I guess even the writers of this show are sick of it, so they've changed things up a bit this week. Again. I thought we already went through our "different" episode of the season with that college application Simon did with Mario Paint, but apparently not. So now we get to watch long-gone cast member Barry Watson and his wife, Plot Contrivance, live their exciting lives as medical students in the big city. It was written and directed by a real doctor who's also worked on ER, and will take place almost entirely in an ER. I tried to trick Heathen into doing this, saying it was an ER Extra, but she didn't fall for it. Damn. Anyway, I'm sure this evil show is airing this particular episode on this particular week because Brenda knew this was my last week working at the hospital, so watching this would make me all sad and remorseful about quitting.
We open in Matt and PC's rather large New York City apartment. Matt and PC are studying up for their first shift as medical students in the emergency room tomorrow. Well, Matt's studying; PC is whining about how she can't find an orientation manual or whatever. Matt has already read his cover-to-cover and memorized it, whereas PC has yet to look at hers. Those two -- they're so wacky and different, but they still find a way to make it work out! Zzzz. Matt starts saying something about angina, a word that still cracks me up, as PC whines some more about which shoes she should wear. Eventually, she realizes that she's not the only person in the world, which does not, in fact, revolve around her, and asks Matt how he can be so calm and organized. Matt responds by whipping out a big black old-timey doctor's bag. PC says people are going to make fun of him for having one of those, but Matt says it's a gift from his parents, so he's going to use it. But, Matt -- your parents are really lame. Matt decides to turn in for the night, while PC says she's going to stay up studying for a while longer. Matt tells her not to worry her pretty little head about anything; he can cover for her. What a gentleman. All she has to do is set their alarm for 5 AM.
Which, of course, she doesn't. Matt wakes up at 6:30 and freaks out because he has to be at the hospital in thirty minutes. Fortunately, they're able to get ready in mere seconds with the assistance of a really cheesy clock-wipe. That's right up there with the split-screen phone conversations as Indications that the 7H Special Effects Team Needs to Retire. Hey -- Matt and PC still have those Japanese screens from his swingin' bachelor pad! Seems kind of impractical to lug those all the way across country, but, you know, sometimes it's worth it to have something that reminds you of home. Matt can't find his stethoscope; PC says she was using it last night to listen to her own heart, because she suspects she has a heart murmur. Hypochondriac. And shouldn't she have her own stethoscope? Matt grabs PC's white coat and notices that she's using her maiden name on her ID badge. He asks her when she decided on this; she avoids the subject. Not that there's anything wrong with keeping one's "maiden" name after marriage, but PC really should have told Matt she was going to do this before their first day of work.
On their way out the door, Matt's cell phone rings. It's Annie. It takes a while for Matt to figure out who she is, which was pretty funny, then he panics because his mother is calling him at 3:30 AM Glenoak time, so maybe his dad had another heart attack or something. But no -- Annie's just being her usual dependent self. She's up getting SamVid some special kitchen water and decided to give her son a call while she was at it, even though it's 6:30, New York time, which would be about the worst time to call a student. At 6:30, you're either trying to sleep through a hangover or finish a paper that you really should have started earlier. And what a doormat Annie is! My mother would never have tolerated me waking her up and demanding water from the kitchen sink. Annie says that PC gave her Matt's new cell phone number, to which Matt gets all mad at PC because he got the cell phone to avoid his crappy family in the first place. Annie passes the phone off to SamVid, who make a brave attempt at human conversation. Matt hangs up on them. Ha! PC and Matt bicker about how PC told his family his new number on purpose because she was sick them calling and tying up their phone line. I hope they have the new AT&T One Rate calling plan, with all their calls out of state.
Hey, Matt's back in the opening credits, bumping poor old Lucy back to fourth position. And Martin's not there at all. There's a drinking game here, somewhere.
The Opening Credits Timewaster is one long shot of the ER filled with bustling activity. Meanwhile, The Guitar of In Over Its Head plays dramatic ER-style music. The Piano and Soprano Saxophone rally to help their friend, but to no avail. After a particularly exciting shot of some lady counting charts, then dumping them on a desk, Matt and PC burst into the place, only ten minutes late. Some blonde lady mistakes them for patients, which you can't really blame her for, seeing as in this ER, they let the patients go anywhere they want while they're waiting to see a doctor. Like some guy with a headache, who just walks right up behind the lady and inside her desk area, where he's probably seeing confidential medical information. Ah, the realism that comes with having a real doctor write and direct! The blonde lady shoos the guy away, telling PC that he's a regular who likes "the big D." "The big D?" PC repeats. In that patient's case, it stands for Demerol, though in PC's case, it stands for "duh." And in the blonde lady's case, it stands for "don't tell random people confidential medical information, idiot." Another blonde lady walks up (although she's wearing a stethoscope and scrubs, while the other blonde is just wearing regular clothes, so the scrubs blonde must be super-important) and tells Matt and PC that she just saw a group of students heading down the hall.
Matt and PC manage to find their class by running into its teacher. As they get settled, he explains that they're looking at a patient with asthma and "increasing SOB." "SOB?" says PC, all scandalized and thinking that the doctor totally just called his patient a son of a bitch. What an idiot. Even I know that that means "shortness of breath," and I only see that term when I'm snooping around the ER patient complaints, hoping to catch something funny like "swollen penis." Dr. Teacher tells Matt to listen to the patient's lungs, to which Matt is sad to report that he doesn't have a stethoscope. Because he left it on the subway. With his black bag. Which the rest of the group makes fun of him for having. Well, sort of. One guy just says, "Wow…a black bag," with a sarcastic smirk on his face. He looks kind of stoned, too. Dr. Teacher points out that all the other medical students managed to bring their stethoscopes, then pulls Nurse Debi "How Did This Happen to Me" Mazar aside (addressing her as "Nurse Kelly," like, are nurses commonly referred to by their job title and then their first name?), and orders her to give Matt her pretty pink stethoscope, which has a little stuffed animal on it. I tend to think that a nurse is going to need her stethoscope a lot more than a second-year med student, but whatever. Dr. Teacher scolds PC and Matt for being late and unprepared, but Matt's too busy listening to the patient's chest to pay him any mind. So he yanks the stethoscope out of Matt's ear and yells into it. Dr. Teacher is now Dr. Assbeard. Because he's an ass, and he has a beard, and that beard is in and of itself pretty assy, so…Dr. Assbeard. Matt spits out some medical jargon about what he heard in the patient's lungs, to which Dr. Assbeard makes a sarcastic reply. Then Matt's cell phone rings. The patient, obviously someone who, like me, hates hearing other people's cell phones ring, begs Matt to answer his phone.
It's RevCam, who's making himself a sandwich. Does anyone really make sandwiches for midnight snacks besides Dagwood from the "Blondie" comic strip? I'm never coordinated enough for such an undertaking that late at night. Eric's up ridiculously early in the morning because Annie and the twins woke him up, and he decided to call Matt because he found his number on the fridge. That reminds me, tomorrow I need to wake up at four in the morning and call all the numbers I have on my refrigerator, because that totally makes sense. Not. Matt tells his dad that he's very busy right now, so could RevCam please take the phone number off the fridge and stop calling him unless it's an emergency. Then he slams the giant cell phone antenna back into the phone and hangs up. RevCam shakes his head, then takes the number off the fridge and puts it in a kitchen drawer. Wow, he did what Matt asked him to. I'm impressed. Although he might just be putting it away from safe-keeping until he can get a neon sign made out of it.
Dr. Assbeard tells Matt to turn off his stupid phone, then continues with the tour of the ER. Matt panics to PC that he doesn't know how to turn his phone off. And he's supposed to be the smartest member of the family. Dr. Assbeard introduces the students to the blonde scrubs lady from before, "Dr. Lisa Sterling," who's a resident. Dr. Sterling will be assigning them patients, from which they have to take histories, do physicals, draw bloods, and get lab results. "Scut work," says one of the students. Assbeard doesn't go off on the guy for having such a 'tude, because the guy isn't Matt and Assbeard only hates Matt. Instead, he warns the students not to fob their work off on the nurses. Then he gets paged to a meeting and runs away. Dr. Sterling leads the students off to draw blood while the other blonde lady comments to Debi Mazar that the students "are like vampires." Ew -- are they expected to get blood by sucking it out of the patients' necks? That doesn't seem safe.
Clock-wipe into PC jabbing a needle into some poor guy, who registers his displeasure with her poor phlebotomy skills. She apologizes, to which Dr. Sterling lectures that she should never apologize -- it's a sign of weakness. Yeah, and courtesy. I hate doctors. The patient complains again, so Matt steps up and volunteers to try. PC looks mildly annoyed, as well she should. Dr. Sterling gives Matt one chance to do it, promising the patient that she'll draw the blood herself if he can't get it. Of course, Matt nails it on his first try and holds the full vial up triumphantly while the patient sings Matt's praises. Except that the tube wasn't labeled with the patient's name, which means that people like me down in the lab will get it and throw it out, then tell to ER to re-collect the specimen in a properly labeled tube. So, nice one, Matt. Dr. Assbeard walks in and tries not to look impressed. Everyone leaves, and PC hangs back to ask Matt if he's going to "tell them." Tell them what? It's a mystery for act two of the script to solve. Enjoy the suspense, even though it's at such low levels that only dogs can sense it. Matt says he needs to be as impressive as possible after starting things off so badly. Then his cell phone rings. Could this subplot get any less interesting? Apparently so, because Lucy's on the phone, being as she is in the numerical order of Camdens. She asks Matt if he wants to talk to his little sister who "loves and misses" him. Matt doesn't, so he snaps at her to throw his number away, and hangs up. Lucy tries to toss the phone number in the unrealistically tiny kitchen wastebasket, which is just as unrealistically sitting in the middle of the floor. Since she's not a basketball all-star like Mary, she totally misses. And since she's an uninspired performer, she makes a cartoonish angry face and turns on her heel.
Dr. Sterling hands assignments out to the students. One girl, named "Liu" (way to go that extra mile and take Asian names from Ally McBeal, there, writers), gets a patient with a sore throat and brags that her time as a volunteer in a free clinic means that she's done tons of strep screens before. The sarcastic student gets a sprained ankle, and the remaining student, "Sinatra" (huh?), gets a guy with constipation. Then a gunshot wound patient rolls in through the front doors. Like a good doctor, Sterling decides that the man must be a "gangbanger," but the paramedic says he's just a bystander. That's what you get for making assumptions, Sterling. Matt asks if he can watch the action, but Dr. Sterling tells him to concentrate on his own work. Sinatra bitches about how his constipation case isn't ER material, but since he's going into "G.I" (gastrointestinal), "what the hell?" Did he say "hell?" I'm telling Brenda! Matt and PC look at their cases. PC got an elderly nursing home patient with an altered mental state, and Matt got a young guy who thinks he's Napoleon and is requesting asylum. Oh, hilarious jokes made at the expense of the mentally ill. PC and Matt decide to trade cases, because Matt says that PC should be right at home with a man who's manic and has delusions of grandeur, because her dad is just like that. PC does not get a chance to describe to Matt what his father's mental problems are, as that would take the rest of the episode. She does, however, get another nag in about how Matt should tell everyone that he works in the lab part-time and that's how he knows so much about blood-drawing. Whatever, PC; you're just jealous because lab techs rule.
Matt's patient, "Mr. McNeil," has decided that Matt's a priest, and won't let anyone tell him otherwise, no matter how loudly Matt screams that he's a med student. Nurse Debi snarks to Matt that the man might be confused, but he's not deaf. Then she tells Matt to get the man's medical history by looking through all his charts. Mr. McNeil tells Debi that she makes a very attractive nun. Debi rather unsympathetically puts his oxygen mask back over his face and tells him to be quiet.
PC's patient is a weight-lifter who knows enough nineteenth century history to have convinced himself that he's Napoleon. He wants political asylum before England ships him off to Elba. And then he starts saying the typical television-crazy-people stuff about how Tony Blair put a receiver in his head or whatever. Suddenly, he rips his shirt off and yells that he needs a green card. Interestingly enough, this is almost exactly how my dad proposed to my mother. PC has apparently never seen a man's chest before, because she reacts by bugging her eyes out, taking a few steps back, calling for security, and averting her eyes. What a prude. Also, that scene was really stupid and pointless.
Back at the CamPound, Officer Kinkirk is searching the kitchen wastebasket. Why? I have no idea. Of course, he finds Matt's phone number and decides to call it. Matt's cell phone rings at the hospital, and he picks up and says, "Please, God, stop calling me." But it's not God; it's Kevin. Pretty easy mistake to make, though (snerk). Kevin wants to know "what the heck is wrong" with his brother-in-law. And also why he can't manage to turn his own cell phone off: "Shouldn't you be able to use a cell phone before you're allowed to work with patients?" Kevin asks. Burn on you, Matt. Except that Kevin's not exactly at the tippity-top of his chosen profession, either, what with letting Roxanne get "stabbed" when he wasn't paying attention, so he really has no right to talk. Anyway, he called because he's mad at Matt for making his wife cry. Matt says Lucy's always crying, then hangs up on Kevin. Kevin puts the phone number back on the fridge. Then, hopefully, he goes back to his wife and tells her to fight her own battles and stop being such a wimpy baby.
At the main desk, the blonde receptionist pulls out the huge folders containing Mr. McNeil's medical history as medical student Liu is complaining that she did the strep screen that she was so proud of being able to do, but it came out negative, so now she's clueless. Matt suggests asking about mono exposure. Liu thanks him for the advice, because she's so stupid she didn't think of that as an option. Dr. Sterling asks Matt how he's doing; Matt says his patient has a fever and low blood pressure. "Circling the drain!" the receptionist cheerfully calls out. Sterling scolds her lightly. The hell? I get in trouble for saying that an 81-year-old man who just got diagnosed with syphilis is "pretty awesome," and this lady can loudly state, in front of other patients and their families, that Mr. McNeil is about to kick the bucket and nothing happens to her? PC runs in, all upset because her patient just got sedated before she could finish her examination. Yeah, and whose fault is that, you security-calling puritan? Matt calls the sedative "vitamin H," as in "haldol," which causes PC to bitch, yet again, about how Matt works in the lab and has seen all this before, so he's at an advantage. Well, either that or the fact that he's watched one episode of ER, since you can find all these terms and facts there. Dr. Assbeard comes back and orders PC to go back to her patient, who's currently hurling family-friendly insults at the security staff. Dr. Assbeard half-compliments Matt on his blood-drawing skills, at which point Matt half-tries to tell him about his lab experience, until Assbeard gets a phone call, letting Matt off the confession hook.
Matt returns to Mr. McNeil, who's looking pretty bad nowadays, and says that the medical history is too long for him to deal with. Hey, Matt -- suck it up. He wants to ask the patient's family instead. Nurse Debi says that, as the guy came in from a nursing home, his family probably abandoned him there. That's right: if you send a family member to a nursing home, you're not trying to make sure he gets the best medical care; you're abandoning him. Thanks for the tip, 7th Heaven! Now, when my parents get old and start having difficulties living on their own, I'll just leave my children in the arms of a teenager, drop everything, and fly to Arizona to visit them every few weeks. That's much better for everyone. Suddenly, McNeil's blood pressure drops and his fever rises. Debi suggests getting a resident, but Matt says that Dr. Sterling is "swamped" with work. Maybe this hospital needs to start staffing some more doctors and stop letting stupid medical students do work they're entirely unqualified for. Matt tries to listen to McNeil's lungs, but can't hear them because McNeil is lying down. Matt asks Nurse Debi to lift him up. She says she doesn't think that's a good idea when his blood pressure is so low, but does it anyway, even though, as Assbeard said, she is under no obligation to follow his orders if she doesn't want to. Of course, McNeil's heart rate drops and he goes into v-fib. Matt starts freaking out: "What do I do?" Nurse Debi takes control and orders him to get a crash cart while the Dramatic Piano plays.
Matt has no idea where the crash cart is, so he runs around the ER looking for it like a chicken with his greasy head cut off. After a few suspense-free moments, Dr. Assbeard finds him and yells at him, not for killing his patient, but for not ordering Nurse Debi to get the crash cart. Right, and what was Matt going to do with Mr. McNeil while Nurse Debi looked for a crash cart? Cry and run around in circles? That's not going to help anyone. They get back to McNeil, where, fortunately, Dr. Sterling has already arrived and gotten him breathing again. Dr. Assbeard asks Matt if he checked the patient's BP before examining him; Matt says he didn't. Wait -- didn't he? Didn't Nurse Debi tell him that it was ninety over sixty? Which she knew because McNeil was hooked up to machines that monitor it? Matt's a liar. Oh, hilarity -- his phone rings again. Without speaking, Dr. Assbeard throws it in the dirty laundry bin, where it continues to ring audibly and probably disturb any and all nearby patients.
And guess who's on the other end of the phone? That's right -- it's Ruthie, who tells Peter that she's going to just let the phone ring until Matt picks up. Peter piles about six brownies on his plate (either the kid's going through a growth spurt or Paris forgot to make him dinner this week. Again.) and wonders if Matt might be too busy with medical school to talk to his horrible sister. Ruthie says there's no way Matt could ever be too busy to talk to her. Um…why aren't those two at school?
The sarcastic student makes fun of Matt for almost killing his first patient. Dr. Sterling yells at him, but the receptionist applauds his efforts to "lighten the mood." I hate the receptionist. Sterling apologizes to Matt for not listening to him before. Instead of graciously accepting the apology, Matt makes a remark about how he was told that apologies are a sign of weakness. Dr. Sterling gives him a new patient -- a woman with a rash. Matt gets all huffy that she's giving him easy cases because she thinks he can't handle the tough ones. Which it's become increasingly obvious to everyone that he can't, so he really shouldn't be complaining.
We clock-wipe to Matt entering his rash patient's stall. Her name is Pam, but "Penny Perfect" is her stage name. And we see she has make-up on, as well as a very low-cut sweater. You can practically see her collarbone! Obviously, she's a stripper, and her trade has caused her to get a sinful STD. "I'm a m-m-m-m-medical s-s-student," Matt stammers lamely. Clock-wipe to Matt, finished with his examination of Pam's rash, throwing back the curtain looking like a deer caught in headlights. Vagina headlights, that is. And he really needs to get over that if he's still planning on being a gynecologist. Also, this doesn't answer the question, "Do Matt and PC ever have sex?" You know, what with her freaking out over a man his shirt off and his inability to deal with examining a women's vagina and all. Dr. Sterling and the other students, who apparently have nothing to do despite all the claims that the ER is really busy, are waiting to greet him and laugh at him. Sterling explains that Pam likes to come into the ER once a month to check out the new residents. I guess strippers get really good medical insurance.
The paramedics wheel in an unresponsive old lady. Matt and PC grab the stretcher and walk with it like the doctor wannabes they are. Sterling orders lab tests whose names I totally recognize and am currently trying to figure out which blood collection tubes to use for each test. For the chemistry panel, a tube with serum separator gel is preferable, although a plain, non-additive tube can also be used. For the CBC, a five-millimeter tube with an EDTA additive must be used. And for the urine toxicology screen, a plain urine collection tube can be used. Please do not use a sterile jar, because those always open up during transit to the lab and then the piss spills all over me and makes me barf. Accompanying the new patient is another old lady, named Marie, who claims to be her friend. She says that the patient just collapsed while they were going for a walk. Then she acts "upset" by standing around with her mouth open. Sterling and the students leave Marie behind and move into a trauma room. We get a close-up shot of the "old" lady, and maybe it's just those bright overheard hospital lights, but she looks way younger than the sixty-five years old they said she was. Dr. Assbeard comes in and asks the students questions about what they should do , then makes fun of their answers when they're wrong. Dr. Assbeard asks if anyone wants to try intubating the patient; PC volunteers, but then Matt says that he's practiced doing it on a CPR head. And CPR heads, being as they are thin shells of plastic, are a lot like human heads, so Matt must be much more qualified than anyone else. Dr. Assbeard falls for Matt's line and tells him that if the patient needs to be intubated, he'll let Matt do it. Right now, he needs Matt to get a medical history from Marie.
Matt meets Marie out in the hall and asks if the patient has any family. "No, there's just me," says Marie. Hmmm…I'm beginning to suspect that Marie and the patient are a little more than friends. Marie says that she and the patient have been -door neighbors for forty years, and they "look after" each other. Yeah, if by "-door neighbors" you mean "-bed neighbors," and by "look after each other" you mean -- actually, I'm not going to go there. Marie says that they're both widowed and both of their kids "stink." Way to negate what you just said about the patient having no family, there, writers. I mean, "Marie." Matt asks if the patient has had any other medical problems, like heart trouble or "a stroke." Marie gets all upset because she assumes by Matt's use of the word "" that her friend has had a stroke. Nice one, Matt. Suddenly, Marie gets weak and has to sit down. Matt asks her if she's okay; she says she's diabetic and needs to eat. Dr. Assbeard runs out and asks Matt if he's found out anything. Hey, Assbeard, I thought doctors were supposed to stay with their patients. Marie asks if her "friend" is going to be okay; Assbeard says, with a smile, that since Marie isn't family, he can't tell her anything. Matt "HIPPA what? Patient confidentiality who?" Camden says that, since Marie and the patient are neighbors, he's "sure it would be okay." Assbeard responds that unless Marie's got a power of attorney, it's not. Fortunately for everyone, Marie does, in fact, have a power of attorney in her pocketbook, "on account of [she and her 'friend'] look after each other." Dude, they are so dating. Assbeard pulls Matt aside and scolds him for being nice to Marie instead of getting the patient's medical history. Assbeard claims that it's the nurse's job to do the "handholding," although I'm sure Nurse Debi and a bunch of real-life nurses would tend to disagree. In fact, I can personally vouch for the fact that most nurses would rather eat your hand than hold it. Matt tells him that Marie needs some food because of her diabetes; Assbeard tells him to let the nurses worry about that. Nurse Debi comes out and says that the patients' vitals are dropping. Assbeard and Matt walk back to the room as Marie runs up, waving her little power of attorney form. Give it a rest, Marie. She demands to see her friend; Matt says she will as soon as possible. Then they stare at each other sadly for a few seconds. I guess that was a profound moment or something. This show is so boring that my emotions have become numb. Matt goes back in the room and gets to do his little intubation trick as Marie and Nurse Debi watch from outside.
Matt and one of the other students get some lunch. Sinatra praises Matt on his intubation ability. Liu asks Matt where the CPR practice head is; Matt says it's in a room to the hematology lab. Sinatra asks Matt how he found that place, at which point PC butts in and pointedly wonders how Matt found a room to the lab as well. The unfunny sarcastic receptionist comes in and tells everyone that lunch is over. Why is she allowed to boss them around?
There's a clock-wipe to the old lady being wheeled into another room; apparently her condition is worse. You know what? I'm beginning to look forward to the clock-wipe. Compared to the rest of the show, it's hugely entertaining. I'm going to start cheering when I see it, like one would when his team scores a touchdown in a football game. The group walks by Marie, who tries her best to look all kinds of shocked and upset. This fades (no clock-wipe? Booo!) to Assbeard, Matt, and Marie. Assbeard tells Marie that her friend suffered a "massive stroke." Matt asks Marie if he can do anything for her; she says she needs to go home and feed her dog. Nice priorities, Marie. Assbeard tells Matt to walk Marie to the desk and get a nurse to "assist" her. They'll go home with her and feed her dog? I need to start going to the ER more often. "Um, yeah, I have a headache, and my kitchen is really dirty. Could you send a nurse to clean it? Thanks so much!" Assbeard apologizes to Marie for the bad news with a big ol' smile on his face. Hey, do you think the writers are trying to tell us that Dr. Assbeard has a bad bedside manner? And that he doesn't really care about his patients? I can't really figure it out. Matt tries to walk Marie to the desk, but she insists on seeing her friend right now. Then she gets dizzy, but says she's fine even though she's obviously going to die before the episode ends. Oh, sorry to spoil that for you, one person on this planet who couldn't see that coming a mile away. Matt leads Marie to her friend's room, and waits outside with Nurse Debi.
Matt and Debi talk. Matt thanks her for the stethoscope, then asks if the ER is like "this" every day. Debi says it's usually worse. She bitches and moans about her job and how she has to take care of fifteen patients a day, and then when she comes in the morning, there are fifteen new ones. She says she would just like to come in to work one day and have there be no patients so she could say she fixed everyone. Who would she say that to? The unemployment office, I guess, since that's where she'll be heading if the ER ever does run out of patients. Matt asks her what makes her come back in the morning. "That 'one thing'? What's your one thing, Dr. Camden?" Debi manages to ask without answering the question first posed to her. Before Matt can avoid answering her question by asking her one, there's a loud crash from the old lady's room, where Marie has fallen over and managed to take a few medical supplies to the floor with her. Debi picks up a phone and tells whoever answered it that she needs a doctor -- "now!" Then she hangs up before she can say where the doctor is needed.
Clock-wipe (woooo!) to Marie being wheeled into a stall with Assbeard. Seriously, though, doesn't this hospital have any other doctors? No wonder the guy's so cranky. He orders some lab tests that I will spare you from hearing any more useless information about. Matt mentions that Marie is diabetic; Assbeard snaps that this is useful information, and when was Matt planning on sharing it with everyone else? Matt says he did, when he was asking her for her friend's history. That's true, he did do that. Assbeard orders PC to give Marie a glucose IV. She does, and Marie instantly regains consciousness. Assbeard congratulates PC on her first "medical miracle" and gives her Marie's chart for the work-up. Then he orders a (non-Debi) nurse to get Marie some food, and leaves. PC offers to let Matt do the work-up; Matt declines, saying that PC is the one who saved her. Saved her, my ass. She injected a glucose IV. Anyone with working fingers, or at the very least working toes, could do that. PC wants to know what bothers Matt about the fact that she saved a patient. Matt walks away before he can answer that PC's sudden proficiency at medicine makes him feel like less of a man.
Asslee, who has once again ditched class to do some slave labor at the CamPound, is scrubbing away at the Camden sink and holding a phone up to her ear. I wonder if Asslee's teachers have become concerned enough about her frequent absences to organize an intervention, or a deprogramming session. Chandler walks right on into the house and asks for RevCam. Asslee says he's already made his one appearance for the episode, so he's off-screen. Asslee leaves to get RevCam, handing the phone off to Chandler and explaining that Ruthie is waiting for Matt to pick it up, so if he does, Chandler has to take it up to Ruthie's room, where she and Peter are "doing homework." Actually, they probably really are doing homework. Chandler stands around for a while, then realizes that there's food to be had and devours the last brownie.
Back in the ER, Dr. Sterling is yelling at the lab for being late with the tox screen results. Stupid bitch -- nine times out of ten, the results are delayed because of mistakes made in the ER. Like not labeling the blood, or labeling it with the wrong name. Or sending blood but not ordering the tests in the computer, or vice-versa. And last, but certainly not least, there's the ever-popular letting specimens sit on the counter for a while until someone decides to actually send them to the lab. And then they have the nerve to call and yell at the lab for being "late" with the results. I liked Sterling before, but now I hate her, and I'll be calling her Dr. Bitchface for the rest of the recap. Bitchface asks PC if she's dating Matt. PC admits that they "know each other," but won't say much more. Bitchface says Matt's cute, and she's glad to hear that he's available for dating. I won't make fun of Bitchface for finding Matt attractive, since he does look a thousand times better with the short hair. Bitchface complains about the fact that the lab has had her on hold "forever" (and why could that be, Bitchface? Possibly because you're yelling at them and they have much more to deal with than the stupid tox screen that you probably bungled up in the first place? Damn straight they put you on hold), then gives the phone to PC and orders her to write down the tox results whenever the lab gets back to her. Matt walks up and asks if they can talk, but then the lab finally comes back to the phone with the results, so PC has to go.
Clock-wipe (woooo!) to Marie looking at her food tray but not eating anything. Oh, just die already, Marie. She whines to Matt that she wants to go home and feed her dog. Marie doesn't like being in the ER; it's "too quiet." She says she's used to hearing noise because her friend is "a talker," and she was always, of course, talking about "that one thing." What one thing? Let's allow Marie to clarify: "The one thing that she could really be good at, the one thing that would make her stand out; her contribution to life." She's tried painting, writing, and running, but never had any success. Don't be too upset, Marie; maybe your friend had the best stroke ever. Assbeard spies on Matt and Marie from between the curtains. He is so going to become Matt's surrogate father. Matt tells Marie that if she wants to talk, he'll listen. Marie says that Matt can talk, and she'll listen. Assbeard strolls in and says that no one is going to talk or listen because the students have to meet at the desk. As he leaves, Marie thanks him. Matt says he "didn't do anything." That's the first thing Matt and I have ever agreed on.
And we're back in the CamPound, because some of the contract cast members have yet to do their weekly walk-on roles. Specifically Roxanne, who enters the kitchen with Lucy in tow. They see Chandler, and Roxanne the Pathetic remarks that it's awfully coincidental that he would come over when Roxanne and Lucy have their weekly pizza night. Chandler gives Roxanne the phone and Asslee's instructions, then leaves. Lucy grabs the phone and hangs it up while Roxanne stares at Chandler's receding form with a blank expression. I can't believe the phone was ringing for that long. Isn't there some kind of recording that picks up after thirty rings and tells you to give it up already?
The students give Assbeard their "H and P" reports on their three cases. Except for Matt, who only has two H and Ps. Assbeard asks what happened to his third one. Matt says that "someone" took that case over before he could finish. Assbeard gets pissed and asks Matt if he's just having a really bad day, or if this is the best he can do. "Neither," says Matt. Assbeard tells the group that, to learn how to care for patients, they have to care "a little less" about them. Nurse Debi walks by and rolls her eyes, saying that "that's brilliant." How rude. And dumb -- isn't Assbeard kind of her boss? I'm sure he could get her fired if he really wanted to. Assbeard rather generously gives Matt until five tomorrow to do his work for today and tomorrow. Matt looks like he's going to cry, and I do feel a little bit bad for him. Everyone scatters, and PC invites Matt out with the rest of the students to celebrate their first day in the ER. Matt declines. PC says that he's off the clock, and he needs to start acting like part of the group instead of trying to look better than everyone. Matt dramatically takes the pink stethoscope off, but not so dramatically that the little stuffed animal attached to it comes loose.
He gives the stethoscope back to Debi, who's treating a boy with a cut on his leg. She comments that he's out of work early. Matt says he just worked eleven hours. Debi says that nurses work twelve. Yeah, but they only work three days a week, so it's not so bad, is it? Plus, as Matt points out, nurses also get paid. "Not enough," says Debi. Compared to doctors, no. Compared to everyone else, shut up, Nurse Debi. Matt decides to bore us all to tears with a story about when he was the same age as the boy Debi's treating and he got hurt during a race with Mary where he slipped and smacked his head. He went to his doctor's office, who gave him stitches, but forgot to give him anesthetic. Matt never complained, so the doctor said that Matt was the bravest patient he ever had and he should be a doctor when he grew up. This did not, however, inspire Matt to be a doctor, so I don't know what the point of that was. Debi tells Matt not to take Assbeard too seriously, because he's "a jerk," and she knows him "a little too well." Eww. Debi says that Marie was asking for Matt. Matt says he's "off the clock." Suddenly, alarms go off. Debi rushes off, and Matt follows her.
It's Marie, of course. Even though her heart has stopped, Assbeard still has time to make a snippy comment to Matt about how he's following up on his patient. Matt asks Bitchface what happened; she says that the diabetes and stress have created a "cardiac event." That sounds kind of cool. They try to shock her and give her shots, but it doesn't work. Bitchface uses her psychic link with the lab to determine that Marie's electrolyte lab results are "in range." Assbeard says something about how great it is that she died with normal lab results. Maybe he should have ordered creatinine kinase enzyme and troponin tests, which would have shown that Marie was having heart trouble. Assbeard tries to call the time of death; Matt demands that he shock her again. Debi and Bitchface look sad. Assbeard looks annoyed.
Later (I think, although there was no clock-wipe, and I've come to rely on that to tell me whether or not time has passed), Matt runs up to Assbeard and says that Marie shouldn't have died. She told them she was diabetic, but they ignored her. Except not really, since they gave her that glucose IV and some dinner, which she decided not to eat. Assbeard casually says that he wasn't the one who ignored Marie -- Matt was. He never asked a nurse to feed her, so this is his fault. Matt says, angrily, that Assbeard told him not to care. Assbeard can't believe that Matt has "the gall" to blame him for his own mistakes, then calls Matt an "arrogant little know-nothing" who doesn't have the guts to look in a mirror and say that this is his fault. Matt says he may not be the only person who needs to look in a mirror. Assbeard pauses, then yells, "You sanctimonious -- I don't have to! I am the director of this department -- your boss -- and we do things my way!" Bitchface and Receptionist (what, is she working a double shift or something? Go home!) look away. Assbeard tells Matt that the only reason why he's still there is because he's kind of good at drawing blood. Other than that, he's a "walking disaster." Ouch. Matt looks like he's going cry again, but this time I don't really feel bad for him, because he should have kept his mouth shut. From across the room, Nurse Debi shakes her head. Shut up, Nurse Debi. Assbeard says that he's going to make Matt a doctor "in spite of [him]self." Matt chases after Assbeard and says he's wrong. Assbeard tells Matt to leave while he still has a job. Matt says that Assbeard is wrong about his natural mad blood-drawing skillz -- he's a lab tech, and that's how he knew how to draw blood. He's "just the same as the rest of 'em." Yeah, except that they all managed to get their work done and not kill their patients. Assbeard ignores him, so Matt leaves. Some guy walks up and hands him his long (but not long enough for me)-lost cell phone. Oh, good. I was really hoping that subplot would come back one last time.
Matt enters his apartment, where PC is snoozing on the couch. Matt's not alone, though -- he's got a cute little doggy. PC wakes up and asks about the dog. Matt says he was Marie's. Oh my god, Matt totally just stole a dead old lady's pet! That's not good family values…is it? I can't even tell anymore. PC says the apartment is tiny. Not really, but whatever, Spoiled Sally. Matt says the dog is theirs now, pretty much regardless of what PC thinks. PC asks Matt where he's been. Matt says he can't talk about it. Then he notices that his black bag is back. PC says she got it from the Transit Authority lost and found. "All the way downtown?" Matt says. Yes, PC loves Matt enough to go all the way downtown, but not enough to admit to anyone that he's her husband. Funny logic. PC says the guy who turned it in said he "didn't want to mess with someone's destiny." She asks Matt if he's okay. Matt says he doesn't know if he chose the right profession. The dog barks knowingly. Matt continues that he decided to be a gynecologist because he "saw a couple babies being born" when he was a teenager. PC says he's lucky; some people never know what they want to do. Like Marie's friend, for instance. What a waste of flesh she was! Matt doesn't think he was meant to be a doctor. PC tells him not to mess with his destiny. The same shot of the dog barking plays again. And again. God, this show is terrible. PC says that she'll take the dog out for a walk so they can bond. Matt says he needs a little time to himself. PC and the dog leave, but not before PC says that they'll have to talk about "this" eventually. Wow, that scene was kind of well-written, and Barry Watson did a pretty good job with it.
Fortunately, the stupid cell phone rings, thus eliminating any positive feelings I had about this show in one fell swoop. It's Annie, on her way to bed. If she's on her way to bed in California, isn't it, like, midnight in New York City? Annie needs to either learn how to figure out time zones or find a way to manage her dependency on other people a little better. Or both. She asks Matt if everything's okay. He pauses, then tells her that everything's fine. Annie says that everyone loves him. Except Ruthie, who will never forgive him for not answering her precious, precious call. Matt says good night and hangs up. Whatever, Matt -- you totally wasted a perfectly good opportunity to get some sympathy from Mom for your bad day. Matt takes out his stethoscope and listens to his own heart. I don't think he'll be able to hear it over the loud Piano of Destiny. Matt puts the stethoscope back in his black bag and looks sad as the scene fades out. I'd like to go one record as saying that I will be forever impressed if this show makes Matt a nurse, and spares us the whole "nursing is women's work" storyline. I think they owe it to us after making Mary quit firefighter training because she liked boys or whatever.