I complain a lot in other recaps I write about endless "previously on X Show" scenes that start off every episode. Mostly I find them a) insulting, since they don't seem to give regular viewers enough credit to remember plotlines from week to week, when in fact viewers seem to remember plotlines better than forgetful and revisionist writers; and b) unnecessary, since despite the annoying "previously on" scenes, most shows find ways of reminding people of ongoing plots within the episode itself (usually clunky, contrived dialogue). So it was weird for me to be kind of hoping for "previously on" scenes for 7th Heaven, but only because I've never seen the show before. I've read some of the recaps, and there was a momentary interest in checking out the show thanks to Jessica Biel's infamous Gear photo spread, but something always prevented me from watching the show. It might have been the lack of a gun pointed to my head by someone hell-bent on making me watch, which was the only scenario I could envision in which I'd subject myself to it. I mean, I knew Jessica Biel wasn't going to be topless on the show. Did you see those pictures?
Anyway, no "previously on" scenes. Good for 7th Heaven, I guess. Besides, to be fair, there'd have to be a lot of them to get me caught up on seven and a half seasons' worth. But the first line of dialogue? Not so good: "He asked me for the one thing I wanted to do even less than those things." Ohhhh-kaaaaay. And "he" is? And "those things" are? And "the one thing" is? The "he" is Vic, and "the one thing" is being a part of Paris and Peter's lives, but it took me a little while to pick up on that, since as soon as we see Paris in the church talking to RevCam, I was saying, "Hey! It's that woman who tried to break up with George but he wouldn't let her do it, so she had to do it through Kramer!" You know, where she calls George and he doesn't pick up the phone and his answering machine has the "Believe it or not, George isn't at home..." message? Hee! I love that! RevCam doesn't say much. Judging from the look on his face, it's because he's trying to pass a kidney stone. Paris's expository dialogue is that painful, as she explains that Vic is sober and went into rehab and hasn't had a drink in three years, and even has a job teaching art at a small college. It doesn't pay much, mind, but enough to pay back child support. "He wants a second chance," she says. "What do you want?" says RevCam. Paris says she wants to go back in time and to not have answered the phone and gone out for a cup of coffee. RevCam says God can do that, but Paris runs the risk of screwing things up in the past so that her parents never meet and she's never born and starts to fade from existence while playing guitar at a sock hop unless she sets things right. "But that's not going to happen. What do you really want?" he says. "I want Vic to be someone other than Vic," she says, not grasping the idea that maybe she should confine her wishes to the realm of the physically possible. She says Vic is still the irresponsible, angry, annoying guy he always was. "I thought it was the alcohol, turns out it's him -- I don't like him." RevCam shifts around stiffly. Almost got it! Since he's not saying anything, Paris has to babble on about how it doesn't matter what she thinks since they have a child together (call me nuts, but I think it still matters what she thinks), and that she "stupidly" gave him visitation rights but he never requested them until now, and she's pleading with RevCam, actually clasping her hands as if in prayer, for RevCam to do something so that Vic's reappearance doesn't ruin their lives. Unbidden, the image of Don Corleone pops into my head, slapping Johnny Fontane and shouting, "You can start by acting like a man!" Lord. Two movie references and I'm less than a minute and a half into my recap. Can you tell I wish I were doing something else?
Anyway, what does RevCam suggest? Nothing. He scratches his chin with his thumb. Thanks for the guidance, "Reverend." Paris says she's going to talk to Peter and Chandler. Finally, the almighty RevCam speaks. "Chandler seems to be getting very close to Peter." It'd be nice if he could have said that without having it sound, to the 7th Heaven viewing-virgin, like there was a Michael Jackson insinuation in there somewhere. But I guess not. "Are you and Chandler considering...marriage?" Paris is quick with the "No...no..." and then adds that even if they were considering it, this "turn of events" would have her reconsidering it. Wuzzah? She doesn't want her asshole ex-husband in her life, but she'd let Vic's presence scuttle a potential marriage? Sounds logical. Anyway, she then starts extolling Chandler's virtues and goes on about how he's the best thing to happen to her and Peter in years, and this would be when Chandler ambles on in, wondering if he heard his name. RevCam excuses himself to go grimace and scratch his chin and be of absolutely no use to anyone elsewhere. After Chandler and Paris cheek-kiss and exchange "I missed you"s, Chandler says that when he heard her talking, he assumed she was waiting for him, but that's not why she's here, is it? The whole while, he's doing this weird shifty-eyed thing, glancing off-camera like he's worried that the onion rings on the craft services table are going to be gone before they nail this scene. Paris says she wasn't, but she does want to talk to him. Chandler gets even more shifty-eyed.
Opening credits. I'm sorry. I really hope I don't go over too many things that have been covered in past recaps, but this is the theme song? It sounds like a Saturday Night Live parody. "And Happy as 'Happy'?" This show has to be the work of Satan.
The commercial where the crying baby is soothed by the internet pictures of Elle MacPherson, who turns out to be his mom, is kind of cute, but come on. Dude, if you're married to Elle MacPherson and you have to turn to the internet for video of her? That's just sad.
RevCam. Dozing off in front of computer at home. Jaunty harp plucking, or whatever, as RevCam fights a losing battle against sleep; he nods off, snoring, while Ruthie watches creepily from the doorway. After he falls asleep, she walks towards him, and he wakes up again. She says she just wanted to say "good night," but the weird way she was watching him and the way her eyes widen as she delivers her line? I swear RevCam came this close to having a letter opener plunged into the back of his neck. Too bad, too. I was ready with an A-plus for this episode had that happened. But he says good night and he loves her, and she says she loves him too, and that's why she's hoping he'll talk to Peter, who sounded really angry on the phone with her tonight. Get used to it, is what RevCam should say, but doesn't. Ruthie also knows RevCam met with Paris today. "And you know my counseling sessions are private matters that I don't share," says RevCam. "Oh, so it was a counseling session! Not just, say, a friendly meeting!" says Ruthie. Yes, well played, Ruthie. Well played. RevCam gives her a pointed "good night," but before Ruthie goes, she innocently says that she hopes Paris doesn't say "no" to Chandler, and hopes that possibility isn't what's upsetting Peter. RevCam's all, "say 'no' to Chandler?" but Ruthie sweetly says, "good night!" and skips on out of there. RevCam totally makes "that little bitch!" faces. Eight-figure salary or not, Stephen Collins is losing it.
Peter and Kevin are going for a walk or something, and Kevin right away asks Peter what's wrong, even though we haven't had the chance to see for ourselves that anything is wrong. No matter. Peter says he hates his mother, and Kevin says everyone hates their mother at one time or another. "Restrict you?" says Kevin. Nope. "Take away something?" he says. Nope. "Talk in maddening sentence fragments like these?" says Kevin. That's it, that's the one. Honest to god, if you didn't see this episode, you have no idea just how long Kevin grilled Peter on all the possible reasons why he could be mad. It was about 35 seconds, but it felt like hours. Finally Peter says his mom met up with his dad on her business trip and they're discussing being a family again. Kevin, who is some kind of moron, asks how Peter feels about that, and Peter busts on him for such a stupid question. "I don't want to see my dad. I don't want to talk to him. I wish he were dead," says Peter, and Kevin quietly points out that his own dad is dead, so maybe Peter should lay his daddy-death fantasies on someone else. It's like when someone writes to Ann Landers and complains about her husband's snoring, and then someone else writes in to say, "My husband's snoring used to get on my nerves, and THEN HE DIED, and how I wish he were snoring beside me right now." So Peter backs off and says, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you," like, this kid sounds like no other twelve-year-old I've ever met, and he explains that his father was a mean drunk, and things were starting to go well for him and his mother. "We were going to marry Chandler," he says, but now Vic has shown up and ruined things. "Marry Chandler?" says Kevin.
No, wait. Not yet, he doesn't. First the two of them have to studiously continue to their new marks, in this case a bench, and sit down. "Marry Chandler?" says Kevin, and Peter admits that it wasn't a done deal or anything, but Chandler talked to Peter about it. "I said yes," he says. But now everything's ruined. Kevin says things are more complicated, not necessarily ruined. He asks what Peter's mom's making him do: "Just see your dad? Just talk to him?" "One or the other," says Peter, whatever that means. I guess if he elects to see his father, he's not required to talk to him. Kevin suggests it's a good chance to tell his father how angry he is, and points out that Peter recently helped "facilitate a meeting between an alcoholic father and his son," like, WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? Tonight's dialogue, ripped straight from the program summaries in TV Guide. "That was a Very Special Episode," concedes Peter, but says the father and son in that case were likable, whereas Peter's dad? Not so much. Kevin says Peter can get through this, and if he can't do it on his own, RevCam will go with him. Or Annie. Or both of them! Peter asks if Kevin will go with him. Kevin says he will, but wonders why Peter wants him to. Because, explains Peter, he'll have to be on his best behaviour if Mr. and Mrs. RevCam go, but with Kevin there he'll be able to say whatever he wants. "You're a cop. You know the dark side of life," says Peter, I SWEAR TO GOD HE SAID THAT. I SWEAR TO GOD HE JUST SAID, "YOU KNOW THE DARK SIDE OF LIFE." GOOD CHRIST. Kevin wants to know if Chandler knows about this. Peter seems kind of pleased that Chandler and his mom are fighting about it right this very second.
So I guess Paris now knows about Chandler's marriage plans, since he's saying he wouldn't have said anything to Peter if he'd known Paris was having coffee with her ex-husband "with a dream of getting back together with him," like, how much of a child is Chandler anyway? She says getting back together with Vic would be a nightmare, not a dream. Then she asks the very question that I want answered: namely, if Chandler was considering marriage, why wouldn't he have talked to Paris first, and not her kid? Chandler says, "Would it have made any difference?" Paris, instead of slapping him, just stares.
Back in the Treehouse, Lucy's grilling Kevin over what he and Peter talked about, and Peter's all, "If he wanted you to know, he would have talked to you." Lucy pretends to accept this, then offers him a cookie. Now that's more like it, little woman! He says he will indeed have a cookie, as well as a big glass of milk. The jaunty music kicks in as Lucy says they have cookies but no milk, and she volunteers to go get some. Kevin seems strangely frightened as he tells her, "It's cold out! I'll go!" Lucy insists, since she owes him (so she says), and bops downstairs.
Downstairs, Ruthie is on the first of her many phone calls this episode, and in all of them, she stares fixedly and unnervingly off-screen, and she holds the mouthpiece to her neck. I find it sad that she can't even realistically pretend to talk on the telephone, and doubly sad that no one on the show thought to tell her how to. Peter says he phoned to apologize for before. Ruthinator stares off-screen. "Your clothes, give them to me now," she says. Peter explains about his mom talking to his dad. "Come with me if you want to live," says Ruthinator. The scene ends with Ruthie looking directly into the camera and widening her eyes.
I...you know, I always heard this show sucked ass. I just never...I don't know, you can't appreciate the scope of its shittiness until you actually watch it. There's just so much evil in the world.
Not to mention wacky shenanigans! Kevin's noticing that there are two jugs of milk in the fridge when the cop chick whose name I can't remember is all barging in to his apartment, like maybe this is a bachelor party and she's going to pretend there's been a noise complaint before she starts taking off her clothes. Sadly, no. She just asks what the emergency is. He says there is no emergency, that he just told "Smitty" to tell her to call him, but since they had to contrivedly work her into the show, Smitty told her it was an emergency, I guess. ["And...'Smitty'? WHAT is with the NAMES? What is this, Barney Miller? I hate this goddamn show." -- Sars] He says he needs her to run a check on Peter's dad to find out if he has a criminal record. She asks why he can't, and he says he's run out of favours. She wants to know if it's to her advantage if the guy does have a record, and Kevin says that either way Paris is going to be taking some time away from Chandler, so I'm guessing that NYPD Blonde here has a thing for Chandler? She asks what Peter's dad's name is, and Kevin doesn't even know it yet, and you kind of think he might have found that out before he called to have a check done on him, but whatever.
Peter is still on the phone with the Ruthinator, whining about Chandler's "potential" to be a great dad. "Chill out, dickwad," says Ruthinator. "I don't need any of your sage advice! This is why I didn't tell you about it in the first place! And what do you know about it? You're a Camden!" and he angrily hangs up the phone and tosses the phone away, and it's certainly great that being an angry jerk isn't genetic or anything. Ruthie hangs up the phone and we see RevCam eavesdropping. Tiptoeing away, he almost runs into Lucy's boobs. She smilingly shoves him back into Ruthie's room so he can apologize for spying. He does, and they all start piecing together this enthralling soap opera, with Ruthie letting the cat out of the bag that Chandler was going to ask Paris to marry him. RevCam's a little taken aback by that. Oh, didn't Kevin tell him? "No, I didn't," says Kevin, who strolls into the room. "We have milk," he snaps at Lucy, who hangs her head like an eight-year-old.
Speaking of Chandler, he's apparently decided that the best way to get over a fight with his non-fiancée is to sneak into the CamPound. Annie surprises him, and is a little scared herself. "I thought I heard somebody!" she says. So...she didn't tell RevCam, she just decided to sneak downstairs and surprise a potential burglar. She asks what's going on, and he whines about the whole Paris thing, somewhat surprised to find out she's already deduced that he wanted to marry Paris and be Peter's dad. She tells him he has to let them have their second chance, if that's what they want. "I have a feeling that everything's going to work out in the end," she says. Doesn't it always? She tells him to go home and get some sleep. Then she starts babbling on about how when he came to the church he did everything RevCam needed him to, and then RevCam came back and Chandler stepped back a bit, and kind of lost his "footing," but he doesn't need to wait to be asked to help. "The church needs you. The community needs you. The world needs you. So do something." To paraphrase Cracker, what the world needs now is Chandler, like I need a hole in my head. "Make a contribution," she says. Good advice, Brenda Hampton. I'd like to contribute a kick in the ass to everyone involved with this show. Annie moves to leave, but says, "Hey, there's some hidden brownies in the drawer under the dishtowels and there's plenty of milk in the fridge." Something tells me Annie didn't come downstairs to check on an intruder after all. She leaves, and Chandler glances heavenward...well, ceilingward, anyway. "Did you tell her to say that?" he says. Sure did. God's got nothing better to do than instruct Annie to let Chandler stuff his face some more. Maybe if you'd let God alone, the Packers would have won last weekend, Chandler. Thanks a lot. I had twenty bucks on that game! Commercials.
Studying for the SATs is too much trouble. I know! Let's plan an elaborate heist to steal the answers! And not that I don't like Matthew Lillard, but I get the impression that when a script comes across his desk, he says to himself, "I hope I get to crack a lot of jokes!" every single time.
The morning, Peter brings Chandler into the kitchen (calling him "the guy we like") so Chandler can stammer out a lot of hooey about how, despite his bad timing, he's still happy that the two of them know how he feels about them, and he still wants to talk to them, still wants to see them, but only "if and when it's appropriate," and Paris is undoubtedly thinking that she should have had coffee with Vic a long time ago if only to find out what a friggin' jellyfish Chandler is. "And Peter, I think we need to let your mom decide that," he says, and he burbles on about how if they need him or miss him or are "lonely" they should let him know, and I'm trying to figure out what Paris sees in this weenie, and Peter says, "What, are you afraid of a little competition?" And Chandler resignedly says that this isn't a competition, but if it were, he'd "jump right in and fight to the finish." And then -- oh look, I'm accidentally fast-forwarding to the end of the scene, mainly so that I don't have to listen to Peter tell his mom that he wants to talk to his dad alone, or at most with Kevin there. I think I'd rather not hear Peter say something stupid like "the dark side of life" again. Fortunately, he just says that he's got some things to say to his dad that he doesn't think he should say in front of Paris, or RevCam, like yeah, such a tough little kid, this guy.
We fade up on Jeremy London waiting for the director to say "action" and it takes forever, but finally he starts talking, like, nice fade-in to a conversation supposedly already in progress. And he's figured out that what he wants to do, per Annie's suggestion, is eat a whole fucking lot more brownies. That, and he wants to gather all the young people in the...what is this? Parish? Congregation? Organization? Cult? I'm Catholic, so I don't know. To us, everything else is a cult, pretty much. Anyway, he wants to gather up all the young people of the flock or whatever and mobilize them to help out whoever needs them to -- local charities, veteran's groups, that sort of thing. Which is nice and all, but wasn't Annie's point that he's been sitting around waiting to be asked for help? So his solution is to gather up a bunch more people to...sit around waiting to be asked for help. Nonetheless, RevCam says it's a great idea, which is a total load, and Chandler thanks him for his support. Like maybe Chandler could have simply asked RevCam for suggestions on groups to help, instead of forming this weird Christian A-Team. The C-Team. If you've got a bingo, if no one else can cook Rice Krispie squares, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the C-Team. "I'm excited to get started," says Chandler. YOU'RE NOT FUCKING DOING ANYTHING. Watching this Christian show is making me swear a whole lot more than usual. I doubt that was Brenda Hampton's intention.
Chandler leaves and bumps into That Guy From Mad TV, who says he's looking for RevCam. Chandler points him in the right direction, and does this little snort thing and shakes his head, which was pretty rude, if you ask me.
It's also somewhat indicative of the way the Camdens and their disciples will be reacting to this guy (who is, of course, Vic) -- with a lot of prejudice. Take RevCam here, who spends the entire talk with Vic squinting at him in a mild "what's wrong with this guy?" kind of way. And what's wrong with Vic? Well, he comes off as a little obnoxious, mainly in that he doesn't seem to be taking anything seriously. He commits the grievous sin of admitting that he really doesn't want to meet with RevCam, but it's what his ex-wife wants, so here he is. This makes him an asshole, I guess -- the fact that he's doing something he admittedly doesn't want to do, since it's what his ex-wife wants. What an asshole! He's been sober for three years and nine months (sarcastic "woo hoo"). For me, the only time he really sounds like a jerk is when he says he has a "crummy" job teaching art at a local college to a "bunch of losers." Thing is, though, he might be right. Has RevCam met Vic's art class? Maybe they are a bunch of losers! "So I guess you're an artist," says RevGeniusCam. Although maybe it wasn't such a dumb question, since Vic says, "Not really. Whatever." Heh. I like Vic. He's already more interesting than all the rest of the phonies on this show put together. RevCam justifies his existence by saying Paris thought...I don't know, it's a lot of garbage about how RevCam's advice to her regarding the potential reunion would be helped if RevCam knew Vic better. Vic cuts to the heart of that, which is that if RevCam likes Vic, he'll convince Paris to let Peter talk to him. Vic doesn't seem overly impressed by this, and informs RevCam that he didn't get sober for nothing. Oh, and also (although Vic doesn't point this out)? They're called visitation rights. So it doesn't matter if RevCam doesn't like Vic, does it? And Vic informs RevCam that RevCam will not in fact like him, since no one does. But that's never stopped him from living his life. RevCam asks if Vic is in A.A. "Isn't that Alcoholics Anonymous?" says Vic (sarcastically, in case you hadn't figured it out). And...well, okay. I mean, the guy could answer questions politely. I mean, this is a reverend he's talking to here. But regardless, it sounds like no, he's not in A.A., since, as Vic puts it, he's not an alcoholic. He's sober. More back and forth with RevCam asking if Vic likes himself, and Vic admits that he doesn't all that much but he's not changing for anybody, and that he doesn't have to be any better than he is right now for his son to love him. RevCam says nothing. He just arches an Eyebrow of Judgment.
Cut to a pissed-off Peter jabbing his finger and yelling, supposedly at his dad, calling him a mean drunk and lousy and rotten and...I mean, I can't believe there are directors out there who think we still fall for this. Like is there any viewer who watched this and thought, "Holy shit! Peter's really tearing into Vic! Good for... Oh! That's not Vic! It's Martin! Peter's only practising!" Martin interrupts Peter's tirade to tell him he can't talk to his dad like that. Peter's all, that's how I feel, though. Martin's all, sure, but there's no way I could talk to my dad like that. Not that he'd hit me or anything. "My father's in the Marines. You can't talk to a Marine like that. Or a dad." I understand it's mentioned a lot that Martin's dad is in the Marines. I've heard it just the once, and I'm already annoyed. And being a Marine's son, Martin has to say something like a father/son relationship is all about honour and respect, so Peter should be honourable and respectful no matter how he feels. Peter clearly doesn't think this is the way to go, so Martin says maybe he should talk to someone else.
That someone else is, I don't know, Ashley? That is to say, Asslee? The one with the bangs. Give me a break, I'm new to this show, and it took me almost halfway through it to realize that most of the kids on this show aren't even real Camdens. Kind of like The Cosby Show during its later years, where pretty much every episode was half an hour of Bill dancing with Raven Symone, and you'd turn it on and you'd be like, "The hell? Where's Theo?" This is like that. Only instead of Bill Cosby bebopping and scatting and making shit up on the spot, the dialogue consists of Things Teenagers Never Would Actually Say, such as "Say what's in your heart, but use your head" and "I don't feel like censoring my feelings." Peter is getting nowhere with Asslee, and Ruthie materializes to offer her two cents, and I take back what I said about her looking like the Terminator. I mean, I'm not saying that the weird thing she does with her eyes doesn't make her look like she's moments away from ripping off a latex facemask to reveal a metallic endoskeleton underneath. That still holds. But with her long straight hair flowing over her shoulders? She's Ozzy Osbourne, I swear to god. Peter offers up that he wants someone who'll agree with him, and Asslee and Ruthie look at each other like this could only mean one person: Lucy. And why they exchanged looks like that is a mystery to me, because Lucy tells him the same thing every single person has told him thus far, with no end in sight: that he can't speak to his dad that way, and that he's got to find a nice way to say what a living hell Vic made things for his mom. So Peter says nuts to her too and this is why he asked Kevin to come along, because of the "sheltered life" the Camdens lead, you know, like Peter's fighting for his life every day on the mean streets of Glenoak, and when Kevin comes in to tell Peter he's almost ready to go, Lucy tries to get Kevin on board the whole "don't get angry with the mean drunk who broke up your family" train, but Kevin says he thinks Peter should say whatever he wants.
Annie's stirring a dead bunny in a pot on the kitchen stove. Well, I don't know. Something's not right. She's just staring into space and stirring when RevCam comes in, and Annie says all flatline, "Well. How'd it go. With Peter's dad." And apparently Vic reminded the RevCam of how difficult it is to love one another, and if Vic is the biggest asshole the RevCam has ever met, then he's a lucky man. And he somewhat hopes Peter has the courage to tell Vic what a mean, rotten guy he is, since RevCam just spent the better part of two hours trying to convince Vic the same thing and to get him to do something about it. And he goes on in this sanctimonious fashion, with Annie's eyes watering and wondering if there's anything she can do. If there's anything anyone can do. Anyone would be forgiven for thinking they were talking about the Hitler. RevCam's solution is to "circle the wagons" and "surround this man with as much love as we can muster."
Or, you know, mind your own business. Is that ever an option on this show?
Then RevCam gripes about how exhausted he is from refraining from smacking Vic with a newspaper that was on his desk. Fuck. Go work among prostitutes and drug addicts and prisoners and then come back and whine about how hard it is to love people, you stupid man. Annie just smiles at him beatifically. He's doing the Lord's work!
Now we're on one of those terrible outdoor sets that look ridiculously fake (I think they might have used this one on Birds of Prey), and Kevin and Peter are wandering around. Peter spots Vic, and without saying a word, he runs straight into his arms. Vic looks quite touched, and Kevin even seems a little moved. Commercials.
Some free advice from a Canadian to the producers of Miracle: don't bother releasing that movie up here. I'm not downplaying the 1980 U.S. men's Olympic hockey team's achievement. I'm just saying the only people who buy a ticket for that movie up here are going to get into the theatre and then say, "Where the hell is Skeet?" Also, since this movie appears to be swaddled in red, white, and blue, maybe you should rethink the choice of song for the commercial; "Takin' Care of Business" is a Canadian song, guys.
Kevin has brought along a book to pretend to read while Vic and Peter start getting caught up, and Vic wonders why Peter felt the need to bring a cop along, and Peter says he was afraid of what he might do, or something stupid like that, and says he wasn't counting on being happy to see his dad. But he is, even though he's conflicted about it. So then we listen to a bunch of excuses from Vic as to why he was gone so long, and he says he didn't want to come back until he was back on his feet and sober. Peter wonders why he didn't hear from his dad on his birthday or Christmas. Ah. So it's all about the presents with this kid, isn't it. Peter wants to know why Vic's shown up only now, since he's been sober for three years. "'Cause I couldn't go any longer without seeing you," says Vic. What an asshole! This was approaching sweet until Vic busts out the ol' "So, is your mom seeing anybody?" and Peter just looks at him.
Back at the CamPound, the Ruthinator is moving downstairs, staring straight ahead into the very blackness of my soul. The telephone rings, and her programming instructs her to go pick it up, and when she does, she picks the mark off-screen that she will look at, unwaveringly, for the entire conversation. "Ruthie! Just the person I was hoping to talk to," says Chandler, as if anyone has ever said that sentence in their entire lives. He gives her this overly detailed C-Team explanation, and then tells her word got out so fast about it that he hasn't even had time to get a group together, and he's already received a call for help. And so his first phone call was to...Ruthie? Is the plan to scare the hell out of the group they're helping, such that no one ever calls them again? He asks Ruthie if she wants to help a group of nice people move into a new home Saturday (tomorrow). She says she's not much for heavy lifting, but she's good at bossing people around. I guess that's supposed to be funny.
RevCam is now talking to Paris about how hard it is to find something nice about Vic, like, you'd think Vic were a serial rapist the way RevCam is talking about him. RevCam says the best bet is to try to make Vic see his own value, and that might make him a better person, or some such. RevCam doesn't get to the part about mustering as much love as he can for Vic, because he's interrupted by Ruthie, who comes in followed by Martin and Cecilia. Ruthie tells RevCam about the moving thing, and he suggests enlisting Martin and Cecilia's help, but they're already on board. RevCam suggests they ask Peter too, and Paris wonders if it's wise for Peter to spend time with Chandler, and both she and Ruthie wonder if RevCam is up to something, but before we can explore the devious workings of the RevCam's machinations, Peter and Vic come in. "Kevin went home," is the first thing Peter says, as if anyone cares, and as if Kevin doesn't, you know, LIVE THERE. So Paris how things went, and Peter says, "Good, actually," and then thanks his mom for MAKING HIM DO THIS, when as I recall he insisted on doing it despite her objections. Introductions are made, and even this complete stranger knows that Martin is a Marine's son, and Vic shakes his hand and asks when Martin is signing up. Martin says he's 16, but when he turns 18, semper fi! Then he wonders if Vic is taking a swipe at the Marines, and Vic tells him he's just being friendly. I guess the Camdens don't know a whole lot about being friendly, since they all just stand there awkwardly after Vic meets Cecilia and makes an inappropriate-but-not-inaccurate joke about how the place is like an orphanage except the kids all have parents at home.
Everyone stands around making "what an asshole" faces like Vic just pissed all over the rug, like, so much for mustering as much love as they can from this judgmental group. Vic pleasantly says that if they're all finished staring at him, he's going to go home. He says he'll call Peter tomorrow. Paris and Peter leave too, and RevCam assures everyone remaining that "everything's going to be fine" like this is some kind of crisis. Lucy comes in talking about how Kevin said everything went really well. "I don't know how that happened," says Martin. Me neither. I mean, Vic has a sense of humour, for god's sake. What an asshole! "Does Peter have to see his father?" says Cecilia, who doesn't even have a dog in this fight, for crying out loud. RevCam makes some noise about how most kids want to see their fathers, even if their fathers are the worst human beings imaginable. Or something. Then he says that since they all love Peter, they're going to try to love Vic. "So what's your plan?" says Lucy. "All will be revealed in due time," says RevCam. Here's a plan for you all: stop being arseholes.
Annie's reading in the den when RevCam strides in. She's reading Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage by Alice Munro, which made me sad, because there's more genuine emotion and more talent on any single page of that book than in all the 7th Heaven scripts put together. She asks what RevCam knows about the group Chandler's helping out. RevCam says they're very "nice people with something to teach us all" in that weird television-episode-summary style of speaking on this show, and right away I knew they were talking about retarded people. Annie's all, something to teach us about loving Vic? RevCam's all, uh-huh. And they prattle on a little bit more until Annie convinces RevCam to call Chandler to explain how this will all be to his benefit, or some other contrived explanation. Yeah, we haven't spent enough time on the telephone for my liking.
Chandler picks up, and he already knew that RevCam arranged for the charity work, and I'd say it took Chandler a lot longer to figure that out than it should have, considering that RevCam is the only one who knew about the C-Team in the first place. And I think it says a lot about RevCam usually having an ulterior motive when Chandler wants to know what's up RevCam's sleeve. But RevCam doesn't say anything, and we cut to...
Ruthie heading up the stairs to the Treehouse, and you can practically see her counting the steps to her mark, where she then looks up and asks if she can come up, and she's carrying a pie for Lucy and Kevin since she didn't want to show up uninvited and empty-handed, and they commiserate some more about what an ass Vic is. Then she recruits Kevin to help with tomorrow's move. He says fine, then goes looking for milk, and since there were two jugs of milk in there earlier, I'm assuming he's kidding when he says they're out of milk. "Could you get it, Kevin? I need a sister right now," says Ruthie, who then turns and studiously makes her way to her mark and flops on the bed. She whines to Lucy about how angry Peter has been since his dad came around, and Lucy tries to explain how tough this is for Peter, that he was scared and angry before talking to his dad, and Ruthie says she's surprised he wasn't more scared and angry after talking to his dad, and I am quickly getting fed up with these people. Vic? Is NOT THAT BAD, and if anything, these people's refusals to give him anything resembling a chance is only going to make things worse, so when Lucy lectures Ruthie on how everybody has to get to know Vic before knowing whether he can be a positive influence on Peter's life, and how it's none of their business anyway, I was turning on the oven so I could stick my head in it, if only because some posters have said this isn't even the worst episode of the season. Also, we're getting close to the final fifteen saccharine and condescending minutes of this show, and I had no idea how awful it was about to become. Lucy says their dad's plan to get them all to accept Vic will be made clear tomorrow. They hug, and Ruthie leaves.
Kevin comes up, and we find out that they did indeed still have milk, so Lucy thanks him. I guess Kevin couldn't have just excused himself so Ruthie and Lucy could talk; he had to concoct some reason to leave the apartment. My wife and sister-in-law want to talk? Not good enough. I want milk? Time to leave! The phone rings, and it's that blonde cop again, only she's not in uniform and she's on one of those horrible fake outdoor sets, and she tells Kevin that Vic is squeaky clean, that he doesn't even have so much as a parking ticket, which is a surprise to Kevin, as I'm sure it will be to the rest of the Camdens, who seem positive that Vic must have done some time for murdering babies. NYPD Blonde says, "There's nothing wrong with him." "Oh, there's plenty wrong with him, there's just nothing legally wrong with him," says Kevin, like, how much do all these supposed Christians and their self-righteousness and sanctimony and hypocrisy remind me why I stopped attending church?
You know what we need? Another phone call. Because those aren't boring to watch at all. Ruthie calls Peter to say goodnight, and maybe she's been giving him "tips" on how to act like he's having a phone conversation, because now he's staring spookily off-screen. They both apologize for being jerks to each other, and then Ruthie says she hopes he still has room for her in his life now that his father has shown up, and he says "always," but warns her that he expects his life will be like a roller coaster now that Vic's here, and that was bad enough, but he goes on for a little while about this stupid roller coaster simile, and all I want to know is if Brenda Hampton has ever listened to teenagers talk? Ever? And he tells Ruthie that they're coming over to help with the move, and asks her not to judge his dad if he gets angry and mean, and I hate to tell Peter that that ship has sailed. Commercials.
Moving day. Chandler is helping an older man lift what are obviously empty boxes off the back of the truck, and we find out to no one's surprise that yes, it's a group of mentally handicapped people who are moving into a new group home. And I can't even begin to express my contempt for Brenda Hampton's exploitation of these people by portraying them all as simple, benign angels who can teach us all about what's Really Important. And it wouldn't be so bad if every single one of the Camdens and their converts didn't have to act like it's some kind of epiphany. I mean, each one of them, over the course of the ten minutes, makes this horrible "this person may be mentally handicapped, but they're Just Like Us!" face. So I'm really going to gloss over this section and let you know that Chandler feels good for helping people. If I could, I would have given the episode an F-plus instead of a straight F because, when the Camdens and Company show up and pile out of the minivan, one of Hampton's Angels says, "Looks like a clown car!" much to the delight of his friends (and myself). Paris strolls over to Chandler. "Is Peter coming with you or is he coming with his dad?" says Chandler. Is Peter with her, Assistant Pastor Shithead? Isn't that your answer?
And horizons expand! Lessons are learned! Camdens are humbled in the beatific glow of Hampton's Special People! Feelings are spoken and issues addressed! Camdens are shamed (for not thinking of offering Paris any sympathy for what she's going through). And in case people are too stupid to pick up on all the fucking lesson-learning going on, people ACTUALLY SAY THINGS LIKE, "I think this is one of the many lessons my dad was hoping we'd learn here today," which is an actual quote. It's been said before, by others who have gone before me, but fuck this fucking show.
Peter and Vic show up, finally, and Peter's all excited because his dad (you know, the asshole?) has something for the home, and Vic pulls out this crappy painting of clouds and sky and birds, and if this painting is anything to judge by, those art students of his are getting ripped right off. And speaking of ripped, Vic rips the painting as he pulls it out of the back of his station wagon, prompting him to throw a temper tantrum, using the worst insults he can think of, or at least the worst insults allowed on the WB. Moron, jackass, et cetera. When he's finished berating himself, Hampton's Angels praise the picture. So what if it's not perfect? Nothing's perfect! No one's perfect! But everyone deserves love! And the Angels surround Peter and hug him and thank him for the painting, and Vic's heart grows three sizes or so, just like that.
And since everyone's assembled on the lawn watching instead of, I don't know, MOVING BOXES, we can resolve all the hurt feelings all in one shot, and we do that annoying kind of resolution scene where everyone takes turns stating what they've learned and apologizing/hugging/forgiving/nodding as the situation warrants. At least Martin wants to take one of Hampton's Angels to the batting cages, which is nice. LIKE WE'LL EVER SEE THEM IN THE CAMDENS' LIVES AGAIN.
I have a secret for you all. Sara M isn't moving. She RAN AWAY.