And welcome to a recap of Simon's video application to college. A lot of people in the forums wondered what the California School of the Arts admissions staff thought when they saw Simon's video, and I'm happy to say that I was actually in the room with them while they watched it and recorded their comments, which I shall reveal for you here in a TWoP exclusive.
We begin with a quotation from the Bible (which part, I don't know, as my station's logo covered that corner of the screen), accompanied by what I believe is a Bach piece. I think it's been redone a bit, since Bach didn't, to my knowledge, write songs for Casio keyboards. The quotation fades into a picture of Simon holding a video camera that I'm almost sure was taken during one of those behind the scenes of 7th Heaven shows.
Admissions Guy 1: Who's this clown?
Admissions Guy 2: Shh! I'm trying to admire the post-modernist statement he's making by pointing a camera at us.
Then we get an exterior shot of the CamPound, because no episode of this show will ever be complete without it. There's some sound effects -- a dog that isn't Happy barking, and some children that aren't the twins laughing. We enter the CamPound, and Simon begins his episode-long narration by explaining that his dad is a "Protestant" minister who moved to Glenoak on his first big assignment shortly after marrying Annie. The CamKids have lived in the CamPound for pretty much their whole lives, Simon says, but sometimes it bothers him that the CamPound isn't actually theirs -- it belongs to the church.
Admissions Guy 1: Did he just bitch about how his family doesn't actually own the humongous mansion they've been able to live in, rent-free, for years?
Admissions Guy 2: What an ass.
Simon says he wants to be rich someday, which should happen, as he's known as the Bank of Simon, and then he can buy the house and keep it in the family. I'll bet the minister who would have gotten that place, but now has to settle for living in Lou's basement, will really appreciate that. Simon tells the long version of how he got Happy. We then see a picture of Ruthie in all her six-year-old, curly-haired, gap-toothed glory.
Admissions Guy 2: How does he have a Hispanic sister?
Admissions Guy 1: Adoption.
“ 'I'm glad Simon put up a picture of Kevin in his police uniform, otherwise I wouldn't have known what he meant when he said Kevin was a cop. Because I'm totally stupid.' ”
Simon informs us that he and Ruthie shared a room "for a long time," in a tone that suggests that he wouldn't mind going back to that sleeping arrangement. I know, don't try to think too hard about that one. There's a picture of Simon with that awful bowl-cut he sported for three seasons. He says that he's closest to Ruthie because he's been through a lot with her. This is represented by a picture of the two suffering from what appears to be the Ebola virus, but is probably just what happens when you ask the worst make-up team in the world to create chicken pox. Simon says that Ruthie is saner than his other sisters. He tells us about Lucy, who's married to Kevin (picture of the two on their wedding day) who's a cop (picture of Kevin in uniform).
Admissions Guy 1: What's up with that guy? He kind of looks like a robot.
Admissions Guy 2: I'm glad Simon put up a picture of Kevin in his police uniform, otherwise I wouldn't have known what he meant when he said Kevin was a cop. Because I'm totally stupid.
Also, Lucy wants to be a minister. Mary apparently wants to be Annie, since she's pregnant with a child at the age of twenty-two. Mary's married too, although she didn't tell anyone about it for a while. Now we meet Matt, who's twenty-four and in his second year of medical school along with his wife, Plot Contrivance. Matt and Sarah wear scrubs in all their pictures so you know that they're totally going to be doctors. Simon says that he knows that his family has married young, but it's "either get married and have sex, or don't get married and don't have sex" as a bunch of pictures of the CamKids making out with various girl and boyfriends fly by.
Admissions Guy 1: Wait, what?
Admissions Guy 2: I'm not sure which thing I should be questioning first: the fact that this kid has pictures of his siblings and himself making out with people, or the fact that everyone in his family got married only to have sex, or how sex before marriage has been ruled out as an option without any explanation.
Admissions Guy 1: I have a feeling that we don't want to know the answers to any of those questions.
Simon says that Ruthie better not be "wrestling" with anyone, especially not Peter. And then Simon briefly tells us that he has two twin brothers who are four. At this point, a picture of the twins wiggles around while stretchy sound effects play. Simon recaps the entire family for us, since exposition is awesome.
“ We get Simon's admission of his parents' horniness, along with a smattering of images of the CamRents kissing closed-mouthed. Annie has her eyes open in every picture. How romantic! ”
Admissions Guy 1: Why is he telling us who his family members are when he just spent the last five minutes telling us that in the first place?
Admissions Guy 2: That was only five minutes? Crap.
A picture of Annie after she gave birth to the twins reveals that her hair looks better after being in labor than it does regularly. Simon says that he and his siblings were "surprised" when their parents decided to have more children. Although wasn't that an accident that happened even though Annie was on birth control? Then Simon says that they shouldn't have been surprised, since his "mom and dad have always been hot for each other."
Admissions Guy 1: Oh -- oh dear.
Admissions Guy 2: He shouldn't know that.
Admissions Guy 1: We shouldn't know that.
We get Simon's admission of his parents' horniness, along with a smattering of images of the CamRents kissing closed-mouthed. Annie has her eyes open in every picture. How romantic!
And now we see a live-action Simon sitting in front of the camera, on a dark set with what appears to be a chain-link fence in the background. He says that his parents and their precious, precious love have set an example that everyone else wants to follow. "It's like being in seventh heaven," Simon says, "permanently." I know how he feels.
The opening credits have gone Growing Pains on us, with pictures of the family through the years that flash out of sync with the beats in the music. Too bad there's no a-cappella version of the theme song to complete the transformation. I'll admit, it was pretty nice to see the Original Gangsta Camdens (and those stupid twins, but whatever), and only the Original Gangsta Camdens, in the credits.
Admissions Guy 1: Why did he put opening credits in his video?
Admissions Guy 2: Ugh, check out that lady's poodle-do.
William Shakespeare would like you to know that love isn't easy. Simon says that no one has tried harder to have a relationship like the CamRents than Lucy.
Admissions Guy 1: And with a face like that, she must have had to try harder than anyone else.