that naïve," says Annie. She adds that Martin's a kid, and that causing trouble is a kid's "job," like, NICE ATTITUDE. RevCam says that they should just go on treating Martin the way they have been, and that if a "parenting situation" comes up that requires some intervention (like say, within the forty-five minutes or so), they'll take things on a case-by-case basis. "Let's not borrow trouble," he says, whatever that means. Then Annie says, "We're not borrowing trouble; trouble is coming. Whether you want to believe it or not," like all of a sudden this is Something Wicked This Way Comes.
Over in the treehouse, Kevin is holding up a sheaf of receipts and irritatedly asking Lucy if she entered them in the chequebook. "Oops!" she says, and I guess she's going for cute, but it's not working. And he crabbily points out that "oops" won't cut it when one of them bounces a cheque, and she says she thought they have enough money in the account to cover any bounced cheques, and since by definition you bounce a cheque when you don't have enough money in the account, that has to be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard out of the mouth of any adult, and he lectures like you would a child (but considering what she just said, maybe it's warranted). So she takes the chequebook because she has a few other entries she forgot to make, and she kisses him on the cheek, which he says won't work on the bank. "Are you sure about that?" she says, and thankfully their "flirting" is interrupted by Ruthie's clomping up the stairs, like THANKS FOR INVITING YOURSELF, and Ruthie is halfway into the apartment and flopping all over the table before she even bothers to ask if she's interrupting anything. When Kevin says she isn't, the little hellspawn actually ROLLS HER EYES before coming over to ask for Lucy's help in getting her to the party of Unknown Parentage, and she takes a really really really really long time explaining why it's so important that she go to this stupid party. Lucy says she'll talk to Annie, and she's sure they'll be able to work something out. Ruthie thanks her and leaves, so Kevin decides it's time for another little lecture, and says it sounds like Lucy herself just gave Ruthie permission to go to the party. Lucy doesn't think so, but that she's confident she'll be able to convince Annie, and that her parents will probably call the Rogers parents or drop Ruthie off at the party. "I wouldn't get in the middle of it," says Kevin, and how interesting that he's lecturing Lucy on butting in, but to do it he has to butt in himself. Hmmm. "But what I do know, I'm the idiot who thinks you should balance the chequebook." SHUT UP, KEVIN! GOD!
So Cecilia is bringing Sam and David, the Wonder Twins, into the kitchen, and Annie's all, "Where've you been? You've been gone for hours!" and the twins say, "It's a surprise! For you!" but Annie has to make them not actually spill the beans as to what this stupid surprise is, and maybe she might want to ask Cecilia about keeping the twins out for hours without Annie's having any idea where they are. Nope, she just invites Cecilia to supper. Makes sense, I guess. Cecilia deserves some kind of reward for taking the twins out of Annie's hair for the day.
The doorbell rings, and RevCam opens it to find Chandler there, scratching his forehead because he's deep in thought, like, whatever is bugging Chandler is so absorbing that he rings the doorbell and then goes back to scratching his forehead. And Chandler explains that his dad made him the executor of his estate, and it's Chandler's theory that his dad did this because he hated Chandler, and RevCam is sure that can't be true. Chandler: "He put me in charge as a way of saying, 'Ha! I may be dead, but I can still make you miserable!'" So refuse to do it, suggests RevCam, and how nice of the RevCam to suggest that Chandler shirk his dead father's last wishes, and Chandler rejects this since he's too "responsible" or some such, and RevCam can barely hide his irritation as he asks if there's anything he can do, and when Chandler says there isn't, RevCam says, "Then why are you here?" and I feel so sorry for the churchgoers saddled with these two vicious, petty ministers running the show, and RevCam, no dummy, invites Chandler to stay for dinner, which of course Chandler accepts. As Chandler walks past him, RevCam actually seems to glare at him, like, you can totally tell how much Stephen Collins hates still being on this show.
Back at the school, Martin shows up in his coach's office, and Coach says, "The assistant coach said you were still here," like maybe Coach doesn't know the name of this assistant coach, such is the level of writing on this show, and Martin says that he ran "an extra five miles" and then hit the weight room, and Coach smiles this of-course-you-did- you're-my-dedicated- star-player smile, and then introduces the guy who's been in the office all along but who Martin managed not to see, and it's the stranger from practice, who turns out to be a scout for the (phoney baloney) "Miami Gators." Martin says they're "a great team" that almost went to the Series last year. The scout says, "Would you like to play for them? Would you like to be a Gator? Martin?" and I guess Martin's supposed to be speechless and that's why the scout kept asking him questions, only the scout didn't even give Martin any time to answer any of his damn questions anyway, like, not even any of the bit players on this show know how to act, and Martin says something about its being his dream to play pro ball, in the continuing tradition of 7th Heaven actors having to explain what emotion they're feeling, since they are unable to express it through their acting. Commercials.
The day, Martin comes bounding down the stairs into the kitchen with such enthusiasm that RevCam wryly remarks that he doesn't need to ask if Martin slept well last night. Annie, however, will ask why he missed dinner and got in so late the night before, and Martin says he was with his coach, and reminds Annie that he told her that last night, which makes Annie's question really weird, like maybe she was drunk and therefore doesn't remember, and it's not like the audience needs to be told where Martin was, since we saw it, so I don't know why the writer felt the need to...oh, never mind. Let's just move on. Martin can't contain his good news, even though he wanted his dad to be the first to know but "hasn't emailed [Martin] back" yet, so here goes: "The Miami Gators want me to play for them." "Wow. The Miami Gators are a professional baseball team," says RevCam, like perhaps Martin doesn't know, and Annie and RevCam totally rain all over Martin's parade by telling him that sixteen-year-olds don't play professional baseball, and Martin explains to them how the whole farm system works and that he'll play for the farm team until he's eighteen (or seventeen if they petition the commissioner and he's good enough on the farm team), like, yeah, Martin's potentially good enough to play in the majors year but not so good that his teammates even considered the scout was there for him, I'll buy that, and Martin's got the whole thing planned out, getting his GED through tutors while he's in the minors, etc. Annie and RevCam look like they're passing kidney stones, even when Martin says "I'm so happy" with all the energy of a dead car battery. "But you're only sixteen," says RevCam again, and Martin is all "I know, but then I'll be seventeen and eighteen" and so forth.
"So what are you gonna do?" and Martin's all, "Que?" and Annie, suddenly the shrewd agent, says, "This is what they're offering you, but what are you going to do?" and Martin says, "I'm going to play ball!" and RevCam says, "What about school?" and Martin reminds them of the team's paying for his tutors, and RevCam brings up the college thing, and says that if the scouts want him now, they'll still want him once college is done, and I hate to tell RevCam that that ain't necessarily true, but what is true is that if Martin plays pro ball for a while, college will still be there. Having said that, Martin could still go to college (they do have college baseball, you know) and the extra time it gives him for his emotional development would likely be valuable anyway, but the Camdens aren't arguing for college along those lines; they're simply from the school of "You must go to college!" and maybe it would be nice of them to seem at least a little happy for Martin, who gets pissed and tells them that he didn't tell them this so that they could discuss it; he told them about the scout because he thought they'd be happy for him. Look, the best thing to tell the Camdens to make them happy is that you're going to marry Cecilia and start raising children as soon as possible (with God's blessing). That, he's allowed to do when he's eighteen. But playing baseball? Out of the question! He stomps off, as anyone would. As I do several times over the course of this hour. Annie wants to know what their role here is: substitute parents? Friends? Concerned neighbours? "All of the above," says RevCam, and I hate to tell him that they fucking blew it. And maybe they could explain to me what say "concerned neighbours" would have in Martin's decision. "My neighbour's sixteen-year-old son wants to play professional baseball. I'm concerned!" It's between him and his dad, that's it.
Now we move to that stupid outdoor market/street/whatever set, and I can't get over how phony this thing looks, like, maybe the people who make 7th Heaven are too ashamed to show their faces outside so they can never film on location, but anyway Kevin and CopRox take time out from their busy shift of strolling the promenade looking to crack some skulls of anyone who would disturb the white gentry, and they find Chandler at a café or something and ask how he's doing, and Chandler says he's fine and wants to know why they're asking, and Roxanne says, "I heard about you and Paris, I'm sorry," only she doesn't sound sorry at all, although I think she's supposed to be sincere but it was just crappy line-delivery on her part. "I don't know what you heard, but Paris and I are friends," he says, and Roxanne's all, "Okay," not buying it, and Kevin says Chandler seems tense, and Chandler says, "My family," and Roxanne says, "Is something wrong?" when it's pretty frickin' obvious, and Chandler tells them he's the executor of his dad's estate, but before he can go off on a rant about that, his cell phone rings, and it's his mother, supposedly, and we don't hear her end of the conversation, in which she apparently asks if he's changed his mind and calls him "Napoleon." I say "apparently" not because we don't get to hear it but because Chandler doesn't pause long enough between sentences for his mom to say what she's supposedly saying, like none of the actors on this sorry excuse for a show gives a shit at all about their work, and he yells something about Napoleon's being a tyrant so when his mom calls him that "it hurts [his] feelings!" and his mom hangs up on him, and since Chandler can't exactly slam down a cell phone in anger, he squeezes it really hard. And he says that his brother is out of rehab, and that whatever money his mom gets she'll likely give to him, which he'd just spend on booze and drugs, I guess, and maybe Chandler should total up his chocolate-cake receipts before he passes judgment on someone else's spending money on a particular vice. He bitches some more about his dad's making him executor, and his cell phone rings again, so Kevin and Roxanne decide to get lost because they really can't stand to watch Chandler throw another hissyfit on the phone with his mother.
And for those of you who were dying to know what the twins' "surprise" is, it's that Cecilia's teaching them to ride bikes. Cecilia tells them that they're ready, she can "feel it." "I don't feel it," says one of the twins, and the other says, "All I feel is afraid," which is a rather sophisticated concept for a three-year-old to express, like, how obvious is it that SamVid have NO IDEA what they're saying, and Cecilia tells them not to worry, because they have on "the proper safety equipment," like, she doesn't say "helmets" or "pads" she says "the proper safety equipment" and maybe "the assistant coach" once taught her to wear "the proper safety equipment." And since I can barely understand what the twins say half the time, and since they're out-acting Asslee anyway, let's just fast-forward.
Back at the rectory or the church or the holy office or whatever, Chandler arrives to find Cruella DeVil waiting for him. Oh, I guess this would be his mother. "So this is where you talk to the Lord, huh? Good for you." she says, and then, "Give me my money. And give Sid his money," and tells Chandler not to let his father rule over them from beyond the grave. Chandler's a little too freaked out by the fact he was just talking to her, and now she's here, and she says, "Yeah, it's called a cell phone" which was pretty funny, and she says she flew in the night after her husband's lawyer "lowered the boom." Then she says, "Ouch," which I can relate to. And she tells a rather harrowing tale of having to stay in a hotel with no concierge, twenty-thread-count sheets, and no mini-bar, and she wants Chandler to give her and Sid their money so she can go back to New York, "where civilized people live." And also Sars! ["I don't know how civilized she is -- she's been living without DSL for a week!" -- Wing Chun] So Chandler lectures his mother on how she never had any interest in his father's business, just in the money, and says that giving Sid, a "recovering alcoholic," a million dollars is just plain wrong, which is why Chandler thinks his dad put Chandler in charge. Well, if his dad didn't want Sid to get any money, I suppose he could have stipulated that, couldn't he? Cruella says that the reason Chandler's in charge is because his father wanted to make Chandler miserable even after he died, which is exactly what Chandler said before, and he shakes his head at, I don't know, how he and his mother think alike? Whether he can reconcile his religious beliefs with throttling his mother right there in his office? He says that if she were in charge, she'd burn through all the money and ruin his father's business, and Sid would spend all his money on booze and drugs. Oh, so what? You know Chandler's just going to spend his on ice cream. Mrs. Chandler grabs Chandler's chin and tells him not to force her hand. "What's that supposed to mean?" he says, and she says she didn't come to this "godforsaken" place for a vacation, and that she's not leaving without her money. Incidentally, this conversation is a lot like one I just had with Sars over my payment for the guest recaps of 7th Heaven. Only Sars kicked my arse.
Lucy and Ruthie walk in the front door, so we're glad that we can keep this scintillating party plot going, and Lucy's all, "Don't worry, you're going to that party tonight," and of course Annie overhears this and she's all, "What party?" and Lucy tries to sell her mom on it by calling it a "cool couples' party," like that's going to work. "I told her I'm sure we could work something out so that she could go," says Lucy, and Annie's all, "'We'?" and Ruthie says, "It's just a party!" like she's all defending the party while Annie's understandably wondering what the hell Lucy has to do with any of this, but she tells Ruthie that if it were just a party, Ruthie probably would have asked permission herself and Lucy wouldn't be in the middle of things. So then Annie starts asking questions about the party, and when she finds out it's Suzanne Rogers's party, she says, "And who is Suzanne Rogers? Have I ever met her parents? Or her?" and as much as I hate this show, Annie is sounding a lot like my mom used to sound when I was Ruthie's age. So Lucy, in a condescending tone of voice that would have earned me all the holy terror of my pissed-off mom, suggests that Annie drop Ruthie off so that she can meet the Rogers parents, and then everything will be okay, but Ruthie ixnays that immediately due to the high embarrassment factor that results from having your parents drop you off at a party. Annie tells her not to worry about the embarrassment, since she's not going, because she didn't go about it "in the right way," and then she trains her sights on Lucy and says, "And neither did you. What are you doing in the middle of this?" and Lucy -- who really just does not get it -- starts blabbering on to the effect that she's sure they can all work out a compromise that makes everybody happy, and Annie says, "There's that 'we' again. What 'we'?" Ruthie, being an idiot, tries the "Paris is letting Peter go!" tack, but then has no answer when Annie says, "And why is that?" because she remembered too late Peter's lie to his own mom. Lucy then tries to take the blame, but gets dismissed by Annie, because this doesn't concern her in any way, and rolls her eyes and stomps away, and maybe someone could explain to me why Lucy suddenly thought that raising Ruthie is a joint effort between herself and Annie.
Back at the high school, we get treated to another Martin-is-so-dedicated scene, with the coach shaking his head that Martin is practising on a Saturday. Martin says that if he's going to be playing in the major leagues, he doesn't want to embarrass his coach. "You could never embarrass me," says the coach. Yeah? Just wait for the scene he makes after you reveal that RevCam came to "see" you today. Not that we get to see this. I'd like to know what RevCam -- who is not a parent, relative, or guardian -- told the coach, and exactly what difference it would make to him, since he'd already be aware of the decisions Martin needs to make. Nope. Martin looks pensive. Then, commercials.
Martin's at the batting cages, swinging away at what he visualizes are little RevCam heads shooting out of the ball chucker. I highly recommend it as a way to get over the post-traumatic stress disorder that inevitably results from a viewing of this show. RevCam tries to talk to Martin, who doesn't respond at first, but then does to bitch that RevCam isn't his father, and that he's screwing up Martin's dream, and RevCam tries to tell Martin how much he cares, and blah blah blah, and Martin can take care of himself, and blah blah blah, and you kind of wonder why people don't lose it on RevCam like this all the time. "I may seem sixteen to you, but trust me, I'm a lot older on the inside," and the Battle for Most Preposterous Sentence Uttered by a Teenager on This Show has a new champeen. RevCam asks Martin what his father thinks, but Martin doesn't answer, and RevCam accuses Martin of not even emailing him yet, since he knows his dad will say the same thing RevCam is saying. So, RevCam, here's a thought: LET HIS DAD SAY IT. And Martin tells RevCam that he just needs his aunt to sign off on his decision, since she's his legal guardian while his dad is away in Iraq, like, maybe RevCam forgot where Martin's dad is. RevCam says that Martin's making a big mistake, and Martin comes right back: "No, you made the mistake." Sure did, about eight seasons ago.
Up in the treehouse, Lucy is absolutely devastated at having been put in her place by her mother, like, she's staring off into space and can barely get her voice above a whisper, even when Kevin strolls over to lecture her some more about how she was in the wrong and should apologize to her mother, and I'd be really really really happy if someone could explain to me why Lucy gives such a shit about Ruthie and the stupid party. Instead, she almost bursts into tears when Kevin sanctimoniously says that when people love each other, they sometimes have to tell each other when they're out of line, and Lucy stomps off, which I suppose is completely understandable when you think about having to put up with Kevin's self-righteousness.
Back at the batting cage, Cecilia shows up to annoy me. She tells Martin that she was on her way to the Camdens', and she figured she'd say hi. So she makes her Happy Face and says "hi" and instantly switches to Concerned Face and asks if anything's wrong, like that's quite a range of emotions for Asslee. Martin rants for a while about how he doesn't need another father, and Asslee does that thing where she just stands there and looks at the other person and nods or shakes her head or shrugs, which I think really speaks to her ability or lack thereof to remember her lines. So she lets slip that she agrees with RevCam that Martin should finish school and go to college before he plays pro ball, and you'd think Asslee wouldn't want to hasten his move into professional baseball since it would hasten his dumping her for some baseball groupie with less nasty bangs. Martin talks about Simon's finishing high school early and leaving early, and Cecilia says, "Simon was involved in a fatal car accident. He needed to get away," says Cecilia, like, how thankful am I that Sara M wasn't on vacation for that little slice of Very Special Episode, and Martin -- who isn't even acting his physical age, let alone the age he thinks he is "on the inside" -- says that Cecilia thinks it would be okay for him to go play professional baseball if he got in a car accident and killed a kid. That's Cecilia's cue to stomp off and leave the little asshole choking on it. He backs down, though, and apologizes and says that he was out of line, and she agrees and then starts defending RevCam, until Martin tells her it's none of RevCam's business, and she supposes he also thinks it's none of hers, and walks off.
Ahhh! Close-up of Cruella's craggy, windblown face. She's meeting with RevCam in an utterly pointless scene, although it provides an actual laugh when RevCam says, "I consider Chandler part of my family," and Cruella says, "So do I!" Of course, that laugh is completely ruined by the writer's hammering it home by having RevCam say, "But he is part of your family," and if that wasn't enough, "He's your son," and it's beyond me how this show has stayed on the air so long, since the writers treat the audience like it's comprised of six-year-olds. Anyway, Cruella wants her money, and she wants RevCam to tell Chandler to give her the money. He suggests getting a third party to look into the situation, and Cruella gets this evil look in her eyes and says that she has someone in mind. It's obvious she's thinking about a lawyer, which is what I thought she was insinuating when she warned Chandler not to force her hand earlier. So, her threat to Chandler meant she was going to talk to RevCam? Wow. What a bitch!
Holy shit, I really can't take one more scene of this stupid nonsense involving Ruthie and her stupid party, especially if Lucy is going to play it as though she's just been informed her best friend was stabbed to death. She tells Ruthie she's sorry, and that little wench Ruthie says, "You should be," and points out that Ruthie would have gotten the same result anyway had she just asked Annie straight out. Anyway, we're not done yet. Annie comes in and asks to speak to Ruthie, and pointedly says, "Alone," to Lucy, who wonders, rather whinily, why she has to leave. "Because this is none of your business," says Annie, and Lucy flops on out of there, like, let me think just how often I gave a shit about my parents' fights with my younger siblings when I was -- how old is Lucy supposed to be, anyway? -- let's say over eighteen. Hmmm. Never. Anyway, Annie says she called Suzanne Rogers's place to talk to Suzanne's parents. Know what she found out? That the parents aren't even there; Suzanne's sixteen-year-old sister is in charge -- and she has a date tonight. So, due to the lack of adult supervision, Annie can't let Ruthie go to the party, even if she wanted to (which she doesn't). "Sorry," she says. Ruthie says she doesn't think her mom is sorry at all (nor do I, but it's not like she needs to be). "I'm not the enemy here. I'm just a mom," says Annie. But oh! She also called Paris, who was quite surprised that Annie did not in fact already give permission for Ruthie to go. Annie wonders if Ruthie has anything to say to her. "Like?" says Ruthie. "'I'm sorry'?" suggests Annie. Ruthie says the only thing she's sorry for is that she doesn't get to go to the party. Annie might be interested to know that the Supreme Court of Canada recently ruled it's okay to spank your child, so she might want to visit here -- oh, wait. The court ruled that you're not allowed to strike your kid out of anger, so Ruthie would likely be safe up here. "Well, I'm sorry that's how you feel," says Annie, and stomps on out of there and downstairs...
...where Lucy is waiting to prolong this stupid plotline beyond any lengths of common sense or general interest. Annie says "not now" to Lucy, and tells her that she's very upset with her, and Lucy's all, "Well, I'm very upset with you!" and I cannot believe the tone she's taking and tries the "it's just a party" routine, for some reason sticking her nose in even MORE on the Ruthie situation. And Annie basically goes to town on Lucy, which was pretty cool, and she explains that the rules are in place because they work, and they worked for (and here Annie lists a bunch of names of people who aren't even on the show anymore). And Lucy says she attended a party or two where Annie and the Rev didn't know the parents and she "turned out okay," and I hate to tell Lucy that the jury is still way out on that one. So Annie asks just how much Lucy knows about this party, and tells her that the parents are out of town and the sixteen-year-old older sister (who won't even actually be there) is in charge: "I suggest that if you want to get in the middle of things, you get your facts straight. But I think it would be even better if you didn't get involved in things that are none of your business." Then she says that there may have been a party or two that Lucy went to where Annie didn't know the parents or the friend, but that if Lucy thinks about it, she'll probably realize that those were the parties where something bad happened. No kidding, Annie! Those are the best parties! Now do you understand why Ruthie wants to go so badly? Anyway, how does Lucy react to getting put in her place by her mom? By saying, with tears in her eyes, that she and Kevin are moving out. "Consider this our thirty-day notice." Annie just looks at her. Gee, what parent wouldn't want her daughter and her son-in-law to find their own place? What is Annie going to say here? "Oh, if you can't meddle in my parenting, you're going to move out? No, please don't go!" So into this happy little scene strolls Cecilia, who takes a look at the combatants and wonders if she should come back. "No, I was just leaving," says Lucy, "for good." It's interesting that she considers that a threat. So Cecilia wonders if this is a bad time for the twins to show Annie their surprise, and Annie says she could use a good surprise right now, whatever that means. And they walk away, and we see that Ruthie has been listening in on the fight.
RevCam's office. Chandler shows up wanting to know what the Rev said to Cruella. RevCam says he told her that he agreed with the way Chandler was handling things, and that the two of them could use some counseling. Why do you ask? Because my mother's suing me! yells Chandler. RevCam looks like he's passing a kidney stone, which would be a lot less painful than having to recap this show as a regular job.
So the twins are riding around in circles yelling "look at me!" much to the delight of Cecilia. Annie, meanwhile, looks like she came into the back yard only to find her kids ritualistically murdered. And Cecilia tells this long, boring story about the whole process of teaching the kids to ride their bikes. Annie doesn't say anything, so Cecilia makes her Concerned Face and asks if anything is wrong. Annie still says nothing.
Back in RevCam's office, Chandler is pacing around when Martin shows up to yell at RevCam some more. Turns out RevCam emailed Martin's father to tell him what was going on, and Martin's dad won't let Martin play baseball and told his aunt not to sign his papers to allow Martin to play pro baseball early. Martin: "Who do you think you are? God?" Hee! Also, yes. Yes, he does. RevCam does his halting delivery that drives me up the wall as he explains that he had to email Martin's dad (I know there's a time difference, but how about a phone call?) to let him know, because, as a father, RevCam would want to know if something like this were happening with his son: "I'm not happy. I'm just a dad, trying to help out another dad who's very far away," he says. Notice how he said "I'm just a dad," just like Annie said, "I'm just a mom"? Well, I'm just a recapper, and I'm getting more and more annoyed. And Martin says that he's glad RevCam isn't his dad, and that he can't wait to get the hell away from him. Well, he doesn't say "hell." Commercials.
More SamVid speaking very slowly as they eat cookies and say they want to ride their bikes some more. Annie shoos them into the back yard so that she can get all misty-eyed over the fact she's normally the one to teach her kids to ride their bikes. "I had no idea. Some kid in the neighbourhood taught me. I had no idea it meant so much to you," says Cecilia. Then she promises that Annie can teach her kids to ride their bikes, and Annie's all "that's sweet" and Cecilia says she'll start supper so that Annie can go watch her kids ride their damn bikes some more.
Chandler shows up to talk to his mom, because it's getting near the end of the episode and they need to have their reconciliation scene. He blathers on about how he's never shied away from doing the right thing, and he's not about to start. And he hands over only $500 to his mom, says he's putting Sid's money in a trust until Chandler feels he can have it, and blah blah blah, and I guess Cruella was moved by Chandler's crazy stuttering rant and decides not to sue him.
Speaking of extra parents, here's Kevin lecturing Lucy YET AGAIN (not that she doesn't need it), and telling her that they're not moving. Why? Because he likes that her family is close by, and so he doesn't have to worry about her when he's working and therefore can concentrate on his job, which is good, because he carries a gun. Okay, he worries about Lucy why? Am I missing something? She's an adult (in theory). He worries about her being alone? You know, the FCC can spend all the time it wants getting its panties in a twist over Janet Jackson's breast, but you know what? All women have them. The breast nourished all of us (I mean, not Janet's specifically). The female body is not a dirty thing. If the FCC wants to target something that's offensive, it should go after this show with its sexism, since 7th Heaven is a lot more offensive than anything else the puritans and hypocrites are screaming about. I mean, really. Still, Lucy wants to move, even though Kevin says she'd just rather move than apologize. Lucy says she can't apologize. Why not? "Because I don't like being wrong, okay?" she whines, and right about here is where you'd think Kevin would worry that he married a child bride. He basically tells her to suck it up, because they're not moving, and she can't avoid her mother for the rest of her life. But fortunately, once I'm done this recap, I'll be avoiding all of them for the rest of my life. And then Kevin gets in another dig at Lucy's needing to balance the chequebook, even after he laughably tells her that he's not her father. And he says she needs to come with him to the bank to learn about their finances and investments and such. "Why are you picking on me?" Lucy says, while doing that thing with her mouth that makes her look like a duck. "Because I love you," he says, like this is supposed to be sweet or something.
Ruthie's room. Peter shows up to talk in his patented flat monotone. He asks if Ruthie's sad about not going to the party, and Ruthie says "not exactly" and after putting me to sleep by talking about how he apologized to Mrs. Camden, Peter asks why Ruthie's sad. She says that she caused a big fight between Lucy and Annie, and now Lucy's moving out and it's all her fault. Hell, Ruthie -- your mom will probably reward you for doing her a solid like that.
The twins are STILL riding their damn bikes in circles, like, how much do you want to bet they throw up as soon as they get off? Annie is sitting there in a daze watching them when Chandler strolls into the yard. He tells Annie that he just came by to tell RevCam that he worked things out with his mom, but RevCam's not there. Chandler expresses amazement at the twins' bike-riding abilities, which is probably due to his surprise that they possess the necessary motor skills at all, and Annie says something about how quickly they're growing up. "Hard to think that someday they may be taking care of me," she says, and all I can say is rest in peace, Annie. And she then expresses sympathy for Chandler's having to be a parent to his parent, which was awfully nice of her considering that he didn't come over to talk to her about the situation, only the man of the house, and he thanks her and walks off, since it doesn't look like there's any food prepared for him to eat.
Inside, Cecilia is pretty much finished making dinner, and she tells Annie she'll get the twins "ready for dinner." How sad that they can't just be told to wash their hands? And we see that Ruthie and Peter are standing there, and Peter says, "And I'll get out of here so you two can talk," like SHUT UP PETER, and I have to say the overriding theme of men, no matter what age, being the voice of reason on this show is really starting to piss me off. Ruthie apologizes. Annie doesn't seem to buy it until Ruthie tells her not to blame Lucy, since Ruthie asked her to get involved. Kevin walks in, so Ruthie pleads with Annie not to let Kevin and Lucy move away. Kevin tells her they're not moving, and you know they believe him, since he's the man and therefore it's up to him. He tells Annie that Lucy's in the treehouse, so Annie can talk to her, like Lucy can't even make the trip herself, which I guess isn't surprising since when Annie gets there, Lucy can't even bring herself to apologize; Annie has to suggest it, and Lucy says yes, like NICE APOLOGY, and Annie accepts the "apology" that Lucy didn't even have to actually make, and she asks if this means Kevin and Lucy won't move out, and Lucy finally says, "I really am sorry," and they hug and everything's all better again instantly.
RevCam is standing at the foot of Martin's bed, and he just stands there for a few moments until the director says "action!" and then he says "can we talk?" and Martin shrugs and RevCam just babbles on more and more about how he's not trying to be Martin's father. He's made this same speech several times over the course of the episode, and Martin looks as bored by it as I feel. He suggests waiting until his dad gets home so that they can finish the conversation, but RevCam says they don't know when soldier boy's coming home. Martin does: week. Oh, the marine finally emailed, did he? Yeah. Turns out that the marine is so worried about his son that he got an emergency leave to come home. RevCam looks absolutely stunned, instead of, oh, I don't know, relieved. Martin looks worried too, at first, and then he kind of smiles, so maybe he's happy. I don't know. They both kind of look like Uma Thurman has their name on a list and she's coming to cross them off. God, that would be a great episode.